7. What is Autism Part 3: Routine, Rattled, and Ready: Living the DSM Out Loud

7. What is Autism Part 3: Routine, Rattled, and Ready: Living the DSM Out Loud

SUMMARY

In this lively and validating episode, Patricia (she/her) and Alex (they/them) unpack how the DSM describes autism versus how it actually feels to live it. They explore everyday stimming, sensory seeking, routines, and how nervous system regulation shapes reactions, from “that’s my chair” moments to deep nervous system truths. Expect laughter, nuance, and honest conversation about honoring neurodivergent needs without pathologizing them.

SOME KEY THINGS DISCUSSED

• The DSM criteria often miss the lived experience of autistic adults, especially those diagnosed later in life.

• Stimming is a nervous system regulation tool, not a “behavior to stop.”

• Examples of stimming include toe rubbing, lip chewing, fidgeting, humming, rocking, hair twirling, and even organizing candy by color.

• Everyone stims—autistic and neurotypical folks alike—it’s about soothing and grounding.

• “Stealth stimming” can be subtle and unconscious, like rubbing fabrics, counting, or shifting in a chair.

• Sensory seeking is tied to comfort, curiosity, and pleasure—touching textures, smelling things, or petting animals.

• Stimming can also show up as repetitive speech, watching the same show, or humming, which activates the vagus nerve.

• Routine and familiarity bring safety. Unexpected changes can cause distress, not because of rigidity but due to nervous system overwhelm.

• Autistic distress over disrupted routines often differs from OCD—it’s rooted in needing predictability and sensory balance, not irrational fear.

• Personal stories illustrate how “my chair” or “don’t move my stuff” moments aren’t about control but about regulation and respect.

• Many late-diagnosed adults mask or internalize distress, leading to exhaustion or self-criticism.

• Externalized dysregulation (meltdowns) and internalized distress (shutting down, self-blame) are both valid responses.

• “Size of the problem” teaching models can feel invalidating when they dismiss autistic nervous system reactions.

• The nervous system reaction is always valid, even if the expression of it needs tools for safety and alignment with one’s values.

• Perseveration (looping thoughts, emotions, or worries) isn’t a choice—it’s how the neurodivergent brain processes deeply.

• “Get over it” advice misses that emotional regulation takes as long as it takes.

• Humor and self-awareness help—especially when noticing our quirks like candy sorting or counting behaviors.

• Clear rules and predictable structures are calming; shifting expectations without notice can be deeply dysregulating.

• Autistic self-awareness is not about eliminating reactions, but learning self-compassion and tools for regulation.

SOUNDBITES

“Living in these meat bodies could be a whole series.” –Patricia

“Everyone stims. It’s just that autistic folks need it to stay regulated.” –Alex

“If we could stop perseverating on a thing, we would. It’s not fun to be stuck.”--Alex

“My husband knows—don’t touch my stuff, don’t move my stuff.” –Patricia

“The feeling and the reaction are valid. How we manage it is what we can work on.” –Patricia

CHAPTERS (Please adjust for the addition of the intro):

00:00 Introduction and Personal Check-in

01:29 Exploring DSM Criteria for Autism

02:15 Understanding Stimming and Its Variations

05:40 The Role of Stimming in Self-Regulation

09:41 Sensory Seeking Behaviors

12:38 Criteria B2: Safety in Familiarity and Routine

17:03 Reactions to Disruption and Managing Responses

24:08 Understanding Nervous System Responses

27:11 Processing Emotions and Feelings

28:35 The Importance of Clear Rules

32:24 Safety in Passionate Interests

36:21 Exploring Sensory Differences

ABOUT YOUR HOSTS:

Alex McLaughlin (they/them) has a Master’s in Social Work, and is a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) on Wahpekute land (colonized as MN). Alex is an AuDHDer, PDAer, Queer, non-binary, fat, chronically ill, disabled, & a multi-racial (1/8th Chinese & white passing) human with lived experience of OCD. As a late diagnosed adult, Alex has felt different and embraced their quirky, eccentric nature—what they now recognize as undiagnosed AuDHD. This lifelong experience of masking and curiosity about people inspired their passion for understanding and serving others, ultimately shaping their path today.

Alex provides neurodivergent and Queer-affirming therapy and Autism and ADHD assessments on Wahpekute land (colonized as Minnesota). Their work is grounded in intersectional feminism, ecological systems theory, and a commitment to decolonizing mental health care. They support clients in exploring how interconnected systems shape their experiences, while fostering resilience, empowerment, and self-understanding—especially for Neurodivergent, 2SLGBTQIA+, BIPOC/POGM, and disabled communities. Trained in ERP, I-CBT (including ND-affirming I-CBT), sand tray therapy, TF-CBT, and somatic approaches, Alex also brings lived experience and is pursuing IFS to deepen their parts-informed practice.

Coaching, consulting and training coming soon! Head here to be notified when this practice opens! 

Head to Alex’s website here to connect further: Here 

Patricia Young (she/her) has a Master’s Degree in Social Work, and was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for over 17 years, but she is now exclusively providing coaching. She knows what it’s like to feel like an outcast, misfit, and truthteller.  Learning about the trait of being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), then learning she is AuDHD with a PDA profile, OCD and RSD, helped Patricia rewrite her history with a deeper understanding, appreciation, and a sense of self-compassion.  She created the podcast Unapologetically Sensitive and Unapologetically AuDHD to help other neurodivergent folks know that they aren’t alone, and that having a brain that is wired differently comes with amazing gifts, and some challenges.  Patricia works online globally working individually with people, and she teaches Online Courses for neurodivergent folks that focus on understanding what it means to be a sensitive neurodivergent. Topics covered include: self-care, self-compassion, boundaries, perfectionism, mindfulness, communication, and creating a lifestyle that honors you

Patricia’s website, podcast episodes and more here!

Additional LINKS

• Email us with questions related to the podcast

Neurodivergent Insights Criteria for Autism Explained in Pictures-

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/dsm-5-criteria-for-autism-explained-in-picture-form/?srsltid=AfmBOoo8CLpY8e5DjhTWnVISfdEC3IXdZIRVLK7cMYgtjwjQUi25rccv