EP 48: "I've Got You Now..." A Psychological Game Couples Play When Trying to Heal from Infidelity

Continuing the series on "Psychological Games Couples Play," Michael Webb and I discuss another game within the realm of Psychological Games.  

This game is not only deep but usually ingrained within the communication style of one or both parties.  It's called "I've Got You Now...."  

It's one of the most insidious games couples fall into subconsciously as they seek to heal from infidelity and betrayal trauma.  While able to be overcome and eventually diffused, it requires a deeper journey into the mind and trauma, of the unfaithful and betrayed.

Couples who are dealing with this game often times feel as though they are being set up by their partner.  It can feel as though their partner is creating what we call a 'double bind' all in an attempt to prove a point that can scorch the earth of the argument.  Couples who struggle with this game are not on thin ice, but they do find themselves looking for any sort of way out of the quick sand and today Michael Webb shares exactly that.  

Ever find yourself in the same frustrating argument with someone, especially your spouse— even though it starts off innocent and you swear this time it’ll go differently? But somehow, it spirals into a familiar mess?

Psychological games are repetitive patterns of hidden communication people play with each other, often unconsciously. They seem harmless on the surface, but they end with someone feeling hurt, guilty, or angry — just like before.

These games follow a pattern:

A hidden motive or unspoken message
A predictable sequence of interactions
A negative payoff (emotional discomfort or conflict)

They’re not about fun — more like emotional traps that we fall into, often learned in childhood, resulting in confusion, hurt feelings and deep seated resentment.

Transactional Analysis, developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, is a theory of communication and personality. In TA, our interactions are seen as “transactions” between different parts of ourselves:

👶 Child (emotions, creativity, needs, or rebellion)

👨‍👩‍👧 Parent (rules, judgments, values — often inherited from authority figures)

🧑 Adult (rational, in-the-moment decision-making)

When people interact, they’re often unconsciously switching between these ego states. Games happen when there’s a mismatch or hidden motive behind a transaction — for example, someone may act like they want help (Adult to Adult), but are actually seeking to feel victimized (Child to Parent).

Today Michael Webb shares how couples subconsciously participate in these games, especially those dealing with infidelity or addiction and highlights a massively toxic game of "I've Got You Now....."

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Sam’s Healing Podcast is brought to you by one of infidelity recovery’s most prominent and gifted influencers and YouTuber. For 15 years, Samuel has been online as one of the the leading spokespersons for healing and recovery of both betrayed and unfaithful spouses. After more than a decade of blogging and filming under one of the betrayal trauma’s founding fathers, famed clinician Rick Reynolds of affairrecovery.com, Sam has ventured out to pursue, create and live out his lifelong vision and passion for healing those touched by the trauma of infidelity. Through his new podcast and YouTube channel Samuel will continue to bring his own personal experiences with infidelity recovery along with delivering the most current and up-to-date clinical wisdom and healing modalities for recovery after an affair. Sam will also be expanding into the other critical areas of developing healthy relationships such as emotional and sexual connection, the impact of childhood sexual abuse and dysfunctional patterns of relating on marital intimacy, problematic communication patterns, complex, attachment and intergenerational trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, boundaries and the importance of inner-child healing work. Reach out to contact Samuel for personal coaching sessions at [e-mail].