The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (October 2009)
The Chronicles of Critic
Depending on who you ask, The Boondock Saints was either a gritty cult classic or an over-hyped bar fight, merely proof that nostalgia looks especially "Sean Patrick-flattering" through shamrock-coloured glasses. Regardless of which side of the pew you sit on in that debate, one thing is certain: its follow-up, The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, leaves its viewers praying for a MacManus brothers–style mercy killing faster than you can say Ding Dong. Where do we even begin? Between the unforgivable “accents”, nightmare performances, high-school-locker-room screenplay, a weird...
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The Holdovers (October 2023)
The Chronicles of Critic
While we’re not quite ready to wave goodbye to the crunchy leaves and glow of jack-o’-lanterns that close out October, The Holdovers makes a strong case for skipping the pumpkin spice season altogether and diving headfirst into the cozy, boozy melancholy of a 1970s New England Christmas, courtesy of Alexander Payne’s delightfully nostalgic film. Paul Giamatti is the perfect troll of a man to embody the role of curmudgeonly Professor Paul. It's no wonder that Da'Vine Joy Randolph's performance as the "bereaved bridge between two worlds with a stiff upper lip" landed her the Oscar for...
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Bedazzled (October 2000)
The Chronicles of Critic
If the devil appeared to me and offered to grant me seven wishes in exchange for my soul, I'd use every last one of them to try and erase the hot garbage that was Harold Ramis's Bedazzled from as many planes of existance as humanly possible. The eternity I'd have to spend roasting in hell would undoubtedly be better than the 90 minutes I spent in the purgatory that was watching this awful movie. Sorry Brendan Fraser, whatever you were going for in this film was agonizingly nauseating to watch. Thank heavens that Elizabeth Hurley's playful and mischievous outing as The Devil provided the...
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Frankie & Johnny (October 1991)
The Chronicles of Critic
If someone told me that the 1991's Frankie & Johnny was required viewing for police services and psychotherapists alike, all I could reasonably reply with would be, "Say no more, fam"! Mixed in amidst this movie's snappy quips, world-building, and incredible acting is the story of an absolute lunatic stalking an uncomfortable abuse victim. Seriously, all you have to do is re-jig some of that background music and you could push this October rom-com into slasher movie territory REAL quick. Watching Al Pacino kissing Michelle Pfeiffer is the exact same experience as watching the facehugger...
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Kiss The Girls (October 1997)
The Chronicles of Critic
We can’t say the title of this movie without immediately hearing our favorite singing crab, but rest assured 1997’s crime-thriller Kiss the Girls is a very different kettle of fish. This movie doesn’t really know what it wants to be. It tries to sell itself as a Se7en / Silence of the Lambs–style crime thriller, but inevitably devolves into “insert-generic-underwhelming-90s-action-thriller-here.” Nothing kills suspense faster than realizing the character we spent a third of the runtime developing is inevitably destined to escape certain doom, per the very premise of the film....
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Urban Legend (September 1998)
The Chronicles of Critic
I know we've all heard a few "Urban Legends" about our old pal Jared Leto, if you know what I mean, but for now, let us head back to a simpler time, a spookier time, a slashier time! The central premise to this film is quite arguably that one girl is an absolutely abhorent driver and should have her license revoked immediately... no seriously, hear us out. This movie acts as the latest vehicle to spoon feed the audience more slop as it tries (fails?) to milk the cash cow that was the slasher-revival movie of the late-nineties (thanks "Scream"!). Watch as the plot confuses you, the...
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The Town (September 2010)
The Chronicles of Critic
Welcome to Charlestown, Baahston! The city where everyone's a bank robber, the women are all on drugs, and all the little children can dream of is an ice rink. Even Fergie's lookin a little rough in this piece! They say if you watch this back-to-back with The Departed, The Boondock Saints, and Good Will Hunting, the mayor of Boston will ship you a key to the city, a box of Bruins jerseys, and a small "Fighting Irish" tattoo will spontaniously appear somewhere on your body. In all seriousness, this movie works harder than a "rock-breaking Townie". The performances are excellent, the stakes are...
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The Queen (September 2006)
The Chronicles of Critic
Aaaand they’re back! This week, we shoot back to 2006 and a movie that left royalists, monarchists, and Anglophiles alike clamoring for more—the award darling, Oscar-bating, The Queen. This film serves up all the hallmarks of British luxury: a picnic in the Cairngorms (featuring a full bar, I might add), Barbour waxed jackets, Land Rovers, gaggles of corgis, flawless diction, painfully rigid protocol, and a curmudgeonly old man taking the Lord’s name in vain while endlessly cursing out “the poors.” Does it get any more British? “Steep” yourself in the “tea” of the Royal...
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24 - Last Action Hero (June 1993)
The Chronicles of Critic
GET DOWN with the latest episode of The Chronicles of Critic where we are taking a look at the highest grossing movie that came out this week way back in 1993. While perhaps oveshadowed by the groundbreaking film that was Jurassic Parc, Last Action Hero came out the next week to... not much fanfair... We thought this movie was the bees knees and arguably holds up even better now that we're all a few decades removed from the peak of all that was "aby-oiled abs and cocaine-induced action movie fever dreams. This has a great story, some wonderful acting, 200 intentional gaffs, three Oscar...
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23 - The Bourne Identity (June 2002)
The Chronicles of Critic
While Scooby-Doo technically topped the box office this week back in 2002, we made sure to send one of the Treadstone assassins to do to that dog what they did to poor Eamon’s retriever in The Bourne Identity. This one’s our first 10 on the nostalgia-meter — and quite possibly my favourite film. We get to explore the seedy underbelly of international espionage while witnessing a brand-new way to make an action movie, a style and approach that still echoes through the genre over two decades later. Some of our favourite questions upon rewatch: Does amnesia actually work like this? Did...
info_outlineLittle did we know that it would actually be the "Disney Live-Action Remake-a-verse", rather than the MCU, that would end up being the bane of our existence when we started this project. But alas, here we are.
Why, oh why, did someone decide that this movie needed to be "Part of Our World", when truly, the ideas for this meandering sea slug should have been left "Under the Sea" with the rest of the bottom-feeders? And by that, I mean among actual aquatic animals, not the grumbling execs over at Disney scraping the bottom of the barrel for their next unoriginal remake.
Yes, Halle Bailey does a rippin’ job with the songs, but watching her act opposite an eerily photorealistic crab and a male lead who hasn’t figured out he’s not doing actual musical theatre makes me want to impale myself on the bow of a wrecked ship.
And even more egregious than somehow managing to add 52 minutes of runtime to a children’s movie is the fact that they yanked my boy René Auberjonois clean out of this movie like the guts of one of his famous hors d’oeuvres.
Ursula, grab your quill—I'm ready to sign away my soul to avoid seeing this movie ever again.
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