Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #2: Jennie Meadows

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Hi! Everybody! Welcome to fabulously Candace! We're on season 3 apple 2, and I have the most fabulous woman here with me today.

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Hi! Alright lovely to meet you

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Okay.

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This is Jenny Meadows. Hi, Jenny, yeah, it's lovely to meet you, and you just look just so beautiful with your background and your jewelry and everything.

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Oh, thank you!

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So I'm so excited to talk with you today. Let me brag about you first.

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Oh, Jenny is an a neuro different individual who's been through the whole neurotypical spectrum of dating.

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So dating. Marriage, procreation, divorce, post, divorce, dating before your self realization of who and what you are.

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Yeah. And so today, we're going to be talking about what it's like to be in your fifties and neurotic and dating

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It's a minefield

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Hmm.

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Had some. I love that so welcome, Jenny. I absolutely love that you reached out to me because I we were just saying we're both aquarium.

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So we've got our amethyst birthstones.

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My birthday is Tuesday. Your birthday is Wednesday, so we've got some connection already.

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Alright. Yeah.

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All these 49, and you'll be 53, or 50.

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53,

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Look at you go. Yeah. So let's start. Were you adult?

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Diagnosed or late diagnosed. And is it audistic? Tell me what your diagnosis was or

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Oh, interesting, I'm in a very interesting position. So I was actually diagnosed.

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Adhd. Private back in 2,021, after I had a diagnosis of just back here back in 2019.

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So actually, I studied a masters in photography. So I'm a photographer.

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Wow!

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Yeah.

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And part of the kind of screening process. When you go into, you need I do the configuration screening, but it actually came up diagnosed just back here, and then I had in the report cause I do.

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That that's my Co. Educational report, that showing strong symptoms of both Adhd and autism.

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But the assessment could not actually diagnosed me because she wasn't qualified to diagnose.

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Wow!

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So I was like, but that's how it works in the Uk.

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I don't know how it works in America or elsewhere.

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We have to be qualified in order to make the diagnosis, and you know the autism diagnosis you have to have that 2 psychiatrists, I believe, and then I should know, because I've actually up today I've just known I've cost my level to

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Understand the autism calls. I thank you. Thank you.

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Wow! Congratulations!

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But then I'm still off in a tangent

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Like came up in that report but that kind of held out held out and I was getting quite a lot of support, because in England there's a thing of the same student allowance.

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Okay.

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So, if you have certain, you know difficulties with studying, so you get to report to you, especially as counselor.

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All this sort of stuff, and I kind of held out to 2021, and then I was doing it part times.

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I had like 3 modules coming in together, and I just I need help.

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Sorry the Adhd diagnosis got the diagnosis.

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Hmm.

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Was described Elvant, which I didn't agree with, had a really bad time on it, and, in fact, there's a lovely I take it you're familiar with Leon.

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My school.

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No same same work.

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Oh, yeah, okay. So she had a very similar experience. I need to talk about her later on.

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Say her name again. Maybe I am

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Leon, my school, the one that's done the Eightys of Adhd.

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Okay. Yes. Her. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes, from Linkedin. Yes.

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Yup, that she's great

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Yes, yes, yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm all right.

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Per experience of being privately diagnosed. Given lots of drugs, I mean, I lost, I mean, I didn't put on wakes.

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Wow!

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I was with somebody, but I actually lost 15 helos because of the reactions for medication.

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And then I kind of hopefully and announced, luckily I then got together with my adult Adhd support group called past mine, and they help me with the right to choose options.

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Yeah.

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I thought I need to get this thought it because, going privately is what I run out funds to actually continue the titration.

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So I've waited for October 21 to twenty-fourth of August.

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First one through the Nhs went through that process, and unfortunately, then, the diagnosis was I wasn't affected enough by Adhd.

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Wow!

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Oh, my goodness!

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But this is okay. I'm not gonna go into too much detail, because I'm having to make a the professor.

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Hmm.

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Let's just say that she should not be doing that particular role because a fellow member of my group, Pat had a very similar experience with this individual.

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Hmm.

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Wow!

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So actually, yeah, that's by the by. So now, I'm kind of stuck with the Adhd.

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But without the help

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Yeah.

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And it's really, it's really bad. At the moment in the Uk.

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And that response

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Yeah, Jenny, what a process! What a process!

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By that. Yeah, I did actually go alright. And then in 25 that I discovered autism in spurges back in 2,011.

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Hmm.

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So that the work of is it, Rudy Smart?

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Hmm.

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She was very much prevalent around about 2011, and wrote a lot of that with Virgin.

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She wasn't actually like a dimension, but he wrote a lot about having

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Yeah, she knew a lot. Right? Yeah.

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And then I had a bit of a breakdown in 2,014, which actually realize now is due to the by fund diagnosed.

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Adhd autism plus menopause

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Exactly.

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Yeah, which no one talks about. By the way, no one talks about the effects of menopause

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And especially if you are Adhd, because it's very much controlled by hormones as well.

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Wow! Wow!

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So I went through the autistic diagnostic process in 2,015, and I wasn't deemed then affected enough by, because then I wasn't aware of Adhd. And as you know, if you have both how they can hmm was kind of for each other out

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Not. Wow, yeah, they do. They? They just contradict each other.

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And then it's like, and they can actually work together.

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Yes.

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If you get the right, and you've got the right support.

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Yes.

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But then they quite together as well

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Well, and let's add, in the piece of being female, I really believe that those of us that are that identify as female, you know, especially we.

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Yeah.

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We learned a mask right? And so it is harder and that's why we have so many.

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I really think we're doing a lot of. We're seeing a lot more self diagnosis because of what you're just describing where these assessors are qualified.

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They're not. They're not aware of what it looks like, you know.

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It doesn't look a certain way. First and foremost, and our traits are very different.

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What by the time we become adults, because we've been masking.

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And so I, I, yeah, I mean, I just think I have so much compassion for you, for what you've gone through, because this is the story of so many adults that I hear from it's just this long process.

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Yeah, yeah.

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And then how you said you're told by someone else that you're not affected enough, which is so offensive

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It's like, I just wanna grab them by the neck.

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And go. Okay. You have no idea what I've been through.

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Yes. No. Idea. Yeah.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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I also the other issue is, if you look a certain way, your blonde head, your blue eye, it's like you all you kind of go under the radar.

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Yes.

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But then there's that now the events of jobs that I go because I've looked so like I used to work in pr marketing.

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Yup!

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Yeah.

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Sorry to present really well in an instant, and I'd be it's a bit like, actually, this will be like dating.

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Yes, which I'm excited to talk about. You are. Yeah.

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And then it's called, and then you're kind of little quirks.

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Yeah.

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Hmm.

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Come out, and they kind of like oh, don't like this, and it's like you're not the person they interviewed when and it's almost like dating as well when you know, guys like kind of chatting you off in the bar.

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And it's like one of the other things I find I'm really really bad at understanding the subtle.

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Yeah.

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You know the the the uploading? I don't remember each like a quite a few times, but actually I I pulled

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Well, let's talk about that because I you're on to something here, and it's a beautiful, beautiful segue into dating.

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You know the work environment. Again, we do mass quite well. I work for myself, for a reason, and I I, when I finally came out now it's 5 years after diagnosis where I came out to my staff because I was really struggling with my staff in terms of emotional dysregulation and I was

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Oh!

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having meltdowns, and really just struggling with overwhelming, and not, you know, anyway.

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So when I was able to get the diagnosis, and then talk to my staff, there was a lot of compassion, and then I surrounded myself with people that are very trustworthy.

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But also that saw my strengths, but also saw my soft spots and said, Okay, I'll step in where you have soft spots to gotta help you and make those a accommodations which I appreciate one be my husband.

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Thank goodness! But when we were dating it was similar, so you know, we're very attracted to each other and first date, you know, a couple of glasses of wine.

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Things are going well, you know, as an autistic female, I love to take a deep dive into conversation.

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Yep. Yep.

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I'm not about superficial. Yeah? And and he actually really liked that.

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He was really attracted to that because he hadn't been with other women, that I also was very loyal I had.

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I mean, it's just like all the things right. My autism shining through.

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But then, as we started dating and got more serious, I would have more meltdowns because of the environment.

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And then it was like, what's happening. Who's this person?

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And so I'm curious about that. Let's talk about that in terms of post-divor getting back in the dating scene.

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How will were you when you got divorced? If that's okay, that I

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Alright! My husband! Now we got together in 2,000. We've been married in 2,003, have my daughter 2,005 separated 2,014, and then oh, post!

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And it was kind of difficult or not difficult so you know, a few guys like socially.

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And then what was quite oh, I had a big period where I just didn't say anybody, and that was in.

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Like, took a break

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But yeah, but it was in early twenty-fifty.

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Hmm.

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That's when I had a you know I lost yes, or another job, and also had a healthcare, and so I was dealing with that things.

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Wow! Hmm!

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Wow!

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I found a lump of my breast in. Is that the 2,014 I'm this was just before Christmas, and then I had.

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Wow!

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It as if you're familiar with Eastenders is a lot of real but I had my scan on the morning of Christmas Eve, and they weren't able to take to check it properly.

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Because I didn't have the stuff at that time. So I had to wait through Chris.

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Hmm.

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Luckily it was just a safe. Oh, that was okay.

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But it was just that time thank God, I'm a single mom.

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Yeah.

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And then I found out I lost my job because I didn't make the question period.

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Yeah.

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Beginning in 2,015. It just when everything just went flat.

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But then actually, I kind of got back and on my feet and realized that actually, this is probably happening for a good reason.

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But then I said the best. It was like 3 months with clearing the garden.

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Yeah. Yeah. Great way to look at it.

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Exactly. But then, actually, I interestingly, I reconnected with a an individual that I went to union with.

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Hmm.

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I in between 96 and 99, which is an interesting thing

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I kind of it was

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Yes. One of those an individual that we just got each other.

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But for various reasons it hasn't. They didn't work out.

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But then I kind of get my toe into like the the online dacing

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And that was

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What's what's that? A whole other world

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That was because then I kind of realized

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Hmm.

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How many kind of shops there were out there, and you have to be, as you know, being abandonment issues.

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And feeling of affection, and the dopamine, or all this and those those apps are designed for.

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You know. Then, like Adhd, hey, does it work?

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Yeah. Oh, yeah.

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Okay, yeah, so I kind of went on a few date.

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But nothing really stuck, and then 27 team, does it?

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Yeah, the few. But it just Germany is like, you know, you chat to someone.

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Yeah, yeah.

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You kind of filter out the ones who send the inappropriate images.

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But then, actually, what was quite interesting, but then met my long term.

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Oh!

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X. But it was actually through work. So I was working for the agency that did holidays like photography, and we were looking for photographers.

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So his details came up, and we so I thought, oh, I know you could be potential for this agency.

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And how we got tracking, and then was quite interesting.

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My site. Linkup arranged London to Brighton bike bride

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Hmm! That's fun!

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And then you know how to really good fun. Bye, put it on Instagram, and then you thought, oh, you're in Brighton.

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Bye, bye, let's meet for drink.

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So we might as let me invite gear, or Swissy

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The perfect dating gear.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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I'll tell you how my ex husband, anyway, and then we told that we checked it, and it was that kind of you know, when you like, start talking to someone, and because he he's Italian, he's a I would call him a bit of a Marconi.

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Hmm.

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If that makes sense and I it definitely on the spectrum.

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And definitely Adhd like when he was talking, said, Oh, you know I'm not bipolar and Pennsylvania, because I've got all these like voices in my

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So same. So he's also neuro. Different. Right? Is that what you're saying?

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Correct.

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Yeah, sure.

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So there was a connection. So let's let's pause, because you're saying you've said so many things that are really want to hone in on for those of us that are females.

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First of all, the the we know that like you said, loss of employment, something that happens for a lot of autistic individuals.

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Hmm.

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Then a lot of people don't talk about parenting or single just the challenges of parenting as an autistic eightyhd parent.

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Single parent menopause, again, is not only our our periods, or what I call our moons more, I take kind of more just, really honoring of our periods.

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So I call it our moons, and as do indigenous culture, but that and menopause are really seen as just hush! Hush!

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In society, and especially for those of us that are narrow, different. No one's talking about that.

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And then the challenges of being older and dating for anyone as well as being neuro different.

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Hello! Oh.

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And so I love. I also want to say that when you talked about sharks and having to be really careful online it it is really challenging.

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Now I was not into. I I lost it, I think a day on online dating.

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And I similar to you, Matt. Chris, my partner at work at the time, and so that's a whole kind of a funny story.

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But one of the things we know with women in particular that are autistic.

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We do struggle with reading the intentions of others.

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Okay.

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We know that with autistic individuals in general, and so we are vulnerable period we're vulnerable.

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We're vulnerable that you know, being autistic is that it?

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We are vulnerable and vulnerable to getting in relationships where we can be taken advantage of.

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We often are their their can be a lot of trauma involved in that.

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So dating is challenging, and then the trauma of divorce again, like all the things.

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So for you, finding someone who also has a similar brain must have been just like a relief

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What kind of but then a kind of it didn't work out.

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Hmm.

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Unfortunately, and we picked up at the time when I was going through getting the diagnosis, because I actually realized that I could not deal with an undiagnosed on a way individual.

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Oh, okay, so he wasn't diagnosed. Oh, got it?

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But he wasn't diagnosed, but he was exhibiting trait.

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Okay.

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And this is the real difficulties. Like an individual and myself included.

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If they're not self-aware of, then ui diversity.

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Yes. Yeah.

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And then they just do things blindly. So, for example, a really good example of this was my fiftieth birthday.

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And I thought right. It was a Saturday. Go down pricing.

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Oh, yeah. I'll be spoiled so cool. Nice.

00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.000
Wow!

00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.000
To Secco cook some nice food, and he was working and he didn't actually come back that night because he was so hyper focused at work, cause he's a he might.

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:28.000
He's like her electrical engineer found engineer person. He like kind of makes the the motion captured. Well.

00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:29.000
Wow!

00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:31.000
But he actually stayed right, and that was me. On my fiftieth birthday.

00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:34.000
Okay, with Mike Hi, Rebecca, my nice food.

00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:53.000
I like, okay.

00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:54.000
Yeah.

00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:55.000
So my rule is, if there is that attraction with a new idea of individual, if it's not aware of it, I will stay away because it's almost like dealing with an electric cable because you don't know when it's going to hit you because they're not self, away

00:20:55.000 --> 00:21:00.000
Yeah, so I, that is really, can you guys hear me really? Quick?

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:06.000
Ted, my my speaker queues kind of going in and out, so can you hear me? Okay?

00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:07.000
Yeah, I can hear you. Fine.

00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:08.000
You can hear me. Okay, yeah, it's weird. Sometimes I can hear you, and sometimes I can.

00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:15.000
Okay, great to just message. So we'll all pause and then we'll start again.

00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:16.000
Okay.

00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:21.000
But also there's a lot of of time, because he was kind of set in his ways.

00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:41.000
Of trying to get him to come to London, and I was always going to brighten. I mean, look, I mean, I did my ma at Brighton, so I could stay there. So I was like living half and half which the pain is quite complicated. Anyway, I realized that I was putting more into it than I was actually receiving

00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:42.000
Yeah.

00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:46.000
And I was thinking, actually, my energy is being wasted here

00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:47.000
Well, I love. I do think that as we get older, okay, just we just start knowing what we want. Right?

00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:58.000
It's like, and so I think that's really important.

00:21:58.000 --> 00:21:59.000
Yeah.

00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:10.000
It was your fiftieth birthday, right? And so here it's your fiftieth birthday, and he is not showing up for you, because, like you said, he was unaware, and we I I don't feel like we're being unkind by saying that but I do think there is

00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:18.000
an. It is important, no matter what your diagnosis is or what's going on, to have that awareness of.

00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:20.000
You know. Okay, this is what's going on with my brain.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:28.000
And some acknowledgement of that and the impact. And that's, you know, because that it's your fiftieth birthday, and you spend it alone, which is sad

00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:32.000
And also not to be no phone call, no text

00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:34.000
Wow, yeah.

00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:44.000
No contact. And 20, I was stuck at work, and also I didn't come back till the afternoon, because Brighton, half Marathon was on, so he can get the bus through town.

00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:49.000
Apparently so

00:22:49.000 --> 00:22:50.000
But then

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.000
What would you say? Let's just offer this I want.

00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:58.000
What? What is your advice for individuals who are diagnosed?

00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:11.000
Any advice in terms of what to do differently. If someone's listening to you, because there will be people that are listing, they're like, Hey, I'm in the dating scene, and you know, I wonder if I'm on Tester.

00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:13.000
I wonder if I made each year I haven't been formally done.

00:23:13.000 --> 00:23:32.000
Be based on that experience, Jenny, what advice would you give to men who are that might have the propensity to do what this gentleman did

00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:33.000
Yeah.

00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:34.000
Well things if they're not aware you can't do anything, because, like it's a bit you can't change their nature, because it's how they behave.

00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:44.000
So I would. But if they are away, and they are kind of self identifying or self-diagnosed, then you would.

00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:47.000
Behave as if you are diagnosed. Does it work?

00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:59.000
Because then you, if you're so, if you're aware of your behavior and how it on impact on the others, and you have empathy with others, then you can kind of manage it.

00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:05.000
But when they're not away.

00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:06.000
Yeah.

00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.000
And they just go crushing through your life any consideration.

00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:09.000
Hmm.

00:24:09.000 --> 00:24:15.000
Individuals like that. You just, I would advise, walk away

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:21.000
Okay. So you're saying it for the person that's having the experience with someone who's unaware.

00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:22.000
Hmm.

00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:25.000
And so what if you're with someone? My, here's my thought.

00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:28.000
Did you say anything to him

00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:36.000
Bye try to, but I wasn't. I was going through a very, very bad time.

00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.000
Hmm.

00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:49.000
I, unfortunately, I had a really bad reaction to the events, so I and one of the things we subscribe to 3 fast minds is, you've got.

00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.000
It's a bit being like being on an airplane.

00:24:53.000 --> 00:24:54.000
I agree.

00:24:54.000 --> 00:25:12.000
You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help anybody else, and this is also what I would advise actually is, once you're kind of aware of your neurodiversity and what your challenges are is you'd have to work on yourself before you go anywhere near any

00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:13.000
Yeah.

00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:33.000
Other, individual, because you'll end up attracting the wrong potential partner.

00:25:33.000 --> 00:25:34.000
Yeah.

00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:36.000
And, as I was saying, to him earlier as well, once you're diagnosed, someone, you'll that bit after that first year you are so vulnerable as an individual, because you're kind of reframing everything annual.

00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:45.000
And and actually you're reframing yourself. And I think until you go through that process and realize actually what your boundaries are as well.

00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:51.000
The phone, put the boundaries. Once you get those boundaries in place, and that, you know I this is what I want.

00:25:51.000 --> 00:25:56.000
This is what I don't want. Just stay, wait!

00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:59.000
So I've not actually

00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:04.000
No, I did go through a little Hindu experiment back in October, November.

00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:12.000
But then I realized that I could I have anything else just like so whatever.

00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:13.000
Hmm.

00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:18.000
And I felt so good, and I tell you why I felt really good, because I was just full of lumin dopamine

00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:20.000
Yeah, yeah.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:28.000
And I was like another one. This is not good I did go like, I went on, a couple of dates with individual but I thought, No, this is not brought.

00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:38.000
But then, what? Ironically, then, what I did we had that the disabled awareness day

00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:43.000
And well, I did. I transferred my focus from hinder to Linkedin.

00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:44.000
So, I'll get in the same hit. It is like undying what?

00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:48.000
Hmm. Yup, yup, yeah. Yeah.

00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:53.000
No, okay. Connected with yourself, with Lean. And all these individuals like.

00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:57.000
So I was actually focusing, yeah

00:26:57.000 --> 00:26:58.000
Oh!

00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:00.000
Good. Okay, let's talk about this, because this is huge, Jenny.

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:09.000
So what you're saying is really important. And I do want to say there might be individuals who say I actually really like the person.

00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:12.000
I'm just so hurt that they didn't show up for me in this way.

00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:27.000
So one piece of advice that you said, you know, when, if someone's unaware, you need to walk away, and I want to offer just as a therapist some for those folks that are listening that say I actually really care about the person I want to give them a chance that's where I would say you need

00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:30.000
To give them feedback. It needs to be honest feedback about.

00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:31.000
This is what this is, what happened. This is what you did this is what hurt me.

00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:42.000
And this this is what I want and need in a relationship for those that choose to stay in in that with someone who perhaps isn't aware and hasn't been diagnosed.

00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:56.000
The second thing I want to say that is really important. Just some tips for folks that are listening, that you're saying, Jenny, when you've been diagnosed, you are really in that phase of learning about yourself.

00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:57.000
It's a total. It can be very overwhelming.

00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:20.000
So take time, take time, get support, whether it's a support group therapist you've got like we've seen on Linkedin such a big community of neur different folks where you're surrounded in information support kindness and compassion so that you can figure out especially if you're in between in the dating scene before

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.000
You start dating, perhaps. What do I want? And what don't I want?

00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:27.000
It's like, it's like, Who am I?

00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:30.000
Who am I? What do I want? What do I don't want?

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:50.000
And then I also love that awareness for you of okay, I have this pleasure seeking brain because I have low levels of dopamine.

00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:51.000
Okay.

00:28:51.000 --> 00:28:58.000
So, instead of doing this big, just, mindless swiping left or right on a online app, I'm gonna actually go to Linkedin and maybe be more productive in my connecting right, like, maybe be more intentional about who I'm connecting with where it's like they're people that are

00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:02.000
Out necessarily aren't sharks, or I don't have to sit and worry about.

00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:03.000
I mean sometimes on Linkedin, as we all have gotten the the person that sent like an inappropriate message.

00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:12.000
Whatever, but it's very different than a dating app.

00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:16.000
Yeah.

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:17.000
Yup!

00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:19.000
So great advice. I don't know if you're aware that you're actually giving advice to people who are, no matter what age, going into the dating scene.

00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:20.000
Okay.

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:25.000
Now I also want to say that I do think post divorce.

00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:29.000
It is important to give yourself time before you start dating.

00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:42.000
For many reasons. There's a lot of grief, I think, when we're not ready as humans, we can literally go back into the same relationship and attract the same person that we just got out of a relationship with.

00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:50.000
If we haven't done our own work right

00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:51.000
Yeah.

00:29:51.000 --> 00:29:59.000
Correct. Yeah, yeah, you have to work on yourself that self dealing, coming to terms with what went wrong, but also recognizing what actually did work. Because there was a reason why you got together in the first place.

00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:04.000
Yeah, I love that. I always tell couples that you're here together in front of me for reasons so clearly clearly, there's love clearly there's something here that keeps you together.

00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:10.000
Let's talk. Let's start there with what a attracted you to that person! Right?

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:20.000
Learning from that, and then also, I think, just on our end, looking at what could I have done?

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:36.000
Differently, too, so that when I go into a new relationship I also am aware of what do I need?

00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:37.000
Yeah.

00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:41.000
Because I know that for me I need a lot of my own self care and tools in place, so that I'm not melting down a Chris so that he has space also to to breathe and be.

00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:42.000
Oh!

00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:46.000
And so that's really important. But I want to switch Gears just so aware of the time.

00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:47.000
That's fine!

00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:49.000
And it's it goes so fast. I wanna talk about sex.

00:30:49.000 --> 00:31:00.000
So, so so you know, as we get older sometimes, we have to get more creative.

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:01.000
Yeah.

00:31:01.000 --> 00:31:05.000
Sometimes we can experience more dryness. Truly, you know, vagally, and and so, and but I also think the beauty, as we get older is we we I get.

00:31:05.000 --> 00:31:12.000
I'm really clear on what I like and what I don't like sexually

00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:13.000
Yes.

00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:23.000
And also the other thing is the sensory issues, because that was one of the things that did my totally destroyed my marriage, because

00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:26.000
It's it's like the way that somebody touches you as well.

00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:27.000
Yeah.

00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:32.000
So, for example, is what you know I've I've actually got a fibromyalgia, and I've been diagnosed with my ability, spectrum disorder as well.

00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:36.000
Hmm, yeah, yeah, very common.

00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:43.000
And yeah, and that's another thing I'd love to talk about, because this is something massive.

00:31:43.000 --> 00:31:49.000
But I have to be touching a certain way, and my ex-husband I thought you either touch me too.

00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:58.000
Lie, or too heavy, and it's like No, and then I think the worst was because I I used to run do triathlon as well. So I've done a full line man.

00:31:58.000 --> 00:31:59.000
By the way.

00:31:59.000 --> 00:32:01.000
Wow! That's amazing. Go, you

00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:04.000
Alright, I did it and do it sports for 30 years.

00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:05.000
That's amazing.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:12.000
My ex-husband. He was actually a lightweight Olympic roller.

00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:13.000
Wow! What

00:32:13.000 --> 00:32:20.000
So he rode to Athens, and then, when he retired, he took up.

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:26.000
Yeah.

00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.000
Yes.

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:30.000
Try not, and then what are the things he did? He started shaping his legs because of the swimming and stuff, but then, when he got the regrowth, it was like cuddling up to a hedgehog and then it was it was actually painful but then it's

00:32:30.000 --> 00:32:34.000
Like, then so now I want to help you because it it calls me pain.

00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:37.000
And then, of course, he would have rejection. Okay, okay, great.

00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:39.000
That's aivity. Yeah.

00:32:39.000 --> 00:32:51.000
And it's like, Hi Jean! I'm not gonna go into to details, but it's like, No, I don't want you, on your name because you you I don't like your email.

00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:52.000
Yeah.

00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:56.000
And I'm really Hudson. No touch lights, etc.

00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:57.000
And what? Yeah.

00:32:57.000 --> 00:33:01.000
Yeah. So I love that. You're bringing that up because this is Jenny.

00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:02.000
Cool.

00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:11.000
This is huge sensory issues. I I wrote an e-book called our sexual sensory Profile, because again, our sexual sensory profile impacts us in the bedroom smells touch lobe.

00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:18.000
Oh, the yeah. But also the other thing is, I've got synesthesia

00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:19.000
Okay.

00:33:19.000 --> 00:33:24.000
So I actually visualize the physical sensations

00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:28.000
Wow! Say more about that, for folks that may not know about that

00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:38.000
It's experiencing one sense for another. So, for example, but I experience taste as musical notes

00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.000
That's amazing.

00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:44.000
And then with

00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:48.000
So we don't know, because I can visualize the sensations.

00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:54.000
For example, if I have an injection, I can't watch the needle, because then I'll if I see it.

00:33:54.000 --> 00:33:55.000
Hmm.

00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:58.000
I kind of visualize you. It's like replaying a video.

00:33:58.000 --> 00:33:59.000
Yeah, yeah.

00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:06.000
I'm not. Experienced the pain as well, so to me, is like the other thing, God!

00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:12.000
It's the looking into somebody's eyes when you're getting into it. I just it.

00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:13.000
Yeah.

00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.000
I can't. That's really I find it really whatever.

00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:20.000
But also, if I close my eyes I can visualize it. So I don't actually need to open my eyes

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:23.000
Yeah, well, and you're saying such wonderful things just again.

00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:24.000
Yeah.

00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:29.000
Tips I get. So for folks you can go on my our website. Namaste.

00:34:29.000 --> 00:34:33.000
Advice to our neuro-inclusive page.

00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:40.000
I have my sexual sensory profile, ebook. And yeah, I have our ebook there and then on Candace, Christian so.com I have our, my our E, but my my ebook, I'm saying, are, I have a center.

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:58.000
So my ebook! There, what! You're saying, though, is so important, because if you're willing and open as a couple to talk about, I like this type of touch, I don't.

00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:06.000
What's Yummy? What's yucky I like this touch, taste, sound, smell the temperature, you know.

00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:07.000
Oh, yeah.

00:35:07.000 --> 00:35:10.000
I like this pressure or not. I like this type of sheets.

00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:21.000
I like the lighting to be this way. If you both can agree and support each other, you can have a really beautiful, incredible, sensual, sexual experience

00:35:21.000 --> 00:35:30.000
Yeah, cause I'm more, you know. I know that I'm more central, you know, in people like for me, it's like, you know, Smm is just completely.

00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:38.000
It's like, why would you want to hurt? Because it's like for me?

00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:42.000
Yeah, I love that. Yeah.

00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:43.000
Yes, yes, same here.

00:35:43.000 --> 00:35:51.000
I'm very essential, so I won't. Does that make sense and it's like, all my text is, you know, where like chatting is Scott, and it has to feel right, because, you know, I visualize the thing.

00:35:51.000 --> 00:35:52.000
But yeah, hmm.

00:35:52.000 --> 00:36:06.000
Hi! I love it! I love that. And so so advice for folks again is to when you're in a relationship, or your exploring sex, especially as neur different folks, we need to be able to have a conversation about site sound smell sensations, touch temperature taste what do we like what do we not like with our ourselves.

00:36:06.000 --> 00:36:36.000
And with our partner, so that sex can be the most enjoyable thing.

00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:37.000
Hmm.

00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:39.000
One of the things I've had quite an incredible healing journey over the last almost 3 months now, and as I connect more to my own energy, one of the things when we talk about sex is sex is very misunderstood globally, and it's very pornified in in our culture just the human culture the human race

00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:41.000
Yes, I agree.

00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:49.000
Has pornified sex, but if we look at it as sex being the acronym of a sacred energy, exchange

00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:53.000
Yeah, yeah.

00:36:53.000 --> 00:36:54.000
I know so

00:36:54.000 --> 00:37:05.000
It is really profound, and that what I want to say that more than anything, when we're looking at our sensory profile is crucial to having a sacred energy exchange with someone, and are they in the right mindset?

00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:17.000
And are they in the right energy? Are we? And is the setting right for us to have that to make it what it deserves to be, instead of just fucking?

00:37:17.000 --> 00:37:18.000
Excuse my language. But truly, instead of just buying

00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:23.000
That's fine. Yeah, but the physical.

00:37:23.000 --> 00:37:28.000
And also the other thing is the other issue being on the autistic spectrum, it doesn't just effect.

00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:31.000
You know, individuals is a lexopenia

00:37:31.000 --> 00:37:38.000
Yeah.

00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:39.000
Yeah.

00:37:39.000 --> 00:37:40.000
Hello! I just could not get the words out, and the things.

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:57.000
If you can't communicate, but then I know that the individuals where I may I would say, there's 2 individuals in my life to just get me mentally, physically, and I didn't have to communicate, because it was there.

00:37:57.000 --> 00:38:01.000
Yeah.

00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:02.000
Yeah.

00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:08.000
But also the other thing is they they also smelled a particular way as well and that's so important and and that's the one thing you don't have when you're doing like the tinder or the the dating sites.

00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:09.000
Yeah. Yes.

00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:15.000
You don't get that, and the the physical, the chemical, the energy as well from somebody.

00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:16.000
I'm wise. Okay.

00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:17.000
Yes, that's true. That that's lost. That's lost with all of this online.

00:38:17.000 --> 00:38:26.000
Be like dating and social media so that's why I also one of the reasons why I created an ebook so that you visually could go through it together.

00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:27.000
Hmm.

00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:32.000
It's the shortest little book, but as a couple so and we, you know, we're doing.

00:38:32.000 --> 00:38:44.000
My partner and I are doing a web neuro. Different neurodiversity couples costs right now, and we'll be sharing that to folks.

00:38:44.000 --> 00:38:45.000
Okay.

00:38:45.000 --> 00:38:52.000
So it's like you have a visual aid with questions, so that you don't have to say, you know, if you're not sure but you could point like oh, that you know I do in this description.

00:38:52.000 --> 00:39:07.000
I like that. And then even like seeing things, if you whether you see it on a magazine or online, I mean, there's so much visual stuff online that as a couple, if you feel safe enough to say you know, gosh, in this article, it talks about this or I see this image this is what

00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:11.000
I like, or, Wow, I like this texture right here. The silky, soft texture.

00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:15.000
Yeah.

00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:16.000
Okay.

00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:17.000
But you have to feel safe. You have all of us, even if we're autistic.

00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:21.000
Adhd. We have to feel safe to connect with someone at that level.

00:39:21.000 --> 00:39:22.000
Oh, yeah. Hmm.

00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:34.000
Truly, now I get that we've got lower levels of dopamine that can impact our our neurotransmitter or desire to seek pleasure which can lead us down a pass.

00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:38.000
Sometimes, like you found yourself just aimlessly like tender.

00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:39.000
Okay.

00:39:39.000 --> 00:39:45.000
Wow. So I get that. I also get that if we can channel that to a in a way that we can say, this is what feels good.

00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:52.000
This is this, I really like this. This is what smells good to me.

00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:56.000
You could have a really beautiful sexual experience, no matter what age.

00:39:56.000 --> 00:39:59.000
And as we get older we do there is more dryness.

00:39:59.000 --> 00:40:01.000
Maybe we've got more aches and pains. So positioning, we have to get creative with it.

00:40:01.000 --> 00:40:11.000
Using humor. I mean, if you feel safe, though with your partner it can be really beautiful.

00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:15.000
So, Jenny, this has been an awesome conversation. Yeah, go ahead.

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:16.000
No go ahead!

00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:26.000
What's that? Nope? No good. No, I can say the other thing is, is that hyper awareness as well?

00:40:26.000 --> 00:40:27.000
Yeah. Oh.

00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:30.000
It is like, you know, if you hear a little sound, you know, when I've had my daughter with me it was like the mummy rate, and it's like, I just like Pops you out. It's like, Oh, and then Hello!

00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:50.000
Yeah, so that's another thing that you have to get really creative when there's children, no matter how old the children are, because if your child's 31, we have family coming into town this weekend and one of our daughters, stepped over to me, but I say, my daughters, because that's how it feels just

00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:54.000
So I just love them is in their thirties. She's in her thirties.

00:40:54.000 --> 00:41:00.000
And so, yeah, you have to get creative and or or you wait right?

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:01.000
Yeah.

00:41:01.000 --> 00:41:02.000
But if they're living with you, that can be really challenging, it's like couples have to get really creative.

00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:15.000
So again, I think, but I do wanna say that for those of us that have neurologically different brains, a lot of us do like sex.

00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:22.000
A lot of us want sex, but it has to be in the right setting, and it has to be the right sensory experience.

00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:31.000
And that really is key. And we know. And also key, we absolutely have to feel emotionally and physically safe with a person and sexually safe, sexually safe

00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:45.000
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, then that later. And also the fact, you know that in its intimacy I'm sensuality.

00:41:45.000 --> 00:41:46.000
Hello. Yes.

00:41:46.000 --> 00:42:00.000
And and also I love how but it has to be a right person, and it's like so if it's on like with my bed, I've got to do they at least plank or wasted blanket and a fake, for because I I made that kind of hot but even in

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:06.000
That sounds amazing. That sounds amazing. Same here.

00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:08.000
The summer. I love that because I need that that pressure

00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:12.000
Yeah, yeah, me, too.

00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:14.000
And it's like, yeah.

00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:18.000
Well, and some folks need pressures. Sex, too. And so there's also a fine line there.

00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:22.000
You have to feel really safe, you know, to have that again.

00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:25.000
But there's choice in it, I think sex can be really beautiful.

00:42:25.000 --> 00:42:28.000
I do one of the reasons why I was inspired to do this podcast.

00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:32.000
Is, I wanted to dispel all the myths around autistic people, not wanting sex or liking sex.

00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:39.000
We we enjoy it, we love it, we like it. No, not every autistic person does. So I'm not.

00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:42.000
I don't want to over generalize, but I can speak for myself.

00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:45.000
I love and enjoy sex with the right sensory experience. The right person where I feel safe.

00:42:45.000 --> 00:42:59.000
Sexually, emotionally, physically, in a setting where I feel like I can let go and I'm heard and and can be understood, seen and known, and have someone that's very loving and kind.

00:42:59.000 --> 00:43:09.000
And I do think that more. I want more people to be able to talk about this, because those of us with neurologically different brains.

00:43:09.000 --> 00:43:16.000
It's not black and white. There's this this assumption that, or asexual, or we're against being sexual.

00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:17.000
And and that's not true, especially as we get older, as older women.

00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:23.000
We're very sensual. We want to be sexual.

00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:26.000
No, not everyone. I want to honor that. But you and I are.

00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:29.000
It just has to be in the right setting, and with the right person.

00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:30.000
So Jenny, thank you so much for coming on today.

00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:38.000
This was delightful!

00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:39.000
There is always always yeah. But

00:43:39.000 --> 00:43:47.000
No up absolutely loved it. I'd love to speak to you again, because there's so much more that I but I think also regarding the menoples.

00:43:47.000 --> 00:43:53.000
And you're a divergent women, because this is a really big thing, especially in Britain.

00:43:53.000 --> 00:44:02.000
At the moment, and, in fact, on Monday, at 4 30 GMT.

00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:03.000
Wow!

00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:06.000
Part of it is gonna actually have a debate, an Adhd and the like.

00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:09.000
The lack of diagnosis on what? What the problems are.

00:44:09.000 --> 00:44:16.000
Yeah.

00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:17.000
Yeah, absolutely.

00:44:17.000 --> 00:44:26.000
And there's been a petition now that's gonna be actually fascinating, because there, I call it the last generation, because there's so many wonderful individuals out there with the right help, the rights were caught the right management of conditions etc.

00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:33.000
Will be fine, and we got so much to contribute because of the way that we think the way to feel.

00:44:33.000 --> 00:44:40.000
And but we all gradually we making a difference, and we are making changes, you know, through this community, through Linkedin.

00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:43.000
Oh, absolutely brilliant! But that's not

00:44:43.000 --> 00:44:52.000
Yeah, we have a large community. We do have a large community which we need, so that our voices are heard right?

00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:58.000
So that we can advocate for ourselves, because all too often the well meaning psychiatrist.

00:44:58.000 --> 00:45:05.000
Doctors, psychologists, neuro psychologists are doing the diagnosing or actually miss diagnosing.

00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:11.000
Too often, we're diagnosed as borderline dependent personality, disorder.

00:45:11.000 --> 00:45:12.000
Not given a proper diagnosis

00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:18.000
Oh, I think I should be. Yeah, I did go through that because I went through what they call the multi-disciplinary team process with your Gp, like that person, literally the red button.

00:45:18.000 --> 00:45:26.000
Oh, you work with the OTS, everything! And then I was referred to.

00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:36.000
From primary mental health to secondary mental health, and then, unfortunately, when you go that boot, they have only got 3 diagnosis available, which is schizophrenia, bipolar, and the boardline personality.

00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:39.000
Yeah, wow, wow, yeah, yeah, that's ridiculous.

00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:47.000
This is how it isn't written. So I oh, an after 45 min a Cpn said, Oh, your bipolar!

00:45:47.000 --> 00:45:51.000
I want to subscribe and psychotics. And I just went actually.

00:45:51.000 --> 00:45:58.000
No, I'm not, but I'm not individuals. Huh!

00:45:58.000 --> 00:45:59.000
Oh, my! Gosh!

00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:02.000
Spent between 2 and 5 years on lithium, because they've been diagnosed with that, and like not pushed back.

00:46:02.000 --> 00:46:04.000
Hey? But it's diagnosed. Yep.

00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:11.000
And also what's the reason being is because of most modest regulation, has been taken out of Dsm.

00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:16.000
5, where before the Dsm. Full included emotional disregulation.

00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:19.000
But anything emotional regulation is schizophrenia.

00:46:19.000 --> 00:46:23.000
Hold on personality.

00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:28.000
I didn't realize that

00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:29.000
Yeah.

00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:37.000
I did not realize that. So because Adhd, a big trait of Adhd is emotional dysregulation, so that whoever is, whoever's created whoever's on the panel that creates a diagnostic manual for clinicians it just needs to be an

00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:42.000
Overhaul needs to be done, and neurological conditions. I don't think, should actually be in there.

00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:52.000
I think there should be a separate manual for neural conditions that's researched by people who actually have these neurological differences.

00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:59.000
And instead of people just guessing or making a decision, the Dsm is very political, a lot of people look at it as the Bible, and it's not.

00:46:59.000 --> 00:47:00.000
It's a field manual, it's a guide.

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.000
But Jenny, we're out of time. My goodness, we could talk for ever.

00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:05.000
It's been amazing. So thank you so much. Yeah, thank you.

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:09.000
I know. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Really appreciate it. Okay.

00:47:09.000 --> 00:47:20.000
So much, and to all of you that are here, listening and watching now, because we're doing it this way as well please be tender with yourselves.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:27.000
We all deserve a little more tenderness. So I I just want to put that out there in the world that love is medicine.

00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:30.000
And if if we all can just come from that space, we will heal, and the world will truly just be the most amazing place.

00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:33.000
So thank you. Everybody have a fabulous rest of your week until next time.

00:47:33.000 --> 00:47:44.000
Bye.