"Fabulously Candice": The Sexiest Podcast About Neurodivergence
"Fabulously Candice" is the sexiest podcast about Neurodivergence! Candice is an Autistic, ADHD woman, licensed clinician, and relationship/intimacy expert with a passion for discussing love, sex, intimacy and more among neurodivergent adults. Get ready to feel fabulous as you listen to the Fabulously Candice podcast.
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #9: Meg Martinez
08/01/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #9: Meg Martinez
WEBVTT 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:49.000 Hi, everybody! Welcome to season 3. 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:56.000 This is our final episode episode. 9 of fabulous academic. 00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:57.000 We're moving into some other things. So it's been quite a while. 00:00:57.000 --> 00:01:10.000 Ride, and so I'm just gonna have the raspy voice, Mag, so kind of go out, walk out into the sunset. 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:21.000 I have my divine daughter from another life, my protege, my sister Meg Martinezetta Monte, here with me. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:22.000 Hi! 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:43.000 Hi professionally, professionally. People know you, Meg, as our chief program officer here at Namaste Center for healing, and I thought, this is probably the perfect way to end facilities to Candace because we get to talk about what we do that is so specific to our 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:46.000 neuroinclusive approach to internal family systems, to sexual recovery, to wellness. 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:51.000 And then also the chapter we wrote for the upcoming book. 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.000 Yeah. 00:01:53.000 --> 00:02:02.000 But I need to brag a little bit about you so Meg Martinez Denamonte again, our chief program officer at Namaste. 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:18.000 However, she's also a licensed clinician, a certified sex addiction therapist, and ifs trained therapist in Emdr train therapist. 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:19.000 Yeah. 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:26.000 And my work like it may not be. PC, but I'm saying at workwife for close to a decade, like literally, we have worked so closely together for nearly a decade. 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:37.000 So, for all of the listeners. Here I am, the founder of Namaste, Center for healing, and without Meeg, our Namas State Center for Hilly would not be what it is to. 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 Hmm! 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.000 That's how important you are to me. 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:42.000 So! 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:45.000 I'm doing so much. Yeah. 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:47.000 So welcome! 00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:50.000 Hi! I'm so happy to be here. 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:56.000 I love that you're here. I love that you're here, and I love that because you're in. 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:57.000 I mean, people know you in our like internationally, people know our center. 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:07.000 They know you. You're a consultant and trainer of the the Itap. 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:16.000 I mean the International Institute of Trauma and Addictions, professionals, and so so people in our professional community know you? 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:27.000 And but first those listing on the podcast. They may not really know, like the significance of you, and how you have been there. 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:39.000 Right by my side as we've developed programs. So I want us to talk about that, including you and I co-created our neuro-inclusive approach to ifs. 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:40.000 Right? Yes. 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:42.000 Then we wrote. Then we wrote a chapter about it. 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:43.000 We we lived it with men. We think about it. 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:03:45.000 --> 00:04:02.000 Yeah. So should we start, let's start with our maybe our unless you want to start with anything. But I was thinking, maybe we start with talking about our neuro-inclusive approach to ifs. 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:03.000 Hey! 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.000 Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah. 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:09.000 Yeah, I was thinking about as we were getting started. 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:14.000 And one of the things I don't know if this is jumping in too much. 00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:26.000 But one of the things II love so much about the neuro inclusive approach to ifs is the distinction and differentiating between our hardware and our software that we just immediately do. 00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:33.000 And I was thinking about it even as I was getting ready for this, I was like, Okay, what parts of me are anxious? 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:36.000 What parts of me might be nervous about being on a podcast and then, girl, this is also your hardware, like of course, you're a little bit nervous. 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:43.000 So to be recorded and that kind of a thing, you know. 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:47.000 So, even using that on myself, I do it every day. 00:04:47.000 --> 00:05:04.000 Oh, my God! I love that you just said that. So for those listing we've broken down. 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:05.000 Alright! 00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:07.000 Understanding, our neurotypes and internal family systems by saying, we have hardware which would be autism under oath of autism and neurosype of Ad. 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:20.000 Ad Adhd also are autonomic, nervous system, which you're a polypept expert for those that are listening, and so hardware. 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:21.000 Yeah. 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:22.000 We know that I was anxious just the same, we were laughing with our fabulous podcast. 00:05:22.000 --> 00:05:25.000 Producer, Taylor, like like I've never seen you nervous like this. 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:27.000 Yeah. 00:05:27.000 --> 00:05:37.000 Okay. Yeah. And I just can be aware that my autonomic nervous system was having a response. 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:39.000 Right. 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:40.000 Right. 00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:44.000 And then parts came forward, my software to say, Oh, my gosh, I just you know, Megan, I have such a close relationship offline. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:45.000 Now we're gonna get online, you know, part are going. 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:51.000 Yeah, this is gonna be really scary. Oh, my God, what are we? 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:52.000 Yeah. 00:05:52.000 --> 00:06:01.000 Gonna say, you know, whereas other parts, and perhaps this is more me and the self-energy that shows up to say in a more calm way, right yeah. 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:02.000 But it's Meg. It's Mac. We're gonna be okay. Right? 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:03.000 Bye! 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:05.000 Those parts that worry about what other people think, or, oh, my God! 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:11.000 Are we? Gonna you know, sound good. And all this stuff right? 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:13.000 Hey! Right! 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:19.000 Maybe some fear of rejection, parts that are fearing rejection, and then my autonomic nervous system filling the anxiety about it. 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:29.000 Right? Right? Yeah. And you know, I think we talk about this in terms of the neuro-inclusive approach to ifs. 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:49.000 Because understanding the distinction between different narrow types is important, but really it does apply to everyone, and it is so non shaming, because so often to when I love that you just broke it down that way, because when we can also let our parts know this is also our hardware like I get that you're 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:55.000 nervous right, but our bodies doing this too, right. 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:56.000 Yeah. 00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:00.000 This is just us by a logically, there can be some relief to just like, Oh, yeah, and I'm just me. 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:05.000 And I'm just gonna trust that hardware right? Like, cause it's my hardware. 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:06.000 Right, yeah. 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.000 I love that. Yeah, oh, I love that. Do you want to share any? 00:07:10.000 --> 00:07:15.000 I mean thoughts about our inspiration for creating this neuro-inclusive approach. 00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:18.000 I mean I could say it, but I'm interviewing you so. 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:35.000 Yeah, I, mean, yeah, yeah, I mean, and please ask, obviously, because we're in this together. 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:36.000 Yeah. 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.000 But II think I touched on it a little bit, because the non shaming aspect of any type of therapeutic intervention is kind of what underlines our passion and my opinion. 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:50.000 Everything we do at normal stay, whether we're working with a neuro, different person or somebody struggling with an addictive process, or someone with a completely different presenting issue. 00:07:50.000 --> 00:08:04.000 Our passion is to come at it from a very trauma, informed non shaming, holistic approach. 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:05.000 Yeah. 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:08.000 So it just made sense to us, right? It just made sense to us to look at ifs, which is a thing therapeutic modality. 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:18.000 I know is near and dear to both of our hearts, but also see to both of our hearts, but also see right like even this really really compassionate, beautiful model. 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:38.000 Unintentionally my in induce shame, or there are microaggressions that exist like that's a massive part of our our awareness in our chapter is like, do we have parts that are implicitly biased that are committing micro aggressions? Against neuro different folks you know. 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:39.000 and so, yeah, yeah. 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:40.000 Yeah. Beautiful segue to our chapter. So let's talk about our chapter. 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:47.000 I can. I've got it right here, printed out everybody I know, I know. Thank you. 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:51.000 II love the part of you that did that. 00:08:51.000 --> 00:09:00.000 Part. So it. This is a book called Altogether us Jenna Romerzma, our dear friend, Certified. 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:01.000 Hmm! 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:04.000 Ifs therapist wrote altogether you a couple years ago. 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:06.000 It was amazing, and then reached out to the leaders in the specialized populations. 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:21.000 Working with specialized populations to say, Would you please be part of this book that I'm editing right, and reached out to me about. 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:29.000 You know, how can we really be more neuro-inclusive? 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:30.000 Yeah. 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:31.000 Right? Or can you write a chapter under a divergent individuals which I like to say, neuro difference? 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:38.000 So I was honored to do that, and. 00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:42.000 At some point I'll just be completely transparent. 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:45.000 This was, Gosh! You're a year and a half ago that this process started, and I was found. 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:59.000 Myself, my autistic brain right? I noticed that my 80 88% of the autistic brain, right? 00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:07.000 I noticed that my and Jenna suggested that you know we have a couple of reviewers. 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:10.000 I want to give credit to Kimballing, who's a Id. 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:19.000 And then for being our reviewers, and Jenna had suggested, gosh, maybe we have someone co-author with you. 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:32.000 And I thought Well, if we're gonna have someone Co author with me, it's gonna be Meg, because you are me. 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:43.000 Hmm! 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:44.000 Yeah. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:48.000 Truly, I mean we are so much alike. You get me inside and out, your absolutely the most neuro-inclusive human being I know, based on your understanding of it with family, and so and have just been such an incredible advocate for me so that's where we came together because what I really my 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:53.000 strength is in explaining to the world neuro difference, right? 00:10:53.000 --> 00:10:58.000 So part, one is all about that right? Like, let's really help. 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:05.000 The world understands, you know, being sensitive to. And I'm just. 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:13.000 I'm literally sifting through it. People can see. 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:14.000 Alright! 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:15.000 Oh, part one increasing awareness and sensitivity around neuro divergence where we we do say that word interchangeably with neuro difference. 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:22.000 But we talk about how autism used to be viewed. 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.000 We talked about the neurodiversity movement and paradigm. 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:36.000 You know, we talk about how there's oh, we got. 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:37.000 Yes. 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:41.000 We talked about getting rid of the D's, which specifically for people, because I've gotten heat about d being disability. 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:53.000 I'm not talking about the word disability, because to me disability really is a valid term to use with neuro differences. 00:11:53.000 --> 00:12:02.000 What I'm talking about is making autism a disorder and attention deficit, a disorder when there's that when it's a neurotype. 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:05.000 So that's where we are coming from, for those listeners. 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.000 We're not making disability. A dirty word. 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:18.000 We're just saying K. Dsm, can you ditch disorder for these neurological differences and put them in a book or a category in your book that makes more sense right? 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.000 Yeah. 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:23.000 Please. Oh, wait! You're being interviewed. 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:46.000 Right? Well, because and this was, I think, if you don't mind me like jumping in something that we is the way that the mental health and you know, medical community has been informed and educated about, different neurotypes autism Adhd has been that there's this 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:56.000 problem. And here are these ways that we can fix the problem or cure the problem right? 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:57.000 Huh! 00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:03.000 And so that this deficiency or disorder model, even if there's challenges and struggles which we honor right, it really kind of sets this stage of you're the bad one. 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:06.000 Something's wrong with you, and this is how you should be. 00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:12.000 And again going back to like the shaming, the shaming, that unintentionally really surrounds, looking at something that way. 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:13.000 Hello! 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:22.000 So this ditching of the d who has hashtag right ditching of the d's really helps us to like again. 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:43.000 Bring in a non shaming approach where we can really see and hear, and know and understand someone's challenges and struggles individually without making them feel like less than, or the problem or deficient right all because we're just changing the way we look at this and it's so important for the 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:50.000 individual for the client, for the you know, the neuro different client. 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:51.000 Hello! 00:13:51.000 --> 00:14:06.000 And so important for the provider. Right? Whether it's a family care, doctor, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a occupational therapist like anyone working with someone to come at it from this more non shaming difference, not deficient approach is only going to bring good. 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.000 Oh, yeah, I just love it well said, well said, let's jump into a part, too. 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.000 Doing well. Hmm. Parts. 00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:23.000 So part 2 is all about our approach. Right? And so it starts by saying, how ifs can assist with healing and empowering both therapist parts and neuro different clients. 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:28.000 Systems. 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:29.000 Yeah. 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, so, so, part 2 is where we really dive into ifs. 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:38.000 Which again, like I said, is I definitely have an attachment to that model. 00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:42.000 I have an ifs fan girl, part I talk about all the time right? 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:43.000 Because I do see, and I know we both seen just the transformation that happens with that model with people right? 00:14:43.000 --> 00:15:04.000 But just like anything, you know, it's not perfect. And so in part 2, we really flesh out ways that we can use that model with neuro different clients starting with like their sensory needs. 00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:09.000 And you're gonna laugh because I was like craving and I'm still craving one of your little sensory rings. 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:10.000 Oh! This! Yeah, I can't reach it. Oh, my gosh! 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:16.000 I was like. I need to bring those home. Yeah, I'm like, I need a. 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:17.000 I was like, Why are, yeah, I know. 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:19.000 Wish I could be like. Add it through the phone. 00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:24.000 Like, why are they around my house right like those little sensory rings? 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:29.000 But we start with that, we start with like can a therapist from the jump? 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:33.000 Be curious about what any person, but specifically their neuro different clients need in their sensory environment, in their like. 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:46.000 What they need to learn and take things in gosh! And I know we mentioned this, but I just can't ever forget the client that we had that like. 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.000 We came into an intensive setting, and that person, just like. 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:51.000 And we're like, Oh, and I feel like I'm in the principal's office, you know. 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:59.000 And so for us to be able to like really not only help parts, know, you know, hey? 00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:15.000 You're not in the principal's office, but really help their hardware, help, their nervous system, fill, present, and the ability to relax and be in feel that sense of safety like you need that you need that with any healing mode, right? 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.000 Oh, and what I love about our approach again with talking about! 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:24.000 That is, it starts there. It's the setting right, the setting. 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:32.000 So soft lighting. Right does. Do you have a weighted blanket for the person? 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:36.000 Right for this neuro different person that's in with you, you know. 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:39.000 Maybe they need to drink some hair, some water if you need it. 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:48.000 Gosh, I've got all these stem toys, and let's just come into the setting right before we dive into. 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:49.000 Right. 00:16:49.000 --> 00:17:04.000 The work, because I found that so many of so many neuro different folks,...
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Season 3 | Episode #9: Meg Martinez
08/01/2023
Season 3 | Episode #9: Meg Martinez
We are wrapping up the final episode of Fabulously Candice with a very special guest… Meg Martinez! Meg has worked alongside Candice for nearly a decade and is the Chief Program Officer at Namaste Center for Healing. This episode gives a look into their neuroinclusive approach to the internal family systems model and their co-authored chapter in the book Altogether Us by Jenna Riemersma. We also get a look into the current happenings at Namaste Center for Healing and get excited for what is next to come. Thank you to the fabulous global community for three seasons of love and support! Until the next something…
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #8: Renee Rosales
07/25/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #8: Renee Rosales
WEBVTT 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:10.000 Hi everybody. Welcome to Fabuli Candice, season 3, episode 8. 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:23.000 We have Renee Ralis back. To talk about All good things. All good things are distinct. 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:27.000 I absolutely. 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:28.000 Yes. 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:34.000 So gosh, I talked to you. It was like what, 2, 3 weeks ago? Yeah, and we just hit it off and then I set you somebody because I thought Oh my gosh, this parent. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.000 And we've connected and it's wonderful. So yes, thank you. 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:40.000 Oh good. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I was like, hey, what they did already. So let me just, let me just give an update. 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:41.000 Yes. 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:45.000 Just brag about you again for those that maybe didn't hear the first podcast with Renee go back and listen to it though. 00:00:45.000 --> 00:01:02.000 So as a mother, educator, advocate and transformational leader truly Renee Trulias. Renea sought out or set out, excuse me, to build a better way for the neuro-distinct. 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:12.000 As an innovator, she is co-founder of 2 of the first virtual schools in Arizona. 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:13.000 Yes, you are. You've got it perfectly. 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:21.000 And founder of theiara. Am I saying that right? Okay, good. A business design to support the neuro-distinct from cradle to grace. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:35.000 As a visionary, Rene has always sought to make the intangible tangible. Creating connections and building bridges in relationships that positively transform all aspects of love. 00:01:35.000 --> 00:01:45.000 How cool is this? Rene is dedicated her life's work to helping the neuro-distinct establish belonging and connection every time I read your bio I'm emotional. 00:01:45.000 --> 00:02:00.000 Yep. I was emotional in creating this. I think, you know, the is just the culmination of everything I've learned and gathered as a neuro-distinct is just the culmination of everything I've learned and gathered as a neuro-distinct person as the mother of no distinct children married to somebody who's 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:11.000 neuro-distinct and We really haven't talked about those issues for many, many years for generations in terms of how it. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:28.000 It expresses itself in our relationships with one another and it's so exciting that The neurodiversity movement is changing that because it's empowering so many people all around the world and I am so excited to be here with you today because that's exactly what we talk about, right? 00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:44.000 Right, yeah. And right before we recorded, I said to Titan, oh my gosh, we gotta record this because You and I were talking about our ancestors and where we come from and you know, just generational. 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:53.000 I would say the gifts that we get from our from the generations that came before us. So do you do you mind sharing about your grandfather what you were saying? 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:54.000 Hi. 00:02:54.000 --> 00:03:02.000 No, that's fine. So, years ago, actually the year I was born, my grandfather started a counseling center called Emerge. 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:22.000 And you know, it was just a thing in our family. I had no idea that Emerge was an acronym because I was a little girl when it was all designed and When I after I started Thiara and everything I do at TR, it's an acronym based system that includes Each acronym has executive functioning 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:40.000 and sensory processing strategies and activities included in the acronym and I had and I developed Emerge D which is a class about emerging as neuro diverse and empowering people to embrace the neurodiversity and better manage it. 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:50.000 And in that process after the classes were all completed. I was going through old newspaper clippings that my family had saved. 00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:57.000 And found an article about my grandfather when he started Emerge. And it was an acronym. 00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:04.000 I had no idea and I lined up. My acronym for Emerge with his and they read as a sentence. 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:05.000 Oh my gosh. 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:12.000 So I mean, I sat there and I was overwhelmed. I started like tears were in my eyes because I'm like this is what I was literally born to do. 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:31.000 This is what I think our family was intended to do. For all of time really and it's so interesting and powerful how all of those things happen and when people are trying to expand the good and when you carry that forward it really truly manifests and we have no idea what's gonna manifest. 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.000 In generations to come. So. Yeah. 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:52.000 Isn't that just so beautiful? I that's just so beautiful. I mean my partner Chris and I are all about it just honoring our ancestors and you know, just connecting with our wise and well ancestors and those that came before us and just really filling that love and nurturing and then like you said passing it down and 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:57.000 here you weren't even aware of it. 00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:58.000 But just the alignment. 00:04:58.000 --> 00:05:00.000 Right. Yeah, I have no idea. My family members didn't even really know. I mean, they were called when I found the article. 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:08.000 Clipping and they're like, oh yeah, I. We didn't even mention it to you. 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:14.000 I was like, this is huge. So. 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:15.000 Yes, but very exciting. 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:23.000 It's huge to not be mentioned! So shout out to your grandfather. Is it your father's father's like your father father? 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:24.000 Okay, so. 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:37.000 It's actually my mother's my mother's father and my whole family. I mean that was why it was kind of so crazy to me that I didn't know because we all spent time investing and working in some capacity at the counseling center all while I was growing up. 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:43.000 So. 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:44.000 Yeah. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:48.000 Hmm. Yeah. So just an honoring of your maternal, your maternal grandfather, right? Really and how beautiful that you are doing this. 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:49.000 Your yeah you're continuing it 00:05:49.000 --> 00:06:00.000 It's very exciting. I, you know, and it was so empowering to me because I think when we realize, I think I was I was listening to a podcast a while ago. 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:26.000 And it was talking about I think it was something like over 470 generations that have come before us to get to us and now and we are called for a profound purpose and connecting with that I think is huge and understanding that all of that went into creating us and bringing us here and we were born for Now for this time. 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:33.000 Yeah, what we're talking about is so huge. It's so huge. It's so beautiful. 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:48.000 I really believe that that those of us that are here were called to be here on earth at this time and it's a challenging time. 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:49.000 Yes. 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:56.000 I especially in the neurodiversity movement. It is challenging time. There's a lot of infighting going on right now among Have you noticed that like II actually have been avoiding social media, doing kind of a social media detox, doing kind of a social media detox. 00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:00.000 I think we part of that for me is because I hyper focus on it. And I just get, I check too much. 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:12.000 And then also it pains me. It pains me to see, you know, for those of us that are neuro-distinct, it's like we're navigating enough. 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:16.000 To then have it just fighting inside the movement. 00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:25.000 Yes, and I completely relate. In fact, I was developing some content in the last few days. And I was tackling some of those issues. 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:36.000 I think some of the biggest terms we talked about last time are removing some of the negative language that and it's not that the the language has empowered many of us. 00:07:36.000 --> 00:08:01.000 So like using words, the identity or the label of being disabled has equipped many to access the services that they've needed traditionally like in the education system and the work environment and we've needed that but when all of those words have a negative connotation attached to them I mean when we think about the word disabled, we're not 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:14.000 thinking about the abilities the person has. And that's really at the heart of I think. What many are trying to do with the neuro-diversity movement is highlight the strengths and lead people strengths first. 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:31.000 Rather than according to their lack, but we're not trying to throw out the labels. The labels are important to acquire the services and yeah I've I read through a lot of the posts and it and people going back and forth and that and it's It is difficult not to hyper focus on you know one 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:41.000 person's understanding or grasp of it versus another. And so we just have to work to focus on the positive things and I think really highlight. 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:49.000 What good we can bring out of even the disagreements like what are we really trying to get at? Where do we truly agree? 00:08:49.000 --> 00:09:00.000 And I think we truly agree that all narrow distinct people need to be empowered and we need to be advocating for neuro inclusion in every way we possibly can. 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:17.000 Yeah, I agree. So let's talk about that too. I agree. 100% disability is not a dirty word and I took some heat from some folks in the autism community when I posted on LinkedIn and talked about let's ditch the Ds, but what I was talking about actually wasn't just 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:34.000 disability. I was talking about putting autism in the diagnostic manual as a disorder. To where people think it's a mental illness. 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:35.000 Right. 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:39.000 And what happens when that late we get Basically that's attached to us. Our services we get are not accurate. 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:40.000 Correct. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.000 And so then harm is done. And so, you know, I agree about the word disability in terms of getting the services that folks need. 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:55.000 And I also believe that we've got to look at what are our strengths in the school system. 00:09:55.000 --> 00:10:05.000 In relationships in the work environment. And it's a difference. Our neurotype has differences, but it's not a deficiency. 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:18.000 You know, if I'm comparing myself to my partner who has post-traumatic stress for instance that sometimes I do wonder if he has narrow difference but you know again There could be, I mean it really can look very similar. 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:19.000 Right. 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:28.000 So we have to really tease that out, but his brain is different from my brain. And so how can we look at it as a difference together? Our brains are different. 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:42.000 It's not that I'm deficient to his brain or I'm not deficient. Compared to my husband my partner right 00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:54.000 Yes! 00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:55.000 Hmm. 00:10:55.000 --> 00:10:57.000 Right. And there's nothing necessarily wrong. I mean, with you and that was one of the big things that You know, my husband and I were in a counseling session actually last week and we were talking and our therapist had had his own breakthrough and was like you know at the core of my traumatic triggers when 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:11.000 I'm triggered. At the core of it underneath all the layers is this idea that something is wrong with me. 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:12.000 Yes. 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:16.000 And we just sat and practiced really embracing the fact that nothing is wrong with you inherently that we were designed differently for a reason and it's supposed to help us Expand ourselves, integrate ourselves. 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:18.000 Yeah. 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:39.000 Become more whole and I think that's the constant work. How do we find the bridge? And that's a lot of the work that I do with ER is helping people bridge to one another regardless of their neuro differences, whether they're in a distinct or more neurotypical wherever they're at on the 00:11:39.000 --> 00:12:01.000 map. My husband like yours has experienced PTSD as well and it's difficult to ferret that out. And it's difficult to ferret that out. But the bridge can be the same. 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:06.000 It doesn't necessarily need to be need to 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:22.000 Okay, well we're definitely gonna talk about we're gonna kinda deep dive into bridge bridging right a bridging 2 people and bridging the gap if you will like, hey, what I want to also say because it's important with what you just said. 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:34.000 So often I get emails and I don't know if you experienced this too from Search well intended partners of a neuro different person. 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:42.000 And it's just microaggression, microaggression, micro pathologizing, offensive language, offensive language. 00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:53.000 And then when I sometimes I'll try and redirect, right? Blaming partner partners this there so this and that they're autistic and it's then it's just an email that's downhill from there. 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:54.000 Yes. 00:12:54.000 --> 00:13:03.000 And I'll gently do my best to. Try and give up my point of view around that and then Sometimes what comes back is even more offensive. 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:18.000 It's just like. Unintentionally, right? So I want those folks that are listening that really believe that your partner is deficient, The autism diagnosis. 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:31.000 Is a problem. I really want you to listen please just with an open mind be curious about where we're going to talk about with Okay, you might have a different brain than your partner does, but you can bridge. 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:35.000 There can be a bridge and we're gonna talk about what that looks like. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:51.000 Yeah. And to me, you know, I that's the big interpersonal acronym that I focus on at at the ARA and we talk about you know the B stands for Build for bounty. 00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:58.000 How are we going to move forward together? How can we put some put some bricks down in our relationship. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:08.000 How can we lay some foundational elements to help us move forward positively, regardless of our difference. Relate with recognition. 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:17.000 We have to understand that we bring different things to the table and I think many of us kind of look in our love relationships. 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:29.000 To you know there's the whole Jerry Maguire saving they he completes me you know that whole concept and we and we think the other person is going to do that but we come in with our own with our own understanding of, you know, our upbringing. 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:43.000 What a marriage might look like, what a relationship supposed to be and Those things sometimes just need to fall away so that we can establish new things together to move forward. 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:55.000 And the I is integrate for impact. How can we utilize your strengths and my strengths to positively benefit our relationship? 00:14:55.000 --> 00:15:04.000 And that's the G is gather for gain and that just moves us forward into, you know, how can we pick up little habits? 00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:34.000 Maybe it's a micro habit maybe it's a strategy maybe it's like last time we talked about you know putting something physical on a wall so that you can like see this is what we're doing for each other and it sounds so simple and I've had so many people kind of laugh at me about that when I talk like what are you 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:39.000 Yes. 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:40.000 Yes. 00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:41.000 saying I need a behavior chart with my spouse. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying it's important for us to have that check in and kind of say, okay, this is it's a way to validate what you're doing and also what the other individual is doing and also what the other individual is 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.000 doing and also what the other individual is doing and when you see your partner validate you. Through something very visual because we're all different types of learners, right? 00:15:43.000 --> 00:16:00.000 Some of us can take a statement or a word from of kindness, a compliment and and it really sits with us. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.000 Yeah. 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:11.000 But for someone else, they need to see it or there needs to be some kind of physical, you know, act showing it a display of tenderness or emotion and then the the is educate to empower so that's all about how we can educate each other to move forward. 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:19.000 And that's exactly what we're doing now with listening to a podcast, you know, following different people on social media to try to gather more information. 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:30.000 About who you are and then who your partner is so that you can more productively move forward. 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:31.000 Thank you. 00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:36.000 So I just love your acronyms. Seriously, I love your acronyms. They are brilliant. 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:45.000 And I want to talk about, I mean, really. Like, you know, it's like you're getting your foundation down with building for bounty, then relate with recognition. 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:53.000 What I got is sometimes we have to change the way that we look at things. So that we can see the other person's perspective. 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:54.000 Yes. 00:16:54.000 --> 00:17:01.000 How can I, how can I, you know, relate to what you're saying or find connection or even have empathy or compassion. 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:09.000 For your experience instead of getting so locked in to my viewpoint. And that's not just me as an autistic person, Chris can get locked in his viewpoint too sometimes. 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:14.000 Exactly. We all do. I mean, we're looking at the world through our own lens, right? 00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:15.000 Yeah! 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:23.000 It's almost like we're all creating our own little movie for ourselves and what we and so it's stepping outside and trying to look through somebody else's lens. 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:29.000 And that's really...
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Season 3 | Episode #8: Renee Rosales
07/25/2023
Season 3 | Episode #8: Renee Rosales
Welcome back Renee Rosales, founder of ! We start the episode with a beautiful story honoring Renee’s maternal grandfather and the divine gifts we receive from past generations. Next, Candice and Renee address some current challenges within the neurodiversity movement (infighting, “meltdown”, etc.) and offer examples of what neuroinclusion can look like within loving relationships. They also take a deep dive into the concept of bridging (another one of Renee’s fabulous acronyms!), energy contagion, mindfulness, and more.
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #7: Nel & Bex
07/18/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #7: Nel & Bex
WEBVTT 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:44.000 Hi everybody, welcome to season 3, episode 7 of Fabulously Candice. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:50.000 We are slowly coming to the end. Of the fabulously Canada's podcast. Wild. And I'm in a different room today. 00:00:50.000 --> 00:01:12.000 I we've had a transformer blowout where I live and at our office and so I improvise so it's kind of a beautiful space and the lights coming in and The perfect time to have Nell and Beck's back on the podcast. 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:17.000 How long has it been by the way? Has it been? Feels like it's been a year about. 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:18.000 Maybe not. 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.000 It's been more than a year because I remember we were in our bedroom in Wellington and we have actually left what New Zealand just about. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:31.000 Wow. Yes. Okay. Okay, so let me just give everybody an update and that we're gonna dive in, but yeah, I remember when we did that we loved it so much we said let's just do it again. 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:38.000 We loved it so much. We said, let's just do it again. So I'm so happy we're doing it again. 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:44.000 It's perfect. When we last met Nell and Beck, they were living in New Zealand, Bex was a doctor and Nell was a communications professional. 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:57.000 Last year in July, 2,022 the couple moved to the US to be near Texas teenager whom they hadn't seen for 2 and a half years due to the COVID pandemic. 00:01:57.000 --> 00:02:10.000 Bex pronouns, they them now works for a nonprofit agency supporting people seeking affordable housing while now they them is a bus driver. 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:11.000 Yeah. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:27.000 I'm so curious about that job by the way. Backs and now have been together for 5 and a half years and married for 4 about 3 years ago Bex found out they were autistic and since that time now and backs have been on a journey of discovery learning how their different neurotypes interact and affect their communication intimacy 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:33.000 with each other. Welcome back. 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:37.000 Going you 2. 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 Oh. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:43.000 It's such a good job with that bio. Okay, yeah, sorry. What? 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.000 That's that on the video. Yeah. 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:54.000 Yeah, we're on video. We're all on video right now. Yeah, well this is just how, this is just how it is. 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:58.000 Something in my teeth. Just tell me now. I think you have a little seed in your teeth. 00:02:58.000 --> 00:02:59.000 Oh 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:06.000 Is it gone? 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.000 People won't be able to see, I couldn't see it. 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:13.000 No, it's fine. Oh, embarrassing. Yeah. 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:14.000 Yeah. 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:19.000 Oh, okay. So here we are, right? How are you 2 doing? 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:20.000 That's loaded. That's a loaded question. Isn't it? 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:27.000 Well. I've just made a, I made a pledge after the last session that I would try not to talk. 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:28.000 Oh. 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:34.000 So I'm just gonna let try and let Bex answer everything. I think when we listen to the podcast now thought they had talked too much. 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:35.000 Okay. I didn't feel that way. 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:44.000 It is. Oh, thank you. I, yeah, I can't really remember. But today we're doing really well. 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.000 Okay. 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:53.000 We'll have a day off together, which is great. But it's been a really hard sort of slog coming here. 00:03:53.000 --> 00:04:05.000 Testing and it's been very hard. I think you know like our relationship is really It's been really good for our relationship because it's been really hard on us. 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:06.000 That's. 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:15.000 Yeah, yeah, and so that's well, I think this is that's dissect that a little bit okay because for Folks listening, that's such a great. 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:30.000 Just something I think it would be really great for us to dive into. I guess where I go is I would think it would be really hard on the relationship to have that significant of a move and then both career changes or job changes. 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:38.000 And then just acclimating to life back in the states. So, but what I'm hearing is that perhaps it's Not been that. 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:44.000 It's brought you, it's been good for you. So let's go there. What's been good about this? 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:48.000 All the transitions. 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:58.000 Well. So let's see. I had I had really wanted to leave clinical medicine. 00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:59.000 Yeah. 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:11.000 So it's an opportunity to do that. The hard thing, I mean, we saved a lot of money and then we came here and it's It was unbelievably hard to find housing and super expensive and hard to find. 00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:24.000 Work that. Had commensurate income and I applied for all sorts of online jobs never really got anywhere and 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:32.000 You know, that either they just didn't want me or they didn't, weren't, you know, some remote jobs. 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:41.000 I wanted to do something like medical writing or consulting or you know, but it's really hard like even before we left New Zealand to try and get a remote job and like. 00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:44.000 Put so much energy into these cover letters. In tailoring the CV for all the different positions that they applied for. 00:05:44.000 --> 00:06:02.000 I mean, you reckon there must have been over 50 jobs. You know, all the things they tell you on LinkedIn to do and, and then probably places that were either requiring people to go back to the office and but they were like in Washington DC or New York or whatever. 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:12.000 Or you know you can't you can work remotely from lots of places but not Montana. I mean, and then we were in, we were in this place. 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:14.000 Yeah. 00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:24.000 So. I mean, there's a lot of layers like we were in this. Town that I where I moved from when I went to New Zealand. 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:43.000 My ex and my kid. And. No, it's really small. 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:44.000 Yeah. 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:50.000 It's very conservative. The cost of living has skyrocketed I think with COVID people went in like bought all these houses to live and work remotely and you know whatever at all Airbnb and and it was it's incredibly hard to find. 00:06:50.000 --> 00:07:03.000 How's housing and you know and I ended up my first job was working at Starbucks and then I was at this paper this printing factory putting 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:04.000 Hmm. 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:08.000 Swag and boxes for and corporate swag. Yeah, and, it was a great job for me. 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:12.000 I mean, I could go in. I mean, I could go in, I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like. 00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:13.000 Good, good. Yeah. 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:21.000 I mean, I could go in. I could, they let me wear my noise canceling headphones as a like a nationally they wouldn't because they are you can get run over by a forklift but when I proved to get run over by a forklift but when I proved to them that I could hear the 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:22.000 Oh good. 00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:32.000 forklift with my headphones. Then they were okay. Like you make your own schedule, you go in and you do your thing and you leave like it was perfect for an autistic person but not good for a person in their fifties who's starting to have like orthopedic issues and sore hand. 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.000 Oh yeah, yep. 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.000 Oh yeah, but anyway, because hands got all cut up, you know, sore and everything. 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:48.000 It was winter as well. So very cold and no health insurance and that was another thing like coming back here and trying to navigate that. 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:56.000 And your other job. Yeah, 3 jobs. And then I and then I also worked at the warming center in Livingston. 00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:57.000 Wow. 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:06.000 And so this Yeah, that which was an overnight shelter for homeless people which closed halfway through the season because of lack of funding. 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:15.000 So I was doing and that was evening night time work. It was and then now got a job in the school cafeteria. 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:22.000 So I was the first to get a job. I got a job. Basically 2 days after we arrived because I just didn't feel confident. 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:30.000 I didn't I couldn't sit still and just try and apply for remote work. And hope that I would get it. 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:31.000 Sure. 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.000 Like I just thought I have to get started on work and II didn't really want to do remote work. 00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:43.000 I wanted to work with Americans. So yeah, I started work in the high school kitchen. Doing, managing the cellar bar. 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:53.000 Which you know the last time I worked in a kitchen was in my early twenties when I was at university. 00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:54.000 Okay. 00:08:54.000 --> 00:09:03.000 And. It was a shock. I mean, I was standing up for 8 plus hours a day having been previously like a sedentary worker. 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:17.000 I remember getting home from work and my They felt like they were just on fire. I'd lie down in the shower and put them under the water because They, they, I think I described it to myself as like they. 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:26.000 They throbbed, they hummed with pain. And so I felt like I was outputting like actual kind of sensory waves from my feet. 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:35.000 Wow. That's a lot. It's a lot for the 2 of you. 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:36.000 Wow. 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:39.000 Yeah, anyway. No, that. And, and I cleaned houses on the side because I was only getting paid $15 82 an hour. 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:55.000 So there was but the trauma part so there was My ex, I mean, I didn't realize, but being, I mean, I should have realized because I actually tried to go back in 2,016 for part of the time and it was just terrible for my mental health. 00:09:55.000 --> 00:10:09.000 That was before I met. You know, just almost like this PTSD kind of thing. I mean, the relationship is, it's sort of at a distance civil, but we aren't friends in any way. 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:31.000 Like we don't and I can't get hooked into the stuff even just being there and then and One of the first like community things we went to was a school board meeting where they were discussing the fate of a librarian who back in May of 2,022. 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:42.000 Had taught a lesson to third graders on pride and this was now in September so all summer so it was older than that. 00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:43.000 Wow. 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:45.000 Was it only third grade? But it was just about prize. You know, it wasn't like. 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:46.000 Oh yeah, yeah. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:51.000 Yeah, and but apparently the parents were up and on because she hadn't given requisite notice that this was gonna be. 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:59.000 Hmm. Oh. 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:02.000 Yeah, what, yep. 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:03.000 Hmm. Oh my. 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.000 I mean, basically if you wanna do sex education, whatever. I mean, So we were at this like, like, like, all they were like, fire or fire her, you know. 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:07.000 That sounds traumatic. 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:18.000 Terrible and I mean like if this That was that was the start of a whole a series of I think traumatic. 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:19.000 Yeah. 00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:28.000 Events, basically. Oh, it's not it's not just coming from another country. It's we were We were being non-binary in a small Montana town. 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:44.000 Small conservative right it's like Yeah. 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:45.000 Wow. 00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:49.000 Yeah. And it's, yeah, and also a town where Bex's ex-wife sort of loomed quite large and has a has a picture framing shop on a corner of Green Street and so it's just kind of felt like You couldn't get away. 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:51.000 Yeah, so we can move from there now. We've moved to a neighboring bigger town and it's much better. 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:57.000 We've moved to Bozeman which is you know, a very short light from Salt Lake City. 00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.000 Better. Oh good! Hey hey! 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:05.000 And it is better. It's, I mean, it's kind of suburban. 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.000 Oh. 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:16.000 Actually, I've never lived in a place like this and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and at first I was like, oh my gosh, but we can see the mountains and it feels, but we can see the mountains and it feels more anonymous and but it's not super crowded like 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:20.000 a big city so it's it's kind of good. Like a big city. So it's kind of good. 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:23.000 And you know, it's super expensive. So it's, it's kind of good. And you know, it's super expensive. 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:26.000 It's probably, but it's actually not a lot. I mean, it used to be like. 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:32.000 You were pay 3 times more for the same place here than in Livingston, but now it's just like maybe a few $100 more but not. 00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:33.000 Yeah. 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:46.000 Many times more. And, yeah, so I have a I have a better job now that they the organization that ran the warming center I really like the organization and I really want to keep working for them. 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:47.000 No. 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:54.000 So I took a job doing property management because that was the only thing sort of going available that was full time, had had benefits. 00:12:54.000 --> 00:13:10.000 And then, and that was in Livingston and then when we decided to move over here, I just magically out of the blue was approached to apply for this other job in Bozeman. 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:11.000 Hmm. 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:12.000 Doing, case management for section 8 voucher. Recipients and that hasn't started yet. 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:34.000 They have a with the same organization which also has a transport I mean they they do housing they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do senior assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education assistance they do early childhood education they do senior assistance they do early childhood education they they run a free public bus system 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:35.000 Oh. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:38.000 which now can explain how that you know, early childhood education. They, they run a free public bus system, which no, no, can explain how that, you know, And. 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:48.000 Yeah, so they have it's quite and it's quite a good organization and you know, they do a lot of good stuff. 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:58.000 But helping people get housing in this community i mean it's a real need and it's 00:13:58.000 --> 00:13:59.000 Yeah 00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:11.000 Probably hugely frustrating. I am. I've read, Usually frustrating for well for the perspective tenants for the case managers for everyone who's involved trying to get people housing. 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:18.000 And for the prospective tenants. With 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:23.000 Yeah. Well, I love, I love, I'll just kind of break it down because Just even in that moment. 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:34.000 Right. He is a mixed arrow type couple as Bex shared and now just ask for clarification. So I wanna start. 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:35.000 Yeah. 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:41.000 Yeah, that's for that. That is something that I've really been learning to do. Like that's, I feel that's real progress that I've made. 00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:51.000 Well, that BX has helped me to make. Since we last spoke. Because I 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:57.000 I mean II make immediate meaning out of stuff that Beck says. I mean, I do that with everyone. 00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:58.000 Yeah. 00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:06.000 You know, just that's just my neurotransmitter brain works as someone says something, I make a meeting out of it and I decide that is what it means. 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:15.000 But with a fix I'm learning will know it doesn't mean that and we we had an example today like a a text message. 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:26.000 See, yeah, that's right. So Bix took the, their teenager to get a tattoo which end up panning out because the tattoo shop doesn't tattoo miners anymore. 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:27.000 Oh. 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:37.000 So they had to go to this other place. And the first thing Bex said in the text about it to me was The other tattoo place is between to dispensaries and smells of weed. 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:38.000 Yeah. 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:49.000 So I was the first thing I noticed when I walked in. I guess I guess I relate information kind of like reported chronologically yeah chronologically walked into the place and the first thing I noticed was it smelled like wheat. 00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:58.000 So that's the first thing I told Nell about it because because the kids wanted to go to so we didn't end up getting the tattoo because we had to make an appointment and it's a long story. 00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.000 Yeah. 00:15:59.000 --> 00:16:06.000 We had to have more documents. To get to for a 17 year old then we probably did to get green cards for them but and but the meaning I made of that I was I was like oh that doesn't sound like a good place to go. 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:16.000 I was like, oh, that doesn't sound like a good place to go. So I texted back immediately and said, I texted back immediately and said, I don't think you should go to that place. 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:18.000 And then Bex was like, why question Mark? I don't think you should go to that place. 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:20.000 And then Bex was like, why question Mark? And I was like, What do you mean? Why? 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.000 Because you've just told me it smells of feed and it's between dispensaries. I thought, oh hang on a minute. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:27.000 Yes. Yes....
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Season 3 | Episode #7: Bex & Nel
07/18/2023
Season 3 | Episode #7: Bex & Nel
Nel and Bex are back to update us on life since their international move to Montana! While there have been a fair number of logistical and familial struggles, they describe how the relationship has actually strengthened throughout the big transition. Candice guides us through what feels like a live therapy session in which they cover blended families, cohabiting with teenagers, sex, clashing neurodifferences, and the beauty in simply getting curious about the different parts of ourselves. Bex IG:
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #6: Renee Rosales
06/13/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #6: Renee Rosales
WEBVTT 00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:09.000 Hi everybody, welcome to season 3 episode 60 my gosh, what a morning it's been. 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:21.000 I've got my tissue. I have a little bit of a bloody nose. So if we see the blood, we're just gonna roll with it as we're interviewing today, our amazing, beautiful. 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:29.000 Guests, I'm so excited to have you on, but it's just Behind the scenes, you know, as being human, I just like to share that it's not always perfect. 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:38.000 It's not always like social media, right? So, and I've, I've gotten into this pattern. 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:44.000 What am I saying? That's not even true. I have a autistic ADHD break. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:56.000 So my ADHD brain likes to do a hundred things before my appointment, my podcast. So just so everyone knows, I literally was running around like how many things can I squeeze them before I get on? 00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:08.000 And then bloody nose slowed me down. So here I am. I just want to welcome to our podcast the most beautiful human Renee Renee. 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:09.000 Grizzales, Rosales. 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:10.000 How do you say your last name? I don't want to. Hey, okay, Renee. 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:18.000 And I've got to just touch up the bloody nose everybody. So I'm just gonna brag about you and then we're gonna get rolling. 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:19.000 Sounds great. 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:27.000 Okay, so Renee as a mother educator advocate and transformational leader. Yes, she is. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:42.000 Has set out to build a better way for the neuro, diversion or neuro different. Humans in the world as as an innovator she is the co-founder of 2 of the first virtual schools in Arizona. 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:49.000 So that's where our podcast producer who's amazing. Tatum is located and the founder of Sierra, is that right? 00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:51.000 How you say it? Tierra, okay! Hey. 00:01:51.000 --> 00:02:00.000 We call it CR. And there's a story behind the name, but yeah, it's a different kind of I put 2 words Yeah. 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.000 They are, so I definitely want to hear about that. So it's a business designed to support the neuro different from cradle to grace. 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:22.000 How gorgeous is that. As a visionary Renee has always sought to make the intangible, tangible love it, creating connections and building bridges in relationships that positively transform all aspects of love. 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:33.000 Renee has dedicated her life's work to helping the neuro distinct established belonging and connection. 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:34.000 Hi everybody! 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:36.000 So great to be here. Thank you for the wonderful introduction. 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:46.000 So great to have you. Well, yeah, I just let's start with the, tell the world about where that beautiful name came from. 00:02:46.000 --> 00:03:05.000 So, I'm a, I'm a creative writer and I have always kind of written stories on the side and the heroin in the story essentially her name was Ara and I actually didn't name her that it was Arabella but I only called her Ara ever in the story so I looked it 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:26.000 up and our means table of offerings. And so, Fiara, I put together the, this is my table of offerings to everything I've learned as an neurodivergent myself as the parent of neurodivergent children's as an educator. 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:27.000 Yeah. 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:30.000 I wanted to lay it all. You know, out there for parents and help guide them through. Then they're all diverse journey. 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:31.000 No, no. 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:33.000 It's not an easy one all the time and it's rot with a lot of negative stigma. 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:51.000 We struggle with those microaggressions every day. All the time. And I was listening to you talk to to your podcast with Ally Dearborn talking about removing the D's. 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:52.000 Oh. 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:54.000 And that's been such a big part of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Like we don't need to be calling these things deficits, disorders. 00:03:54.000 --> 00:04:06.000 I mean, they are neurological differences that should be celebrated because it's the neural divergence of the world that are likely going to solve a lot of the major problems of our future. 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:17.000 Because we think differently and the neurotypical brain doesn't have all that insight. It's and it's different perspective that I think everybody should learn to appreciate in a different way. 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:22.000 Well, I agree. And I love that it's a table of offerings and this is your table of offerings. 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:23.000 Yes. 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:39.000 So let's start with a lot of times when adults have neuro different children. They'll take them in for instance to an assessment or and then perhaps the assessor says to the parent, hey. 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:44.000 Do you wonder if you are? So I'm curious if that was your journey. 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:45.000 Okay. 00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:53.000 My journey was a little different. So I grew up in a household. My grandfather started accounting center years ago. 00:04:53.000 --> 00:05:08.000 Our family was very intimately involved at the center for much my upbringing, although not therapists, we were, I mean it was the language that I grew up in. 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:09.000 Hmm. 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:14.000 And I also started therapy. At the age of 12 because it was like right there available to me. And I, but I wasn't diagnosed. 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:28.000 With ADHD and I know now that I also am probably autistic as well. But I was never, I have never been officially a diagnosed autistic. 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:29.000 Hmm. Hmm. 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:38.000 Although my mother is autistic and I wasn't diagnosed with eighty-HD until 29 and honestly I had masked and I had gotten by. 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:39.000 Yeah. 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:51.000 And I had done well in school and let my ADHD work for me and really kind of just was dismissive of it. 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:52.000 Hmm. 00:05:52.000 --> 00:06:01.000 Until my son was, we started recognizing differences in him. And my older boy, I have 3, 3 boys, my and a daughter and my older boy he presented with those issues. 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:04.000 Hmm. 00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:05.000 Yeah. 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:16.000 With the ADHD issues, but I like we were already dealing with it. When my second son was born, he Didn't talk there were developmental delays and I took him in right away. 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:17.000 Hmm. 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:26.000 I was an early talker. My other son didn't have any speech issues. And, I was recognizing these issues when he was like 2. 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:27.000 Oh. 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:35.000 And so the pediatrician was pretty dismissive. I went and took him to the nearby university, had him evaluated there. 00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:42.000 Hmm. 00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:43.000 Oh. 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:48.000 And it turned out that he had childhood a proxy of speech. And he didn't he didn't talk in an intelligible way until he was almost 4 and we began the journey then and as his neurodiversity began to unfold. 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:54.000 You know, he's dyslexic. I, I believe he's also on the spectrum, but that's not his primary diagnosis. 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:55.000 Yeah. 00:06:55.000 --> 00:07:02.000 And, I started to recognize and begin to really more embrace my own neurodiversity. 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:08.000 And then I was dealing with it every day academically because I was directing an online school. An online school is a nontraditional environment. 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:14.000 Hmm. Hmm. 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:15.000 Yeah. 00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:24.000 So I was seeing a lot of these kids that were that were neuro-diversity and they they wanted that environment because they were having such a difficult time and a larger. 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:25.000 Yes. 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:28.000 Grop, a more typical individuals. So that let me down this road and I started there and then my relationship, cause this is the sexiest podcast. 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:33.000 So I want to talk things to actually with you. 00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:39.000 Oh my gosh, good. Good. I'm so glad. 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:40.000 Oh yeah, now. 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:47.000 Yeah, no, I don't wanna just dive into the parenting journey, but it's what got me there because my husband, was also, he's also, dyslexic as well. 00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:54.000 Okay. 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:55.000 Hmm. 00:07:55.000 --> 00:08:01.000 And we were in this mixed neurodiverse relationship and as things began opening up with my sun, things began shifting in my marriage. 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:12.000 Hmm. 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:13.000 Awesome. 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:27.000 And we began becoming more aware of how much our neurodiversity was impacting. Our relationship and started really embracing it and a whole new way and that's kind of where everything it began to really positively shift and transform although I must say it wasn't always easy. 00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:28.000 Yes. 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:35.000 I mean we hit roadblocks. I listened to another podcast where you were on with Chris and you guys were talking about practicing pause and we had to learn to do that because I think you and I are liking that when he would just walk away and. 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:36.000 Hmm. 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:56.000 I would panic inside, you know, I'm like, what are you doing? You don't care, you know, and all of that stuff was coming up and now we've learned to communicate it in a loving way. 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:57.000 Good. 00:08:57.000 --> 00:09:02.000 I need, you know, a break. We both do it when I get dysregulated and I'll request the pause too and I always try to think of I use acronyms to guide my brain through things. 00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:03.000 Oh good. 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:07.000 So I use my piece acronym to kind of help me. Move through the process. 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:14.000 I love that. Holy cow, there's so much to unpack. Tell everybody what your peace acronym is. 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:19.000 It's practice exercising amicable calm engagement. 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:22.000 What? 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:40.000 I have to write this down. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.000 Yeah. 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:44.000 So I just go there and like, how can I get to that place of calm, whether I need to go do some mindfulness, some deep breathing, go on a walk, whatever I need to do to get into my body, know that like my body is already telling me because you feel all that stuff and it's much more dramatic 00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:49.000 with your love relationships. Because they're what matter to you most, you know, and what caused the most pain for us a lot of times. 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:53.000 Yes. Yes. 00:09:53.000 --> 00:10:01.000 And so. You know, you're not gonna get anything accomplished when you're playing that tennis ball back and forth with each other. 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:02.000 Yeah. 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:09.000 You know, so I, the calm and it's been such a transformational thing for. Anthony and I. 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:10.000 So. 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:23.000 Yep. Oh my gosh, you've said so much. So first I just wanna acknowledge that. There's so many of us in the neurodiversity movement who are committed to changing the dialogue that is going on in schools. 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:24.000 Yes. 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:42.000 Teachers and then medical professionals and mental health therapists because The roadblocks are so detrimental to not only our neuro different children. 00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:43.000 Yes. 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:44.000 But also us as adults and especially being females. We go under the radar so for so long and then are constantly misdiagnosed. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:57.000 We are exhausted, right? Like I started early too, completely misdiagnosed, have had the worst most horrific things said to me by clinicians and so yeah that needs to change. 00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:59.000 Yes. Absolutely. 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:07.000 So kudos to you. Goodos to you for being an advocate, not just for your kids, but also for you. 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:08.000 Yes. 00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:12.000 And your relationship, right? Because it just has to change. So I just really want to salute you. 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:23.000 I also want to repeat your acronym so that everyone hears that. Because we literally we live in a world that is too loud. 00:11:23.000 --> 00:11:45.000 Too bright. There's too many people and it's too much. It's too much for human nature and it's too much for those of us that are neuro different. 00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:46.000 Yes. 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:50.000 Who feel everyone's energy. Which medical providers and mental health professionals need to know the number. One thing that is our issue is that we it's too much energetically, then let's add on all the sensory stuff. 00:11:50.000 --> 00:12:02.000 So piece is this practice. Exercising. Which could mean like what would you say like friendly Kind. I love that. 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:03.000 I love, I love it. 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:06.000 Just kind, you know, when you look, I'm a word lady, so it essentially means kind. 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:07.000 Calm. 00:12:07.000 --> 00:12:14.000 I love it. I love it. So practice exercising a mickable or kind calm engagement and how we get there. 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:22.000 And I love that you talked about this about you and Anthony is we gotta do just kind of let me step back for a minute. 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:41.000 Let me pause. I've talked about that so much. Let me just see what's going on inside because there's 4 types of empathy and what you described, which again for so many of us that are neuro different is somatic empathy where we feel physically so strongly. 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:50.000 Other people on what's going on, even if we can't acknowledge it, that just that alone can lead us into a meltdown, which is not a tantrum. 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:55.000 It's not a tantrum. It's a valid way of just kind of our system going on overdrive. 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:59.000 Or shutting down from the world where we withdraw. So this is just beautiful. It's just beautiful. 00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:11.000 Alright. Hmm. It's been so, I mean, I can't tell you when I, because I left the public school system. 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:12.000 Wow. 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:17.000 I had had a 25 year career there. I was doing really well. There was absolutely no reason for me to leave. 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:29.000 I got us through COVID and I said. I'm done because what happened really My youngest son, we took in after his. 00:13:29.000 --> 00:13:30.000 Wow. 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:33.000 His father got gravely ill. He since passed. And, so I, we have permanent kinship guardianship of our youngest boy. 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:39.000 Wow. 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:40.000 Hmm. 00:13:40.000 --> 00:14:00.000 And he had been going through all this trauma and I was taking trauma and formed care parenting classes when we were going through that. 00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:01.000 Yeah. 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:08.000 And I realized as neurodivergence the intersection of that trauma because the trauma that I had experienced as a young person related to my nerd diversity and what my son was experiencing was equally intense as what my other son was experiencing all the very different reasons why we were experiencing in this trauma and And we don't have to live in a world that way. 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:14.000 It's, you know, I talk about the ABCs, be aware, be brave, be curious. 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:15.000 Hmm. Yeah. 00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:24.000 That's how we should lead neuro inclusion in my, you know, in. And that's the way I've since I started and I left I that's been my whole focus. 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:32.000 Let's. Teach everyone I can the ABCs and create a more inclusive environment we need to lead with curiosity when we're with other people. 00:14:32.000 --> 00:14:48.000 Oh my gosh. You are speaking my language. So I'm an IFS therapist. I'm also an EMDR certified therapist and we know my expertise is also in section relationships. 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:56.000 I love that you just said be aware, be brave, be curious because as far as internal family systems model goes. 00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:01.000 Those like if I can just be aware in terms of getting clarity. So this is what we talk about in terms of internal family systems. 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:12.000 I know I have more self energy on board, meaning I'm more mindful, right? If I have more clarity in this space, bravery is courage. 00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:17.000 And I can be curious. Right? Take out the judgment. We get so much farther. 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:26.000 Yes. Yeah, so much more time, so much more done. Yeah, just lead with the ABCs. 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:27.000 I love it. 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:28.000 That's, you know, that's everything I'm doing at Thiera is about that and I've tried to integrate because it's about education. 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:40.000 It's a different world, but I tried to integrate everything I knew about behavioral science, CBT, family systems, all of that. 00:15:40.000 --> 00:15:48.000 I love it. 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.000 Love it. 00:15:49.000 --> 00:16:00.000 Into the classes so people could have access that maybe can't afford therapy or can't go in so they go through the courses and there's just little tidbits to kind of give them an introduction to guide them through the journey, whether they have kids that are pre K or kids that are in school or they're at work, you know. 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:09.000 I have it for the workplace. So it's But it's completely transformed my own personal life. 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:10.000 Yeah. 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:16.000 So regardless of What all happen with it moving forward, it's moved our whole family forward. My friendships forward, everything about what I do forward. 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:22.000 Love it. 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:23.000 Yes! 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:32.000 And...
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Season 3 | Episode #6: Renee Rosales
06/13/2023
Season 3 | Episode #6: Renee Rosales
Renee Rosales is a mother, wife, educator, advocate, transformational leader, and founder of : a business designed to support the Neurodiverse from cradle to grace. In this episode, we learn the beautiful origin story behind Theara as well as examples from Renee’s acronym-based system that leads the way to a brighter future with Neurodiversity. Candice and Renee have a fabulous, flowing conversation about their plethora of shared passions, how neurodistinctions can show up in relationships, and the empowerment that comes with recognizing Neurodiversity as its own culture. Follow:
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Season 3 | Episode #5: Aly Dearborn
05/30/2023
Season 3 | Episode #5: Aly Dearborn
Welcome back, Aly Dearborn! In today’s episode, Candice and Aly reflect on their presentation from the 2023 IITAP Symposium: Love Addicted or Seeking Safety: Accurately Screening, Diagnosing, & Treating Autistic Females with Symptoms of Trauma, Sex, & Love Addiction In Both Inpatient and Outpatient Settings. We also get an introduction to their updated assessment tool for diagnosing Autistic females, including how and why they decided to “ditch the D’s” of the DSM!
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #5: Aly Dearborn
05/30/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #5: Aly Dearborn
WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.109 --> 00:00:24.109 Hi! Everybody. Welcome to season. 3. Episode 5 of fabulously Candice, and before I introduce our fabulous guest today, I just have to say that I bought jelly shoes from melissa.com, and I had jelly shoes in 1986. 2 00:00:24.109 --> 00:00:29.109 I was 12, and I haven't had them since, and they smell so good. 3 00:00:29.109 --> 00:00:36.109 So for those of you autistic folks out there that, like sensory stimulation, I want to. 4 00:00:36.109 --> 00:00:40.109 Well, who doesn't? That's autistic. What am I saying? 5 00:00:40.109 --> 00:00:41.109 What's what I struggle with is, I just want to smell my shoes all the time. 6 00:00:41.109 --> 00:00:51.109 So Ally, after I introduce you, we're gonna probably have to talk about that because I'm wearing them today. 7 00:00:51.109 --> 00:00:54.109 And I just want to smell them. They smell so good. 8 00:00:54.109 --> 00:01:03.109 But I also want to say so, random, but for folks listening, this is just part of my brain, and really my Adhd brain. 9 00:01:03.109 --> 00:01:17.109 5 min before I'm supposed to get on today. I decided it was necessary to clean out my purse, so want to say that this rad this is the story of our life behind the scenes right? 10 00:01:17.109 --> 00:01:21.109 And lastly, lastly, Allie is Ali. 11 00:01:21.109 --> 00:01:27.109 Before I introduce you. People know, Ally, though I will say, because you've been on before, hey? 12 00:01:27.109 --> 00:01:31.109 I just got back on Instagram for a moment's day. 13 00:01:31.109 --> 00:01:37.109 It's a visual stim nightmare. I just want to say it's a visual stem nightmare, and why? 14 00:01:37.109 --> 00:01:40.109 Because I'm obsessed with it. So I've got to figure out how to navigate that. 15 00:01:40.109 --> 00:01:50.109 But I'm sure other people can relate to that struggle with visual stem, and especially on social media. 16 00:01:50.109 --> 00:01:51.109 Holy cow. With that being said, Welcome, Ellie Dearborn! 17 00:01:51.109 --> 00:01:52.109 Welcome back! 18 00:01:52.109 --> 00:01:58.109 Yay so happy to be with you again, Candace. 19 00:01:58.109 --> 00:02:06.109 Yes, I love this. We have become good friends, and so much has happened since you came on the first time. 20 00:02:06.109 --> 00:02:07.109 So let me just give you another shout out you've been licensed for nearly 15 years. 21 00:02:07.109 --> 00:02:16.109 You're an expert in treating women with complex trauma and various addictive behavior. 22 00:02:16.109 --> 00:02:23.109 You've been on a lifelong quest to better understand yourself and to discover your autism earlier, and you discovered your autism earlier this year. 23 00:02:23.109 --> 00:02:25.109 Yeah, last year. Now, yeah. 24 00:02:25.109 --> 00:02:32.109 We talked about that. And it actually, last year. But it actually has really catalyzed. 25 00:02:32.109 --> 00:02:37.109 All you're doing, I mean, I would say it's completely switched. 26 00:02:37.109 --> 00:02:40.109 Your practice and your focus in working with autistic women and really getting the word out. 27 00:02:40.109 --> 00:02:48.109 There 2 clinicians and medical providers, and other professionals. 28 00:02:48.109 --> 00:03:00.109 On what autism in females looks like, and how can we assess accurately, so that we can provide proper and appropriate treatments? 29 00:03:00.109 --> 00:03:05.109 So with that. 30 00:03:05.109 --> 00:03:06.109 Yes. 31 00:03:06.109 --> 00:03:14.109 Yes, and we got to do. I think the incredible work in starting that information flow within the ipac community, for sure. 32 00:03:14.109 --> 00:03:18.109 Yes, so we did. So. Itap is the the International Institute for trauma and addiction professionals. 33 00:03:18.109 --> 00:03:21.109 Itap, and I'm just going to read the title of our presentation. 34 00:03:21.109 --> 00:03:29.109 So ally, and I in April, at the end of April. 35 00:03:29.109 --> 00:03:49.109 Gosh! Time flies presented on love, addicted or seeking safety, accurately assessing and treating autistic females with symptoms of trauma, sex and love addiction in both inpatient and outpatient settings and it was a huge success. 36 00:03:49.109 --> 00:03:50.109 Do you? 37 00:03:50.109 --> 00:03:51.109 It was. Yes, I've had so much anxiety going into it because it had been a while since I had done any sort of formal professional presentation. 38 00:03:51.109 --> 00:04:04.109 But as soon as we started going, Candace, it was like just fine, you know, like it just deeply believe in the information and the importance of it, and was really touched by the cues of safety that, I know. 39 00:04:04.109 --> 00:04:16.109 Ed in the room, just people smiling and nodding along. 40 00:04:16.109 --> 00:04:29.109 And, you know, being just the felt tone in the room to me, felt this very. 41 00:04:29.109 --> 00:04:30.109 Hmm! 42 00:04:30.109 --> 00:04:37.109 Honoring and like. There was genuine curiosity, and I just find that so meaningful. 43 00:04:37.109 --> 00:04:50.109 Well, and I I love that. You just said that for folks that are listing, because here we are professionals again, we have learned to mask for so many decades, both of us autistic coming out in our you know. 44 00:04:50.109 --> 00:04:55.109 I mean they they knew like a the audience members knew, but we had Deborah Kaplan, who's a big name in our field, you know. 45 00:04:55.109 --> 00:04:59.109 Yes. 46 00:04:59.109 --> 00:05:14.109 She's all about financial infidelity. And then we had Jenna Romerzma, who's a dear friend who wrote altogether you, and is the editor of altogether us, which I've been blessed to be an author in one of the chapters in we had 47 00:05:14.109 --> 00:05:15.109 Marty free. Marnie Free is a big name in our field, who? 48 00:05:15.109 --> 00:05:23.109 What kind of really took the lead for autistic or not autistic. 49 00:05:23.109 --> 00:05:27.109 Excuse me, females who came out as love and sex addicted decades ago, right? 50 00:05:27.109 --> 00:05:29.109 Yeah. 51 00:05:29.109 --> 00:05:36.109 So, among other amazing, we had other autistic individuals, both females, males in the room. 52 00:05:36.109 --> 00:05:37.109 It was just so beautiful to have so much support. And really, people from all over. 53 00:05:37.109 --> 00:05:49.109 So I feel like that. Just felt very honoring to me to see the familiar faces. 54 00:05:49.109 --> 00:05:52.109 And I loved how you said that in terms of cues of safety, because both of us were really anxious. 55 00:05:52.109 --> 00:06:03.109 I mean. I sang on the mic before. 56 00:06:03.109 --> 00:06:06.109 Did a little bit of karaoke, because that's also part of who we are. 57 00:06:06.109 --> 00:06:16.109 Just really fine and spontaneous, but I really loved how you and I were able to dispel a lot of myths about autistic females. 58 00:06:16.109 --> 00:06:22.109 So I really want us to start there, Ally, let's just dispel some miss. 59 00:06:22.109 --> 00:06:31.109 Maybe we talk about how we've done this before, but I do think it's worthwhile so many of us are misdiagnosed as borderline. 60 00:06:31.109 --> 00:06:35.109 I know I was. You were given that diagnosis. 61 00:06:35.109 --> 00:06:42.109 I get that there are similarities. But, my God! So let's start there with, what is that about Ally? 62 00:06:42.109 --> 00:06:43.109 Why are so many clinicians, instead of taking time to look at a neurological difference? 63 00:06:43.109 --> 00:06:48.109 I'm so grateful to have witnessed that performance. 64 00:06:48.109 --> 00:06:50.109 Does that go in for the borderline diagnosis? 65 00:06:50.109 --> 00:06:55.109 Oh, goodness, yeah! Such a. 66 00:06:55.109 --> 00:07:01.109 There's so much work to be done here, and I think just. 67 00:07:01.109 --> 00:07:11.109 With what, we were able to accomplish in our kind of presentation. 68 00:07:11.109 --> 00:07:12.109 Yes. 69 00:07:12.109 --> 00:07:13.109 Talk. I mean. This to me was one of the primary things that I people to come away with. 70 00:07:13.109 --> 00:07:26.109 You know which is that because of the lack of understanding about female autism and it's kind of presentation or you know, it's observability by others. 71 00:07:26.109 --> 00:07:37.109 You know, and because I think there's a lot that's assumed about what it means to be autistic, like, maybe that you're like, you know, anti relational like that, you know, kind of like, you're a solitary figure, you love being alone. 72 00:07:37.109 --> 00:07:55.109 And so it's like, there's less consideration around, kind of how the challenges within relationships can emerge. 73 00:07:55.109 --> 00:07:56.109 Yeah. 74 00:07:56.109 --> 00:07:57.109 You know. So it's like, so I think there's a multitude of factors. 75 00:07:57.109 --> 00:08:04.109 But one being that you know the development, maintain a maintenance. 76 00:08:04.109 --> 00:08:26.109 You know, kind of the whole experience of relationships, having differences in the experiences of relationships is part of the diagnostic criteria for being autistic, but because the relationships maybe are colored like in my own past experience. 77 00:08:26.109 --> 00:08:41.109 And we've touched on this together, you know, with like a lot of confusion. 78 00:08:41.109 --> 00:08:42.109 Umhm. 79 00:08:42.109 --> 00:08:48.109 And then with the rejection, sensitive dysphoria that Adhds or autistics also experience, which is essentially from the nervous system, standpoint like a you know, a very quick collapse. 80 00:08:48.109 --> 00:08:57.109 You know where you ride through all layers of your poly, vague ladder. 81 00:08:57.109 --> 00:08:58.109 Yeah. 82 00:08:58.109 --> 00:09:08.109 According to you know, Deb, data is work, and you end up in, you know, dorsal, like total despair, which can be triggering for self harming behaviors such as you know. 83 00:09:08.109 --> 00:09:14.109 Yes. Yeah. 84 00:09:14.109 --> 00:09:15.109 Yeah. 85 00:09:15.109 --> 00:09:19.109 I use hit myself, I would have suicide attempts, you know, multiple especially through my adolescence, and you know, or in sort of the face of some massive relational disruption. 86 00:09:19.109 --> 00:09:35.109 And because the attachment in the primary relationships, I think it's often like our whole can become like almost like the you know, it's like the whole ground beneath us is anchored in sort of our primary support. 87 00:09:35.109 --> 00:10:03.109 Person at times, and when that relationship is disrupted, the significance of the round beneath you being completely earthquake, you know, is a really debastating life experience that was precipit, you know, like those experiences precipitated. 88 00:10:03.109 --> 00:10:04.109 Yes. 89 00:10:04.109 --> 00:10:09.109 My final you know, quote unquote mental health crisis as a 38 year old woman in my early, you know, when I started this recovery mission, and that is something that's also very common. 90 00:10:09.109 --> 00:10:15.109 But because we have so little understanding about autistic people and autistic females. 91 00:10:15.109 --> 00:10:35.109 Specifically, I think, when clinicians see challenging chaotic relationships and then self harming attempts, it just bling blings to they must be borderline while missing. 92 00:10:35.109 --> 00:10:36.109 Yes. 93 00:10:36.109 --> 00:10:37.109 There are so many other kind of components here to assess, and there are ways to really look for and explore for kind of what. 94 00:10:37.109 --> 00:10:45.109 What's the nature you know of, you know. Change in transitions. 95 00:10:45.109 --> 00:10:50.109 What causes the conflict right like? Did someone not do what they said? 96 00:10:50.109 --> 00:10:55.109 They were gonna do right like, you know where you know what? 97 00:10:55.109 --> 00:10:56.109 Right. 98 00:10:56.109 --> 00:11:03.109 Even what's the source of the anger, and is that you know, the emotional dysregulation that is part and parcel. 99 00:11:03.109 --> 00:11:04.109 Yes, yes. 100 00:11:04.109 --> 00:11:07.109 Neuro. Different experience, you know, is considered to be borderline type behavior. 101 00:11:07.109 --> 00:11:18.109 But I'm really curious, honestly, from a research perspective like, is it possible that everything we've ever known about borderline personality? 102 00:11:18.109 --> 00:11:28.109 Which is a historical and pathologizing primary diagnosis for females like akin to the hysteria. 103 00:11:28.109 --> 00:11:38.109 Oh! 104 00:11:38.109 --> 00:11:39.109 Yeah. 105 00:11:39.109 --> 00:11:45.109 You know, earlier versions of the Dsm. But is it really autistic women and people that have missed looking for some of the other criteria, like with negative behaviors or the sensory sensitivity, right the thinking patterns? 106 00:11:45.109 --> 00:11:46.109 Huh! 107 00:11:46.109 --> 00:11:48.109 Anyway, that's some initial thoughts. 108 00:11:48.109 --> 00:12:07.109 Oh, my gosh! Well! And you just explained it so eloquently and articulately, and you just nailed it because the reality is that we do want to be in relationship, and for so many autistic females we get in these relationships. 109 00:12:07.109 --> 00:12:14.109 And we're we are very vulnerable. The autism diagnosis creates vulnerability. 110 00:12:14.109 --> 00:12:18.109 And so we're very trusting, too, trusting, right? 111 00:12:18.109 --> 00:12:29.109 We often are, we fall victim, and pray to gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, not just in our intimate relationships, Ali, but my gosh! 112 00:12:29.109 --> 00:12:32.109 In our peer relationships as adult women, including when we are younger. 113 00:12:32.109 --> 00:12:37.109 Right. So it's like. But clinicians are right. 114 00:12:37.109 --> 00:12:42.109 They look at the emotional dysregulation they look at. 115 00:12:42.109 --> 00:12:43.109 If they're substant, abuse the it. 116 00:12:43.109 --> 00:12:46.109 Oh yes! 117 00:12:46.109 --> 00:12:59.109 The intensity of relationships. They look at self harming behavior and suicidal ideation which you and I know you just said it to is literally a natural response to rejection, sensitivity. 118 00:12:59.109 --> 00:13:00.109 It doesn't mean we're going to do harm. 119 00:13:00.109 --> 00:13:14.109 Necessarily, we you know, add it literally. If if you ask enough questions you're gonna find out. 120 00:13:14.109 --> 00:13:15.109 Yes. 121 00:13:15.109 --> 00:13:19.109 Oh, that's rejection, sensitivity! But those alone cause clinicians to go borderline, and the sad reality. 122 00:13:19.109 --> 00:13:26.109 The reason why I wanted to start here is because borderline is so stigmatized. 123 00:13:26.109 --> 00:13:35.109 It's like, your borderline. It's almost like when autism men are missed out as narcissist. You're a narcissist right? 124 00:13:35.109 --> 00:13:40.109 There's so much stigma that comes with those 2 diagnosis. 125 00:13:40.109 --> 00:13:43.109 Yeah, there's no treatment for you. There's no help for you. 126 00:13:43.109 --> 00:13:44.109 Hmm! 127 00:13:44.109 --> 00:13:54.109 You're the problem right? Instead of this compassionate inquiry, I guess, as I use theaporable taste, language. 128 00:13:54.109 --> 00:13:59.109 But instead of being compassionate, and taking the time to inquire about what's going on, which leads me to our assessment. 129 00:13:59.109 --> 00:14:08.109 Yeah, yeah, I'm so proud of this piece of work. 130 00:14:08.109 --> 00:14:09.109 Yes. 131 00:14:09.109 --> 00:14:13.109 And really just sentence, you know, kind of trying to synthesize some of the. 132 00:14:13.109 --> 00:14:14.109 What the research that has been conducted shows on the female expression of autism. 133 00:14:14.109 --> 00:14:29.109 You know, and centering those kind of characteristics and traits, and the commonalities that show up through lived experience. 134 00:14:29.109 --> 00:14:35.109 Research and more autistic researcher focused research. You know. 135 00:14:35.109 --> 00:14:45.109 And then with that comes the whole development of really challenging the entire medical model view of autism. 136 00:14:45.109 --> 00:14:59.109 As a quote, unquote disorder, and looking through a neural affirmative lens which use autism as a neurotype, not as a disorder. 137 00:14:59.109 --> 00:15:18.109 And thereby changes the languaging of how we're assessing for autism by presenting it as autistic ways of being as opposed to symptoms of a disorder. 138 00:15:18.109 --> 00:15:19.109 Yeah, I love that. 139 00:15:19.109 --> 00:15:20.109 So what I'm loving about. 140 00:15:20.109 --> 00:15:25.109 Of course you know the the myriad of edits that this document has, and since we shared it at Itap. 141 00:15:25.109 --> 00:15:40.109 But the more more we kind of work on it, the more excited they get, because they think it's also a teaching tool for clinicians. 142 00:15:40.109 --> 00:15:41.109 Yes. 143 00:15:41.109 --> 00:15:48.109 You know, or for autistic people themselves. Right like that, you know, there's it's a teaching about how all of the best practice recommendations. 144 00:15:48.109 --> 00:15:55.109 Yup. For us. You know nothing without us. You know nothing about it. 145 00:15:55.109 --> 00:15:56.109 Yes, about us. Without us. Yeah. 146 00:15:56.109 --> 00:16:09.109 Yes, right? Exactly like that includes autistic voices. And for me, as you know, feminist as a female like this, it is like working with women, is my area. 147 00:16:09.109 --> 00:16:10.109 Yeah. 148 00:16:10.109 --> 00:16:11.109 Of interest. You know I have a that's a narrow niche, perhaps, but also why? 149...
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #4: Ben VanHook
05/16/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #4: Ben VanHook
WEBVTT 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.000 Hi! Everybody! Welcome to fabulously Candice! Holy cow! 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:10.000 It's been a minute since we've recorded. 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:15.000 There's been so much going on this year. We're at season 3, episode 4. 00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:21.000 And I must say this is going to actually be our last season. For a few reasons. 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:33.000 So we're taking full advantage of interviewing the most amazing for a few reasons. So we're taking full advantage of interviewing the most amazing individuals on our podcast as we end our wrap up fabulously. Candice. 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:38.000 But today I want to introduce Ben Van Hook. Hi, Ben! 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:39.000 Hello! Thank you for having me on. 00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:43.000 Yeah, I love that you're on with me. So let me brag about you. 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:58.000 Ben is autistic. Adhd so like me, and is an expert on the autistic student experience he's spoken at Stanford that has been featured in programs from Pbs to the New York Times. 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:09.000 He has allered articles for the American Psychological Association, and advise groups from the open mainframe project to partners and prompt in promise. 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:10.000 Ben is currently a master student, studying public policy at Georg Mason University. 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:19.000 That's pretty awesome with the hopes of reforming employment and education policy to make both domains more inclusive for neuro divergent individuals. Wow! 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:31.000 Ben. That is quite the bio. 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:36.000 Thank you. I I'm doing my best to support our community. 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:38.000 It's sometimes a little bit difficult, because I'm also a master. Soon. 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:55.000 So I sometimes difficult balancing studies with work with advocacy, but I do my best to do on school and kind of manage more time and school as well as advocacy, and my full-time job. 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:56.000 Hi! I understand. I will say I used to be on Linkedin so much more. 00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:00.000 But there's just so much going on out there of social media that I'm in this same boat. 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:11.000 So I feel you. It's like we want to balance that advocacy with what we're doing in the real world. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:15.000 And we. We're doing a lot of advocacy in the real world, too. Right? 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:16.000 We are. Yes! 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:24.000 Yeah. So tell me, do you feel comfortable? Just talking a little bit about your dinosed as autistic? Adhd. 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:31.000 Was that something that you were later later diagnosed? Or is it something that you were diagnosed when you're younger? 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:33.000 So it's interesting. Because I was diagnosed when I was younger. 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:57.000 I think I was about 5 or 6, and I went from a public elementary school to a private middle school and a private high school to help me through my education, and so I could look be in smaller classes, and so I could add more individualized attention to help me get through schooling but the thing was at the 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:03.000 time I didn't really think that I was going into these smaller classes for my autism. 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:23.000 I didn't really know I had autism, so I my parents, kind of hit that diagnosis from me until I was in high school, and the reason I why I thought I was going to school into like private middle schools and high schools was because I was bullied a lot from my race and 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:24.000 Hmm! 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:31.000 ethnicity and elementary school, and I kept asking my parents to send me to another school. 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:32.000 Hmm! 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:33.000 Send me to another school district. Just get me out of the public school system. 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:52.000 So I thought they were sending me to these private schools, so to protect me from the bullies. 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:53.000 Hmm! 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:58.000 But I only found on twelfth grade, as I was applying to colleges, so I was autistic because my college campor told me that it would be really useful for we looked at colleges with autism programs, and my reaction was shock like, I was what is autism is it dangerous is it something 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:02.000 that I should be afraid of what is it? And we kind of. 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.000 That's how the conversation got started and I kind of carry that conversation at home where I ask my parents a little bit about autism and a little bit. 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:19.000 What about like? What it was like being different and why? It's important for me to go to these schools with autism programs. 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:33.000 And I, was able to learn more about myself. I was able to learn about why supports, athletes, programs would be really beneficial to me, and it really helped me understand myself better. 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:36.000 Having these open, honest conversations. 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:54.000 I love that. And so do you find that because of your experience, smaller classrooms, more open conversations that that's also inspired you to wanna advocate for change in the employment arena as well as in the education arena? 00:04:54.000 --> 00:05:02.000 Yeah, I think that's really important. I think, having these conversations and having a space to do so is really important. 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:18.000 And one of the ways we I'm trying to reform employment is that I'm trying to create different nerd divergent advisory boards in advisory panels at different organizations to provide no diversion employees a space for them to get their needs but for them to 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:28.000 advocate for themselves in their community, and also provide for a resource for people who might not be as comfortable self-advocating for themselves. 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:29.000 Yeah. 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:48.000 Snowing, that you have an ally in the workplace, or knowing that you have a group of people who are like who are behind you, and who you can rely upon this really important to an employee's emotional and psychological well-being, it definitely has translated to my 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:57.000 work with employment, and wanting to provide for the say for smaller different groups, for people to be a part of. 00:05:57.000 --> 00:06:01.000 Well, I love that. And as you were talking I was thinking of my own experience. 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:07.000 I I'm going back to school in the fall, and so by the time I complete it I'll be 50. 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:12.000 It's a very short program it's a certificate, advanced certificate training program. 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:19.000 And when I did my interview, so I you know my application went through, and then I had an interview to get in. 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:25.000 The woman that interviewed me grilled me on autism, you know. 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:40.000 How do you know your autistic? So I found myself quote, proving my autism and just kind of that same rhetoric of Well, I used to work with autistic mills, you know, here are doing research. 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:50.000 And and so I felt very shut down, and I it was the very first question, and I had about an hour with her, and so it was. 00:06:50.000 --> 00:07:05.000 I mean, I had to keep it together. But afterwards I cried, you know, and so I love that you're thinking about this in terms of yeah, we've got to change this so that autistic folks neuro different folks have support going into the education system. 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:13.000 No matter how old we are, and then also with employment, because well, the first thing I think is, we shouldn't have to prove ourselves. 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:22.000 People really need to be educated if we're talking now about being culturally sensitive, I really look at autism and neuro difference as it's a neurological culture. 00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:30.000 And so, you know, because there's so much, I guess you know. 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:34.000 Push for let's be multiculturally diverse, and and, you know, sensitive to diversity when it comes to cultures and ethnicity. 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:41.000 Well, let's be neurologically sensitive as well. 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:43.000 What are your thoughts on that? 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:46.000 Yeah, I think that's a really interesting way to think about it. 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:59.000 Narrow inclusivity, having a separate culture for nodivergent individuals, and I think it's we can break that down even further and say, there's even subcultures within this culture. 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.000 Yes. 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:05.000 And that's whereinceptionality comes in, because we are divergent to are part of the community. 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:34.000 We have no divergence who are of racial and ethnic minorities, and we have narrow divergent individuals who, like myself, are adopted, and that comes with the whole different set of challenges, but also a whole different set of strengths, like for example, being adopted comes with in terms of 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:35.000 Hmm! 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:38.000 abandonment from like anyone and everyone professional lives. But it also makes us more compassionate, and it also makes us a lot more empathetic towards others who, have, like really similar challenges, or who have been abandoned in the past. 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:48.000 So these different intersections can create different sub or micro cultures within this larger neuro-culture. 00:08:48.000 --> 00:09:08.000 So I really like that way of thinking about it. I think one of the way I really like the example understands about the interview itself, because I've also been pushing for interview reforms, and I've been pushing for universal design in the workplace as well as education and being able 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:29.000 to tailor. Each aspect of someone's job to their strengths, and being able to provide for the most accommodating environment from the outset, for neurodivergent employees and one of the ways in which this can get started is in the application process the job description is the first 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:39.000 thing that many people see when applying for your job, and a lot of times the job description is inaccessible because it's long. 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:40.000 Yeah. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:42.000 It's very lengthy a lot of times. 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:47.000 The terms required versus preferred requirements are not really distinguished. 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:52.000 So if we see requirement, and we're just like Nope, we don't have that, even if we have 5 or 6 others. 00:09:52.000 --> 00:10:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:02.000 Okay. 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:03.000 I don't apply, because I'm afraid they're going to grow me on that one aspect that I don't have and that's what happened a few times. 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:19.000 But even moving past like the job description, and going off with the job description, like there's language technology, it's like what exactly is competency in or familiarity in, because I can be competent in the tool. 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:20.000 I can have a knowledge in 95% of like an app or 2. 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:27.000 But I might not be completely in the 5% that you need me to do for the job. 00:10:27.000 --> 00:10:37.000 So I've been out of waiting for a lot more specific guidelines as to what we'll be doing, what we'll need to use these skills for in the job description. 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:38.000 Brilliant. 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:57.000 Moving past the moving past the top description. There's interview prices, and there's a lot of different accessibility, things that can be put in place that are free, like sending the questions ahead of time, putting the questions in writing, adding close captioning to the Zoom call allow them for the interview itself, to 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:03.000 be like had through zoom, because some people are really stringent. 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:04.000 Oh! 00:11:04.000 --> 00:11:05.000 Want you to come in person and adding test based task based like assignments to the interview. 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:16.000 So it's not just you talking, but it's you actually showing what you can do, because a lot of times for me, I struggle to make eye contact. 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:23.000 I also fidget a lot during interviews. I'm also sometimes tripping off of my wires because of my anxiety or cause. 00:11:23.000 --> 00:11:34.000 I'm just really nervous all the time. So, being able to offset those by adding, in some competency based task, could really help the process go bit smoother. 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:47.000 And then comes the transition to the workplace, and a lot of times the training is difficult, has been difficult for me, because it was like given it a non-inclusive manner. 00:11:47.000 --> 00:12:10.000 So for my current job. How they tried me was I made me read like like 30 15 page documents that were unrelated to each other, with no context. 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:11.000 Hmm! 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:16.000 And what I wanted, and what I asked for was if the my supervisor, the person training me, could actually go through the task with me and give me honest spotback. And it was because I do work for a smaller organization, so people do have like a lot of things to get done. 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:23.000 It's not like people can cover for them. So there was this one task that was really important. 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:24.000 It was basically providing our resources to like our consumers. 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:36.000 And that was a really important part, because I was managing our online store and for one home months people weren't getting any of the orders they. 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:51.000 As for this was during autism, acceptance, month out of all months, and because we didn't know how to do this task if they weren't getting their orders all month, they weren't getting the resources. I requested, are needed. 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.000 So finally, my supervisor sat down with me, went through the task with me. 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:57.000 One on one. Give me feedback, and within 15 min I got it. 00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:11.000 I just understood it. It just became so much easier because she was able to go through it with me versus having me read these confusing documents. 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:12.000 Oh, I love it! 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:14.000 So having is really important. 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:16.000 Well, I love how you just walked us through that! And I were. 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:20.000 It's like. Wouldn't it be nice if we hadn't instructions for dating? 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:26.000 We're going to get there, I promise. I do want to say 2 things as 0 different folks. 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:30.000 I know for me. I'm very rejection sensitive. 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:33.000 And so, yeah, I see you're agreeing with that. 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:34.000 It's like when you talked about. Okay, we look up these job descriptions right? 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:42.000 And we have 5 out of like 7 things that we do. 00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:52.000 But it's those 2 things that it's like, okay, if we person that we're gonna get rejected, it's like, Nope, you know, whereas someone else, perhaps, who's not neuro different. 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:57.000 Might say, I'm going to go for it right? So I love that you brought that up. 00:13:57.000 --> 00:14:05.000 I also want to say one thing that I've noticed, and I my world is all about intimacy and relationships. 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:09.000 I mean, I'm a truly an intimacy. Experts. 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:16.000 And so I work with a lot of couples and mixed in same neurotype. 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:22.000 And what I talk a lot about is that how we define words is very different. 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:30.000 And so like you were saying, if you read something like competency the way you might define it might actually be really different for an employer. 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:39.000 And that's the same in relationship. Where, like the how, I define love, intimacy, connection might be very different from what it often is. 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:48.000 I mean, I've learned this from my partner of 12 years that the way that way we define words is just different. 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:55.000 So my language and the words I use in my autism play are different from his language, and what he uses. 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.000 So I just wanna say that because I think that's really important for our listeners to think about that. 00:14:57.000 --> 00:15:10.000 Words, matter, and as an aught part of the neuro, different culture, how I define and speak words are just different. 00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:18.000 So are you? Okay? If we transition, I start. I wanted to start out with maybe more of a safe topic of talking about. 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:29.000 Your expertise before I move into like a little more. I think you know, people tend to get a little bit squirmy and uncomfortable when I talk about dating or intimacy. 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:34.000 Even sex. And so let me just start with that question, what are your? 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:47.000 Wouldn't it be nice if there were instructions on dating? 00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:48.000 Yeah. 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:57.000 There was like a manual for dating. We knew what to say when to say it, how to say it the tone of voice we are supposed to use the dating is so dynamic with so many different moving factors, and so many, and that's not even like mentioning the factors, that like contribute to 00:15:57.000 --> 00:15:58.000 the other people like the factors. Other people are like thinking about us. 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:04.000 So there's so much that we have to consider about ourselves. 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:05.000 So much! 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:06.000 And so what about the other person? 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:12.000 So are you dating? 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.000 Okay. 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:17.000 Right now I'm trying. Today. It's really difficult, because kind of over the position I'm in. 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:25.000 I'm out of college. I'm in grad school now, so it's hard to find people like my age, and I'm not really sometimes going to social locations like going to bars are going to restaurants or going to like clubs. 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:37.000 Things are...
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Season 3 | Episode #4: Ben VanHook
05/16/2023
Season 3 | Episode #4: Ben VanHook
We are back with our FINAL, FABULOUS lineup of guests! Today, Candice is joined by master’s student Ben VanHook to discuss advocacy for policy reform that would make hiring processes and educational environments more inclusive for neurodivergent individuals. They also share personal stories about relationships, fantasize how lovely having a ‘dating instruction manual’ would be, and give tips such as sensory-friendly places to meet potential partners and friends!
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #3: Aly Dearborn
03/07/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #3: Aly Dearborn
WEBVTT 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:33.000 Hi, everybody. Season 3. Episode 3 and wow, what a week! It's been. Okay. 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:42.000 We have a full moon happening. It's an amethyst month. 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:49.000 The month of February. Just celebrated a birthday, and my schedules and routines are completely Jack. 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:53.000 This week. So I was just telling our guests today that I'm wearing my gym clothes but you know what we're here. 00:00:53.000 --> 00:01:06.000 I've got foggy brain. I'm forgetful there's all kinds of stuff in my space this week, because my schedules and routines are off, but that's really common for me as an autistic person. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:10.000 And so, Allie deerboard is with us, and she's become a friend, a colleague of mine. 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:17.000 We've had her on before, but I do want to brag about you, Allie, again. 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:25.000 You are going to be a regular just so, you know, there's on fabulous in Candace. 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:31.000 Alley is a fabulous human being and also an autistic human being. 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:43.000 A identifies as a female is a licensed psychotherapist, and has been in the field for about 15 years and has an expertise in the treatment of women with complex trauma, and addicted behavior. 00:01:43.000 --> 00:02:02.000 And I also want to add Ali women who are autistic because holy cow, you have so much research behind you around that Ali has also been a life on a lifelong quest to better understand herself and the discovery of her autism earlier this year which is catalized profound shifts 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:15.000 In her life and the direction of her professional practice. Learning more about the female presentation of autistic spectrum conditions and sharing this important information with others is her new area focused. 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:25.000 And yay, you are doing so much work, and I wanna say that, Allie, for folks who are part of the Itap community. 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:26.000 So it's the International Institute for Trauma, and addiction professionals. 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:29.000 Itap we are presenting in April, at the Itap. 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:56.000 Sympathium on love addicted or seeking safety, and how we can, you know, properly, assess and accurately treat autistic females who are in inpatient and outpatient settings for relationship and trauma issues so yay welcome to you allie 00:02:56.000 --> 00:03:19.000 Thank you. I'm so glad to be back, and just to be in this process of continuing to do my own research and figure out ways to get this information sentences and out to other clinicians and to the public. 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:20.000 Yeah. Hmm, hmm. 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:26.000 I think, especially around the sex, and love addiction and vulnerability to challenging relationships 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:30.000 Absolutely that I would say you and I have seen in our field. 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:33.000 The focus tends to be on autistic mills who are struggling with out of control sexual behavior. 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:39.000 But you. We have yet to see, and I've been now A. 00:03:39.000 --> 00:04:05.000 Csat for 10 years this year. Whoa! I have yet to see any presentation, training, conversation, discussion, consultation, group about females who are autistic, even Eightyhd, except for the fabulous Heather Putney, who will be on as well is starting to talk about it. 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:06.000 Yes. 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:07.000 Thank goodness you know, but we haven't seen it. We're not seeing it. 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:20.000 We're not seeing a discussion of it, which is really concerning, because there's so many women that are ending up in outpatient and inpatient programs being diagnosed as sex addicts. 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:29.000 Love addicts and borderline dependent personality, disorder, depressed, anxious, which those fit. 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:33.000 But the personality disorders don't. So here, back, so that we can talk about what we'll be presenting on. 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:40.000 But whatever comes up today comes up today, you know, you just have a wealth of knowledge. 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:54.000 And so maybe what we could do is start with just to kind of review, because sometimes people won't listen to previous podcasts or just gonna come across this one. 00:04:54.000 --> 00:05:00.000 You know what? Let's talk about the presentation. Maybe the similarities between autism and borderline. 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.000 You and I have looked at that in the dialogue manual. 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:06.000 Maybe we start there, does that feel okay? And just how that creates some confusion for folks? 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:16.000 And why, how close, clinicians tend to lean on borderline, instead of actually looking at the autism diagnosis. 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:19.000 Maybe we start there. 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:21.000 Okay, yeah, I think that would be a great place to dive in. 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:32.000 Although I don't have that research in front of me, so I have to say that it's like, Okay, right? 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:51.000 Like, let me be pulling this out of the brain file, you know, but I think one of the key factors in sort of that diagnostic consideration of borderline that shows up is the emotional disregulation. 00:05:51.000 --> 00:06:00.000 Absolutely. 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:01.000 Yup! 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:14.000 The kind of the you know, attempts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, diffuse identity, sort of structures where there's a bit of, you know, kind of like obvious, repetitive outward changes in presentation or appearance, right like kind of trying on different costumes almost 00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:17.000 Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah, yeah, intense relationships. 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:24.000 As known as no intense 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:32.000 Very intense intense, chaotic relationships that seem very addictive. 00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:33.000 Right? Yeah, and that 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:45.000 Right like that. Intensity like that. This is my special person, which then, from a borderline perspective, right is either being, you know, highly pedestalized and valued. 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:46.000 Yes, yeah, yes, I love you. I hate you. 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:53.000 And subsequently valued. Yes, right right 00:06:53.000 --> 00:07:05.000 Right. So for you and I, being autistic as well as clinicians and truly experts in this arena. What's fascinating about what you just said is, I'm hearing autism all over the place 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:35.000 Yes, same right. And now that I know about autism because I can frame my own life experience and then match it with all of the literature. 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:37.000 It is new. 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:43.000 And you know what exists, you know, but kind of putting together all of these pieces that really haven't yet been put together in any real form, because research specific to the female autistic population is pretty damn new like, like, you know, and especially if you're kind of going in the more even narrow focus of 00:07:43.000 --> 00:08:04.000 The you know the sexual and relational experiences of autistic females, because one of the bigger, you know, gender for sex differences that emerges is that girls, you know, assigned female at birth like girls do tend to have more desire for interest in social relationships and 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:05.000 Reciprocity than cisgender autistic males. 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:17.000 And so out of the gate. There's more social desire, but not necessarily the internal hardware to make sense of what's going on as social dynamics get increasingly complex. 00:08:17.000 --> 00:08:47.000 And so even the emergence of autistic trait showing up more in adolescents for girls, whereas for boys they might be more off, you know more observed earlier in childhood. 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:50.000 Yeah. 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:56.000 You know. But then you get this like, you know, teenage girls going to treatment centers and getting diagnosed as borderline, which isn't even an appropriate clinical diagnosis for someone under the age of 18 right? 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:57.000 Yes. 00:08:57.000 --> 00:09:05.000 And getting that is like, you know, something's wrong with you when really it's their autism showing up and not knowing how to explain. 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:06.000 Yeah. 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:07.000 And the dysregulation that occurs, and I can't tell you so I might get enraged, or I might quiet, you know, flee, and run away, and my relationships have. 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.000 Yes, yes. 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:17.000 You burned bridges all over the place, but it's not because I'm being manipulative. 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:18.000 Hmm. 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:19.000 It's not because I'm you know, like intentionally trying to get someone to react a certain way. 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:25.000 It's like that. I am an other confusion about what the hell 00:09:25.000 --> 00:09:45.000 Yeah, yeah. You just said that beautifully. Yeah. And so what happens is clinicians are not educated enough in these treatment centers to know what to look for with female teens and adult females. 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:57.000 And so they literally just go to a diagnosis of borderline. 00:09:57.000 --> 00:09:58.000 Right. 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:04.000 You know, and then and then other diagnoses, dependent personality, disorder, right and I think where they, you know, when we see the diagnosis of depression and anxiety. K. 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:05.000 That is accurate. We see co-occurring diagnoses of those 2 with autism. 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:13.000 We see a co-occurrence with Adhd as well. 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:14.000 Yeah. 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:20.000 But again, because so much research has been done on autistic boys. 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:26.000 You're right. It's very new. And so you and I have literally, I mean you really to give you credit. 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:37.000 Have taken a deep dive in the ocean of research that does exist to really start to sift through. 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:41.000 The the research that is out there for autistic females. 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:46.000 And let me just ask you this as you are sifting through the research. 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.000 Do you feel like the focus is deficit based still? 00:10:50.000 --> 00:11:01.000 Or is the language starting to change where it's more like supportive and diversity based around autistic females 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:05.000 I mean 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:06.000 Okay. 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:07.000 There's both. I think, that just given the language of the Dsm. 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:14.000 Which does say depicits in social reciprocity, deficits in, you know, or whatever right? 00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:16.000 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:20.000 So because of that like that, language is included, and also many of the testing instruments right? 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:31.000 But a bit like the kind of gold standard assessment, like the ados, or whatever right it's also been norm. 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:38.000 Their around the deficit based language, and the primarily, as this gender male. 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:39.000 Yes, yes. 00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:43.000 You know, population. So the more so there is a shift like in the literature. 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:58.000 That's more looking at the kind of what the female autistic phenotype, you know, or more of a, you know, kind of a gender nonconforming 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:11.000 Presentation more and more of that clinical research and information is in integrating, like intersectionality and social disability, justice. 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:12.000 Good. 00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:13.000 And you know, really kind of putting a different spin. 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:27.000 And I think one of the things that's to me the most striking about what I'm finding specific to some of the relational difficulties. 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:28.000 Good for us. Is csats right? And sort of prominent professionals kind of have. 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:40.000 You know, we're absolutely seeing in our offices, and then for me trying to continue to make sense of my own. 00:12:40.000 --> 00:12:43.000 Yeah. 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:44.000 Hmm. 00:12:44.000 --> 00:13:03.000 Life, history, right? Like there's so much that I'm learning about where they're real limitations to traditional sex education or rate prevention education, which is my background. 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:33.000 And I think so for me. What's most like the reason I'm on such a deep dive like this is actually like the most invested in any sort of research project I've been since the I was working with the repeatment center at Ucla and did a deep Dive as part 00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:38.000 Yeah. 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.000 of that work in looking at the incidents of sexual harassment, peer sexual harassment in middle school students, and how that transition and age, from elementary to middle school is so the the kids are so vulnerable, and that's across the board but then when you start to 00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:44.000 narrow in, and look at the the kids that are maybe not even diagnosed, but perceived as different from their neurotypically developing peers right? 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:48.000 Like are, you know, like the rates of victimization? 00:13:48.000 --> 00:14:02.000 Are, you know, really astounding, like even comparative, to how astounding to me they already are 00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:07.000 Yeah, yeah, well, I think what you're saying is so prevalent and it's pertinent to what we're talking about. 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:15.000 Because if we look at so again, here you have female teens who come into a treatment center or female autistic teams. 00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:26.000 K undiagnosed, coming in, or same with females who are adults coming in and based on current presentation. 00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:39.000 We've literally you and I both know these big name inpatient treatment centers that don't actually contact the primary clinician to get a history. 00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:47.000 So they go off. Current presentation, which, as we said in the beginning, looks like borderline. 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:54.000 So many of these clinicians who don't know that autism has a similar presentation. 00:14:54.000 --> 00:15:17.000 But if you start to ask questions, about history, like you're talking about in childhood, and you know, with friendships and socially and sensory issues, sensory processing issues and issues, with being bullied and being vulnerable with communication and not understanding, people's intentions and you start to see 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:21.000 A pattern repetitive behavior. There's another one, right? 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:22.000 Yes. 00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:25.000 Right getting anxious if schedules and routines are off. 00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:45.000 As I spoke about, and so if you, if clinicians were to take some time and do a proper assessment, which is what you and I are in the process of creating like a screening assessment, they would see we're not talking about a personality, disorder, we're talking about a 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:56.000 Neuro developmental condition. Right? So I I just know that, especially in our community with the Csats, a lot of folks are gonna want us to talk about what? 00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:07.000 What are autistic traits that we're we're looking for in women who come into these treatment centers. 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:10.000 So maybe we talk about that, you know. What do you look for you? 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:11.000 And I said it, but maybe we say it again. What do you what to look for? What do you look for? 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:19.000 You've got a woman who's coming in. She's describing feeling like a love addict. 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:26.000 She's describing having, you know, just these really intense relationships. 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.000 Then then where do they go? Right? Where does the clinician go? 00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:33.000 Because immediately the clinicians gonna be like, Oh, borderline! 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:41.000 Instead of asking, what right? 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:42.000 Yeah. 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:53.000 Right, you know, or just, you know, like, you know, kind of attachment, injury, which also be true. 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:54.000 Yup! 00:16:54.000 --> 00:17:11.000 Right like considering the likely amounts of sort of feeling different, that the person's already internalized right like for me, one of the things that's been really interesting to look at here is just even in terms of 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:12.000 Yup! 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:30.000 Expanding this idea of love addict, which kind of ends up being sort of transferred on to whoever the romantic partner is right, but not, you know. 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:31.000 Same here. 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:41.000 But did this intense, special person? Is that a framework through which all previous relationships have also been kind of couched right like for me, I always had one best friend, and really struggled like this came up which was fine until high school and then it got more complicated, and and then certainly in college I remember being really just 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:49.000 Didn't know what to make of my best friend, having other friends, that she did things with, and didn't invite me like. 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:52.000 Yeah. Yes. 00:17:52.000 --> 00:18:00.000 And really like, you know, and I wasn't a love addicted to her. 00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:01.000 Yeah. 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:08.000 But really thrown into confusion, because, you know, I think one of the things that really is striking me like is where the like. 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:28.000 The not knowing the levels of relationship. Right? Like all way, you know, like crossing an oversharer, you know, you know, and, like, you know, let you know that there's levels of intimacy, and like the way all of my relationships formed which was oh, you like me, too, we're together and 00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:29.000 Same here, same same here. 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:37.000 Like almost immediate merger, no assessment process at all about anything other than there. 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:38.000 Yeah. 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:42.000 You like me, too, or sometimes not even you like me too. 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:55.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:56.000 Yeah. 00:18:56.000 --> 00:19:03.000 It's just you like me and gonna be like up into desire for me that I didn't know or have any social communication skills or a script to do any kind of you know, rejection right? 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:07.000 Yeah. 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:08.000 Oh, my, gosh, you too. Okay, yeah, yeah. 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:12.000 Like I would give my phone number and then avoid calls, because, even, yeah, you know, like, back when we get phone numbers right you know, I wouldn't even think till I give the wrong number. 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:23.000 You know, it's like, you know, just there's such a there's such a naativity. 00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:35.000 Oh, yeah. 00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:36.000 Yes. 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:43.000 That is, that remains across time right like the level of naiveness that don't say in the lecture right that I had around, you know, kind of safety parameters for myself, peers of all genders,...
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Season 3 | Episode #3: Aly Dearborn
03/07/2023
Season 3 | Episode #3: Aly Dearborn
CONTENT WARNING: child sexual abuse, sexual assault, intimate partner violence Aly Dearborn is back to help break down the similarities between Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder as it relates to confusion among clinicians and the too-often misdiagnosis of Autistic females. This professional take is sprinkled with personal examples of how this gap in knowledge has impacted Candice and Aly throughout their lives. They also give a sneak peek into the content of their upcoming presentation for the ! References: 1) Cazalis, et al - Evidence that 9 of 10 Autistic Females Victims of Sexual Violence. Front. Behav. Neurosci., 26 April 2022; Sec. Pathological Conditions, Volume 16 - 2022 | 2) Bargiela, S., Steward, R., and Mandy, W. The experiences of late-diagnosed women with autism spectrum conditions: an investigation of the female autism phenotype. J. Autism Dev. Disord. 2016; 46, 3281–3294. doi: 10.1007/s10803-016-2872-8 3) Fusar-Poli, L., Brondino, N., Politi, P. et al. Missed diagnoses and misdiagnoses of adults with autism spectrum disorder. Eur Arch Psychiatry Clin Neurosci 2022.; 272, 187–198 ; 4) Pecora LA, Hancock GI, Mesibov GB, Stokes MA. Characterising the Sexuality and Sexual Experiences of Autistic Females. J Autism Dev Disord. 2019 5) Pecora LA, Hooley M, Sperry L, Mesibov GB, Stokes MA. Sexuality and Gender Issues in Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Child Adolesc Psychiatr Clin N Am. 2020 Jul;29(3):543-556. doi: 10.1016/j.chc.2020.02.007. Epub 2020 Apr 3. PMID: 32471601.
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Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #2: Jennie Meadows
02/21/2023
Closed Captions for Season 3 | Episode #2: Jennie Meadows
WEBVTT 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:44.000 Hi! Everybody! Welcome to fabulously Candace! We're on season 3 apple 2, and I have the most fabulous woman here with me today. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:48.000 Hi! Alright lovely to meet you 00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:49.000 Okay. 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:52.000 This is Jenny Meadows. Hi, Jenny, yeah, it's lovely to meet you, and you just look just so beautiful with your background and your jewelry and everything. 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.000 Oh, thank you! 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:59.000 So I'm so excited to talk with you today. Let me brag about you first. 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:07.000 Oh, Jenny is an a neuro different individual who's been through the whole neurotypical spectrum of dating. 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:17.000 So dating. Marriage, procreation, divorce, post, divorce, dating before your self realization of who and what you are. 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:29.000 Yeah. And so today, we're going to be talking about what it's like to be in your fifties and neurotic and dating 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:38.000 It's a minefield 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:39.000 Hmm. 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:43.000 Had some. I love that so welcome, Jenny. I absolutely love that you reached out to me because I we were just saying we're both aquarium. 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:46.000 So we've got our amethyst birthstones. 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:49.000 My birthday is Tuesday. Your birthday is Wednesday, so we've got some connection already. 00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:51.000 Alright. Yeah. 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:55.000 All these 49, and you'll be 53, or 50. 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:56.000 53, 00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:03.000 Look at you go. Yeah. So let's start. Were you adult? 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:07.000 Diagnosed or late diagnosed. And is it audistic? Tell me what your diagnosis was or 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:13.000 Oh, interesting, I'm in a very interesting position. So I was actually diagnosed. 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:22.000 Adhd. Private back in 2,021, after I had a diagnosis of just back here back in 2019. 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:29.000 So actually, I studied a masters in photography. So I'm a photographer. 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:38.000 Wow! 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:39.000 Yeah. 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:45.000 And part of the kind of screening process. When you go into, you need I do the configuration screening, but it actually came up diagnosed just back here, and then I had in the report cause I do. 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:56.000 That that's my Co. Educational report, that showing strong symptoms of both Adhd and autism. 00:02:56.000 --> 00:03:04.000 But the assessment could not actually diagnosed me because she wasn't qualified to diagnose. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:05.000 Wow! 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:07.000 So I was like, but that's how it works in the Uk. 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:10.000 I don't know how it works in America or elsewhere. 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:24.000 We have to be qualified in order to make the diagnosis, and you know the autism diagnosis you have to have that 2 psychiatrists, I believe, and then I should know, because I've actually up today I've just known I've cost my level to 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:26.000 Understand the autism calls. I thank you. Thank you. 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:29.000 Wow! Congratulations! 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:34.000 But then I'm still off in a tangent 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:44.000 Like came up in that report but that kind of held out held out and I was getting quite a lot of support, because in England there's a thing of the same student allowance. 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.000 Okay. 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:51.000 So, if you have certain, you know difficulties with studying, so you get to report to you, especially as counselor. 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:58.000 All this sort of stuff, and I kind of held out to 2021, and then I was doing it part times. 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:03.000 I had like 3 modules coming in together, and I just I need help. 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:14.000 Sorry the Adhd diagnosis got the diagnosis. 00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:15.000 Hmm. 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:16.000 Was described Elvant, which I didn't agree with, had a really bad time on it, and, in fact, there's a lovely I take it you're familiar with Leon. 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:19.000 My school. 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:20.000 No same same work. 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:27.000 Oh, yeah, okay. So she had a very similar experience. I need to talk about her later on. 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:29.000 Say her name again. Maybe I am 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:31.000 Leon, my school, the one that's done the Eightys of Adhd. 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.000 Okay. Yes. Her. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes, from Linkedin. Yes. 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:34.000 Yup, that she's great 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:43.000 Yes, yes, yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm all right. 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:51.000 Per experience of being privately diagnosed. Given lots of drugs, I mean, I lost, I mean, I didn't put on wakes. 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:52.000 Wow! 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:54.000 I was with somebody, but I actually lost 15 helos because of the reactions for medication. 00:04:54.000 --> 00:05:11.000 And then I kind of hopefully and announced, luckily I then got together with my adult Adhd support group called past mine, and they help me with the right to choose options. 00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:12.000 Yeah. 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:18.000 I thought I need to get this thought it because, going privately is what I run out funds to actually continue the titration. 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:24.000 So I've waited for October 21 to twenty-fourth of August. 00:05:24.000 --> 00:05:36.000 First one through the Nhs went through that process, and unfortunately, then, the diagnosis was I wasn't affected enough by Adhd. 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:44.000 Wow! 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:45.000 Oh, my goodness! 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:52.000 But this is okay. I'm not gonna go into too much detail, because I'm having to make a the professor. 00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:53.000 Hmm. 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:58.000 Let's just say that she should not be doing that particular role because a fellow member of my group, Pat had a very similar experience with this individual. 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:06.000 Hmm. 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:07.000 Wow! 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:08.000 So actually, yeah, that's by the by. So now, I'm kind of stuck with the Adhd. 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:11.000 But without the help 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:12.000 Yeah. 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:13.000 And it's really, it's really bad. At the moment in the Uk. 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.000 And that response 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:18.000 Yeah, Jenny, what a process! What a process! 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:33.000 By that. Yeah, I did actually go alright. And then in 25 that I discovered autism in spurges back in 2,011. 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:34.000 Hmm. 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.000 So that the work of is it, Rudy Smart? 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:37.000 Hmm. 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:43.000 She was very much prevalent around about 2011, and wrote a lot of that with Virgin. 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:48.000 She wasn't actually like a dimension, but he wrote a lot about having 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:52.000 Yeah, she knew a lot. Right? Yeah. 00:06:52.000 --> 00:07:00.000 And then I had a bit of a breakdown in 2,014, which actually realize now is due to the by fund diagnosed. 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:06.000 Adhd autism plus menopause 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:07.000 Exactly. 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:08.000 Yeah, which no one talks about. By the way, no one talks about the effects of menopause 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:19.000 And especially if you are Adhd, because it's very much controlled by hormones as well. 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:20.000 Wow! Wow! 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:25.000 So I went through the autistic diagnostic process in 2,015, and I wasn't deemed then affected enough by, because then I wasn't aware of Adhd. And as you know, if you have both how they can hmm was kind of for each other out 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:37.000 Not. Wow, yeah, they do. They? They just contradict each other. 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:40.000 And then it's like, and they can actually work together. 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:41.000 Yes. 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:43.000 If you get the right, and you've got the right support. 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:44.000 Yes. 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:46.000 But then they quite together as well 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:58.000 Well, and let's add, in the piece of being female, I really believe that those of us that are that identify as female, you know, especially we. 00:07:58.000 --> 00:07:59.000 Yeah. 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:03.000 We learned a mask right? And so it is harder and that's why we have so many. 00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:11.000 I really think we're doing a lot of. We're seeing a lot more self diagnosis because of what you're just describing where these assessors are qualified. 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:15.000 They're not. They're not aware of what it looks like, you know. 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:21.000 It doesn't look a certain way. First and foremost, and our traits are very different. 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:25.000 What by the time we become adults, because we've been masking. 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:36.000 And so I, I, yeah, I mean, I just think I have so much compassion for you, for what you've gone through, because this is the story of so many adults that I hear from it's just this long process. 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:37.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:46.000 And then how you said you're told by someone else that you're not affected enough, which is so offensive 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:49.000 It's like, I just wanna grab them by the neck. 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:50.000 And go. Okay. You have no idea what I've been through. 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:58.000 Yes. No. Idea. Yeah. 00:08:58.000 --> 00:08:59.000 Yes, yes, yes. 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:05.000 I also the other issue is, if you look a certain way, your blonde head, your blue eye, it's like you all you kind of go under the radar. 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:06.000 Yes. 00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:12.000 But then there's that now the events of jobs that I go because I've looked so like I used to work in pr marketing. 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:17.000 Yup! 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:18.000 Yeah. 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:21.000 Sorry to present really well in an instant, and I'd be it's a bit like, actually, this will be like dating. 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:22.000 Yes, which I'm excited to talk about. You are. Yeah. 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:33.000 And then it's called, and then you're kind of little quirks. 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:40.000 Yeah. 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.000 Hmm. 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:42.000 Come out, and they kind of like oh, don't like this, and it's like you're not the person they interviewed when and it's almost like dating as well when you know, guys like kind of chatting you off in the bar. 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:54.000 And it's like one of the other things I find I'm really really bad at understanding the subtle. 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:55.000 Yeah. 00:09:55.000 --> 00:10:01.000 You know the the the uploading? I don't remember each like a quite a few times, but actually I I pulled 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:10.000 Well, let's talk about that because I you're on to something here, and it's a beautiful, beautiful segue into dating. 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:29.000 You know the work environment. Again, we do mass quite well. I work for myself, for a reason, and I I, when I finally came out now it's 5 years after diagnosis where I came out to my staff because I was really struggling with my staff in terms of emotional dysregulation and I was 00:10:29.000 --> 00:10:30.000 Oh! 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:31.000 having meltdowns, and really just struggling with overwhelming, and not, you know, anyway. 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:44.000 So when I was able to get the diagnosis, and then talk to my staff, there was a lot of compassion, and then I surrounded myself with people that are very trustworthy. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:59.000 But also that saw my strengths, but also saw my soft spots and said, Okay, I'll step in where you have soft spots to gotta help you and make those a accommodations which I appreciate one be my husband. 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:10.000 Thank goodness! But when we were dating it was similar, so you know, we're very attracted to each other and first date, you know, a couple of glasses of wine. 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:16.000 Things are going well, you know, as an autistic female, I love to take a deep dive into conversation. 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:17.000 Yep. Yep. 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:21.000 I'm not about superficial. Yeah? And and he actually really liked that. 00:11:21.000 --> 00:11:28.000 He was really attracted to that because he hadn't been with other women, that I also was very loyal I had. 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:32.000 I mean, it's just like all the things right. My autism shining through. 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:38.000 But then, as we started dating and got more serious, I would have more meltdowns because of the environment. 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:39.000 And then it was like, what's happening. Who's this person? 00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:49.000 And so I'm curious about that. Let's talk about that in terms of post-divor getting back in the dating scene. 00:11:49.000 --> 00:12:02.000 How will were you when you got divorced? If that's okay, that I 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.000 Okay. 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:05.000 Okay. 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.000 Alright! My husband! Now we got together in 2,000. We've been married in 2,003, have my daughter 2,005 separated 2,014, and then oh, post! 00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:18.000 And it was kind of difficult or not difficult so you know, a few guys like socially. 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:26.000 And then what was quite oh, I had a big period where I just didn't say anybody, and that was in. 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:27.000 Like, took a break 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:36.000 But yeah, but it was in early twenty-fifty. 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:37.000 Hmm. 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:44.000 That's when I had a you know I lost yes, or another job, and also had a healthcare, and so I was dealing with that things. 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:50.000 Wow! Hmm! 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:51.000 Wow! 00:12:51.000 --> 00:13:02.000 I found a lump of my breast in. Is that the 2,014 I'm this was just before Christmas, and then I had. 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:03.000 Wow! 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:04.000 It as if you're familiar with Eastenders is a lot of real but I had my scan on the morning of Christmas Eve, and they weren't able to take to check it properly. 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:10.000 Because I didn't have the stuff at that time. So I had to wait through Chris. 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:11.000 Hmm. 00:13:11.000 --> 00:13:14.000 Luckily it was just a safe. Oh, that was okay. 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:17.000 But it was just that time thank God, I'm a single mom. 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:18.000 Yeah. 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:25.000 And then I found out I lost my job because I didn't make the question period. 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:26.000 Yeah. 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:27.000 Beginning in 2,015. It just when everything just went flat. 00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:35.000 But then actually, I kind of got back and on my feet and realized that actually, this is probably happening for a good reason. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.000 But then I said the best. It was like 3 months with clearing the garden. 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:41.000 Yeah. Yeah. Great way to look at it. 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:50.000 Exactly. But then, actually, I interestingly, I reconnected with a an individual that I went to union with. 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:51.000 Hmm. 00:13:51.000 --> 00:14:00.000 I in between 96 and 99, which is an interesting thing 00:14:00.000 --> 00:14:05.000 I kind of it was 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:10.000 Yes. One of those an individual that we just got each other. 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:14.000 But for various reasons it hasn't. They didn't work out. 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:24.000 But then I kind of get my toe into like the the online dacing 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:25.000 And that was 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:26.000 What's what's that? A whole other world 00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:34.000 That was because then I kind of realized 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:35.000 Hmm. 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:40.000 How many kind of shops there were out there, and you have to be, as you know, being abandonment issues. 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:47.000 And feeling of affection, and the dopamine, or all this and those those apps are designed for. 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:53.000 You know. Then, like Adhd, hey, does it work? 00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:54.000 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:58.000 Okay, yeah, so I kind of went on a few date. 00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:02.000 But nothing really stuck, and then 27 team, does it? 00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:16.000 Yeah, the few. But it just Germany is like, you know, you chat to someone. 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:17.000 Yeah, yeah. 00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:18.000 You kind of filter out the ones who send the inappropriate images. 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:30.000 But then, actually, what was quite interesting, but then met my long term. 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:31.000 Oh! 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:42.000 X. But it was actually through work. So I was working for the agency that did holidays like photography, and we were looking for photographers. 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:49.000 So his details came up, and we so I thought, oh, I know you could be potential for this agency. 00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:55.000 And how we got tracking, and then was quite interesting. 00:15:55.000 --> 00:16:01.000 My site. Linkup arranged London to Brighton bike bride 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:04.000 Hmm! That's fun! 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:15.000 And then you know how to really good fun. Bye, put it on Instagram, and then you thought, oh, you're in Brighton. 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:20.000 Bye, bye, let's meet for drink. 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:23.000 So we might as let me invite gear, or Swissy 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:31.000 The perfect dating gear. 00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:38.000 Yeah. 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:39.000 Yes. 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:44.000 I'll tell you how my ex husband, anyway, and then we told that we checked it, and it was that kind of you know, when you like, start talking to someone, and because he he's Italian, he's a I would call him a bit of a Marconi. 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:45.000 Hmm. 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:51.000 If that makes sense and I it definitely on the spectrum. 00:16:51.000 --> 00:17:00.000 And definitely Adhd like when he was talking, said, Oh, you know I'm not bipolar and Pennsylvania, because I've got all these like voices in my 00:17:00.000 --> 00:17:05.000 So same. So he's also neuro. Different. Right? Is that what you're saying? 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:11.000 Correct. 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:12.000 Yeah, sure. 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:13.000 So there was a connection. So let's let's pause, because you're saying you've said so many things that are really want to hone in on for those of us that are females. 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:32.000 First of all, the the we know that like you said, loss of employment, something that happens for a lot of autistic individuals. 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:33.000 Hmm. 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:34.000 Then a lot of people don't talk about parenting or single just the...
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Season 3 | Episode #2: Jennie Meadows
02/21/2023
Season 3 | Episode #2: Jennie Meadows
Jennie Meadows is a neurodiverse photographer and visual artist who has experienced the full spectrum of romantic relationships! She shares what she learned through marriage, procreation, divorce, and the “minefield” of post-divorce dating in her fifties… all prior to asking the question: “Who am I?” Candice and Jennie dive deep into online dating, menopause, synesthesia, hyperawareness in the bedroom, and how to curate a more sensuous sexual experience. ! Connect with Jennie: IG: @jenniemeadows
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Season 3 | Episode #1: Chris Kishiyama
02/07/2023
Season 3 | Episode #1: Chris Kishiyama
Welcome back to Fabulously Candice: The Sexiest Podcast About Neurodivergence! Candice kicks off Season 3 welcoming back none other than her fabulous husband and Chief Mindfulness Officer of Namaste Center for Healing, Chris Kishiyama. They update the global audience on their individual lives, how their relationship has recently evolved, and what’s on the horizon for . Want closed captioning or a visual for this episode? !
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Season 2 | Episode #22: Paul & Ronnie
12/27/2022
Season 2 | Episode #22: Paul & Ronnie
Paul and Ronnie are a mixed neurotype couple who have been together for the past 10+ years. With Paul being Autistic and Ronnie bilingual, they share how they learned to communicate more effectively, meet in the middle, and resolve conflict. They also chat about social scripts, the double empathy problem, and how to make time for sexual intimacy with two young children at home. Have a fabulous New Year and we will return in 2023 for Season 3!
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Season 2 | Episode #21: Aly Dearborn
12/20/2022
Season 2 | Episode #21: Aly Dearborn
Aly Dearborn is an Autistic feminist and psychotherapist with expertise in the treatment of women with complex trauma and addictive behavior. She joins Candice to break down the female presentation of autistic spectrum conditions, how stereotypes often lead to misdiagnoses, and what clinicians need to know to help combat the pathologizing of Autistic females. You do not want to miss this fabulous episode! Click to visit Aly’s website.
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Season 2 | Episode #20: Michael John Carley
12/13/2022
Season 2 | Episode #20: Michael John Carley
Michael John Carley is an Autistic author, speaker, and former Executive Director. In this episode, he and Candice explore the inspiration behind his most recent book, ‘The Book of Happy, Positive, and Confident Sex for Adults on the Autism Spectrum…and Beyond’. His sex-positive approach focuses on healthy sexuality and advocates pleasure for all! Click to read Michael John's full bio.
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Season 2 | Episode #19: Albert Jersey
11/29/2022
Season 2 | Episode #19: Albert Jersey
Albert Jersey was diagnosed with autism at age three and now, at 30 years old, describes himself as an autistic self-advocate. He shares with us his journey towards self acceptance and hopes his message can encourage listeners to be more kind, authentic, vulnerable, and honest. He and Candice also talk relationships, boundaries, and compare their experiences of being diagnosed with autism early versus later in life. Connect with Albert:
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Season 2 | Episode #18: James Murphy
11/22/2022
Season 2 | Episode #18: James Murphy
Today Candice talks with James Murphy, sustainability enthusiast and founder of . James tried out a plethora of jobs before a clarifying ADHD diagnosis last year. In this episode, he and Candice cover conflict-seeking behavior, rejection sensitive dysphoria, relationship struggles through the COVID-19 lockdown, personal routines, and more!
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Season 2 | Episode #17: Dr. Samantha Hiew
11/01/2022
Season 2 | Episode #17: Dr. Samantha Hiew
Candice welcomes to the podcast Dr. Samantha Hiew! Following her ADHD diagnosis at age 40, as well as identifying as autistic, Sam founded to empower girls and women with ADHD to thrive in society. Listen as they dispel stereotypes about neurodiverse women, share their experiences with cooccurring diagnoses, and prove that there truly is ‘diversity within neurodiversity’.
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Season 2 | Episode #16: Amanda Hebert Hughes
10/04/2022
Season 2 | Episode #16: Amanda Hebert Hughes
In this episode Candice is joined by Amanda Hebert Hughes, an Autistic painter, author, and founder of . After discovering her autism in adulthood, Amanda was inspired to create art that strategically removes sensory overload and, as a result, has a calming effect on its viewers. She and Candice discuss this “visual form of autistic bluntness”, as well as their experiences as females with autism in mixed-neurotype marriages. Enjoy!
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Season 2 | Episode #15: Raquel Borras
09/20/2022
Season 2 | Episode #15: Raquel Borras
Raquel Borras is the founder of (of XXO Connect) and creator of , her fabulous YouTube channel that hosts candid conversations with youth guests. Raquel’s inspiration for amplifying youth voices stems from her own experiences with depression and OCD early in life. In this episode, she and Candice discuss mental health trials, their takes on the concept of ‘toxic positivity’, parenting, and how Raquel ultimately got better at not sweating the small stuff.
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Season 2 | Episode #14: Quinn Dexter
08/23/2022
Season 2 | Episode #14: Quinn Dexter
Today Candice is joined by the incredible Quinn Dexter. Quinn was diagnosed with autism in the early 1980’s, preceding its inclusion in the DSM and ICD. He shares with us his rare perspective as someone who intimately witnessed autism gain public awareness and understanding over the past three decades. Today, Quinn is the chief creator of and has been happily married for 14 years. You don't want to miss this fabulous episode full of history, lived experience, and unique insights on intimacy.
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Season 2 | Episode #13: Ric Clark
08/16/2022
Season 2 | Episode #13: Ric Clark
Ric Clark is a data modeller and self-employed video producer from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK. As a neurodiversity advocate, he is also an ambassador for and a founding member of ! On this episode, Candice and Ric dive promptly into deep conversation about intimacy, including the hurdles and surprises that Ric overcame throughout life as a person with autism, ADHD, and dyspraxia. They also cover arduous small talk, being a multipotentialite, sexual sensory profiles, and all things sexy!
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Season 2 | Episode #12: Dr. Lulu
08/09/2022
Season 2 | Episode #12: Dr. Lulu
Join Candice in an inspirational discussion with Dr. Lulu a.k.a. “the Momatrician”! Dr. Lulu is a retired pediatrician, author, LGBTQ+ parent coach, and mom of a nonbinary young adult. She shares with us her passion for youth suicide prevention, LGBTQ+ advocacy, and how parents can be a #parentally to their queer children. To learn more, visit and check out her Facebook neighborhood: “”.
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Season 2 | Episode #11: Melly Moore
08/02/2022
Season 2 | Episode #11: Melly Moore
Melly Moore is an ADHD advocate and host of , a weekly show focusing on mental health awareness and tips for living and working with ADHD. Candice and Melly discuss the struggles Melly experienced as a child as it relates to her ADHD diagnosis, as well as how she is navigating the dating world as an adult!
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Season 2 | Episode #10: Bex & Nell
06/28/2022
Season 2 | Episode #10: Bex & Nell
Bex and Nell are a mixed-neurotype couple who experienced something resemblant to love at first sight when they met eyes at a convention in 2018. In this episode, they and Candice explore their electric connection as the relationship evolved, including an Autism diagnosis down the road. Melt into an intimate conversation which includes the concept of setting “agreements” for arguments, how direct communication (in and outside of the bedroom) can be not only useful but freeing, and so much more.
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