Scarlett Lewis: How to Choose Love After Tragedy – Part 1

How is it possible to heal after experiencing unimaginable horror, such as the loss of a child? Today’s guest, Scarlett Lewis, experienced profound tragedy when her 6-year-old son, Jesse Lewis, was killed during the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting massacre in December of 2012. The first few days were so incredibly painful, she didn’t know if she could survive. She did not know if she could ever heal from that level of a broken heart. She shares the story of meeting with another woman who lost her child during a different event, and how angry this parent was 20 years later. She made a choice that she needed to model a different way of being for her older son, J.T.

Scarlett talks about how pain is an incredible catalyst for growth. She did not want Jesse’s murder to define her. She found an opportunity of connection through pain. As difficult as it was, she learned to choose love and healing.

Two weeks after the tragedy, it was Christmas. Scarlett decided to take her son JT to Disney World for a healing trip. She talks about numerous miraculous messages she received which she believed were from Jesse. There she experienced miracles and micro-moments of joy.

Scarlett suggests practicing being present with the ones you love and the importance of recognizing that time. She found a message that Jesse wrote on the chalkboard at home shortly before his murder. The words were “Nurturing, Healing, Love.” She determined that she would spend her life being part of this message and being part of the solution. She believes we are all responsible for what is going on in society. We must realize that we have to be the change that we want to see. Once you make that determination, you realize you are no longer the victim and can be motivated. There’s so much we can do. With every step, you gain self-worth and self-esteem, and it makes you want to do more.  

We are not born with essential life skills. We must learn them. There is so much bullying in today’s society by children and adults, especially on social media. We don’t have the skills to manage our anger and pain. She decided to create a healing movement and her program “Choose Love” is now in more than 14,000 schools worldwide.

She talks about how pain has a purpose in our lives, yet somehow, we are so afraid of it, we ignore it or push it away. People are living in a state of perpetual PTSD. People can be so negative because of this.

Scarlett talks about the concept of PTG or Post-Traumatic Growth. We can grow through difficulty and her organization teaches how to do this through a powerful formula. When a child experiences difficulty, they can learn through it. They can become curious and can learn to choose love over fear.

Scarlett has also interviewed other school shooters.  She is trying to understand their mindsets to find out what is needed. Even though their actions were monstrous, Scarlett recognizes that they are actually human beings in pain. She wanted to ask them the very tough question of “How did we, as a society, fail you?” as she knows they were not born as a murderer. They have so much pain, and so little social and emotional competence, that they had to take it out on others. She is trying to understand what we could do to prevent this, and part of it is a matter of belonging. Everyone wants to be seen.

Through her “Choose Love” organization, Scarlett took the tragedy and turned it into an opportunity to build a culture of love, resilience, and forgiveness. She is the author of several books including, “Nurturing, Healing, Love” and “From Sandy Hook to the World: How the Choose Love Movement Transforms Lives.” This is Part 1 of the interview.  Info: ChooseLoveMovement.org.