Linda Bloom: How to Thrive in Your Relationship – Part 1

Do you often fight with your partner? Do you find it hard to speak your truth in relationships? Today’s guest is author and relationship expert Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W., who is a psychotherapist and marriage counselor. Linda talks about how there’s an “art” to fighting. Even in the greatest, happiest relationships, conflict can arise. Most challenges and problems can be worked out. If we are vulnerable, we see that underneath the anger and resentment, there’s usually disconnection and fear. We can feel misunderstood and lonely but if we open up and express our vulnerability, it invites connection.

Linda discusses how to set boundaries and take responsibility for our feelings. She talks about how opposites can attract as each brings different traits to the table.  We all have golden light, but dark shadows as well. We can learn from each other and embrace one another’s strengths. She also talks about how people search for the “perfect partner.” This can actually be a way to protect oneself, as no one is perfect, but we can look at the good in others. We can practice our skills, and even if relationships don’t last, we can still move forward by taking a risk on someone and looking for kindness.

Sometimes people absolutely won’t agree on certain important aspects. Perhaps there are fights involving one who spends money and one who saves money. If you listen to each other patiently, and with curiosity and wonder, much can be learned and resolved. It’s a matter of finding common ground. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

Addictions may be a dealbreaker. It’s not the addiction itself; it’s if the person doesn’t want to find help. If people really listen to each other with understanding and respect, needs can be met. Linda also talks about how infidelity doesn’t always have to be a dealbreaker. It may be a one-time mistake, and the person may have learned a lesson. It IS possible to forgive. Fears will come up and it will take time. It’s a matter of trust and it may be possible to work it out.

Being in a relationship takes a lot of work. It’s about being conscious. Linda discusses modern families and how there may be completely unequal levels of income. It’s important to talk about and get to the roots underneath the discomfort.  If couples lean into the challenge, it can be a very fruitful conversation of balance. This is especially prevalent in the United States where people are so focused on money. It is possible to be a contribution, even if finances are unequal.

The biggest fights  occur when people don’t feel the depth of love. Success in the US is defined by money, status, and finances. Linda’s definition of success includes how many loving relationships we have in our lives. If you make it the priority, you won’t suffer by feeling like you are lacking love. When you get triggered, and you are angry, it’s important to take a few breaths. Take a break when you are in a fight. Breath and settle down. Think about what’s hurting you and scaring you. That’s a helpful, connecting conversation. By doing this, you can feel heard. That’s loving behavior. Having a safe word also helps. When you take a “time out,” do not stomp off and slam the door. That’s a message saying your partner is impossible. It’s important to both agree ahead of time that this is the best way to calm down and compose yourself. Come back with the intention to learn and understand. This respectful attitude builds back the trust.

Linda and her husband, Charlie Bloom, are co-authors of several widely acclaimed books including, “101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last,” which has sold more than 100,000 copies, and “Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love, Happily Ever After and Thirty-nine Other Myths about Love,” She offers educational and counseling services to individuals, couples, and organizations. She is a regular presenter at Esalen Institute and Kripalu Yoga Center. Info: www.bloomwork.com