Writing and Fatherhood: An Interview with Evan Porter, Author of Dad Camp

Parenting is a journey filled with highs, lows, challenges, and joys, especially when raising daughters in today's complex world. In this week's Dads with Daughters podcast we were joined by Evan Porter, founder of the popular parenting blog Dad Fixes Everything and author of the newly released book Dad Camp. He shared his fears and triumphs of being a father, the transition from blogging to writing a novel, and the importance of balancing personal identity with being an engaged parent.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Fatherhood

From the moment he discovered he was going to become a father, Evan Porter experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Joy, excitement, fear, and self-doubt all mingled as he stepped into the role of parenting two daughters. Describing his initial reaction, Evan reflected, "It’s a blend of having wanted that and planned for that... but also this moment of, 'Oh my god. It’s really happening.'"

Porter was candid about the inherent fears tied to raising daughters. "The world is a very scary place for girls and for women," he shared, articulating a concern many fathers share. While the desire to shield his daughters from every possible harm loomed large, he acknowledged the reality that some things inevitably lie beyond parental control.

Understanding Individuality in Parenting

Evan's experience of parenting two daughters, each with distinct personalities, illustrates the universal truth that no two children are the same. He emphasized the necessity of tailoring his approach to fit each child’s unique needs and characteristics. This challenge to understand and bond with each daughter individually is a common thread in the tapestry of fatherhood.

With his eldest daughter, now nine years old, Porter finds joy in sharing more complex activities, such as teaching her solitaire and exploring new games. On the other hand, playful activities and light-hearted interactions dominate his relationship with both daughters, underscoring the importance of joy and laughter in strengthening family bonds.

The Struggle of Maintaining Personal Identity

One of the profound topics discussed was the struggle parents face in maintaining their personal identity amidst the demands of parenthood. Porter acknowledged a significant challenge: "Losing sight... of who you are outside of being a father." He articulated the struggle many modern dads encounter—the balancing act of hands-on parenting while trying to retain a piece of their pre-parenthood identity.

This theme of identity loss and the quest to reclaim it runs through his novel, Dad Camp. Written during the COVID-19 lockdown, the book explores a father’s journey to rediscover himself while navigating the ups and downs of parenthood. Through fiction, Porter was able to articulate the complex emotions and experiences common to many parents.

The Transition from Blogging to Novel Writing

Porter’s journey from running the blog Dad Fixes Everything to writing Dad Camp highlights an evolution in understanding and expressing the parenting experience. His blog began as an informative resource, answering practical queries new parents often face. However, novel writing allowed him to delve deeper into the emotional and psychological aspects of parenthood. 

Inspired by his experiences and a need for creative expression during the pandemic, Porter found novel writing to be both a cathartic and fulfilling endeavor. The transition allowed him to address the theme of identity from a broader perspective, capturing the essence of fatherhood with authenticity and nuance.

Celebrating Dads in Fiction

Porter’s primary goal in his novel was to offer a relatable and affirming portrayal of modern fathers. He noted that the stereotypical image of the lazy sitcom dad still lingers, overshadowing the dedication and involvement most dads exhibit today. By creating a diverse ensemble of father characters, he hopes to celebrate the multifaceted nature of fatherhood and provide representation that resonates with real-life dads.

As he continues to promote Dad Camp, Porter is already crafting his next literary work, aimed at exploring similar themes of parenthood and identity. His journey as an author and a father is a testament to the continuous evolution and reflection that parenthood demands. Through his writing, Porter hopes to inspire other parents to embrace the complexities and joys of raising children, recognizing the importance of presence, identity, and connection.

In the end, as Evan poignantly observed, "You don’t want to miss out on the hard stuff... It’s not fun, but you’re gonna remember that and you’re gonna wanna have those memories." This candid advice encapsulates the heart of parenting—cherishing the moments, however challenging, and appreciating the journey shared with our children.

You can follow Evan Porter on Instagram and learn more about his work on his website.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]:
Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]:
Welcome back to dads with daughters, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, I love being able to talk to you, to walk alongside with you, and to be able to learn alongside you in regards to this journey that we're on in regard to raising our daughters. I know that I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. None of us are perfect when it comes to being a father, but being a father to a daughter as well. We are always going to have a little bit of gap in between the understanding of their experience as individuals, there's always going to be a little bit of a gap when it comes to the way that we think they think and we can always do something we can always do something daily, to be able to better engage to be able to better bother our daughters. And that's what this podcast is all about.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:08]:
Every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can help you to add some tools to your toolbox and to allow for you to be able to to learn, to grow, and to take some things along the way that will help you to be that dad that you wanna be. That's why every week I bring you different guests, different people that with those different experiences. And today, we got another great guest. Today we've got another great guest with us. Evan Porter is with us. And he is the founder of the popular parenting blog, Dad Fixes Everything and author of the new book called Dad Camp. Really excited to be able to have him on today to talk about his own journey as being a father of 2 daughters, and to talk a little bit more about his book and what he's learned along the way. Evan, thanks so much for being here today.

Evan Porter [00:02:00]:
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I mean, what a great fit. Dads with Daughters is a perfect tie in for the book, and I'm sure we'll get into it. 

Christopher Lewis [00:02:07]:
I am excited to have you here today. And first and foremost, 1 of the things that I love to do is I love having the power to turn the clock back in time. So I wanna go back in time. And I know you got 2 daughters. So I wanna go all the way back to the beginning. When you first found out that you're going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head?

Evan Porter [00:02:23]:
Oh, wow. I think there's a blend of 1 have you know, having wanted that and planned for that and been trying for that, but also this moment, like, oh my god. It's really happening. Like, it's happening so soon. It's happening so fast. Both of both ends of that spectrum of emotion of being so excited that you got what you wanted and you got what you had planned for, but also being like, woah. Wait. Wait.

Evan Porter [00:02:40]:
Wait. I'm not so sure I'm ready. Yeah. You know? Can we can we slow it down a little bit? But then, you know, kinda that gives just just gives way to the excitement of, you know, just really looking forward to to that next chapter. And, you know, I've always wanted to be a dad and that was really You know, I talked to a lot of dads of daughters that talk about the fact that it's a little scary, not only to be a father, but to be a father to a daughter, especially at the beginning as you're kind of fumbling a little bit and trying to figure out kind of those first steps and trying to figure out what does it mean to be a dad, to a daughter.

Christopher Lewis
As you look at the years that you've had thus far with your daughters, what would you say has been your biggest fear or is your biggest fear in raising daughters?

Evan Porter [00:03:15]:
I think that the world is a very scary place for girls and for women. And I think that's 1 of, like, the biggest things that I worry about is there's only so much I can do to to keep them safe. And I can teach them, and I can protect them as much as I can. But it is a scary world out there for women and for girls, and it's harder on them in in so many ways. And part of me wanted the opportunity to have a boy at some point just to put another good man out into the world and make the world a little bit of a better place in that regard too. And so not feeling like I have any control over that, I think, is is really challenging. It gives me nightmares.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:45]:
Now you do have 2 daughters and anytime you add more than 1 to the mix, you've gotta figure things out in a whole different way. I know in my own experience, both my daughters have very different personalities, and I've had to really work hard to be able to understand them individually and build those unique bonds with each of them. So talk to me about for your 2 daughters and your own experience, what are the favorite things that you and each of your daughters love to share with each other?

Evan Porter [00:04:14]:
That's a great question. Yeah. They are so different. I think the nature versus nurture is settled. It's settled in my mind. I think that they are completely different people, completely different ends of many different spectrums. So that's been so, so interesting interesting to think that the way we raise them probably hasn't changed drastically from 1 to the other, but just there's these things in their brains that are wired differently and they're completely, completely different people. And so they each require kind of their own approach. And we have completely, completely different people. And so they each require kind of their own approach, and we have our own relationships. So with my oldest 1 who's 9, I mean, we just love to goof around. I think both I'd love to goof around with both of them. I love to be the silly fun dad throwing them around in the pool and flipping them in the pool. Anytime we can laugh together, playing games or just cracking jokes or making up games on the spot, I think with both of them, that's really, really effective and some of my favorite parts of of being a dad.

Evan Porter [00:04:57]:
My older 1 is also kind of getting into just becoming a little adult person. So you can do more complicated things with her. You teach her new things and games and teaching her, like, how to play solitaire or, like, new card games that we can play together. And so I think that's a big theme. I love to just play with them and playing them with them in different ways. And that's just the best part of being a dad. So I try to get as much out of that as possible. Parent is never easy. 

Christopher Lewis [00:05:15]:

There are ups, there's downs, there's positives, there's negatives, and it's always changing. What's been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter?

Evan Porter [00:05:27]:
I think maybe we're skipping ahead a little bit into some of the some of the book inspiration and things like that. But I think losing sight a little bit of who you are outside of being a father and being a parent because it is all consuming. And I think, like, this new generation of dads are is doing so much, and they're very hands on. They're very active and very engaged in it. The slice of the pie that is not related to your kids gets smaller and smaller and smaller. I think you, you know, you lose sight of hobbies and you it's harder to keep in touch with friends and you have less time for yourself and for the other parts of your life. And I think that's a big challenge. Even though parenting your kids is so, so rewarding, you still need that other stuff.

Evan Porter [00:06:00]:
And I'm always, like, trying to calibrate and find ways to, like, hold on to, like, little pieces of who I was before kids and, like, who I am outside of being just a father. So I haven't found the magic answer to that quite yet. That's 1 of that's a daily struggle and definitely something that you have to constantly work on. And there's not once you to be honest, I I would say that once you feel like you finally hit your groove, something changes and you have to adjust and change yet again. So it is ever going and ever changing and that's the 1 thing of fatherhood that's the constant is that there is no constant and that you will continuously have to make adjustments along the way. Now you kind of talked about the new book, but I wanna start first at the fact that you have a blog that you started a number of years back, called Dad Fixes Everything. And I guess first and foremost, what made you decide that you wanted to start this blog to be able to talk to other fathers or talk more about your own experiences with a larger audience?

Evan Porter [00:07:03]:
It was an outlet for me to practice writing and not the kind of writing that I've done in the book, but marketing and copywriting and blogging and freelance writing and journalism and kind of all these other pieces that I've done over my career and putting them to work for myself. And so I was a new parent at the time. I think my oldest daughter was around 2 or 3 when I launched it, and I was kind of finding myself with all these questions and things that I was wondering about and very like fact based things like what's the difference between, size 4 and 4 T and kids clothes? What is the difference between a mini crib and a crib and a bassinet and a rocker and a glider and, like, kind of all these, like, sort of okay. Like, I need to figure this out. And so kind of researching these things and presenting the information in a way that helped me learn and that hopefully was helpful to other people, that was kind of the inspiration behind the blog. It was just a great outlet to practice to practice writing and practice, some of those other skills that I was talking about.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:55]:
I am someone that also had a blog that I started back in 2007. And it kind of grew with me, in my own experiences, I know what you're talking about, and definitely have been there and have done that. And I also am an author. And I know how much time, effort, patience and more goes into a writing of a book, let alone a novel that is as large as your book is. So you went from having this blog, Dad Fixes Everything, to over the years then getting inspired to be able to write a new book, a new book that just came out just recently called Dad Camp. And I guess talk to me about that transition it from writing in a blog sense to now writing a novel that really incorporates in and brings forward a story of a father and daughters to a larger audience as well? What was the inspiration for the book? And what made you decide that you wanted to put all that time and effort into creating this?

Evan Porter [00:09:03]:
Feeling a little bored and a little bit stuck with the kinds of work that I was doing and wanting a new challenge. It wasn't my first time doing creative writing. I'd written, screenplays, in my early twenties. I'd done some screenwriting, and I missed writing fiction and just like writing pure creatively that wasn't informational. It wasn't for marketing. It wasn't for copywriting. It wasn't for journalism. It was just for fun and just for the experience of doing it and and for storytelling.

Evan Porter [00:09:26]:
And so I just wanted to revisit that again. I took many, many years off of doing that, and I think it was in that kind of COVID lockdown time when I was really cooped up and really feeling stale and stuck and just needing a spark, needing something that was just for me. And so there was something very meta about it because the book deals with so much with that loss of identity as a parent. And for me, writing the book was an attempt to kinda get that back a little bit. There were a couple ways. 

Christopher Lewis [00:09:50]:
Talk to me a little bit about that, the loss of identity, but also the interplay of fiction and nonfiction, and being able to incorporate some of your own experiences as a father in to this fictionalized account of a father with his daughters?

Evan Porter [00:10:07]:
Yeah. Because we touched on having trouble keeping your hobbies and staying in touch with friends and, you know, finding time to exercise or whatever it is that you like to do. And then sort of during COVID time, that was all cranked up to 11. I remember being in the house with the kids. My littlest was just a baby at the time, really doing nothing but taking care of them all day long and never really leaving the house, never seeing anybody, never never doing anything. And so that was really, really tough. And I also felt guilty, like, oh, I should be enjoying this time with my kids. Like, we're spending so much time together.

Evan Porter [00:10:35]:
This should be fun. Like, we should be making, like, happy memories and, like, kinda, like, dealing with that that guilt of not enjoying it more. And a lot of those ideas just kind of came out in the book and it felt like a natural thing for me to explore via fiction. And again, you know, there's that sort of meta piece where the dad in the story is going through some of those challenges as well. Of course, not in, like, the COVID environment. Chose to, like, that COVID didn't exist in this story world that I was building. But he was having those same issues losing touch with who he was before. And so I think the early drafts of the book had a lot of heart and a lot of passion and, like, kind of rawness to them because I was, like, living what I was writing about so thoroughly.

Evan Porter [00:11:12]:
And then, of course, the novel evolved so much from those early drafts. But, you know, a lot of the the heart of the story was there from the very beginning and was based on kinda what I was going through at that time.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:20]:
So as dads are reading this book or anyone that's reading this book, what are you hoping that they take out of this? And what are you hoping that they can then take from this and incorporate into their own life?

Evan Porter [00:11:33]:
I want dads to feel seen by the story in some way, even if they don't identify with the main character. There's a whole cast of them cast of different dads at this camp that they go to. And I tried to represent different different types of dads, I mean, different archetypes and kind of uncovering the layers of of all those characters. And I want any any parent really, but especially dads, to be able to see themselves in the story and just kind of feel validated or understood a little bit. I think it's kind of it's tough. I think the sort of ghost of the lazy sitcom dad still hangs over us heavily as a society. And it's I think dads are are really doing a good job for the most part these days and and are not always seen and not always appreciated the way that I think they could be. And I just wanna have good good representation of of dads in fiction, and I think that's what I tried to accomplish here.

Evan Porter [00:12:17]:
Even though each of them had their own flaws and their own challenges, I just wanted to kind of, like, have a celebration of, like, some of the good stuff too.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:23]:
So now this book is out into the world. And I guess as you look at the future, what is the future for you as a writer, as a father? Are there things that you really would love to be able to do to be able to take what you've done here and take it to a different level or to move in a different direction to tell different stories. What's next?

Evan Porter [00:12:42]:
I'm working on another book. I can't say too much about it just yet. In the middle of promoting this 1 and doing doing interviews and all the kind of stuff that I'm doing, I'm working on number 2. So I'm looking forward to being able to talk about that soon. Think it'll have some similar themes in terms of parenthood and moms and dads and all sorts of caregivers and new parents will hopefully be able to relate to it. But this whole process has been so interesting because, you know, I did it just for me and just as something that I wanted to do for myself. And now I'm getting to, like, share that with my family and my kids. I just did my first in person book event at a bookstore, like, with an inner like, a q and a with another author and a signing.

Evan Porter [00:13:16]:
And, you know, my daughters were sitting in the front row of the seats kinda, like, staring at me. Like so it was very, very fun to, like, be able to share this with them. And I'm going up to Baltimore in my hometown a couple weeks to do another event, and I'm bringing my oldest daughter with me, and she's gonna kinda share in that experience. It'll be a little adventure for the 2 of us. So and I'm just trying to enjoy it as much as I possibly can, and I hope my, my girls are are proud of me.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:37]:
So talk to me about what has been the response from your daughters, as you've read either the whole book to them, or parts of the book to them? And how does that response inspire you or push you to be able to continue that writing?

Evan Porter [00:13:53]:
Well, my 3 year old has no idea what's going on. Right? She knows that I wrote a book and she knows what it looks like. She's seen the cover and everything and so she could point it out. She sees it. But she just thinks it's cool that we're having parties and going to book stores and running around. My oldest it is an adult book, I should say. Some people hear the concept and they think that it's for 11 year olds to read, but it's really a fully adult book that's from the adult point of view. And so but my 9 year old thinks it's really cool and she wants to read it.

Evan Porter [00:14:16]:
I've let her read little snippets of it here and there. And I think she's really proud and excited. And I think that there was a quote from James Cameron that was watching his documentary about his deep sea diving. And he said something like, even more than your presence, your kids need your example. And so, yeah, I hope that they get something out of watching me kind of, like, pursue my dreams. And even if it doesn't register in the moment, maybe 1 day they'll look back on it and and be inspired by it.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:39]:
Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5, where I ask you 5 more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready? In 1 word, what is fatherhood?

Evan Porter [00:14:48]:
Love is the first word that came to mind.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:51]:
Now, when was the time that you felt like you finally succeeded at being a father to a doctor?

Evan Porter [00:14:57]:
I'll just give you 1 that pops that pops to mind. We were at a feel like a big water slide water park place, and my oldest was scared to get on the big water slide. And I was able to give her, like, a really good fatherly pep talk and get her to work up the courage to do it. And then she was, like, really happy that she did it. And my brother was there with us, and he texted me later. And he was like, that was a great dad speech you gave her. And, he was really impressed with my ability to get her to be brave. And, yeah, that 1 stuck with me. I felt it was cool that I did it and that somebody else recognized it too.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:27]:
Now if I was to talk to your kids, and your 3 year old might not say much, but if I was to talk to them, how would they describe who you're dad?

Evan Porter [00:15:33]:
Fun and silly. You know, we talked earlier. I'd I'd, like, love to get in the pool with them and throw them around and flip them in the air and, you know, make them laugh. Like, I'll do anything to make them laugh. And that's what I live for. And so I think that's probably what they would say.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:46]:
In 10 years from now, what would you say?

Evan Porter [00:15:47]:
Remember that I was there all the time. Like, I think that I want them to know that I was always there at the swim meets and the sports games and the school play and never had to miss it for anything else. So regardless of any other way that I might let them down, down, hopefully they just remember that I was always like right there in their corner.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:03]:
Who inspires you to be a better dad?

Evan Porter [00:16:04]:
It's my own dad. He passed away a number of years ago, but he was a fantastic dad, a great man, very gentle soul. And he taught me so much about being a good writer or being a good dad and being a good man. So I, you know, he's not around anymore, but

Christopher Lewis [00:16:19]:
Now you've shared a lot about your experiences thus far, and some of the things that you've learned along the way. As we finish up today and you think about all all dads out there, what's 1 piece of advice you'd wanna give to give to any father?

Evan Porter:
You don't wanna miss out on the hard stuff. It is so hard. And, know, there's this funny thing that happens. I think anytime there's a challenge or or a day or your plans don't go the way you thought they would and you're frustrated and tired and sad or whatever. Like, I feel like you always look back and appreciate it and find it funny or it's it becomes a good story or a happy memory in some way. You know, I always use this example of taking the kids to the beach. It's like so much work and it's hot and it's sandy and sometimes it feels like everybody's miserable, but then you look back and you're like, oh, we had such a nice day at the beach. For some reason, our brains are funny like that.

And I think like you don't be the guy who didn't change the poopy diapers. I know it's not fun, but you're gonna remember that and you're gonna wanna like have those memories. Trust me.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:14]:
Now if people wanna find out more about the book, about your blog, about other things that you're doing, where's the best place where's the best

Evan Porter [00:17:21]:
You can follow me on Instagram where I talk a lot about the book and my my journey writing it and promoting it. That's at words by Evan Porter on Instagram. And words by Evan Porter dot com is my website where I share everything about the book and what I'm working on and all sorts of fun stuff like that.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:37]:
Well, Evan, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story today. Thank you for putting this great book out into the world. Thank you. Thank you for the great questions. Have fun. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The fatherhood insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:58]:
We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along, and the fatherhood insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step by step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it out at fathering together.org. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the dads with daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes today. Dads with daughters is a program of fathering together. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week all geared to helping you raise strong and power daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

We're all in the same boat, and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your a game. Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling You're the best dad you can be.