Dads With Daughters
Dads with Daughters strives to create a supportive online community that highlights promising practices for fathers to better understand themselves and their daughters while encouraging and helping fathers be active participants in their daughters lives raising them to be strong independent women.
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Joe Cody Discusses IVF, Advocacy, and Raising a Daughter
04/22/2024
Joe Cody Discusses IVF, Advocacy, and Raising a Daughter
Join us as we delve into the gripping narrative of on the Dads with Daughters podcast, where he shares his multifaceted life as an entrepreneur, advocate, and a devoted father. Infertility Journey Joe retraces the trying ordeal that marked the beginning of his fatherhood journey—the quest for parenthood through IVF. He lays bare his family's emotional rollercoaster, marked by failed IVF attempts, a heartbreaking miscarriage, and financial strain amounting to $60,000. Grain Fertility: A Beacon of Hope Amidst the turmoil, Joe's expertise in health policy, coupled with his volunteer work for Resolve, sparked the inception of . The app, enriched by Joe's personal saga, stands as a testament to turning adversity into a beacon of hope, aiding countless individuals in their fertility quests. Empowerment Through Technology Grain Fertility not only simplifies the daunting medical landscape but also fosters understanding and empowerment. It epitomizes Joe's crusade for accessible reproductive healthcare—the service, available in both free and premium versions, embodies the convergence of education, support, and expertise. Fatherhood Through the Lens of Fertility Struggles Joe eloquently articulates how overcoming fertility hurdles has sculpted him into a more present and grateful father. Whether relishing the anticipation of his daughter's future or savoring shared moments at a Frozen musical, he exemplifies the profound appreciation and unshakable love that stem from his experiences. Defining Moments and Lasting Advice In an intimately revealing 'Fatherhood 5' segment, Joe distills fatherhood to its essence: love. He humbly acknowledges his aspirations for his daughter, imparting wisdom to fellow fathers on kindness and the pivotal role of love in parenting. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you, talk to you, to engage with you, to find that commonality that we have in raising daughters in today's society. And I know that each of us are on our own journey. But you know what? We are all on a collective journey because we are all raising daughters. And that's important because all of us come to this with our own backgrounds, but we don't have to do this alone. There are so many other dads around us. And while society may sometimes push us to be that lone wolf per se, that alpha male, that person that is that is being challenged to go alone and do things by yourself. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:10]: You don't have to. And that's what this podcast is all about. This podcast is here as a resource. It's here to help you to go on a journey with all of the dads that are guests, all of the people that are guests to find those resources and find those commonalities, learn something along the way, and help you as you are going through your own journey. Because you don't have to be alone. And you have a community right here. That's here to help you in that journey that you're on every week. I also love being able to have different guests with us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:43]: And why? Because I 1, I like learning from them. But also, 2, I love being able to introduce them to you. So we have dads that come on moms that come on. We have other people with many different resources and it is always a fun time to be able to learn about the journey that they've been on and the things that they have struggled with as well, because I'm sure many of the things that they're struggling with, you're struggling with too. Today, we've got another great guest with us. Joe Cody was with us today, and Joe is a father of a daughter. We're gonna talk about his own journey, and I'm really excited to have him here. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Cody [00:02:18]: Oh, thanks for having me on, Chris. I appreciate it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]: It is my pleasure. Love that you're here, and I'm really excited to be able to learn a little bit more about you. 1st and foremost, we got to turn the clock back a couple of years now. Your daughter is in that age 3 range. So we're going to talk about what it's been like in these these years that you've had with her. So let's turn that clock back in time. What was that first reaction that you had when you first found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:02:46]: My journey is like a lot of people's where we were trying for years to try to have a child get pregnant. We had to go through almost 4 years of infertility treatment, IVF specifically, to try to have our daughter. So when we got that phone call from our reproductive endocrinologist saying that my wife was pregnant, it was an unbelievable feeling. And then the way that IVF process works, you find out much quicker than other people do about the gender of the child and other stuff. So I found out this we were gonna have a baby girl, and I was ecstatic. I was at that point where I didn't really care whether or not I had a boy or girl. I was just so blessed to have a child concerning the journey we had gone through. And then I really started to think through. Joe Cody [00:03:24]: I found myself fast forwarding through decades already where I was thinking about our graduation, about walking right down the aisle, and these other things that dads think about as you go through that process. But then I had to kind of rewind to come back into the moment. So it was really exciting moment for me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:38]: Now, a lot of dads tell me that, especially in raising daughters and you only have a daughter, I only have daughters. So I can't say that I have the same experience and understanding what a father with a son goes through. But a lot of the dads that I talked to that are dads with daughters have said that there's some fear that goes along with being a father to a daughter. What's been your biggest fear in raising your daughter so far? Joe Cody [00:04:04]: I think for me, it is you don't know necessarily what you're doing because you don't have that experience of being a little girl or a woman growing up in today's world. So you think as a a male who has gone through your experiences, you know, that sheds light onto the way that we're going to approach different situations. But understanding that her perspective is gonna be completely different. She's growing up in a completely different time than I did. So is that fear of am I doing things the right way, and am I actually adequately preparing her for what she needs in life later on, knowing that her journey is gonna be complete different than mine? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:39]: There's definitely ups and downs in that journey. It's not always roses. It's not always going to be easy. What's been the hardest part of being a dad to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:04:50]: I think for me, the process going through and having her and then immediately she was born April 2020, so at the very start of the pandemic. So you have a pandemic baby who's born, and you we didn't have a lot of support for that first 6 to 9 months because no one had vaccines yet. Everyone was still trying to figure out what was going on. So we felt really isolated, during that process. We did get to see our parents a few times during it, but for the most part so and a lot of that was trying to figure out what are we doing going through this process. And There are so many small things with little girls that you don't think of as a a male growing up and trying to figure out those things. So I think that was, you know, one of the things that we've just tried to figure out, but constantly trying to remind myself that a lot of us, we don't really know what we're doing. We're kinda figuring this out as we go, and we're doing the best we can, and that's the most we can do. Joe Cody [00:05:45]: And I think if we continue to love and support and provide, everything that she needs, I think we're gonna be just fine. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:52]: Now you've had your daughter in your life now for about three and a half years, and you've had definite experiences. You just talked about the experience that you had right away. There are definite memories, things that you'll remember, things that she'll start to remember as she gets a little bit older. What's been the most memorable experience that you've had thus far as a father to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:06:17]: He is really into pretend and to dressing up and all of those things. And it's very funny because we didn't necessarily push any of those things until, you know, quote, unquote, constructs of what a a girl should be doing. She just naturally gravitated towards those and loves Disney princesses. So for Christmas this year, we actually went to go see the Frozen musical at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC where we live. So for Christmas Eve, that's what we did. It's my wife, Kate, my daughter, and I went out, had the 3 of us then went to dinner afterwards. And it was an amazing time, and she just loved the entire thing. She got to wear her Elsa dress to the musical and knew the songs, and it was a very it was an amazing experience to be able to to see that. Joe Cody [00:07:01]: So that's one of those things that I know I will remember. Hopefully, she does as well, but there are lots of small things too that we've been able to do together. I really am into college football and sports, and she's really started to love watching sports with me, which I haven't tried to push it, but I am kind of to a degree because it's a a really great way for us to be able to bond together. So she'll start chanting. I'm from Missouri originally, so I'm a large Mizzou fan. And so she'll start saying m I z z o u, and she had chanting along and stuff. So it's very funny to be able to see her do that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:33]: I love it. And I'm sure, you know, down the road, you'll have to see, you know, who she's gonna be rooting for for the Super Bowl and beyond and, you know, have some fun along the way. Joe Cody [00:07:41]: Exactly. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:42]: Now, you're a busy guy. You've got a lot of things going on. You're an entrepreneur, but you also are involved in a lot of other things. Talk to me about balance and how you have found balance in your life to be able to be the engaged father that you want to be while still being able to do the things that you need to do to support your family and want to do to be able to move your career forward and the other things that you're doing forward. Joe Cody [00:08:09]: I I think one of the things that I've tried to do is to make it a priority to build it into your schedule. You have to make an effort in order to be there for my wife to be able to help out with stuff. You know, as you're trying to do I'm trying to build a company right now. I've had other jobs. I've been doing nonprofit work. I've been doing advocacy work for the National Fertility Association, all these things. But I always will try to have a few hour window in the evening where after daycare is over or before bedtime, we're doing stuff together. I try not to schedule as many calls as I can. Joe Cody [00:08:41]: Try to be there to be able to play, pick up or drop off 1 of the 2, be there to cook dinner, be there for bath, bedtime. And if there are additional things that have to get done, they get done afterwards. But trying to prioritize that time knowing that we only have a little bit of time while, you know, we're together, and it seems like it's gonna be forever. But in reality, you know, it's speeding along very quickly. So me making it a priority and as I go through the entrepreneurial process or everything else, I constantly tell myself that no matter what we do, it's never gonna be as hard as the process we had trying to have her and trying to remember why we went through everything we did, the the money we spent, the emotional turmoil, and the stuff that I'm doing now and trying to help other people who are trying who are struggling with having kids. I'm doing it so that they can have those memories as well. So trying to prioritize all that's incredibly important to me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:34]: So let's talk about this IVF journey that you and your wife were on. I know that it can be a long arduous journey and definitely challenging, frustrating. And and I know that that journey that you went on has led you to building a new company called Grain Fertility, with an app that that is helping other families that are going through a similar process. So I guess let's talk first about this journey that you were on. And how did that lead you to starting this new company? Joe Cody [00:10:09]: Yeah. So like a lot of couples, when after you get married, you think about wanting to have kids. And we put it off for a few years. My wife is a teacher. She was getting her master's degree at that time considering if she wanted to be a principal. We were gonna buy a house. You know, we're going through the traditional step by step process that everyone says you're supposed to go through. So we didn't really make having a child a priority early on in our marriage. Joe Cody [00:10:29]: But as we started to have problems of experiencing that, it really became apparent that it was gonna be a much more arduous journey. And so that ended up being about three and a half years of infertility treatment that we had. And over that course of that, we had 5 failed rounds of IVF. We had one miscarriage. We had to go to 2 different clinics and spent close to $60,000 out of pocket to go through the entire process. And as I went through that, I kept thinking there has to be a way for us to be able to be able to make more informed decisions and to try to regain a sense of control that you lose as you go through the infertility process. You really feel like you are a passenger in your own journey, and there are so many things you have zero control over as you go through that process. And my background is in health policy. Joe Cody [00:11:15]: I worked on the hill. I worked for consulting firms. Done for 16 plus years in DC trying to work on health policy issues. So I started to volunteer for a a patient organization called Resolve, the National Amp and amphetamine Association, as a way to try to take back some of that control, try to help others use my skill set to try to impact policy at the national level. So that way people who weren't as fortunate as myself who couldn't afford these numerous cycles of the process could try to be able to go through that process in a little easier, more cost effective way. And as we went through that journey together, I realized how common it was that people really struggled in trying to understand everything that's thrown at them as they go through that process. Grain Fertility is the application that I wish that we had as we went through that process. The whole idea was, based off of what my wife did to manage her own information. Joe Cody [00:12:04]: She carried a binder to all of her doctor's appointments, and that was the way that her doctors knew what was going on because those doctors aren't communicating to one another. The patients were the ones who had to take control of that situation. So the application essentially is a way to be able to patients to be able to take some of that control back and to be more empowered and educated as they go through this process. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:22]: So the name, Grain Fertility, talk to me about that. What was it and why why did you call it that? And what is the the symbolic nature of that name for the organization itself? Joe Cody [00:12:35]: Yeah. So for a couple of things. 1, so my my background is in health policy and for the last 7 years I've worked in health IT policy specifically. But a lot of the data that we have in our doctor's office, it's all granular. It's all been siloed away from one of another. So it's not really able to be transformed into something greater. But then I took Latin in high school. And when you look back at the history of agriculture and fertility being tied together, you look at the Greek and Roman goddesses, most of the time, you know, you have Demeter. Joe Cody [00:13:05]: As the goddess of fertility and of grain. So there's this association between both grain and fertility being tied together. And so I really wanted to be able to have a way to be able to symbolize how we're trying to transform that data into something greater to be able to help promote greater fertility for individuals who are struggling with their own journey. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:24]: So let's talk about what this what your organization now is creating. I said you have this app that is out there to help people that are going through this process like you were talking about specifically. And so talk to me about the app, what you've created, how it works, and how it is simplifying the process for individuals as they are going from patient from doctor to doctor as they're going through this process? Joe Cody [00:13:51]: Yeah. So one of the things that we are really trying to achieve is to be able to promote a better sense of education and empowerment for the individual. So this application, Grain Fertility, that is available for download, patients will sign up for it and then we walk them through the process of collecting their health information. We'll help them create a timeline that allows them to visualize their fertility journey in one place and we give them organizational tools that allow them to access the different information they need when they need it. So right now, a lot of patients who are going through fertility treatment or managing any disease really have to go to their doctor's, portal in order to sign up. You log in your information. You'll be able to see some of your information, but it's not really accessible and it's really hard to be able to understand. A lot of times, it's in medical language, acronyms, and other stuff their doctors have written in these clinical notes. Joe Cody [00:14:42]: So not only do we allow that patient to be able to import that information, put it on the application, have it files on their phone, computer, wherever they want, we also provide them with educational resources and tools and connect them with other organizations that help them understand what that means. We we really believe that an educated patient is an empowered patient, and information by itself doesn't necessarily help unless you understand the context of what that means for your own individual case. So we try to provide those resources directly to the patient so that they understand what that information means in context of their own journey, and then they can start to ask their health care provider, what are the things I need to be doing in order to increase my chances of success? What are the things I should be doing? And what are the things that are coming next so I feel more prepared for the journey? Everything doesn't feel like a surprise. All of that starts to snowball into a patient that feels more in control. They know what's coming on. They can make better decisions because they are more informed. Just like in business, I firmly believe that if an individual has more information at their fingertips and they understand what it means, they can make better decisions. Same thing with our health care. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:45]: So if people are interested in this application, is there a cost to it? How do they access it? What are they going to be seeing when they get into...
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Navigating Dad-Daughter Dynamics: Stories from the Ash-Shakoor Family
04/15/2024
Navigating Dad-Daughter Dynamics: Stories from the Ash-Shakoor Family
Today's Dads with Daughters' podcast featured some amazing guests. actor, pastor and father, and his daughter . The discussions revolved around their experiences, highlighting the integral role of fathers in daughter's lives, and providing valuable lessons for dads everywhere. **A Father's Protective Instinct and Balancing Parenthood with a Career** When Aqeel learned he was about to become a father to a daughter, he felt a profound sense of responsibility and protectiveness. He reflected on his initial desire to have a daughter and shared the powerful moment of witnessing her birth. Aqeel also discussed the concerns fathers often face, particularly when it comes to protecting their daughters in a world that can sometimes be unkind. Balancing a busy career with involved fatherhood, Aqeel emphasizes the importance of prioritization, with a three-rule mantra: 'God, family, handle your business.' **The Importance of Father-Daughter Relationships** Jaylah spoke candidly about the evolution of her appreciation for her father's protective nature. As she transitioned into adulthood, she understood the value of having a supportive dad and recognized the unique challenges that come with the territory. Aqeel and Jaylah mutually stressed the significance of a father's presence and guidance in shaping a daughter's sense of self and decision-making abilities. **Communication and Trust - Key Pillars of Parenthood** A crucial topic discussed in the podcast revolves around the essence of communication in building strong father-daughter relationships. Aqeel and Jaylah highlighted the need for clear dialogue, understanding, and a foundation of trust. They emphasized that parents must believe in their children's capabilities and support them in carving their own paths, even when they diverge from expectations. **Building Confidence and Resilience** Aqeel shared an affectionate account of fostering confidence in Jaylah. He recounted his efforts to instill resilience by encouraging her to embrace challenges, including navigating self-doubt at her new school. This mirrors in Jaylah's own aspirations for impact and influence in her endeavors as an influencer and entrepreneur. **The Ash-Shakoor Legacy of Individualism and Success** Aqeel's humble beginnings and his vow at nine years old to achieve success laid a foundation for his parenting approach, focused on teaching his children to believe in themselves without excuses. Jaylah spoke of her father's imprint on her ambition, the value of taking charge, and owning the room, attributing her confidence to the freedom her parents granted her. In conclusion, this episode serves as a powerful testament to the deep bonds, challenges, and triumphs within father-daughter relationships. It's an encouragement for dads to embrace their unique journey with their daughters, supporting them to reach their full potential, and leaving a legacy of love, respect, and understanding. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down and talk to you about the journey that you are on with your daughters. Doug. It is a exciting time. It is a important time, and it is so important for you to be actively engaged in your daughter's lives And being willing to learn along with her and going on this journey along with her as well. Every week, I also love being able to have different people, different people to share their experiences. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:56]: We've had dads on the show. We've had moms on the show. We've had Other people with tons of resources that are sharing those resources with you. And there are special moments when I have an opportunity to be able to have a Father and a daughter on the show, and that's today what we're going to be doing. Today, I've got 2 great guests with us. Reverend Dr. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor is with us today, and his daughter, Jaylah, is with us as well. And I'm really excited to have them here today to talk about Their journey as father and daughter and to learn more from them. Aqeel, Jaylah, thanks so much for being here today. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:01:35]: Thank you much. Thank you. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:01:36]: No problem. Thank you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:38]: Well, I really appreciate you both being here. And I guess first and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time, Aqeel. I want to have you go back. I wanna go all the way back. I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father. To a daughter. What was going through your head? Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:01:55]: Wow. Amazing. That is a trip down memory lane. I will say that. So the journey goes like this. My first son, which is the oldest, his name is Jabriel. And so when I was in the marine corps serving active duty, the One of my gunnery sergeants had a little daughter, and, I was just so marveled that she was, like, 2 years old. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:15]: But she was so affluent, and her Noah. Was just incredible. She can carry on the conversation. I just was, like, from there, so I kept asking him, like, what are you guys doing? He just said he just told me that lesson. Just don't talk baby talk to them when they get older. So I had that in mind, but at the same time, our 1st child was a son. And let me tell you something. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:34]: I think I forgot all about no That I wanted a girl first. So here we are. We're living in Hollywood, Florida. And I tell you, we came home, and I realized that, wow, No. It's finally happening. We've had we're here to have a girl. It was like, wow. Based off of my mother, my mother had boy, girl,. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:53]: Which I have been the oldest, and my sister was the youngest. And so I definitely wanted to complete that, at least have a girl and a boy in this lifetime. And now here it was. We're about to bring this little thing right here that we call Jaylah into the world, and it was just Nuts. So amazing. I can still see standing in the delivery room now, and even our oldest son was standing at the foot of the bed too. No He was witnessing her coming into the world as well, and that is just I'm doing a poor job being able to put it into words because I can never find the words for that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:27]: Now I hear from a lot of fathers that especially with daughters that there are times where the There is fear. There's fear in raising daughters, and I hear that a lot from a lot of dads. And I guess for you, what was or is your biggest fear In raising a daughter. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:03:44]: Okay. We already get to the beat of this thing already. Yes. So my daughter and my wife contend that It is the same raising girls as it is boys, and I contend that it's not. There's a lot of protectiveness And no fault of her own, but I just I have always just felt like, you know, that hedge of protection. If I can't be there, no I'm always worried even when she was away in college. From walking through the house at 2 o'clock in the morning, and I think about it, she gets a call at 2 AM in the morning. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:04:20]: And still sometimes now. And she may say, daddy, what in the world is going on? I said, oh, nothing. I'm good now. I just needed to hear your voice. But you just always wonder about something happening. And I and maybe we shouldn't think that way, but, You're just always wondering. With the boys, I feel like the boys, can handle themselves, but, you know, the daughter, the the daughter is everything. She you know, you think of her being left unprotected with no covering. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:04:49]: And, You know, and I gotta tell the truth here. And, you know, Chris, when we think about who we were as little boys, we understand why we were about our little girls. So Definitely. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:02]: And, Jaylah, how does that make you feel? Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:05:04]: Well, you know what? Honestly, if you had been asking me this question probably about about 4 years ago. I'd probably laugh and just think it was a joke. But, in all seriousness, I think now, having grown into, Domino's. A woman. I do think that it's it's very interesting because it's true to it. You know? And I think the older you get, the As a young lady, you start to see the world more. You see men like that. You know? You see me and dad's age. You actually you work with some of the men on dad's age and just in that male group, and you start to pick up on how men think, How they speak, how they view themselves, and how they view others, and women as well. It it does as a woman, I feel like When you get older, it does make you, be a little bit more grateful for that. And I've had the Different, friends and associates and different groups who grew up without fathers, and dads or or what have you. And it's very interesting the To hear the difference in the response to that question. So when you're younger, you always think, oh, oh, sure. You know, if I didn't have my dad, my dad's just controlling me. But now looking back, it's like, wow. You know? If you know, fathers need their daughters, and daughters honestly need their fathers. Yeah. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:06:26]: They really, really, really do. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:27]: Now, Aqeel, 1 question that I have to throw out your way is that you're a busy guy. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:06:33]: Yes, sir. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:34]: And you and I were joking about this before we started today, but you dip your toe in a lot of different water, And you've done a lot of different things in your career. And I guess first and foremost, I wanna what I wanna get into here is the Being as busy as you are, there's a balance that has to happen that you have to have in your life the To be able to be that dad that you wanna be. Talk to me about that road that you had to walk for you to be able to Balance the things that you had going outside of the house, outside of the family unit, and how you balance that with What you wanted to be as a person inside the family unit. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:07:17]: It's easy now that I'm already doing it, and I know the pattern that I set with the children. And I have what we call a three rule priority, and that three rule priority keeps me well balanced. And it goes, god, the Family handle your business. God family handle your business. God, family, handle your business. I am a no nonsense guy when it comes to my family is everything with me, And I teach them all the same. You can do everything in the world. And I hope I'm not jumping a gun here, but they were all raised. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:07:54]: Can't is not in the vocabulary. The I'm trying is not in the vocabulary. You're either doing it or you're not, and you can do. I'm a father that Not just saying cliche is that you can do whatever you wanna do. I'm a realist by saying, no. You can do it if you want to do it. That's just it. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:08:14]: But god, family handle your business. We don't compromise that at any point in life. No And so whether if I get a call and I'm on the road, it's god, family, handle your business. That's how it goes. And it's really as simple as that. And I I even, when I Council people. I talked to him about the same thing, and amazingly, it works. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:33]: And, Jaylah, I guess, as you hear that and, the You know, you think back to being raised in a family that is instilling that in you. Talk to me about what that was like for you as a the Young girl moving into womanhood, becoming a woman, now reflecting back on what you have been taught and how that's helped you or hindered you either way the In helping you to become who you are today. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:08:56]: So, actually, I do love that question because it is twofold. So based the what my dad was explaining is we have always in our household, even with the boys, made it about god. God is the center of everything. He's the head of everything. So the 1st father of the family is always gonna be god, and that relationship is very important because as I'm sure you know, because, you know, you explained you have the Children or child as well. You know that parenting has also been said to be very difficult as well. And having god at the the of everything. Sometimes when you don't understand your children or specifically your daughter, you look for answers too. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:09:34]: So it's not just us as daughters wanting all the answers like, the Why does my dad understand? Like, he doesn't get it. Mom, but she gets it, but dad just won't get it. I really feel like, you know, god holds the answers to relationship building. And a big part of relationship building is the communication piece. I feel like that's where a lot of times, daughters, when they're the Being raised, it's that communication piece. It's why won't dad understand me, or does dad understand me? And then vice versa, does my daughter understand what I'm the because this one thing to say, it it sounds good and and it does come off well, but a lot of time, there's a age gap as well where it's a disconnect. We're still trying to be kids. We're wanting to do what what's going on out in the world, especially when you attend, like, public schooling. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:10:21]: You're faced with different things every day, and the It's tempting, but god being the head and the center of everything is always what kinda draws you back to your roots, the Which in the end, goes based off of how you're raised, you're teaching. And so fast forward to now, it's very eye opening because everything I do in my daily life, it always the back to this one lesson that my dad taught me, and it's to take charge. And now when he first started saying this to me, I think I was probably midway through college. And every time I call them, I'm pumped. I'm in the mood. I'm in the the and I'm like, I'm gonna go ahead here. I'm gonna kill this interview, dad. I got the job or what have you. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:11:01]: And he's always like, listen. The I have nothing else to say. Say your prayers, you know, talk to god about it, and take charge. So recently, you know, it really has been on my mind, and I'm like, the What does it really mean to take charge? You know? And I just feel like as a as a as a female and, you know, as a woman and as a daughter, the To me, it's like owning the room that you're staying in. Whatever room you enter into, own the room. Like, the Like, you don't even have to know my name, but you should get the vibe of what I'm about, who I am, and the value that I hold. But so I think that a lot of times, dads, the They really bring that that foundational piece where it's like, take charge. Like, I am who I am, and I'm owning the room, well spoken. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:11:44]: The Like, you wouldn't even have to know my dad to know that I come from good raising just by speaking to me. So that's just, you know, a little bit of of of basically just his teachings and how They started to affect me over the years into now as, you know, a woman. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:11:59]: You know, Chris, can I just add to that? I'm fighting back the Tears right now. So you're about to get some real tears. I tell you, just hearing that is what every parent wants to hear, all the lessons that you've given in life. And what I have attempted to do, not build a machine, but and by god, this is not excluding my wife. But what I'm saying is is that Doug. What I have attempted to do is to lead by exam. And what I mean what I mean by that is if they see. And they've seen me not use excuses for where I am and the conditions that I'm in that can't work. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:12:36]: Then if I show them that it's possible, that and that's all it is. So I started to say, you know, how we had that phrase, think outside the box. The Well, every time I find those cliches, I add to it. So instead of thinking and and instead of me raising them to think outside the box, I tell them to think beyond the outside of the box. You see, because thinking outside the box has a limitation because once you're outside the box, you stop thinking. So I want you to think beyond the outside of the box, and then You create such a situation that you go from believing to knowing in God that it will work. Now we're not. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:13:13]: Not even talking about manifesting it, but I I stick to if you create it in your mind and you see it in your mind, You can do it, and it happens. And I'll I'll probably end up touching up on that a little bit more. So even to hear her talk, under and I'll I'll back off here, but I didn't have that Great confidence I had like that in school even though I was popular playing sports and everything. It wasn't until I got into the marine corps and got all around the world that I Had to build this up. And so what I realized was that you can be very confident and very assured in yourself without being conceded, and that's what I wanted to instill in them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:49]: So, Jaylah, let's reflect back then. How did your dad help you to find that confidence in your life? You talked about that the In college, it really kind of clicked. But think back to as you were younger and you were growing up with your brothers, what did Aqeel do to be able to help you to find that confident? And I know it's not just Aqeel because I know your mother as well, and I know that she is a part of the team. But talk to me about what your dad did specifically to help you to find that confidence to be the person that you are today. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:14:21]: I Can't honestly say I think it has a lot to do with the freedom of individualism. Parents, you guys talk a lot about the How it's different raising all of your children, whether they're boys or girls, is gonna be different for each one given being their personalities. So I think the the Freedom to have whatever personality we chose was the biggest thing for me. Like, I was more so of you know, I was the only girl. I'm the middle child, the And I was just full of personality. I'm singing this day bouncing all across the house. The next day, I wanted to run outside and be with the boys, and the I really think that it had a lot to do with giving us the freedom to experiment within our personalities. Dies. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:15:05]: And I didn't always get it right. Even, like I said, growing up, I started to have issues with my identity, like, just knowing who I was, being confident in who I was. The And I can say for females, we experience a lot of that due to going to puberty, a lot of things that. Take effect going into our teenage years and then our young adult years. A lot of it has to do with the Just the phases of becoming an adult. And so my biggest thing was growing up, went through this gap in this period of time where I was like, okay. The How do I become the young woman that I wanna be while also adhering to what god will want me to be, what the My parents will be proud of. Let's just be honest there as well. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:15:51]: For me, identity was a big thing, and it was just there were days when I was waking up, and I was just like, I'm just not seeing it. The Like, this can't be life. This can't be what it's like to kinda go through the phases of growing up and understanding who you are, and It took effect in my schooling. It took effect, at home, and there were...
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Steve Steele: A Coach's Journey of Love, Family, and Empowering Daughters
04/08/2024
Steve Steele: A Coach's Journey of Love, Family, and Empowering Daughters
Fatherhood is a journey filled with an array of unique challenges and rewarding moments. In the Dads with Daughters podcast, guest Steve Steele sheds light on his personal journey as a father of four, offering insightful perspectives and valuable advice. From embracing the differences in raising daughters and sons to balancing work as a coach and family life, Steve shares his experiences and the lessons he has learned along the way. Embracing Differences in Raising Sons and Daughters Steve starts by highlighting the differences he observed in raising his son, Simon, and his daughters, Gianna and Shay. He emphasizes that each child is unique, showcasing distinct interests and needs. As a coach, Steve acknowledges the importance of engaging with his children's individual passions, even if they differ from his own. He underlines the significance of being a playful father, actively participating in activities that resonate with his daughters, thus fostering a supportive and understanding environment. Parental Presence and One-on-One Time The significance of one-on-one time with each child resonates throughout Steve's narrative. Given the demands of a coaching career and the challenges of raising four children, finding dedicated time for each child becomes essential. Steve emphasizes both physical and emotional presence, acknowledging that being mentally and emotionally available for his children is as important as being physically present. He shares the value of carving out time for individual interactions, aiming to create meaningful connections and memories with each of his children. The Impact of Strong Family Foundations An essential aspect of Steve's journey as a father is the strong foundation built within his family. He recognizes the immense support and understanding of his spouse, highlighting the significance of effective communication and shared responsibilities. Steve acknowledges the mutual respect and cooperation between partners, emphasizing the importance of showing love and support in front of their children. By fostering a strong marital relationship, he aims to provide his children with a positive example of love, understanding, and collaboration. Work-Life Balance and Role Modeling Balancing a demanding career in coaching with family life presents unique challenges, particularly during the football season. Steve discusses the importance of disconnecting from work-related responsibilities upon returning home, ensuring undivided attention towards his family. He underscores the significance of being emotionally available for his children, setting an example by expressing his emotions and demonstrating a respectful, loving relationship with his spouse. Lessons from Steve: Presence and Love Steve's journey as a father is a testament to the power of love, presence, and understanding. His experiences and insights exemplify the vital role that fathers play in shaping their children's lives. Through his dedication to being present, fostering individual connections, and promoting a strong familial foundation, Steve encapsulates the essence of fatherhood, serving as an inspiration for dads navigating similar paths. As fathers, the lessons learned from Steve Steele's journey serve as guiding principles, emphasizing the significance of establishing strong relationships, fostering individual connections, and prioritizing presence and love in creating a nurturing environment for children. Steve's wisdom allows us to embrace the joys and challenges of fatherhood, reminding us that love, understanding, and presence are pivotal elements in nurturing and raising children to become strong, independent individuals. In conclusion, the wisdom imparted by Steve Steele provides invaluable insights into the multifaceted journey of fatherhood, inspiring fathers to navigate this path with love, dedication, and a profound commitment to being present for their children. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to have a conversation with you, to sit down with you, to the Walk with you on this path that you're on to raise those strong, independent women that you want your daughters to become in the future. And every week, It is definitely such a great opportunity for me to be able to work with you on this journey because all of our journeys are just a little bit different. The way that we father is different, and that's okay. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:55]: There's not one right way to father. We learn that every week through the people that come on the show, and I hope that you learn it from the dads that you are talking to in your own communities And that you talk to on a daily basis because it is important to have community, to build community, to the Create that community for yourself. Now every week, I love being able to have different guests on the show that are walking this journey in a little bit different way. And this week, we got another great guest with us. Steve Steele is with us today, and Steve is a father of 4. He's a teacher. He's a coach. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:32]: He's doing a lot of different things, and his football team just won the championships in, in North Dakota. So we're excited about that as well. And we're gonna be talking to him about the journey that he's been on with his kids, and I'm really just excited to have him here today. Steve, thanks so much for being here today. Steve Steele [00:01:51]: Thanks for having me on. Always great to talk about parenting and, you know, how we can make our daughters' lives as good as they can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:57]: Well, I really appreciate you being here. And first and foremost, I know you have 4 kids and I love the the show by being able to turn the clock back in time. And so I wanna turn the clock all the way back to that first moment that you found out you're going to be a dad To a daughter. What was going through your head? Steve Steele [00:02:12]: I didn't find out until she was born. We didn't find out on any of our 4 kids. We had our our boy, Simon, first. He's 6 now. And then, our second one was was Gianna, and, you know, we we actually were kinda stressing about names. You know, we had 2 boys' names picked out when we got married, and we had no girls' names. So, so it was Kind of one of those, soon as they told us it was a girl, and then we met her, then, we kinda had to figure out a name. So we ended up going with Gianna, and we loved that name, and then we and we obviously Steve Steele [00:02:39]: Loved her ever since. And then, same thing on that third one then, with Shay. Shay's our our 2nd daughter, and then ended up with Seth as our 4th, our little boy. So we've got Boy, girl, girl, boy. And, you know, like I said, it's it's never been so much of a preparation in terms of it being a girl or a boy because we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. We just the a healthy baby, and, we're blessed to have 4 of them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:01]: So as you said, 4 kids. You started with a boy, 2 girls, a boy. Talk to me about what you've learned along the way and some of the differences you've seen in going the From being a dad to a son to then being a dad to 2 daughters and now a son again. So what have you had to do differently in the way that you father As you became a father to a daughter. Steve Steele [00:03:26]: I think, honestly, this is one of those things where your 1st kid and I think everyone kinda says this. Your 1st kid, you're You're trying to be ultra prepared in all these things, and then, yeah, you have the 1st kid and kinda regardless boy or girl, you those books don't really tell you a whole lot once you you're faced with, raising this kid. And and, you know, I think that was a really good thing for us to understand was that, hey, you know, no matter how well you prepare, the You you can't be fully prepared to to drive home from the hospital with that beautiful baby, and then going into having a daughter, you know, everything was just Little bit different. You know, I think baby wise, I don't know that there's people that'll say it's one way. It's it's a little easier to sleep or not easier to the based off of boy or girl. I don't know that we found that. Steve Steele [00:04:05]: But, you know, once they kinda got into that playful age, you know, once they get into the the 2 year olds and stuff like that, then it it's definitely been a little bit different. So I think our boy, obviously, way more right into sports wanting to be like dad and do all these things, and our our the was way more into princesses and everything else. And as a coach, being able to embrace that side and not just be like, well, no. You know, we're only gonna do this, the You know, I'm gonna go play with Simon because I like sports more, which, obviously, I like sports more than princesses, but but still being able to to just go and be the playful dad and and and do the the that she enjoys doing. I think that's been the hardest and most important part to keep tabs on, I think, as you get older. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:43]: It is important. It's important to be able to the Be engaged in the things that, as you said, your kids are really excited about. And it may not be the things that you're excited about, But you can get them to be excited about the things that you're excited about in many different ways. And as you said, the Being a father makes you push yourself in many different directions, and you should be pushing yourself to be able to be engaged in that way. The Now you talked about the fact that your daughter does enjoy some of the girl things, some of the, you know, the Barbies or the dolls, the princess aspects, You know, things like that. But each of your kids is completely unique. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:21]: Talk to me about how you've had to work the To develop those unique relationships with each of your children. Also, the fact that you have a role where, the Especially during the fall, you're gonna be really busy. So how do you build those unique relationships to make sure that your kids know the That you are engaged and you are connected to them individually versus collectively. Steve Steele [00:05:46]: That's honestly been one of the biggest Challenges, I guess, as we've had. 1 from 1 to 2, and 2 to 3, and 3 to 4 is finding that kind of 1 on 1 time. You know, I think everybody the In the mornings, it's mayhem. Everyone's running around, getting dressed, and all that, and bedtime can be kinda similar. So I think finding the times to do things that she likes to do, and, you know, with our 2 year old Shay now, kinda she's starting to get to that age where we're looking to do things that she likes to do now too, you know, because she can have her own interest At this point and then just finding the time to to do them whether or not you wanna do them. You know, I think that's a a common parent thing where you get so tired, obviously, with babies, Especially where you're used to not sleeping, and you obviously got your jobs and all that, where it can be tempting to just get home and and wanna relax, And kinda try and shut the kids out and be like, no. No. I'm tired. Steve Steele [00:06:30]: I wanna do this, or I need to do that. And really just putting that aside and putting the kids first and doing whatever it is that they wanna do Because ultimately, that's how they're gonna know you care and that you love them because you're, you know, the I think they probably still understand. Okay. He's tired. Maybe he had a bad day at work or whatever else. If you're willing to put that aside and and and do what the kids wanna do, then they're gonna understand that you love them and care for them and and ultimately that they're important in your life. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:53]: So one of the things that I'd be interested in learning a little bit more about for you is as you you you did start with a son. You've moved into being a father of 2 daughters. And what have you found so far has been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Steve Steele [00:07:10]: I think the hardest part in a lot of ways is Probably, you know, when they choose things, it it is I mean, again, I I like the Disney movies. My Little Pony is a is a very big favorite of the girls right now, and Super Kitties. And And there are just some shows where I mean, it's it's hard to to want to be interested in some of them. And, you know, the books, we're really big readers, you know, with our family. I think that the Both are that was another big thing that my wife and I were very important on is trying to make sure that they've read a 1,000 books by kindergarten. They have a program here at our local library that all of our the Kids have now done. And then, you know, it really allows you to learn what they like and kinda see the different interests that they have through what books they choose at the library. Steve Steele [00:07:48]: And My Little Pony's just kinda been one, and, Fancy Nancy is another one where the girls really, really enjoy those, and, you know, obviously, again, it's you you read sportsbooks or my son's into Star Wars, and Those are a little bit easier for me to get into when you're reading to them, but really just diving in and and making it being goofy, being silly, and And and kinda making sure that you're having just as much fun reading those books can be a challenge at times. So finding the ways to to kinda let yourself out of that box of What you feel like you might enjoy, and and just being goofy and and having fun with the girls the way that they need to have fun too is is been a challenge, but it's something that I think's Been very rewarding for for both myself and my daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:26]: Now as a coach, in a lot of ways, you are a mentor, you are a dad To many other people in many different ways and how you have to work with the people on your team to be able to get them to the Accomplish what you're hoping for them to accomplish and to work together. How has being a coach helped you In the way that you father. Steve Steele [00:08:50]: You know, I would almost argue it's the opposite in that, you know, really having kids has has made me a better coach. Just in that sense that, you know, I think the the the schematic side of of coaching is is something that you're gonna get from from playing that sport or whatnot, and obviously, from your coaching mentors and all that kind of stuff. But, you know, when you have your own kids and and you You have that love and that caring that it's you really can't understand until you have your own. I mean, then all of a sudden when you're coaching kids, you're you're coaching other peoples. You know that what they love, and they've loved forever, and will love forever. And I think that really kinda changed my my mentality of a lot of ways, and I think that's changed, the My philosophy of coaching a little bit just in that sense that it does make you really focus on the person first, and focus on the good kids and giving them the experience that I would want for my own kids. And, you know, I think that my kids are are fortunate. Steve Steele [00:09:37]: They get to be around the team a lot. You know, all season long, they they're ending up at practice the here and there. One's at one thing, then the rest will be at practice or or vice versa. And the the kids love having them around, and I think it goes both ways in the sense that they also See me being a dad, and understand that, hey, I'm a football coach, but right now my kids are here, and we're not just gonna leave them, and they're gonna be equally as involved as the everybody else because they're here right now, and, you know, some of the the kids do great jobs having fun with our kids, you know, whenever they're at practice, and managers do an awesome jobs with the kids. And the All of our other coaches have kids too, and a lot of them are at practice. So it's a very family friendly atmosphere and, you know, something that I hope benefits the kids as they Obviously, graduate, go on, and and then have families of their own, but also something that I think really benefits our own kids. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:22]: Let's talk a little bit more about the That life work balance because I think that that's challenging for many dads. And as I said, you're a busy guy. You've got a lot of things going on, especially during the football season. And, you know, you're gonna be pulled away from your family in many different ways. And with kids being young, that's not always an easy thing to understand. So Talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to have that balance, to be engaged in that way that you want to be engaged even when you're being pulled away the In that fall term where you're in that football season. Steve Steele [00:10:54]: Yeah. You know, I think this is probably the most important thing, and by no means am I remotely perfect on this. I know I can always be better But, you know, finding ways to disconnect from your phone. I mean, I think that's a huge and important thing where, you know, especially, again, in the coaching world that you're gonna go home, and you're gonna get text From parents and kids and players and coaches and everybody else with questions, some of them are important questions that that need to be answered, some of them are not. I think the the most important thing that we we're trying to do is just put that phone on do not disturb until the kids go to bed. Whenever I get home, it's, you know, hey. This is their time. I've no my time at work. Steve Steele [00:11:26]: I've spent my time at practice. So the kids are gonna go to bed at 7:30, 8 o'clock. They're still young. So if you get home at 6, the giving them that dedicated 2 hours is important. You don't want them to see them for the 2 hours a day that you get to see them where they're seeing you on your phone. So really just making sure that when I am home, the My attention is on them. And like we said, we're trying to find the 1 on 1 time. You know, usually, we kinda let 1 of them stay up after bedtime of the rest of them to kinda spend some of that 1 on 1 time Steve Steele [00:11:51]: Just so that we do get some every week, but, you know, otherwise then once they're all in bed and everyone's happy, then you can try and get back to the phone and and answer some of those questions if they're there. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:00]: Talk to me a little bit about a lot of times this goes down to this goes down to the fact that you have to have a strong foundation the in your family to be able to support your kids and allow for your kids to be able to see that strong foundation too. You talk about the fact that you and your wife are working hard to be able the connect and to help your kids to be strong, but you've got young kids. And having young kids definitely can cause a lot of stress too. And while you're trying to create those strong relationships with your own daughters, you also have to maintain a strong relationship the Inside your family with your significant other. So what have you had to do to be able to maintain that strong relationship with your spouse even when it's stressful, When you're busy, you're being pulled out. When you've got the demands of 4 kids that are all needing something a little bit different. Yeah. Steve Steele [00:12:52]: I mean, first and foremost, I mean, my wife's a champ. I mean, she's Know the right way to describe it, but nothing would function...
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Growing Together: Nurturing Mental Health and Creating Special Moments with Daughters
04/01/2024
Growing Together: Nurturing Mental Health and Creating Special Moments with Daughters
Being a father is a journey full of joy, challenges, and growth. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomed guest , a father of two, to discuss the unique experiences and challenges of raising daughters. Their heartfelt conversation touched on various aspects of fatherhood, including creating special moments, balancing work and family, mental health, and nurturing unique connections with each child as they grow. Let's explore some of the key takeaways and insights shared in this insightful episode. Creating Special Moments and Individualized Experiences Tim Cox emphasized the importance of spending quality time with his 8-year-old daughter, especially with the arrival of her 3-year-old brother. He and his partner make a conscious effort to create separate and special experiences for each child, recognizing their individual needs and interests. This highlights the significance of fostering unique connections with each child and ensuring that they feel valued and cherished. Engaging in activities that resonate with each child, such as playing games, being inspired by educational shows like Bluey, and sharing a love for music and creativity, plays a pivotal role in strengthening the bond between father and daughter. These shared experiences lay a strong foundation for building trust, communication, and lasting memories. It's a testament to the power of quality time spent with children, nurturing their emotional well-being and overall development. Balancing Work and Family The challenges of balancing work and family are a common concern for many fathers. Tim and Dr. Christopher acknowledged the difficulty of managing professional responsibilities while prioritizing family time. Tim, who works in social media for a university, expressed his struggles with finding a balance and not missing out on creating memorable moments with his daughter. This resonates with many fathers who strive to provide for their families while also being actively engaged in their children's lives. It underscores the need for open communication with employers, setting boundaries, and making intentional choices to foster a harmonious work-life balance. Nurturing Emotional Well-Being and Mental Health Tim Cox's candid discussion about his daughter's anxiety and his own experiences with seeking help for depression sheds light on the importance of addressing mental health within the family dynamic. His openness in discussing anxiety and therapy with his daughter demonstrates the value of normalizing conversations around emotional well-being and seeking professional support when needed. Moreover, Tim's journey towards seeking help for his mental health highlights the courage and resilience required to navigate personal challenges while also fulfilling the responsibilities of fatherhood. By sharing his experiences, Tim exemplifies the strength in vulnerability and the impact of prioritizing mental wellness for himself and his family. Evolving Connections with Growing Children As children grow, their needs, interests, and levels of independence evolve. Dr. Christopher emphasized the ongoing parental relationship as children mature, emphasizing the significance of adapting to these changes and nurturing evolving connections. Tim's shared experience of deciding whether to prioritize his daughter's emotional distress over work underscores the nuanced decisions fathers face as they support their children's emotional well-being. This highlights the importance of being present, empathetic, and responsive to the dynamic needs of growing children. Embracing Imperfections and Collective Learning Tim's advice to other fathers to acknowledge their imperfections and learn from others reflects the humility and willingness to grow as a parent. Fatherhood is indeed a collective learning experience, and the willingness to seek guidance, connect with other fathers, and learn from different perspectives enriches the journey of raising empowered daughters. In conclusion, "Dads with Daughters" continues to provide valuable insights and resources for fathers, encouraging them to embrace the joys and challenges of parenthood. Tim Cox's thoughtful reflections and experiences highlight the significance of creating special moments, navigating work-life balance, prioritizing mental health, nurturing unique connections with growing children, and fostering a collective approach to parenting. As fathers engage in these conversations and embrace the journey of fatherhood, they play an integral role in shaping the lives of their daughters and creating enduring bonds built on love, support, and understanding. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, the Raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to Talk to you to be on this journey alongside of you. Because as I've told you many times, I've got 2 daughters myself, and I the feel like I'm learning something every day, and I know that you have the same type of path that you're on. And we're at different phases in our daughters' lives, but that doesn't mean we can't learn from each other and we can't support each other along the way. That's why every week I love being able to sit down with you to be able to talk about issues that are sBeing a father is a journey full of joy, challenges, and growth. In a recent episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomed guest Tim Cox, a father of two, to discuss the unique experiences and challenges of raising daughters. Their heartfelt conversation touched on various aspects of fatherhood, including creating special moments, balancing work and family, mental health, and nurturing unique connections with each child as they grow. Let's explore some of the key takeaways and insights shared in this insightful episode.ometimes the Ones that are not that easy to handle or not that easy to talk about, but sometimes they're lighter issues or things that the We all just deal with in everyday life, but we kinda struggle through it. And I think it's important to Talk about these things to be able to have honest conversations about them so that we can normalize it the And allow for all of us to know that that it's okay. It's okay to talk about these things, to be able to the Engage with other dads about these things, and that's why every week I love being able to bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that have gone through either being a father to a daughter or have other resources or things that they are doing to support dads. Because we have to be able to ask for the help that we need when we need it, and that's why it's so important that we have these every week. This week, we got another great guest with us. Tim Cox is with us. Tim is a father of 2, and we are gonna be talking about Being a dad to a daughter and what that's been like for him. I'm really excited to have him on. Tim, thanks so much for being here today. Tim Cox [00:02:14]: . Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be on this. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:17]: Now I will be honest and say that Tim has been a part of the fathering together family for many years. He was one of the the Initial people that was part of our leadership team and helping us with our Facebook communities, helping us with our videos, and helping us to Doc. To really amp up the way in which we were telling our story, so I am excited that we that I'm finally getting him on the show. The And 1st and foremost, Jim, one of the things that I love doing is turning the clock back in time, and I wanna go all the way back to that the moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: What was going through your head? Tim Cox [00:02:50]: I think I was scared. My daughter is the 8 years old now. I just turned 44 2 days ago. So I was you know, we waited a little later in life. I was 36, I guess, And I was nervous. My wife and I had decided that we weren't going to have children, and we were kind of enjoying our younger days with that. The And then we sort of you know, we had our nieces, and then they started to grow up. Tim Cox [00:03:14]: And then we were like, okay. You know, maybe we do want kids. And so we decided to have a Dyle, and it was definitely nerve wracking. I was trying to read every book I could find. I was trying to find everything . Possible every resource, talking to people. It was it was a a wild time. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:32]: It definitely can be a wild time, especially the As you said, you know, there's no one right way to father, and there's lots of books out there. There's lots of resources out there that you can turn to and other dads that you can turn to as well. Now you talked about having some fear at the beginning of having your daughter. The What would you say has been or is your biggest fear in raising your daughter? Tim Cox [00:03:57]: Well, I'll go with my my first fear first after she was born, And we were getting ready to leave the hospital, and I carried the car seat upstairs. And I was like, how do I put this tiny thing the in this car seat and secure it safely. And the hospitals were like, well, we can't really help you with this because they wanna make sure that they're backed the up in case there was some kind of accident or anything, so they play it safe. And I remember that was we did all the parenting classes and everything like that, and the That was the first thing that I was like, we didn't talk car seats in the parenting class. This fluffy little kid with the big outfit and stuff on, like, how do we Titan and, you know, the car seat enough, and is this hurting the child and all this stuff. And, you know, at that point, I didn't realize that, like, you don't want anything puffy. Like, you know, my kids the Still don't use jackets and car seats. Tim Cox [00:04:48]: And so it was all those kind of things. That was, like, the first fear of being a dad or the first, the like moment of confusion. And I remember I was quickly YouTubing videos to try and see what to do with this car seat. And then but when I look at, like, the Big picture. I want to make sure that my daughter and I have a 4 year old son, almost 4 year old son also, the And I wanna make sure that they grow up to be good people, and I wanna make sure that they grow up caring about other people. And that's my biggest fear is what if I'm not doing enough to give them the tools they need to do that. And I think I believe I am doing enough for that, but that's the Probably my biggest fear in life is just what should I be doing better for my kids to make sure that they have everything they need to succeed? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:37]: So I think one of the things that many dads struggle with is, like you said, you want to raise kids that are kind, that give back, that are doing things the To allow for them to be a part of society in many different ways. Talk to me about what you are doing or the have done to be able to Tim Cox [00:05:58]: do just that. I think we try and read a lot of books that show strong female figures in the books, And we try and have our kids get them give them experiences that put them to give them the ability. Learn about the future and learn what it is to help people and you know? So I think those are, like, the kind of things that we do the most, But still that leaves you to that, am I doing enough? What could I do more? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:24]: And that's never an easy thing to know is the impact that that what you're doing now the And what that impact is going to be 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now. But the little things that you do the Step by step where you may not see an impact right away. You're setting the seed and you're letting it grow. And I think that that's the What's so important for fathers to do is to be consistent and to continue to do the things that you're hoping that they will do in the future. By doing that, as I said, it's planting that seed and it's allowing that to take root. And then as you said, reading books or other things, great concepts, great ideas. Now you now have 2 kids. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:06]: You have a son and a daughter. And with each of your kids, you have to be able to do what You Can to build those unique relationships because each child is very different. Not only do they have different ages and different stages that they're at, That need different types of bothering in many different ways. What are you doing to be able to build that strong relationship the With your daughter. Tim Cox [00:07:30]: I try and I try and do things with her, and I think that's really important to do. There's a lot of the jealousy comes in, especially she's 8. He's 3. She had a long time with just mom and dad Until he came around, we would decided we only wanted 1 child for the longest time, and then we were like, well, maybe we'll have a second one. The And that's how, you know, there ended up being a spread out, which I think is the greatest thing is having that spread because she can be you know, help teach him also. So the things I'm teaching her, she's then teaching him. But, you know, we really want to try and make her feel special. Tim Cox [00:08:12]: So I'll take her somewhere to something that I won't take him. I'll do it during nap to make it easy. My partner does the same. She'll take our daughter to something. I think she's taking her roller skating tonight, and I'll stay home with Jude, my son. And, you know, so I think the big thing is trying to the Separate time and build out time for them to have you as just you. Tim Cox [00:08:36]: So they're not this the forgotten child or they don't become jointed with their sibling at all times so that they still feel special to you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:45]: And are there Specific things that you and your daughter love to do together that are special just for the 2 of you? Tim Cox [00:08:52]: Yeah. We do. We both play a lot of Silly games. Even just the game Marco Polo typically done in a pool. We play in our driveway. The She always cheats, but it's okay. Suddenly, you know, she'll, like, well, they all freeze, and then you have to, like, walk towards the person with your eyes closed. And somehow, she the Always finds me, and she just says I'm bad at it. Tim Cox [00:09:14]: But we do stuff like that. You know, she loves playing. One of her favorite shows is the show Bluey, which the is one of my favorite shows too, and I think every parent of a young child that's watched that show loves that show because it's so real. The And we play games from that show that we learn, like Shadowlands, where you can only step on shadows, and we go for walks around the block. She really likes the music, and we've played guitar together. She's not quite there of knowing what she's playing, but she likes to the Make it up, and she likes to make up lyrics to songs. And me being a musician, and I've played in Torden bands and played in bands the My whole life up until the pandemic, basically, was when I kind of took a break from music. You know, it's fun to see that creativity from her the where we have just like a little kid drum set, and she will sit at it and start playing. Tim Cox [00:10:08]: And sometimes, like, that is a perfect drum beat. The So we have these kind of, like, little things that that we can share that Jude, my son, isn't quite at the age to the Be able to I mean, he bangs on the drums, and he actually does decently on drums too. But he's obviously a 3 year old little tornado running around. The So, you know, my daughter and I, we love to kinda do all these things together that's just kind of us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:36]: It is important, especially when you have kids that Door. Vastly different in ages, and there is that gap. As you said, your daughter had you in her life first, So being able to make sure that there's not animosity there, and we had the same we didn't have as large of a gap, but between our oldest and our youngest, . There always was a little bit of separation, a little bit of animosity that was there that our oldest ended up Dom. Losing that 1 on 1 time in her mind in some aspect, even though we still did many things together just the Between her and us, but it does make a difference, and you have to work hard in that regard. And being a dad is never easy. What would you say has been the hardest Darts. For you in being a father to a daughter. Tim Cox [00:11:23]: I think the hardest part is probably trying to balance work and life the and time with her. Work obviously takes up a lot of time. Days, I feel like, you know, from morning when I make her breakfast . When I, like, kiss her good night at 9, it's the entire day is is done, and we're kinda running around, and there's all sorts of activities. . So I think it's finding ways to chisel out time to spend is important, and I'm not the best the At work life balance where I do social media for university, and I am sitting there and I will the host things at night, like, 11 o'clock at night. And I'm don't always have the best ability to just, like, turn off and be with the the family at all times, but I'm I really try hard to do that. And I think a lot of dads have that same issue, and I think we're all Doc. Tim Cox [00:12:20]: Kind of in the same boat, and a lot of times we'll, you know, act like we're always able always there, you know, because everyone puts the best the Image forward on social media, but we're all in kind of the same thing saying, like, okay. Did I do something with my daughter today? Did I give her a the special moment that she will remember. And I think the biggest thing I try and do is just make sure that that exists. For example, she gave me a book the For my birthday, we celebrated it last night because girl scouts was the night before. So I waited a day for my birthday, and she gave me a book of the top ten reasons I have the best dad. The And the book is adorable, and it shows all sorts of things like I love you because you help me when I get hurt. The And she drew a little picture of me putting a Band Aid on her. She loves when I play with her, and the picture was me as a horse on the ground with her jumping on top of me and the Riding me around. Tim Cox [00:13:14]: And these are the kind of things that I do, and a lot of times I'm very tired, but I'm like, there's gonna be a day that she doesn't wanna play. And one of the saddest things to think about and I carry her around all the time, and she's 8 and I'm £65, and I'm carrying her everywhere I go the When I can or I put her on my shoulders or any of those kind of things. Because as dads, we have to realize there is going to be a day. That you put your child down, you put your daughter down, and you never pick her up again. And it's heartbreaking to think of that. And I can't even . Imagine that day coming, but it's getting closer and closer that she still wants me to comfort her. Tim Cox [00:13:56]: She's daddy's little girl, and it drives my partner Crazy sometimes because she's always like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. But I'm loving it, and I'm trying to just remember that I need to make the Time for this because I don't know when that time is over. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:14]: And it will be over before you know it or at least I'm not gonna say completely over. You're not gonna be able to carry your child eventually because, you know, they do get the Larger, and it becomes a...
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Parenting with Grace: Dan Rose's Approach to Raising Daughters
03/25/2024
Parenting with Grace: Dan Rose's Approach to Raising Daughters
In a special episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, guest joins host Christopher Lewis for a heartfelt conversation about the beautiful and sometimes challenging journey of fatherhood. As fathers to daughters, they share their wisdom and personal experiences, offering valuable insights on building strong, independent relationships with their children. This episode is a reminder that fatherhood is an ongoing journey of growth, grace, and understanding. The Initial Fear and Ongoing Love: Dan Rose vulnerably shares his initial fears and uncertainties when he found out he would be a father to a daughter. Like many fathers, he worried about being overprotective or not doing a good enough job in raising his daughter. This honest admission resonates with many dads, highlighting the common fear of not being able to provide and protect our children adequately. However, as Dan and Dr. Lewis attest, this fear is often replaced by a love that grows and evolves throughout the different stages of a daughter's life. The Unique Bond and Shared Activities: As the conversation unfolds, Dan Rose emphasizes the special bond and shared activities between him and his daughter. It's heartwarming to hear how, despite initial differences, they found common ground through shared interests in pop culture and TV shows, particularly during the challenging time of the lockdown in March 2020. This emphasizes the importance of staying open-minded, adaptable, and finding ways to connect with our children, especially during difficult circumstances. Teaching Gratitude and Building Foundation: A significant takeaway from this conversation is the importance of teaching gratitude and being thankful for what children have from a young age. Dan acknowledges that building a foundation of gratitude in childhood allows for more freedom and less overreaction in parenting during middle and high school years. This essential parenting aspect reminds us of the significant impact that instilling values of appreciation and mindfulness can have on a daughter's development. Responding with Grace and Vulnerability: Dan's emphasis on responding to his children with grace, understanding, and vulnerability rather than judgment or discipline, is a vital aspect of nurturing strong father-daughter relationships. This echo from Dr. Christopher Lewis aligns with the podcast's focus on embracing grace and vulnerability in fatherhood. It's a reminder that by being open, empathetic, and willing to embrace our vulnerabilities as fathers, we can foster trust, openness, and resilience in our daughters. Initiating Honest Conversations and Building Trust: The importance of treating daughters with respect and initiating honest conversations to strengthen the relationship cannot be understated. Dan encourages fathers to respond with love, listen, and learn from their daughters, fostering a relationship built on trust, respect, and understanding. This highlights the significance of creating an environment where daughters feel heard, valued, and supported. Moreover, it emphasizes the role of fathers in providing a safe space for open, honest conversations with their daughters. Conclusion: In this deeply insightful and emotionally resonant episode, ' Dan Rose and Dr. Christopher Lewis remind us that fatherhood is a journey of grace, gratitude, and vulnerability. By embracing these qualities and nurturing open, loving relationships with our daughters, we can empower them to grow into strong, resilient individuals. This episode serves as a powerful testament to the enduring bond between fathers and daughters, and the profound impact of intentional, empathetic parenting. In this episode, Dan Rose's vulnerability and Dr. Christopher Lewis's thoughtful insights offer an invaluable roadmap to fathers everywhere on the profound and transformative journey of raising daughters. Through these conversations, we can glean wisdom and solidarity that enriches our own journeys as fathers. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. The Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you and talk with you about the journey that you're on and really the Go on this journey with you because as you know, I've got 2 daughters myself, and you never stop parenting. You never stop being a father, the And you're gonna continue to learn because the different phases of life that your kids are in are gonna push you in many different ways, ways that you the Right now are probably not even expecting, or if you are older and have kids that are older, you may be looking back and saying, oh, I wish I would have known. The And you could give some good advice too. But I love being able to to sit down, talk to you, have you listen every week because Doug. It is a journey, and it is something that we all can work on to become better at, to just like anything that we do. And by being able to listen to others, to learn from others, and be open to being vulnerable in many different ways and being open to learning and trying new things, you will be able to be that engaged dad that you wanna be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:37]: This week, we got another great guest with us today. Dan Rose is with us, and Dan is a father of 2. He's got both a son and a daughter. We're gonna be talking about his Dog. His experience as a dad of daughters. He is a pastor of a network of house churches and works to Bring his ministry all over Southeast Michigan and works with a number of different communities as well. Dog. So I'm really excited to have him here. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:04]: I've known him for many years, and I'm really excited to be able to talk with him today. Dan, thanks so much for being here today. Dan Rose [00:02:10]: I am glad to be here, man. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:12]: I'm excited to have you here as well. And one of the first things that I always do and love to do is turn the Doc. Back in time. And you've got 2 kids now that are grown and flown. They are older now and out of the house and doing their next the The thing is they are preparing for their journey into adulthood. When you think back to the very beginning and you go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a the Father to a daughter. Dan Rose [00:02:39]: What was going through your head? Abject fear. That was was the first thing. To be our son was born first, and I grew up with the 2 younger brothers, and so figuring out how to be a dad to a son seemed pretty straightforward. And, when we found out we were having a daughter, That was scary. And and yet it was also kind of the sense of just what an honor That it was gonna be to raise a daughter and thinking about what it would mean to be a daddy as opposed to just a dad. And Shortly after Libby was born, Amy was working with college. Amy, my wife, was working with with college students, and She wanted me to to write a little thing for these girls in her bible study about what does it mean to raise a daughter, to be a girl dad, which wasn't a phrase at the time. So for me, it was the this this idea of of being a daddy and being being someone who would be able to take strength and the Give it to my daughter so that as she moved out in this world, that she would be as strong as my son and be able to hold her own because, boy, this world is it's just hard, and it's particularly hard, I think, for women. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:49]: Now you kind of touched on this just a little bit, but you also said that When you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, you were scared, there was fear. What would you say was or is your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Dan Rose [00:04:01]: I think one of my biggest Fears was being too protective, was overprotecting her, making her dependent on me in such a way that She felt like she was gonna have to go through this world needing a man or something along those lines. But then kind of the the the alternative of doing such a a the Poor job that she would not like men at all or that she would be not trusting of men or would fear men or would just have some sort of the Irrational relationship towards men. So kind of a double edged sword there on the fear thing. Too much and too little. Trying to figure out how do you stand on that razor's edge. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:41]: The Now as I said, your daughter now is older, and she has gone off to college and doing some different things. The And I guess as she went through those phases in her own development, as you went through those phases the Throughout her development and you think back to the fear that you said that you did have, how does that look different now that she left the house and gone to that next the phase of her life. Dan Rose [00:05:08]: Yeah. So she just finished her 3rd semester at Michigan State. And so for anyone that's not living under a rock, Last year, they at Michigan State had a campus shooter and knew people who were shot and killed, and her friends knew people. It was one of those things you never think you'd experience. And so now that and there was no way to protect her because she was an hour and 20 minutes from my house. I couldn't go rescue her. And Watching her handle a situation that none of us know how we're going to respond and watching her face that with courage, with a strength that I don't know if I would have. And then to see her move forward from that situation as the semester continued on and Dog. Dan Rose [00:05:55]: As she is continuing to grow, to see her just continue to press on with a tenacity and a strength that comes from a the Deep, deep place. And so as we walked through that whole thing with her last year, it became very clear that she was ready to take this world. And she was strong and resilient and has everything you need to succeed. So it has been fun. It's really been fun to see her to see her just Thrive now in light of of everything that's been going on. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:25]: It's so exciting to hear that. And, you know, I went through a similar thing this fall the When there was a shooter on the campus where my daughter is a freshman, and luckily, she did not know the 1 person that was the Shot and killed, but it still impacts, and you have to deal with that. And for us, you know, she's over 11 hours away. So as you said, you can't rescue. I definitely could not easily rescue, and she didn't need the rescuing either. She dealt with it in her own way and the Showed her resilience in that way, and I think all the students did. And but it's hard. It's hard to take that step back, the Take that and and know that they're on their own, and you wanna just hold them and be there for them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:14]: And I think the The only thing that we could do at the time was make sure she knew that and make sure that she knew that we were there for her and the Go from there and support her in any way that we could. Now one of the things that I am kind of interested in is that, you know, you have 2 children that are different. They're different ages. They have different interests. They're doing different things, and you build those unique bonds the With your children to be able to be engaged with them in many different ways. What is the favorite thing that you and your daughter like the or do that you share together. Dan Rose [00:07:51]: We struggled for a minute. When she was younger, we didn't have a lot of things in common. She is a girly girl, And one of my favorite stories about her is we were helping my mom was a teacher, and we were helping her do the annual move into your classroom bit. And so we're carrying things up the To the classroom, and Libby is taking a stuffed animal, a singular book. My mom says to her she was probably the 4 at the time. And so my mom says, Libby, you can carry more than that. Libby put her hands on her hips, and she said, mom, These arms are made for strapless dresses, not for carrying things. So it's like, okay. Dan Rose [00:08:30]: She did the dance thing. She she lived in a world that I did not understand at all, and quite honestly, a world that my wife didn't understand either. And so So fast forward to March 2020, and the whole world shuts down. And it was It was transformational in our in our relationship. She was a sophomore in high school, and then her and I all of a sudden Started spending every day together, all the time together, and we have discovered that we enjoy the same Similar TV shows. We enjoy a lot of the kind kind of pop culture stuff. So her and I, like, we bond over pop the culture and over kinda knowing who's who out in the Hollywood world and that kind of thing. And, you know, my wife and my son are just the clueless about it. Dan Rose [00:09:21]: They're like they have no idea what's going on. So Libby and I have these inside jokes. We can just and we laugh at Ethan and Amy all the time. The And, and so are there are few people in this world that I enjoy bantering with more than than my daughter. And her sense of comedic timing is just perfect. The She might be the funniest person that I know. And so, honestly, it's just spending quantity time with her because the more time We spend the more the conversation spirals and gets hilarious and and things just get more fun in every single conversation. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:56]: The I love that. And you probably know way more than I do when it comes to some of the pop culture stuff. Dan Rose [00:10:02]: I have to. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:02]: Well and that's just it is that I think that as a father, you the have to be willing to have some grace and know that you that your kids are not gonna always like the The things that you like, they're not going always going to do the same things that you're going to do. You're gonna connect with your kids in different ways. And the I know that you and I were talking before we started about the importance of grace. And when when I know that when you talk about Grace in parenting. It's not the same as grace in religion. So why don't you give me a definition? When you're talking about grace in parenting, why the Has Grace been so important for you as a parent? But first, let's define it, and then talk to me about how you have Incorporated that into the raising of your kids. Dan Rose [00:10:51]: It's funny. If we were having this conversation 10 years ago, 15 years ago, my answer to What is the definition of grace and parenting would be different than it is now? Now, really, once we kinda hit the middle school years Doubt. Was when this definition changed and kinda locked in for me. I would define grace in parenting as maintaining access, the Doing what is necessary to maintain access because it's it's at that time when they're 11, 12, 13 when they're pushing boundaries, when they're they're testing. They're trying to figure out, okay. We've had these rules as as little kids, and now we're we're not quite adults. Everything in their world is changing. Their friends are changing. Dan Rose [00:11:32]: Their bodies are changing. Their emotions are changing. Everything. Dog. And so now they start pushing and testing, and they're and they're separating themselves from us as mom and dad, which is healthy and good. And I see so Doug. Many folks during that time lose access to their kids because their kids break a rule or are disobedient or you know, they no longer are just trying to make mom and dad happy. They're trying to figure out what does their world look like the And how are they going to move through this world? And and so all of a sudden now, it's, I had to ground little Sally Bell. Dan Rose [00:12:11]: For 2 weeks, wouldn't let her see her friends for 2 weeks, took her phone away, all of these things. And so if someone was treating me like that, what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna give them the anymore. I'm gonna shut them out. And so when they got into that middle school, man, it became all about how do I how do we as mom and dad maintain our So that when when those important conversations need to be had, when those hard relationship things that are going on in middle school and high school the are happening that they're coming to talk to us and not going to another 12 year old or a 13 year old with all of their vast wisdom. Dan Rose [00:12:50]: I know. 12 13 year olds have all the answers and know all the things, but maybe maybe we know a little bit more. And so and so we wanted to do everything we could the to maintain access. Now how did that look? Oftentimes, that looked like us making a mistake and then the Apologizing to them for that mistake when we overreacted. It was very rarely that we underreacted. We pretty much always overreacted as parents. And so when we realized that we had overreacted, we would the Come in and apologize. And we would own our mistake as a as a parent in our overreaction, and we didn't do so in a way that the Still spun it back on them. Like, we left because, sure, our overreaction was probably almost always because they didn't do something right, but it still didn't Require the overreaction that we gave. Dan Rose [00:13:41]: And so when we would go in and and apologize and ask forgiveness for overreaction, we wouldn't tie it to their behavior at all. Dog. We owned our own behavior and simply asked for forgiveness of our own behavior in the way that we would want other people to come to us. We began to treat them as more and more as equals. And so now as a result, we have our son is the He's 22. Libby's 20, and our family chats and our texts are they're brutally honest and brutally open, and they hide nothing from us. They've never hidden. As far as we know, there's just there's not a lot that they hide from us. Dan Rose [00:14:19]: And I think about all of the things that we hid from our parents. Our kids haven't seemed to do that, and I think it's because we really sought to do whatever it took to maintain access in their lives. So we defaulted a lot to yes. Can I go to so and so's house to spend yes? Can so and so come to our house and spend the night? Yes. We didn't use grounding as a punishment, and we didn't use taking away their ability to the Connect with others as a form of punishment because we thought that is just critical to our lives as people. We tried to dive in and figure out doc. In those situations, what what was really going on? And a lot of that was grounded when they were 4, 5, 6, 7 years old. And so By the time they got to be 13, 14, 15, those lessons had been learned. Dan Rose [00:15:03]: And so, like, for instance, I think both our kids have had situations where they wanted a particular the thing. Right? Some toy. And we didn't have a lot of money when they were younger, and so we it would cost us to get them this particular toy or this the that they wanted, and then they would respond in the way that 3, 4, 5, 6 year olds would often respond to not having a lot of gratitude. And so instead of Losing our stuff, we would just take that toy back, put it up on the shelf, and say, hey. When you're grateful for this thing that you have, you can have it back. And it would take some time, but they learned that. Right? It was that deeper issue. It wasn't that they're necessarily being disobedient. Dan Rose [00:15:40]: They needed to learn gratitude. They needed to learn To be thankful for the things that they have. And so that one little lesson then translated out to when they were in middle school and high school, no And we didn't we didn't seem to have those same kinds of a lot of...
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Building Positivity: A Dad's Journey to Mentorship and Fitness
03/18/2024
Building Positivity: A Dad's Journey to Mentorship and Fitness
In a heartfelt and candid episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis engages in an inspiring conversation with , the owner of and a dedicated father. As Joe reflects on his journey as both a father and a mentor to middle school-aged children, he emphasizes the importance of perseverance, positivity, and building strong relationships. The discussion delves into Joe's personal struggles, triumphs, and the profound impact of leading by example in fatherhood and fitness. Mentoring and Building Relationships: Joe Martin sheds light on the pivotal role of mentoring, particularly with middle school-aged children, recognizing this age group's vulnerability and potential. He stresses the significance of trusted resources outside the home, like a coach, in connecting with kids and fostering meaningful relationships. Joe's emphasis on building relationships with children through shared activities and finding common ground underscores the powerful impact of positive mentorship. Fitness and Overcoming Challenges: As the owner of Relentless Positivity Fitness, Joe Martin's passion for fitness emanates from his experiences as an athlete, where he battled weight gain and injury during his football career. Through his own fitness journey, Joe not only overcame adversity but also redefined his identity. His journey serves as a testament to the transformative power of perseverance and the impact of modeling a healthy lifestyle for children. Personal Transformation and Resilience: Joe Martin's openness about his past struggles, including arrests and incarceration, offers a poignant insight into his journey of redemption and personal transformation. His determination to change his lifestyle, while initially centered on weight loss, ultimately led to a holistic transformation, reinforcing the importance of resilience in overcoming adversity. Parenting and Fatherhood: The conversation pivots to the challenges and triumphs of fatherhood, with Joe Martin eloquently articulating the emotional journey of watching his son embark on a new chapter at the Air Force Academy. Through his vulnerability, Joe emphasizes the importance of allowing children to fail, sharing personal struggles, and prioritizing one's spouse in parenting. His candid reflections resonated with Dr. Christopher Lewis and emphasized the depth of emotional investment inherent in fatherhood. The Power of Positivity and Community: Joe Martin's dedication to spreading positivity is not confined to fitness but permeates his podcast and book, both titled "." During the conversation, the significance of countering negativity with uplifting narratives and inspiring stories becomes evident. His book, combining personal experiences with lessons on fitness and back pain management, emphasizes flexibility and inspiration over rigid approaches—underscoring the value of a positive mindset. Fatherhood Insider and Community Engagement: Dr. Christopher Lewis invites dads to join the Fatherhood Insider, a valuable resource, and encourages involvement in the . This proactive approach seeks to foster a supportive environment where fathers can learn from each other's experiences, gaining insights and strengthening their roles as active participants in their daughters' lives. The engaging conversation with Joe Martin encompasses the profound impact of mentorship, fitness, and positive parenting. His journey from adversity to resilience, coupled with his unwavering dedication to fatherhood and positivity, serves as an inspiring example to all. By amplifying the importance of building strong relationships, personal transformation, and embracing a mindset of relentless positivity, Joe Martin's narrative resonates deeply with the mission of "Dads with Daughters" in promoting and empowering positive father-daughter relationships. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent Women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. You know, I've got 2 daughters. You've Got Daughters. We're on this fatherhood journey together, and we're doing the things that we can do to be able to be the best dads that we wanna be. And the That comes with work, that comes with some hard work, that comes through the days, the weeks, the months, the years that the You go side by side with your children to be able to help them to be the people that you're hoping that they become, and you don't have to do this alone. I've said that Numerous times, and I will continue to say it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:03]: There are so many other dads out there that are going through the same journey, And they struggle with very similar things, and they go about fatherhood in different ways. And that's why it's so important that we have these conversations, that we sit down, we Dog. Talk about it. We build a community for you to be able to meet other dads, learn from them because there's no one right way the father. There's many different ways that people do father, and you learn along the way. You learn as things change in your life, in your kids' life. And you can learn from the dads around you, but you can also learn from dads through things like this. That's why every week I love being able to Dog. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:42]: Talk with you, sit down with you, and bring you different guests with different perspectives, different experiences that can help You to think about fatherhood in a little bit different way. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Joe Martin is the owner of Relentless Positivity Fitness. He teaches in person as well as online classes. He's won several awards, including Huntsville's healthiest trainer, Huntsville's healthiest male. The Relentless Positivity Fitness was was just recently voted the best place in Huntsville to work out, and his book, the Relentless positivity hit the Amazon's bestseller list. Now we're gonna learn a little bit more about that, but he has a long journey of being a athlete and working in fitness and found also at one point, he was above 50 pounds overweight. And I I think all of us at one point in life can probably look at that and look at ourselves and say, are we where we wanna be, and how is that impacting us as men, But also how is that impacting us as fathers? And it's a it becomes a turning point for yourself, and it was a turning point for Joe too. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:47]: So I'm really excited to be able to to learn from him today, learn from him as a father. He's a father of a son who is just about to go off to the Air Force Academy, and he's gonna grow. He's gonna fly off the nest here to go and do go into the next phase of his life. Doug. So he is going through when I what I told you I was going through last year. So I'm really excited to talk to him, to learn from him, and to share him with you. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Martin [00:03:14]: Dog. I'm really excited to be here. We talked a little bit before we we started that there's no instruction manual when it comes to being a dad. So what you're doing is so important. Building strong dads out there that can build strong daughters Doc. It's so important. It kinda, you know, that old Frederick Douglass quote talked about it. It's it's much easier to build strong children than it is to fix or or repair a broken man or a Woman. Joe Martin [00:03:32]: I'm in the fitness world, so I've been training women exclusively for 15 years. And a lot of the stuff they're dealing with as adults goes back to childhood. What you're doing right now, helping people cut that off before it ever happens, man. It's so important. So I appreciate what you're doing out there. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:44]: So now I usually start with some conversations to talk about the What it was like to be a father of a daughter. You don't have that experience, but you do have a you were a father of a son. So talk to let's go back a little bit. Let's talk a little bit about that journey that you've been on the And what you've had to learn along the way. So let's turn the clock back. Your son is a senior in high school, and as you think back to that first moment, the first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father, what was going through Doug. Joe Martin [00:04:07]: Man, all the emotions. All of them. You think, oh my gosh. I'm not ready. I'm excited. I need to make more money. I need to be less busy. All these things are going through your head. Joe Martin [00:04:16]: Doc. You don't know what to expect. You know, anytime you you're doing something new, all the fear comes in. Also a lot of excitement, and I was really excited about being a dad. I had amazing parents growing up. So I kinda I got modeled that growing up. I was excited to give it a shot. And I was the 1st in my family to have a kid, man. Joe Martin [00:04:29]: So it's very exciting. I've got 2 brothers and 1 older, 1 younger. So I was, like, kind of the first one. So no one the They couldn't ask my brothers about us, you know, but I've got a lot of people around me that really helped me out. But mainly, it was just the overwhelming thing with excitement and gratitude, just be able to have this chance to be a dad. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:43]: Now fatherhood is never Always roses. It's not always easy. You go through peaks and valleys as you go along. Talk to me about Doc. What you had to go through as a father to be able to be the father that you wanted to be as you went through those peaks and valleys. Joe Martin [00:05:00]: I think a lot of it's, you had a previous guest Docs. Talking about watching your kids fail. How it's it's so hard to do, but man, it's so important. Even watching them hurt themselves. You know, when you tell them over and over, don't do that. Dog. Well, words mean one thing, actions mean another. You know, when they go and I tried to tell you and then you, you know, you touch the burning stove or whatever that version of that for your kid is. Joe Martin [00:05:19]: But That was one I'm just watching them fail. I mean, it's so tough. You wanna put them in this, you know, bubble wrap and send them out the world, and don't get hurt. Don't have to any challenges, but that's not the way the world works. Docs. And that's not how you grow, and that's not how you change. That was a tough lesson to learn. Also with, sports, like, you mentioned I was an athlete growing up. Joe Martin [00:05:35]: My son sports important to him. He's gonna go play Dault Air Force Academy. It's huge opportunity. But just looking back on his journey, when he first started getting a sport, he's telling me, oh, how good I was back in the day. Nobody cares about Dog. Right? Are you sure about how good you were? That doesn't mean anything to these kids. Tell them your struggles. Tell them that, hey, man. Joe Martin [00:05:51]: I had this coach that told me I would never play a down on varsity ever. Tell them I was scared the to death to go out of my 1st varsity game. I thought I was gonna throw up. You know, all these things that share your struggles. That's where they lean in and connect, and they say, oh, okay. Well, I struggle. I'm not very good at this yet. Joe Martin [00:06:06]: The I just started playing this. I don't wanna hear about how good you are. I'm terrible at this. I wanna hear that there's a chance that you struggled and you became better. I think as dads, you kinda wanna, back in the day, talk about how good you are and how you the Throw that football over a mountain back in your day. But if you can if you can share your struggles, I think that was a big lesson that I learned personally that, you know, they're gonna connect with that much more than they are. You talk about how good Door Stuff. And then just, hey, teaching them that your wife, their mother is the most important thing in their world. And you you do that by you modeling I'll tell Joe Martin [00:06:34]: Doc. Tell you this what. I had one of my mentors tell me one time that put your wife on a pedestal and see what child you raise. Put your wife down all the time and see what kind of a person he become. Doc. You could talk like I said, we talked about earlier. All these words are very important, but they can wanna wanna watch what you do with your actions. So if you, you know, put your wife up on a pedestal to show you how important she is, how the She loved all these things, and you continue to date your wife, love your wife, show what love a true relationship looks like. That's what they're gonna do. But if you go the other way, it's Docs. Joe Martin [00:07:00]: What they're gonna do as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:00]: So talk to me about the hardest part that you have found in being a dad to a son and just being a father in general. What's been the hardest part for you? Joe Martin [00:07:08]: I think the hardest part for me is coming Dog. He leaves. And he goes, he's the only child, man. This is, my wife and I's only child. We've been tight since day 1. And and just, you know, that Daily routine and just checking in and doing all these things. And our life pretty much revolves around what he does. His activities, hanging out with him, Doc. Joe Martin [00:07:24]: Seeing him and his girlfriend, what they're doing, going to church together, all these things. I mean, like, 3 fourths of our days revolves around, yo, what's he doing? Yo, man, what's he doing? What are we doing together? What's for dinner? That's a big one around here because he's a he's a big kid, man, so he's always eating. That's gonna be tough. That's what I like I said, our daily routines, his basketball games, his school, dude, his laundry. I'm I'm not gonna lie. I'm not I'm not ready for that one to go away, but there's a lot of thing. I think that's that one's coming up. He's been a pretty awesome kid growing up. Joe Martin [00:07:50]: Probably the ones I've I've shared before the biggest struggle, just watching him fail along the way and have watching him hurt, have his heart broken, you know, when his 1st girlfriend breaks up and those type of things are so hard to go through. Dog. I imagine this one coming up is gonna be big. When you're going through it right now, let me ask you. How's that going for you so far? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:03]: You know, it is different. We but we have 2 kids, so we still have 1 at home, but They both daughters are very different from one another. So my oldest was uber involved in everything. So just like your son, the We got involved in all the things that she did. Whereas my younger daughter is not involved as much Dog. In is involved in very few things that she gets involved in. And because of that, she is just a very different kid. And so There is a sense of loss when you as parents, when you start missing out on the The things that your kids used to do that you spent a lot of time doing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:47]: You have to get over it and you have to keep keep going. And just because they're Not there and not doing those things doesn't mean you can't go to the basketball games or to the you know, if they were in involved in marching band, go to the marching band competitions or Or other things like that, but it's just different. And you have to then adjust, and you have to look at the new normal. And I know it's gonna be very different when the youngest goes off to college, and then we are empty nesters per se. And you're only seeing them when they come home for Breaks or in between terms. I mean, your kid's gonna be going far away from home. My kid went about 11 hours away from home. Dom. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:27]: So we try to stay in contact through things like FaceTime or through weekly check ins, daily check ins, but we let her tell us the what the schedule needs to be and try not to push our agenda of wanting to talk to her. And I'm sure that pretty much every the Parent has to have that kind of a conversation. It has to be willing to let go and step back and be willing to let their kid fly a bit And then let them dictate how much or how little that they do communicate. I found that I was over communicating a little bit. The And my wife came to me and said, our daughter has said that you're sending too many things. And I said, that wasn't my intent. The I was just responding to what she was sending me. Well, she was responding to me because I was sending her something, but I was sending too much. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:20]: So I said, okay. I will step back. I won't say anything, and I will let her take the lead. And it's it's hard to do, Dog. But you have to do it. Joe Martin [00:10:31]: For sure. Yeah. That's what we're looking at. And then who are my wife and I when we don't have kids together? We have to kinda rekindle that and figure out what we look like together as a couple without the kids. So that's gonna be another Docs. When you go to Air Force Academy, you got 6 week to boot camp, 0 communications. That's gonna be something that we struggle with right there. And then he's gonna be super busy, Dog. Joe Martin [00:10:47]: That's part that's how it works. That's how it's supposed to work. Talk about flying out of the nest. That's how it's supposed to work. Right? You graduate high school. You're supposed to go be your own person, and Dog. Probably the best way. Just rip the Band Aid. Joe Martin [00:10:57]: Let's get it going. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:57]: That definitely is ripping off the Band Aid when they fly away and they go for the first time That far away, we had those conversations about you're not gonna be able to come home. You're not gonna be able to constantly be able to just leave for a weekend and take a trip back Because of the expense and the amount of time, and we may see you once or twice the in a term. And that becomes the reality when your child does go far away. But that happens even after they graduate from college or they go the Into the workforce, and they move away if they're not gonna be close to home, and then you have to deal with that too. And you're right, though. You do have to come to that new reality with your with your partner in life the To be able to figure out who you are again and hopefully along the time, along the years that you have been together, That you have built a strong foundation so that when all that time and all that effort that you have put into raising your the Child goes away, and I say go away. It's still there because you're always gonna be a parent, but it's different. And the house is much quieter, and the You're going to have to come up with that new normal so that you still connect and that you then have other things to connect on Outside of all of the effort and time and passion that you put into raising your child. Joe Martin [00:12:17]: I'm not gonna lie. I'm I'm kinda excited to see what it looks like. The My wife jokes around that she's just gonna adopt another basketball player. We'll do it all over again. And I've I've nixed that idea, but she's she might be serious. I'm not sure. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:26]: There's been some families that I know that after their child graduates or leaves, they may have exchange students, or they may do something else Doc. To fill that void, to be able to or or they get involved with mentoring, or they get involved in coaching, or they get involved in something else Doc. That still connects them with youth in different ways because of the void that they feel internally. Joe Martin [00:12:53]: Yeah. I get that. I've been working with kids for a while. Still end up Dom....
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David Samson on Fatherhood: Navigating Challenges and Supporting LGBTQ Youth
03/11/2024
David Samson on Fatherhood: Navigating Challenges and Supporting LGBTQ Youth
As the societal landscape continues to evolve, it's crucial for dads to have open conversations and seek understanding when it comes to supporting youth in the LGBTQIA+ community. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, , a father and advocate for LGBTQIA+ youth, shared his experiences and insights. From fatherhood to the work he does at , Samson shed light on the challenges, triumphs, and the importance of creating a supportive environment for LGBTQIA+ youth. In this blog post, we explore key takeaways from the conversation to provide guidance for dads looking to support their children and other LGBTQIA+ youth. Fatherhood: A Journey of Understanding and Acceptance Fatherhood is often described as a journey, and for David Samson, it’s a journey filled with unique challenges and triumphs. Samson emphasized the importance of creating a supportive community for fathers raising daughters and navigating the complexities of fatherhood. He underlined the significance of not parenting alone and highlighted the need for fathers to engage with other dads for support and guidance. For fathers of LGBTQIA+ youth, Samson’s perspective offers a valuable reminder that parenthood is an ongoing learning process. Each child’s journey is unique, and it’s crucial to provide unwavering love and support no matter what. Samson beautifully articulated the joy and challenges of being a father, touching on profound moments such as the first day his son went to school, demonstrating the emotional layers of parenthood. Supporting LGBTQIA+ Youth: Challenges and Opportunities When discussing his work at Time Out Youth, Samson highlighted the vital support they offer to LGBTQIA+ youth. From mental health services to housing support and community engagement, the organization serves as a beacon of acceptance and advocacy. The issues faced by LGBTQIA+ youth are complex and varied, ranging from homelessness to societal unacceptance. Samson discussed the challenges faced by trans and nonbinary youth, emphasizing the crucial need for understanding and support in today’s society. Through his insights, Samson underscored the impact of the recent years, including the COVID-19 pandemic, on LGBTQIA+ youth. The increased periods of isolation and trauma have highlighted the critical need for supportive environments and understanding from family and the broader community. Dads of LGBTQIA+ youth can leverage resources such as Time Out Youth and PFLAG to enrich their understanding and create safer, more supportive spaces for their children. Embracing Change and Acceptance An essential aspect of Samson’s narrative is the potential conflicts parents may encounter when their children come out. He emphasized the importance of choosing to support and believe in one’s child, even when it challenges long-held beliefs. Samson acknowledged the internal struggles but emphasized the necessity of prioritizing one’s child over preconceived beliefs. Dads in this situation can find solace in resources like PFLAG and Trevor Project, which offer guidance and support in navigating conversations and acceptance. Educating and Advocating A Call to Action for Dads Samson highlighted the importance of being actively involved in youth-serving organizations and advocating for the LGBTQIA+ community. By participating in local prides, engaging with neighbors, and opening conversations about acceptance, dads can foster inclusive communities. Being present and supportive serves as a powerful start to effecting positive change in society. The conversation with David Samson offers valuable insights and guidance for dads looking to provide support and understanding for their LGBTQIA+ children and other youth. As fathers, embracing change, practicing patience, and committing to learning and understanding are essential in creating inclusive environments for all children. By engaging with resources and proactive conversations, dads can empower themselves to be unwavering beacons of love and acceptance for LGBTQIA+ you Navigating fatherhood while supporting LGBTQIA+ youth presents its own set of challenges and responsibilities. However, by acknowledging the significance of acceptance, education, and advocacy, fathers can create an environment that nurtures and uplifts all children, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The conversation with David Samson provides a compelling and informative starting point for fathers to embark on this journey and become stalwart advocates for LGBTQIA+ youth. Through empathy, openness, and a willingness to learn, dads can play a pivotal role in shaping an inclusive world for their LGBTQIA+ children and others in the community. In conclusion, Samson’s insights and experiences highlight the transformative power of loving and supporting one’s children unconditionally, thereby forging a future that embraces and celebrates diversity and inclusion in all its forms. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Doc. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to work with you, to be able to talk to you Dog. About this journey that you and I are both on. I've tie told you before, I've got 2 daughters myself. I've been where you are at, And I know that every day is a little bit different, and every day is a journey. The biggest thing here that and I say this over and over again to you is that the You don't have to do this alone. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:54]: It is so important to know that there is a community of fathers out there that you can reach out to, that you can talk to. The You don't have to go alone and think that you have to father alone because that's really lonely, and that is really Docs. It's something that that that a lot of times as society, we've kinda feel like we have to man up. We have to the Figure it out for ourselves and you don't. So that's why it's so important that every week we sit down, we talk, we learn together from other their fathers from other people with many different resources that they're sharing to be able to help you on this journey that you're on. Every week, I also love being able to bring you different guests, the different people that have had different experiences that are fathers that have resources that are here to help you Doc. To be that dad that you wanna be in today, we got another great guest. David Sampson is with us today. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:49]: And David is a father. He is the He lives down in North Carolina, works for a organization called , and we're gonna talk more about that today. The David has worked to raise over $30,000,000 in funds to support nonprofits, but he works with youth to help youth in many different ways. And the And the things that he's doing, especially in the intersection of working with LGBTQ youth, I think is really important because the All of us are working with different kids. Our kids are maybe in that same community, and we have to be able to support our kids no matter what. The So it is important to understand and to know, you know, what David has learned along the way in working with youth, the But also learn about his own experience in being a father as well. So I'm really excited to have him here. David, thanks so much for being here today. David Samson [00:02:41]: Hey. Thanks so much. It's so great to be here and to be able to share some perspective with you and the great folks who are listening and who you're supporting. I really appreciate it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: I appreciate you being on. And 1st and foremost, we gotta talk about you being a dad because you are a father of a son. I wanna turn the clock back in time. I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out you were going to be a the Father, what was going through your head? David Samson [00:03:01]: I have a 5 year old son. Gosh. When I found out I was gonna be a dad, it was At the end of a very long journey, Jasper was born via surrogacy. So the planning for him to come really was Decades worth of work, honestly. It was, you know, saving money and planning and trying to understand what it meant to be a gay dad in this world. We had just no marriage equality. So we were sort of in the midst of a transition as a country, but I always knew the From the day that, really, I became an adult that I wanted to be a parent. So to have that opportunity to have and and raise such an an amazing boy was a dream come true, no Quite honestly, I remember the 2nd we got the positive pregnancy test, I was just, like, in tears. David Samson [00:03:48]: And I don't think I stopped crying from that point until Dom. The 2nd I held them in my arms for the 1st time, it was really magical. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:56]: Now I have to ask this question because I think the You have that glow and that that magic. As you said, it's magical when you're holding your child for the 1st time, but it's not always roses. It's not always the Positives. The there's ups and downs to parenting, and you have to learn along the way how to balance all of that. Talk to me about what's been the hardest part the for you in being a father. David Samson [00:04:19]: So it's I feel like it's different for every parent. Right? Like, Jasper was the easiest infant. He really was. You know, we sleep trained him. And from the time he was 12 weeks old, he was sleeping 12 hours a night. Like, it was unbelievable. And then he turned 3. And when he turns 3, it was like, oh, This is what everybody is talking about because up until that point, I'm telling you, he was the easiest kid. Even when he learned to walk and, you know, was running around, he was still pretty the Cautious. He didn't you know, wasn't too reckless, didn't injure himself or do anything, but, man, he really found his space when he turned 3. The And kinda since then until now, it's I feel like we've gotten our our punch of tough parenting. So we've learned to set boundaries. We've learned, the Kinda what it means to push back, and we've learned a lot of his tricks along the way. But it's a different experience for everyone, but infant, easy. Toddler, tough. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:22]: So as a father, what would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a child in today's society? David Samson [00:05:28]: Feel like I'm always gonna say the wrong And I think that that is a fear that every parent has. You know, I think back to to my childhood, and there are A lot of things that my parents said to me that stuck. So I always try and pause a little bit before I speak. I listen to him. I try and look at him and and try and figure out what he's going through in that moment and what he actually needs As opposed to looking at him throwing a tantrum on the floor. So, yeah, I feel like just really thinking about the words that come out of my mouth, really Understanding the impact that everything that we say as parents have on our kids. But, yeah, it's a it's a fear I live with every day that I'm gonna traumatize them somehow say the wrong thing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:14]: I smile at that because I think that I think every father feels that way, that what we say, what we do is going to, as you said, scar them, the Make you know, do something that's going to impact who they become. And I think that it's the Possible that there are things that you can do definitely that could scar them or impact them, but they're pretty resilient. The And they definitely forgive more than and they forget things a lot more so than we do. So just to give you some some perspective. David Samson [00:06:47]: I appreciate that. Yeah. I've learned how to apologize more as a parent than ever than at any point in my life. Like, I've gotten really good at saying I'm sorry to my son because I think that's really important. Right? Because you're always wondering, is this the moment that he's never gonna forgive me for Slightly raising my voice, and I'm like, oh, I just you know, I curl up like a kid in the corner. I really do. I'm like, I want you to be okay. I want you to feel love, and I don't want you to to, you know, to feel this energy that I'm giving off right now in this sort of heated moment. David Samson [00:07:19]: So, yeah, thank you for that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:21]: The Now one of the things that I I just mentioned was the fact that as a parent, as a father, you do have to find that balance for yourself the To be that engaged dad that you wanna be, but then there's also the pull to the work that you do and the things that you do to provide the family as well. So talk to me about balance in thus far how you have had to or what you have had to do To balance both work and raising your son. David Samson [00:07:51]: Yeah. Because he can't do one without the other, Right. As it turns out. And I've had progressive responsibilities in my role here at Time Out Youth. I I started in the midst of the pandemic as the director of development and then the director of advancement. Now I'm the the chief operating officer. So it's not like my my work has gotten less. It's gotten much more. David Samson [00:08:11]: So I find myself really Struggling at times to have the time to to dedicate, but you have to. Luckily, I work for a wonderful nonprofit who understands that work, life balance is incredibly important. They know Jasper. They love Jasper. They see me as a person, first here at Time Out Youth and not a number in, you know, no Some big corporations. So I I'm lucky enough to have a supportive work family who respects my home life. I start my day by getting up with him or he'll crawl into bed with us and curl up for 20 minutes, no If that ever ends, I'm just gonna lose my mind because those are the best moments, but it's really nice to start my day with him. The You know what I mean? I just get to start my day with my son, and it centers me immediately. David Samson [00:09:01]: You know? And then I get up, and I read my work emails, and my brain gets going, and then I have to stop again, and I have to make breakfast for him. And then I have more moments with him in the morning. And then it's no A struggle getting him ready for school and packing his backpack and rushing around and getting out the door, but then more moments in the car. So I think that truly finding those steady moments throughout the day when you're together, even when you're in the midst of, you know, your busiest time at work or whatever it might be. Truly just capturing and having those very few moments with him, even if they might be fleeting, are Incredible opportunities to bond as parents, and I really value them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:44]: It is really important to find those moments, Dom. As you said, the the opportunities to make those specific bonds with your child. Now you have 1 child. Now the What do you do individually as a dad to be able to make that connection, to develop that connection with your son? The Because we know that each child is unique, but that your children may have very different interests in very different ideas of what is fun than what you may think is fun. So what do you do to be able to build that unique relationship the that you want to have with your son. David Samson [00:10:23]: No. You're exactly right. He's into totally different stuff than I was when I was a kid or I am now. I was a music major in college, so I had this, like, grand vision that my son was gonna come out and be a the A pianist or a vocalist or something, and that is not happening, which is sort of heartbreaking for me. My husband bought us a the Piano for my birthday last year. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna teach Jasper how to play the piano. He's gonna sit down with me. Like, You know, like, my mom sat down with me and taught to you know, taught me to play the piano. David Samson [00:10:57]: He doesn't care at all. Nothing. Now he can he knows where middle c is. We've done a few lessons, but he would much rather go do, like, LEGO robotics, which is, like, So far outside of the realm of anything that I was interested in or am interested in. So I feel like for a while, I tried to push him into things that were in my comfort zone, but it has nothing to do with my comfort zone. It's about supporting him and the things that he wants to do and Really fostering that that passion and that fire in whatever it is that he wants. So he's only 5. Right? So we're still in the midst of, like, the Trying to figure out exactly what it is that he likes or what he's good at or what he thinks he's good at. David Samson [00:11:39]: So we still try and push him in as many different directions as we can. But when he latches onto something and when we can kinda see the wheels turning in his head, It's really exciting. And we latch onto that with him, and we get excited for him. And we're already finding ourselves, like, the Pushing him towards the things that he really loves and, you know, just going all in with him as much as we can. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:04]: Well, that's so fun. And and maybe there's some intersection there. Because if he likes the LEGO robotics, you maybe you can do some stop motion type things where you bring music to the robotics that he builds And do something fun like that. David Samson [00:12:18]: Yeah. Look inside the piano lid and see the hammer. Right? Like, yeah, it's super cool. It's all connected. They'll figure it out. We'll help them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:25]: Now You mentioned the fact that you are or I mentioned the fact that you are a part of Time Out Youth. You talked about that as well and the organization itself. Tell me more about Time Out Youth. I know it's been around since 1991. It's serving LGBTQIA plus youth, but tell me more about the organization, What your mission is and how you're working with youth in many different ways. David Samson [00:12:49]: Yeah. Absolutely. So you mentioned it has been around since 1991, and that's right. The We are the oldest in the Carolinas, and we are also the biggest in the Carolinas. In between, Washington DC and Northern the Florida. Time out youth is the standard of LGBT youth centers on the East Coast. So our mission, is to support LGBTQ the youth by offering vital programs, fostering unconditional acceptance, and creating safe spaces for self expression through leadership, the community support and advocacy. So we do that in a number of ways. David Samson [00:13:23]: Our bread and butter are youth 13 to 24 the Here in the Charlotte Metro region, we have mental health services, free counseling services. We offer really vital housing support the Services here at Time Out Youth. And then we have social interaction space. So 5 days a week, we offer programming whether virtually or in person here in the center. The And then Fridays Saturdays, we have drop ins space. So Friday nights are for our big kids, so 18 to 24. And then Saturdays are for our younger youth who no We're 13 to 18. So on any given day from the time we get here at 10 o'clock up until school's out, We're usually offering housing services, job search functions to our kids who are houseless or have been kicked out of their homes due to unacceptance. David Samson [00:14:12]: So in in that time period, we're really seeing a very specific group of kids. And then in the evenings, it's anyone's guess. These are kids. So we might have 30 or 40 kids who are coming in and just wanna hang out and play video games, or we might be having a trans specific group That evening or talking to our our youth who identify as asexual, any number of...
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Kelly K: A Journey of Faith, Consistency, and Instilling Self-Worth in Daughters
03/04/2024
Kelly K: A Journey of Faith, Consistency, and Instilling Self-Worth in Daughters
In a heartfelt and insightful episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, best-selling author, pastor, and evangelist Kelly K shares his personal journey of parenting, step-parenting, and maintaining faith in the modern world. Joining the host, Christopher Lewis, Kelly K offers valuable advice and wisdom on the importance of consistency, faith, and instilling self-worth in children. Let's delve into the key highlights of this enriching conversation. Consistency in Parenting and Faith: Kelly K underscores the significance of consistency in parenting, emphasizing the need to instill godly principles in children despite the evolving landscape of parenting approaches. His message of open and honest communication, treating children with respect, and nurturing self-worth resonates deeply in today's world. By sharing his personal experiences in guiding his daughter through challenging relationships and finding solace in the teachings of the Bible, Kelly K encourages parents to embrace a steadfast approach in shaping their children's lives. Parenting Daughters and Instilling Self-Worth: Christopher Lewis delves into Kelly K's experience of being a father to daughters, acknowledging the challenges of instilling value and self-worth in them. Through Kelly K's candid narrative of guiding his daughter through difficult relationships and ultimately witnessing her find a godly partner, listeners gain invaluable insights into the complexities of raising strong, independent daughters. This segment serves as a reminder of the pivotal roles fathers play in shaping their daughters' identities and fostering their resilience. Using Social Media as a Mission Field: Kelly K's unexpected journey of utilizing to spread messages of religion and spirituality unveils a fresh perspective on engaging with a younger demographic. By viewing social media as a mission field and voicing the initial hesitance followed by a divine calling to connect with the platform, Kelly K presents a compelling narrative of adapting to novel ways of spreading faith and values. Authentic Content Creation and Faith: Emphasizing the essence of authenticity in content creation for the younger generation, Kelly K touches upon the significance of making biblical truths relatable and comprehensible in today's society. His success on TikTok is attributed to providing a fresh perspective on biblical teachings, underscoring the impact of authenticity and relevance in reaching a global audience through social media. Empowering Through Devotionals and Writing: Kelly K's transition to becoming an author and the motivation behind writing ", a 40-day devotional for a fresh perspective" further exemplifies his unwavering commitment to sharing God's word. Addressing the pressing issue of biblical illiteracy in today's generation, Kelly K's dedication to crafting devotionals that resonate with his audience signifies an empowering endeavor. Navigating Step-Parenting and Family Dynamics: Kelly K's poignant account of his step-parenting journey sheds light on the complexities and rewards of building strong family bonds. His emphasis on displaying love, grace, and mercy towards stepchildren serves as a testament to the transformative power of genuine relationships, offering guidance to individuals navigating similar challenges. Kelly K's profound insights on parenting, faith, and embracing modern platforms to spread meaningful messages serve as an inspiration to parents, step-parents, and individuals seeking to integrate faith into their everyday lives. His unwavering commitment to instilling self-worth, resilience, and values in children resonates deeply, affirming the enduring impact of love, grace, and faith in our journey through parenthood. In conclusion, this episode of Dads with Daughters with Kelly K imparts invaluable wisdom, serving as a guiding light for individuals navigating the intricate roles of parenting, step-parenting, and living a faith-driven life. For more engaging conversations and insights on fatherhood, join the Fatherhood Insider and the . Visit for more information about Kelly K and his transformative work. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Docs. Really excited to have you back again this week. I love being able to sit down and talk to you every week about the journey that you're on the In raising those daughters of yours. Every week, we have a great opportunity to be able to listen, to learn, to the Walk on this path together. And I say it's a path together because, you know, I've got 2 daughters. I know you've got daughters. You're listening because Dogs. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:48]: You're passionate about your kids, and it is so important to be open to learning because there's no one right way to father. Dog. It's so important that you are open to be able to listen to others and listen to their experiences because you may find some kernels, some things that are Dom. Help you along the journey that you're on as well. I love being able to also bring you different people, different guests, different men, women, Dog. And others that have had different journeys, that they've been on different journeys themselves, that have different experiences and different resources that they can share with you. And today, Dog. Got another great guest. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:27]: Kelly Kaye is with us, and Kelly Kaye is a best selling author, pastor, and evangelist the Whose passion is traveling the world telling people about Jesus. Kelly Kaye has made a huge impact internationally by leveraging social media with daily the Teaching videos on TikTok. Kelly's unique style of speaking and communicating the Bible has captured the heart and attention of 1,000,000. The He's also got a brand new book that he's working on. He's authored a couple of different books including Think About That For a Minute, the Volume 1 and volume 2, get lit, stay lit, spread it, and reckless love revolution. So it's got a brand new book that we're gonna be talking about as well that he's just finishing up, gonna be sending out into the world here very soon. But the Above and beyond that, he and his wife, Lindsay, have 5 children, and 3 of which are daughters. So we're gonna be talking about his own journey the As a father. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]: Kelly Kaye, thanks so much for being here today. Kelly K [00:02:25]: Man, thank you so much for having me. It's an absolute honor. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:28]: It is my pleasure having you here today. And one of the things that I love Dove. Doing. 1st and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time. You've got 5 kids, but we're gonna focus on those 3 daughters that you have. The Think back. We're gonna turn the clock back in time. What was the first reaction that you had when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter? Kelly K [00:02:48]: So first, let me explain. My oldest 2 daughters are actually my stepdaughters. So my oldest daughter is 23. Her name is Brennan, Dog. And then my middle daughter, she's 19. Her name is Avery. And then I have an, 2 year old daughter named Jet. Now I gotta tell you this, though. Kelly K [00:03:04]: Dog. I remember my my wife when we were dating, you know, she asked me, does it bother you that I have 3 kids? And in the moment, it was without hesitation the that I was able to say not at all. It didn't bother me at all because I had the most amazing stepmom in my life that you could ever I'm telling you, she was she raised me since I was 2 years old. Never treated me like I wasn't her child. The always included me. I never felt that she was not my mom. Right? And so I just kinda knew that god gave me her for a reason. And when I started dating somebody seriously that had children, it made sense to me, like, okay, god. Kelly K [00:03:41]: You gave me this stepmom because I'm gonna have to repay the What she gave to me to these other children, I didn't think I was gonna have to do it times 3, but god's got a sense of humor like that. So, honestly, when I found out I was gonna be a dad, it's Dog. Different than most people because, I'd already met these kids. That brings up another issue, though, is that Brennan, when I started dating my wife, Docs. She was 7 years old, and she thought that I was the enemy. She thought that her relationship with her mom and dad the Ended because of me, which that was not the case at all. They've, you know, long been split up before we started dating. But I had to make a choice to say, yes. Kelly K [00:04:19]: I I still wanna do this with her even though she was Making life pretty miserable for all of us for a short amount of time, but I just always knew. Haley, god gave you an amazing stepmom, and it's gonna be your job Docs. To pay that back. So to answer your question, what did I think? I just kinda knew. That's what god wants me to do. He wants me to be a father, and he wants Daughters and to speak their worth and value into them. And it doesn't matter if they have my blood or DNA or not. Dog. Kelly K [00:04:47]: That's what's amazing about God's family is that he picks and chooses. He puts you together for a purpose, on purpose. And so, to be honest with you, I was very Doug. And happy about the task at hand. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:57]: So one of the things that you had talked about was that Brennan and you had the build that relationship because she saw you as that enemy. And there are other dads out there that are stepping into relationships or they're stepping into the That rule of being a step parent, maybe a little bit scared about that as well because of stepping into that, not knowing what to expect. Doc. Talk to me about what you had to do with Brennan to be able to heal that relationship, to build that relationship, to be able to get to a point the Where she didn't see you as that enemy, but saw you as a father. Kelly K [00:05:36]: Absolutely. Domino's. You know, here's the thing. Because I I get it. It it can be intimidating when you come into a relationship and there's already kids there, and you're not the father. Man, I get it. Dom. The first thing that you have to remember and the first thing that I tried to keep on the front of my mind is that I chose them. Kelly K [00:05:52]: They didn't choose me. So a lot of times, we can get into these relationships Dom. Because we love the mom, we love the woman, and then the kids don't really reciprocate that. Well, they didn't choose this, so you need to remember that. So there needs to be a Doubt. Ton of love, a ton of mercy, and a ton of grace for those children because this is brand new to them too, and they didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. They didn't pick you, the So you need to come in with as much grace as you can. So, you know, I let her be herself. Kelly K [00:06:18]: I let her air her frustration. I let her say and do what she needs to do. I mean, within reason. I'm still gonna be the father, and I'm still gonna keep things in line. But at the same time, I gave her space, Docs. And I let her talk about it. I let her tell me how she felt because the truth is I knew because of the relationship I've had with my stepmom that there's gonna come a time in the future Doc. Where she realizes who the dad is. Kelly K [00:06:41]: Yeah. I may not be the biological father, but over the next 20 years or so, Doc. She's gonna see me at every basketball game. She's gonna see me every single day. I'm gonna be the one paying for her supplies for school. I'm gonna be the one taking care of what and and there's gonna come a day where it's gonna Dog. And she's gonna say, oh my gosh. I missed it. Kelly K [00:06:59]: I didn't understand then, but I understand now. And it was when that day came for me, it was so amazing. Dog. And what's really cool now is that Brennan and I are best friends. We are the closest out of all my kids, she and I. Matter of fact, just a couple nights ago, we went to dad daughter date. I took her the dinner. We went shopping. Kelly K [00:07:15]: We went to a movie, and that's just something we love to do together. We have an extremely close and tight relationship now, but Dog. The only reason that we are able to have that is because I allowed her a ton a ton of mercy and grace at the beginning because I knew She didn't choose this. I'm choosing this, and I need to let her develop and come into this on her own. If we come in and try to make them feel awful and tell them how horrible they are for being that way, They don't understand that, and all you're gonna do is divide your family even more, and you're gonna put gaps and drive wedges Dog. Between everyone. So, really, it's just you've got to love them on their level because they're not able to love you at your level yet, and it's just that understanding that's really gonna help bridge that gap. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:56]: The I really appreciate you sharing that. Now I talked to a lot of dads that have daughters. One of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is a fear. The And in the fear for you might have been a little bit different because you're stepping into being a stepdad and dad to a existing family. But the A lot of dads say that there's specifically some fear to raising daughters specifically. What would you say has been your biggest fear In raising daughters. Kelly K [00:08:24]: Oh, man. You know, I think my biggest fear is sending them out in the world with a feeling of being undervalued. Doc. Especially when you you come in as a step parent, they already have this sense of reject rejection. They're already gonna be carrying that around that Dog. My dad, for whatever reason, he left. And I get it, you know, from being from a divorced family as well as I carried around that weight Dog. Forever of what did I do? Why didn't you want me? How come you didn't love me when that's not really the case? So my fear was coming in to this. Kelly K [00:08:54]: Dog. They have this feeling of rejection from their own father. Whether it's validated or not, they're still gonna carry it. I didn't want them to leave the house Dog. At 18, 19, 20 years old still carrying that, that was probably my biggest fear is that I want them to make sure that they know who they are, who god says about them, and that they are worth so much that they don't have to just go give themselves to the 1st person that that wants them because they don't feel any value. That's the last thing I want. Was another daughter that's a statistic the of teenage pregnancy or or just somebody that that just allows themselves to be used. That breaks my heart to see girls and women like that, and that's what I didn't want to put out into the world. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:31]: The Now one of the things that is always interesting for me because as I said, I've got 2 daughters myself. The You've got 5 kids, and every parent of multiple kids has to be very intentional Dog. About what they're doing to build those relationships because every child is completely different, and the You have to understand what those differences are. So talk to me about what did you have to do to build those the Relationships uniquely with every child to be able to be the dad that you wanted to be. Kelly K [00:10:07]: For sure. Well, I mean, again, the Grace, man. If I gotta come back to 1 word over and over, it's gonna be grace. It's understanding each child is different just like you said. They're not all gonna receive love the same. They're not all gonna receive no discipline the same. So it's really spending time getting adjusted to each child, learning their personality, what they enjoy. So what I would do is, you know, with with Brennan, you Dog. Kelly K [00:10:28]: Know, she loves to go to movies, so something I would do special is just make sure I would take time out to to take her to a movie, to take her to dinner. That's what she really enjoys. My son, Chase, Dog. Also my stepson, which I'm referring to them as step kids to you. I've never referred to them as step kids in front of their face or to them not one single time. That's another thing. If the coming into a relationship with kids, do all you can to make them feel like like they are yours. Whether they're calling you dad or not, you refer to them as your kids. Kelly K [00:10:56]: I'm telling you that does something their self esteem. But so just when I was getting to know them, I knew that's what she liked. Chase, on the other hand, he doesn't like to go do movies and stuff like that. Dog. Would have to find other things that he enjoyed. Or if if Avery likes to get gifts, you know, I'll buy her something and bring it to her. It's really just understanding each child is different, what is their love language, and then try to communicate with them on that level. That is gonna be so big. Kelly K [00:11:20]: What we can do, though, as adults and as parents is that the We want to love and speak to them the way that we want to be loved and spoken to. And we don't realize sometimes that that can actually be very damaging if their the Love language is quality time, and they wanna spend time with you, but yours is gifts, and you just show up with gifts all the time. Man, that's great for you. You feel like you're really knocking out of the park, but really all they wanted was Doc. Go to a movie or go to the park or just spend some time. And now that I feel neglected or less valuable to you because you're not the time with them when, really, in your mind, you went above and beyond. Right? You love to buy gifts, so you're showing them love. But it's not about what you want. Kelly K [00:11:57]: Dog. What they need. So it's really spending time getting to know them. I mean, our our generation has this horrible problem of just handing kids a phone or an iPad and tell them to go away. The Don't bother me. Go be on this device. We don't even know our kids. We wouldn't know how to parent them or love them or correct them properly because we don't even know who they are. Kelly K [00:12:14]: The We need to actually spend time getting to know them, and your kids are awesome people. They're amazing. Spend time with them. You will be the with the things that they say, the things that they know, the things that they're picking up on, and it gives you so much insight into their lives and into how Don. To be the correct parent for them, we just ignore that so many times, and then we wonder why we can't relate to our own kids. And, really, for a lot of us, it's our own fault at times. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:37]: The Definitely so true, and it makes me think back to my own kids and and trying to better understand who they are. And I've only got 2. So the Being able to have 5 at at very different ages is definitely a challenge. Now talk to me about about that because the The way that you have to interact, the way that you have to father your 2 year old is gonna be very different than the Your interactions with Brennan. And so having the that very diverse age range of kids and wide age range of kids, the How do you see yourself fathering in a different way, parenting in a different way, and how do you maintain that? Kelly K [00:13:15]: That's a good question. You know, we were pretty intentional About letting the 3 older kids get a little older before my wife and I had children together only because I had this fear the If I have another child, I don't want to love my biological children more than the other 3. Yeah. I mean, there's there's a love there that that it it just it is what it is. You're gonna love your own child different than your stepchildren. There's nothing wrong...
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Insights on Fatherhood, Loneliness, and Parenting 8 Children from JP DeGance of Communio
02/26/2024
Insights on Fatherhood, Loneliness, and Parenting 8 Children from JP DeGance of Communio
Fatherhood is a unique journey that provides an opportunity to shape the lives of our daughters. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, , the president of , shared valuable insights on fatherhood, relationships, loneliness, and the importance of community in raising daughters to be strong and independent women. Impactful Moments of Fatherhood In the podcast, DeGance shared his experience as a father to eight children, highlighting the significant impact of fatherhood on his life. He emphasized how his relationship with his daughters has shaped his perspective on parenting. He touched upon the realization of a different connection and relationship with his daughters compared to his sons. Understanding the Unique Bonds DeGance discussed the importance of forming unique relationships with each of his children despite their different personalities and age ranges. He highlighted the significance of spending quality time with each child individually and fostering connections that are tailored to their individual needs and interests. This approach emphasizes the importance of understanding and supporting each child in a personalized manner. Challenges of Raising Daughters The discussion delved into the challenges of raising daughters in the modern world, particularly in terms of relationships, healthy partnerships, and the impact of societal changes on their well-being. DeGance shed light on the implications of the current cultural trends on daughters' perceptions of relationships and the importance of guiding them to discern healthy and meaningful connections. Insights on Loneliness and Community DeGance's organization, Communio, has conducted extensive , uncovering concerning trends in societal well-being. The study revealed alarming insights about the epidemic of loneliness and its impact across different demographic groups. Particularly, the podcast emphasized the importance of community and mentorship among men, highlighting the profound impact of having connections outside the family unit to combat loneliness and reinforce purpose in life. Cultivating Meaningful Relationships One of the key takeaways from DeGance's insights was the emphasis on cultivating healthy, purpose-driven relationships within the family and the broader community. He stressed the significance of modeling a parent-centered home rather than a child-centered one, highlighting the role of the marriage relationship as the foundation for trust and social trust in children. Guiding Fathers to Be Present DeGance shared invaluable advice for fathers, encouraging them to live life with their children and actively engage in their lives. This guidance underscored the importance of being present and actively involved in children's lives, especially during their formative years. In conclusion, JP DeGance's insights provide a comprehensive understanding of the impact of fatherhood, relationships, and community in raising strong daughters. His perspectives on building unique connections with each child, navigating the challenges of parenting, and the significance of community involvement offer valuable lessons for fathers striving to raise empowered and resilient daughters. As fathers, our role in shaping the lives of our daughters extends beyond mere presence. It encompasses creating a supportive and purpose-driven environment, fostering meaningful connections, and nurturing strong, independent women. Through prioritizing father-daughter relationships, active involvement, and community engagement, we can contribute to the holistic development of our daughters and empower them to navigate the complexities of the modern world with confidence and resilience. By embracing the insights shared by JP DeGance, fathers worldwide can deepen their understanding of their pivotal role in raising strong, empowered daughters and actively contribute to their daughters' journey toward a fulfilling and purposeful life. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad who wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, an interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts but, more importantly, with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Docs. Really excited to be back with you again this week. Every week, I love sitting down with you and being able to talk to you about this journey that we're all on called fatherhood. And it is a unique journey in many ways, but it doesn't have to be. There are so many ways in which we can learn and grow from the offered from the people that are around us, from other fathers, and this show is all about connecting you with other people's experiences to be able to help you to be the father that you wanna be and to help you to raise those strong independent women the that you have in your homes. Every week, I love bringing you different guests, different dads, and different other individuals with resources that can help you to do just that. And this week, we got another great guest with us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:12]: JP DeGance is with us today, and JP is the president of Communio. He is also the founder and president. I should say, let me step back. JP DeGance is with us today, and JP is the president and founder of Communio. And we're gonna talk more about the organization and some of the things that they've been finding inside, like, a recent study that just came out about loneliness. And we're also gonna be talking about the fact that he's a father of 8. And I was talking to him before we started today and said that it just kinda blows my mind because I think 2 is enough for me, but 8 is a whole new game. So I'm excited to have him on. JP, thanks so much for being here. JP DeGance [00:01:52]: Hey, Christopher. Thank you for having me. It's great to be here with you. Thank you so much. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:57]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love that we're able to talk about fatherhood and Communio. I guess, 1st and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time. I love being able to have this power when when I talk to people and being able to turn the clock back. And I know you've got 8 kids. I'd like to go back to that 1st moment. That first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, what was going through your head? JP DeGance [00:02:20]: You know, for us, it was number 3. And I'll tell you. It was funny. I told my wife brings this up to me all the time. She says, I see, oh, I'm gonna treat, you know, my kids the same. I'm gonna, you know, my son's daughter's gonna be the same. And then, I had my daughter, and I realized, we have a different connection, a different relationship. And I love my girls. JP DeGance [00:02:42]: I've I've we're we're all tied up. Chris for four boys and four girls. It's about as evenly distributed as you can. But being able to bond with my daughters and having daughters, I'm confident, makes me a better a better man. It causes me to want to be more in comparison to my sons, who I'll rough up. I relate a bit differently to my daughters, and it's been beautiful, not great. And my wife has called me out on it quite a number of times that you don't really treat them the same. Later on, I got a quote from my father That I love. He's like, you treat all of your children equally. JP DeGance [00:03:18]: You don't treat them the same. And I think that there's a lot of a lot of wisdom in that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:23]: I love that. Now a lot of dads that I talk to I talked to a lot of dads over the years, and a lot of dads say to me that having that daughter in their life. Is not only an amazing thing, but it also brings some fear with it as well. And I guess for you, As you look at the fact that you have eight kids four girls and four boys, what has been your biggest fear in raising daughters? JP DeGance [00:03:47]: Nobles. Because of my work, and you mentioned some research that we've been doing, I run an org and a ministry that really seeks to equip churches to champion and encourage healthy relationships, marriage, fatherhood, and healthy fatherhood. And as I've gotten into the data, you can't help but understand That there is a retreat from marriage that's occurring that's gonna affect our sons and daughters, and that means something, especially for our daughters and how they grow and Dom. And and how they discern healthy relationships. I think the culture has cheapened relationships and meaningful relationships. And so coming alongside my daughters to help form them is so that they can know what the healthy guy looks like and how to avoid problematic relationships and toxic relationships, and then form friend groups, right? That reinforces that. Right? My mom used to say, you know, you are. I'm sure I'm not the only one whose mom said this. Right? You are who your friends are, who you associate with. JP DeGance [00:04:51]: You often reflect in terms of your personality and who you are. So those are just some of those things that, you know, recognizing. You know, the reality is is even at Conley, and you think about college, no, today's college is now 60% women, 40% men, and in the last, most recent most recent class. And what that actually mathematically means as a dad is it's gonna be actually harder mathematically for our daughters to find a guy who is of historically speaking woman marries someone of the same academic attainment level. And that means, if her daughters pursue college, it'll become harder to identify someone just because it just becomes a math problem. These are just some of the things I think about. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:30]: Now with eight kids, I know that even with twoo kids, each child is very different. I'm sure that with eight kids, you've got many different personalities and many different perspectives. And as you father 8 children, you have to build those unique relationships with each one of those kids in different ways. How do you do that, and how do you balance being able to build those unique relationships with each of your children, especially based on the age range that we're talking about? JP DeGance [00:06:04]: We spend a lot of time together, a lot of our social time as a family. And the kids enjoy being around each other. These kids we, we fight. The kids fight. Right? The kids argue, and that's all normal. But I will say our 18-year-old, our 17-year-old, and our 15-year-old are strange in that they don't complain when it's family time and we're Doing something social and fun. That said, it's it you're absolutely right. It's critical to find that time where you can spend time together individually with dog. JP DeGance [00:06:34]: A child. So I do a number of things. I travel for work, not infrequently, and so I try to bring one of my kids with me on a work trip Periodically so that there it's just with dad. If I'm going out, I have to go to Montana periodically, and that's a fun place to go and drive around and see the natural wonder of that heart of the country, and I'll do that. I've I've had to go on trips to Denver. I'll take one child. And one of the things that we'll do is try to do different types of rites of passage kind of experiences with our with a kid with our children when they hit a certain age, particularly, like, right before puberty, you know, they go on a trip. With me. JP DeGance [00:07:10]: It's a son who goes with me, and the daughter goes with mom. And we make a trip away, and we do a bit of the bird and the bees, conversations and, you know, how life is gonna be changing and really try to lay the groundwork there. Then when they graduate high school, we've done this once Now. We'll be doing it again this summer. We've taken our oldest. We've just selected that point to be just a trip with an experience that we just do with a high school graduate and celebrate that moment, let them know how important that moment was and their achievement and and and, obviously, in our as a family of 8, really appreciate that time when it's just me and them Or me and my wife and my child. And so those are some of the ways. And then you, you know, every child, you're absolutely right. JP DeGance [00:07:57]: Every child is different. Right? They need different things. Okay. I've grown to notice that my sons and I are studying this area; they want to know If they're competent, they wanna know. If I think that they're competent, they're they're they're effective. They can do they can do things. And so frequently, that's part of how I reinforce the My sons and my daughters so frequently wanna know if, and they range again from age 4 to age 15. They wanna know if they are actually beautiful. Are they being reinforced? I think they're certainly reinforcing your self-image and, Letting her know that Dad knows that they're they're a beautiful young lady, beautiful inside and out, and that's important in a way. JP DeGance [00:08:39]: They react differently, my sons and daughters, on these things, and I've seen that as really important for my daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:45]: We talked about fears and how raising kids can be smooth sailing. It can also be challenging at times. What's been the hardest part for you In being a father to a daughter? JP DeGance [00:08:57]: Yeah. The hardest part of being a father to a daughter. My kids have struggled with dyslexia, sons and daughters. And realized that the traditional school model for us wasn't wasn't working for my daughters. What it wasn't working for my sons. I ended up having a series of conversations with a businessman that I thought very highly of, and he helped me open my eyes to thinking differently about education, particularly educating my daughters. Right? In the end, it led us to decide to alter what we were doing. We ended up Moving into a homeschool model where we could allocate capital for the kind of tutoring they needed and the kind of pace in the areas they needed. JP DeGance [00:09:40]: And that's been a really good thing. I think mom is really good at handling things like ways to dress and what have you. And so I don't have to do much of that. My wife is all over the stuff, and the and the girls, That's been a good thing for us, and the girls, I think, have, with some reluctance, taken to mom's guidance on such Dutch Things. Mom dresses well, and so they see that you can dress beautifully elegantly, and you can also dress modestly in those ways. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:12]: I mentioned that you were the president and CEO of Communio, and you sort of started to talk a little bit about what Communio is and what it focuses on. Tell me more about Communio, and then we'll talk about some of the research. I wanna hear more about the organization first. JP DeGance [00:10:28]: Sure. So we function like as a business to business, a b to b, so to speak, as a business model. So our customers always and everywhere, the local church. Okay. We equip the local church to evangelize through the renewal of healthy relationships, the Marriage, and the family. And a major part of, obviously, that is fatherhood. And so we do that through Coaching churches, training churches, and evidence-based strategies on relationship health. We do help produce No. JP DeGance [00:10:59]: A transformation in the mindset of pastors in the church is that investing in the strength of your marriage or your relationships is something everybody does. If you wanna be healthy, happy, and holy, no. And then that's what that's what one ought to do. And a big thing is part of that message is for men. Right? Heavily, on dads. If I love my children, One of the best ways for me to love my children is, whenever it's possible, to love the mother of my children more than my own children because when I do that, it spills over and has lifetime benefits on our children. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:33]: I mentioned the fact that your organization had been doing some research into loneliness. So talk to me about That and why your organization chose to start doing research on this topic. JP DeGance [00:11:46]: I've been startled like many of the Folks who've who've looked into space; we've got shortening lifespans. We are, as a country, when I was a kid. When you were a kid, people talk futurists saying, you know, maybe we're gonna live to a 100 or maybe a 110 in the future. It'll just be normal. No one ever thought 40 or 50 years ago that people would be short, living shorter and shorter lives. And that's that's where we are, particularly men as of recently, but it's also women. And we're heavily divergent from similar countries. So if you look at other countries of high wealth, we are having a sharp decline in our lifespan. JP DeGance [00:12:20]: That has a heavy relationship to the loneliness problem. In 2008, the first year in the United States, the surgeon general said that we had an epidemic of loneliness, and it's only increased. And so we work with our client churches to a small number of factors, no And one of those is loneliness, and there's something called the UCLA summary loneliness index. It's a 3 question tool that when you use it, depending on how you answer it, no If you score 6 or higher on it, you fit the public health definition of loneliness, which means your lifespan is basically the difference between dying in your the Mid-seventies to dying in your late fifties or, you know, right at sixty. Okay. And that's how significant it is. And and so. JP DeGance [00:13:03]: We wanted to make folks aware of what's going on with it. And, well, one of the things that stuck out sadly is some of the findings were it's not who you think Dog. Is lonely. Right? You would think it would make sense that it's the elderly and it's the widowed are the most likely to be lonely. And the reality is that the loneliest folks in the survey were the never married in their thirties and also the divorced in their thirties. Those were the two loneliest groups. They were lonelier than widows, and there was the loneliest group of widows were widows in their Fifties, which makes sense, and widowers and widows in their fifties, which makes sense. It's premature to have lost a spouse. JP DeGance [00:13:46]: That age, or maybe you're a recent empty nester, and so there's a major life change. But even still, someone who's 30, the 4-year-old who's never married, or 33 who's divorced. They're actually lonelier by a significant margin than those folks and Docs. Making sure, you know, when we talk to our client churches, like, this is something you need to be aware of. Right? Like, this is as a pastor, Doc. If you're talking about the importance of forming a heterogeneous community between singles and married, divorced and widowed, the Young and old. That should be a normal part of life in thinking through how to form those kinds of interlocking communities. The folks can have meaningful relationships and have the kind of purpose that flows from meaningful relationships that undo all of the horrible health effects of loneliness. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:34]: So, a part of the...
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Mack Brock: Faith, Family, and Finding Balance as a Dad
02/19/2024
Mack Brock: Faith, Family, and Finding Balance as a Dad
In a heartfelt and candid conversation on the Dads with Daughters podcast, , a renowned Christian musician, opens up about his fears and hopes as a father raising daughters. Emphasizing the need to protect and nurture his daughters into strong, independent women, Brock highlights the importance of understanding and engaging with each of his three kids in a way that resonates with their unique personalities and interests. Balancing Public and Private Life As both a musician and a parent, Mack Brock acknowledges the challenges of balancing his public persona with his private family life. He discusses the importance of creating a sense of family unity by involving his kids in his work and ministry, providing them with a glimpse into his passion and dedication to music while maintaining a healthy boundary between his public and private life. Embracing Change through Fostering The conversation takes a poignant turn as Brock shares his family's decision to become foster parents. The Brock family's journey began with a temporary foster placement that has since evolved into a long-term arrangement. Mack and his wife have navigated difficult conversations with their biological children about fostering, emphasizing the impact and importance of being adaptable and supportive as a family, irrespective of the changing dynamics. Nurturing Resilience and Emotional Well-being Brock delves into the emotional complexities of fostering and the potential impact of reunification with Z, their foster child, with his biological parents. The family has consciously chosen to shift their mentality from a temporary arrangement to embracing Z as a beloved member of their family, regardless of the duration he stays with them. They discuss the possibility of reunification and the potential need for family and individual child therapy to navigate the emotions and challenges that may arise. Music, Obedience, and Family Unity Mack Brock's music career and success have been a result of taking small obediences to the Lord and being open to opportunities as they arise. His commitment to faith and artistry is interwoven with his dedication to nurturing his family, demonstrating the harmony between his professional pursuits and familial responsibilities. The Brock family's journey reflects the utmost importance of faith, humility, and optimism in overcoming the challenges of parenthood and fostering. Mac Brock's thought-provoking insights and exemplary approach to parenting inspire us to embrace the challenges and joys of nurturing strength, resilience, and compassion in our children, whether biological or foster, amid life's ebbs and flows. His unwavering commitment to music and family shines a light on the transformative power of faith, love, and unwavering devotion in shaping a wholesome and nurturing family environment. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad who wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, an interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts but, more importantly, with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love sitting down with you and going on this journey that you and I both are on in raising those strong, independent women in our lives, and we can't do this alone. We have to have community, we have to be able to listen and learn the stories of other fathers around us. And through those stories, you and I can become stronger fathers ourselves, and we can be more engaged. We can be better intentional fathers to our daughters as well. I love being able to be on this journey with you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:06]: I love being able to bring you different dads and different people every week from so many different walks of life who are fathering in different ways. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. There's no one right way to father. Every one of us does it a little bit differently, and that's okay. We can learn from each other, though, and know that Even if you started on 1 path toward fatherhood, you can pivot. You can change. You can make adjustments along the way because, Especially as your kids are young, they're gonna be forgiving, and they're going to accept you who you are, but you have to be willing to change too. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:43]: And you have to be willing to move in that other direction and be willing to say, you know what? This is not working. Or, yeah, this is working. And keep going. So this week, we got another great guest with us. Mac Brock is with us, and Mac is a is the CEO of . has 3 kids. He also has a ton of worship songs that you may or may not have already heard, and we're gonna talk about that music too. And that includes Foods, an RIAA-certified double platinum single, Oh Come to the Altar, a platinum-certified Do It Again, which amazingly has over 129,000,000 YouTube views, and a gold track resurrecting that has 49,000,000 YouTube views. I can't even imagine that many YouTube views, But I would love to have that many YouTube views. But we're gonna be talking about his music as well as well as talking about his journey as a father. Mac, thanks so much for being here today. Mack Brock [00:02:41]: So good to be here. I need to correct one thing. It's it's my wife who is the CEO of Proverbs 31. She is the boss lady. I'm just a musician. All I do is write and sing songs. My wife is, like, the superstar, rock star that kinda handles things that are way above my pay grade. Well, I Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:00]: appreciate that because we gotta give credit where credit's due. And, Meredith, keep up the awesome work. Keep rocking it. You can tell Mac is on your side, and we're all on your side. The So Mac, what I love starting these opportunities to talk with an opportunity to turn the clock back in time. Wouldn't that be great if we just had the power to snap our fingers and we could go back? But we're gonna turn the clock back in time to that first moment, that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Mack Brock [00:03:29]: Man, for both of my kids, I have a son first and then a daughter second. And for both of them, I was very wrong on the gender. I thought I was gonna have a daughter first, then I thought for sure I was gonna have another son. And so finding out I was having a daughter, it was just such a little bit panicky because I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to handle girls. I don't know how this it feels very scary and overwhelming. And then when she came, it was even that was even more magnified of like, alright. What am I supposed to do? But over the years, Step by step, day by day, I feel like me and my wife have learned together how to raise our little girl. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:09]: Talking about fear, I talked to a lot of dads. And especially dads with daughters, I hear constantly that there is some fear. There is some fear about stepping into the role of being a father the To a daughter. As you've had your daughter in your life and you reflect back on that, what was your biggest fear or what is your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Dog. Mack Brock [00:04:30]: I think, you know, we naturally have that protection instinct. And so there's just like, I want to protect her from everything. I wanna protect her from the world, the And, and that's not reality. We can do our part, but, eventually, you know, our goal is to raise up women and to raise up strong women who are independent and can go out into the world. And so I think it's still not I don't know if fear is the right word, but it's still on my mind the know my heart a lot of, like, navigating that, and how do I pour continue to pour into her and to steward her magical imagination, her creativity, and then also steward her strength And Steward, we're growing in to be a woman of the lord and and a woman that is confident and believes in herself. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:24]: I did mention you're a father of 3, and you have 3 different kids with different personalities, and different needs. Mack Brock [00:05:31]: All different. Very different. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:33]: As You look at all 3 of your kids, and you look at yourself as a father, I know that even with two kids, I have to Be engaged with my kids in different ways. I have to understand them differently to be able to spend that unique time with them. To be able to build those relationships, what do you have to do to be able to not only, You know, be the father you wanna be, the husband you wanna be, the musician you wanna be, but what do you have to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your kids? Mack Brock [00:06:09]: The Yeah. That's such a good point because it is so wild how vastly different my daughter and my son are, the two oldest. They come from, you know, me and my wife, same DNA, same the Same everything, and they are so different. And so I've had to learn just like everybody, they have different interests, different Hobbies and different ways to connect. And so, for my son, it's a lot of playing Fortnite. It's a lot of we have the same sense of humor, so we'll watch Docs YouTube videos where we'll kinda sit and enjoy something together. And my daughter is so different. For my daughter, it's a lot of Reading stories together or sitting down and playing LEGOs together and just having that kind of playtime. Mack Brock [00:06:53]: Dog. And even, like, bedtime routines are, like, way different between my kids. You know, my daughter really likes to, like, lay in bed and snuggle and talk and tell the stories to each other. My son was kinda never that way. But I've realized, man, this is like a small the Way to build, like, a deep connection with my daughter that is hopefully building and planting seeds and building a foundation that will last, Like, the rest of our lives in our relationship. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:20]: I love that because I think you're right. I mean, I think you have to go with the flow in so many ways, and you have to be willing to understand and get to know your kids, what makes them tick, but also what makes them light up the And add more fuel to that fire while at the same time, as you said, stewarding them the in other directions to be able to help them in many different ways. As you look at the fact I said, you are a musician. You live a public life in that way. People know you and your music, and they at least feel like they know you and know your music. Doc. Me about separating that and being able to live the public life while at the same time Protecting the private life while at the same time having your kids see that public life and understanding Who you are publicly versus privately. Mack Brock [00:08:19]: Oh, I totally know if I even know how to answer that question because I feel at the core of what I do, I'm just like a worship leader. Dog. You know, I don't feel like this, like, big artist or anything like that. Like, For my career, and my calling in life is to Lead worship, and sometimes that's at our local church in Charlotte. But a lot of times, it's me traveling out and going out, you know, across the country and across the world to lead worship in other places. I think a big thing for me that's always been at the forefront is that I've been very careful for my kids not to ever feel like it's ministry and the church that takes their dad away, and that's, like, the bad thing. You know? Like, my dad's a pastor, and he was very, very good about that. Like, I grew up not hating the church because it kept my dad busy. Like, my dad was very, very good at Connecting the family to everything that he was doing, and I tried to do the same. And so, you know, whether it's, like, bringing my kids along no travel with me or whether it's just, like, having open, constant conversations about what I'm going to do or what I get to be a part of. And so for us, it doesn't feel totally like there's this public persona, and then there's this private persona as much as it feels like this is what your dad does. This is his calling in life. This is when he goes out, and he sings about Jesus, and he tells people about Jesus. And my kids, in some respect, get to feel like they're a part of what I do. And so it's not just me going out and doing my job. It's like Doc. Our family is a part of this thing. And even with my wife's ministry and her running Proverbs 31, it's one big, like, unit of, like, this is what our family's calling are these different ministries that we get to be a part of. And I think just having conversations, allowing our kids to feel somewhat a part of that. I don't know. It's been really special and cool for us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:15]: Now, raising sons and raising daughters are very different things in many different ways, And it takes a different touch. It takes a different perspective and a different way of parenting. What's been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Mack Brock [00:10:34]: I think, going back to what I said earlier, that I want my daughter to be. She's our creative. She's our magical thinker. She lives in, like, this like, her own world of, you know, just constantly creating stories. She's a songwriter. She's only 8, but, like, that's one of the ways that we connect. And so I think, as I said earlier, I think it's like learning to the Steward that and the learning to pour into all the things that make her magical and make her special and the Finding ways to just, like, cultivate and build that into her while at the same time wanting to build strength the in her. And that's one of the things like, my wife is such a strong woman, and she's such a she's just tough. Mack Brock [00:11:17]: And I lean on her of, like, how can we cultivate that in Cyrus' life and in Cyrus is hard. How can we make her have that same kind of bigger that my wife has without the Kind of hardening of the soft parts that Cyrus has? She's such a soft, tender, special spirit. And so it's just navigating those 2 things. Docs. It's tough now, but I think it's gonna be even tougher as she gets older and, like, learning how to just navigate that. I think another hard thing, just to be Totally real, is when you have a busy job and when you have, like, a demanding career, whatever it might be, traveling a lot or just, you know, busy at home. It's those moments where your daughter says like, hey. Mack Brock [00:11:57]: Will you do this with me? I want you, you know, can you come and sit down and play Legos with me? And you're worn out and tired, and you're like, no. Honestly, I just wanna I need to veg out for a minute. And it's hard to say, like, No. I have got to value and treasure these moments that my daughter is like she's verbally requesting, like, I want a connection with you, and it's the putting down your, I guess, your own, like, rest to make sure you're still, like, getting those connections with your kid. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:26]: So important. And I have definitely had those experiences where, as you said, You come home. You're just wiped, and your kid says, will you do this with me? And you just wanna say, I just need to the Sit down. Mack Brock [00:12:42]: And I fail a lot. I'm, you know, I mess I failed that test a lot, but it's something I've been challenging myself with a lot more, too, and just being aware of it And saying like, man, when when your kid is just asking. You know? And it's usually a very simple thing. They're not always asking, like, hey. Will you take me To this or take me to go do this? It's a lot of times it's just like, hey. Will you sit in my room and play with me? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:04]: As they get older, that's when they say, will you take me here? Will you take me there? Right. Mack Brock [00:13:09]: Right. I'm not quite there yet. Yeah. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:10]: I get that. I completely understand that. So I know that one of the other experiences that you and your wife have had has been in the foster arena and that you stepped a number of years back now into the world of being a foster parent too. And you've had a son come into your life that way. And so talk to me about that journey and what made you and your wife choose to step on that path and bring him into your life. Mack Brock [00:13:42]: Yes. Just a quick rundown. So we have, our oldest son, the biological son, Harvey, he's 12. My daughter, Cyrus, is 8. Then in 2020, we decided, we got our foster parents' license and decided to start fostering. And we got a little boy come to live with us named Z, and he's been with us for about three and a half years now. Mack Brock [00:14:02]: Fostering was always something that was on my wife's heart, and it wasn't really on mine. But it was kind of like, I'll take the classes, and I'll read the books and take it one step at a time, and ultimately, It became a big portion of my heart as well of, like, feeling the call to do that. And yeah. And so it was just a lot of little yeses that ultimately led to, like, the big yes of you get the phone call, and they're like, hey. We have this little boy. He's five months old. Mack Brock [00:14:31]: He needs a place to stay for the immediate future, then we'll figure out what's next. In the immediate future, a week turns into a month, turns into six months, turns into three and a half years. And so that has been, it's been a gift for us. It's been a challenge, obviously. I mean, just having a 3-year-old is a challenge. So that is what comes with the territory. But I think one of the things that is talking about parenting and all that aspect is there's been a lot of the healthy but also, like, difficult conversations with our bio kids of saying like, hey. Like, we're bringing in Doubt. Mack Brock [00:15:06]: This other person that's gonna take a lot of our attention, and he's gonna have a lot of things that we have to focus on. And that's gonna take attention away from you, or that's gonna take the time away from you. And so even just being honest about the realities of fostering or the realities of adding another kid to your family. Those have been healthy conversations. It's also just been the reality of, like, they're difficult. Those are difficult things for kids to go through, and it's led to a lot of, like, just good connections. And I think it's interesting because, for my wife and me, that's something that we say yes to. Mack Brock [00:15:42]: And when we decided to say yes to it, we wanted to bring our kids in, explain to them, here's where we're leaning. We want to make sure y'all feel comfortable with this as well. And they're kids, and so it's not like they can totally create here's my consent, and here are all the things of, you know, all these the arguments or whatever, but they were very excited about it. But it's something we've had to continue to have conversations about throughout the whole journey, and the Three and a half years that Z has been with us continue to...
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From Protectiveness to Empowerment: Dai Manuel's Insights on Parenting and Letting Go
02/12/2024
From Protectiveness to Empowerment: Dai Manuel's Insights on Parenting and Letting Go
In a recent episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, host Dr. Christopher Lewis delved into an insightful conversation with guest , focusing on the unique challenges of fatherhood, maintaining resilience in relationships, and embracing as a means of self-improvement. As the father of two daughters and an advocate for holistic well-being, Dai Manuel shared his experiences as an "on-demand dad" and discussed the emotional journey of transitioning into the empty nest phase. In this blog post, we'll explore the valuable insights and practical advice shared by Dai Manuel on navigating fatherhood, fostering resilient relationships, and pursuing holistic fitness for a fulfilling life. Fatherhood and the Empty Nest Phase Dai Manuel candidly shared his experiences of fatherhood, particularly as his daughters have grown up and moved out of the family home, leaving him and his wife as empty nesters. As a father, he discussed the emotional challenges of letting go and acknowledging the everlasting nature of parenting, even as children grow older and become independent. He highlighted the importance of recognizing the evolving role of a parent and the continuous support needed by children, even into adulthood. Resilience in Relationships The conversation also delved into the impact of empty nesting on the relationship dynamics between parents. Dai Manuel emphasized the need for intentional, consistent, and persistent efforts to build resilience in relationships, especially during the transition to empty nesting. He shared insights on the importance of using specific language and establishing a dedicated weekly date night as effective tools for strengthening the bond between partners. Dai's recommendations of relationship books such as "," "," and "" serve as valuable resources for maintaining healthy and resilient relationships. Navigating Parental Concerns and Relationships Dai Manuel reflected on the challenges of navigating parental concerns, particularly in his youngest daughter's relationship. Drawing from his experience in men's coaching and relationship work, Dai shared a meaningful conversation he had with his daughter about recognizing toxic behaviors in her relationship. He emphasized the significance of stepping in as a father to help children perceive situations that they may not fully understand. Additionally, he recommended the book "" and highlighted insights from it, which played a pivotal role in his conversation with his daughter. Embracing Vulnerability and Whole Life Fitness Dai spoke about the impact of vulnerability in fostering deep connections with his daughters and in his relationships. This vulnerability extends beyond parenting and into his brand new podcast, "The 2% Solution," which focuses on whole-life fitness. He emphasized the significance of engaging in physical, emotional, spiritual, relationship, and financial fitness as essential components of a fulfilling life. The podcast aims to provide actionable strategies that can be implemented in as little as 30 minutes a day, focusing on areas such as releasing trauma, clarifying values, and using fitness as a catalyst for overall well-being. Taking Action for Holistic Well-Being Dai Manuel's encouragement for incorporating a nutrient-dense green smoothie and 30 minutes of brisk walking into daily routines is a practical example of taking action for holistic well-being. He emphasized the positive impacts on sleep, stress management, food choices, physical changes, and metabolism, urging listeners to embrace these simple habits for positive transformation. In summary, Dai Manuel's insights offered a wealth of wisdom on navigating the empty nest phase, fostering resilient relationships, embracing vulnerability, and pursuing holistic fitness. His commitment to supporting fathers and individuals in their pursuit of well-being serves as an inspiration for all. As we navigate the complexities of parenthood and seek personal growth, Dai's advice and experiences serve as a guiding light for creating meaningful connections, building resilience, and embracing holistic well-being through intentional actions. Download Dai's Green Smoothies Learn more about Dai In the spirit of continuous improvement, the Dads With Daughters podcast extends an invitation to join the Fatherhood Insider and the for ongoing support, resources, and connection with fellow dads. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. I am really excited to have you back again this week, every week. I love being able to sit down with you and talk to you about the journey that you're on, share some of my own experiences, and really delve into the things that are challenging you and bringing people to talk to you about the journey that they have had the And things that they can offer to help your journey be even smoother than it may have already been. Every father comes to fatherhood in different ways. There's no one right way to father. We've talked about that numerous times in numerous episodes, Dog. And it's so true because the way that you fathered, the way that I fathered, is going to be just a little bit different. But that doesn't mean that we can't learn from one another. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]: That doesn't mean that we can't be vulnerable with one another and talk about our challenges because there will be challenges. It's not always going to be the Roses. It's not always going to be easy, but if you surround yourself with people who will help you, we'll lift you up. That is only going to help you be a stronger father and be there, more engaged, and a better parent in the end for your kids. Every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different men, different people who have lots of different experiences that they can share with you. This week, I am really excited to be able to bring back the Repeat guest, Di Manuel, who is with us today. Di is a repeat guest. As I said, he was first with us on May 18th, 2020. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:58]: It's been two and a half years. Been quite a while. Things have changed in Dai's life, and we're gonna talk about some of those changes that have happened. We're Doc. We're also gonna be talking about some of the things that he's doing right now to support dads and people to be able to really change their mindset, Dog. Think about not only fitness, wellness, and more but really changing your mindset to moving yourself in the right direction toward whole body fitness. And when I say fitness, it's not just about exercise, so we're gonna talk about that too. Di, thanks so much for being here today. Dai Manuel [00:02:31]: Chris, man, I gosh. The Last time we chatted was, like, a new lockdown. It was. Crazy, right, to think about wow, dude. This is awesome. I mean, it's, no, but it's funny, right, because we're connected online. Right? Like, I see you show up in my feed regularly. I see each other commenting in different groups. Dai Manuel [00:02:49]: So I feel like We've been there all the time. You know? So it's, but it's nice to be here in this formal, wow, return guest. I mean, I'm just honored to be back again. I'm like, wow. Do I have something extra to talk about? I'm sure gonna try. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:03]: Well, as I said, things have changed since the last time we talked. And the last time we talked, your kids were you had one that was graduating. You had another that was still in high school and getting ready to keep going on in high Doc. Since then, they've both been out of the house. They're both doing their thing. They're adulting in their own ways, and now they have grown and flown. And I guess I wanted to talk a little bit about that and some of the new reality for you and your spouse and to talk about some of the things that you've had to do as your kids have moved out of the house to now be able to still be a be their dad, But maybe in a little bit different way. Dai Manuel [00:03:47]: DOD, the acronym. I'm a dad on demand. Alright? Docs. It's quite literally. You know, when I think about it now, my kids, are quick to ask for help when they need it, But that's about it. Otherwise, they're exerting their independence every which way they can. And you know what? Right on. Because I mean, I remember when I was 18 and moving away from home. Dai Manuel [00:04:10]: I moved all the way across the country. You know? At 18, I graduated high school, and I was okay. Peace out. I'm gone. Dog. And I literally went from Toronto, you know, like, on Ontario all the way to Vancouver, which is the furthest I could go on the West Coast. And so I remember the excitement, the exhilaration, but also the fear, right, associated with all that. Now, with my daughters, they're both still in the province, which is awesome. Dai Manuel [00:04:32]: So they're within distance. My one daughter, you know, literally an hour away. My other daughter is about 6 hours away. So I don't see them as much as I'd like to. Of course. That transition from them leaving home, That move-out day, because we moved them. We did. We moved both of them into the universities, one on campus, the other one renting a room and shared home. Dai Manuel [00:04:53]: And just the act of moving them and then driving away. It was really hard. I didn't realize how challenging it was gonna be. I mean, I remember my mom just bawling your eyes out that day that I was leaving to get on the plane to move to Vancouver. Right? Like, I remember just losing it and being like, What's up, Mom? What's wrong with you? You know? Like, don't worry about it. It's not like I'm dying here. I'm just I'm just moving. I get it now. Dai Manuel [00:05:19]: I get it. And, obviously, I didn't bawl like my mom did, but I shed some tears. There was this feeling of a clap and just being all choked up. And that's just the, I guess, part of life. Right? We all process it a little bit differently. It was much harder on my wife, full disclosure. It was definitely more challenging for her, especially when our 2nd daughter moved away because now it was, like, the 20 years of having kids around to no kids around. And what should be the 1st to say that I'm kind of a big kid? Dai Manuel [00:05:44]: But, anyway, I at least clean up after myself. But it's been just an interesting last few months. We're in a great place now. We talk to the kids regularly. We always have a Sunday night Zoom call, all of us on the call. We do message. We have a very active WhatsApp Family feed that we're constantly sharing. We also have a family feed on Instagram for us to share some of the funny posts that we're consuming. Dai Manuel [00:06:04]: And so there's lots of regular the contact still, but it's not that face to face like I was used to. So all that being said, it's just, I hate the cliche, but I'm gonna say it anyways. You know? Such as life, and it just goes on. Right? So but, yeah, that's that's more or less, you know, the update over the last few months because it's it's been interesting. The One Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:22]: of the things that I guess that I wanna follow up on and ask you about there is the fact that you and your wife are now empty nesters, the We're gonna say Right. You're out of the house, and it's just the 2 of you now. And that is a transition for many as you have gone from a dynamic of the 1st 4, then 3, and now just the 2 of you. How has that changed your relationships, and what have you had to do? To be able to fill that gap and maybe even reconnect in some ways now that the kids are not there. Dai Manuel [00:06:56]: Great question, Chris, because I also know that this is well, let's be honest. This is a big issue for a lot of couples. You know? When the kids move out of the house, I mean I, and I hate to say this, but we all sorta know what the underlying Reality is here. And a lot of times, parents stay together until the kids leave the home. I remember my parents, they did that for the longest as they could, but they eventually got to a place where it's like, no. Dog. My dad's mental health, my mom's mental health, they needed to split. But I know that it went on for years, trying to keep the family unit together. Even though the relationship between the parents, you know, was not something to emulate. Dai Manuel [00:07:32]: You know? Like, you could tell there are issues. So this whole piece around relationships and that dynamic constantly variable relationship, this romantic relationship, you know, between my wife and I, I have to be well, then I'm gonna share with you. You know, there's 1 thing that's helped us navigate this really well. And what I mean by that is it's the resiliency to deal with stress. That's what we're all looking to improve In every aspect of life, right, like resiliency, you can make yourself more resilient, being consistent and persistent enough To build up certain tolerances, if you will, or buffers. Right? And what I mean by that is, obviously, if you do some of that exercise and work out fairly regularly, You're gonna be on the far end of healthy. Right? So if you get sick or an injury, you're gonna shift back a little bit, but you might go from being uber-healthy to healthy. So you have a bit more buffer where, you know, some people might be struggling to be healthy. Dai Manuel [00:08:23]: They get a major injury or sickness. Woah. They go to unhealth very quickly. And so it's, again, building up resilience in all these different ways. And when it comes to our relationship, there's one thing that I think's given us a lot of resilience as a couple. And I think we might have shared about this before, but Chris, I use a certain type of language. Anybody who sees my social or hears me talking about my wife, I always say we've been dating for x amount of years. Like, I've been dating my wife now going on 23 years. Dai Manuel [00:08:50]: I am very selective with that language. I'm intentional with that language. Because my wife today, Chris, is very different than the woman I met almost 23 years ago. But if I didn't intentionally, with a lot of diligence and patience, but also a wanting to constantly reconnect. Rediscover all those aspects that are shifting in us if I didn't do that, obviously, that idea of growing apart. Is a reality, but we wanted to grow together, not apart. And for that, we had a dedicated date night that was nonnegotiable. Dai Manuel [00:09:27]: Both of our calendars every week, Saturday night, 5 to 11. Boom. Nonnegotiable. Like, we have friends that call us, and they'll be like, oh, no. It's Saturday night. We can only ask Diane Christie if we ask them as a couple. You know? It's not like one or the other. Dog. Dai Manuel [00:09:42]: But this has been really a godsend for us. You know? Like this dedicated evening every week, doesn't matter how busy life is, the How much chaos is going on around us or for us or into us. Right? We know we have this little oasis to look forward to where we have that intentional energy shared with each of us, between us. And so that has been one thing that has really helped us with the resiliency in our relationship. There are other things as well. For, I recommend people read the 5 love Languages and the four agreements, two great books that I highly recommend, and there's also a book called Conscious Loving. Those are three key relationship books I recommend to anybody and everybody who listens to me, and quite frank, you don't need any other relationship books. If you had those 3, you've got everything covered. Dai Manuel [00:10:26]: The Okay? But that's really it. That piece that's allowed us to sort of sustain that part of us, you know, as a couple. And since the kids have left, It's been even more important to honor that weekly date, if you know what I mean, because it is interesting because it was just so many opportunities for us to do things during the week When the kids are around. When the kids weren't there, all of a sudden, it's like saying yes to, you know, she might come home late after work, or I might do an impromptu workout with a buddy or Go for a bike ride. Like, before, we would have had this time to come together and meet and start preparing dinner, etcetera, and that's not happening as regularly now. And so intentional date night is even more important now than it was when we had kids, which is interesting. And I know some people are thinking, oh, that's Different, but, no, it's true. It really is true. Dai Manuel [00:11:08]: Because I can see how couples grow apart when the kids go away. I really do see that. So we're doing our darndest not to let that happen. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:15]: You talked originally about the kids and how you are letting them fly and that they are they're dads on-demand type of aspect. Dog. Talk to me about what you've had to do to let go because for many men, for many fathers, you want to still be a part of their lives, and you want to stay engaged, but as you said, dad on demand, and you have to give them that space to be able to do the things that they need to do to adult, to learn, to grow, but that's not always easy. So talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to get into that mindset or get yourself in that place where you can let go. Dai Manuel [00:12:00]: Wow. That's a great question. That's a really, really great question. And, you know, I'm like, geez. I wish I could've listened episode that gave me this information before. You know? So with us, actually, I'll bring it back a step for a second. The Wonder, how do I present? Well, I'm just gonna say it as it is. You know? Whatever. Dai Manuel [00:12:19]: I'll let that it'll come out in the wash. My daughter's both dating. Okay? They both had some boyfriends boyfriend. My eldest daughter just went through her 1st big breakup, so she's sort of in that state of being single again and figuring out what that looks like, but she's been in a long-term relationship for over three years with the same guy and great guy. We, like, became part of our family quite literally. And so us as his parents, Obviously, we could be very naive and think, wow. I thought they'd be together forever. You know, it's like she's barely 21. Dai Manuel [00:12:50]: Right? Forget about it. But There was that feeling of wanting to protect them emotionally and psychologically, being there to console them, to protect And guard them against any negative. But that was something that we had to try, and it's been easier for me than my wife. The Okay. She's had a hard time with this because we both have an idea of how she can handle things better. How can you handle the breakup a little bit better? What's the intention? Where are you going after this breakup? Like, really just asking some very specific questions that are challenging, but to also help her be more reflective, But also learn from this experience because that's the thing with kids. And, I...
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From Comedy to Fatherhood: Chris Zito's Unique Parenting Perspective
02/05/2024
From Comedy to Fatherhood: Chris Zito's Unique Parenting Perspective
In a heartwarming and candid episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, the seasoned comedian shares his experiences, triumphs, and struggles as a father. From navigating through his daughter's remarkable accomplishments to supporting her through a significant life transition, Zito's journey as a dad is touching and inspiring. Join us as we delve into the insightful conversation with Chris Zito, exploring his approach to being a supportive father, a dedicated advocate, and a successful entertainer. Becoming a Father at 19 Chris Zito's journey into fatherhood began at the tender age of 19. He openly discusses the initial fear he felt about not being capable of loving his child and the challenges that came with being a young parent. Zito's honest reflections shed light on the anxieties and uncertainties that many young fathers may face, emphasizing the importance of addressing these fears and embracing the journey of fatherhood with openness and resilience. Navigating Fear and Challenges As Chris Zito's children grew and reached different life phases, he grappled with ongoing fear and challenges. He discusses his unique approach to living with and understanding fear, highlighting the significance of staying present and acknowledging past successes in overcoming fear. Zito's wisdom is a source of encouragement for fathers who may be confronting their own fears and uncertainties in the parenting journey. Unique Relationships with Each Child One of the most endearing aspects of Chris Zito's story is the distinctive relationships he has built with each of his children. From a daughter living in an RV to a son living far away with two daughters of his own, Zito's ability to connect with his children under various circumstances is both heartening and relatable. His lighthearted approach to sharing jokes and experiences of fatherhood with his children serves as a reminder of the importance of maintaining strong, supportive connections with kids, regardless of the physical distance. Supporting a Transgender Child A poignant and significant part of Chris Zito's narrative revolves around his daughter's transition. Zito grappled with his initial reactions and fears, ultimately emphasizing the importance of support and understanding for his daughter's journey. He provides a candid glimpse into navigating medical appointments and finding a delicate balance of support and time for his daughter. Zito's experience shines a light on the complexities of parenthood, especially when it entails providing unwavering support for a child going through a significant life transition. Balancing Comedy with Family Life As a seasoned comedian, Chris Zito challenges incorporating his family's experiences into his stand-up material. He acknowledges the delicate balance between honesty and humor, especially when it comes to integrating his daughter's transition into his comedy. Zito's honest portrayal of this balance resonates with many fathers navigating similar professional and personal juggling acts. Chris Zito's journey as a father encompasses a multitude of emotions, challenges, and triumphs. His resilience, unwavering support for his children, and candid storytelling serve as a source of inspiration for fathers everywhere. Through his experiences, Zito underscores the significance of being an engaged and supportive father, especially during adversity and change. His heartfelt anecdotes and wisdom on navigating fatherhood create a heartwarming and insightful narrative for Dads with Daughters listeners to embrace and appreciate. This podcast episode sheds light on Chris Zito's personal experiences and invites fathers to contemplate their journey in raising strong, independent daughters. With humor, compassion, and unwavering dedication, Zito epitomizes the essence of fatherhood - a journey filled with love, challenges, and immeasurable growth. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to actively participate in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, Independent Women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, we're on a journey together. This is an opportunity for us to talk and work with one another. And every week, I love being able to sit down with you and talk about the journey you're on To raise your daughters. And I've mentioned this many times, but as you get older, as your kids get older, there are going to be those phases, those ebbs and flows, the ups and downs, and I love talking to you about this. It's important that we talk about this because there's no one right way to father. There are many ways that you can father, and you can learn about the many people around you, but also, every week, I love being able to have different dads joining us and different people who are joining us that can help you along that journey, and you can learn from them as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:20]: This week, we got another great guest. Chris Zito is with us, and Doc. Chris is a father of 4. He definitely has kids that are grown and flown. We're gonna talk about that. But definitely, we're going to have some opportunities to learn from his own experience and help you in the journey that you're on. Chris, thanks so much for being here today. Chris Zito [00:01:37]: My absolute pleasure, Chris. Thanks for inviting me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:39]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love to start by first being able to have the power to turn the clock back in time. And wouldn't we all like that at at points in time? But I would love to have you go back to that 1st moment. That first moment that you found out you were going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head? Chris Zito [00:02:02]: Well, first of all, I was 18 when I got that news. I was 19 when she was born. You know, I always joke that Dog. I went to college for 1 year. I majored in psychedelic drugs and got my girlfriend pregnant. So it was not the ideal way to begin fatherhood. Dom. But the other thing I always say about her is that she was unexpected but never unwanted. Chris Zito [00:02:22]: Because even growing up, Dog. I knew I wanted to be a father. I wanted to have my own family. I just didn't expect it to start as early as it did. And, of course, I also had no idea exactly what I was in for. Doug. I used to make this joke in my stand-up act about how her parents were freaking out. My parents were freaking out. Chris Zito [00:02:39]: She and I weren't even freaking out as much Docs. Because we had no idea. You know, I said to my dad, we're in love. We don't need money. He said, oh, that's great because you won't have any. And, of course, he was right; the poverty got boring in a hurry, but so that was hard. I didn't know that it was gonna be a girl until she was born. This was before gender reveal parties, and even people found out through ultrasound what the gender was gonna be. But so, for me, it was a typical first-time father. Chris Zito [00:03:07]: Doc, I had no preference. I wanted a healthy child, and so that's what we got. And I should work as I often as I do in just about every conversation. That Baby grew up and today has a Ph.D. Doctor Kagoshawl, as I often refer to her. That's her married name. And so I like to throw because I gotta tell you, Chris. When something like that happens, I blame the parents. Chris Zito [00:03:27]: Like, to take a little credit if something goes Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:29]: right. Right? You definitely wanna do that and take credit where credit where you can, but also help to raise up your daughter and shout from the rooftops, Docs. When things are going well, especially in this world of social media, sometimes that's good, and sometimes that's bad. It's not always a good thing, you know when people tend to see only the positive things that are happening in people's lives, but, you know, it is something that we deal with. Now I know that; as you kinda said, you didn't know what you didn't know. And every dad goes through that as you go into it. And a lot of dads that I talk to talk to me about being fearful, Especially when it comes to having a daughter. So what was your biggest fear in raising daughters? Chris Zito [00:04:11]: Well, I can tell you that while her mother was pregnant. And I had never been a father before. I had this fear that I wouldn't love this kid. I mean, that was something that just kinda came out of nowhere. I honestly thought, well, what if the baby is born and I'm just kinda, nah, whatever? Now, of course, that was not the case. It was much more like love at first sight. It was an immediate connection. It was, as I'm sure you've heard a lot of fathers say, that's up there with the best days of my life, especially her because that's when I became a father. Chris Zito [00:04:38]: But, of course, I Dog. I had this feeling of wanting to protect her and wanting to the early part of her life because I'm a guy in recovery. I'm a recovering alcoholic, And I got sober when she was about 7 or 8. So the 1st part of her life, I wasn't as thoughtful of a father as I would become later on in her life. So a lot of times early in her life, my big fear was that, do I have enough booze in the house because they don't sell anything on Sunday? But I also had a lot of fear of financial insecurity, the Constantly chasing rent, and, I mean, we probably moved every year the 1st 5, 6 years of her life because the rent would go up, And then we'd go out and get a lousier apartment until things started to get better. And when I talk now to young dads, I talk a lot about that fear because I was a young kid. I was derailed in my college career. I didn't have a career. Chris Zito [00:05:28]: I was barely employable. We didn't have any money. But one of the things that I learned as years went by, and I've met so many fathers over the years. And now that I talk to dads, I find that that man becomes a father for the 1st time later in life. Let's say a guy's pushing 40, and he gets the news that he's gonna be a father. He has a career, some money in the bank, and a dog. And when I talk to these guys, they express the same fear that I remember having, and that's what I tell young dads. Like, it doesn't matter your circumstances. Chris Zito [00:05:59]: No, this fear is gonna come up because you always feel like, is it enough? Is it am I giving my kids enough? Am I gonna have enough? Are they gonna be well-fed? They're gonna be well dressed? Are they gonna be well educated? Are they gonna be well prepared to have a successful life? I mean, Those are huge questions. That's a really big thing, and that's what makes the job so important. Those are big, big questions. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:22]: They are big questions, and I think every dad struggles with them. You know, your kid goes off after high school to whether it's to college, whether it's to trade, whether it's to work, And you start to see them spreading their wings a bit, and there's a fear at different points in your kids' lives. The fear that you have when your child is first born, as they go to school for the 1st time, as they get into middle school, as they get into high school, as they go off into college, the Each of those phases, each of those times in their life, the fear is just a little bit different. And then as you're I'm I'm sure, and you can you can the Talk to this a lot more than I can right now. Once your child gets beyond high school and whether they've gone to college or not, then They go out on their own for the 1st time. There's more fear. And so I think that fear doesn't just end for a parent. It's always there. Chris Zito [00:07:18]: Well, that's why I mean, I feel like, you know, we're never gonna be able to eliminate those fears completely. So what I tried to learn how to do, and I learned a lot of this in recovery, is learning about what causes the fear, how to live with the fear, and how to diminish the fear. And the thing about fear is that everybody that you meet, when I talk to dads about their fears, I maybe don't know their specific fear, but I know where it lives because all fear lives in the future. Everything we've ever been afraid of, it's always something that hasn't happened yet. So one of the first things I point out to these dads is we're here together tonight. Every fear you've ever experienced, whether it came true or not, every disaster, every catastrophe, every emergency, every difficult situation you've ever faced, you made it through. You made it through all of those, and the evidence is that you're sitting. We're all here together tonight. Chris Zito [00:08:04]: So we've all made it this far, and that's something that's important to remember when a fear pops up In my day, so first of all, talk a little bit about mindfulness. I don't like to use that word because it kinda conjures up this sort of DATSON. It seems so complicated, but the way I put it is, I'd like to keep my head where my feet are. And so then I'm living in the now. So if I'm in the now, what's gonna happen next, dogs? It isn't as fearful. Doesn't create that fear. The fear comes when I'm thinking about what's gonna happen next so much. Chris Zito [00:08:33]: But if I'm the Keeping my head where my feet are, it's not gonna happen as much. I can stop, and I can pause, and I can remember all the evidence that's behind me that tells me I'm gonna be able the get through whatever's coming next. And that's immensely important to remember. It's so easy to forget when the fear comes up that, oh, yeah. I faced this fear before, and guess what? And you know what? Everything worked out. Maybe not the way I thought it would, but we're still here. So that's the good news. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:58]: That is the good news. Now I mentioned at the beginning that you've 4 kids. Each one of your children is different from one another, and they come, as you talked to me before, from 2 different marriages. And so every father with multiple kids has to be able to develop those relationships in unique ways and maintain those relationships, the has to build them throughout their kids' lives and maintain them throughout their kids' lives. Talk to me about what you had to do as your kids were growing, but even now that they're adults, you have had to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your children. Chris Zito [00:09:33]: Well, they all live in such different situations, too, So it sorta comes naturally. Like doctor Coggeshall, who I mentioned, she and her husband sold their house, and they bought an RV. And they live in an RV. They both work, Doc. Remotely. They're both well-educated. They're both professionals, but they work remotely. And so they live in this RV. Chris Zito [00:09:51]: It's like them in an RV park, And they're the only ones under 70. You know? Almost the only ones under 70. And so whenever I talk to her, it's about that life that she's chosen, And she just sounds so happy doing it. It just blows my mind. I get off the phone with her. I guess she just sounds so happy. You can't ask for more than that. Now my son, who's about to turn 40, has two daughters. Chris Zito [00:10:14]: He's given me two granddaughters. Now that's the great news. The bad news is they live in Pensacola, Florida, and I live in Massachusetts, Dog. I get to see them that often. And he and I talk a lot about being a dad. He's the only one of my children that has children, and so I always joke with them. You know? I always tell them, you know what, Ben? You gotta remember. You come from a long line of dads. Chris Zito [00:10:35]: So make sure that you're, you know, I mean, the name of my podcast, and my talk is Doc. Like it's your job, and so we talk a lot about fatherhood. It was typical. I had that same experience when I became a father. My relationship, the way I saw my father, changed dramatically quickly once I became a father. So he and I talk a lot about His daughters and the younger one I hear from all the time. With today's technology, she sends me these videos on Facebook Messenger, and she'll reach out. And we FaceTime all the time. Chris Zito [00:11:06]: The other one just turned 14, and she has about as much time for me as she has for a dad. So now the ones that are home, my daughter Mackenzie is the 23. She's about to graduate from college. Her big concern is trying to find a job in her field and maybe move out. And so my wife and I tried to reassure her. We don't have a calendar where there's no clock ticking. You know what I mean? I think she feels like the day after she walks to get a degree, her bags are gonna be packed at the front door, so we try to reassure her because I don't know if you've looked at rents out there or you know. I mean, it's it's hard for kids to get out on their own. It's harder than ever. Chris Zito [00:11:41]: And then, the baby is a senior in high school, and she is openly trans. She came out to us about a little over two years ago, And she is just now starting her medical transition. So when you see her, she sort of presents as gender nonconforming, but Dog. She is, and she just signed with a modeling agency because she's 6 feet tall and 140 pounds, so she's built like a runway model and has long, Thick, wavy hair. And so she's been navigating a lot of that, and that's a lot of our conversations are just making sure that She gets to her medical appointments, that all of that stuff is covered, that she understands everything that's happened, that we all understand each other, that she continues to get that sort of support the Hey. We're with you. We don't use her dead name. We had pictures of her when she was little Vincent, and I've asked her multiple times, hey. Chris Zito [00:12:35]: You want me to get rid of these pictures? Dom. Because that's something that because we've, you know, studied up on this, and I don't know. She's very patient with us. She's very relaxed about that sort of stuff. I think that she's kind of like, no. That's, that's that was me. That was me. I'm okay with those pictures. Chris Zito [00:12:51]: So those are the kind of things that we deal with a lot with her. And then, of course, the usual high school Duff. How are your grades? When are you gonna be home? Who are you gonna be with? Trans or not, she's an 18-year-old girl, and so there's still a lot of those same concerns. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:04]: So talk to me about that because you had 3 other children that conform to the gender that they were at birth. Dog. You have a 4th child that throws a little bit of a curveball, and you and your spouse have figured that out and have worked through that. But others who may be just starting this process may be trying to figure it out for themselves. What does that mean for our family? How do we best support our child? You know, what can we do to be there for them? What did you have to do to be able to get to the point where you're at now . I can see I mean, you are...
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Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men with Sean Harvey
01/29/2024
Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men with Sean Harvey
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, host Christopher Lewis welcomes , the Chief Compassion Officer and founder of the . Sean is passionate about helping men heal their wounds at a soul level to embrace the truth of who they are. He co-founded Project Compassion, a coalition of culture transformation, masculinity, and compassion experts, focusing on working with police departments and military services. Sean recently released his book, "Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men," which serves as a roadmap for men's soul healing and systems change. Sean shares his journey into men's work, a 10-year transformational path that started when he worked for Eileen Fisher, a women's fashion company. He discusses the impact of the company's feminine leadership on men and how it led him to engage in men's work. He also emphasizes the importance of a soul-level approach to healing and compassion, acknowledging that men need to heal unmet needs, limiting beliefs, and past traumas. Christopher and Sean talk about breaking down barriers related to words like "vulnerability" and "compassion," emphasizing the need for an environment where men feel safe to open up. Sean highlights the importance of self-compassion and loving oneself unconditionally as a catalyst for positive change within families. They discuss Sean's book and its guided journey, outlining various components of healing and transformation. The book is an on-ramp for men to engage in meaningful conversations and contribute to the transformation of society's oppressive systems. Sean encourages men to find a community where they can go deep and connect with others to combat loneliness and isolation. In their conversation, they explore how embracing deeper connections, intimacy, and love can lead to healing and transformation, allowing men to become more patient, reflective, and present fathers. They also stress the significance of having a community of men who check in on each other. This episode reinforces the importance of community, compassion, and self-discovery as essential steps for men on their journey to becoming the best dads they can be and healing themselves in the process. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We're figuring this out as we go along. There is no one right way to father, and there's not one right way to go through life as a man as well. And, You know, every week, we have opportunities to be able to talk about this, to be able to delve a little bit deeper into this, to see what each of us can do to be Engaged, present, and be a part of our family's lives. And I do that. We do that Through talking with other guests as well. Christopher Lewis [00:01:01]: And every week, I have the pleasure of bringing different people on with different Experiences coming from different walks of life that are able to provide you with Tools for your own toolbox that can help you to start thinking about things in different ways and potentially framing things in different ways that will help you To be better in all sense of the word. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Shawn Harvey is with us. And Sean is the chief compassion officer and founder of the Warrior Compassion Men's Studio And Symphonia Facilitator Studio. And he is actively involved in contributing to men's work communities around the globe And he's passionate about helping men heal their wounds at a soul level to begin to love the truth of who they are. Sean cofounded the, Project Compassion, a national coalition of culture transformation, masculinity, and compassion experts Developing a compassion centered system change model and consulting approach for police departments and federal law enforcement agencies, Military service security forces and defense. And most recently, he has a brand new book called Warrior Compassion, Unleashing the healing power of men that was just released, and this book really offers a road map for men's soul healing As a catalyst for systems change. I'm really excited to have him on to talk more about the journey that he's been on to help men around the world And about this brand new book, and I'm excited to have him here today. Christopher Lewis [00:02:46]: Sean, thanks so much for being here. Sean Harvey [00:02:48]: Thanks for having me. It's great to be here. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: It is my pleasure having you here today. Love what you're doing. Love the the the concept. Like, I wanna turn the clock back in time because You've done a lot of different things that have led you to where you are today. You and I you and I were talking about all the different degrees and all the different aspects and all the things you've done in your career. But I guess first and foremost, as I talked about the fact that that you are the chief compassion officer and founder of Warrior Compassion Men's studio. So talk to me about Warrior Compassion Men's Studio and this work that you've been doing over many years to Work with men at this, maybe I could even say visceral level of being able to talk to men About things that not every man wants to talk about. What led you to that, and what led you into working with men at this level? Sean Harvey [00:03:39]: Well, I, I appreciate the years you've added to the experience. This has really been a 10 year journey. So on my 40th birthday, I was I was As a college professor, I was working on Wall Street. And on my 40th birthday, I gave it all up because I lost my heart and soul in the job, and I resigned. And within 2 weeks, I went to work for a fashion company, Eileen Fisher. And it was there that my whole life turned upside down. It was like it basically Saying yes to that role changed the trajectory of my life and brought me to men's work. So actually working in a women's fashion company brought me to men, which Hey. Sean Harvey [00:04:16]: Hey. I think there were 3 pivotal moments in my experience at Eileen Fisher. 1, I just to get the job, I had gone through an 8 month interview process. And on my 1st day I started the job, my 2 bosses sat me down, and they said they said to me, Sean, we we wanna acknowledge that You have proven yourself in the interview process. We now want you to stop proving yourself and learn how to be who you actually are. When you interviewed with us, you showed us your heart, and you showed us your polish. We hired you for your heart, and we wanna see less of your polish. We don't care about your accomplishments. Sean Harvey [00:04:49]: We wanna see who you are. And so that really, I think, was permission to be able to start going on my own journey. Then they the company sent me to an art for 5 months in Canada To learn how to incorporate the arts in a creative facilitation, and so it's part of my work. And it was the 1st weekend that I was there that I really heard the call to work with men. And and I and I had gone to work for Eileen Fisher to not have to work with men ever again. So knowing that I was being called to work with men. I knew this was above my pay grade, and I knew this was on some sort of spiritual path, and it was more of a calling. And so I just started following the spiritual breadcrumbs. Sean Harvey [00:05:30]: And the third, I became the head of personal transformation and well-being for the company. And I started noticing in the company how men were being transformed by being in an organization, in a company that was 83% women, That was really built on feminine leadership and and the business model was based on feminine energy. And the men would say to me now we would talk about the ways we were changing, It would often start with either my wife said or my girlfriend said that I listen differently. I'm more patient. I stopped needing to do right all the time, and I started to be more curious. I started to express my emotions more freely. And they the men started noticing that they were tapping into their creativity differently, and they were solving problems in new ways. And last, and I think most important, they would tell me they felt more comfortable in their own skin because I think there's a freedom that was allowing men to just kinda come into who they really were. Sean Harvey [00:06:22]: And I said, you know, we need to kinda bottle this and take this out to more men as opposed to the 200 men that work in this company we only accounted for 17% of the organization. And so with that and and there were also a lot of spiritual teachers and guides, and there was A lot of spirituality at work. I knew if we're gonna do real work with men, that's gonna be healing work. It had to be done at the soul level, and that's what led me to seminary. And I went to seminary for the sole purpose of working with men and really creating a men's ministry of sorts, which is essentially what I'm doing. And 2 days after I said my vows, I received the next call, which was to work with police. So I was moving from New York to Asheville, North Carolina, From East Harlem, New York to West Asheville, North Carolina. And it was the chief of police of the Asheville Police Department. Sean Harvey [00:07:09]: There's a video that I received, and then it was Post George Floyd, there was a there was a Black Lives Matter protest. Police were called in. They destroyed a medic tent. They made national news, and this was a Call to reform the department and if if members of the community wanted to be part of police reform efforts. I emailed the next day because in seminar, they say when you hear the call, you say yes no matter what, even if you don't think you're qualified. But because of my credentials and my background, that led to a 1 on 1 with the chief of police. And In our conversation, he asked me 2 things. He had 2 asks. Sean Harvey [00:07:42]: Can I help him deepen the level of compassion for his officers? And can I create conversations between community members and officers that humanize each other for a new relationship going forward? And I said yes It's what I do. And that ask led to a group of us finding each other. And the, you know, members of the FBI, Someone on our team is the former head of the FBI National Academy at Quantico, military officers, culture experts, masculinity folks, And we all came together and formed this national initiative. And as I had started coming into the men's work and started to see that this was My area, you know, working with police, military, defense, and working with really, when I left Asheville moved to DC, and everyone that was reaching out to me, they were they were operating they were working in hypermasculine systems. So police, military, the NFL, all of these places that you could consider male dominated, traditionally masculine or hypermasculine, And really bringing this message of compassion into the fold. And I think at the at the root of of the healing, you call it soul healing, you call it compassionate healing, What is how to help men deepen their level of compassion? Christopher Lewis [00:08:59]: Let's talk about that a little bit because sometimes for men, words can be triggering When you talk about being vulnerable, being compassionate, using some words can throw up roadblocks in front of us As men. And some of that comes from the way that we grew up. Some of it's society. There's lots of different pieces. So Talk to me about in the work that you do, either 1 on 1 or with groups. How do you start to break down those barriers that those words potentially Can build so that you get to the inner core and the inner person underneath. Sean Harvey [00:09:43]: So I would agree that these words can be triggering, and I'm very intentional about the language I use. And because I believe Language can be used to reclaim and reframe. And so if it is trigger triggering or activating, I get curious about what that's about. But at the same time, I I think part of it, For me, that allows me to come into the spaces is is is a combination of energy, the energy I bring in, the invitation I offer, The approach that I take and my story. And I've been able to go to some of the Craziest communities or or or wildest communities where I would not expect to be received, and I'm able to be Dave, I'm able to be heard. In the probably 7 years 7 or 8 years I've been doing this, not 1 person has ever objected to what I'm saying. I've never gotten feed pushback on the message. And I think part of that is my approach. Sean Harvey [00:10:41]: I think part of that is that I speak to the yearning of men that they can't articulate. And I think it's something that men are often craving yearning yearning for. And then when given the right that they can hear, there's a receptivity. I found early on, it's not about the head on collision. It's the drive by. When I've gone to the direct jugular of the issue, That doesn't usually bring bring folks in. But if there's an opening that guys can see themselves in and I think where we are, especially because I I am a I am a queer, progressive New Yorker who works with conservatives and then the right wing echo chamber. And I work with From conservatives to white nationalists and far right extremists on their healing work. Sean Harvey [00:11:26]: And the common thing I hear is that they find me nonthreatening, and they feel safe opening up. So that becomes less about the words I use and more the environment I create For them to be able to feel safe enough to be able to start to explore. And I and I think the other pieces and I I think a lot of a lot of what I've seen And a lot of this type of work is someone showing you the way, which I think can we're like a man to constrict. This is the way to be a man. This is what manhood is. This is the definition of masculinity, and I don't do any of that. I come from a place of I mean, as a professor, I was always using Socratic method. I'm just Always asking the questions. Sean Harvey [00:12:07]: And I believe this is more of an inquiry that for each man to define The definitions for himself based on his own experience, and, also, this is really the work of helping him find his own truth, Not for him to acquiesce to a narrative or a truth that defines sin, where we've had enough folks Giving us in a society, giving us definitions of the should, of how we should be. And I am always saying, let's just break the script and say, alright. So Who are you? And those sorts of things, I think, just create openings for the conversation and also is has to do a lot of bridge building across the conservative and progressive divides. And coming in without an agenda has opened a lot of doors to be able to have those types of conversations. Christopher Lewis [00:12:56]: So one of the things I probably should have asked at the beginning is that you work on healing. Define for me what your definition of healing is and why the men that you're working with or many men may need some healing in their life. Sean Harvey [00:13:14]: When I was writing the book and we were coming up with the title, the book was written out of out of a program at Georgetown. And we talked about this, that For a lot of men, they're hearing the message that they have to change because something's broken. They're broken. Something's broken. And we, you know, we said, no. That's not what it is. Many men are wounded because we're human. The challenge is a lot of us are wounded, but we don't have access to the healing. Sean Harvey [00:13:40]: We don't have access to the ways of connecting, reaching out for self care. When we look at the rates of suicide addiction, violence, Depression, trauma. The numbers for men are are continue to rise and are typically Double or triple more than women. And at the same time, when we start to look at them for police and and military and vets, Those numbers even go higher. And so I think it's that the healing is and what I I define it in the book, healing our our unmet needs, Our limiting beliefs and our shadow. And the traumas we've experienced, the wounds that we faced from early in in our lives as well as Things that happen or the experiences we've had in our lives that we just keep going and and don't deal with it, don't dwell on it, And don't give attention to it and think that everything will be fine. And the reality is it carries with us. So my book really reflects my healing journey, and then I really dissected all the different components from my healing journey That I can be think could be helpful for men could be anything from connecting to nature, finding community with men, Learn relearning how to play to, you know, ex exploring psychedelics, healing the inner child wounds, healing the You know, the list goes on and on of what I incorporate into the book, but it's really just offering a road map of these are different ways you can think about Healing, and you can really be in an inquiry for yourself of what's gonna help you discover your own truth beyond the protective layers that you've created From conditioning and life in general. Christopher Lewis [00:15:20]: I know you work with all types of men. Some are fathers, some are not. For the men that you work with that Our fathers, how do you find that this work helps them to be Either more engaged or more present or more themselves within that family dynamic. Sean Harvey [00:15:40]: I think it's the first thing I said about How what men say how they were transformed Ryan Fisher. They become more patient. They're more patient with their kids. They're more patient with their wives or or partners. They listen differently with with a different level of of understanding. They have an ability to self manage their anger. They're more reflective. And, Ultimately, I believe this work is about deepening your own. Sean Harvey [00:16:03]: When we talk about deepening compassion, what what I'm really talking about 1st, starting with your own self compassion. And, ultimately, what this book is about is helping men learn to love in a new way from and, I just gave a sermon last week. It was called From Love With Conditions to Unconditional Love. And when you can move from an intellectualized version of love with conditions To a visceral experience of unconditional love, that's gonna have a ripple effect in your family and for everyone in your family. Christopher Lewis [00:16:31]: We've been talking about the the book that is out now, Warrior Compassion unleashing the healing power of men. And I know in that book, it is a guided journey. It's It's talking about your own experience, but also the work that you've been doing. As you are putting this book out in the world, I know how much time and effort it takes to write a book. I've I am an author. I know that it is a passion project for many, many hours and many, many weeks and months and sometimes years. So as you put this out into the world, what is your biggest hope in regard to those that are reading this and what you want them to take out of the book. Sean Harvey [00:17:13]: I...
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A Father's Promise: Jonathan Ramirez's Commitment to Breaking the Chains of his Past
01/22/2024
A Father's Promise: Jonathan Ramirez's Commitment to Breaking the Chains of his Past
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast we welcome , a new father, project intern at Icstars in Chicago, and artist. We discussed Jonathan's journey of fatherhood, starting with the emotions and fears that come with being a new dad. Jonathan reflected on the overwhelming love he felt when he first learned he was going to be a father to a daughter. He also shared his concerns about raising his daughter in a world where women can be disrespected and undervalued. His fears included navigating the challenges his daughter might face due to gender bias and helping her through heartbreak. The conversation shifted to Jonathan's vision of introducing his daughter to his culture, family, and values. He emphasized the importance of family and respect and shared his determination to instill these values in his daughter. He recounted his own childhood experiences and how his mother's reliance on family helped them through difficult times. Jonathan also acknowledged the value of respecting and empowering women and wants to teach his daughter that societal norms and gender biases do not define her worth. Jonathan shared some of the unique experiences he had working at a restaurant. Jonathan mentioned how he initiated conversations with patrons who had children, seeking advice on fatherhood. He learned valuable insights, such as the importance of bouncing a crying baby, finding a babysitter, and the significance of balancing work and family life. Jonathan also shared his challenges in balancing his roles as a new father, intern, and restaurant worker. He talked about the struggle of leaving the house to go to work and the strong desire to spend more time with his daughter. Despite the challenges, he developed a routine of bonding with his baby girl after returning home. Jonathan opened up about his past and the anger he once harbored towards his own father. He reflected on his journey to forgiveness and acceptance, realizing that his father was just a human dealing with difficult circumstances. This personal growth has allowed him to become a more positive and loving father to his own daughter. The conversation concluded with the challenging topic of how Jonathan plans to discuss his nine-year prison experience with his daughter in the future. He shared concerns about how to broach the subject and whether to reveal this part of his past. This episode offers you a candid and heartfelt conversation about fatherhood, family, and the challenges and triumphs of raising a daughter in today's world. Jonathan's journey and personal growth provide valuable insights into the complexities and responsibilities of being a father. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Everyone, this is Chris. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be Strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have this opportunity every week to be able to talk, to learn, to grow, And to help each other to be better fathers. And I love going on this journey with you because no matter if you have kids that are brand new Or if they're in their teenage years or if they're adults, you're always gonna be a father, and there's always gonna be something that you can learn. Always gonna be something that you can do to be able to stay engaged, stay present, and do all kinds of things to be able to stay in the lives of your kids, And that's what's the most important. I love bringing you different guests, different dads, different people that are walking different paths, But they have things that they can share with you to help you in this journey that you're on. Christopher Lewis [00:01:12]: This week, we've got another great guest with us. Jonathan Ramirez is with us, and Jonathan is a father to a brand new daughter that was born in August of this year. So Brand new dad. He's also a project intern at Icystars in Chicago. He's a freelance Photographer. He's done been doing that a little bit. He's done a lot of different things. We're gonna talk about some experience that he's had working at a restaurant and learning from other dads. Christopher Lewis [00:01:42]: So we're gonna have a great conversation today. Really looking forward to be able to have him here and to share his experience With you, Jonathan Singh. Thanks so much for joining us today. Jonathan Ramirez [00:01:51]: Thank you so much, Chris, for that introduction, and I'm honored to be here. I really, really am. I enjoy Podcast I've watched already. A couple when I heard about it, and I got some great advice through here. Thank you for having me. Christopher Lewis [00:02:04]: Now usually, when I have dads on, they're not always As young of fathers in regards to the fact of having their child just recently but one of the first questions that I love to ask to turn the clock back in time. Now you don't have to turn it back as far probably as some of the some of the dads that I talked to. But let's turn the clock back To that first moment that you found out that you're going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head? Yeah. Jonathan Ramirez [00:02:29]: It's not that far ago. I think I felt the same way When I heard of the heartbeat, like, as soon as they told us the gender, my heart melted. And I was like, I'm stuck. It's over with. I already love Her mom so much, and I do everything, anything I can. I just know that same love was gonna be the same for my daughter. Like, it's gonna be a little mini hurt, And I'm like, I I'm not gonna have time for myself anymore because I I run around now like crazy for Savannah, and now I'm gonna be doing it for Bella Rose for sure. Christopher Lewis [00:03:01]: Now I guess for you so far, as you think about being a father to a daughter, There, I talked to a lot of dads and a lot of dads say that there's some fear that goes along not only with being a new parent, but being a father to a daughter as well. What's your biggest fear In raising a daughter. Jonathan Ramirez [00:03:16]: That's a good question. I've been thinking about that every single day since. There's several fears. Number 1, I've seen so many people just Disrespect women just because they're women. No. Like, just the fact that they're a woman, they all they'll tuck over them or they'll belittle, and In the conversation, I see Savannah when I see my daughter, to be honest. And she is someone that's been spoken over over and over and over. And and her voice Might be small, but she has a lot of value in what she does say because she's incredibly intelligent. Jonathan Ramirez [00:03:49]: She's in College right now, I have to be a psychiatrist, but I see how she's been treated. I've seen how she's been treated by her teachers, her professors, just because she's a female. I've seen how she's been treated by her exes and my own sister as well growing up with her. She's only, like, 2 years younger than me. I mean, I've seen how tough It is for women and the differences for men. And my fear is I don't know how I would explain how to teach her that, how to teach her that, look, What how they see you, how they treat you is not because of the view. It's a social norm that's evolved over time, and I wanna be able to Show her how to overcome that. But not being a female myself, I don't know exactly how she would do that. Jonathan Ramirez [00:04:33]: Like, mine would be theory, not Experience. So I guess that is one of my fears. Another fear is just her coming to me and telling me how heartbroken she is for the 1st time. And I know she's It's only 2 months, but, yeah, I think about it. It's like, man, am I gonna have to go and, like, like, go talk to someone's parents and be like, hey. You check your kid or Something I don't know how far I'm gonna go. I'm gonna be the crazy dad. You know? So I just don't wanna see her with her tears looking at me, looking for A solution, and I don't have one. And I'm afraid that I that when she comes to me for that help, that I'm clueless. I don't wanna be the clueless father. I wanna be like, okay. Let's Let's figure this out together, you know, and let's go find you whatever you need. I think those are probably the fears that I've actually been thinking about. I'm sure there's probably others that I haven't thought about because I'm, you know, a new dad. But for now, these are the things that flag my mind, I guess, every now and then when I think of the future. Christopher Lewis [00:05:33]: One of the things that I would love for you to talk about too is you have a child now, and every person as they enter into fatherhood have To define for yourself what it means to be a father, but then also what it means to be a part of A family, a culture, and being able to inculcate that into your own children and Allow for your children to be able to understand what it means to be a part of the larger family Whether your larger culture. For you, how do you hope to introduce your daughter as she grows older to Your culture, your family, and be able to instill the values that are important to you. Jonathan Ramirez [00:06:20]: So that is one of the main things that I, hold very highly is family, is respect, And, also, I think I was just going to be involved like I usually am because our family is pretty big. And so there's certain parts of our family that have disappeared and fallen off. That's because they just don't feel like they wanna come out to the parties or Not just parties, but get togethers, celebrations, and what have you when the whole family gets together. I did that growing up. Every single Christmas, we went on as as a whole family, like cousins, aunts, uncles. And not only that, When my mom was going through hard times and we couldn't find the rent or we got kicked out of the house or she couldn't get to work because she just got in a car accident. I got in, like, 7 car accidents. Sorry if you're listening to this. Jonathan Ramirez [00:07:12]: But the thing that instilled in us was she was always able to rely on that family. She was always able to call her sister, my aunt or her brother, my uncle, and I seen it with my own eyes how powerful that was. When we didn't have the rent to afford an apartment, I mean, we went to my aunt's house and lived there for a couple months. And that growing up was huge to me. Like, man, this is the power of community. This is the power of family. And I hope I'm not Able to not pay the rent and having to show her that way. But I do wish to show her that family is important by being involved In families that and maybe even helping other family members. Jonathan Ramirez [00:07:55]: Maybe that's the way I can show her. I'm glad you said that because now I have that solution in my head for whenever that does come about. But, another thing is the respect. That is something that a lot of people don't I feel. I don't know. I don't wanna generalize, but I feel like respect has not been a priority A lot of people in recent times around me, around people I talk to. And and that's I wish I could teach her that, but not in a way that I was taught. I guess I would have to ask other fathers because I I don't have the answer how I would do it because I haven't done that experience yet. But the experience that I had, I did not feel like that was the right way to learn respect. And Christopher Lewis [00:08:36]: Do you have any ideas? I know you said you wanna talk to other dads, But you said that there are things that you do not want to pass on. What are some of those things that you don't want to pass on that are, or you're trying to break the cycle In a way Jonathan Ramirez [00:08:49]: I'm gonna give you a little bit of backstory before I answer that question. My mom's a single mom, and I was 4 years old. My brother was 3 years old, And my sister's 1 year old, and my mom is a single mom. And she had to work 2 jobs to afford everything. That was the position I was in when My mom needed help at home. And who is she gonna ask? She's gonna ask her oldest son, and that's me. So I was the one who had to get my brothers and sisters up or sometimes they have to get me up. But most of the time, I was cooking for them, and I was always rushing because my mom was always rushing me, and that's something that stuck with me. Jonathan Ramirez [00:09:25]: I feel like I gained a lot of good things out of that through those experiences. Like, I love being on time. I do not like being late, and it bugs me to the core. I mean, like, team management. I call it team management, but, really, it was just me telling my brothers, god. Let's go. We're going. We're late for school. You know, I'm only a year older than them, And I'm yelling at her, get ready. What are you guys doing? You're gonna get me in trouble with moms. And it has affected me because, like, Savannah is the total opposite. She It's late everywhere she goes, and it bugs me and bugs me to a point where it's not a good thing. It's like, come on, babe. I swear we said we're gonna be there 5 minutes go, and I do not wish to pass that along to my daughter. I don't want that that stress to consume her because she feels that she needs to be on. Savannah is so carefree, and I envy her for that. Jonathan Ramirez [00:10:17]: And I hope our daughter can find a in between, like being on time and respectful, but not stressing overly too much like I do. And the only way I can see that actually Me not actually passing the answer is working on myself. I'm a role model, and I don't wanna be the role model that says and not does. Christopher Lewis [00:10:37]: Appreciate you sharing that. And it's definitely you know, each father, each person that has a child brings their own History, their own baggage, the things that they have to work through, and it's not always easy. And Some people have more than others that you have to be able to work on internally. You have to work with other people on. And as you think about that for yourself, it sounds like you do have some that you're working on and that you're going to continue working on to make sure that That you break that cycle, and and that's a good thing. So I just commend you for doing the work. It's not gonna be easy, But it is a day by day thing that you'll have to work on as you are trying to be that best dad that you wanna be. Jonathan Ramirez [00:11:23]: Thank you so much. Christopher Lewis [00:11:24]: Now I know that You are doing a lot of different things. You are, you know, you're an intern at IC Stars. You are I mentioned you're a photographer, but you also worked a restaurant, I mean, you're you got a lot of plates in the air. You're a dad. You're supporting your your significant other. So talk to me about balance, and how do you balance all of that And still be able to stay engaged with your young daughter. Jonathan Ramirez [00:11:48]: Actually, I have put up the photography hat because I actually do paint and sips. I have my own business, and I am currently trying to only do libraries For free. I wanna turn into a not for profit because libraries were my own my escape as a childhood, and I wanna give back to them. And the way I balance it is so I still work at the restaurant. I work every weekend. So I gotta break down my schedule to Monday through Friday From 8 to 8, I'm a IC stars intern, and I get there an hour early and sometimes more Because I take the bus at 5:30 in the morning. And when I get home, I don't get home till around 9, 9:30 at night. And that's the time as soon as I walk in, I say hi to Savannah, give her a hug, and I let her know that I miss her. Jonathan Ramirez [00:12:42]: Throughout the day, I text her that I love her, and we keep Keep each other updated, but the first thing that I do right after is I hold my baby. And I spend time, 30 minutes to an hour depending on how long I get stuck staring at her because I just love staring at her. I mean, I could get lost just messing with her, just looking at her and Playing with her little hand. She's so tiny, but I know I still have work to do. So I make sure I spend that time So she can see my face. I don't want her, 4 months down the road, be like, who's this guy? I haven't I haven't met this guy yet. So I make sure she sees me every night. I got really great advice I'm a doula. Jonathan Ramirez [00:13:19]: And then she said, when you get home, create that routine with your daughter. And I took that to heart, and I have been trying my very best Every single night I get home to hold my baby right after I give my hug and my kiss to Savannah. Then Saturday, I work a double At Cooper's Hawk, almost every Saturday, and I don't start till 10:30 to 11. So the mornings is my time to be with the baby, and that's when I get to give Savannah a break from Constantly feeding and waking up to put down the baby, that's my time to shine. I I wake up really early every day anyways. So I'll get up early around 5, 6, 7, depending on how I feel. Because Saturday is like the day or depending on if the baby wakes up. But if the baby wakes up that morning, I make sure I'm the one who holds her. I get the baby bottle and I feed her. I let Savannah sleep in basically because she is a notorious person, she before the baby, she would sleep until, like, 3 in the afternoon, and now she can't do it. And I feel so bad. But on those Saturdays, She gets to sleep in, then I go to work. And then when I come back, I do the same thing. I hold my baby right after being with Savannah for a bit. And those Saturday mornings, I also make breakfast because I know Savannah deserves, you know, that treat. Not a treat, but Savannah deserves Me being more involved, and she's doing something incredible for me, and by holding down the house and the things that I can't take care of myself for now. And then Sundays, I try to only take 1 shift at the restaurant, and I try to move it either afternoon or night depending on what we have planned. Like this Sunday, we have a double date with another couple that we had met, and that's another great advice I got from the restaurant. Jonathan Ramirez [00:15:01]: They're like, hey. Remember, you guys are a couple that you need to go on dates and stuff. So since the baby's so young, we met a couple that has also a very young baby. I think their baby is only 7 weeks older than ours. And so we're we're gonna have like a play date for the babies, which they're not really gonna play, but it's more like for us to get together and enjoy some time Together as a group. And and my business, I don't try to over schedule myself because I do have a lot of things on my plate. So for the pan sips, I try to do 1 every 2 to 3 months so I don't overwhelm myself. It's not about the money. Yeah. The money's great, But I need to think about my family. I just I wanna be able to be there and not just support. I wanna actually be there. Christopher Lewis [00:15:45]: So you've been mentioning the restaurant, and I know that that's one of the things that you do as you mentioned, and It takes up quite a bit of time, but as you've been working there,...
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Through the Changing Tides: Paul Glezer's Insight on an Evolving Father-Daughter Relationship
01/15/2024
Through the Changing Tides: Paul Glezer's Insight on an Evolving Father-Daughter Relationship
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast we welcome to the show. The episode focuses on Paul's journey as a father, raising his daughter, and navigating the challenges and joys of fatherhood. Paul Glezer shared his unique journey into fatherhood. He described the moment he found out he was going to be a father and how it made him feel a mix of joy and an out-of-body experience due to the simultaneous passing of one of his musical heroes. Paul also shared his initial reaction to finding out he was going to have a daughter and the overwhelming happiness he felt, envisioning her as "daddy's little girl" and "daddy's little princess." The conversation delved into some common fears of raising daughters. Paul mentioned the fear of not knowing what it's like to be a little girl and dealing with the challenges unique to daughters. He reflected on his experiences of navigating the complexities of fatherhood and appreciated the early development of his daughter's strong personality and ability to engage in conversations and tackle life's questions. As his daughter has grown, Paul shared that they bonded over physical activities. He talks about their shared love for gymnastics and how they trained together using gymnastics rings. He highlights the satisfaction of being able to share those moments and connect on a physical level. The discussion also touched on the peaks and valleys of fatherhood and the challenges Paul faced when his daughter's security and self-esteem were threatened. He emphasizes the importance of guiding and building resilience in children, even when it's emotionally challenging. Regarding the balance between personal and family life, Paul stresses the importance of filling one's own cup and setting personal goals for self-care. By ensuring that they take care of themselves, fathers can be more present for their children and partners. The conversation also explores the "Girl Dad" hashtag and the special bond between fathers and daughters. Paul believes in a unique connection between fathers and daughters, whether it's a perceived phenomenon or reality. He expresses his love and pride in being a girl dad. The episode concludes with a discussion about Paul's initiative, and . He explains how the group focuses on providing advice and support to fathers to help them maintain their physical and mental health, enabling them to be more present for their families. Paul offered advice for dads who are hesitant to change their health and lifestyle habits, emphasizing the importance of starting with easy wins. He encourages them to take small steps and build on their progress over time. The Art of Healthy Dads serves as a valuable resource for fathers looking to improve themselves and their relationships with their families. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Hey, everyone. This is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters, where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. I'm excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, we have an opportunity to be able to connect, to be able to talk, and And be able to walk on this path that we're on together. I've told you in the past, I've got 2 daughters myself. I know you've got daughters if you're here, and Every dad's journey is just a little bit different, and it's important. It's important to be able to connect. It's important to be able to hear these differences and be able to hear the way in which Different dads are fathering because there's no one right way to father. Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]: There's no one right manual for how to be a father, But we can learn from every dad around us, and it may not be easy to go next door and talk to that dad next door And be able to admit when things are aren't going the best, but sometimes you can listen and you can take in some different Thoughts, some different perspectives, and build a toolbox for yourself. And that still doesn't mean that you have to do it alone. It just means that you have an opportunity to be able to learn, to grow, and to be able to help yourself to be able to be that dad that you wanna be. That's what this show is all about. Every week, I love being able to sit down with different people, different dads, different experts that are bringing different types of experiences to the forefront that will help you to be able to be a better father. Christopher Lewis [00:01:52]: We've got another great dad with us today. Paulie Glieser is with us today, and Paulie is a Christopher Lewis [00:01:58]: father of 2. We're gonna be talking about his journey as a father himself. He lives in Melbourne, Australia, and we are I'm really excited to be able to learn from him and his experiences and to welcome him to the show. Paulie, thanks so much for being here today. Paul Glezer [00:02:12]: Thank you so much for having me on the show, Chris. It's an absolute pleasure to be here, and, thanks Making the time in the evening over in Michigan. Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]: Well, I appreciate you giving me some time in the morning where you are that we we found that there's about a 14 hour difference Between where I am and where you are, but I love being able to have dads from all over the world to talk with them Because every dad's journey is a little bit different, and I love starting these conversations with a opportunity to To go back in time, to turn the clock back, we'll say. And I'd like to turn the clock back all the way back To that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, what was going through your head? Paul Glezer [00:02:53]: Well, firstly, before we delve in, I just wanna Congratulate you and your community on what an incredible document you're preserving for fathers, specifically of of Girls out there and daughters because it's a really special connection between fathers and daughters to be able to grow, develop, and To have, you know, these stories to be able to reference is is really special, so thank you for your contribution. So The moment I found out I was a father was a different time to when I found out I was a a father of a daughter. The moment I found out my wife was pregnant with our child. It was the same day I found out one of my musical heroes passed away. It was a very Weird time that, like, to have that amazing experience of getting that information, I was just overwhelmed with joy. If you were to isolate that and then, there was this kind of, I suppose, out of body experience between this birth and death realm that was going on in my, inner world as well. But then fast forward to the birth of our child Finding out I always said during the gestation period and the the pregnancy, I didn't have a great preference over whether it was a a boy or a girl, Son or daughter. And when we found out that our child was a daughter, we didn't find out previous to the birth. Paul Glezer [00:04:16]: I was just, I don't know. Something within me just was like, I'm so happy. This is a girl. She's gonna be daddy's little girl, daddy's little princess, and I was just overcome with Emotion, overcome, cried for days. Christopher Lewis [00:04:29]: I've talked to a lot of different dads, and dads tell me that not only is there fear in Becoming a father just in general, but there a lot of times for dads with daughters, they say that there's a fear of raising daughters in some ways. What What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Paul Glezer [00:04:47]: Firstly, I would say my biggest fear of raising children in general has been I've never done this before. And you can't read any manual that is gonna give you a blueprint because you are A complete unique individual, and the fruits of your loin are completely unique individual. So that was, like, completely disarming but liberating In the same way, because I knew that anything I did was gonna be right and wrong depending on how we kind of danced through the sea of life together. And then there was the added complexity of me. I've never been a little girl before, so I don't know what it's like to of the challenges associated with being a little girl, and it's just amazing. You know? I I say at the beginning of her childhood, I always So fatherhood at the beginning is it's there's no doubt. It's it's not easy, but it's simple. You keep your child alive. Paul Glezer [00:05:39]: You sleep when they sleep. You change their nappies. And then once they start to develop these little personalities, all of a sudden, they're Challenging you there, having these opinions on life, and I've got a feeling my daughter had opinions earlier than Some. And it was great to be able to have these conversations with her and to tackle life's bigger questions at an early age. Christopher Lewis [00:06:03]: Now your daughter is 5, and during those years, as you said, your child starts to have their own personality. You start to identify things that make them tick, make them excited, make them happy, make, you know, the things that they enjoy doing. And those may or may not be similar to things that you enjoy doing as well. What would you say is the What are the favorite things that you and your daughter like to share together? Paul Glezer [00:06:30]: I'm a very physical person. I enjoy using my body a lot. And From the moment my daughter was born, she was just glued together really cohesively. She walked early. She ran early. She did sports early. She did everything where she could express herself physically in quite a cohesive manner, and she took that and she ran with it. Pardon the pun. Paul Glezer [00:06:52]: We were able to share That experience of expressing ourselves physically together. I get my gymnastics rings up in the back of our house, And we experience learning different training technique as a father and daughter. We'd experience different gymnastics moves together. Growing up, 80, My daughter was probably more kind of gravitating towards mom for a period of time. I want mom to put me to bed, I feel like I I was sitting on the bench for a little while and just enjoying the supportive role that I had. And this is not a woe is me story. It's just The reality of the way it is and ebbs and flows. And and of late, she's given me the ring in, and she's daddy's little girl of late. Paul Glezer [00:07:34]: And I'm, like, Rolling up my sleeves, and I'm like, okay. This is daddy's time to shine. I want daddy to put me in a bed. And this is gonna come in various different, peaks and troughs and, stages in in life. But right now, I gotta tell you, the connection that I am having with my daughter, Being able to share the small things in life with her has been truly remarkable and also very validating for me because my daughter looks at me and She says, daddy, what do you think? I'm like, yeah. This is nice. Christopher Lewis [00:08:04]: Onto it now because as they get into their teenage years, it might change. You never know. Paul Glezer [00:08:08]: I'm sure. Christopher Lewis [00:08:09]: So as your daughter has has gotten older, as you have already said, there's been peaks and valleys. There's been ups and downs. There's There's different phases, different stages, and with those comes some challenges along the way as well. It's not always going to be easy To be a parent, as we all know, what would you say has been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Paul Glezer [00:08:33]: I'll use my, I suppose, my most Recent experiences as guidance. Having any kind of difficulty where my daughter's security as an individual is threatened, and that can be through having being left out of a playing circle between 3 kids for a day. That just goes so deep to my heart, and it Breaks me into a 1000000 different pieces because I'm sitting there thinking, I know what it's like to have experienced something like that in my childhood, feeling unvalidated, Feeling threatened, feeling like you're less than in a social environment. And for your daughter to experience something like that At such a young age, which I'm sure every son and daughter will experience in their life, as the father of a daughter in that protective mechanism that is inbuilt in us, I feel, becomes really, really upgraded and becomes, like, super intent. And then my rational mind comes into play and says, well, this is an exercise of resilience. How is she gonna be able to tackle this? How is she gonna be able to endeavor to be able and our role as parents or my role, I saw as a dad is to be able to guide her, give her examples of how this has affected me in my life in the past, And see how she takes it and runs with it. And it's been incredible to just see how this tiny little baby 5 years ago has developed this, Not just this ability to be able to think independently for yourself, but to be able to look at unique situations And then riff on them and grow before my very eyes. It's remarkable. Christopher Lewis [00:10:08]: I know that you're a busy guy. You know, you are an entrepreneur. Where you are doing a lot of different things and balancing those things, balancing the different hats that you wear As a father, as a husband, all the other hats that you also put on, talk to me about how you balance all of that So that you are present and that you are engaged and able to be there for your daughter. Paul Glezer [00:10:33]: So the one thing I've learned, and I've learned this The difficult way, the uncomfortable way at the beginning of parenthood is I need to be able to fill my own cup up, whatever that looks like, In order to be available for my children, for my partner, for my friends, I need to be able to feel full myself. And feeling full Criteria wise, now can be very different to what it felt like when I was 20 years old. But being conscious of what that looks like, Setting those goals, filling my own cup up, and then knowing that when I'm, coming home from a day at work and I'm with my children and my daughter, I can and this doesn't always happen 100% of the time, but I can put my phone down. I can leave it and just be completely and actually present with my daughter. And I've and I've realized that taking your children on big holidays does not excuse not being present For the small transient moments in their life, I actually feel like those 5 minute bursts of transient Connection consistently put together far more powerful experience for your children than going, I don't know, taking your your children to club med or whatever it might k. Christopher Lewis [00:11:48]: So true. So true. And those little moments add up to big moments, and they and kids reflect back on them. And what I've come to find is you can't get those moments back. And if you are completely checked out, If you're on your phone, if you're not there, if especially when your kids want you to be there, then As they get older and they don't want you to be there, they remember you not being there too. And it's So important to be able to, especially as your kids are young, to invest the time in to build that solid relationship So that as they get older, they know that you're there, that you can always that they can come to you. And as they Stretch their wings and look for more autonomy that they still will come back, and they still want you around Even though they want that autonomy at the same time. Paul Glezer [00:12:49]: I couldn't agree more. Well said. And to me, the the word that comes up when you are discussing something like that is trust. Them trusting you to be attentive, present, and available for them in these times in their life. They may not look or appear to be the most Vulnerable times in a a kid's life that it's like every time you are attentive, it's like a a dollar in the bank, that trust, mechanism that you can flex, that muscle that you can flex between yourself and your daughter. And I think that has a compound interest that you said can probably That probably rates its benefits later on in life as well. Christopher Lewis [00:13:28]: Appreciate you sharing that. Now I've been talking to a lot of dads recently about a hashtag that keeps coming back up. It's been around for many years, and you may see it in your neck of the woods. You may not. But the hashtag girl dad has been around for Quite a few years now. As you hear that, and it may mean something to you, and it may not mean something. But what does that mean to you? What does being a girl dad mean to you? Paul Glezer [00:13:51]: The hashtag Girl tag to me really just it it's hard to explain in words, but to me, there appears to be a very unique and special bond Between a father and his daughter. And, you know, you've got 2 daughters. And I have a daughter and a son, and they're both incredibly special to me. But I can my relationships with both of them are unique, and I definitely see the connection between my daughter and myself. There's something inherent between what a daughter kind of experiences with her father. Whether I perceive it in my own mind Or it's reality. I'm not sure that yeah. I can definitely say that special bond between a daughter and dad. Christopher Lewis [00:14:35]: Well, I appreciate that. Now I mentioned at the beginning that you have been doing some of your own work with other men, with other dads, and you have a group Called the art of healthy dads, and you're working as you said to me prior to us starting to talk, You've been working in kind of physical and mental health spaces and and trying to help dads in other ways. I guess, Talk to me a little bit about this this group that you've started, the Art of Healthy Dads. You know, why did you decide that this was something that you really wanted to to start For yourself, for others, especially as an offshoot to because I know that you also were the founder and owner of Hero Life as well. So talk to me about why you started this group and why was it important for you to start this group? Paul Glezer [00:15:26]: So I I mentioned that when I first Became a father. Well, first, let me rewind a little bit more. A lot of my friends became fathers before I did, and I saw A certain consistency in health decline amongst my friends who became parents, both physically and to a certain extent mentally and emotionally. It was a it's a lot to take on board the transition from not being a parent to being a parent. And I saw that, and I was I thought to myself, From a physical standpoint, I've been a health coach for 20 years, and I thought to myself or at this time, 15. And I thought to myself, there's no way I'm gonna drop the ball on This one. I've got all the knowledge. I've got a lot of experience in training people, All the nuts and bolts associated with nutrition, la la la. Paul Glezer [00:16:16]: Needless to say, I dropped the ball when I became a father. The transition was So far out of left field for me, I really, really struggled with it. And it took me some time for me to pick up the pieces and to understand that This is such a delicate fine balance to being able to give to be able to serve yourself and to be able to give to yourself so you can be available for your...
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Breaking the Silence: Malcolm Newsome's Journey in Addressing Miscarriage and Loss
01/08/2024
Breaking the Silence: Malcolm Newsome's Journey in Addressing Miscarriage and Loss
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we welcome , a children's book author from the Chicago area to the show. We discuss Malcolm's diverse background in software consulting and cybersecurity. They dive into Malcolm's children's book , which is inspired by the loss of two unborn children and reflects his personal journey as a father of five. The conversation explores Malcolm's experiences as a father, especially when it comes to parenting daughters. He shares his initial excitement upon learning he would be a father to a girl and his mental and emotional preparations. They discuss the fears fathers often have when raising daughters and the significance of fostering a unique bond with each child. The episode delves into how Malcolm balances his busy life, including work, writing, and being a father to five children. He emphasizes the intentional decisions he's made to prioritize family time and be present in their lives. Malcolm shares his approach to building unique relationships with his daughters and how he embraces their individuality. He highlights the importance of letting them be themselves and supporting their interests, whether they align with traditional gender norms or not. The conversation takes a heartfelt turn as Malcolm discusses the grief he experienced after the loss of two unborn children and the societal pressures fathers face when dealing with such tragedies. He acknowledges the need for more open conversations about pregnancy loss and offers insights into how he processed his own grief and found support in unexpected places. Malcolm introduces his forthcoming children's book, , which tackles the issue of shattering stereotypes and empowering young girls, especially black girls, to speak their minds confidently. He shares the inspiration behind the book and how he's using it to create a positive legacy for his own daughters and young readers alike. Finally, the episode concludes with a glimpse into the author's personal connection to his books, sharing touching moments when his children experienced and embraced the stories he wrote. Malcolm reflects on the emotional impact of writing these books and how they've strengthened his bond with his family. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Hey, everyone. This is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. We're excited to have you back again this week. And as always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have a great opportunity every week To be able to talk and walk on this path together of raising daughters. It's not always easy. It's not always going to be that Straight and narrow path, but it's important it's important to have these conversations, to talk, to know that you're not alone, And to know that there are other dads just like you that are struggling through it, that are working through it, that are working to be the best dad that they can be, and that's what this podcast is all about. I love being able to talk with you every week and bring you different guests Bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can help you to be that better dad That you can learn from what they've gone through because every father's journey is just a little bit different, And there's no one right way to father. Christopher Lewis [00:01:24]: So being able to listen to other dads and to connect with other dads is definitely something that All of us need to be able to be the best dad that we want to be. So today, we've got another great dad with us. Malcolm Newsom is with us. And Malcolm's a children's book author from the Chicago area, and he has worked in a lot of different areas. He used to be a vice president of a software consulting firm and now works in cybersecurity. But on top of that, like I said, he's a children's author. We're going to be talking about 1 book that he wrote called Dear Star Baby, and that book is a book that was written After the experience that he had with the loss of 2 unborn children. And we're also going to talk about that. Christopher Lewis [00:02:13]: On top of this, we're going to talk about another book that he has coming out in the near future, and we're going to be learning, of course, more about his own journey as a Father of 5. I'm really excited to have him here. Malcolm, thanks so much for being here today. Malcolm Newsome [00:02:27]: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I really love that intro. So much of what you said is true and resonates with me. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]: Now I know you've got 5 kids, 3 boys, 2 girls. And I'm gonna focus on those girls because, you know, this is the Dads with Daughters podcast. So I want to turn the clock back in time And go to that 1st moment, that first moment when you found out that you're going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Malcolm Newsome [00:02:53]: I actually did not find out Until she was born, and this was very intentional because at the time that she was born, Was just as the gender reveals were gaining popularity, they've been around, but they were really starting to become a much bigger thing where people were doing these much more elaborate gender reveals. And my wife and I made an a very intentional decision in that we did not wanna find out prior to. And This was, I I think, an important decision because as we'll get into, I always saw myself as A dad to girls, and I always wanted a daughter even from my high school days. And so we fast forward. We're in that moment. My wife gives birth, and, you know, it's just it's the it's it's almost those that moment of, like, feeling like Time is slowing down. Everything's in slow motion because I'm waiting for the doctor to say, you have a And it's it's a baby girl. You know, it's one of those that it's it's hard to capture the feeling. Malcolm Newsome [00:04:08]: It's hard to capture the emotion and all of that, But I can see it. You know? I can play it over and over again in my mind, and it's so vivid, but it's also, yes, in slow motion. Christopher Lewis [00:04:18]: Oh, I know that the first 3 kids that you had were boys, and you've now had 2 girls as well. Talk to me about the difference And what you had to do to parent and father and maybe a little bit of a different way for your daughters Dan, you may have had to have done with your sons. Malcolm Newsome [00:04:41]: One of the things that I told myself fairly early on is that I really wanted to kind of avoid the sort of stereotypical or typical mode of raising a girl, like, You know? So I very intentionally would never call her princess, for example. I was not super into, like, Oh, we're gonna do a bunch of girly things. I really did not wanna do that. And To that end, I decided also early on that so when my first son was born, I gave him the nickname mister chairman. And Then my so when my 2nd child was born, I was like, okay. What's what's that nickname gonna be? And so that ended up being mister president. The third one ended up being mister Monarch. And so now we have this this trend of nicknames, and I and I wanted them to have nicknames that were ones that where they could see themselves in positions of leadership and influence and all that. Malcolm Newsome [00:05:45]: And so I I made the decision early that I there like, no. There would be no princess. Like, I'm not using that. And I gave my first daughter The nickname, miss director. And throughout her growing years, I started to realize it doesn't matter what I say because she ends up being girly girl, all about princesses, All about pink and glitter and shiny things and stars, and I'm like, she is who she is, and that was none of my doing because I really tried the hardest I could to to give a different perspective. So, nevertheless, it's fun. In terms of how I parent them differently, I don't know. I it's a hard question to answer From the standpoint of I really have tried my best to mirror what they show me in terms of who they are, even from early ages. Malcolm Newsome [00:06:45]: And so if they're into you know, like I just mentioned with my daughter, if, you know, she's into dolls and stuff like that. So, alright, let's Support that, but she will run outside and play in dirt and play in mud and pick up bugs and all that. And so I'm like, alright. I'm here for that too. Right? And She loves gymnastics and flipping and stuff like that. Alright. I'm here for that. And and so what I try to do is let them be who they are and encourage Who they are to the best of my ability. Christopher Lewis [00:07:16]: Thanks so much for sharing that. You know, one of the things that a lot of dads have daughters tell me is that When they have their daughters, especially if it's a first time dad, but sometimes if it's a first time father of a daughter, that there's some fear, some fear That goes along with raising daughters and stepping into that new role of being a father to a daughter. What would you say has been your biggest fear In raising Malcolm Newsome [00:07:41]: daughters. My biggest fear is knowing that they're growing up in a world in a Society, that is going to devalue them. My biggest fear is evil lurking around the corner. Unfortunately, I rehearse all of the Potential terrible things that happen to women. Everything from cat calls to harassment. And that's not just women, that's girls too. Right? And so that starts at an early age. Those are my biggest fears with regard to raising girls, and so I don't know that that will ever go away, but a lot of the way I parent is to try to plant seeds in them Such that such that they can navigate the cruelties of this world. Christopher Lewis [00:08:25]: Now I mentioned the fact that you're a children's author. You work in cybersecurity. You're a busy guy. You've got A lot of things going on, and you've got 5 kids. You're balancing that. You're you're wearing a lot of different hats. Talk to me about balance And what you had to do to be able to balance all of these things that you do with also being able to be that engaged Father that you want to be. Malcolm Newsome [00:08:50]: Balance is a hard thing for me. I think that ultimately though, usually, the way I answer that question is The way I think about balance is that often means that there's a lot of things I don't do and there's a lot of things that I cannot do, and so I'm I feel like I'm kind of Often or have often, at least in the past, made intentional decisions to preserve family time, to preserve Creative time to preserve reading time, like those sorts of things. And so that means that I don't regularly go out for night Nights on the town just hanging out with buddies. That that means certain things. That means I don't watch a whole lot of TV or spend a whole lot of time on social media So that I can be present, things like that. So these are intentional trade offs that I make. That means I needed to say no to certain opportunities, Again, to preserve family time and preserve the priorities that I have in my life. Christopher Lewis [00:09:45]: Now you mentioned you have 5 kids. I said you have 3 boys and 2 girls. And one of the things that comes to my mind is that every father has to be able to find ways to build those unique relationships with their kids. You've got your 3 boys and 2 girls. Talk to me about what you had to do with your daughters to be able to build those unique relationships With each of them knowing that every child is a little bit different. Malcolm Newsome [00:10:14]: Yeah. That's such a good question. Unfortunately, that my wife Also values that, and we both value this, like, individual connection and individual time With our children, and we and so that is something that we think a lot about. And so what we have done is and we really honestly should do it more than we do, but, Usually, it works out to be a couple times a year. We'll we'll do, like, daddy daughter dates or Mom son dates or whatever or just daddy child date sort of thing where even if it's just going to get like, an intentional going to get ice cream With just one of the kids or something like that that set apart something that we don't normally do to try to have individual alone time with our Kids, and I feel like that's probably been the most helpful thing is because once you sort of get Them away from the normalcy of life, you see different sides of them too. They show up in a different way, and it's it's really kind of fascinating to see. So, yes, we try to do that. Things with my daughters, I've done you know, I mentioned ice cream. Malcolm Newsome [00:11:23]: We've done daddy daughter dances, stuff like that, Pedicure pedicure dates or just going mini golfing, things like that. Just going out to have some fun. Christopher Lewis [00:11:32]: Mentioned at the beginning of the show that you are a children's author. You have a book called Dear Starbaby that you wrote after the loss of 2 unborn children. And I guess first and foremost, What I'd like to do is go back and turn things back just a little bit to have you give me the story. Tell me about the impetus for the book, why you decided you wanted to step into the realm of writing a children's book, But then let's talk about this topic. It's a painful topic. It's a topic that that everybody talks about. Why did you delve into this topic And move into this area to write about this painful topic. Malcolm Newsome [00:12:16]: The moment where I put it together that I feel like I have something to say On this topic was when a fellow publishing colleague posted on Twitter just that She had been struggling with her miscarriage, and it was this sort of, we need to talk about this more, and she was kind of Making a bold stance and sharing about it, and it was that sort of like, yeah, you know, nobody talks about this. And That was true of my own experience where when we suffered our 1st major miscarriage, it was Kind of like all of a sudden, I started to find out, like, oh, this person's experienced that too. Oh, this person. Oh, this person. And then But you don't find out until you're going through it. And hopefully, you've you know? And not everyone finds out like that, but and so it was like, wow. There's this whole mystery To this horror that's happening, estimates of, like, 1 in 4 people. And so I had since our first miscarriage, I had done so much processing and had talked to folks here and there that had also lost babies and struggle to mostly men, and I felt like I had at least in those conversations, I felt like I had a perspective that I wanted to share. Malcolm Newsome [00:13:35]: And where this Also is important as it relates to the daddy-daughter conversations because our first miscarriage was After our 3rd son was born, and the thing that I struggled with the hardest again, going back to the fact that I always wanted A girl. The thing that I struggled with the hardest was, what if that was my daughter? What if that was her and I never get to meet her? And so through that Pain and that grieving process, that processing, I started to realize that for myself, the hardest part of this whole thing was Confronting the fact that I had an expectation of a future reality that now was not going to be that, Now I had to kind of rectify because, at least for me, when I got the news my wife is pregnant, I'm like, okay. It's a done deal. Pregnancy loss was nowhere on my radar, And so so I start organizing my life around these hopes and dreams, this sort of to me, in my mind, it was like an automatic thing. And yeah. So then I had to regroup. And so a lot of that for me is also representative book, the Kind of wondering and wishing the hopes, the dealing with, I wonder what this could have been, but it's not going to be that anymore. That was the hardest thing for me, and that's what I also try to represent in the book, where which I felt like maybe others Would resonate with as well. Christopher Lewis [00:15:03]: No. You're completely right that when you talk about this topic, it's not something that many men talk about. I've heard women talk about it, and it seems like there is community around women that they can find and support for women as they go through That process for themselves, but a lot of men seem to bottle it up. And they don't always Surround themselves with support in that regard. For you personally, as you were going through that for yourself, how did you find support? And how did you find that support and balance that support for yourself while at the same time your wife was dealing with her own loss And you were dealing with that together. So in all of that, you and your wife were grieving. Malcolm Newsome [00:15:50]: I think the reality is I probably would not have done it very well had it not been for a couple of really good folks That I had in my life. And because, let's face it, one of the things about our society is that most of us are taught as men To just like, you gotta move forward. You gotta take care of everything. You gotta make sure the family's good. You gotta make sure there's a sort of sentiment that, at least, I grew up with That that you don't you don't buckle under pressure. You just need to keep going. Right? And I think, at least in my experience personally and my experience talking with other men, is that they've Felt similarly and that it's almost this sort of sentiment that we grew up with that there's no time for grieving. You gotta push through and be the support, And like I said, fortunately, it worked out for me in that the job I had at the time, the woman who was running our HR, I let her know because, you know, I go into work, and I'm like, alright. Malcolm Newsome [00:16:50]: This is what's happening. I need a little bit of time off here, and She recognized correctly, and she asked me if she could connect me with another guy who at the company who had experienced Loss as well. And she got my approval for that. I said, sure. Yeah. I'm happy to check with him and see if he's willing to share all this. And So almost right away, I had another male and somebody that I respected and trusted that I could connect with. He provided resources. Malcolm Newsome [00:17:21]: He he was a sounding board. He was somebody that I could talk to, connect with. And so I felt like I was kinda lucky in that regard Because it's so much the norm that, to your point, men are sort of left out of the equation even today that Men are sort of forgotten about. No one really checks on them, see how you're doing, etcetera, etcetera. But, yes, my experience was kind of, In many ways, the opposite of that, in that I had the I had the good fortune of connecting with this, another man who had dealt with it, and he checked in on me for For some length of time, and that was a beautiful thing. Christopher Lewis [00:17:58]: Now as you and your wife were grieving, you're also a family. And as parents, You're grieving the loss of your child, but you're also parenting your other kids. And they may or may not understand what's going on Depending on how much they knew about the pregnancy upfront....
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Navigating Fatherhood: A Journey of Raising Daughters and Overcoming Mental Health Challenges with Cordan James
01/01/2024
Navigating Fatherhood: A Journey of Raising Daughters and Overcoming Mental Health Challenges with Cordan James
In this episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we welcome , the newly appointed executive director of , a 501(c)(3) organization that is the host of this podcast. Cordan James is a father of three, one of whom is a daughter and he opens up about his journey into fatherhood, sharing his excitement upon learning he would be a father to a girl. He recounts his preparations, both financial and mental, and the steps he took to ensure he was ready to provide and protect for his family, emphasizing the importance of mental health in his journey as a father. Cordan reflects on his past experiences as an army veteran dealing with PTSD and the importance of maintaining his mental well-being as a parent. The conversation also discusses fears that fathers often experience in raising daughters, with Cordan acknowledging the fear of failure and the concern about maintaining a strong bond as his daughter grows older. He highlights the significance of intentional parenting and creating a unique connection with his daughter. Cordan elaborates on the special activities and shared experiences that have strengthened their bond, from touching moments and engaging in activities to volunteering together as a family. The discussion further explores how Cordan balances the demands of work, running his own business, and being the executive director of Fathering Together while prioritizing his family and centering his life around them. Cordan's approach to work and family life allows for effective balance and aligns with the organization's mission. Cordan shares his journey into the Fathering Together communities and the impact they had on his perspective of fatherhood. He attributes his decision to become the executive director to the example set by other fathers and the dedication to fatherhood that he witnessed within the community. He discusses his vision for the organization, emphasizing the importance of equality, breaking the stigma around fatherhood, and supporting fathers in being intentional in their roles. Cordan underlines the significance of fathers knowing they are enough and having a support system to drive positive change in the perception of fatherhood. In conclusion, Christopher acknowledges the ongoing work required to change the perception of fatherhood and praises Cordan for stepping into the role of executive director to lead the organization into its next phase. The episode is a testament to the importance of fathers' roles in parenting and the community's dedication to supporting one another on this shared journey. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, Independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have an opportunity to be able to Talk together, work together to be able to support each other in this journey that we're on in raising daughters. Such an important journey, such an important job that we all have in being fathers of daughters. And I love being able to sit down with you every week, to be able to have these conversations, to be able to work with you and talk to you, to hear from you About the things that you are dealing with, the struggles that you're dealing with, whatever it may be. Every week, I also love being able to bring you different guests. People that are walking this journey alongside you or have resources that'll help you to be an even more engaged dad, A better father in the end. Christopher Lewis [00:01:16]: And this week, we've got another great guest with us. Corden James is with us today. And Corden is the brand new executive director of Fathering Together. We've been talking about Fathering Together for years, And Fathering Together is the five zero one c three organization that this podcast is a part of. And Corden joined our organization, Okay. Actually, quite a while ago, but joined us as the executive director just recently. And we're gonna get to know him a little bit more. But first and foremost, We've got to get to know him more as a father first, Cordan, thanks so much for being here today. Cordan James [00:01:52]: Absolutely. Honored to be here, Chris. Christopher Lewis [00:01:54]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love being able to talk to different dads about the experiences that they've had. You got 3 kids, one of which is a daughter. I wanna go back in time. I wanna turn that clock all the way back to that 1st moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Cordan James [00:02:10]: I was excited. I've always wanted to have my daughter. Just as soon as I found out, I, you know, I started the books and finding out all I could about raising a girl. First of all, just having a baby, period, and what my goals and responsibilities are. And then, you know, from that kind of plan in my legacy as far as being a father to her, getting myself set up and financially stable and my mental health in the right place. And yeah. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]: When you said that you needed to get your mental health in the right place, talk to me about that. What did that what does that mean to you, and what did you have to do to prepare yourself? Cordan James [00:02:40]: Well, Chris, I am an army veteran. I, you know, spent 5 years active duty army. So when I speak of mental health was really making sure that I had my anxiety in check, my PTSD that I experienced at war and just from life, being able to just find my calmness, find my spirituality, And, you know, I think most of all, just being able to to be present for fatherhood. You know? There's no there's no workbook when it comes to raising children, Raising a daughter. I'm used to raising boys, and I think that's a it's a different approach raising a daughter. Christopher Lewis [00:03:14]: As a veteran, as someone that has dealt with PTSD. There are other dads that are dealing with that as well, and some may have Dealt with it and and really worked through it. Others may have set it to the side and are still working through it themselves. Talk to me about the journey that you had to go on and what you had to do to prepare yourself and get through, Like you said, in getting yourself mentally ready, but to work through that PTSD that that you Have in your life. And I say have, because I know that it's a constant journey. But talk to me about what you had, what you have to do on a daily basis, On a regular basis, what you had to do prior to your daughter being born to be able to work through that PTSD. Cordan James [00:04:03]: Absolutely. I think coming home from Iraq, it started off with Therapy. Being able to meet with my VA therapist on a regular basis, setting that up. I would say another important thing for me was, fitness, Being able to to check my health, being on a regular workout schedule, and, you know, some of the other things like doing things for myself. I think after serving in the military, you know, there's 1% of us Serve in the military, so it's not like I'm able to walk around every day with people that who share the same experiences as I do. So that, you know, that vetting myself, Finding security within my own self, getting on a great schedule that took care of me first before I'm able to pour out for my children and my my partner at her mother, you know, that it took reading some books on how to how to speak to children, you know, on how to to get to their level, to bring a level of understanding. The normal development of a child was important for me to understand. Right? Having anxiety and PTSD. Cordan James [00:04:57]: Sometimes, you know, screaming from a child can be very triggering. When you're not able to control the situation, you're not able to calm my child down. Those are things that I faced as a father. Christopher Lewis [00:05:07]: So in having this in your life And having this as something that you're constantly working on. How do you talk to your kids about PTSD And what you're dealing with, because mental health is not easy to talk to anyone about, but let alone when you live with individuals or have people in their life and they don't understand what's going on. So how do you or how have you Been able to talk to your kids about this so that they understand it and that they understand what you're going through. Cordan James [00:05:38]: I think probably the one of the most pivotal times for me was In waking up with my child, kinda had a rough start to to the day, and I was having a very rough time commuting with her. And I had just looked looked in the very back of the seat, and I told her, hey. Hey, baby. Daddy's gotta process something, and it's gonna it's gonna look differently than what you're used to seeing, but I feel like I'm gonna cry. And at that time, I had I had found out about Emotional freedom techniques or tapping. And so I had let her know that if daddy's gonna process something, that I'm okay, but I'm gonna tap and let these emotions out. And I went through that. She asked if I was okay. Cordan James [00:06:12]: I ended I did end up breaking down, having some tears and some some calming affirmations to reassure myself that I was in a safe place And that I was okay. And I think the you know, we talk about modeling as a parent, modeling the behavior of processing my emotion. Right? I set aside time to process it. I did my tapping, which is my self care, right, caring for myself. You know? And I think where most paid off was a few weeks later, I remember hearing her get frustrated, and, I looked over at her, and she actually began to do the exact same tapping that I was doing. And so I think, you know, she's 9 now. I wouldn't say that she necessarily understands PTSD, but she does understand that when there is an emotion, that you process That you feel it so you can heal it. And I think that's been the most powerful thing between us. Cordan James [00:06:57]: It's improved our communication styles. It's improved my ability to say that I'm Sorry for overreacting or or projecting something that I may be feeling onto her. So it's made for a great communication the older that she gets. Christopher Lewis [00:07:10]: Talk to a lot of dads about having daughters, and one of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is that there are fears When it comes to not only fatherhood, but especially fears when it comes to raising a daughter. Now you said earlier that You knew how to raise a son, but that you needed to learn about how to raise a daughter. So as you think about Fear. Can you think about raising your daughter? What was the biggest fear or is the biggest fear that you have in raising your daughter? You know, Cordan James [00:07:39]: I think in all the conversations with other fathers, I think I would have to Echo the fear of failure. I remember some work that we did together a couple years ago, Chris. We asked, what would you not want your children to say about you or about your parenting? Right? And I think being able to be there so, you know, I would never want my children to say that I wasn't there, that I wasn't present, that I constantly use these opportunities to teach Instead of to get to know them, the fear of failure with her, I think, comes from I think everybody loves to tell me that As your daughter grows older, that she's gonna fall away from you, that there's going to be this huge disruption in life and she's not gonna like you. And I think as a young father, that was very daunting That this relationship could dwindle as she gets older. I think it really put it in the perspective of the work that I'm doing with her today, and I call it work because it's very intentional with her. From the way that I speak to her to the way that I stand around her when she was smaller. She's kinda tall now. She's 9 and she's 5 foot. Cordan James [00:08:36]: So she comes to the bottom of my chin. But as she was younger, you know, it it took me getting down to a knee. They say, you know, getting down to their level as you are the Parent, get down to their level, and they might hear you a little bit differently and better and and receive what you're saying more. Little things like that helped me soften my approach with her gave me I you know, it allowed room for more play, more discussion, for more ways to connect, whether it was painting nails together or Playing in the park or our favorite thing to do is literally walking on curbing, walking on the sidewalk and the very you know, the little curves. I don't know why, but we've just always had this little special moment. We can do that for hours and just laugh and, you know, just connect with each other. Christopher Lewis [00:09:16]: Now you have 3 kids. Each one of them is completely unique. They are different points in their lives, and you have to do what you can do to be able to develop those unique relationships With your kids, what do you do to be able to create that unique bond with your daughter? Cordan James [00:09:32]: I think that's a great question. If I had to look on a day to day, I say, Especially now, it's a habit of finding a way to connect with her no matter what. And whether it's when I pick her up from boys you know, if we start in the morning, I take her to boys and girls club. As soon as we wake up, it's very intentional with Hey, baby. How did you sleep? We get our cuddles in. We're very big cuddlers. So, you know, that's something that's part of our security is is Touching and hugging and kissing and yelling I love yous and the music choices, having little dance parties. Those are constants in our home. Cordan James [00:10:02]: That is just part of our Family culture now. So when I say connecting, especially as she gets older nowadays at 9, it's I hosted a sleepover last week. She had her best friend over and, you know, I had a girl's night with them, and then we had a great morning the next day. Their friend left, but Just providing creating new spaces for her to grow. It might be asking something very specific about her day. Definitely don't allow for just the, how was your day? Oh, it was good. Well, I wanna know a little bit more, so I'm gonna ask some questions that are open ended and and joke with her and and find some commonality. I think, at this point. Cordan James [00:10:38]: I appreciate the ways that we connect, and I appreciate the way that it comes back as well. She's definitely a little mama. She'll if dad's sick, she'll look after me. If sometimes she wants to Feed dad while we're eating dinner. She wants to feed me fries or something along those lines. So just those beautiful ways that I would never expect her to do those things for me, but she has it in her heart and in her soul. Other things we've done to connect is, like, community service. A few years ago, we faced a divorce Together and the separation of that in different homes and coparenting schedules, and I found that volunteering together was our biggest Connection. Cordan James [00:11:15]: I didn't have the money in the world to be able to take her to to do everything, but we would go to churches and volunteer our time, setting up pantries, Feeding the homeless, litter pickups. She got very involved in my own work as a mover or even as a mentor. She's been present for all my mentorships And business meetings and and thrills so forth. Christopher Lewis [00:11:38]: Sounds like special bonds and special times and definitely an opportunity to be able to make those connections and memories that will last for a lifetime, which is always exciting and important. You're really busy. You're a busy guy. You have got a lot of things going on. You You're running a business. You're now the executive director of Fathering Together. So there's a lot of things that you're gonna have to balance, a lot of hats that you have to wear. How do you balance work and raising your kids? Cordan James [00:12:04]: It's interesting because if we look at the history of Korten James and fathering together, So about 2019 is when I processed my divorce, and 2019 is when I also found Dads With Daughters. So it has very much led me to be this executive director. And I say that from the sense that since I joined fathering together, I've centered family first. My life today as a entrepreneur and now as the executive director of of Fathering Together, my family is still the center, more so today than it ever has been. I worked more corporate America, and it never fared well. I was always the father that would be present for my daughter didn't go to dentist without me. She didn't go to doctor's It's without me being able to pick up from school or if there's a sick day, I'm present for it. I would say so Over the few years, it's been a I've been able to center around my kids. Cordan James [00:12:56]: As a as a entrepreneur now owning my own business, I can take the day off. We can take a mental health day today. She's 9 now, so she can come to work with me. I have plenty of opportunities where she comes to work with me on a Saturday for a couple of hours and move some boxes my customers and tells my employees that she's the boss of them because her dad's the boss. So just, again, centering family first has has always been the priority, and finally being able to make that come true amongst the fears of not being able to. As a father, again, somebody who has to provide and protect, You can't just drop the job. You can't take large risks that may cost you your time with your children. So it's definitely paid off over these last few years. Cordan James [00:13:38]: Now it's I'm I'm home when I want to be with enough time for her and I. My evenings are set aside and I, and, it couldn't be a better feeling. Christopher Lewis [00:13:48]: You started getting into your journey with dads with daughters, dads with sons, fathering together. Talk to me let's go back to 2019. What was going on that led you to the communities? What how did you find out about the communities, and how did you get involved first as you were joining our communities? Cordan James [00:14:10]: Honestly, I think I might have connected with Brian somehow on Facebook. I don't know if we actually talked to each other or if I found Dads With Daughters first. I'm pretty sure he invited me into Dads With Daughters. And from there, we became friends and talked more, and I finally was able to meet you. And, You know, I think it was just when I look at Dads With Daughters, the Facebook group, I don't even know how many thousands of people were in that. So it was very it was very grassroots. There was new projects. I think we were starting off with Dove Men's Care. Cordan James [00:14:41]: I always recall the self esteem project that we did with them, which was kinda like my 1st intentional thing with my child. I think we talked a lot about fathers knowing their legacy as far as careers, But what is your legacy as a father? So I think it was all those conversations that brought me to a deeper understanding of who I really want to be as a dad. Not just My child's here, and...
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Rethinking Parenthood: Eight Setbacks That Can Shape Your Daughter's Success
12/18/2023
Rethinking Parenthood: Eight Setbacks That Can Shape Your Daughter's Success
In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis welcomes author and parenting expert Michelle Icard. The podcast aims to provide resources and support to help fathers be the best they can be in raising strong, independent daughters. Christopher introduces Michelle Icard, highlighting her extensive experience as a writer and her focus on parenting topics. Michelle is the author of several books, including "," "," and her newest book, "." She's also a parent herself, with two young adult children. Michelle shares her journey into writing and parenting support. She mentions that her initial foray into writing was sparked by a teacher who recognized her writing skills when she was a 9th grader. This experience helped her identify herself as a writer, even though it wasn't her primary focus at the time. She later developed a social leadership curriculum for middle schoolers, which became the basis for her first book. The conversation transitions into discussing Michelle's focus on middle school children and the challenges they face during that developmental stage. She explains that middle school is a critical time when kids are building their adult brains, bodies, and identities, which can lead to both internal and external struggles. She emphasizes the importance of understanding this transformative process. The podcast delves into Michelle's book "14 Talks by Age 14," where she provides practical guidance for parents on how to approach essential conversations with their children, from topics like sex and sexuality to friendship and risk-taking. The book includes conversation scripts, conversation starters, and tips for initiating discussions with children who might not always be receptive. The conversation evolves to discuss Michelle's latest book, "Eight Setbacks that can make a child a Success." Michelle explains that she identified eight archetypal setbacks that children commonly face during their development. These setbacks include the rebel, the daredevil, the misfit, the ego, the loner, the sensitive one, the black sheep, and the benchwarmer. She emphasizes that children may move through different archetypes at various stages of their lives. Michelle's three-step approach to handling setbacks—contain, resolve, and evolve—is discussed in detail. The podcast highlights that the book is not just for parents of middle schoolers; it's relevant for parents with children aged 8 to 18. Christopher emphasizes the longevity of the lessons Michelle provides, which continue to be applicable as children grow into young adults. Michelle expresses her desire for parents to feel relief after reading her book. She wants parents to understand that the challenges their children face are part of the normal developmental process. She emphasizes that mistakes and setbacks are opportunities for growth and learning. Christopher encourages listeners to connect with Michelle through her website, michelleicard.com, and her Instagram profile. He also mentions her Facebook group, "Less Stressed Middle School Parents," which is relevant for parents of middle school and high school children. The episode concludes with a message of encouragement for parents to embrace the challenges and setbacks their children face, recognizing that these experiences contribute to their growth into capable, confident adults. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week you and I are on a journey together and it's a great opportunity for us to be able to talk one on one about the journey that you're on and raising your daughters, it's not always going to be easy. It's not always going to be a simple journey. There's going to be bumps in the road, but that's why we're here. We're here to walk alongside you as you go through this and hopefully give you some tips, some hints, some resources, some things that you can draw on, some tools for that toolbox that you carry with you that will help you in that journey that you're on. Christopher Lewis [00:01:03]: Every week I bring you different guests, different people from different walks of life, dads, moms, other resources that will help you to be able to do just that. And that's what this show is all about. This show is all about helping you to walk this journey. And I am so happy that every week I get to have that opportunity with you. This week, we've got another great guest with us today. Michelle Eichert is with us today. And Michelle has written for the Today Show Parenting Team, NBC News, Learn, CNN Science and Wellness and The Washington Post. She's the author of a few different books, one called 14 Talks by Age 14 and Middle School Makeover. Christopher Lewis [00:01:46]: And we're also going to be talking about a brand new book that she has written called Eight Setbacks that can make a child a Success. And I'm really excited to be able to talk to her because she is a parent herself. She has two young adult children, and also all these topics are definitely relevant to the journey that thank you so much for having me. I'm really happy to chat our parenting experience. So Michelle, thanks so much for being here today. I'm really excited to be able to have you on and to talk about not only the new book, but some of these other books too, because I think all of these topics are ones that we probably could have multiple podcast episodes on because they're definitely issues and things that we deal with as parents. I guess first and foremost, I'd love to go back. I said that you have a brand new book that you have called Eight Setbacks that can make a child a success. Christopher Lewis [00:02:48]: But before we jump into that, you've had three different books that you have written and I would love to kind of go back in time because all of these are talking about kids, they're talking about parents, they're talking about working with kids. Talk to me a little bit about your background that led you to wanting to be a writer. Because I've written books, I know how much time and effort it takes, and it is definitely a passion project to get these things done. So talk to me about the journey and what made you decide you wanted to be an author. T Michelle Icard [00:03:55]: The first book came out in 2015. Prior to that book, I had been working in this field with young adolescents and their parents and their schools because I had developed a curriculum, which I called a social leadership curriculum, and it was for middle schoolers, and it started in 2004. So my kids were two and four at the time. My kids are now 21 and 23, so they have really grown up through all of this and have been wonderful guinea pigs for me personally and professionally to help me figure things out. But I started not thinking that I would write a book. I always knew that I loved writing. And I will say that there was a moment in my life when I was a 9th grader and I felt like most 9th graders probably do, which is I had a big question mark as to who I was. And I didn't really know who to be friends with or how I wanted to present myself or what I thought about things. I was really floundering. And we were given an assignment in 9th grade English to write a short biography, a two page story from our life, and I did it. And I was a nervous kid. I was a very anxious, nervous kid, as probably many writers were. Michelle Icard [00:04:33]: And so I handed in my paper, and it came back with all these red marks on it. And I panicked because this happened to be a teacher at our school who was known for being very loud and very aggressive, and he might throw a book across the room. The teachers could do that kind of thing. And so I saw the red marks, and I thought, oh, please let me just be swallowed up by the earth. I can't take it. And at the top of the paper, he had written a minus you are a writer, period. And everything changed for me in that moment. I thought, oh, my gosh, this is who I am. Michelle Icard [00:05:08]: Thank goodness someone told me who I am, because often we're afraid of giving kids labels, but I tell you, sometimes it's wonderful to be told. I think you're a blank. I think you're a diplomat, I think you're a writer, I think you're a musician, I think you're an artist, I think you're an attorney. I think whatever. That felt so good for me. But in any event, I tucked that away as just sort of a pleasure practice. I liked to write kind of for fun. I did this curriculum, so it was more businessy writing than anything, and then I was giving a lot of talks about the program and the effect it was having on kids. Michelle Icard [00:05:45]: And parents were saying, we love that you have this for our kids, but what do you have for us? We need something. So the first book was really born out of that request, and that was middle school. Makeover that's a primer for parents, just sort of how to get through middle school easier. And from there, things kind of started to snowball. Talk to me about middle school because I've talked to teachers before about being a middle school teacher. Middle school age is an interesting age. It's definitely a can be a challenging age for parents. It can be challenging age for teachers as well as kids. Christopher Lewis [00:06:18]: And as you said, you started to do your curriculum and your writing when your kids were very young, but you were focusing on the middle school age. What was it about the middle school age that really drew you in and kept you in that space as you wanted to not only help the kids, but help then parents of that age of child? Michelle Icard I have always loved coming of age as a concept. I love it in pop culture, I love it in movies, I love Ya books. I've always been fascinated by that. What happened that sort of spawned this curriculum. As I was out to lunch with some girlfriends and we were all talking about how hard middle school was for us, and each of us had a successful private business that we were running, and we were happy and we were in great relationships, but we said you couldn't pay us to go back to middle school. It was so hard. And I thought, that's unfortunate, and I want to learn more about why that is. Michelle Icard [00:07:17]: So I'm very curious, and I just did a deep dive into what makes coming of age and early adolescence so hard when it looks so fun on TV and in books, such a pleasure to consume at this age, but was so miserable to go through at that age. So I just am fascinated by what I call the middle school construction project. So it's a time when a kid is building the three things they need to become an adult an adult brain, an adult body, and an adult identity. And that is what drives most of my work. That's really interesting. I've had middle schoolers. Mine are now either in high school or college. Yours are past this age, too, but parents aren't always told that. Christopher Lewis [00:08:06]: And that is something that once you say it, I can't unhear it. But it is definitely something that I think that parents do need to hear. And I'm sure that in that first book that you wrote, you delved deeper into that to be able to help parents to kind of flip that switch for themselves, to reconceptualize those middle school years. Michelle Icard Yeah, there's something beautiful about the chaos, I think. So you have these early years of adolescence where your body is going through tremendous change, where your brain is restructuring and rewiring in preparation to become an adult brain, and where you are trying to figure out your own sense of self and your own sense of identity. And what that means is really figuring out who you are apart from your parents. So to a parent, that can look contrarian or rebellious or rude or disrespectful, but to a kid it's a really important and clunky clumsy practice of trying to say who am I by myself. Because really what kids need to do is become independent. Michelle Icard [00:09:15]: That's our hope for them. And yet we're also incredibly uncomfortable with the how of that process because it just doesn't feel good when a kid doesn't do it gracefully. And they mostly don't do it gracefully because they're very new to it. How could they do it gracefully for the first time? So they're going to be rude and they're going to be forgetful and they're going to be self centered. And that's all just critical to figuring out who they are separate from the people who raised them. They come back around, though. That's the nice part. They do come back around. Christopher Lewis [00:09:48]: Now, you started with that first book. You moved into the 14 Talks by age 14. And I guess let's talk a little bit about that book because you moved from helping parents to better understand those years to then something a bit, I'm going to say, very tangible in regard to specific things that you should be talking to your kids about. And I know that not everyone has read this book. Can you talk to me about what led you to this and how you identified those 14 Talks? Was it because of the conversations you had with your own kids or was it something different? Michelle Icard The 14 Talks came out of a desire to help parents with what I think is one of the hardest parts of parenting. They were saying to me over and over again, yeah, I get it. I get that I'm supposed to talk to my kid about X, Y or Z, but tell me the words. I don't know what to say. Michelle Icard [00:10:42]: And also my kid won't listen. So I don't know how to get my kid to pause and listen to what I'm saying about sex and sexuality or friends and when friendships don't go the way they're planned or risk taking or any of that stuff. So I wanted it to be super practical in the sense that there are scripts in the book and you can read them and at least be inspired by them and then make them your own. But it gets you over that sort of stage fright of how do I begin? It also contains things I call conversation Crashers and Conversation starters. So things that if you take this approach, your kid's going to roll their eyes and walk out of the room. So don't. And other ways that you can successfully begin a conversation with a kid when they're at an age when they're pulling apart and they don't really want to listen. So that's sort of the crux of the book. Michelle Icard [00:11:31]: And the way I came up with the 14 is I have a parenting group on Facebook and there are 12,000 members. They're from all over the country. It's a private group, but anyone can join. It's called less stressed middle school parents. If anyone listening, wants to pop over there, come hang out with us. I'm working really hard to make it a very supportive corner of Facebook. I asked them, what are the things that, you know, you need to talk about but are struggling with with your child? Created a massive list, rented an airbnb, put each thing on an index card, and covered the floor of the airbnb and walked around like I was solving a crime, actually, until I saw trends where things should be clunked together. And that's how I did it. Christopher Lewis [00:12:12]: So very practical. I love the fact that you used your group as your sounding board, and I can just see you in my mind's eye walking around that airbnb trying to find and being like, AHA, I found it. Exactly. I can link Deodorant with whatever over here, and we can make it work. I know we can get that into one conversation. Yeah. So you left that book and you now have a brand new book called Aid Setbacks that can make a child a success. And I think one of the things that I think is challenging also in these years is the fact that, like you said, little things can become very big things very quickly, and something that for us would be like, not a big deal is a huge deal for kids during these years. Christopher Lewis [00:13:10]: Whether it's friendships, whether it's a grade, whether it's somebody just says something the wrong way and it's internalized. They can really derail not only a day, but a month, a year. It can really lead kids down that rabbit hole very quickly. And as parents, I know I've had those situations where you're trying to reel them back out and when they've hunkered down and shut that door, sometimes it's very difficult. However, you do need to still be able to provide them with the skills to build that armor for themselves in many ways to help them to be resilient for the future. So talk to me about what led you into this now next book that has built on the work that you've done previously and how it's different from the first two books. Michelle Icard So this has really been an evolution with these three books, from very foundational, practical information you need to understand what your kid is going through to very practical, communication based writing on how to talk to your kid about these very tricky topics that they will encounter to a broader, almost more academic look. At? What does it mean to come of age back to that concept that I love so much? And how do you usher your child across the threshold from being a kid to becoming a responsible, happy, young adult? And I think many of us culturally, societally, are just getting it wrong. Michelle Icard [00:14:53]: And it's because we don't have a manual or directions that say, this is the way kids become adults. And we so often just think, I guess they pass their classes or they get a driver's license or a job, and that makes them an adult. And those are all good things that we want for our kids, but they are not the recipe. And so this book is really introducing what I believe to be based on a ton of research that other people have done and that I've sort of aggregated what I believe to be the recipe for how kids become. Successful, happy, competent, confident adults and what we need to do to make that possible for them and not to stymie them in their challenges. Christopher Lewis I know that one of the things that you introduce in the book is your three step approach for any kind of failure. Can you talk to me about that and how you came up with that, but also maybe how you use that with your own kids and how you've seen it kind of play out in real life. Michelle Icard [00:15:59]: So, yeah, I'd love to talk about that. The three steps are contain, resolve, and evolve. And I came to this process after interviewing families all across the country about experiences of failure that their kids had gone through. So they ranged from sort of subtle, like my kid had a loss of confidence and that was scary to watch for a while to dramatic or shocking or dangerous. My kid ended up in the hospital because they drank too much alcohol, or my kid got suspended from school because they broke rules or these kinds of things. So a wide variety. I looked at all of those and then I thought about, well, how do each of these families get through it? I asked them things that worked for me, for people I know, and did more research, which I love to do. So I came up with this process that I think fits all of them. And the first...
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Rotary International's Girls Empowerment Initiative: Promoting Change for a Brighter Future With Elizabeth Usovicz
12/11/2023
Rotary International's Girls Empowerment Initiative: Promoting Change for a Brighter Future With Elizabeth Usovicz
In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis introduces the show's mission, which is to provide resources and support for fathers to become the best dads they can be, especially in raising strong, independent daughters. He emphasizes the importance of the journey fathers embark on in raising their daughters and acknowledges the ups and downs they may encounter. Christopher encourages fathers not to go through this journey alone and highlights the abundant resources and people available to help them improve their parenting skills. Christopher then introduces the episode's guest, , who is the past Rotary International director, the chair of the Girls Empowerment Global Task Force for Rotary, and a Rotary International Women of Action honoree. The main focus of this episode is Rotary International's Girls Empowerment Initiative, which has been ongoing for three years. Christopher explains his involvement as a Rotarian and the reason for discussing Rotary's initiative in the context of empowering girls. Elizabeth provides an overview of Rotary International, its history, and its mission, which centers on humanitarian service both locally and globally. She emphasizes Rotary's role in creating positive change in communities and mentions that Rotary has over 1.4 million members worldwide. The discussion shifts to the Girls Empowerment Initiative. Elizabeth explains how Rotary's then-President, Sheikh Meta, initiated this focus three years ago. The goal was to enhance girls' well-being, education, safety, and economic opportunities worldwide. The initiative's broad scope allows local Rotary clubs to adapt projects to address specific challenges faced by girls in their communities. Elizabeth shares examples of successful projects, such as providing gender-specific latrines in schools to improve girls' access to education. Another project involves donating feminine hygiene products to local food banks to ensure girls have the necessary resources for their menstrual hygiene. These projects highlight how even small-scale efforts can have a significant impact. Christopher and Elizabeth discuss the initiative's goals for the current year and its vision for the next five years. They emphasize the importance of expanding partnerships, fostering collaboration, and integrating girls' empowerment into Rotary's core activities. Towards the end of the episode, Elizabeth provides recommendations for individuals who want to support girls' empowerment. She encourages people to connect with their local Rotary clubs, collaborate with schools, and become mentors or role models for girls. Elizabeth emphasizes the crucial role fathers play in shaping girls' perceptions of relationships and encourages them to be positive role models. Christopher expresses his gratitude to Elizabeth for her dedication to empowering girls worldwide and highlights the impact of her work. The episode concludes with Christopher reminding listeners to check out the Fatherhood Insider, an essential resource for dads seeking guidance on their parenting journey. He encourages fathers of daughters to join the Dads With Daughters Facebook community and looks forward to having more inspiring guests in the future. The episode ends with a call to action for fathers to be the best dads they can be. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight Dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Hey, everyone. This is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters, where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. We're on a journey to raise our daughters and be able to raise them into the strong, independent women that we want them to be. I love being on this journey with you because for you and I, it is a journey. Christopher Lewis [00:00:45]: There's going to be ups. There's going to be downs. There's going to be things that happen that we're like, what the heck? And then there's going to be times where things are going really smooth, and this is a big but you don't have to do this alone. And that's the thing that I keep telling you every week, is that you don't have to father alone. And that's important because there are so many resources, but there's so many people around you that can help you to be a better father. And that's why every week, I love being able to have you listen in. And I bring you different guests that have different perspectives, different things that they offer to be able to help you be the best dad that you can be. Sometimes it's other fathers that are fathering in different ways. Christopher Lewis [00:01:31]: Sometimes it's other resources that are out there that are there for you to tap into to help you this week. We got another great guest with us this week. Elizabeth Yusuf is with us. And Elizabeth is the past Rotary International director, as well as the chair of the Girls empowerment global task force for Rotary and a Rotary International women of action honoree. Today we're going to be talking about Rotary International. If those of you don't know what Rotary is, we're going to talk about that, too. I will be very upfront and say I am a Rotarian, proud to be a Rotarian. Been a Rotarian for quite a few years, and I am currently the president of our local Rotary Club. Christopher Lewis [00:02:16]: And I love talking about Rotary. Haven't really talked to you about Rotary before, but the reason that we're talking about this and that we've got Elizabeth Usovicz on today is for the past three years, there has been an initiative within rotary to focus on girls. Empowerment. And that ties in very well to the work that you and I are doing every day. To be able to empower our own daughters and the girls around our daughters, and beyond that, to help them to be successful in life. I'm really excited to have Elizabeth here and to talk about this great initiative. Elizabeth, thanks so much for being here. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:02:57]: Oh, it is my pleasure, Christopher, to be with you. Thank you for inviting me. Christopher Lewis [00:03:01]: It is my pleasure having you here. I guess, first and foremost, I said that I'm a Rotarian and I could talk about it, but I'm going to let you talk. Why don't we step back before we talk about this initiative? Talk to me about Rotary. What is Rotary? And then let's talk about why did Rotary start this initiative, this girls empowerment initiative, three years ago? Elizabeth Usovicz [00:03:23]: Well, I should start by thanking you for being president of your Rotary Club. That's a huge honor. And presidents are really the lifeblood of Rotary and Rotary clubs. But many people know about Rotary, perhaps from grandfathers or fathers who might have been members. And we've come a long way since that time. Rotary was founded in the early 20th century, and so we're over 100 years old, and Rotary is a member organization that is organized by clubs. And our primary mission is humanitarian service to other people in our communities and around the world. We are proactive people of action who create positive change in our communities and in the world. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:04:13]: And in the process of doing that, we are also creating positive change in ourselves. We're over 1.4 million people around the world who are proudly members of Rotary, and we welcome everyone to join us. So if you don't know about Rotary, you can go to the Rotary website, you can locate a club in your community, and they will welcome you to attend a meeting to get to know them and maybe become a member if it lines up with what's important to you. We'd love to have you. Christopher Lewis [00:04:48]: So, three years ago, the then Rotary International President and I should step back and say that every year there is a Rotary International President, that Rotary International President sets goals for themselves. And three years ago, one of the Rotary International President's goals was to focus on girls empowerment. Now, that's a broad topic. Can you talk to me about why that was an important topic for that International President and what girls empowerment truly means in the global context of Rotary? Elizabeth Usovicz [00:05:26]: Well, it's a big topic. It's a broad topic. And, yes, I'll start by saying that the President of Rotary is a member, a volunteer, an unpaid member of Rotary who is nominated to serve in that one year term. And it's very typical for a President to have specific initiatives for one year that are close to their hearts. Three years ago, actually, now almost well, it was in 2020 when we started. He was president elect. Sheikh Meta from India, met with some of his incoming board members and said, I really want to focus on girls empowerment in the coming year, and I'd like to put together a task force, and I'd like you to serve on it. And he did appoint me chair. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:06:22]: And at that time, Rotary had done any number of projects around the world. We do literally in the Tens of thousands of projects globally every year. And many of those projects had a component that served to provide resources to girls. But we didn't really focus on it. And he felt very strongly that focusing on girls'empowerment, particularly in terms of education, in terms of health, was a very important priority for him. And it did start, as you've mentioned Christopher, as a very broad agenda. His objective was simply to have Rotary clubs and Rotary members around the world to engage in projects that enhanced the health, education, safety, well being and economic opportunities for girls. So it was wide open. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:07:14]: And because Rotary operates differently in different parts of the world, some of the issues that girls face, let's say in India or in parts of Africa, are very different from what they experience in Australia or in northern Canada, or in the United States. And so it was very broad so that it could be adapted locally. It was very popular, extremely popular. Rotary members around the world embraced this initiative like nothing I have ever seen before, to the point where it was so popular that last year's president, our first woman president, Jennifer Jones, decided to continue it. I'm not 100% sure of this, but based on the research I've done, this has never happened before in Rotary history. That a presidential initiative from one year carried over into another. And now we are in an unprecedented third year of carryover because the engagement has been so high, it has been so rewarding for Rotary members and their partners, non Rotarians and other not for profit organizations, that it will continue into a fourth year next year. So this has grown in a way very organically because people have seen a need, they have met a need. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:08:40]: The need has been appreciated in those local communities. It has continued and will continue into a fourth year and beyond as it becomes part of the fabric of what Rotary does around the world. Christopher Lewis [00:08:53]: So you mentioned that many Rotary clubs have taken up the mantle of this goal and have implemented programs, implemented initiatives. Can you give me some examples of some successful initiatives that have been implemented by Rotary clubs that truly hit this initiative at the heart of the goal itself? Elizabeth Usovicz [00:09:20]: Yes, absolutely. And as I mentioned, the initiative and the projects that clubs choose to take on vary depending on the part of the world. But I'll give you a great example from India. It's also a type of project that 20 years ago I was part of initiating in Malawi, Africa. So the need is continuing. One of those is that in many parts of the world, simple things like sanitation, segregated bathrooms in schools for children are simply not available. And simply on the basis of not being able to have a safe and sanitary place as a restroom for girls can prevent many of them from going to school. And so many of the projects that we have seen over the past three years have been focused on water and sanitation in schools and creating those gender specific latrines or bathroom spaces so that girls have the privacy that they need and can inspect spend a day in school. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:10:32]: It's hard to believe that something as simple, a basic need, as simple as a bathroom can be pivotal to education. But in many parts of the world it is, and that has had a huge impact on keeping girls in school at a critical time. I'll give you another example of a very simple project, because sometimes what I have heard from clubs in North America sometimes is, well, we don't really have any issues that we can address in our communities. But if you drive by any high school in any community in the United States, about 25% of the girls in that school are missing two to three days of school every month because they do not have access to the products they need to manage their own feminine hygiene. And if you look at those communities, every one of those communities has a local food bank. And I've talked to many executive directors of food banks, community food banks, and the one thing that they have all told me is they never receive enough feminine hygiene products as part of the donations that Rotary clubs and other organizations may provide to them. And when they do get those products, they can't keep them on the shelves. There simply is not enough for demand. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:11:58]: So what I have seen in many clubs is very simply adding those feminine hygiene products to the donations that they would make on a regular basis anyway to a local food bank. So a project doesn't have to be enormous to have an enormous impact. And there are just so many challenges that relate or keep girls out of school that addressing those issues can make a huge difference, because really, education is the key. Education and also aspiration in what to study, is also key for girls to become empowered women and to really be well represented across trades, skills, and professions. Christopher Lewis [00:12:46]: So being the chair of this global task force, you have people from around the world that are all coming together. You're talking about a vision for this group as a whole as you look to the future through this year with this international president and beyond. What are your main goals as a task force for this year and what are your goals as you look at the next, let's say five years? Elizabeth Usovicz [00:13:15]: Wow, that's an excellent question. And for something that has grown as spontaneously and organically as this initiative has grown, that is a challenging question to answer. In terms of the task force. First we looked at the data from rotary partner organizations like the World Bank, UNICEF and the Gates Foundation, among others, and so that we were really well informed on what the issues were and then ensured that that awareness of those issues was part of the resources that clubs were able to access as they decided which projects might be appropriate for their part of the world. But having said that, one of the things that the task force did is we created a network of people, Rotary volunteers that we call ambassadors. And I would estimate that there are over 200 ambassadors or assistant ambassadors in parts of the world who are there to create momentum, create that awareness, and build interest in doing projects that are focused on girls empowerment and also providing them with the resources that they need. And so that building that network and keeping that network expanding has been a primary goal of the task force in terms of where do we go from here? Partnerships are very definitely the place that we go from here. We've seen trending over the past year a number of clubs and other larger Rotary organizations called a district, a collection of clubs, a geographic collection of clubs who are partnering now both with each other, with other clubs. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:15:08]: So multi club projects, we're also seeing those clubs partner with organizations that have specific expertise in dealing with those issues that girls face. Rotary has tremendous hands, hearts, and minds. We are the feet on the ground. And when we partner with those organizations with specific expertise, the impact is incredible. So we hope to continue that. As I said earlier, it's unprecedented to have what was structured as a one year presidential initiative now continue into a third year and into a fourth year. So the task force objective at this point is to examine and explore all the ways that we can integrate this girls empowerment beyond an initiative, but into the fabric of what Rotary does. Christopher Lewis [00:16:04]: We've been talking a lot about Rotary specifically, and not every listener is a rotarian. Are there things that people can do to support not only the initiative, but also to support girls empowerment in general that you would recommend? Elizabeth Usovicz [00:16:25]: Yes, there are. And certainly, as I had mentioned when we began our conversation, that looking up where local clubs meet in your geographic area and connecting with them, whether you join or not, is one way to connect with a club and to initiate a project or join a project in your community that is focused on this important area. Other things that can be done are definitely connecting with the schools in your local communities. The guidance counselors, the principals, the headmasters, those are the people who can best inform on what the needs are within that education sphere. I think that also there's a great deal that we can do in terms of some of the issues that girls face by focusing on prevention as opposed to rehabilitation. And I'm thinking about human trafficking in particular, where there is a great deal that we can do within our own communities to make citizens aware of what some of those signs are that a girl might be at risk of trafficking and also educating girls on what those signs might be. Because if we can prevent, then obviously then we don't have to do as much in terms of rehabilitation. And so I think those are very important ways. Elizabeth Usovicz [00:18:03]: I think it's also given your organization and given the audience for this podcast, that obviously being a great role model for girls and really being an ally to girls, whether they are girls within your own family, within your own neighborhood, elsewhere in your community, often that micro mentorship, that micro role model. Just that one phrase you might say to a girl who maybe has not had that kind of encouragement in their lives before can make a difference. And I know in Rotary we all have stories about how that has happened. I have numerous times over the course of my career and my service in Rotary heard later from a girl that just that one thing you said to me ten years ago that resonated with me and it gave me hope and it gave me a focus. And I think also anytime that we can introduce a girl to someone who could be a mentor, a role model, that kind of exposure that a girl may not get at home or may get at home, but could be...
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Developing Strong Girls: Nurturing Self-Confidence during the Middle School Years & Beyond With Rodney White
12/04/2023
Developing Strong Girls: Nurturing Self-Confidence during the Middle School Years & Beyond With Rodney White
In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis emphasizes the importance of fathers supporting and guiding their daughters to become strong, independent women. He shares his own journey as a father of two daughters and his motivation behind creating this podcast - to learn from others and help dads navigate the challenges of fatherhood together. Christopher introduces his guest, , a father of three from Kansas, including two daughters. Rodney discusses his initial apprehension when he found out he was going to be a father to a daughter, particularly due to his lack of experience raising girls. However, he highlights the value of adapting and learning from the journey. One of Rodney's biggest fears in raising a daughter is helping her navigate the challenges of the middle school years, where girls often face insecurity and peer pressure. He emphasizes the importance of building his daughter's self-confidence and self-worth through individual activities that challenge her and allow her to develop resilience. Christopher and Rodney discuss the balance between work and family life, with Rodney expressing his commitment to making time for his kids despite potential career sacrifices. He shares how he prioritizes spending quality time with his daughters, supporting their interests, and being present in their lives. They delve into the challenges of letting children fail and learn from their mistakes, which can be difficult for parents who want to protect them. Rodney acknowledges that allowing his daughter to experience consequences is essential for her growth and development. The conversation also explores what it means to be a "girl dad." Rodney reflects on how being a father to a daughter involves setting an example, providing support, and helping her navigate a world that can sometimes be challenging for girls. Rodney emphasizes the parallels between parenting and sports, particularly the importance of instilling a strong work ethic and teaching children to handle success and failure gracefully. He believes that these lessons from sports can translate into valuable life skills. The episode concludes with a discussion of the joy that comes from hearing positive feedback about your children's behavior and character from others, reinforcing the importance of raising good people in a sometimes challenging world. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week, and as always, I love being on this journey with you. You know, I'm a father of two daughters and this podcast was created somewhat cathartically to be able to learn from all of you, but also to help you in this journey that you're on, because all of us are on an individual journey, but we don't have to be on this journey alone. We have so many other dads around us that have gone through this, that are going through this, and we can support each other and learn from each other. And that's what this podcast is all about. It's all about the fact that you don't have to do it alone. Christopher Lewis [00:01:03]: You don't have to go it alone. You can talk to people around you, but you can also listen to people and listen to their experiences, take things that work and incorporate them into your own lives. Every week I have a great opportunity to be able to sit down and talk to different guests, different dads that come from many different walks of life but are doing fatherhood in a little bit different way. And they are able to share with all of us the journey that they've been on, the things that have worked, maybe things that haven't worked, and help all of us to be able to do what we can do, to be able to be the best dads that we want to be and that we can be. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Rodney White is with us today and Rodney is from Kansas. He has three kids. He has two daughters and a son. And I'm really excited to be able to talk with him today, to have him here and to learn from his experiences. Rodney, thanks so much for being here today. Rodney White Yeah, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. It's my pleasure having you here today. Christopher Lewis I love being able to talk to different dads, and one of the first things I love doing when I have these conversations is to turn the clock back in time. And I'm going to turn it back a few years back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Rodney White [00:02:29]: Well, to be quite honest with you, I'll never forget the day. And the reason why is because I was a father of a son first. And I say that because my son, which I love him to death, 15 years old at the time, was, I believe, three, maybe four at the time, and was a lot. Let's just say when my youngest daughter was born, she wasn't something that we had planned and so we were a little freaked out. The reason I say that is because my oldest daughter so I have three kids. My oldest daughter's 22. I adopted her when she was at the age of seven. So I never really had that first through seven years. And my son was a lot like I said, and he was a boy and he is a boy and he's just 100% boy and go, go. Rodney White [00:03:03]: And be honest with you, my wife and I were like, I don't know if we can do this. I don't know if we can survive a second one. Obviously being as young as we were and knowing what I know now, we were going to be okay. And we figured out but knowing that we were having a daughter, I didn't know what to think. And the reason I didn't know what to think is because the youngest of four boys, so I grew up with no sisters a mother, but my mother was more the father figure. She was the disciplinarian and all of that. So I was honestly I was freaked out because I didn't know what to do. And what I mean by that is hair right now she's twelve years old. Rodney White [00:03:35]: So I'm going through some changes there. All of those things were running through my head like I have no idea how to raise girl. And so yeah, freaked me out for a little bit and quickly just settled in and realized that it's a new opportunity and we were going to learn. So yeah, I mean, obviously excited but scared to death because I was the youngest of four boys and I had no idea what I was doing. Christopher Lewis Really understand that. I have heard that so many times from so many dads that you walk in and there's definitely some fear there. And I hear it a lot with the dads that I talk to that have daughters that there is some fear. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Rodney White My biggest fear, to be quite honest with you, is now I really didn't have any fear with my youngest because it was so easy to be honest with you. And I say that not the girls are easy to raise, but I always say if we would have had her first, would have had 15 more. My biggest fear is probably right now she's going into the middle school world. And I have one that went to the high school world that didn't have the greatest experience in the world. And to be honest with you, just that world of insecurity that girls come into, not that guys don't and boys don't have it. That middle school world is just so brutal and I think it's so life changing. My biggest fear is navigating her through that to make sure she comes out with self confidence and makes the right decisions and all of those, but from zero to twelve, there was no fear. I mean, she's been awesome, but this has always been my fears getting to this age. And we're here right now. Christopher Lewis [00:05:01]: Talk to me about that, because like you said, you want to build her self confidence, you want to safeguard her as she's going through that middle school process. What have you or are you doing to be able to not only prepare yourself, but helping your daughter to prepare for the reality that is middle school? Rodney White Yeah, so really the only thing that I can say, I mean, I had a really good friend of mine that was an MMA and boxing coach, and sports has always been a passion of mine. That's where my foundation raises. And I had my son in boxing and just training, nothing crazy, wasn't actually participating in fights, but what I noticed and what my friend told me was individual sports. And I say sports because that's where the world I live into. It could be anything individual. If it's learning an instrument, if it's doing something that's really hard by yourself that you have to get better at by doing it consistently raises self confidence. So I think that's what I've done is try from five years old on up, is try to build her self confidence, self worth, in something that going through hard things. We talk about that all the time. We can do hard things. And understanding that she is much more than what the world's getting ready to tell her that she is. So we just try to do single activities. If it was gymnastics, if it's singing, she's done musical things like that. Just try to do things to really build her up and let her know that she can do anything. And that sounds so cliche. You can do anything you want. Rodney White [00:06:21]: You really can. But I wanted her to be able to do that outside of a screen, outside of a phone, outside of an iPad, and something that she had to fail at. Because I don't think as parents, we let our kids fail enough and then let her build her up and give her support and let her see that, man, that was hard. But look how much better I am now, because I think that's the confidence builder. Going into middle school, when you feel like you know yourself and you know that you're struggling in math and somebody says something or whatever the case may be, you already know that work side. So we just try to create work ethic, I think, and just some of that inner strength, it definitely does. And I think that you definitely have to do that and you have to adjust along the way as you see how your child is thriving or is struggling, and you adjust as they go through the experience. And you have to just have open dialogues about what's going on. Rodney White [00:07:13]: Sometimes that's easier said than done, especially as they get into those teenage years and would rather be in their rooms than sometimes talking to mom and dad. But that being said, if you have created the environment for a child to know that you're there, to know that you're willing to help and be there, you know that they're going to come to you if and when they need that as well. And that's one of the cool things I like. Again, I'll go to the sports side because that's the world we live in. But we did it last night. We went to pitching lessons and it wasn't about the pitching lesson. I actually told this to my wife. It's not about the pitching lesson. It's not about going and getting better at the sport, which we tried to do, and we put it with the right people. But I had a 35 minutes car ride with my twelve year old on the way there and I had a 35 minutes car ride after endorphins were already flowing, so she was more talkative on the way home. We got an hour and ten minutes to sing Taylor Swift or Me Poke fun at Taylor Swift or have fun or hear about her school day and all of those things. And she couldn't open up a package of fruit snacks at lunch and she told me all about that. So that to mean that was worth every bit of it. So just trying to do that, I get that time, and I think that's so important. I know that you are a busy guy. You work full time and you're raising two kids still in the house. Christopher Lewis [00:08:31]: Talk to me about balance and how you balance what you're doing on a daily basis and how you're balancing that with being engaged with your kids. Rodney White Yeah, it's really hard. I don't know that I do a really good job at it, to be honest with you. One of the struggles that I have is not going all in. And I say that because when we go, I always tell them, I don't care what you do, we're going to go do it. Well, I told you my son Box, my oldest daughter, she played basketball for a little bit and then my youngest daughter played softball and then she did musicals. So whatever we're going to do, we're going to do it at 100%. I'm going to go find you the best people and we're going to put you around it. We're going to go try to be really good at it. The hardest part for me is making sure that I've still got time at home. For my wife, I struggle really bad with that because she doesn't have the same mindset as me. She is at home, and when I say same mindset, she's not as obsessed with the sports world as I am and that's okay. And she does a good job of supporting me. But I say that because being able to manage it, I have taken less jobs or less money to make sure that I'm around my kids that I can get off at 430. I could probably double my salary right now tomorrow if I wanted to go and work all the time. And I refuse to do it. Rodney White [00:09:41]: So I just make it a priority. I think that's probably the biggest thing I can tell you is I make sure that they get my full attention. If it's something at 06:00, I'm going to make sure that I'm done at 05:00 so I can get home and get them taken care of and things like that. So I guess the answer to the question is I make it a priority to make sure that they're getting the time that I think that they should get. But it's hard, man. Sometimes I go into work early, not often, but to be able to get out of work early. Or it's one of those deals that you just have to let you use the word adjust. You have to be able to adjust and sacrifice. Rodney White [00:10:15]: And one of the things I've never allowed myself to do was sacrifice my kids time. I only get it one time. So I'm going to make their games, I'm going to make their practices. I'm going to make whatever it is and whatever it takes. And that's important because putting yourself out there, being present, being willing to be interested not only in the things that you are interested in, but the things that they are interested in, is so critical because you're going to be able to create even stronger bonds with your children when you do that. The other part of that is making I try to really make sure that while we do all of that stuff, that I want them to be a kid too, right? So we make sure that they go to birthday parties. We make sure that they are outside and they're spending time with their friends and things like that. Because I think some people can get caught up and I do too sometimes. And you get caught up in just trying to do all the right things. But sometimes they got to be a kid too, so they got to be able to do a little bit of both. Christopher Lewis So important as well. And I was just going to say, let's be honest, not everything that our kids love doing are things that we're going to like doing. But that doesn't mean that you don't still take the time to learn more about it and to understand why they like it. Because that's going to show them that you're invested, you're interested, and that you're willing to do it. They'll know if you like it or not. They're going to know whether or not you are passionate about playing Barbies or not, but just being there and knowing that Dad's willing to do that is just part of the things that are going to make or break that relationship. Rodney White [00:11:59]: I said it earlier and she's actually going tonight for a tryout for the musical at our local high. And she's been in three. It is not my world, it's mom's world. I don't mind it though. I actually learned to enjoy it and I think that's really what it is and I believe this with my whole heart. While sports is something that I love, and I'm super glad that my daughter got into softball and I can teach it. It's a world that I played baseball growing up and yeah, it fits. My oldest daughter didn't, she played basketball, she didn't love it. I recognized it, gave her the opportunity and was like, hey, you don't have to do this her sophomore year in high school. But my daughter's going to the musical and we're going to make sure that same thing, right? Just because it's not softball, it doesn't change that, hey, I'm going to make sure that I'm off early. I'm going to make sure that she's got a presentation on Friday at 05:00. That's what we're going to be there and we're going to be there in the front row and all those things. So yeah, it's crucially important. We talk a lot about, especially with sports. And I tell all my girls I coach as well, so I help coach my daughter's team. So I'm around a lot of 1112 13 year old girls and we talk to them a ton about this is what you do, this is not who you are. Rodney White [00:12:58]: And we really make that because I think a lot of times they can forget that the success or the lack of success is where my love lies. And that's not it at all. And I try to focus on that. She's twelve, so she has a phone and you talk about again, we go back to the word adjust. We text a lot because that's her communication, right? That's the way she likes to communicate. And we talk, we have great conversations. But I really make sure that I text her probably once a week. Something in the realm of sports is not who you are, it's what you do. It's a thing that you do. I'm proud of you for X, I'm proud of you for whatever. So she can read that now. She may not respond because she's twelve years old or I may get a K or that was weird, dad or whatever, but making sure that they understand that just because of what we do, no matter what it is, that doesn't define who we are as a person. And I think that's important too. Very true and very important as well. Christopher Lewis I think that one of the things that I would put out there is just the fact that there are going to be high times there's going to be low times in parenting, in parenting, any type of child, whether it's a daughter, a son, multiple kids, it's not going to be all roses. As you look at the time that you've had with your daughters, what would you say has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Rodney White [00:14:14]: Patience. Letting them fail. I had this conversation, actually, today knowing, I think as us, as parents, at least, I feel like I can see the future. Right? And we all can see the future. We understand if you're walking down this road with the people that you're hanging out with or the certain things that you're doing, we know the consequences. They don't. Right? I have to remember that this is their first time being twelve, and it's not my first time being twelve. So I can see the future, and I'm an adult, so obviously, within reason, letting them fail. And sometimes my words don't mean anything until they actually see the consequence of whatever that consequence is. Rodney White [00:14:47]: And I think that's probably the hardest thing. And to be honest, I think that's one of the things that our world doesn't do a...
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Present and Engaged: Oggy Brewer's Approach to Building Unique Relationships with His Daughters
11/27/2023
Present and Engaged: Oggy Brewer's Approach to Building Unique Relationships with His Daughters
In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis welcomes Oggy Brewer, a biology teacher and father of four, to discuss the challenges and joys of being a father to daughters. Augie shares his personal journey and insights into building strong relationships with his daughters and fostering their self-esteem. Oggy's initial surprise came when he thought he was having another son, only to discover he was going to be a father to a daughter. He reflects on the initial panic and uncertainty but emphasizes the importance of adapting and learning as a parent. One of Oggy's biggest fears as a father of daughters is ensuring their self-esteem remains high. He discusses the delicate balance of being firm, supportive, and uplifting in their lives. To build unique relationships with each daughter, Oggy emphasizes the significance of being present in their lives, connecting with their interests, and spending quality time with them. Whether it's playing basketball, taking drives, or simply being present, he believes that connecting with his daughters is an ongoing challenge but a crucial one. Oggy shares memorable experiences with his daughters, including family trips to places like Glacier National Park and Dale Hollow Lake. These trips provide opportunities for bonding and creating lasting memories. Balancing his role as a biology teacher and a father of four, Oggy discusses the importance of setting boundaries and making a commitment to be present with his family when he's home. He believes that being a positive example and showing hard work can also influence his children positively. As daughters transition into their teenage years, Oggy acknowledges the changes and challenges in maintaining strong connections. He stresses the importance of continuous effort and being adaptable as a father. Oggy delves into the concept of being a "girl dad" and highlights the significance of building positive relationships with daughters, fostering their self-esteem, and using powerful, uplifting words. Augie introduces "," a concept he developed during the COVID-19 pandemic. MoPo stands for "Max Out Payout," emphasizing the importance of identifying daily purposes and maximizing efforts to achieve them. Oggy has written a book titled "MoPo Max Out Payout: Living the MoPo Life, MoPo the Day," which encourages readers to reflect on their daily lives, set goals, and stay positive. He also discusses how he challenges his own children to live the MoPo Life by helping them set goals and take actionable steps to achieve them, particularly in their academic pursuits. Oggy extends the MoPo philosophy to his classroom, encouraging his students to identify their goals for the semester and holding them accountable. He believes that caring for students and helping them achieve their goals creates a positive impact. Oggy shares his experiences of seeing kids embrace the MoPo message by wearing MoPo wristbands and actively engaging with the philosophy. He plans to expand his efforts by reaching out to sports teams and acting as a motivational speaker to spread the message further. In conclusion, Oggy Brewer emphasizes the importance of connecting with others, like Christopher Lewis, to expand the reach of the MoPo philosophy and positively impact more lives. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. I say this all the time, but it truly is a journey. What you and I are doing to raise our daughters is something that happens day by day, and it's not something that we can always plan for. There's going to be highs, there's going to be lows, there's going to be everything in between. Christopher Lewis [00:00:47]: But that being said, there are things that we can do to make it a little bit better. And one of the best ways, one of the greatest things that I would say for all of us to do is to surround us with other men that are doing this. Now, you may not feel comfortable going to that next door neighbor and talking to them about the way that they're being a father, but I'm glad that you're here, because by you being here, you have an opportunity to learn every week, and you have an opportunity to be able to take things that you're learning and incorporate them into your own lives. That's why every week I love having different guests, different guests here with me to share their own experiences in their own journey that they're on in raising their kids. And this week, we got another great guest. Augie Brewer is with us today. Augie is a teacher, a biology teacher, actually, but also does something that we're going to be learning a little bit more about called MoPo for Life, and we're going to talk about that as well. But he's a father of four with two daughters and two sons, so I'm excited to be able to talk to him today for you to get to know him and for us to kind of delve a little bit deeper into his own journey. Oggy, thanks so much for joining us today. Oggy Brewer [00:01:58]: Well, thank you for having me. I really appreciate come on. And what you're doing and being able to connect with different guys and dads and how we're raising our daughters. I appreciate being on. So thank you. It's my pleasure. My pleasure. Christopher Lewis [00:02:14]: And one of the things that I love to do, first and foremost, I want to turn the clock back in time. Your oldest daughter is 15. I want to go all the way back, all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you're going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Well, it's funny you asked this question, because my oldest is a boy. I have a son that's 18. And when my wife was pregnant with Olivia, in my eyes, in my head, I really thought we were having another boy, and really all the way up till delivery. And the doctor, when she was delivered, it was by c section. And when she was delivered, the doctor says, looks like a boy, and I'm behind the curtain. Oggy Brewer [00:02:51]: And so in my head, this is boy number two. And then those words come out. It's a girl. And I'm telling you, I wasn't sure what to do. I was in a little panic mode of like, oh, my goodness, my world has just changed. And so just trying to understand, okay, I'm going to be a father to a daughter now. And all the emotions and all the things that get stirred up when you have that thought, and obviously not having a playbook for, okay, what am I doing now? So that's the story of when Olivia was born. I love you know, I talked to a lot of dads, and a lot of dads tell me that going into being a father to a daughter, there's some fear there's some fear that goes with that. Christopher Lewis [00:03:37]: What would you say has been your biggest fear or fears in raising daughters? Oggy Brewer Yeah, I think one fear is just wanting to build up their self esteem and not wanting to be a person that brings that down ever. And so having a fear that maybe something I say or the way I react could bring their self esteem down, and I do not want to do that. So it's that balance of being able to be stern, being able to be encouraging and uplifting them, and also continuing to build that relationship with them, to build up their self esteem. I said you had two daughters, and both of those daughters are very unique individuals, and they have their own personalities, and you have to build different relationships with each of them, that you have to do that with all your kids. Yeah. What have you done to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your daughters? Sure. I believe the first thing is being present, making sure each day they know that I'm present there. And I know we're talking about teenage daughters, and being in a state of a lot of times, they don't make you feel like they want your presence with them all the time, but just because they give that indication doesn't mean that's a free pass to not be present. Christopher Lewis [00:04:57]: And so being present every day with them, I'm a man of faith, and I pray with them daily. I think that's important, that they know that someone's praying for them and praying over them and then just connecting with them with the things they enjoy doing. One of my oldest daughters, she enjoys playing basketball, so if I can get out in the driveway and rebound for her, I'm connecting with her that way. My other daughter really enjoys taking drives in the car, and so maybe even though as high as gas prices are. Maybe just getting in the car and taking a drive and spending time with her is a big deal. And connecting with her clearly understand that. My youngest daughter likes driving in the car as well, and she definitely loves being able to get out, listen to music, and just kind of get into some of the back roads. And sometimes we talk, sometimes we just kind of are present. Christopher Lewis [00:05:51]: And that happens in teenage years, but at least you're there. And as you said, you're present, you're engaged, and you're showing that you're interested in what they're interested in as well. Now, there are definitely opportunities throughout your kids lives that you have to be able to build memorable experiences, memories that will last a lifetime. What have been some of your most memorable experiences that you've been able to share with your daughters thus far as a dad? Oggy Brewer Yeah, I think we try to be strong family, doing things together as a family. And I feel like some of the trips that we have been on as a family have been good time to connect with them. We've taken a trip out west where we went to Glacier National Park and we do some hiking together. Those have been really memorable trips. We also enjoy going to the lake. Oggy Brewer [00:06:40]: One of those places is Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee, and those are two places, definitely the lake, being in the sun, riding on the boat, they really enjoy those things. And anytime we get a chance to do that, it's a blessing to be able to do it. Now, I know you're a teacher, and as a teacher, you have many kids that you are working with, that you're mentoring, that you have. And sometimes they become even more than just students because they become a part of your lives in many different ways. And then you go home and you are a father of four. Talk to me about balance, because being a teacher, there's not a lot of balance, and there is a lot of work that has to be taken home and there's that work that has to get done for the next day of school and so on and so forth. But how do you balance being not only a biology teacher, but how do you balance that with being a father to four and being able to continue to be present in the lives of your kids? So I've been teaching now for 21 years. It's my 21st year, and probably I think it was four years into it was when my son three years into it was when my son was born. Oggy Brewer [00:07:56]: And it didn't take long to figure out, like, hey, there's going to have to be some things that change here for you. Like, you can't just bring your work home, put it on the table, and sit and do your work all the time. So I made a commitment probably five years into it, four or five years into it, to my wife, hey, when I come home, I'm going to set my bag down and I'm dad, and I'm going to be present. If there is work that needs to be done, it'll be done once the kids go to bed. And now, as the kids have gotten older, they are in their rooms more on their own, by themselves. The time that we have together is really at the dinner table. And then if there's homework that they need help on, sometimes they will come to dad. But even in that, they're not always coming straight to dad, right? They want to be by themselves and to themselves. Oggy Brewer [00:08:49]: Now, I have some moments I can get into my work at times when they are home, and I do think in that they do see, man, dad does work, and dad is doing some things. So now I'm giving an example to them of putting in some hard work, even though, look, when it comes down to it, they've got my first, they're going to look to me first, and I'm going to give them my presence before I get the work in. Christopher Lewis As you said, you have two teenage daughters, and teenage years can be a challenge upon themselves. But as you look back at the lives that they have had, the experiences that you've had, what's been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Oggy Brewer I think just the changes that occur, right? Because when they're little, you pull up to the driveway and they're waiting at the door, waiting to give you hugs, waiting to see you, and then there's an excitement, there a joy there. And then how do you maintain that joy as they keep getting older? If you can bottle that up and keep that going, you're doing something right. But again, the challenge then for me as a dad is as I've gotten older, and now there's not that they're not waiting at the door when I get home, but still connecting with them when I do get home. And maybe it's just a quick like, how's your day? Or did anything bring you joy in your day? We try to use that word joy because I love it. And connecting with them still as they've gotten older, and I feel like that's just a continuous challenge every day. Oggy Brewer [00:10:22]: How can I connect with them? And I'm not the best at it. I'm still learning. I'm still growing myself as a dad, but that is a challenge for me every day. I think that that just continues as your kids get older and they move into different phases in their lives. You're going to have to figure it out as you go along. They figure it out as they go along. And you have to be willing to have that grace and to be able to know that you're not going to know everything and you're not going to know how things are going to end up, but that you keep working through it, and that's the only thing you can do, because things are going to change. And I'll agree with you that it is challenging as the kids get older and become more of who they are. Oggy Brewer [00:11:14]: But then, yeah, I guess I have to also think back to, okay, what was I like as a teenager as well? And was I present? Did I want to spend time with my parents, too? I think I ended up turning out okay as I got older. So I'm hopeful that as they get older, they'll come back. Well, one thing you say with daughters, or what I've always been told is your daughters are always going to be there to take care of you. They're always going to come back, and they'll take care of dad when that time comes. So we'll see. But I have hope in that. Here's hoping. Christopher Lewis [00:11:56]: Now, you and I met over a tweet that you put out there, and one of the things that you put in that tweet was the hashtag girl dad. And that's been around for a bit, was tied back to Kobe Bryant and his daughter and has continued since then to talk about the relationship between a father and daughter and pride with their daughters. As you think of that hashtag, that girl dad. Hashtag, what does being a girl dad mean to you? Oggy Brewer I believe it means building a positive relationship with my daughters, trying to help them develop a positive self esteem, and, as we said, just doing something that's connecting with them over and over. You've said self esteem a couple of times, and as a teacher, you see self esteem happening in many different ways, and then you see that in your own daughters. Talk to me about how you see self esteem in girls, your own daughters, girls that you have had in your own classroom manifest itself and what you've learned about what many young women need to be able to have that support and what we can do as fathers to best support that. Well, I believe words are very powerful, and the words that they're hearing has a powerful influence on them. And as many times as you can tell them they're beautiful, they're amazing, meaning it when I say it, not just using those words just to say them, but again, the words they're hearing. And so oftentimes and I see it at school, kids are getting tore down by other kids because of the words that are being used to them or around them. And so, man, what a light you can shine if you're using positive, encouraging words to my daughters or to the kids at school. They're hearing that, and I believe it does. It lifts them up, and it provides a light in their life. Christopher Lewis: I mentioned at the beginning that you have something that you're involved in called MoPo Life or . Talk to me about that. What is MoPo for life? And what are you trying to do to be able to engage fathers, parents, et cetera in this idea? Oggy Brewer Yeah, so during the COVID times when we were all locked in our homes, I decided one of the things I wanted to do was write a book. And I've always had that kind of on my bucket list. And this idea I have MoPo for life. MoPo the day. MoPo stands for Max Out payout. And so this is something you can use in whatever avenue you want. If you want it as a father, you want it as a teacher, as a coach, it applies. And the thought process is what's my purpose every day? What's the purpose that would be my payout and how am I maxing out to get that purpose? What are the things I'm doing to do that? So as a father, if my payout is to try to build a positive relationship with my daughters, then my Max Out has to be to be present, to spend time with them and to do things with them. The message MoPo is supposed to be positive. Again, I coined the phrase MoPo the Day and I use it a lot at school as well. And the other thing I've done with it is I've created a 365 day MoPo the Day calendar and it has a MoPo thought with a Bible verse every day and it's supposed to be uplifting. Oggy Brewer [00:15:29]: And I try to put a MoPo thought every day out on X to be uplifting to the people that are looking at that. And you did write the book called MoPo Max Out payout living the MoPo Life, MoPo the Day. I love that. Talk to me about for someone that's never read the book, what are some of the biggest takeaways that you want someone to take away from that book itself? One big thing is just looking at your daily life and trying to understand what's my purpose and what am I doing on a daily basis in that purpose? And then again, how am I maxing out to get it? So it's that message, it's also a devotional, it has questions throughout. So it tries to get the reader to think about their life and think about things that are going on. Also has a lot of Bible verses. So to connect with God and your faith and in all this, for me to be a reflection of Jesus as I share this, so it's to spread positivity, but it's know, just like you and I are doing tonight, to connect with as many people as you can. And man, you wouldn't believe how many times I'm somewhere and I just bring up this MoPo thought and all of a sudden I could connect with someone just by sharing this message. Christopher Lewis [00:16:49]: Talk to me about this concept...
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BIG Announcement from Fathering Together
11/22/2023
BIG Announcement from Fathering Together
ANNOUNCING FATHERING TOGETHER'S INTEGRATION WITH CITY DADS GROUP Since it’s formation, Fathering Together has sought to collaborate, not compete with other organizations focused on healthy families and connected dads. So we were thrilled when City Dads Group reached out asking to integrate their organization with ours. Starting in October, our organizations began onboarding their group leaders and figuring out a path forward where Fathering Together expands its virtual communities with the in-person meetups of City Dads Group. By joining forces, Fathering Together will offer support to over 150,000 dads world wide. That’s 150,000 dads across more than 100 countries with in-person groups in the United States, Canada, Kenya, and Malawi. There are 41 official City Dads Groups across the United States and Canada with more on the way! Here is the . To find a City Dads Group near you, ! If you don't see a group in your area, to decide if it is right for you! And if you still have questions, please reach out
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Embracing Fatherhood: Insights from Jacob Taylor, the Fairway Father
11/20/2023
Embracing Fatherhood: Insights from Jacob Taylor, the Fairway Father
In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis welcomes Jacob Taylor, also known as the , to discuss the journey of fatherhood and how to raise strong and independent daughters. Christopher starts by emphasizing the importance of learning from fellow fathers and their diverse parenting approaches, highlighting that there's no single right way to be a dad. He introduces Jacob as the guest, a father of two girls, and expresses his excitement about their conversation. Jacob shares his memorable moment of finding out he was going to be a father to a daughter during a C-section when he announced, "It's a girl." He describes the immediate and intense love he felt, a unique kind of love that he believes can't be experienced elsewhere. Christopher reflects on his own experience of becoming a girl dad and the journey of raising his daughter, who is now a college freshman, and how time flies. Jacob talks about cherishing everyday moments with his daughters, from engaging in their hobbies to answering their innocent and thought-provoking questions. He shares a touching memory of watching a sunset with his daughter and discussing the concept of God, which left a profound impact on him. The conversation shifts to the fears associated with raising daughters. Jacob discusses his initial fear of not understanding how girls think or act due to growing up with all boys. He worried if his daughters would connect with him or prefer their mother. However, he soon realized the misconception, as his daughters developed unique personalities and strong bonds with him. Jacob offers insights into building individual relationships with each daughter by adapting to their interests and personalities. He highlights the importance of spending one-on-one time with each child and adjusting the way he interacts with them based on their preferences. Balancing various roles as a father is a challenge many dads face. Jacob emphasizes the need to make thoughtful decisions about hobbies and activities that align with healthy family values. He shares how he reconstructed his hobbies to include his children and create opportunities for shared experiences. The term "girl dad" has gained popularity, partly thanks to Kobe Bryant, who celebrated his role as a father to daughters. Jacob discusses what it means to be a girl dad, emphasizing the responsibility of setting an example for how daughters should be treated by men. He advocates instilling self-worth, self-image, and the idea that being a girl brings unique opportunities and strengths. Jacob's project, Fairway Father, is introduced as a platform to encourage fathers to involve their children in hobbies, particularly golf. He believes that golf teaches valuable life lessons such as resilience, dealing with imperfection, and maintaining integrity. Jacob elaborates on the parallels between golf and life, citing examples of how both involve facing challenges, making mistakes, and learning to adapt. He emphasizes the importance of patience and integrity, values that golf instills and that can be applied to life. Christopher shares his daughter's experience of joining the girls' golf team in high school and how the mental aspects of golf and teamwork can provide valuable life lessons. The discussion highlights the broader importance of getting kids involved in activities they enjoy. The episode concludes with a reminder of the significance of actively engaging with children, fostering their interests, and being open to learning from them as they grow. Christopher and Jacob affirm that it's not just about sharing your own passions but also discovering and nurturing what makes your children unique. The Fairway Father project aims to encourage fathers to bond with their children through golf and other shared activities, promoting not only quality time together but also valuable life lessons. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources. And more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, I love being able to be on this journey with you. Every week we have an opportunity to talk with one another, to walk with one another in this journey that we're on, to raise amazing girls into society today, helping them to be strong and independent, and helping them to find the success that we want for them in life. Now, I say that knowing that there's not one right way to do it. There are so many ways in which we can father. There's not one manual, but we can learn so much from the men that are around us, that are fathering in their own ways, who are learning from other fathers around them and learning from themselves as well. And we can learn from them. Christopher Lewis [00:01:14]: So every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different people that are fathering in different ways that you can learn from, that you can take and be able to see what works, what doesn't work, and incorporate some of those things into your own lives. Today we've got another great guest with us. Jacob Taylor is with us, and Jacob is known as the Fairway Father. We're going to talk about what that is here today, but he's a father of two girls, and we're going to be talking about that as well, of course. And I'm just really excited to have him here today. Jacob, thanks so much for joining me. Jacob Taylor [00:01:53]: Oh, thank you for having me. I'm excited. Christopher Lewis [00:01:55]: I am excited to be able to have you here to talk to you about the journey that you're on. And one of the first things that I love doing is I love turning the clock back in time. So I'm going to go all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Jacob Taylor [00:02:08]: Oh, man. So we actually kind of went a nontraditional route and decided not to find out what we were having. And so the moment that I found out was actually in the operating room, we had a C section, and I actually got to announce to the operating room, it's a girl, and just soaking that all in with the realization of, like, this is real. I am a dad. This is my little girl. It was just incredible. I always tell people it's a type of love that you can experience anywhere else because it is an immediate, intense, full on love. Other relationships, you fall in love, you get to know them, but as soon as you see that little face. Jacob Taylor [00:02:52]: It is, I am all in. I will do anything for you no matter what. And it's only gotten better from them as well, which is just amazing to even say out loud and comprehend that. Christopher Lewis [00:03:05]: I'm smiling because of the fact that your journey in the start was very similar to mine, because we didn't find out as well. And we ended up in the emergency room doing a C section. And I got to say, the doctor is like, tell us what the gender is. So I'm looking and I'm like, oh, it's a girl. Jacob Taylor [00:03:25]: Yes. Christopher Lewis [00:03:26]: So, yes, I remember that very vividly. And that daughter is now a freshman in college, and the time goes by very fast. And as you said, for you, it's gotten better along the way. And your daughters are still young, but you've had those experiences, you've had those memories that you've been sharing with them so far. What would you say has been your most memorable experience that you've been able to share with them thus far as a dad? Jacob Taylor [00:03:51]: I think just having them involved in the day to day life, the hobbies, and just some of their questions that they ask at times, just the innocence and their questions kind of makes me stop and think through things I've never thought through before and just experience sunset differently. Probably one of my most cherished memories was watching a sunset with my daughter, and she was sitting there looking all around and asked me, did God make all of this too? And just seeing that go through her mind and getting to have that conversation with her was one of my favorite memories I think I'll cherish forever and has just again changed my outlook on every sunset, which is pretty cool. Christopher Lewis [00:04:37]: It's cool. And I think in becoming a father and becoming a father of daughters, there's some fear that also comes in there. I talked to lots of dads, and there's fear that comes with that. And it's not just fathers of daughters, but it's just being a father in general, too. But there is something to being a father to a daughter that I hear a lot of dads say that there is some fear there. What's been your biggest fear in raising daughters? Jacob Taylor [00:05:00]: I think my biggest fear, so I grew up in a household of all boys, brothers and cousins, all boys, so didn't really know how girls thought or act or anything until I got married, met my wife and got married. And so just the fear of will I be able to connect with her? Will I have anything in common with her? Or is she only going to be with Mommy? Is she going to want to do things with Daddy? And obviously, as my two girls gotten older, I've realized that is the furthest thing from the truth. Christopher Lewis [00:05:30]: So having two daughters at different ages, you have to build those unique relationships with each of them because the personalities are different and they're different people. So talk to me about how you build those special bonds between each of your daughters to allow for them to have those unique experiences and those unique bonds with that. Jacob Taylor [00:05:52]: Yeah, I think it's important, especially as the second one comes along because now you're splitting attention whereas the first child it's a lot easier because they are your sole focus all the time. And so I found it easier with my first daughter to have connections because I'm always with her, always one on one. And so when the second one came along I really make more of an attempt to have just one on one time with her and then finding things that she enjoyed more than what my first daughter enjoyed. They're different personalities completely. My first child is very intuitive and very serious and wants to learn and wants to know about every little thing whereas my second daughter is just goofy and fun loving and she just wants to run around and wrestle around and laugh and play and she doesn't need to ask questions. And so changing how I play with them has really helped connect with both of them. Christopher Lewis [00:06:48]: Now, as a dad you wear many hats. There are the things that you do for fun but there's the things that you do to be able to sustain the life that you and your family have. Whether that's some of the things that you're doing with Fairway Father or if it is the professional job that you have, the hobbies that you have within your life. But to do all of those different things, you have to balance and you have to find some type of balance. So talk to me about balance. How do you balance all of those different things to be able to stay engaged and present with your daughters? Jacob Taylor [00:07:28]: That is a tough one. Being a dad can bring on a lot of stresses that honestly you're not prepared for. Always tell people whenever they're looking to start that journey of becoming a father that you really find out how selfish you are with your time. And it's a big adjust because now all of my decisions impact my children. So the things that I choose to pursue impact my children. My hobbies that I get into impact my children. And so I have to be really diligent on choosing Hobbs that my children can participate in hobbies that are healthy, that I want my children to maybe follow in or to emulate or to have lessons from. And so that's really how I've had to kind of reconstruct. Jacob Taylor [00:08:14]: I could go out and hang out with the guys every other night and bar hop and do this scene. But is that really healthy for my girls to see and to have daddy away from them doing those things? Or is it healthier for me to get into a hobby such as woodworking that I can take them out in the shop and actually show them I'm doing and teach how to use the tools. And golf, I can involve them in that for it. They can ride in a cart with me. They can go to the range with me. I can teach them how to do those things. So I think reconstructing my hobby was the biggest thing for me to be able to still participate in their day to day lives and just having that selflessness with my time of realizing that I may have to miss out on a couple of things. And that's okay if it means spending more time with them and being more involved in their lives. Christopher Lewis [00:09:04]: You and I got introduced to one another through a tweet that you put out there. And I responded to it because you were talking about being a girl dad. And I saw a picture of your daughter and you and golfing, I guess for you, girl dad has been kind of a hashtag that's been out there for a number of years now. I kind of came into the light with Kobe Bryant and then went from there for you. What does being a girl dad mean? Jacob Taylor [00:09:31]: So, for me, I think being a girl dad brings in this added responsibility when it comes to being a father. I need to lead in a way that shows my daughters how they should be by a man. So I want to emulate how any man in their life should treat them. I need to walk that out with my wife. I need to walk that out with how I treat them, how I speak to them. I will not raise my voice to my wife or to my children if that's not what I want them to expect from other men in their life. I think I also need to really preach self image and self worth, unfortunately. I know a lot of women struggle with that. Jacob Taylor [00:10:12]: Being in the field that I'm in, I've studied that quite a bit. And trying to instill that you are worthy, that you have worth, that you are special as a woman, I think that's really a message that I have to carry. And then showing them that you have so many great opportunities because you are a girl. Because you are a woman and there are so many wonderful avenues for you, be it academics, sports, Hobies, whatever they want to choose to do that you don't use it in spite of being a woman, that you get to pursue this because you are a woman. You have special abilities that men, most men do not have that makes you so special. And so I think that's really kind of the drive that I have with being a girl dad is just raising them to be proud of who they are. Christopher Lewis [00:11:04]: I've mentioned a couple of times the hobby, the passion that you have for golf, and that you have a site called Fairwayfather. So talk to me about Fairwayfather.com and what you've created there? Why did you decide to start this platform and what are you trying to teach other dads through this? Jacob Taylor [00:11:22]: Yeah, absolutely. So Fairway Fathers is a new thing that I recently started earlier this year. And the purpose of it is to encourage other fathers to involve their children and their hobbies in their life and particularly golf, because I see that as such a great avenue, especially for young children, for young girls. I think there is just so many opportunities in that game. I think golf instills a lot of important morals. I think it instills character. It's one of the sports that you can hide yourself. It's one of those sports that really uphold integrity. Jacob Taylor [00:11:56]: Integrity is such a big part of the game and so I think there's a lot of values that can come out of that game. And so my goal with Fairway Father is just to encourage fathers or parents to get their kids out into that game so that they can learn lessons and also want to involve the fitness side of it, the nutrition side of it, setting healthy habits and lifestyle choices in front of your children and walking through that with them. Because making those choices are difficult at times and it's not always the easy thing to do, it's not always what you want to do, but you owe it to your children to walk that out with them. So Fairway Father is just kind of a way that doing carriage to help people understand how they can get into the game of golf and how they can get into other hobbies and lead their children through those things. Christopher Lewis [00:12:45]: So you mentioned the fact that you see a lot of parallels and things that can happen in the sport of golf that parallel life and parallel things in life that you're hoping to teach your own daughters and that you're hoping that other fathers can teach their children as well. Talk to me about some of those things that you have found as someone that has been in the sport and that enjoys the sport, but now that is trying to instill that in your own daughters. What are some of those life lessons that you're trying to impart? Jacob Taylor [00:13:17]: As we watch the pros play right now, it's coming to the close of the season and so really good tournament. We're watching these guys that are professional, this is their life, this is their livelihood, this is what they do every single day. And when you look at their scorecard, very often you see a perfect scorecard. You don't see a birdie on every hole, you oftentimes see bogeys. So even the best guys make mistakes and that's kind of the same way of life. We can do everything exactly right. We can go to the most, see the school. We study as hard, we can make all the great test grades, we can set up our 401 the best way that we know how to, all of these things that we can work on. Jacob Taylor [00:14:04]: But something may still happen. Can hit a sprinkler head. And as ball launched 30 yards over the green, and life works like that, too. You may have a car accident on the way to work that now you don't have a car. You may have an injury or sick that sets you back, and you may lose your job because of it. And life happens like that. There is no such thing as perfection in life. And I think golf really teaches you how to handle whenever something comes up like that, you kind of have to brush it off and move on to the next shot. Jacob Taylor [00:14:37]: So same thing with life. Someone gets thrown in your face if you sulk over it. Your next decision is probably not going to be as good, and then your next decision is probably not going to be as good. Or you can adjust your mindset and say, okay, this happened, it stinks. Here's what I'm going to do better next time. Here's what I'm going to change next time. I think golf is just a great life teacher. A lot of patience can be taught through the game of golf. Jacob Taylor [00:15:04]: And again, like I said, integrity is in the game of golf. And so I just think golf has such a great parallel with life if we really study the game and consider our life while we're out there playing the game. Christopher Lewis [00:15:15]: So talk to me a little bit about your kids are still young, and you've got what, four year old and. Jacob Taylor [00:15:22]: A two year old? Christopher Lewis [00:15:23]: Two year old. So teaching some of those lessons...
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Building Strong Relationships: Insights from Coach Craig Bennett on Father-Daughter Bond
11/13/2023
Building Strong Relationships: Insights from Coach Craig Bennett on Father-Daughter Bond
In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis explores the experiences of being a father to daughters with guest Craig Bennett, a high school football coach. The episode delves into various aspects of fatherhood and raising daughters, offering valuable insights and personal anecdotes. Christopher Lewis introduces the podcast as a platform dedicated to spotlighting resources and insights for dads striving to be the best fathers they can be. He emphasizes the importance of learning from one another, challenging the misconception that fatherhood must be a solitary journey. Craig Bennett, a father of two daughters and a high school football coach in Georgia, joins the podcast to share his experiences and wisdom. The conversation begins with a reflection on the moment Craig learned he was going to be a father to a daughter. He expresses his elation at the gift of having a daughter and discusses how gender wasn't a determining factor for him; he simply wanted a healthy child. Christopher asks Craig about his fears in raising daughters, and Craig candidly admits that his main fear was being too hard on them due to his upbringing in a rough and tough environment. He shares a transformative moment when he realized he needed to separate his frustrations from his role as a father to protect his daughter from unnecessary emotional baggage. The discussion turns to the uniqueness of each daughter's personality and the importance of building unique relationships with each child. Craig emphasizes the significance of understanding and accepting their differences rather than trying to mold them into a specific image. When asked about his favorite activities to share with his daughters, Craig emphasizes that it's the time spent together that matters most, regardless of the activity. He mentions his commitment to spending quality time with his daughters, considering his demanding role as a high school football coach. Craig talks about the challenges of parenting daughters during their middle school years, highlighting the emotional struggles and societal pressures they face. He underscores the importance of being there to support and guide them during this transformative phase. The conversation shifts to the topic of work-life balance, a challenge for Craig given his role as a head football coach. He discusses his efforts to compartmentalize work and home life, prioritizing time spent with his family and setting boundaries to avoid bringing work-related stress home. The podcast explores the concept of being a "girl dad," with Craig expressing immense pride in the unique bond he shares with his daughters. He shares the inspiring story of his daughter's journey to becoming a kicker for Valdosta State's NCAA football team, breaking barriers and pursuing her passion despite challenges. Craig also reflects on a crucial lesson he learned while coaching girls' basketball, acknowledging that he was overly critical of his daughter instead of enjoying watching her play. He advises fathers to avoid pushing their children too hard in sports and to let them enjoy the experience. The episode concludes with Craig's daughter returning to his coaching team, offering an opportunity for a renewed bond and shared experiences. Throughout the episode, Craig Bennett's experiences and insights provide valuable guidance for fathers on their journey of raising strong, independent daughters. The importance of embracing individuality, spending quality time, and being supportive is at the heart of this inspiring conversation. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have an opportunity to sit down together, to talk and to learn and grow from every dad that I talk to on the show. And the reason for that is that being a dad doesn't have to be a solitary thing. And so many dads that I've talked to over the years talk about the misunderstanding, the misconception, the kind of societal norms that sometimes make you think that you have to go it alone, that you have to man up, that you have to do all these things to figure it out for yourself. And that's really not the case. There are so many dads that are around you. Christopher Lewis [00:01:09]: There are so many dads that are doing the fatherhood thing, and you can learn so many things from them. So every week I love being able to talk with you, but also to bring you dads that are fathering in different ways, that have learned different things, both positive and maybe negative, that can help you along the journey that you are on as well. And that's an important thing because all of us need to understand that we're going to make mistakes along the way. All of us need to understand that we can ask for help. And even if you're not willing to ask for help, you can listen, you can learn, and you can find some new tools that you can add to your toolbox that will help you to be that dad you want to be this week. We've got another great dad joining us today. Craig Bennett is with us and Craig is a main head football coach down in Georgia, and we are going to be talking about his journey as a father of two daughters and learn a little bit more about him and about the experiences that he's had. And I'm really excited to have him here. Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]: Craig, thanks so much for joining us. Craig Bennett [00:02:22]: Thank you so much for having me. It's definitely an honor. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]: My pleasure having you here today. One of the first things I love doing is I like to turn the clock back in time. And I know you've got two daughters. I'd love to turn the clock all the way back, all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Craig Bennett [00:02:39]: Amazing. Just the guy would bless me with such a gift. And I had a brother and there was no daughters in our family, and so he had already had two daughters. My brother and so this was going to be the third granddaughter on our side of the family. So your typical response was, you're a football coach, you had a brother, don't you want a boy? And I said no. I really didn't. I did not care. And when it was a girl, I was elated. Christopher Lewis [00:03:08]: So like you just said, someone asked you, you don't want a boy? And you said, Nah, you didn't matter. It didn't matter to you. For you, why didn't it matter? Craig Bennett [00:03:19]: Mostly just because I just wanted a healthy child. I mean, that was a blessing from God. It didn't matter to me, boy or girl, didn't matter. Christopher Lewis [00:03:29]: So a lot of dads that I talked to talk to me about that when walking into fatherhood, but also walking into being a father of a daughter, that there's a little bit of fear that goes in there. Maybe there's a lot of fear, but there's some fear that definitely is there. What would you say was your biggest fear in raising daughters? Craig Bennett [00:03:46]: Probably being too hard on them. Honestly, just growing up on a farm and growing up, my brother, myself, both had opportunity to play college football. And so you had this rough and tough and macho world that we grew up in and just making sure that I was doing the right thing and doing right for her and to her and all of that, unpack that a. Christopher Lewis [00:04:10]: Little bit for me. So what did you have to do to be able to, as you said, not be too hard and to kind of maybe soften the outer shell a little bit that you might not have typically done well? Craig Bennett [00:04:23]: And I'll tell you, it really goes back to a moment in time, and not necessarily when she was born. We were in a playoff game and still was a young coach and still very immature. And it's very immature as a dad as well. And when you lose a game, you tend to bring that loss home and nobody wants to be around you. And I remember distinctly we lost a playoff game and my daughter, she was a little over one years old, and she comes running up to me and I'm mad and I'm frustrated that we lost. And she has her arms wide open and it hit me really like a ton of bricks that she doesn't care if we win or lose this game or not and why should I let my emotions impact her? And so that moment I decided that I was not going to bring those things home and that was really because of her. Christopher Lewis [00:05:10]: Did you have to do anything to be able to flip that switch? Did you have to do some work for yourself to be able to make that happen? Because for a lot of us, we can say it, but to make it happen takes some work and is not always easy work to do. Craig Bennett [00:05:28]: Yeah, and I'll be honest, I didn't. The look in her eyes running to me with her arms open, that was it for me. And it was either going to give up this thing you love in your coaching career or you're going to treat your daughter the right way and not take anything out on her that she has no control over whatsoever. So it was pretty instantaneous. Christopher Lewis [00:05:50]: Honestly appreciate you sharing that. Now you have two daughters. Everyone that has multiple kids tells me the same thing and I have two daughters myself. Personalities are very different amongst the girls and you have to be able to build strong relationships, but unique relationships with each of your kids. Talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your daughters. Craig Bennett [00:06:15]: I think just understanding those differences and sometimes we want our lives easy and we want cookie cutter things where everything's identical and it just makes life easy and learned early on they were going to be very different and had to approach them differently, had to speak to them differently. Everything from schoolwork to athletics to social life, everything's different. And thinking, just accepting who they are and not trying to change them or mold them into being the bigger sister or being the younger sister, it was, hey, you guys are very different and we're going to accept that and move forward and do the best we can. Christopher Lewis [00:06:53]: So getting to know your kids, you get to also know the things that they love to do and you definitely have specific things that you love to do. As you look at both of your daughters, what are the favorite things that you like to do or share with each of your individual daughters? Craig Bennett [00:07:13]: And it's time, it doesn't matter to me. I don't really have a favorite thing I like to do with either one of them. It's just the time that we get to spend. And being a high school football coach, my time is very limited anyway. And so we made an early choice early in our marriage and being early parents to say the time we get, we're going to spend and not bring things home. And I gave up golf because I was 4 hours away from them and spending money and I wasn't very good anyway, so that was easy. But even simple things like, hey, if we're going to meet as a staff, we're going to meet in the mornings. That's when my girls were asleep and most kids are and it saved me some time in the evenings to be able to spend with them and it's just we enjoy being with them and I think they would say the same. Christopher Lewis [00:08:02]: So raising kids in general has its high moments. It's got its low moments, it's got everything in between. As you look back at the lives of both of your daughters, what's been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Craig Bennett [00:08:15]: Oh, gosh middle school. Just the emotions that young girls go through and the struggles of middle school and everything from what they wear every day to who their friends are and what sports they do or whatever, what classes they're in. That was a hard time, I think, for everybody, even parents of young men at that age. I think they're going through a lot of changes and just to be there, support them and help them grow into who they're going to be, hopefully. So that was a tough time. Christopher Lewis [00:08:52]: It is definitely a tough time. And I can think of both my daughters having to go through their own learning and own journeys and you want to save them from every single thing and you can't always save them from every single thing because they've got to learn and they've got to grow. But you definitely want to, and you want to lift them up and hold them and help them through it and tell them that it's all going to be okay. And it typically is, but at that point in time it's not to them. Craig Bennett [00:09:22]: No. Christopher Lewis [00:09:24]: Now, you are a busy guy. You are the head football coach for the Cambridge High School football team. And as you said, it takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time, especially throughout the fall as you are working with your team and you are also working with other teams at your high school, as working with other athletic teams as well. And that takes you away from your family as well. So talk to me about balance. And balance is sometimes a bad word, but it's something that we all have to deal with, we all have to think about and all have to try to grapple with. How have you been best able to balance both work and being that engaged, present dad that you wanted to be? Craig Bennett [00:10:13]: And I'll be honest, I don't always do a great job of that. And that's something you got to work on daily and constantly. I would say. I try to compartmentalize everything at work. I'm going to be at work. Obviously, if those two need me, they know they're going to be able to get me. But when I'm at home, I don't bring the work home, I don't bring my computer home, I don't bring huddle home, video, whatever. I'm going to try to spend that time as much as I can with them. Craig Bennett [00:10:41]: You do say balance and people sometimes look at that and say there's never true balance, but if you don't work for it, it'll slip away from you. And I think I learned that, like I said early in my career, just say, look, if I can't get it done at school and get it done in the time that we're there and the time that we're spending, then it probably doesn't need to get done. And a lot of coaches, and I think I learned this early in my career as well. A lot of coaches say, hey, family is first your faith and then your family. But they wouldn't live that out. And football became ever so more important than family during the season. And it was hard as a young coach to say, well, you've told me family is important, but yet your actions don't show that. And so that's been one of my goals as a head coach. Craig Bennett [00:11:25]: I think sometimes you learn more what not to do through people you work for and work with than to do what they did. So I learned that early on. Look, if we're going to say it, we're going to try to live it out and make that important, make those decisions important, and the game will disappear for all of us, but family doesn't. Christopher Lewis [00:11:44]: You and I got introduced through a tweet that you put out there. I saw a tweet of your daughter, and you used that hashtag Girl dad that's been around for quite a few years. And I guess for me, one of the questions I would love to ask you is for you, what does being a girl dad mean? Craig Bennett [00:12:02]: Honestly, just pride. I mean, just pride in who they are. And it's something to me very special to be a girl dad. To say, I'll be honest with you, I didn't go with the trend a couple of years ago when it became really trendy, I guess you could say. But, yeah, it's special. There's a bond, I think, with dads and daughters that's incomparable, and I'm not throwing any other relationship away or anything like that, but it's a special bond. Christopher Lewis [00:12:31]: I'd be remiss to not have you brag a little bit about the image that I was talking about. And I saw an image of your daughter at Valdesta State and playing football for their team. Tell me the story behind how she got into playing football and now is playing NCAA football. Craig Bennett [00:12:52]: Yeah, it's unique. She played soccer growing up. She played soccer at four years old. And I got to be a little bit honest here. She played in a co ed league with little boys and little girls, and I would always give her a dollar for every little boy she knocked down. I probably shouldn't say that out loud. She was always very physical. So she would tell me she was going to play football and she'd be my quarterback, and we would laugh kind of joke. Craig Bennett [00:13:14]: And so this progressed throughout her young soccer career. And as a 9th grader, she said, I want to come kick for you. And I said, well, you're going to come out there and try it. I'll let you try. And the first extra point at a practice she made, and she made like, I think she was like 13 or 14 in a row, but her soccer schedule wouldn't allow it. And so her sophomore year, I'll never forget, she came up to me at school and she said, I just got my soccer schedule. I said, okay, good, that's great. What is it like? She goes, I can play football. Craig Bennett [00:13:42]: So I immediately took her to locker room and put a helmet on her and it kind of grew from there, to be honest with you, that she was a JV kicker for us as a sophomore and got to kick in a varsity game. We were up pretty big and she got to go in and kick in a varsity game, which was pretty cool because there's not too many in high school football that get to do that. And then as a junior, one of our young men got really sick and had to withdraw from school. He was our starting kicker. And so she kind of assumed those responsibilities. I think she was 90 out of 95 in two years as extra points. And she did some kickoffs. She had a touchdown saving tackle that helped us win a game on a kickoff. Craig Bennett [00:14:25]: And so she had some accomplishments with our region in Georgia, and we went and made the playoffs two years in a row while she was kicking for us. She wanted the opportunity, and it's tough, it's a tough deal to have a female on your football team and there's locker room that you have to deal with and dressing out at different places and all of those things. And so every coach I would send her stats to, every coach that I knew, I knew a lot of college coaches, and they would say, yeah, we'll take a walk on kicker, and I'd have to then text them, hey, Coach, this is my daughter. And it would kind of go radio silent. So long story short, I'm not going to tell you the whole story. She decided just to go to Valdosta State, who has been a Division Two powerhouse for many, many years. And we had a chance meeting with the Dean, and he had actually evaluated the officials for one of our playoff games. And we were like, well, our daughter kicked. Craig Bennett [00:15:22]: And so it kind of progressed from there. And they gave her a tryout and she made the team as a...
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Navigating the Roller Coaster of Fatherhood: A Conversation with Ryan Ottinger
11/06/2023
Navigating the Roller Coaster of Fatherhood: A Conversation with Ryan Ottinger
In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis discusses fatherhood, blended families, and raising daughters with guest . They delve into various aspects of parenting and the unique challenges and rewards of being a "girl dad." Christopher emphasizes the importance of understanding that fatherhood is a journey with its ups and downs, and it's crucial not to go through it alone. He highlights the value of learning from other dads and sharing experiences to become the best possible fathers to their daughters. Ryan, a father of two biological children and three stepchildren, discusses the challenges and joys of blending families. He emphasizes the significance of setting a positive example as a male role model and ensuring a strong family-oriented upbringing. Ryan shares his experiences coaching his children in sports, emphasizing the importance of being present and involved in their lives. The conversation touches on finding a balance between work and family life. Ryan talks about how having a flexible job with a short commute allowed him to be present for his children and attend their events, reinforcing the importance of making time for family. Ryan and Christopher discuss the unique relationships they have with their children and the importance of recognizing and nurturing each child's interests and passions. They stress the value of quality one-on-one time with each child, tailoring their parenting approach to each child's needs. The episode also explores the concept of being a "girl dad" and what it means to take pride in raising strong, independent daughters. Both hosts express their deep pride in their daughters' accomplishments and the fulfillment that comes with guiding them towards successful futures. In the final segment, they touch on the emotional journey of leaving a child at college and the bittersweet transition as children grow and gain independence. Christopher emphasizes the importance of preparing children for adulthood and celebrating their readiness for the next chapter. Overall, the episode provides valuable insights into fatherhood, blended families, and the joys and challenges of raising daughters, highlighting the significance of being present, supportive, and nurturing as fathers. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women in really excited to have you back again this week. As always, you and I are on a journey together. We are working together to try to figure this fatherhood thing out. It's not always an easy thing, not always simple. We go through ups and downs and there's always going to be that in the lives of our daughters, but also the lives that we have. And we have to be able to understand and know how to ride that roller coaster as it goes on. Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]: Now, that being said, we don't have to do this alone. And it's so important for you to understand that you're not alone in this journey. And whether you're comfortable talking to that neighbor of yours that has kids or not, we're still here. And I love being able to talk to you every week and to bring you resources and other dads that are doing fatherhood in different ways because you can learn from every father that comes on this show to help you to be the best dad that you can be. This week, we got another great guest with us. Ryan Odinger is with us today, and Ryan is a father of two biological kids and step kids, so he has a blended family, so we'll be talking a little bit about that, but we'll also be talking a little bit about a few other things and learn a little bit more about him and about the experiences that he's had. And I'm really excited to have him here. Thanks so much for joining us. Ryan Ottinger [00:01:59]: Thanks for having me. My pleasure. Having you here today. One of the first things I love doing is I like to turn the clock back in time. And I know you've got two daughters. I'd love to turn the clock all the way back, all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Amazing. I've never been more terrified. Ryan Ottinger [00:02:17]: Being a dad of a daughter is the longest roller coaster of joy and fear that you could be on in a great way in all aspects, but I knew how to be a boy and I knew how to be a man, but I didn't have any idea what to do with a little girl. And I was scared to death. But it turned out to be one of, if not the most rewarding experiences of my life. Fatherhood is a rewarding experience and definitely can be fearful as well. There's fear in not only having kids in general, but I talk to a lot of dads and a lot of dads say that there is fear that goes along with being a father to a daughter. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? My biggest fear is just as she moves forward. She's a freshman in college now. I've always tried to set an example of what a male role model should be in her life. Ryan Ottinger [00:03:14]: Whether it will be a teacher, a coach, future employer, husband, whatever the case may be that they should have a positive impact in her life. And I try to lead by example on that. I don't always get it right. That's part of parenting. If I could turn back the clock, there's probably a few things I would do different. But overall, she's amazing and I may take a tiny bit of credit for that, but she's been just a joy to father and she's made it easy. Our relationship has been nothing but friendship the entire time. We were best friends, always did stuff together. Ryan Ottinger [00:03:53]: I included her in my stuff, which I think is huge, and then also I wanted to be included in her stuff. We would take her when she was little to the mall and get makeovers and stuff like that, just her and I. And I think that's huge too. It has to be a partnership. It can't just be all that dad wants to do and sit and watch football or go fishing or whatever. But it doesn't always have to be all makeup and whatever she was into. We just kind of tried to find a good mix of what we both enjoyed and it worked out fantastic. I think it's important to be able to find those things that not only your child is passionate about, but you're passionate about too, that you can, as you said, kind of share both together. Christopher Lewis [00:04:35]: As you think about the relationship that you have with your daughter, what would you say is the thing that you love to share most with your daughter? I think that what I'm most proud about is just the person that she has turned out to be. She is all the good that I wanted her to be with very little, if any, of a negative as far as just being a good person, being a valuable member of society, being a good friend. And she loves family, which is a value that I've tried to instill. She makes time for us, she makes time for her cousins, step brothers and sisters, her brother. She's just always available and she puts family first. And I think that if I've taught her anything, that is probably what I'm the most proud of, is the fact that she is very family oriented. And I think she may be the type of girl who just once she spreads her wings after college, she may never come back to live in her hometown. But I think that we've dug enough roots that she will always value family and where she came from. Ryan Ottinger [00:05:39]: That's the only thing that we can do. And I have a daughter that's just like that. You and I both have freshmen in colleges, are in college. And I know that I don't believe that she will move back anywhere near where we are and she will spread her wings and fly and do amazing things in her life. But the thing that I hope too, is that she will always have those roots, always have the family to be able to draw from, no matter where she is, whether it's in Michigan, in Washington, DC. In the United States, or somewhere else. So I think that's all we can do as fathers, as parents, is to plant those seeds along the way and try to hope that they take root, as you said, because that will help them to only be more successful as they grow. Now, as we raise our children, there are times where you have opportunities to build really strong, memorable experiences, to have to build those memories with our children. Christopher Lewis [00:06:50]: What would you say has been the most memorable experience that you've been able to have thus far as a father to a daughter? I would say being able to coach her in athletics. She is in high school and all through her life has been just a superb athlete. And the opportunity to coach her and the opportunity for her to enjoy it, I've seen in the past, and I've been in parenting situations and coaching situations where they don't always blend. It's tough to treat everybody the same, whether it's good or bad. And she is such an amazing, hard worker. And to be able to coach her, see the learning process kind of going through her head, and then her incorporating that, it really touched me because a lot of it sometimes kids say, okay, and as kids, I was the same way. You probably figure that, you know, it a little bit better, especially as you get older. But she was always so coachable and just an appetite for knowledge in any subject. Ryan Ottinger [00:07:49]: And I think that's the thing that I will remember most about growing up as she was growing up, just being able to coach her and her really transferring that to whatever activity she was involved in at that time. I love that. I can say that I've never coached, but I always was involved with the team. And at times I was an assistant coach, though I can't say that I was really the coach. I would be there, I would engage with the kids, I would help the kids. I don't know that I had the skill set to be the full coach in that regard, but I tried my best. Being out there, that's just as important as anything else, just being involved, I think. Now, I know that you work in utilities. Christopher Lewis [00:08:30]: That's a challenging job. It can be a time consuming job. And you also made the comment that you try to make sure that you're present and that you were involved in your kids lives. Talk to me about balance and what you had to do to be able to find that balance between work, family and all the other hats that you wore. I've been at the utilities here in my hometown since 1999 and I've always tried to find a balance with my kids. And there were job opportunities that had a commute or involved travel. But the job that I have now is three minutes, four minutes from home. And I had the flexibility with a wonderful workplace. Ryan Ottinger [00:09:13]: If my kids ever were to fall ill at school, I could leave right away and go home, take care of them, no questions asked, and never missed a sporting event. Now, if we had emergencies, the normal schedule and the day to day balance, I was there when they got home from school. I was able to take them a lunchbox if they forgot it. I was able to take them practice clothes if they forgot it for after school. And I think that that is huge. And I think just being present, there's a lot of times where the kids would be on their phones in the living room, but I always love that compared to them going in their bedroom and closing the door, it's just being present and being involved with them, even if it's just sitting around in the living room. And now that they're gone, you really realize how every second is precious. And 1819 years, it seems like a long time, but in kid years it flies by and there's no do overs. Ryan Ottinger [00:10:08]: So I'd rather my kids get tired of me and I spend too much time with them as the opposite of them just wanting somebody to be there for them and not be there. It does fly by. I think people told me that throughout my life. Treasure the time because it is fleeting and it truly is. And I will echo that until I can't echo it anymore. Now, you've talked about a lot of the positive things. What would you say has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Being able to relate. As far as the struggles that teenage girls go through with my son, I understood for the most part this is a trying time for all teenagers and they have a lot of difficulties that a person my age never had to deal with, with social media and everything that goes along with that. Ryan Ottinger [00:10:52]: But I always had trouble relating. So what I always tried to do was just listen. Just let her come home from school and go off about this or go off about that and be compassionate. Sometimes I didn't give her the right answers and sometimes you have to give the wrong what they don't want to hear because that's reality. But I always just tried to listen and if I couldn't relate, just be a sounding board for. And 15 minutes later, after she calmed down a little bit, she was fine. She just needed to get it off of her chest. And I think that was what I tried to do. Christopher Lewis [00:11:25]: The best is just listen and be a listening device and not have to give an opinion on every single thing. Now, I mentioned at the beginning of the show that you have a blended family. You have two biological kids, you have three step kids. And talk about challenges of raising your own children, let alone bringing families together. That is challenging in itself. Talk to me about what, as a family, you had to do to be able to start to bring those families together. When you did come together, it wasn't easy. But I also think that nothing in life that's going to have a long term reward is easy, because if it is, it's not as rewarding. Ryan Ottinger [00:12:06]: Having said that, it's difficult when you go from a single dad with a three bedroom house. And then we moved in together, and together we have 220 year old boys. My daughter hayden and Kobe are 20. Kobe is my son. Kylie is my daughter. She is 18. And then Reed is the youngest boy, and he's a senior in high school. And Sloan is my stepdaughter, and she's in 8th grade. Ryan Ottinger [00:12:32]: So unfortunately, their father has passed away. So I've been around for about three, four years now. And so I really think it's important that I pass on and show my youngest stepdaughter the relationship that I have with my daughter. And that way she also has. And this kind of refers back to what I was talking about earlier. She knows what a good father son or father daughter relationship is. She sees a positive male role model. She sees how I treat her mom and how I expect others to treat her mom, and that's how I expect that anybody in her future would treat her. Ryan Ottinger [00:13:13]: But moving in together, it's never going to be super easy. But her kids are wonderful, and my wife Melissa is wonderful, and my kids love her, her kids love me. We go on vacations together. We spend tons of time. So, you know, moving is stressful, just if you move in a normal situation. But when you're blending families and dogs that never met each other and that kind of that whole thing, there were some growing pains. Everybody kind of had to find their groove. But I think that's the biggest thing is you let everybody kind of carve their path and then you know, okay, this person showers every night at this time, so I've got to figure that out. Ryan Ottinger [00:13:52]: This person does laundry. It's just life. Living together with anyone's not easy. You have to have cooperation. And we found a good balance, I feel like. And now when we moved in together, all five kids were in the house. And then a year from now, there's only going to be one left. So she's going to get all the attention. Ryan Ottinger [00:14:09]: Whether she wants it or not. She's going to be the focus of both of us. So talk to me about that relationship with Sloan and what you've had to do to be able to maybe say, slowly step into a role of mentorship, a role of friendship, a role of connection. And I say all of that before I say a role as a father, because I'm sure that you have probably in your mind and outwardly said, I am a father. I'm not trying to replace your father. But how did you have to start building those building blocks with her after that initial move in? It was a process, but it was easy. She's very different from a lot of teenagers. As far as she was open and willing to a relationship, there wasn't any resentment or apprehension on her part for me to be a part of her life, which made it all the easier, because then if you have apprehension and then you have to find the balance as a bonus. Ryan Ottinger [00:15:14]: Dad, do I try harder? Do I pull back? Grant, where do I fit in this role? Because I don't want to be overbearing and try to force a relationship. But I also don't want to seem aloof and to seem like I don't want a relationship. So what I always try to do is Kylie, my daughter, was always in my back pocket, so we were always together. So what we tried to do is include Sloan on a lot of the stuff that we were doing together. But then I also made sure that I had one on one time for Kylie and I had one on one time for Sloan. So I think that when you're able to carve out time just for one child, it's more meaningful experience. Maybe not for the parent, because I love being with all my kids, but for the child, it just seems more special. But it's been a slow. Ryan Ottinger [00:15:59]: You're putting brick on brick and you're getting a foundation. We're great friends. We've got a great relationship. I don't know about being a disciplinarian just because at this point in life, she doesn't really need it. She's just that girl. And my daughter was the same way. If I said something and made a suggestion, 99 times out of 100 they go with it and we go down that path together and if there's a disagreement, we work it out. So I'm very fortunate that way that she's bought in the same amount that I bought in. Ryan Ottinger [00:16:28]: And it's a great relationship. You talked about the fact that with your kids you have to build those unique relationships, especially in a blended family. You have built relationships with your two biological kids. You've had more time with them. Now you've had three new kids that have entered your life and have become a part of your family as a whole. Talk to me about how you have been able to build those unique relationships with each child. Seeing that each child is unique and understanding that you have to build that relationship in a little bit different way. Anyone that has more than one child at home knows that there's no cookie cutter, even if you have I have stepbrothers that are twins and they're not even remotely the same and they weren't ever growing up. Ryan Ottinger [00:17:17]: They both had vastly different interests. So I think it's finding out what they're interested in and they're passionate about and exploring know. My stepson and I, reed had a we talked politics for about an hour and a half. My wife finally just went to bed and we sat at the kitchen table and with no TV on, no phones or anything, and just talked. There was no...
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Understanding Suicide: Tools and Resources for Parents & Their Kids With Alexandra Wyman
10/30/2023
Understanding Suicide: Tools and Resources for Parents & Their Kids With Alexandra Wyman
In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis welcomes guest Alexandra Wyman to discuss the challenging topic of suicide and how to navigate the aftermath. The episode focuses on providing support and resources for individuals dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide. Christopher introduces , an advocate and public speaker who experienced the loss of her husband to suicide in August 2020. She shares her journey and the inspiration behind her book, "." Alexandra recounts her life before her husband's suicide, emphasizing societal expectations of a successful life and family. She details her personal journey of meeting her husband, getting married, and having a child, which led her to believe she had achieved a successful life. However, four days before their second wedding anniversary, her husband took his life, leaving her in shock and disbelief. Alexandra discusses her initial struggles, including the lack of consistent support and the need to make immediate decisions. She explains that during the early stages of her grief, she began documenting her experiences, emotional states, and any helpful strategies she discovered. The conversation transitions to addressing the guilt and self-blame that survivors of suicide often experience. Alexandra emphasizes that it's challenging to predict or prevent suicide, emphasizing the importance of spreading love and checking in on loved ones who may be struggling emotionally. Christopher inquires about how to support individuals affected by suicide from an outsider's perspective. Alexandra recommends being present for them and offering specific help rather than asking them what they need. She also highlights the significance of ongoing support beyond the initial shock period when most people tend to withdraw. They discuss the complexities of explaining suicide to children and how to approach age-appropriate conversations about the topic. Alexandra emphasizes the importance of honesty and using concrete language when discussing suicide with children. Alexandra mentions various tools and coping strategies she has relied on during her grief journey. These include therapy, journaling, meditation, exercise, reaching out to friends, and seeking information from blogs and books on death and grief. The episode concludes with Alexandra's message of hope and resilience, encouraging those who have experienced suicide loss to keep moving forward and find meaning and purpose in life. She underscores the importance of anchoring to something meaningful as a source of strength. Christopher mentions the significance of the "988" suicide and crisis lifeline, urging anyone in need to reach out for help. Alexandra provides her website, Forwardtojoy.com, as a valuable resource for additional support, coaching, and information about her book, "The Suicide Club." The episode offers valuable insights, resources, and guidance for individuals dealing with suicide loss, as well as those seeking to support loved ones through this difficult journey. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight Dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Hey, everyone, this is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters, where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. As you know, every week we are chatting together about how you can raise amazing daughters in your lives to help them be strong, independent women. And every week I love being able to chat with you about the journey that you're on and help you to learn from others. This week we've got a really great guest with us and I'm so excited that she was willing to join us today. We're going to be talking about a topic that is a little bit tougher. We're going to be talking about suicide and coming out on the other side of suicide. Christopher Lewis [00:01:02]: But it's important. It's an important topic and it's hopefully a topic that you may not have to deal with in your life, but it's important to understand what to do in these situations. So our guest today is Alexandra Wyman, and she is an advocate and public speaker for resources in the aftermath of suicide. After she lost her husband to suicide in August of 2020, she found a need to change the language around suicide and decided to write about it. She wrote a memoir called The Suicide Club. What to Do When Someone You love Chooses death. And you can find it on Amazon. I'm going to put a link in the notes today for you to be able to find that. Christopher Lewis [00:01:46]: She's spoken at many conferences about this and really worked to try to help others to understand this. So I'm really excited to be able to talk to her today, to be able to learn from her and have you learn from her and the journey that she's been on. Alexandra, thanks so much for being here today. Alexandra Wyman [00:02:04]: Oh, Chris, thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be able to speak with you today. Christopher Lewis [00:02:09]: It is my pleasure having you here today. And I guess let's start at the beginning because this as I said, it's not an easy topic to talk about. But talk to me about what led you to this book and the situation that ended up bringing you to being the person that you are now and talking to people and helping people through suicide. Alexandra Wyman [00:02:33]: Yeah, well, yeah, that's kind of a loaded intro there. I don't want to take up too much of your time on that, but I'll start with that. Coming out of college, I kind of bought into that idea with a successful life being. You meet a partner, you get married, you find your house, your white picket fence, you get your 2.5 children, your 1.5 dogs, you know the deal. And you get into a career, you stay there forever and then you retire, go travel, and then watch your kids and grandkids grow. That is so not how things went for me. So getting out of college, I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Had studied pre law, decided that wasn't the direction that was right for me. Alexandra Wyman [00:03:12]: Traveled a bit, did not have a partner house nor children, and then just continued on. Eventually did get my master's in occupational therapy and was getting pretty comfortable in the single life in my 30s when I met Sean. And it was happenstance I had sworn off, I was like, I'm over this. I'm not doing this anymore. And of course, that's always when the person comes into your life. And we had a very strong connection, just really hit it off. And being a little bit older, decided we didn't want to mess with all the niceties. Sometimes that comes with dating and getting to know each other. Alexandra Wyman [00:03:47]: So within about a year after meeting each other, we got married, bought that house, and found out that I was pregnant. And finally I thought oh, okay. It took me a little bit longer than other people I know, but let me check off that list of what this successful life looks like. And both of us were in our successful careers, and life looked great. And nothing is ever perfect, let me say that. There's nothing perfect about our marriage or our relationship. Like, there isn't really in any relationship. And then four days before our second wedding anniversary, sean ended up taking his life. Alexandra Wyman [00:04:20]: And talk about rug being pulled out from underneath you and looking at this going, Wait, I thought I got there right? I got to the successful life. What do you mean now he's dead. This is not how things are supposed to go. And then in addition to that, so not only is there massive grief, our son was just over one when Sean passed. And then there's some complications with trauma and additional drama from other individuals involved in the situation and trying to sort through all of that. And I kept finding that even initially, within even that first four to six weeks, where I just was like, what are the tools I can use for this? And I found that it's very inconsistent, the support that's available to individuals and survivors. And so in my particular personal situation, I was told there'd be an advocate from the county who would come and support me. And I had one conversation with that person and never heard again from the county. Alexandra Wyman [00:05:11]: So there's so much that has to happen. And often we say, don't make any decisions in that first year, and you have to make decisions immediately. Like day zero, I had to make decisions. So I started jotting down notes of things that I found helpful or didn't find helpful or ways that things that I was experiencing, such as cognitive overload or not being able to really function past a certain time or even eating. I started jotting notes over, I was able to eat today, I wasn't able to eat yesterday. And then I figured out that what I essentially wanted to end up doing was help someone else. So that whatever path I had to forge on my own because there wasn't as much support that someone else wouldn't have to go through that even three weeks after Sean passed, I got a phone call saying, so a friend's husband just died by suicide. Can you reach out to them and be a it doesn't stop. Alexandra Wyman [00:06:00]: Even though I hoped it would have stopped with Sean's passing, it didn't. And so people are passing this way still frequently. And so I decided that maybe if I could write a book or give tips and tricks of what I found worked for me, that maybe it would help someone else along the way. And so that's how the inception of the book came. Really didn't think I would ever publish it. And then it all just kind of fell into place. And here we are now being able to really talk and hopefully empower and encourage other people to have conversations and start talking more about this. Because as much as I'd like this type of death to go away, it isn't. Christopher Lewis [00:06:34]: One of the things that comes to mind before we get into some of the tips and tricks post suicide is, I guess, after this happened to you in your life, I'm sure there's a lot of questioning, there's a lot of things that probably go through your head of what should I have seen? Or were there things I could have seen that could have helped along the way? And I'm sure that there have been many people that have asked you questions that you've supported along the way and probably asked those same questions. What do you say to those individuals as they go through that questioning process? Alexandra Wyman [00:07:09]: It's so complicated because on the one hand, absolutely you're going to run through the scenarios. What could you have done differently? How could you have been a different support? Was there something I still go through that? Was there something I could have done the day of? I knew ahead of time what was happening and spent a considerable amount of time trying to access Sean before he passed. So there's so many different scenarios that you can run through and do that. And so there's a few different ways I look at this. One of the ways that I'll say is there aren't really obvious signs that someone is going to pass this way. As much as that would be very comforting and provide some safety and security, that our loved ones aren't going to go through something like this. There just isn't. That doesn't mean that if people are hurting that you can't reach out or check on them or ask them directly, are you thinking of harming yourself or being able to have tools to help, not confront, but help someone who you think is struggling. Alexandra Wyman [00:08:08]: Sean did have his own struggles and stress that were going on and I just took ask. I won't say I didn't ask the right questions. I think I just didn't provide enough of an avenue for him to feel more comfortable talking to me as he got to that point. And to be honest, I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do can't. I've had to work through holding on to the guilt around that. So it's easy to take on the responsibility that someone getting to this point, that it was any of us involved around Sean, that it was our responsibility to, quote, save him. The other thing I'll say is when it comes to questions around that, of thinking back on what we could have done differently or how to approach people, I'm just a big proponent now of just spread the love. Just tell everyone that you love them or how much they mean to you and really see people for who they are. Alexandra Wyman [00:08:58]: And I think that is a missing link that sometimes we just miss in general. So often it's almost as though we understand that someone is hurting when they've been hurting for quite a bit of time and just haven't known and then something like this can happen. So those are kind of like the first two ways that I go about it and when I'm asked or if I'm talking to someone about it. Shifting the death away from ourselves to the individual is one of the things that I recommend only because it is easy to take responsibility for someone else's actions and it is easy to wonder again what could we have done? You can always do something differently, but to what extent is it your responsibility to have done something differently? And the truth is, for my situation, I could have done something completely different in all the different scenarios and the outcome still could have been the same. And that's still hard to kind of wrap your head around. But when I was able to start shifting Sean's death away from it was something that happened to me and more to this person was in this much pain that this was what they ended up finding was their way to end their pain. For me, it created a bigger opportunity for compassion because it's not easy to get to that point and to have that immense amount of emotional and mental pain or physical pain. Whatever is going on, in my opinion, there's pain. Alexandra Wyman [00:10:19]: And an individual who gets to a point of contemplating suicide is that that's what they're seeing is the only way to end it at that point in time. Christopher Lewis [00:10:26]: So as you talked a lot right there about things that you had to do to be able to get through this. And I guess one question that comes to my mind is from an outsider perspective, when someone you know is going through this, not that person that has committed suicide, but the person that has been affected or the family that has been affected. From an outsider perspective, what are some things that others can do to best support those that have been primarily impacted? Not to say that everyone in that circle and the concentric circles are not being impacted in some way, but to offer that support, to be able to be there. Because like I said at the beginning, it's not an easy thing to talk about. Alexandra Wyman [00:11:15]: Very true. And that's such a hard question because I do think it's individualized. However, at the same time, I think what often happens is when we see someone who's hurting, we often look to that person to almost bring us comfort. So in my situation, I can say people are like, what can we do for you? How can we help? And it's this idea of, we can't fix it. We're watching someone hurt. And it's unbearable to watch someone in so much pain. And oftentimes what I need, you can't give me. I need him to walk through the door. Alexandra Wyman [00:11:45]: You can't do that for me. What I did find was helpful was when people would just reach out and say, I'm here for you when you're ready. And rather than leave it up to me to say, what do you need? I had people who are like, I'm going to bring you some food. I'm going to pick up your son and we're going to go. I'm going to offer babysitting for you. Just having that opportunity or that offer was very helpful. There are sometimes people are like, I'm coming over just to see how you're doing. That I found more helpful because in those moments of stress, it's so hard to make decisions, right? You're already making decisions, but you're still in shock. Alexandra Wyman [00:12:18]: There's so much that's going on emotionally and mentally and just trying to wrap your head around everything that is going on at once. And as I mentioned, my situation was not unique in the additional stuff that was going on and threats of legal action and having to figure out where we were going to live. I mean, all of these things that come up. And so just being there and also patient because I find and just like any type of loss or death, actually people are available in those first two to three weeks. What can we do? We're here for you. And then as the dust settles, most people go back to their lives. For me, it was the people who were still hanging around checking in on me after that who I found once I was out of my shock and actually had to start living again or trying to figure out how to live while also dealing with this massive amount of grief. Those people who would check in on me at that point in time were extremely helpful. Alexandra Wyman [00:13:10]: Again, just saying we're here for you was a good reminder to me of, oh, I can go ask for help. It's still hard to do, but to go ask for help and to reach out to those people and that's what I would say is it's almost like just being present for the individual and letting them know that you're there when they can handle having that relationship or figure out what exactly they need. Christopher Lewis [00:13:33]: So earlier you said that when this all happened with your husband that your son was one and that's pretty young and not everybody is going to have a young child. So your situation is probably going to be different than other situations as you've talked to others and worked through this with your own child and are probably still working through this with your own child. What are some of the things that you've learned about how best to talk to a child about this, whether it is their parent, a grandparent, or other family member or friend? What are some of the best ways in which you can help a child to work through this? Alexandra Wyman [00:14:16]: This is a great question and definitely still something I'm learning. My son asked about his dad about six months earlier than I was expecting. That was a nice Sunday morning and I went, okay, we're going to do this now. So from everything that I've heard read and also found in my own therapy is honesty really is the best policy. If we leave up too much and concrete honesty, that's age appropriate. If we leave too much ambiguity in what we're saying to the child, they're going to fill in the gaps. And I will say that I thought with my son that I was being really honest and concrete and have found I wasn't. So when I initially had the conversation with him, he was three and a half, and I said, Daddy chose to die. Alexandra Wyman [00:15:01]: He was in a lot of pain and didn't know how to ask for help. And a big thing that came up for me with this was I wanted to make sure that I was communicating to my son that if he was in pain to ask for help. And also to say if you scrape your knee and it hurts, you're not going to die. Pain does not equal death. So I tried to do that and thought I was very concrete and then actually have been working with a play therapist with my son to help with...
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From Divorce to Dedication: Dr. Youngbody's Journey as an Involved and Supportive Father
10/23/2023
From Divorce to Dedication: Dr. Youngbody's Journey as an Involved and Supportive Father
In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis introduces the show's mission of spotlighting resources and advice for dads to become the best fathers they can be, particularly in raising strong, independent daughters. He emphasizes the challenges and joys of raising daughters, underscoring the importance of knowing that you're not alone and there are resources available. The episode's guest, Justin, known online as , joins the conversation. They discuss Justin's experience as a father to his eleven-year-old daughter and his role in various types of relationships, including being a stepfather. Justin shares that he was excited when he found out he was going to have a daughter and emphasizes the uniqueness of each child. Justin talks about his biggest fear in parenting, which is wanting his daughter to be able to handle whatever life throws at her. He stresses the importance of preparing her to navigate life's challenges and reminding her that getting through difficult situations doesn't make her a bad person. The podcast explores the challenges of fatherhood, with Justin mentioning the difficulties he faced during his divorce, including not knowing when he would see his daughter next. He shares a valuable piece of advice from a friend about making interactions with his daughter enjoyable and positive. The conversation delves into their favorite shared activities, with laughter being a significant bonding factor between Justin and his daughter. They highlight the joy of sharing humorous moments together. Justin reflects on the term "girl dad" and what it means to him, emphasizing the importance of supporting and empowering his daughter to be herself. The episode also touches on Justin's daughter's interest in acting and modeling. He explains that from a young age, she showed a desire to entertain people and make them laugh. Justin and his ex-wife have supported her interests in the entertainment industry. The discussion then shifts to Justin's experience as a stepfather and the lessons he learned. He mentions the importance of letting go of ego and demands for respect, focusing on building a close relationship with the children and creating an atmosphere of trust and open communication. The episode concludes with a conversation about handling the challenges of divorce and maintaining relationships with children from previous marriages. Justin shares his struggle with losing contact with some of the children but emphasizes the importance of focusing on being the best father he can be for the child he still has in his life. Overall, the podcast highlights the complexities of fatherhood, the importance of strong parent-child relationships, and the continuous learning and growth that come with being a father. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week and as always, we are on a journey together. Raising daughters is a wonderful thing. It could be a challenging thing. There are so many ups and downs and sideways events and things that happen along the way as your child moves from phase to phase in her life. And it's important to know that you're not alone, that there are people around you that you can rely on, that people around you that you can learn from. And even if you're not willing to go next door and talk to that dad that's next door with their kids, we're here every week. And I love being able to talk with you, to be able to give you some perspectives, to allow for you to be able to meet other dads and other resources that are out there for you to be able to access and for you to be able to learn from. Christopher Lewis [00:01:21]: And you just have to be open to taking that all in. And I think that's important. That's such an important thing for every father to do. Not always an easy thing, never said this is going to be easy, but it is definitely something that if you're willing to do it and you're willing to put in the work, you're going to come out in the end being the best dad that you can be every week. I love being able to bring you different guests. Guests that have different experiences that have led them to be the father that they are or the resource that they represent. But this week we have another great guest with us. Justin is with us. Christopher Lewis [00:02:01]: Justin is known online as Dr. Youngbody. And we're going to be talking about Justin's experience being a father to an eleven year old daughter, but also his experience in different types of relationships where he had to be a stepparent or his child had a stepparent or another person in her life that became a pseudo stepparent, per se. And what he had to learn in that regard to be able to be not only a great dad to his own biological daughter, but a great dad to the other children in his life. Justin, thanks so much for being here today. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:02:42]: Hey, thanks for having me on. I do want to say one thing quick because I'm sure a lot of people, when they hear Dr. Youngbody, they're like, what the heck is that from? That was a nickname that my dad had for me when I was young. It's actually a reference to from Gilligan's Island. If you remember the show Gilligan's Island, there was a soap opera that I forget if it was Ginger or Marianne would watch on the show. And there was a character in the soap opera named the Good Dr. Youngbody, and that's where that's from. My dad's been calling me that since I was a young child, and I've just kind of ran with it, so to clear that up. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:03:17]: But yeah, thanks for having me. Christopher Lewis [00:03:19]: I love that and I appreciate you sharing that and making sure everybody understands. Not everybody's going to run to go check out and see if there's a clip on YouTube or something to that effect of Dr. Youngbody out there from Gilligan's Island. Now, I always love starting these conversations with an opportunity to turn the clock back in time. I mentioned that you have an eleven year old daughter. Let's go back in time to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:03:48]: I was so excited. You talk about the first moment in my head I'm imagining when they told me we were having a girl, and it was a very exciting moment. I wasn't one of those dads that's like, I better have a boy. I've been surrounded by women my whole life. I have three sisters sorry, two sisters, three siblings. I have one very younger brother, but I grew up with my two sisters, so I was very excited. I took the chance to really kind of sit there and soak it in like, oh my gosh, I'm going to have a daughter. And I really had no idea what that was going to entail. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:04:23]: My daughter's mother had two daughters of her own at the time, so I had some experience with some girls, but as all of parents out there know by now, every child is different. So there was no part of me that thought like, oh, well, this is how it is with these two girls. This is what it's going to be with her. Obviously, I knew this was going to be a very unique, one of a kind, individual little girl. So, yeah, I was very excited and obviously never looked back and never thought to myself, like, oh, I wish I had a boy, or anything like that. Christopher Lewis [00:04:56]: Now, I mentioned the fact that your daughter is eleven and you've had her in your life now for a number of years. As I talk to a lot of fathers, especially as they go through the different phases of their child's life, there are different fears, different things that they run into that they're like, what the heck, I don't know. And there's definitely some fears that go along with that. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:05:21]: Honestly, with my daughter, I just always want her to be able to handle whatever life throws at her, and it's a guarantee that life's going to throw some things at her, whether that's in her relationships with other people, her family members as she gets older and let's say people passing away, just all that. And I've always wanted to prepare her however I can, to be able to handle whatever that is and try to just remind her that whatever does happen, you have to find a way to get through it because whatever it is, it doesn't make you a bad person because you were able to get through a difficult situation. Obviously, people grieve and go through all their hardships in their own way, but you have to find a way to get through it because if you don't, it's going to be hard to get through life and be happy in life. That's kind of been my biggest fear, is an event or something happening to her, whatever that is, that she feels that she can't get through. I mean, obviously we all worry about physical harm to our children and that never stops. Whether it's like I can think of countless times when you're at a very busy park, oh, can we play hide and seek? Heck no. You know what I mean? And they get so upset and it's like, I will not let you leave my sight for one moment. So, I mean, those obvious fears. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:06:43]: But like I said, more than that. Just her feeling like she can't handle or get through something is my biggest fear. Christopher Lewis [00:06:50]: Now, you've had your daughter in your life for a number of years. What has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:06:58]: The hardest part? I would say with my daughter, there's none of that like unrelatable or me being a guy, her being a girl kind of problems. We have a very open and honest relationship when it comes to communication. She knows she can talk to me about anything and I'm not going to be upset with her. When you say raising a daughter, I hear raising my child because I haven't had to raise any other children, you know what I mean? I did have the stepson and the two stepdaughters, but I think that when you talk about the biggest challenge. Obviously for me, going through my divorce was tough and there were periods where I didn't get to see my daughter as frequently and at the time was very tough just not knowing how much time or when I was going to get to see her next. I wasn't in banking yet at that time, so my schedule was much more scattered. It was difficult until not only did I switch careers, but the divorce was finalized that now we're every other week. But at that time, it was difficult for me to keep my attitude and quote unquote, vibes high when I did get the time to either speak to or see. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:08:08]: You know, I did get a really good piece of advice from a really close friend of mine. His name is Ryan, and he told me that the best thing you can do. I'd get so frustrated when, let's say, my daughter didn't call me, or maybe I called her, but she seemed distracted. And it's like, hey, I need you to need me, but more so just in what he said was basically just to try to make whatever interactions you have or whatever conversations you have enjoyable, or they're not going to want to have those conversations. And it sounds obvious, but once I made that change and it did go a long way, not only in how our conversations went, but obviously she wanted to talk to me a lot more. And when you're concentrating on the things that your child did wrong, instead of just enjoying what's happening, that's not going to lead to more positive moments. And that was a difficult time for me. But when I made that kind of switch in the way I responded to those moments, it did go a long way. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:09:09]: And now I remind myself of that, but I don't really have to because it's kind of just ingrained in the way I interact with her, that whenever I'm able to interact with her. We're going to keep this positive. I'm so excited that I got to share this conversation or this event or whatever it is with you and much less like, why didn't you call me last night? Or things like that. Christopher Lewis [00:09:32]: With the fact that you're sharing custody, you're sharing opportunities to be able to spend time with your daughter when you do have her, what would you say is the favorite thing that you and your daughter enjoy sharing together? Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:09:49]: We laugh a lot together. I would say that's the number one thing, whether it's in the car on the way to drop her off at school or sitting down for a meal or sitting on the couch watching a show or playing our favorite video games together, it's just always the laughs that afterwards you remember. And it's always just like even just today I called my daughter and it was like, I had so much fun with you at dinner last night. Like, you were so funny. And that's when I know she's comfortable, I know she's happy, I know she feels safe, she's so funny. And that's, I think the moments I really enjoy and think about when she's not around is just laughing, hearing her laugh, her constantly making me laugh, because she is quite hilarious. She's quite the ham, if you know what I mean. Christopher Lewis [00:10:46]: Now. We met on Twitter. I noticed a tweet that you had put out where you were using the hashtag girl dad as a part of that for you. As you think about that hashtag, what does being a girl dad mean to you? Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:11:02]: I think the most important thing is just being open to whatever is about to come your way. Because I am not a girl, and obviously you want that to be whether it's a boy or girl. But having no clue what she's about to throw at me, whether it's what her new interest is, what is no longer her interest, all those things. I think that recognizing that we are here to support and empower our girls, I think that it isn't about being this strong dad, although sometimes that's required and necessary too. It's about building up your strong daughter so much more about them than it is about me being this I'm a dad now. Christopher Lewis [00:11:49]: One of the things you mentioned to me was that your daughter is an actress and that from very early on in age she has you and your ex wife worked to support her in the journey that she's been on to model and to act and to be not only her own person, but to develop a persona for herself in that world. Talk to me about that and how you both decided to encourage her, and then also help her to be able to do the thing that now she loves. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:12:24]: So when she was born, her siblings all had some experience with that as well. Her daughter's, three years older than her, has similar experience. She's been doing it since she was born. Her brother, who is 18 now, has plenty of experience, although they weren't nearly as interested in it. They were very good at it, but it wasn't something that they were like, oh, I want more of this. With Isabelle from immediately, it was something that she really wanted to be a part of. Obviously not only because her siblings were doing it, but it's something that her mom and I both did our whole lives. So I'm sure it has something to do with that. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:13:03]: But she just, from a very young age, has really enjoyed the attention of people and making people laugh and making sure people are entertained. She's always very aware of the people around her and how they're feeling, and she loves being part of what can make people feel better. And I think that's what motivates her. From an entertainment standpoint, it's not so much about the eyes on her, it's more about like she feels like she will make you feel better, which is almost always the case. She created this club at school last year where all the kids could create these clubs and then different students could join them. She created what was called the You Club, and what it meant was, this club's here for you. If you have a problem or you're going through something and you feel like you're alone, you come to our club and we're here for you. And that just says all you need to know about my daughter. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:14:02]: She's just always about kind of bringing the place together, making sure everyone's having a good time. Christopher Lewis [00:14:09]: One of the other things that I mentioned at the very beginning was the fact that along the road, you have been not only a father to your biological daughter, but you've been a stepfather to other kids with your ex wife who now have a girlfriend. That is being a stepparent in many ways, right, for your daughter as well. And I know you've had to go through some of your own learning when it came to balancing being a father to your child, a father to your ex wife's, children and beyond. Talk to me about some of that learning and what you had to do to be able to balance that but also understand what it took to be a good stepparent. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:14:58]: Well, I think from the early stages it's easy to be that extra friend. My situation raising my daughter'siblings was a little different in that I was raising them as a father, two of them anyway. But we won't get bogged down too hard in those details. But I think that early on it's easy to have this demand for respect kind of attitude, but that gets you nowhere is what I've kind of learned. And I did have to learn that the hard way. Like I said, it's a learning curve when you're parenting. And I think that the best thing I realized was when I saw or read this somewhere. But it really resonated and that's that your child wants to have the closest relationship with you more so than anyone ever that you've met in your entire life. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:15:49]: But it's up to you as a parent to allow that to happen. And the more we are consumed by our own issues because as children and as adults now we are all kind of a result of our parents issues, right? But the sooner we can let go of our issues and not make them our children's, the better. And usually that's that ego of yours that thinks that somehow you demand respect. And I think that the second I stopped having that attitude and realized that I'm not owed anything, children aren't asked to be brought in this world. And I think that the parents out there that have the attitude that their child owes them something at some point is kind of ridiculous to me. I think that as a parent, not only are we here to raise our children and hopefully give them the best opportunities, but that continues. That never ends. And I know there's different schools of thought out there and ways to but once I stopped thinking that I was owed something or was entitled to something, I started getting a lot more connection with the children and obviously now with my daughter too. Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:16:56]: I mean, the idea of punishing her is outrageous to me. I would never think of doing that. If she does something that wasn't good for her or wasn't good for someone else, we would talk about why and she would feel...
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From Coach to Dad: Bret Bielema's Perspective on Balancing Football and Fatherhood
10/16/2023
From Coach to Dad: Bret Bielema's Perspective on Balancing Football and Fatherhood
In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis welcomes special guest , the head football coach for the University of Illinois and a father of two daughters. The podcast focuses on helping dads be active and engaged participants in their daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Bret Bielema shares a heartwarming story about discovering he was going to be a father of a daughter. His wife surprised him with the news during a football season, using balloons and reveal cupcakes to announce the gender. The excitement of becoming a father overshadowed any fears or concerns. The conversation delves into the challenges of being a public figure while also safeguarding his daughters' privacy. Coach Bielema discusses how he strives to balance his demanding coaching career with being a present father, even if it means only seeing his daughters once a week during the season. As a football coach who mentors and molds young athletes, Bielema reflects on the parallels between his coaching role and his parenting role. He mentions the commonalities of dealing with loss and guiding young individuals through life's challenges, both on the field and at home. The episode explores the unique relationships that develop between a father and each of his daughters, emphasizing that every child is different and requires individualized attention and understanding. Coach Bielema shares a touching anecdote about his daughter's perception of his work schedule, highlighting the need for more quality time together. The conversation wraps up by discussing the significance of the "Girl Dad" hashtag, which represents the pride and joy fathers feel in raising strong, independent daughters. Coach Bielema expresses his deep appreciation for his daughters and how they have transformed his life, bringing unique perspectives and joy to his journey as a father. Overall, this episode of "Dads with Daughters" provides insights into the challenges and rewards of being a dedicated father, particularly in the context of a high-demand career like college football coaching. It emphasizes the importance of balancing work and family life while cherishing the unique bond between fathers and their daughters. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Hey everyone, this is Chris and welcome to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week I love being able to walk with you and talk with you about the things that you and I both can do. To be able to be the best dads that we can be. To be able to be present and active in our daughters lives, helping them, as I said, to be those strong, independent women that we want them to be in life. To get there. Christopher Lewis [00:00:50]: To do that, we have to have support, we have to be able to learn from other dads. And every week I love being able to bring you different dads that are doing fatherhood in a little bit different way. And every week we get to learn something new, we get to go on this journey together. And today we got another great guest with us. Bret Bielema is with us, you might know that name. Bret is the head football coach for the University of Illinois, and he's been at a number of different places, been around for just a little bit of time in the football scene. And I was really excited to be able to reach out and to get him to be willing to come on and talk about his own journey in being a father of two girls. Bret, thanks so much for being here today. Bret Bielema [00:01:36]: Hey, Chris, great to be on. I'm excited to be here. Christopher Lewis [00:01:38]: Well, I'm really excited to have you on as well. I think first and foremost, one of the things that I love to do, I want to turn the clock back in time. I want to go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Bret Bielema [00:01:51]: My wife had surprised me, even just the announcement I found out during the season and I came home one night and she was acting a little silly and then she had a bunch of balloons out, but they were multicolored. Right. I didn't even know it's my first time going through this. I thought you knew right away. Right. She's like, no, we're having a baby, we don't know what it's going to be. So we went through that whole process and then my wife has a little bit of a sweet tooth, so we had reveal cupcakes. It was just going to be her and I just with the way my schedule was in season, I didn't know exactly what I could do or how we're going to do it. Bret Bielema [00:02:21]: So we had a cupcake reveal where she bit into a cupcake and we found out the inside was pink. And I really hadn't, in my mind formulated any opinion. I just was so excited to be a dad. And then, funny story, the second one after Briella was born and Brexley was on her way, of course we didn't know and we hired a photographer and Briella revealed Brexley. She came in, she was either going to be dressed in the pink or a blue outfit and she came strutting in in the pink. And I'll never forget grabing her and reacts to my wife. So it's been pretty two awesome memories. Christopher Lewis [00:02:53]: When I talk to dads, I talked to a lot of different dads over the years about fatherhood and about raising daughters. And sometimes there's some fear that goes along with that, some fear that goes into not only being a father, but being a father to a daughter. What's been your biggest fear in raising daughters? Bret Bielema [00:03:09]: I think a little bit just because of the nature of my beast of a business I'm in. You have a lot of people that obviously love and respect and what you do, but because of that, you bring along some things that aren't great, right? And people love to hate. So my wife and I make a pretty diligent effort to kind of guard them from those moments, especially as they get a little bit older and they're not on social media yet. But I've been very apprehensive about what's coming. I've always taken a lot of mental notes. I started my fatherhood journey a little bit later in life. I didn't have my oldest Riella until I was 47 years old, so I got to watch a lot of experiences from my former coaches, friends, buddies. I naturally have gravitated more to buddies now that have had daughters only, right? So get some advice, but really just the unknown and then protecting them from really themselves, right? Like my oldest, she's always just a little bit more advanced. Bret Bielema [00:03:57]: And so my little one, when my oldest didn't have to wear floaties in the pool anymore, she couldn't comprehend why she couldn't go without floaties as well. And I'm like, well, you'll be sitting on the bottom of the pool here in a minute if I don't hold on to you. Right? So there's the battle of just help and protect from each other. That's kind of one that's a lot of fun to navigate as well. Christopher Lewis [00:04:13]: Now you live a very public life and especially in the role that you're in and the type of things that you do in your coaching. Like you said, there are people that love, there are people that hate. And as you said, you and your wife are doing what you can to guard your daughters from that. Talk to me about that balance of the public life, the private life, and being able to find that balance for yourself as a father. How do you do that and be able to not only safeguard your daughters, but also allow for them to go on this journey with you in the sport that you love and that you are a part of. Bret Bielema [00:04:54]: I would say Chris first. It's a daily learning lesson. By no means have I got it figured out. I give an incredible amount of credit to my wife. Jen is absolutely, if there's a phrase, girl mom, she's incredible at it. Like, she just constantly takes care of nurtures, builds, develops, molds, takes care of everything from A to Z. There's times where I literally see my girls maybe once a week during the in season. I usually get home on Thursday night. Bret Bielema [00:05:18]: I try to pick them up from school on Thursdays, and then I don't usually see them until Sunday morning, and I'm usually out the door before 09:00 A.m., and I don't see them again till Thursday. So it's a pretty long stretch. But I would tell you that one of the things that I've really enjoyed, especially as now they're getting a little bit older, is they didn't know why or what or who I was. Right? Once in a while, I would see that dad's on TV. And then a big moment for me was two springs ago, I would pick my daughter up from school, and we're walking out, and just on that short walk from her classroom to the car, I probably had 1520 people say, hey, Coach, how are you doing, Coach? Nice to see you, Coach. Great job, Coach. And I got in the car, and my daughter said, why does everybody call you Coach? And I said, well, that's what Daddy does, right? When I go to work, you know where I go, what I do? And she goes, yeah, but that's what they call you at work. Why do they call you that in my school? I said, well, that's kind of what I've known to them. Bret Bielema [00:06:09]: The same people that see me at work, see me in your school, and the things that they do. And she's always kind of trying to process it. I was on media day here just a couple of months ago, and I said hi to Briella when I was on live TV, and she got a special kick out of that. So there's a lot of know, we safeguard the negatives, but it's definitely a work in progress. Christopher Lewis [00:06:27]: So, as you just said, you are a have you've had all of these players that you have molded. You have mentored, you have worked with throughout their lives, and that takes a specific skill set. And in many ways, you are mentoring and you're guiding, and you're molding, and you're helping your daughters, and that takes a specific skill set. Talk to me about the intersection and the interplay between what you do on a daily basis as a coach in your work and what you're doing at home with your daughters. Bret Bielema [00:07:00]: For right now, there's such a discrepancy in ages that your sets of problems are completely different, but they're also very common, right? Last year, unfortunately, during the season, I lost my mother. For us to go through that as a family, unfortunately, soon thereafter, my wife lost her father, who was one of my best friends. So there was a lot of loss. Right. And to help young kids deal with that and understand it still to this day, almost eight, nine months later is hard for them. But on the same reflection, there's several times over the last 15 years as a head coach, 30 years in this profession where I've had to deal with loss in the young men's lives that I work with, there's some commonalities there that are easy to bridge the gap, but there's also some differences. I would tell you what's been kind of awesome for me is the way that my players have reacted and interacted with my kids, right? Like, early on in my career, my coaches didn't even I was a single coach, wasn't even married. And when I got married, I took that first step, and then when I had my first child, right. Bret Bielema [00:07:55]: To see the evolution of how that's changed my thinking and my outlook on life, but to see our players interact with my girls, they were out of practice the other day. They were yelling my name up from the balcony, and the kids were like, Coach, you better get up there. Right. It's just fun to see the interaction in the cross section again. I give my wife a lot of credit. She kind of gives me a little bit of a heads up on what's coming at us and what can happen. But I try to live as vicariously I can through the moments I get. And then sometimes the moments I get are only through phone or FaceTime or videos. Bret Bielema [00:08:26]: But they're worth everything for me that. Christopher Lewis [00:08:28]: In that long fall that you have sometimes going into the spring as well, and into January and February. As you said, you may not see your kids only once a week, except for on video or through other means. With two daughters at two different ages, talk to me about how you develop those special relationships, those unique relationships with each of them, with the different needs that they have. Bret Bielema [00:08:56]: You know, Chris, it's a great one, and I'm definitely I got to figure it out, and I'm getting better every day. My wife, again, does a really good job of kind of helping me work through these moments when they can. But a case in point came for us. As coaches, we often don't get to do the things that everybody else gets to do, but when we get a certain amount of time, I know my calendar when I'm going to be available and be a little bit more present physically in front of them. So June is a really busy month for us, so we're getting ready to have a window. The last week of June 1, two to three weeks of July, where I was going to be around literally every day. I was going to try to be involved in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, for about a three week window. And I've told this story a couple times. Bret Bielema [00:09:35]: My youngest daughter, Brexley, she was upset I was getting ready to leave on the last weekend before it kind of really became a serious vacation time. And I said, hey, next week Daddy's going to be around. I'll be with you in the morning, I'll be able to take you to school, I'll be able to swim with you in the afternoon when you get home, I'll be able to swim with you at night. I'll put you to bed every night. And she looked at me, and she, well, are you going to live here? And I looked at her, and I'm like, Brex, I always live here. I leave before you get up. I get home and you're sleeping. I see you on the video, I give you a kiss on your forehead while you're sleeping. Bret Bielema [00:10:08]: And she goes, well, you don't live here. I said, yeah, I do live here. Where do you think I live? And she said, you live at work. And it just literally took my heart out of my chest right that moment. That's how she sees me, right? And we've done a lot to combat that and say and be present as much as I can, but literally, over the last several months, if I could steal even a 45 minutes window to go pick them up from school like every other dad gets to do, to grab them, to hug them, to bring them home is pretty awesome. It's kind of funny. The teachers, they know when I come in, it's not that often, right? And a lot of times I'll get a little emotional because I haven't seen them, and I think they know how special those moments can be, and that's probably what I look for more than anything. Christopher Lewis [00:10:56]: I can definitely see that, and especially in a role like you're in, where you're having to put 110% into the players and into the sport itself, and having your mind at that work. Twenty four, seven. To be able to be successful is hard when you're trying to then have to split that or split be able to show your kids and help your kids understand what that means and why that means that you have to be away. And there's other dads that are like that, too, but I can definitely see that and commend you for recognizing it and being able to do what you can to work on it, because it's. Bret Bielema [00:11:38]: Not an easy know, I think the part that's been awesome for me now, too, is they love coming to work. If Jen can bring me a coffee and they get to sit in my meeting room or my office for a half hour and draw markers on my board or whatever it is. Daddy, can I go to work? Can I go to work with you? And then they love being around my players. And then for me especially, I've got a lot of younger coaches on my staff with young kids. And we had a scrimmage two Saturdays ago that they had Mario Brothers showing in the stadium up on the big screen, and we got a little room set aside, and all of my coaches were able to bring their young children, and it was a madhouse for about two and a half hours. I don't think they watched too much of the movie. But to see the interaction of our kids that have a lot of the same things, right. Just like my coaches and I live through it, their kids and their families live through it as well. Bret Bielema [00:12:26]: So we do have some commonalities there that make it a little bit easier to do. Christopher Lewis [00:12:29]: Now, you and I got connected through your wife. Thank you to your wife for connecting us. And it really was because I saw something that you had put out there, and you used the hashtag girl dad. The hashtag's been out there for a little bit of time. It originally goes back to some of the things with Kobe Bryant and his daughter, and it's still out there, and people are claiming it and being proud of it for you. What does being a girl dad mean? Bret Bielema [00:12:57]: It's more than I could probably put into words or sentences. Ironically, I grew up a football coach, really never played basketball as a wrestler, but I had the great pleasure when I was with the New England Patriots. Bill Belchick flew in Kobe for a day to meet with our team, and I really didn't know him, but I was involved in what his schedule was and where he was while he was doing it. And I heard him talk to our team, and ironically, one of our players asked him about taking a helicopter to work. Right. And he made reference to, as crazy as this sounds, that the reason he takes a helicopter to work is to be a normal dad, because what he does every day is he would drive his kids to school, drop his kids off, and then drive to the helicopter. That helicopter enabled him to fly in a shorter amount of time to practice and fly back. And then he could, like every other dad, pick up his kids and drive them home from school. Bret Bielema [00:13:46]: And to know how that story ended right. And to know the process of why he had a helicopter was to become a normal dad just blows my mind. And it always kind of has a full circle when I see that hashtag girl dad. And then for me, I'm around young men all the time. I got 120 guys on our roster. I hire a staff that's probably 85, 95% men, and so I think the Lord has blessed me with two beautiful young women in addition to my wife. I go home every night to three women that have really, truly changed my life, that nobody else could have ever done. Like no one else could do that but them. Bret Bielema [00:14:20]: So it's pretty awesome in that regards. And it's funny how it just kind of keeps popping up. My chief of staff, who's been with me forever as a head coach, he's been with me all 15 years. Head coach, he's a dad, two girls. We had our defensive coordinator, Aaron Henry, who just got married about a year and a half ago, literally just gave birth to two twin girls. He didn't give birth, his wife did to two twin girls. And Aaron played for me. I met him when he's 16 years old. Bret Bielema [00:14:42]: He's 32 years old...
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The Strong Dad Protocol: Raising Daughters with Hotep
10/09/2023
The Strong Dad Protocol: Raising Daughters with Hotep
Welcome back to another episode of Dads with Daughters! Today, we have a special guest joining us, Hotep, who will be sharing his insights on the Strong Dad Protocol. As always, we're here to guide you on your journey of being an engaged and active father to your daughters. In this episode, Hotep opens up about his experience of finding out he was going to be a father to a daughter and the joy and excitement it brought him. We also explore the special bond between fathers and daughters and the fears that come with raising strong, independent young women. So, grab a beverage and get ready to dive into the world of fatherhood on Dads with Daughters. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! Transcript Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, I say this, but it's true. You and I are on a journey together and every week we have an amazing opportunity to be able to learn and grow as it comes to how we can help to raise our daughters and be active participants in their lives. And we do that every week by talking to other dads because we can learn so much from the other fathers around us sometimes we're not always the best at asking for help or not always the best at reaching out and talking to even that dad that's next door. So this is an easy way for you to be able to learn from other dads from all across the world that are raising their daughters in different ways and giving you some tools for that toolbox that you have. To help you to be able to put some things in place that will help you to be engaged, be active, and be in your daughter's lives throughout their entire lives. This week we got another great guest. Hotep is with us today. And if you've not met Hotep before, you're going to meet him today. But Hotep has been talking about something called the Strong dad protocol. We're going to be talking about that, but first and foremost, we always have to talk about being a dad. But first, Hotep, thanks so much for being here today. Hotep [00:01:46]: Thank you. Christopher Lewis [00:01:47]: It is a pleasure having you here today. I love being able to meet new dads, and one of the things that I love doing first and foremost is turning the clock back in time. Wouldn't it be great if we could just do that sometimes? But I would love to turn the clock back in time to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Hotep [00:02:08]: Well, my wife and I were we had just finished converting a van. I worked all summer on a van, from everything mechanical up to the inside. I created an entire space inside of this minivan, built everything myself and came home one day and my wife said, I'm pregnant. And first thing, I was extremely excited. And then the second thing I thought was, all right, how do I make this van capable of holding three of us instead of two of us? Which never ended up happening. But I held on begrudgingly for about two and a half, three months before giving it up entirely and deciding to set root. So I was really thinking about how my life was about to change. And I was pretty sure, well, I knew in my heart I was going to have a daughter because I've always wanted a daughter. Ever since I was young, I've been preparing myself to have a daughter since the day that I knew I wanted to be a father. And I was just deciding at this point, I just want to manifest the best person I can be for her. Christopher Lewis [00:03:13]: You just said that you always knew you wanted to be a father to a daughter. What was it about being a father to a daughter that resonated with you and made you, in your mind, say, I want to be a father to a daughter? Hotep [00:03:26]: To be honest, I don't know. I watched my dad with my half sister. I don't even know if that impacted me as much. I think perhaps it was just when I was really young, I knew that I wanted to be a dad, and my thought was, well, let me pick out the names that I would name my future child. And it was always girl names. I was always thinking of having a daughter. I never really even considered having a son, to be honest. It just felt like a really natural thing. I feel like some men, their life experience requires that they have a son because there's a lot that they need to learn in that aspect. And I think that other men don't struggle in that way, and it's a daughter that they need because it's a level of nurturing or softness that they lack in their life that's meant for them. I really feel like it's all divine based on who you are as a person. Christopher Lewis [00:04:15]: Talked to a lot of dads, and many of the dads tell me that in stepping into not only being a father but a father to a daughter, there's some fear, there's some fear to raising daughters. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Hotep [00:04:32]: Letting her go, knowing that one day I'll have to send her out into the world to fly. I come from a family of very strong minded and successful and intelligent women, so I feel like the hardest part will be when she starts to assert her own will more than she can right now at this stage. I think that's going to be that's the part I fear. But I do realize that that is the natural progression of things. So it'll come and I'll accept it, but I don't want it to come. I put in my application for her to stay the same age forever, so I'm just waiting for them to give me a call back, let me know if I was approved. Christopher Lewis [00:05:11]: I think you're going to be waiting for a while. Yeah, I completely hear you there. I just dropped my own daughter off at college, and this is my oldest and talk about having to let her fly. It is definitely a challenge it's definitely hard for us drive away and drive away about 12 hours away to leave her and to let her fly. And you do whatever you can to prepare your daughters to be ready for that point. And I think we have prepared her well, but it's still not easy. And I think any parent would say that no matter if you're a father to a son or a daughter, leaving them when they go off, whether it's to college, whether it's into the military, whether it's whatever post high school, that's the first step and the first kind of the wings. You give them to fly, and you let them fly. But it's not easy. It's definitely not easy. Hotep [00:06:08]: It's not. And now that I actually think about it, I think that the term mama's boy and daddy's girl. I always wanted a child that I love my mom, and I always noticed that boys really are attached to their moms, and daughters are attached to their dads. And so I think maybe that's why I wanted a daughter, because I wanted to be integral in a completely different way. That relationship I idolized my mother and my mother and my grandfather who passed. Their relationship was very special, and I. Christopher Lewis [00:06:35]: Think maybe that's why now, your daughter is still young, but you've had some definite experiences with her, and you'll have many experiences as she grows. What's been your most memorable experience that you've had thus far as a father but also as a father to your daughter? Hotep [00:06:49]: I mean, right now, seeing her for the first time is the most memorable experience that I can really because every other experience is just trumped by the next day. Every time she learns something new, it's like a step up. Every day, I'm like, It can't get better than this. It can't get better than this. And in a little way, it does. But when I think about walking down the hallway with her into the next room and just looking at her little eyes as she was staring at everything, I think that was an amazing moment because it was like, it's here my life completely. It's not the same life anymore after that, and it's not your life in the way that it was before either. It's our life. So I feel like that moment will probably stick out for a long time until she does something crazy. Christopher Lewis [00:07:38]: Inevitably, there will be those times where you'll have something crazy happen, and you'll be like, what the heck? How do I respond to this? And you'd have to just let it roll off your back and just keep moving forward, and it's just another phase and another day of parenting, and you have to learn from it as well. Now, I first learned about you through a tweet that you put out there. You were talking about being a girl dad, and I love that. What does being a girl dad mean to you? Hotep [00:08:06]: Being a girl dad to me is what it truly means to set an example for how a woman should be treated. I feel like because I am the father to a girl, it propels me to be a better husband to my wife and just a better example of a man in general. And I look at the philosophies of my mother, my grandmother, the women in my family, and they were very much formed around the type of men in our family. And they always had a saying for the type of men in our family, for their work ethic and such. And so I feel like I always want to be a better man than I am. I always want to progress as much as I can. And I feel like being a girl dad is the best opportunity to because it's not just about you being the best example of a man. It's about setting a standard that she will have for the rest of her life. She's going to match every man up to you. If you did your job right, if you did your job to the best of your ability, she's going to compare them all to you. And I really feel like that just makes me want to be better every day. So that's definitely what being a girl dad is about. It's about self improvement. Christopher Lewis [00:09:17]: Talking about self improvement over the last few months, you've been really jumping into putting out a lot of different videos on YouTube. And it's about what you call the strong dad protocol. And I love what you say here. You say that what's this about? It's about promoting the wellness on men from the perspective of husbands and fathers. Being a strong dad is a mindset that reaches beyond the body. We seek to influence other men to seek the path of purpose as husbands, fathers, teachers, or living examples of stoic and strong men. This is not manospheric content. This is the strong dad protocol. Talk to me more about this. What made you create this? What is it about? And what pushes you forward to really want to create more, to help more fathers? Hotep [00:10:14]: I decided to create the strong dad protocol a few months before Father's Day. And it was mainly because I saw that it became a popular thing to teach men, to teach young boys how to be men. And what I was noticing is that it was coming from a lot of men who were single, childless, not married, had a lot of bad relationships. And to me, it was deafening. Trying to speak against them, trying to say, no, this is not how men are, this is how they are. And so I decided that the best way to combat the rise in popularity of that form of male based content was to just speak from the perspective of being a father and being a husband and providing an alternate space where men can understand. It's one thing to hear like this is how you should act when you approach women, and this is how you want to raise your children from someone who doesn't have any of those. But when you hear advice from fathers, there's a lot more wisdom attached to it. And there's like a growing wisdom too. It's not like I know everything. This is how it is. It really is more of a humble way of progressing. And that to me, is that was the driving purpose. I decided I would do the Strong dad protocol and I would bring people along as I grew and as I learned lessons as a man myself. And that's kind of the answer to both of those. And I mean, what propels me is being a father, being a husband. Every time I learn something new, I realize that the template is never solidified for men and that it always is evolving and advancing. And so it keeps me wanting to stay on top of this so that people can see. There's a saying by Amenhotep Akhenaten that essentially what it means is that a wise man, he doubts himself more than he is sure of himself. And that is where his progression is. And so when you see fools, they know everything. They're obstinate. You can't change their mind. And I felt like this manosphere thing was run by a bunch of fools. And I wanted to show that there are better men out there, that there are better examples of men out there, that you can be masculine and not be offensive or not be a host of the other things that they tie masculinity itself to. Because becoming more masculine saved my life. But when you say that, it's so unpopular to say that because people view it through the quote unquote toxic lens. And I wanted to say, well, no, masculinity is healthy for men, and it's because you're hearing it from these people that you don't understand it. So I decided to just do my own thing instead of reacting to them and trying to fight against their tide. I just created my own wave. And then, of course, Father's Day came around and the Hotep community that we're part of decided we would do Strong Dad June. And so I said, well, every day of the month of June, I will speak on an aspect of fatherhood and of being a man that should be learned, that should be taught. And it took life from there. Christopher Lewis [00:13:49]: When you talk about the Hotep community, talk to me about what that means to you, because I do know that hotep is a word that comes it's an Egyptian word, and I know that. But how do you define it for yourself and how do you embody that within yourself? Hotep [00:14:07]: I define it as it was delivered. I think that over the years, they've turned hotep into a derogatory thing. And a lot of people who are violent in thought and the way that they treat others, especially women, took that word and it became their moniker. But it's not their moniker. It's just they lack understanding. And so for me, finding Hotep was really about finding know. I derived my understanding of Hotep from Patahotep Akhenaten, Marcus Aurelius, all of these people, these are Hotep men. When you listen to Marcus Aurelius or you read his work, he talks about being a man in an upright manner, an upstanding manner. You don't go out of your way to bring others down. You're there to bring others up around you. And so all of those aspects are Hotep. And so I derived it from that. I said, well, this is how I view Hotep as it was delivered to us, and I try to embody it in that sense. The community that I'm a part of, the Hotep Nation community really has expanded. There's hotels of many different colors. And really it's about teaching how to be good in a society where being the opposite is promoted more, where being negative is promoted more. You're taught to raise a family. You're taught to educate yourself continuously, to be the best teacher by being the best student. You're taught to put your health before many other things and try to bring others up in that way, trying to lead your community. When you are embracing Hotep, you are embracing the best aspects of leadership that you possibly can. And in order to embrace that, you have to learn to live up to it. And so being Hotep is a constant. You wake up and it's a new day to be better than you were. It's a new day to employ a new understanding. And every time you fall, the community itself is there to uplift you, bring you back up and put you back on the right path. So that's what Hotep is to me. Whereas to others, it can be perceived as a male centered thing, but it really isn't. I mean, if you understand where Hotep comes from, then you recognize very much that the woman is the most sacred individual within the space of Hotep. And so it's really about men being better for this sacred woman in many aspects that's at least how know not interpreted it. Like I said, how it's delivered is how I interpret it, whereas others, they interpret it and put their own template on it. To each his own. But this is the pathway that I've chosen. Christopher Lewis [00:16:57]: I appreciate you sharing that. Now, I know in a number of the videos that you've created, you focus on a lot of things in regards to not only being a man, but you also talk about fitness and nutrition and taking care of yourself so you can then take care of your family as well. And especially as we get older, sometimes we fall off I'm going to say we fall off the wagon of the fitness wagon, per se, and we lose that routine, especially if we have had a routine. Sometimes we don't even have a routine. If someone has been off that fitness wagon for a bit and definitely wants to get back on it and find ways to be able to incorporate that back into their daily life, are there things that you would encourage them to do to at least move in the right direction? Hotep [00:17:44]: Yes. Temporary motivation to do something, it never is enough. So really it's about when people get motivated, they start and they go all in to it and that's where you end up falling off, because motivation disappears after the first day or two. After that, it's gone. So my suggestion is always pick little things that you can be disciplined in and start off small. So if you're someone who struggles more with the diet than actually exercising, pick two or three practices in your diet that you can change and become disciplined in doing just those two or three things. And then it'll kind of start rolling forward. You'll pick up some momentum from there and then being motivated from your own discipline is kind of different because it pushes you towards finding more areas where you can achieve that discipline. So if you're someone who struggles getting started in the gym, I always say just start by waking up and doing some sort of exercise. If you can wake up and do 20 push ups a day, ten squats a day, something really small and over time you will recognize the benefit and the need to do more. Even like, let's say some people, they have their free time, they sit at home, they relax and they watch TV. Do something during the commercials or while you're sitting there watching TV, get down on the floor and just watch your favorite show while you do some squats. And something that you can employ easily first is usually the best way because not everybody has the ability to just jump head in and do it. It sounds easier than it is. And I recognize that for myself, I was incarcerated and I was pretty active before and I was going to the gym before, but just enough. And so you get in there and you're kind of just pushed right into exercising a lot by the older guys there. So for me, it's easy to just jump headlong into something to eat the same thing for months on end. But for others it's not that easy because there's so much variety in life and things drawing away your attention. So that's why I say doing something small and working your way up from there. If you get a gym membership, go for just one day a week and that one day should...
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Capturing Memories: A Conversation with Tyler Ranalla on Fatherhood and Photography
10/02/2023
Capturing Memories: A Conversation with Tyler Ranalla on Fatherhood and Photography
Welcome back to another episode of Dads with Daughters, the podcast that highlights the challenges and joys of being a father to strong and independent women. Today, we have a special guest joining us all the way from the West Coast. , a talented photographer and father of three (with one on the way), shares his insights on fatherhood and the unique experiences he has had raising his daughters. In this episode, Tyler opens up about his initial fears and insecurities upon discovering he would be a father to a daughter, and how he overcame those doubts. He also discusses the unexpected differences he encountered in parenting his son compared to his daughters, and how he and his wife navigated through these challenges together. Tune in as Tyler shares his most memorable experiences as a father and offers valuable advice on being the best dad you can be. Join us on this inspiring journey of fatherhood on Dads with Daughters. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! Transcript Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources. And more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Hey, everyone, this is Chris, and welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week. I love being able to sit down with you and to be able to talk with you, to be able to walk on this journey with you, maybe sit next to you as we go along this journey and be able to talk about what it takes to be an amazing dad and what it takes to be able to raise our daughters, to be the strong, independent women that we want them to be in their lives. And to do that, we can't do it alone. We have to have people around us. We have to be able to learn from other people. We have to be willing to put ourselves out there and know when we don't know everything, because none of us know everything. Let's be honest. There's no playbook for being the amazing father that you want to be, but you can get there. And you can get there on the backs of many other dads that have gone before you or that are going through it with you as well. So every week, I love being able to talk with different dads, to listen to their experiences, to learn from their experiences. And to be honest, no matter where you are in that parenting journey, you're still going to be able to learn. If you have kids that are infants, if you have kids that are in their teenage years, in their college years, or even if they're adults, you never stop being a father. You're always going to be a father, and you can learn from other fathers along the way. So this week, we got another great guest with us. Tyler Ranalla is with us today, and Tyler is a photographer out on the West Coast. I'm in Michigan. He's out on the west coast. And we're going to talk a little bit about photography and capturing memories and capturing those special moments. But first and foremost, we have to really talk about Tyler being a dad because he's a father of three with one on the way. So he's going to be a father of four coming up here not too long, and I'm really excited to have him here. Tyler, thanks so much for being here today. Tyler Ranalla [00:02:27]: I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. Christopher Lewis [00:02:29]: My pleasure having you here today. And first and foremost, what I would love to do is I want to turn the clock back in time and I want to go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head. Tyler Ranalla [00:02:41]: Okay, so I didn't find out the gender until she was born. So the first moment that I saw she was a little girl, I think I was the first person in the hospital room to see it. And that very first moment, I got pretty scared because I didn't know what it meant to raise a girl. I didn't know what that experience was like. And so my first instinct, rather than pure excitement, was actually a bit of fear of like, am I going to be good enough for this? Christopher Lewis [00:03:08]: Let's talk about that fear because I've heard that from other dads as well. And they're definitely not only is there fear of just being a father in general, because unless you have really strong role models and you have the experience of having other kids in your life, and even if you have that, it doesn't prepare you completely to be a father. So as you had your first daughter, what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Tyler Ranalla [00:03:33]: Yeah, I think it was just that I didn't have the right tools to be able to support her, her journey, because I didn't know what that was like. But that went away pretty quickly, I think, too. Just like Daddy's little girl, where it always protects. But yeah, biggest fear, I think, is just a normal fear. I think most people's fear in every aspect of their life was just, am I enough to deal with this? Do I have enough? Am I enough? Now? Christopher Lewis [00:03:56]: I know before we even started recording today, one of the things we talked about was the fact that you do have three kids. Now you have two daughters and a son. And one of the things that you mentioned to me was that you found that it was more difficult for you to father your son than it was to father your daughters. Talk to me about that. Tyler Ranalla [00:04:19]: Yeah. So once that fear kind of subsided, and then I just got to just relish in this beautiful little girl, I'm sure, some other fears for me. I was 19 when she was born, so I'm sure there were some other little fears about going on around that, too. But the biggest difference from having for me personally, from my daughter to my son, my second born as a boy, was as he got older. I found I had less patience for my son than my daughter. And I think it was something around like, my little girl, she can do no wrong. And that's why I thought it was for a while, it took me a bit to understand that I had more fears over raising a boy because I am one man now, my son would say. And I projected a lot more of my fears of what it means to fit in a society onto my son. And so because I had more fears, I was also more reactive and less patient because I felt I needed to correct things sooner. I've worked on that since, but I definitely was surprised at how more reactive I was at the very beginning. And my wife was the exact opposite. She had all the patients in the world for our son, but was a little bit more reactive with our daughter. And so we saw that pattern, and we had talked to other parents about it and saw that pattern as well. And it was, believe it's, projecting your own fears from your own experiences onto the kid that may have the same experience as you. Christopher Lewis [00:05:41]: How did you and your wife talk through that and be able to process it enough that you were able to start making changes and you may still be making changes that you're putting into place now so that that pattern doesn't continue. Tyler Ranalla [00:05:57]: I mean, first up with everything is awareness. So we had to eventually admit but we noticed it in each other. We noticed the not lack of patience. There wasn't void of patience. It was just one kid got more patience than the other. We noticed the differences and called them out to each other. Probably not so kindly at first, trying to be the protector even. And man, I don't even know how we switched into realizing that it was from projecting our own fears onto them. I think we just talked through it over, like, a while and then just started to consider maybe if it wasn't something wrong with our kids and it was something that we were going through, what that thing was. As we slowly unpacked it, we just eventually I don't even know how we got to that exact conclusion, but realized that it was something that we were dealing with. And if I really think back, I think we looked at it's always easier to notice other people, right? I've heard someone say, like, if you don't brush your teeth for three days, you won't know, but everyone in the room will know, but your nose is located right above your mouth. And like, how is that possible? And the idea with that is it's really hard to recognize what we're doing, but really easy to recognize it in other people. And we actually, I think, started recognizing it in people around us more first. And then we started to be like, wait, are we doing that too? Christopher Lewis [00:07:16]: Now, I mentioned you have three kids, you have two daughters, and in their lives, you definitely have had different moments, different experiences, different things that are going to make it unique and make the experiences unique. What's been the most memorable experience that you've been able to share thus far with your daughters? Tyler Ranalla [00:07:33]: Most favorite one? I don't even really know why was my wife and I went down to we live in Northern California. We went down to Southern California and there's this church, glass church that's located in town called Palace Verdes that's beautiful, called Wayfair's Chapel. And it was right down the street from where my wife's grandma lived. She's passed now, but we were visiting there and it's right near the ocean. And I was, I think, taking some video for fun with the memories. And my daughter started just like she just appeared over this hill and was just running towards me screaming, it's like Daddy. And there was something about it that was so pure and so simple, so beautiful, and it was her running to me. That's the specific part of the memory. It wasn't even like when she actually got into my arms, it was just the memory of her running to me and just being so thrilled to see me. She's eleven now, so that would never happen right now, but at the time maybe she was five or six or so. Yeah, that's one of my favorite memories to date. Christopher Lewis [00:08:46]: As I said, when you have multiple kids, each one is unique. And as a father, you have to be able to have those unique experiences with them to keep not only special time and special relationships with each of them, but also be able to not completely separate them out in regards to favoritism and things like that. What would you say is your favorite thing or is the favorite thing that you like to do with each of your daughters? Tyler Ranalla [00:09:14]: Oh, this is eleven, youngest is a year and a half, so they're very different now. And I think it's important to note too that if you have siblings, I have sibling. And even though we had the same parents, we had very, very different upbringings. And sometimes siblings as adults struggle with that reality and who our parents were at different times were different. So even though we had the same parents, not really, because they were different people. And so who I am now for my daughter, who's Nora, who's a year and a half, is very different than who I was for my oldest, Aria, and she was a year and a half. But now I think the underlying thing always my favorite thing is just to be in their presence. It doesn't necessarily matter what I'm doing with them, especially now with my eleven year old, because we don't necessarily enjoy the same things. I don't think she knows what she enjoys yet. It's more just actually being in the presence. I think that lights me up more than anything or I'm just really there, right? My full mind, body and spirit is there. I'm not somewhere else, I'm not thinking about work, I'm not thinking about this other thing. I'm just completely and fully there. Christopher Lewis [00:10:19]: Talk to me about that balance because you just talked about sometimes you have to be there, you have to be disconnected from other things but be present for your children. And you're busy, you're a busy person, you've got a lot going on. I know that even us being able to schedule this, you have a lot going on. So talk to me about balance and what you have to do to be able to balance work, fatherhood, being a husband, being a son, all the different hats that you have to wear. How do you balance that so that you can remain engaged and present for your children? Tyler Ranalla [00:10:57]: I know there's so many different polarizing views on balance, right? Some people say it's possible. I don't think of balance in terms of a certain amount of time here, a certain amount of time there. I think of balance as more like if you visualize somebody standing on a board that's on top of a ball and you're trying to balance, and the best way to do that is to be really present. The more present you can become, the more focused you can become on that exact moment, the more balanced you can be on that board. Same thing with the kids. So it's really to me, balance is the ability to be present no matter where you are at, right? So when you're at work, you're fully at work. When you are with the kids, you're fully with the kids, whatever it is. And that's really hard. That's really difficult. I think that's what people monks go spend years learning how to do. So I don't seek balance as much in terms of time. I do try to be extremely available for them. Like, my work schedule is not. I try to follow the school schedule, right? Like eight to three. I want to be available afterwards for whatever is needed. That's not always the case. So I definitely try to build a life where I don't work as much, so I can be in their presence more. But if I did that and then when I was with them, I was thinking about work instead, then it defeated their purpose. So what that schedule looks like is different for everybody. But I think the idea of presence is what can run true for everybody. Christopher Lewis [00:12:19]: Something that came out a few years ago was the term girl dad and became very popular. Started seeing it in a lot of social media. People claiming to be girl dads and saying that with pride. What does being a girl dad mean to you? Tyler Ranalla [00:12:37]: Interesting, because having both girls and a boy, I feel like the better I've become as a dad, the more I've let go of girl dad or boy dad. Like, it's just dad. I think that the issues come from when I try to put them into a box, if that makes sense. I think the things that matter to me is dad would be like protector. I want to make sure that they know the door to my home is always open for them. Never closed and never will be. Whereas I've seen some parents treat their girls and their boys differently in that regard. Maybe they could be harsher with the boys. I'm like, no, you have to be provider. I don't feel that way. Personally, I think a father is about that door always being open, and it's almost maybe that simple in how I see my role. Christopher Lewis [00:13:18]: Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you're a photographer and you even talked about in the experience that you had down in Southern California, taking that video to capture those memories. And I think sometimes there's questions about how to best capture those memories. And we have a lot of things at our fingertips. We've got our phones, and we've got some people do have more expensive cameras, but sometimes it's just trying to figure out what's the best way to be able to capture those memories while still staying present and not feeling like you have to be trying to capture that right moment at the same time when you're dealing with your family. So if for someone that is looking to get better at taking pictures or capturing video or doing things like that, what are some of the first steps that you would recommend to someone to be able to capture those moments and capture those memories that they can then have for their entire lives? Tyler Ranalla [00:14:21]: Best way to capture memories is actually also the best way to be a dad going back to the presence. So I'll explain this in a few ways. The first thing is we all have multiple masks. We have masks we wear as husbands, masks we wear as dads, workers, business owners, whatever. We all these different masks that we wear right throughout life. And we mainly specialized in weddings. And weddings are really interesting because during that day, the couple, they're putting on every mask that they've ever put on in their whole life. Like in one day, right, they might have their first grade teacher there, their parents, grandparents, college friends, the whole spectrum of who they've become through this lifetime. They have to take those masks on. Roth seeing everybody in their life, and that's a really, I think, strange experience for a lot of people. And as a photographer, I was always looking for the moment where they weren't wearing masks anymore. And it always only happened once or twice. And it was like this moment where it was like they were just truly them. It was an image that even when they are older and maybe in their eighty s and ninety s and wrinkly and just look different, like their grandkids could look at that image and be like, oh yeah, that's grandpa. Oh, that's grandma. There's a video of my grandmother who's passed eleven years ago actually, and there's a video of her when she was like in her it's like so purely her. She's like sliding across ice in some northern state or in Canada they were visiting, and it was just a street that was iced over and she was just like running and sliding across and it was like such a youthful energy. And that was what I remembered about her, was even when she was much older. And so as a photographer, I'm always looking for that moment where somebody is really truly themselves. The masks are gone and we want to give our kids that permission to really be themselves and not who we think they are. So in capturing memories, I think people are going to get stuck if they're trying to get a specific memory, this moment, they're like attached to an outcome, they're probably going to not get the best memory possible. So you want to facilitate the space for your kids, just be, just exist and just be themselves. And you want to capture image when they're so in their own zone that they're maybe not fully aware that you're there in a way or that the camera is there. And if you can just get that extremely genuine image, that's going to be something that you'll hold on to, that'll be your favorite memory forever. So you just have to kind of create the space to allow them to be fully present with themselves. Really. Christopher Lewis [00:16:51]: I love that. And I think that that's not easy. As you said, you'll go to a wedding and you'll only find two of those moments in the entire time. And I think people get impatient, especially as they're trying to capture and they think they have to find the perfect moment or stage the perfect moment or be able to do something to capture it. And what I'm hearing you say is, no, the perfect moment shouldn't be staged. It should just happen. And I think that what the hard part for me is hearing that is how do you find it? What do you have to do to be able to find it and capture it? Tyler Ranalla [00:17:32]: I guess that's a trick. You can't find it. You have to let it find you. Christopher Lewis [00:17:34]: Maybe that is definitely the hard part. And being patient enough to being willing to just let...
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