Dads With Daughters
Dads with Daughters strives to create a supportive online community that highlights promising practices for fathers to better understand themselves and their daughters while encouraging and helping fathers be active participants in their daughters lives raising them to be strong independent women.
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Embracing Emotion: Fatherhood Journeys with Demetrius and Quentarious Jones
07/22/2024
Embracing Emotion: Fatherhood Journeys with Demetrius and Quentarious Jones
Parenting, particularly fatherhood, is a journey laden with challenges, emotions, and an unwavering sense of responsibility. In the latest episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, I welcome and Demetrius Roe Jones of the we delve deep into the nuances of raising daughters. They offer listeners not only their personal experiences but also invaluable advice on how fathers can maintain strong, emotional connections with their daughters while growing themselves. Fostering Emotional Connections One of the primary themes discussed in this episode is the importance of fathers understanding and connecting with their daughters' emotions. Both Quentarious and Demetrius opened up about the challenges they faced in expressing vulnerability, stemming from their own upbringings. They emphasize that showing emotion isn't a weakness but a strength that fosters deeper connections with their daughters. Quentarious reflected, "Embracing and expressing my emotions has been a journey not just for my well-being, but for the emotional health of my daughters." This insight aligns with Dr. Lewis's message — that fathers should be consistent and willing to show vulnerability. Embracing this openness allows daughters to feel understood, supported, and emotionally secure. The Challenge of Understanding Emotions Raising daughters brings unique emotional challenges. Quentarious and Demetrius highlighted their initial fears and concerns upon learning they were going to be fathers. The fear of not being able to protect their daughters, especially from emotional pain, weighed heavily on them. Demetrius shared his struggle with showing vulnerability, rooted in a strict upbringing. He realized that breaking this cycle was essential for his relationship with his daughters. He mentioned, "I grew up thinking that showing emotion was for the weak. But, understanding that being open and vulnerable is okay has been a revelation. It's something I want my daughters to see and learn." These experiences underline the importance for fathers to better understand emotions, both their own and their daughters'. It's about breaking down societal norms that equate masculinity with stoicism and instead fostering an environment where emotional expression is encouraged and valued. The Role of Fathers: More Than Just Providers Another critical point discussed was the perception of fathers as mere providers. The hosts argue that fatherhood goes beyond financial support; it encompasses being an emotional pillar, a mentor, and a steadfast presence in their children's lives. Dr. Lewis pointed out, "Being a father isn't just about providing; it's about being present and emotionally available. Our daughters need to see that we care, that we're here for them, not just in good times but through adversity too." This paradigm shift from provider to an emotionally available guardian is vital. Fathers who engage with their daughters' emotional worlds help build their daughters' confidence and emotional resilience. Not Showing Favoritism Throughout their conversation, the topic of not showing favoritism among children was underscored. Both Quentarious and Demetrius spoke about the delicate balance needed to treat each child fairly. Quentarious noted, "It's important that our daughters feel valued and equally loved. Favoritism can create rifts that last a lifetime." Avoiding favoritism involves understanding and appreciating each child's unique personality, needs, and emotions. This approach not only fosters individual growth but also strengthens familial bonds. Faith and Leadership: Core Elements As fathers and hosts of the "Not Your Average Girl Dad" podcast, Quentarious and Demetrius frequently discuss the intersection of fatherhood, faith, and leadership. Their podcast was born from regular conversations about life, music, and their roles as fathers, husbands, and leaders within their communities. Discussing faith, they highlighted its role in navigating tough times. The duo believes that faith offers a foundation and a guiding light for fathers. "Having faith and finding joy in difficult situations is essential," emphasized Quentarious. Their goal is to inspire other fathers by sharing principles they've learned and lived by. They hope that emphasizing faith and family in their podcast will resonate with their listeners. The latest episode of "Dads with Daughters" is a treasure trove of wisdom for fathers navigating the complex landscape of raising daughters. As Quentarious, Demetrius, and Dr. Lewis share their stories and advice, one message stands clear: Fatherhood is an evolving journey that requires openness, emotional availability, and a commitment to learning. Whether it's through fostering emotional connections, challenging societal norms, or drawing strength from faith, fathers play a pivotal role in shaping their daughters' lives. The insights shared in this episode serve as a reminder of the profound impact that an emotionally present, understanding, and faithful father can have. Fathers, you're not alone on this journey — reach out, connect, and continue growing. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to be here with you, to be able to talk with you, to work with you, to help you on this journey that you're on. And I say help, but really you're helping me too because by having this show, I have the opportunity to have amazing guests here, and I learn from them just as much as I'm hoping that you learn from them as well. And that's what it's all about. It you know, what's so important is that you and I know that we don't have to do this alone. Because so often in society today, we have this feeling that to be that amazing dad, you gotta you gotta man up. You gotta just push forward. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:02]: You gotta do it and gotta know everything the moment your child's born. And the answer is you really don't, because you're not gonna know everything the moment your child is born. You're gonna fail many times, and that's okay. But you've got so many men around you that are fathers too and have done this. And if you're willing to let down your guard a little bit, we could use the v word right now. I've used it before. If You're willing to be a little vulnerable in saying, hey. I don't get this, or I don't got this. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:33]: And you're willing to talk to some other dads around you, you're gonna learn a lot. And that's why why this show exists is to to be here, to be that resource for you, to let you be able to connect with other dads that have different experiences. And that's why every week we have different guests that we bring on to share their own experiences. And today we got 2 more great dads with us today. Demetrius Jones and Quinterius Jones are both with us today. They are both fathers of daughters. Demetrius has 3 daughters. Quinterius has 2 daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:04]: So we got a lot of daughters in the house, and and we're gonna be talking about the journeys that they have been on. And, also, we're gonna talk about a podcast that they do together called not your average girl dad podcast. So we're gonna be talking about that as well. So I'm really excited to have them here, guys. Thanks so much for being here today. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:02:20]: Thanks for having us. Quentarious Jones [00:02:23]: Yeah. Thank you for having us, Chris. We really appreciate it. Very exciting. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]: So I wanna turn the clock back in time on both of you because you have daughters. And, Demetrius, you've got 3. Quentarius, you've got 2. So I wanna turn back the clock all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through both your heads? Demetrius Roe Jones [00:02:43]: Well, I'll start first. When I found out I was going to be a dad, I was excited, actually. Because long story short, the doctor said we won't be able to have any kids. So my first child was literally my miracle child and we named her miracle. So I was excited. I was a little nervous, but I remember when it was getting closer and closer for the first time in a long time, I got butterfly in my stuff. I was excited. Yeah. Quentarious Jones [00:03:09]: I would say the same. It was one of those things where I knew I always wanted kids. And my first thought was, okay, we're gonna have a son. I was like, I wanna have a son first girl, then another son. So I, at first I wanted 3 kids and to find out that, okay, we're having a girl. It was shocking. I was like, Hey, you know, you always have that, that 50, 50, but I was like, wow, okay, we're having a girl. So I was like, this is gonna be pretty cool. Quentarious Jones [00:03:30]: One of the strangest things, and I kinda shared this on one of our episodes is that I actually had a dream about Kalani before she was born. So I didn't know her name was gonna be Kalani at the time, but I had a dream about her and she turned out to be the same little girl in my dream. And I just thought that was, wow. That's that was pretty cool, but it was an exciting time for us. It gave me a sense of real responsibility really quick. So it's been a joy being a girl dad. Been a joy. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:04]: So one of the things that I think that I was gonna that I am kind of interested in knowing, and this is something that I talk to a lot of dads about, is that when I talk to dads about being dads with daughters, a lot of times they talk about that there is a fear to being a dad to a daughter. What would you say were both of your biggest fears in raising daughters? Demetrius Roe Jones [00:04:24]: My biggest fear is that I can't protect them at all times. I am so over protect them. It's like the smallest little thing. And it's like, what do you mean I have to go without me? What do you mean? Like, she was like, my wife was like, you know, you're a bitch. You have to go back to work. I was like, well, I'm taking them with me, you know? So it's just the fear of not being able to protect them all the time, but I just have to trust that God's watching over them and that he can protect them in ways that I can't. So that's my biggest fear. Quentarious Jones [00:04:53]: I think I share a similar fear, but I would say more so just knowing that, and I'm kind of biased, of course, because I'm their dad, but just knowing that one day, hopefully, they will get married and just hoping that that guy can be anywhere close to what I provide for my daughters from a spiritual level, from a financial level, from a mental level. It's just being able to support them in a way that I know that I can and investing in them to be strong young women in the society that we live in. And so just hoping that they find someone that sees them as the jewels that they are. And so my fear would be is them not finding that someone and being maybe manipulated into or settling for something that I know that they can have more of or have a better situation with someone. So just hoping that they find someone that can that can bring that to the table. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:52]: Now fatherhood is never easy. It has its ups, its downs, and in betweens. And we were talking before about that about when they're young and they don't sleep and you barely keep your eyes open. So what's been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter thus far? Quentarious Jones [00:06:09]: I'm gonna say the endless emotion. The spectrum of emotions. And because for me growing up, I haven't always been, and I can admit that I haven't always been, that in tune with my emotions. So having daughters has definitely opened me up to feeling more or being more in tune with my feelings. And learning that with them, everything matters is always something. And sometimes where they may whine about things that in my mind, I'm like, I don't think there's anything to whine about, but taking the time to sit down with them and really understand them as where they where they are. My wife helped me see this one time when we were, going through a situation with my oldest daughter when she was going to school, and she was having a tough time adjusting to starting school for the 1st few months. And we had a rough time getting up in the morning on the way to school, a lot of crying, a lot of I don't wanna go. Quentarious Jones [00:07:07]: And my wife helped me see, even though I know they're human, she just told me, she's like, hey, Quinn. You just gotta think. She's a human just like you're human. Some days you're gonna have tough days. You're gonna have rough days. And her way of expressing it may be a little bit different from you because you're older and you kinda understand that you're not gonna cry about everything, but her way of expressing herself is through her tears. And so that helped me gain a little bit more patience with my daughters. And so I think that's the biggest challenge is just learning that they're humans just like we are. Quentarious Jones [00:07:40]: They're just smaller humans, and they have their mood. They have their feelings and just learning to navigate them so that you can help meet them where they are and get the best out of the situation. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:07:51]: I would say trying to figure out each one of their many personalities. I have 3 beautiful girls and they have 3 totally different personalities. My oldest child, she's real pretty and I don't want to touch that. That's dirty and things of that nature. My middle child, she's kinda like tomboyish, like love playing in the dirt. And then my youngest is just bossy. You know, she's just like, I want it now. Give it to me. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:08:21]: And so it's just trying to figure them all out. And another thing, vulnerable, having a vulnerable moment is try not to show favoritism. Treating them all the same. I'm not gonna lie. It's hard at times because especially with my certain one, I could have my first, you know, that's your first. That's your priority. But you have to treat all of them the same. If one is no, all is no. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:08:45]: If one is yes, all is there. You get 1 piece of candy, gotta give all of them piece of candy. And so that's been the biggest challenge to me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:53]: Well, then I'll tell you both. I mean, things don't change that much as they get older, and you're gonna have to keep being consistent as parents. You're going to have to keep working day in and day out to figure out the personalities and the emotions get even worse as they get into their teenage years. So you definitely have to kind of ride the wave and be willing to ride the wave. You know, one one of my past guests said this, and I've said this numerous times with different guests. And in a conversation that I had had with with a author, she said to me that one of the things that dads need to think about, especially dads with daughters need to think about, is the fact that so many of us as men are programmed innately to be fixers. So we go into situations always with the mentality of how can I fix this? And our daughters and our partners in life don't always want us to fix things. And you at times need to go into the conversations, especially with your daughters with the concept of asking your daughters when you're sitting down with them, is this a fixing conversation? Or is this a listening conversation? And let them decide. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:07]: And that was a moment. And it was I got it later in life, and I wish that I had got it earlier in life because I think that I would have incorporated that earlier because I had incorporated it when I found out about it. In my daughter's teenage years, they probably would have looked at me like I was an alien. And that they would have been like, stop using your psychobabble on me, dad. But if you have a younger daughter, that is a definite. Think about using that because it is something that I think will make a huge difference in how you communicate with the females in your life. I'm not just saying your daughters. I'm saying the females in your life. Quentarious Jones [00:10:45]: And I think that's good because I kinda learned that with my wife. And now that you're saying that I never really looked at it that way for my daughters in the same way. So I can definitely take that advice because I I do that a lot with my wife. It's like, hey. I have to ask. I pause because I know I I wanna fix it. I'm that type of person, and I kinda just have the personality that I always wanna help someone because I always wanna I'm always in the state of, hey, how can I help you? How can I get you out of this rut? And so for her, sometimes it's just, I don't really wanna be out of the rut right now. I just kinda wanna blow off steam. Quentarious Jones [00:11:21]: And so I I use that with my with my wife, but I never thought of using it with my 2 daughters. So that's great advice. Great advice. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:11:29]: I think the same thing. I never thought about it with my daughters. I've have had to learn to let my wife vent and let her just get it off her chest. Because you know what me, I'm like, I'm just like, what's the purpose of it? And if you still got the problem, I want the solution, but I realized that why is maybe a little different. So I say, okay, man. And then if you want me to ask, I had learned, they'll ask. Oh, you want my answer? Okay. So I get my solution there. Demetrius Roe Jones [00:11:52]: So I've that is good. I never thought about to actually apply that with my daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:56]: Now, Contreras, you meant you made the comment that one of the things you had to really work on yourself was to kinda let down your guard a bit, be a bit more vulnerable, and let out your emotions more because that's not something that comes easy for you. So talk to me about what you had to do to move in that direction because you're not the only guy that has had that issue or has that issue. But what did you have to do to start moving down that path? Quentarious Jones [00:12:25]: I think step number 1 was first kinda just looking in the mirror and saying, this isn't healthy for you. It's not healthy for you to bottle up your emotions and not express yourself when you feel certain emotions because something that I learned in life is that God gives us emotions. And so it's not about trying to suppress the emotions all the time. It's about learning how to navigate the emotions and express them in the proper way. And so that's one of the things that I first had to come to grips with is, hey. This isn't healthy for you, and it's not gonna be good for your daughters if you're not fully engaged or with your emotions in a way to where you can properly understand them, navigate them, and then help them because they're gonna have emotions. And as they're navigating through life as they're growing, they they wanna know, okay. So how when I feel this way, if I'm angry, how to not, okay, hit someone when I'm angry or when I'm happy, how to be happy and to express being happy, like, with my smile, with my joy. Quentarious Jones [00:13:26]: I, you know, I wanna express these things in a proper way. And so that was one way. The first thing that I had to do was just come to grips with myself to say, hey. We wanna be healthy. And then and then using that, just it kinda sounds weird, but practicing it with my family. Right? So practicing that every single day, being intentional about when I feel a...
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Healing Fatherhood: David Peralta on Love, Emotional Openness, and Raising Strong Daughters
07/15/2024
Healing Fatherhood: David Peralta on Love, Emotional Openness, and Raising Strong Daughters
Fatherhood is often described by many as a profound journey filled with love, challenges, and personal growth. In this week's episode we speak with David Peralta, father, entrepreneurial coach and founder of to discuss the transformative experience of raising strong, empowered daughters. This episode delves deep into the essence of fatherhood, exploring themes such as emotional healing, the importance of presence, and the power of unconditional love. The Initial Reaction: Finding Purpose in Fatherhood When David Peralta first learned he would become a father to a daughter, the news had a profound emotional impact on him. This newfound responsibility and bond created a sense of purpose that reshaped his life's trajectory. Peralta's immediate reaction reflects a common sentiment among fathers—a mixture of excitement, fear, and overwhelming love. Fatherhood: A Journey Rooted in Love Peralta describes fatherhood with one powerful word: "love." This simple yet profound definition encapsulates the essence of his approach to parenting. For him, the ultimate goal of fatherhood is to foster an environment where love is the foundation. His daughter views him as loving, humorous, and occasionally irritable—an honest testament to the multifaceted nature of parenting. Personal Growth and Healing: Unpacking Emotional Baggage We delve into the necessity of personal growth in fatherhood. Peralta reflects on how his unresolved trauma initially impacted his parenting style and family dynamics. It created a cycle of conflict and violence that, unbeknownst to him, mirrored his internal struggles. Through therapy, he began to confront and process buried emotions, particularly anger, which proved to be a monumental task. This journey towards emotional healing has been transformative for Peralta, enabling him to become a more present, understanding, and compassionate father. He emphasizes that this emotional openness is essential for cultivating a loving relationship with his children. Communication: The Path to Understanding and Connection One of the most significant themes discussed in the podcast is the impact of open communication within the family. David Peralta highlights that actively listening and providing a supportive space without trying to "fix" problems can profoundly enhance the father-daughter relationship. He began to embody emotional openness, choosing to participate in his daughter’s emotional world rather than dictate solutions. The Influence of Role Models: A Father's Inspiring Presence Peralta draws inspiration from his own father's unconditional love and calm demeanor. This role model has motivated him to strive for continuous personal growth and better parenting. The admiration and lessons derived from his father underscore the value of positive role models in shaping one's approach to fatherhood. Embracing Unconditional Love and Acceptance According to Peralta, true success in fatherhood stems from embodying the states we want to be in, such as love, compassion, and balance. These qualities are essential for fostering personal growth and creating an environment where daughters can thrive. He advises fathers to clear any obstacles that hinder these states to achieve balance and success. Recognizing and Addressing Internal Conflicts Peralta provides insightful advice for fathers to recognize that many conflicts may originate within themselves. By addressing their own internal struggles, fathers can transform their approach to relationships, leading to healthier and more fulfilling connections with their daughters. This self-awareness and emotional literacy are critical components of effective parenting. The Continuous Journey of Personal Growth Dr. Christopher Lewis reminds listeners that personal growth is an ongoing journey. Both he and Peralta acknowledge that fatherhood presents continuous opportunities for learning and transformation. The key is to remain open to growth and seek support when necessary, which ultimately benefits both the father and the daughter. The podcast episode concludes with a call to action for fathers to embrace emotional healing, open communication, and unconditional love in their parenting journey. David Peralta's story serves as a powerful reminder of the transformative power of love and presence in fatherhood. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:15]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, every week, I love being able to sit down with you, talk with you, and walk with you on this journey that you're on in raising those amazing daughters that you're raising and helping them to be the strong, independent women that we always talk about. And to get there, we definitely do not have to do this alone. And the show is here to help you to see that, to be able to understand that experience that and to know that there are so many other people that are walking on this path alongside you that you can reach out to. Or if you're a little shy, you don't have to reach out. You can listen and you can learn and be willing to learn along the way because none of us know everything about fatherhood. We walk into fatherhood a lot of times not knowing much at all. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:18]: At least that was my experience. And you have to learn along the way. And society does not always champion being vulnerable in that way and putting yourself out there to say, I don't know, but you're going to be a better father when you do. So it is so important to be able to do that. And that's why every week I love being able to bring you different people, different guests, different individuals with different experiences that can share the journey that they've been on to be able to help you in your own journey. And you can take you can pick and choose the things that you hear to be able to find those things that will work for you because not everything that's going to be shared is going to work for you. But there are many things that can work for you if you put them into place. Today, we got another great guest with us today. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:09]: David Peralta is with us today. And David is a father of a daughter. We're going to talk about that in his own journey as being a dad. He's also in charge of the soul centered founder. We're gonna talk about balance in life and and trying to find that holistic balance and what that looks like as a individual, what that looks like in your personal life or professional life, and how you can incorporate some of these different principles into the work that you're doing as a father as well. David, thanks so much for being here today. David Peralta [00:02:40]: Thanks so much for having me, Christopher. It's a pleasure to be here. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:42]: It is my pleasure having you here today. And one of the things that I love doing, 1st and foremost, is I love having the power to turn back time. So I wanna go all the way back. I wanna go back to first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? David Peralta [00:02:55]: Well, so a lot was going on. My, my wife and I, we had gotten married 4 months prior. We had met just 4 months before that. It was very clear from the moment that we met that we had found the person that we were willing to commit to for the rest of our life, but we were not expecting to get pregnant so soon. And so when she took that pregnancy test because she missed her cycle, we were not expecting the result, but I'll never forget the moment I saw that us sign. I felt this incredible energy enter me that I knew this is the energy of the father. This is the divine fatherhood energy. Suddenly, I felt connected to it in a way that I did not know was possible. David Peralta [00:03:39]: And I felt that this was gonna be the the start of a brand new chapter in my life, and it was this profound love that I felt for this being that was now just starting to grow inside of my wife. So it was really, an incredible blend of emotion, of profound love, of a sense of purpose and destiny, and that was just the start. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:58]: I love that. And I think each of us have that different feeling as we're moving forward. Some of us are scared out of our minds. Some of us are elated, and a lot of us are a mixture of the 2. So and then as you move forward and you get closer to that due date and then you have a heavier child, then there's a whole different set of feelings that happens that come into place. Now I talk to a lot of dads, a lot of dads that are that have gone through different phases, stages within their own fatherhood. As you think about raising your daughter, and I know your daughter's 12 now, as you think back to these years that you've been with her, what's been your biggest fear in raising a daughter in today's society? David Peralta [00:04:40]: I've never thought about it that way in terms of my biggest fear. Well, so I have to put that a little bit differently. Yeah? Because, it's not it's not a fear that I've had in terms of raising her. It was the darkness that I had to face inside of myself that I didn't know I was gonna have to face. Yeah? The darkness that she brought up as just bringing her light into this world brought up this side of my self that I did not know was there. And so it wasn't so much a fear so much as it was the incredible challenge to have to meet that, discover that part of myself, and then learn how to overcome that part so that it wouldn't cause basically damage and destruction in in our relationship and in our life. This these unhealed wounded parts to myself that I didn't know I had been carrying. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:22]: Would you be willing to go a little deeper? David Peralta [00:05:24]: Oh, absolutely. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:25]: Talk to me a little bit about what that darkness was for you and what you had to overcome as you were dealing with that. David Peralta [00:05:32]: Yeah. Absolutely. So to go a little bit back, back to that moment, actually, when I discovered that I was father. In the moment prior to that, my wife and I had been arguing. And because we were freshly married, we weren't really sure where we were gonna be going. We were in Austria at that time with her family. Were we gonna be living in the US? What were we gonna be doing? Our plan was actually to go back to India where we had met, and we were studying meditation. And so this discovery of this pregnancy completely through our life up in the air, we had no idea what we were gonna do. David Peralta [00:06:01]: To provide some additional context, right, for what was going on when I found out that I was gonna be a father. And so while I felt this incredible love, my wife started crying because she wasn't sure what this life together was going to be like, and all this uncertainty that she was feeling, and also some conflict that was coming up in our relationship. And so that continued during the pregnancy as we continued to get to know each other. Basically, what we discovered was that we both had a lot of wounding from our childhood that we were bringing into the relationship. We were not aware of this at this point. The way that this manifested in our relationship was fighting, blaming. Anytime one of us hurt the other, it was really that wound being triggered in each of us, and the other one was simply the catalyst for that wounding for the trigger, excuse me, for the triggering of that wound, but we didn't realize that at that time. It took us over 10 years before we got to this point of realizing this. David Peralta [00:06:57]: So the point is this. We're arguing a lot during the pregnancy. We're fighting a lot during the pregnancy, and there's also a lot of love, but then this continues during our daughter's early years. My my wife has since so first of all, jump forward. We have reached an incredible point in our relationship, just so that people know we've gotten through the mud and we're back to this state of incredible profound love for each other. My wife ended up becoming a, a counselor for women, and during her studies what she discovered is that what happens during the pregnancy and what happens during infancy has a I mean, she didn't discover this. This is known, but we learned this together. It has a profound impact on the life of a child, that the emotions and the experiences that a child is exposed to while in the womb and any conflict and any stress that a child is exposed to in those early years, that affects how the brain is wired. David Peralta [00:07:49]: That affects the kind of stress response that a child is gonna have for the rest of its life. Right? They're gonna come into a world that rather than feeling safe and full of unconditional love, potentially they're gonna enter a world where they feel like there's lots of conflict, there's lots of anger, there's lots of all kinds of emotions that are overwhelming for a baby. So by the time my daughter reaches 3 years old, she's grown up in this environment. There's also love, but there's definitely not an absence of negativity. That was definitely there. And so, she starts to show this behavior in very challenging ways. In other words, she starts to act out. She starts to act out and show I'm feeling all these emotions. David Peralta [00:08:30]: They're uncomfortable for me. I cannot stand them. I can't stand all these feelings that I've been having, and so there's a lot of fighting. My wife and I are still unconscious at this time. We're still not picking this up, and so we believe that she's misbehaving. And me, in particular, I tend to get rigid in the face of that, and so I punish her even further, which just compounds the behavior because not only is she trying to express that she's uncomfortable with what she's feeling, but now I'm punishing her for it. And so it creates this spiral of conflict and eventually violence where she starts to get physically violent with us, and we still don't get it. I still don't get it until it climaxes when she's about 7 years old. David Peralta [00:09:15]: And we've gotten so helpless and so hopeless, and we don't know what to do, and we're dealing with so much stress as a result of these challenges that we're facing with her and with each other. And then that's when we realize that we need help. That's when we realize that the resources that we've got by ourselves are not enough. We didn't have proper examples in our relationships with our parents. We didn't have anybody telling us what to do. We didn't have anybody showing us, right, the way, and certainly nobody who said it was potentially going to be like this. And so as a result of this, my daughter was basically showing, you are carrying all this conflict inside of you. You have to deal with this conflict, and you need to stop projecting it onto me. David Peralta [00:10:01]: And so that was the start of a multi year process where we began to understand this and discover this and learn how to heal that conflict that we were carrying inside of ourselves. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:14]: Sounds like quite a journey and definitely something that is ongoing because you don't just heal right away. You don't just unveil what that trauma per se is. Because as you said, it was unconscious to you, that it was ingrained in your personality, ingrained in who you were, and you had to unpack all of that for yourself to be able to be that better parent that you wanted to be for your child. Now, and this might be that might have been the hardest part. But I guess one of the questions that I have is as you look back at the last 12 years for you, what's been the hardest part specifically of being a father to a daughter? David Peralta [00:10:57]: Yeah. So the hardest part was when I realized the hardest part was getting back in touch with my sensitivity. And what I mean by that is I now recognize that I was born super sensitive, very sensitive heart, very sensitive soul, and so easily overwhelmed by negative emotions, easily overwhelmed by pain. My parents both, you know, like many parents carrying their own unresolved wounds and trauma, you know, they were carrying this pain themselves, and so it was just too much for me as a child. And so the way that I survived that was by really shutting down parts of my heart, really shutting down my ability to feel emotion. And I didn't know that because I always saw myself as a very loving, caring person. But when I saw this anger start to come up, this was also part of the most difficult thing was I considered myself a very calm person my entire life, and it was only when my daughter really reached the peak of her behavior that I saw a level of anger and explosiveness come up in me that I did not know was in me, and it was scary for everybody. It was scary for her, it was scary for my wife, and it was scary for me. David Peralta [00:12:07]: And so that was one of the most challenging things, but even more challenging than that was once it started to become clear that this was the root of the issue, that this pain that I was carrying was the root of the conflict with my wife and with my daughter. When I first started therapy sessions, specifically somatic experiencing therapy, and I had to start feeling the emotions that I had kept buried for so long, that was hands down the most difficult thing that I had to do because I had, at that point, like, 37, 38 plus years of having just basically shut down to these feelings. And so I remember in the beginning, it was I almost couldn't do it. It was like I could just tap into it for a millisecond, and then I felt overwhelmed, and I felt like it was too much. But I knew I had to do it because I knew that this was the only way that I was gonna develop that loving relationship that I had always envisioned. I'd always imagined myself as being a loving father. And I knew that the only way to reach that vision that I'd had for myself for so long was to go through this pain. And that was the most difficult thing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:25]: So you went through this process for yourself, this process of unveiling this pain for yourself so that you could be that better father, this work that you put in, it's not always easy, it's going to definitely take time. How has it made you a better father in the end? David Peralta [00:13:41]: It hasn't just made me a better father. It has restored me to being a human being because I had not been a human being. I had been a functioning human. I had been a surviving human. I had been, I'm getting by human, but I had not been a human being. And what I mean by that is what I feel now is a human being is able to feel everything. A human being's heart is open to every experience, positive and negative, And and and that heart is able to hold all of those experiences and and gives us a profound sense of peace, a profound sense of contentment, a profound sense of of stillness. And so once I started to experience also, like, this joy of living, of just being alive, not not even accomplishment. David Peralta [00:14:34]: I didn't have to do anything to feel joy. I simply felt joyful once a certain level had been unblocked and uncovered. And so, of course, if I am radiating that, if I am embodying that, then that is what I am modeling for my children. And now, because I'm not carrying all of this pain that felt overwhelming, there is now space. There was never space for anybody else's feelings because I was already overwhelmed with what I was carrying. Anybody else's intense emotions? No. No space for...
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Father and Daughter Journeys: Insights from Judges Michael & Megan Cavanagh
07/08/2024
Father and Daughter Journeys: Insights from Judges Michael & Megan Cavanagh
Fatherhood is a profound journey marked by growth, challenges, and unwavering love. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, Michigan Supreme Court Judges andhis daughter, , a dynamic father-daughter duo, shared their insights on navigating fatherhood, fostering strong father-daughter relationships, and excelling in male-dominated fields. Let's delve into their engaging discussion and discover the wisdom they imparted. Michael Cavanagh: A Reflection on Responsibility Michael Cavanagh's journey into fatherhood was met with excitement and determination. However, he also faced the daunting task of raising daughters in a society dominated by male narratives. Through his experiences, he emphasizes the pivotal role of fathers in empowering their daughters and challenging societal norms. Michael's dedication to instilling values of resilience, respect, and determination in his children serves as a guiding light for fathers navigating similar paths. Megan Cavanagh: A Journey of Empowerment Megan Cavanagh's narrative reflects a tale of empowerment and resilience fostered by her father's unwavering support. Encouraged to pursue male-dominated fields such as engineering and law, Megan embodies the spirit of breaking barriers and embracing challenges. Her evolution from engineering to law and eventually appellate law showcases the importance of parental guidance in empowering daughters to follow their aspirations. Megan's story exemplifies the transformative power of parental support in shaping a daughter's journey to success. Navigating Male-Dominated Fields: Michael Cavanagh: Guiding Through Example Michael Cavanagh's concern over the lack of female representation in fields like law and patent law highlights the need for inclusivity and support in traditionally male-dominated areas. His emphasis on guiding daughters to pursue knowledge, seek information, and make informed decisions underscores the importance of cultivating a generation of empowered women. Michael's advocacy for encouraging daughters to study grammar and Latin intertwines with his core belief in the significance of expressing love and fostering a nurturing environment. Megan Cavanagh: Defying Expectations Megan Cavanagh's journey from initially pursuing a career in engineering to transitioning into law and politics showcases her defiance of societal expectations. With her father's unwavering support and guidance, Megan navigated through uncharted waters to establish a career path aligned with her passions. Her experience highlights the transformative impact of parental encouragement in breaking stereotypes and creating opportunities for daughters in traditionally male-dominated fields. Balancing Work and Family Life: The Evolution of Work-Life Balance Michael Cavanagh's reflection on the evolution of work-life balance, particularly in his role as a judge, highlights the transformative impact of technology on modern parenthood. His ability to balance work commitments with quality family time, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, underscores the importance of adaptability and resilience in nurturing familial bonds. Michael's insights shed light on the shifting landscape of parenthood and the significance of finding harmony between professional and personal spheres. Megan Cavanagh: A Testament to Resilience Megan Cavanagh's experience of pursuing a career in law and running for office underscores the complexities of balancing ambition with familial responsibilities. With her father's initial resistance and eventual support, Megan navigated through challenges to establish her presence in the legal and political spheres. Her journey epitomizes the spirit of resilience, determination, and familial support in overcoming obstacles and achieving personal and professional milestones. In an engaging dialogue filled with insights and wisdom, Michael and Megan Cavanagh shed light on the transformative power of fatherhood, the significance of parental guidance, and the essence of empowering daughters in male-dominated fields. Their stories serve as testaments to the enduring bond between fathers and daughters, the importance of breaking barriers, and the resilience required to navigate through life's challenges. As we embark on our own journeys of fatherhood and empowerment, let us draw inspiration from the experiences shared by Michael and Megan Cavanagh and strive to create a nurturing and inclusive world for the daughters of tomorrow. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to be back with you again this week and to talk with you about this journey that you're on in raising your daughters to be those strong, independent women that you want them to be in their lives. And every week, I love being able to sit down with you. You know I've got 2 daughters myself, so I learn from you. I learn from our guests, and I love being able to have them on to talk about the journey that they've been on to be able to help you and give you some things to pull from to help you in this journey as well. Every week I bring you different guests, different people from different walks of life, with different experiences, had to have gone through this before you or maybe going through it at the same time. And this week, we've got 2 great guests, a father and a daughter. We don't always get to do that, and I love it when we can. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:13]: But today, we've got Michael Kavanaugh or Judge Michael Kavanaugh, I should say, that that, it wait. Let me stop it. We have Judge Michael Kavanaugh, who is a retired judge of the Michigan Supreme Court, and his daughter, Judge Megan Kavanaugh, also of the Michigan Supreme Court. And first, what was really great about this was not only talking about this journey that they've been on, but also the fact that one of the interesting things was that Megan was the first child to have joined her parent as a member of the court since 18/57. So that's a pretty amazing feat in itself. So I love that we're able to have Michael and Meaghan both here today to talk about this journey that they're both on. Thank you both for being here today. Michael Cavanagh [00:01:56]: Good to be here. Megan Cavanagh [00:01:57]: Thank you for having us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:58]: It is my pleasure having you here today. And, Michael, I wanna start with you. I wanna go back in time. I wanna go all the way back, all the way back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Michael Cavanagh [00:02:10]: That was with Meghan's older sister. And reflecting on that, it was probably one of the brightest, most exciting moments of my life. It was our first child, and she was our first child. And she was born at 5 in the morning, and I remember leaving the hospital saying to myself, I'm gonna be the best dad in the world. I'm gonna take care of this child, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make life easier for I mean, I was really pumped. Then I got, of course, involved in my career. And truth be known, my wife took on the real heavy lifting in making the world great for our oldest child. We then had a son, and after, he arrived 2 or 4 years after that, our daughter Megan arrived. Michael Cavanagh [00:03:19]: And the feelings were very similar when all 3 arrived. But that first one was something special. It was alright, man. Now you're a dad, and you're gonna have to quit screwing around and get serious and make sure that you have the stamina and mental fortitude to succeed and achieve what you wanna do so you can make life easier for your daughter. I'm sure many fathers on their arrival of their first daughter shared similar feeling, but it was very euphoric. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:59]: So, Michael, one of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is that in having daughters, that there is some fear that goes along with them. You've had daughters and sons, so you can kind of relate to both experiences. What was your biggest fear in raising daughters in society today? Michael Cavanagh [00:04:14]: I guess a fear was that it was so male oriented, society was. And, you know, and this was only, what, it would have been in the, late 1960, almost 70. But dads were still the stereotypical bring home the bacon and do things like that and let mother do the child rearing. And when you're out there in the world as I was in particular in politics, I think you get a special appreciation of the current trends and moods, and I guess I just wanted and hope that she would be able, with our help, to find her way in a male dominated society. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:06]: And, Meaghan, when you hear that yeah. I mean, you've gone through your career. You've moved to into politics yourself. And as you heard your father just say, you know, he tried to do what he could to be able to help you and your sister to be able to maneuver through that male dominated society. And society's changed over the years. What do you feel that your dad did to prepare you for the road that you chose to be on in the world that you stepped into as you moved in and through your career? Megan Cavanagh [00:05:35]: Yeah. I think when he was describing that as a concern or a fear that he had, you know, the first thing that popped into my mind was when I was deciding to go to college and where and do blood and what I'm gonna do sort of thing and getting counsel and advice from my parents and figuring these sort of things out, He was actually probably one of the strongest urgers of me going into engineering, into what is at the time less so now, but at the time, a very male dominated profession. And so I think, like, recognizing that that was sort of a concern is that he didn't pass that, to me as a reason to be cautious about it or not consider it or hold back from that or what have you. Instead, it was do this. And in fact, the fact that there aren't that many or there weren't that many women in engineering is something that you should sort of capitalize on and embrace. And it's really interesting because I I have a 17 year almost 18 year old daughter who is going in the same process and is looking at engineering. And so as we're going through looking at all these different things, I just saw the field that she's looking at or the department that she's looking at and wanting to go to at the University of Michigan in engineering is 57% female student body, which is which is really amazing. But, yes, I think what he did was, obviously, he was aware of it and it was something he thought of and a concern, but he didn't pass on that concern to me. Megan Cavanagh [00:07:08]: And he didn't suggest to me that that was a reason to be cautious about doing it. As far as going into the legal profession and then into politics or running for election. Again, that was much later. I was I ran for office in 2018, a much different, you know, time than the late eighties when I went to college. But I think that the landscape had changed a lot. It wasn't, you know, as far as women in the profession of being lawyers and being judges. We currently, on the Supreme Court, have a female majority on the court. There's 4 out of the 7 of us are women, and we're not the first. Megan Cavanagh [00:07:47]: I think we're the 4th female majority on on court. So so I think that was that's sort of the the takeaway for me was that it was the recognition that he had that it was a male it was male dominated or concern wasn't a reason to sort of make him hesitate or suggest that I should. So I think looking back, I don't know what that dynamic would have been like. But he was like, look at this. It's gonna be you know, why don't you go into something different that's an easier path or a more traditional path or something like that? I will say I did follow his advice to go into engineering. I didn't. He actually encouraged me not to go into law and not to go into appellate law, and that's not a female thing. It was more we just have a very we have a ton of lawyers in our family. Megan Cavanagh [00:08:41]: And I think it was the the uniqueness and and that not, as many people, let alone women, could do engineering, and that would be a good thing to do. And I didn't follow that advice in part because I think the other qualities that I inherited from him and learned from him was by that time I knew what I what was right for me and could make those sort of decisions. I knew who I was, what I enjoyed, what I was good at, what motivated and fulfilled me and that was sort of more of the motivator as opposed to, you know, him saying we have too many lawyers. We're sort of, we joke we're we're a useless family because we can't build or fix anything. Right? All we do is either cause or try and solve problems. Michael Cavanagh [00:09:24]: I thought you were going to mention the fact that I made you diagram sentences as I did your 2 older siblings. But your teachers in high school at the conferences I attended said you had a terrific ability in math and with figures. I had a math degree in high school, but how I got through plain and solid geometry and trigonometry is beyond me. I thought I hated it. But I thought, alright. Your counselors in high school certainly said, you ought to be headed for engineering, and I would delight it when you did that. But it's it's kind of ironic that once you entered law and passed that, you landed back in a, heavily male oriented surroundings in the area of patent law. And there are very few female patent lawyers, and when they find one nowadays that has a background in science or engineering, They grabbed them up pretty quickly and slapped those golden handcuffs on them that you referred to, very impressive starting salaries and benefits. Michael Cavanagh [00:10:44]: So it was an interesting background. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:47]: You know, one of the things that you said, Meghan, was that by the time that you decided to go to law school and then run for office, you knew who you were, you knew what you wanted, and you had a direction. And it sounds like through your life that you had support to get you to that point. What did your father do to help you to pave that way for you, to help you to see that direction that you wanted for your life? Megan Cavanagh [00:11:14]: I think that trajectory I always when I'm talking usually to to students, be they, you know, 4th graders or law students or anything in between. I sort of use my trajectory as an example of, like, you don't know where you're gonna end up from where you are now. Right? And and there's a huge push, and I'd say this as a mother of teenagers. Right? Like, to like, you're supposed to know at 16 what you're gonna do at 55. Right? And that's just not feasible. And I use that example. I mean, because I didn't know what I wanted to do at 17. I didn't really like that sort of I didn't know. Megan Cavanagh [00:11:50]: I listened to people who told me this is what you are good at and you should do this sort of thing, and I ended up in engineering. And I wasn't, to be honest, a huge fan of it. I worked for a couple of years. I did environmental engineering. Afterwards, I liked working in the field more than I did studying engineering, and that actually sort of made me a bit hesitant about going to law school. But I got to law school and it was really there was, like, this huge exhale. It was like, oh, this is me. They teach the way I learn. Megan Cavanagh [00:12:19]: They think the way, that sort of thing. It really was a fit. And then when I got out, as my dad mentioned, I was like, well, I should use them both. So I'll go into patent law and I should do that and found that it it really wasn't for me. I it was so it was for me, it was sort of like learning, trying a lot of things and then finding out whether or not it wasn't tuning into that. I really like to write and research and the area of Patmos that I was in, that wasn't it. And so I ended up back in appellate law. And again, I had that same sort of, this is where I'm supposed to be. Megan Cavanagh [00:12:51]: I think what helped me, you know, what my dad did that helped me was being supportive of that. Not always saying yes and agreeing with me on it, but helping me being open to it and helping me sort of think through it so that I could figure out what it is that is mine, you know, my thoughts and my my wants or what have you and what and to separate that out from what others say I should or shouldn't do. You know, and I think that it's part of his personality. I think it's also part of profession. He was a judge for a very long time. He was a judge on the Supreme Court for 31 years and six years before that on the Court of Appeals and, I don't know, a couple of years on the district court beforehand. But I would always people would always say, oh, your dad must hold court at the dinner table or something like that. Really, it wasn't the case. Megan Cavanagh [00:13:39]: He was the one who would, like, sort of toss out a topic or an idea or a thought or what have you and then sit back and listen to how other people think about it and hear it, which makes sense. That's what we do on the Supreme Court. Right? We have like, cases don't get up to us unless they're tough cases and there are good arguments on both sides, and our job primarily is to hear out all of the arguments and the reasons and the thoughts and that sort of thing. But I think in doing that, I mean, he did that as a profession, and I think he did that as a dad of listening probably first rather than speaking, and it was more important for him to hear what other people had to say than for me to hear what he thought about what I was doing. So I think that's a big thing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:22]: And Michael, I know earlier you said that you gave your wife a lot of kudos for helping to raise your kids and because you were in a very demanding and a very active career that pulled you in, took a lot of time. Talk to me about what you had to do to be able to maintain and build those relationships that you still wanted with your daughters, even though you had such a a public role and a role that took you away from your family as well. Michael Cavanagh [00:14:56]: Well, I think I was particularly fortunate in that when I left the trial court, which required me to be on the bench every day, 5 days a week. The appellate court, the 8 years I spent on the Michigan Court of Appeals, and then as Megan mentioned, 32 on the Supreme Court. An awful lot of that can be done, well, 90% of it maybe. That might be an exaggeration, but it deals with reading. Endless briefs, records, former opinions, research, and, you know, it's amazing. Even during that period, I was able to bring a lot of work home and fit some of the parenting functions with the the work of the court. And I think that was a unique benefit to me to be able to do. I think so many working fathers are in their particular job or profession 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and it's my hands on. Michael Cavanagh [00:16:10]: I think today, it's even greater with, after COVID with everything being the Zoom conference, for example. Megan's in Troy. I'm in Lansing. A lot is achievable. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:25]: A lot is definitely achievable now where you couldn't have that in so many ways before COVID. So you're definitely right in that regard. Now, Meaghan, I I would I know that you said that your dad, when you said that you wanted to go to law school, has tried to convince you not to do that, and you paved your path and ended up going in that...
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Exploring Healthy Masculinity: A Conversation with Suraj Arshanapally
07/01/2024
Exploring Healthy Masculinity: A Conversation with Suraj Arshanapally
In the realm of fatherhood and raising daughters, the concept of healthy masculinity plays a crucial role in shaping family dynamics and individual growth. The Dads with Daughters podcast recently featured , the founder of the , shedding light on the importance of cultural diversity and healthy masculinity. Through the power of storytelling and introspection, Suraj's journey encapsulates the evolution of masculinity, challenging stereotypes and encouraging authenticity in self-expression. Cultural Diversity and Personal Identity Suraj's upbringing in a bicultural household provided him with a unique perspective on masculinity and identity. Growing up with Indian heritage at home and American culture outside, he navigated conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. Suraj's experience with early facial hair development highlighted the impact of societal norms on self-perception. This narrative underscores the need to recognize and celebrate cultural differences in shaping individual identities and expressions of masculinity. Reframing Healthy Masculinity The concept of healthy masculinity, as explored by Suraj, emphasizes values that prioritize personal well-being and positive contributions to society. Through conversations with men from diverse backgrounds, Suraj discovered common themes of empathy, respect, and self-care as integral components of healthy masculinity. By rejecting outdated stereotypes and embracing introspection, men can redefine what it means to embody strength and vulnerability in their roles as fathers and community members. Fatherhood and Active Parenting A critical aspect of healthy masculinity lies in active fatherhood and caregiving roles. Suraj highlights the significance of modeling positive behavior and values for children, emphasizing the impact of parental actions on shaping a child's worldview. By fostering empathy, respect, and open communication within the family, fathers can cultivate a supportive environment that promotes individual growth and emotional well-being. Empowering Future Generations Looking towards the future, the multicultural man initiative aims to extend its reach to children, advocating for inclusive narratives and empowering young individuals to embrace their authentic selves. By promoting diverse representations of masculinity and encouraging self-expression from an early age, the initiative seeks to dismantle harmful stereotypes and foster a culture of acceptance and understanding among future generations. Encouraging Introspection and Dialogue In promoting healthy masculinity, fathers can play a pivotal role in fostering introspection and open dialogue with their children. By exposing children to diverse perspectives and challenging societal norms, fathers can instill values of empathy, inclusivity, and self-acceptance in the next generation. Through mindful language and supportive interactions, fathers can create a nurturing environment that nurtures individual growth and self-confidence. The intersection of cultural diversity, healthy masculinity, and fatherhood forms a compelling narrative that promotes personal growth, understanding, and empathy. The stories shared by Suraj Arshanapally and the multicultural man initiative serve as a beacon for individuals seeking to redefine masculinity, embrace authenticity, and cultivate meaningful connections within their families and communities. Through introspection, dialogue, and a commitment to positive change, fathers can lead by example in fostering a future where healthy masculinity thrives, and individuals are empowered to be their true selves. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, I love being able to sit down, talk to you every week, be able to bring you different people that are going to open your minds and allow you to think about things in a little bit different way because it is so important for you and I to know that we don't have to do this alone. We don't have to go about fatherhood alone. There are so many people around us that can offer support, offer resources, offer a listening ear. Whatever it may be, There are many people that have gone before us, many people that will come after us that we can help along the way as well. That's what this show is all about. It is here to help you in this journey and for you and I to learn together because, as you know, I've got 2 daughters myself. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:08]: So it is important for me to learn and be open to learning and know that the learning doesn't stop as they get older. It continues, and we have to continue to be able to support our daughters as they get into adulthood as well. Every week, I love being able to bring you different people, different guests that can bring different perspectives for you to consider, for you to put tools in your own toolbox. And this week, we've got another great guest with us today. Suraj Arashnapalli is with us today. And Suraj is the founder of the multi cultural man, which is a initiative that uses storytelling to celebrate cultural diversity and healthy masculinity. So we're going to be talking about this journey that Siraj has been on to get people talking, to to really bring stories out into the open and to go even deeper into these stories. And I'm really excited to have him here. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:03]: Suraj, thanks so much for being here today. So I guess first and foremost, I mentioned that you started the multicultural management journey back in 2023. And I guess, 1st and foremost, I'd love to turn the clock back just a little bit. I'd love to for you to get into your head a little bit about why this was important to you, why you felt the calling to try to bring these stories out into the world. Suraj Arshanapally [00:02:37]: Started this in 2023, but I kind of wanna turn the clock a little bit more to my childhood. So my parents immigrated to the US from India. And what that did for me was gift me with 2 cultures. So I had Indian culture in my household and I had American culture everywhere else. And so I would parse out what customs and traditions and ideologies belong to each culture, but also what resonated with me. And growing up, I was really informative to my worldview and my identity, but simultaneously, I was also receiving a lot of messages around masculinity. So I would receive messages such as, like, boys and men do this, but they don't do that, or they can act this way, but they can act that way. And so I there it was really confusing trying to figure out who I could be and and how I wanted to move through the world. Suraj Arshanapally [00:03:32]: And something that I also recognized was that a lot of these messages didn't account for my cultural identity or my cultural experience. So one one story that I can share when around the time of puberty, maybe even a little bit earlier, my experience was that I grew facial hair much earlier than my peers. And my classmates found this confusing, and I found it confusing because I didn't know. I didn't see anyone that looked like me. And so what this did was, like, my facial hair was used as a reason to other me or differentiate me, and I ended up going clean shaven for, like, the next decade of my life because I associated facial hair to be abnormal through this messaging. But then at some point in my adulthood, that messaging flipped, and essentially, facial hair was seen in I thought And I thought, you know, this is really confusing because this is not the messaging that I received earlier on. And so what it taught me was that one, are the messages around masculinity are malleable. They evolve. Suraj Arshanapally [00:04:41]: They aren't set in stone, and so we shouldn't take them that way. And then it also taught me that we need to widen our definition of masculinity and the messaging around masculinity to encompass all types of men from different cultural backgrounds as well as people who identify with a masculine gender expression. And so I started to have conversations about this intersection with other men in my life and friends and found that my facial hair story was just one of many stories. There were, there were a lot of stories where men would tell me about a specific identity, whether it was, like, their queer identity or religious identity, or they would tell me about a specific aspect of their personality, like, they were an empathetic person or that they really connected with, you know, the the women in their lives. And those were used as reasons to differentiate them in their lives from the other men because it didn't fit into that quote, unquote norm when we think about masculinity or the messaging around masculinity. And I found this really unfortunate because I found that a lot of these aspects that the men in my life were hiding or not sharing with the world were connected to healthy masculinity and the types of values I wanted to see in the world. And so that's kind of the evolution of why I started the multicultural man. You know, these series of conversations showed me that I need to put a spotlight on these culturally diverse stories of healthy masculinity to really amplify Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:21]: It's so such an interesting And then ultimately, to widen our definition of what we see as masculine. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:26]: Every person has their own version of it in some different way, whether it's culturally based or socioeconomically based or other there's so many different factors that make a person who they are. And part of that is their understanding, their definition of what a man is. And a lot of times that comes out of, in my perspective, the men that they grow up with, the men that they see or they interact with, and they start to emulate those individuals. Going back to your story, I guess I would love to unpack that a little bit because I'm sure that around you, when you said you were talking about the facial hair story for yourself when you were growing up and coming into that facial hair when no one else in your peer group was, but the men around you did. So you saw these 2 worlds colliding for yourself. And you said it took a a number of years for you to get to a point where you accepted that. What did you have to do for yourself to come to that acceptance and be able to live an authentic life for yourself? Suraj Arshanapally [00:07:40]: I think at the time, I didn't accept myself. I just didn't know how to navigate having facial hair amongst a lot of people. A lot of the the boys my age didn't have facial hair. The men in my life did, but that seemed like a very different age group. You know? And I remember when I was a child, one term that I was called was man child because the boys around me didn't know how to they they saw the men in their lives with facial hair or older siblings, and then they also saw me. And so that was it was confusing at the time, and it took me a while to figure out how to appreciate facial hair. I think it was the conversations that I've been having with men around culture and masculinity. So one conversation that comes to mind is a conversation I had with with this man named JJ. Suraj Arshanapally [00:08:27]: And JJ, his religious identity is sick. And in Sikhism, facial hair is honored and respected. And he was telling me how it was so important for him to maintain his facial hair, as part of his religious identity and the cultural significance that comes with it. Through that conversation, I realized that facial hair is just a part of my experience. I'm Indian American, and my outward appearance is going to look different than others around me who aren't, who don't identify with that. And I really appreciated having that conversation with JJ because he was able to share his experience and put a spotlight on why it's something that's part of our identities that we should be able to achieve some of this services. It wasn't a dream of the military experience for yourself. As you said, you wanted to bring stories out into the open to explore healthy masculinity. Define for me healthy masculinity because every person is going to have a little bit different definition of that for themselves. Suraj Arshanapally [00:09:35]: Yeah. I'm glad you said that because this is this is something I think about quite often. So if we were to define masculinity as maybe a list of traits and behaviors that are typically associated with boys and men, or we define it as an energy for how you move through the world, regardless of how you define it. I would say a healthier form of masculinity is that form of masculinity that prioritizes your health, but also the health and well-being of your loved ones and your community at large. And so there are a couple ways that I've been thinking about this. And one way it evolved from the conversations that I've been having with men around their understanding of healthy masculinity. And that first way is about that list of traits. So for many years, a lot of these men had received messaging around what they can and can't do or how they can and can't behave. Suraj Arshanapally [00:10:28]: And so a lot of these messages, and I'm sure you've heard many of these, are that, you know, boys don't cry and don't be weak and boys are strong. And when you connect those with how it manifests that they need to prioritize self reliance in an unhealthy way. So if they feel like they need help, whether they're going through a mental health crisis or whether they're not feeling well physically. Whatever it may be, they may need to reach out for medical help, but they may see it as a sign of weakness, and they should just rely on themselves to get through it. And so these aspects or these messages around masculinity that many of us received when we were young weren't the best for our health because they didn't teach us how to prioritize our health. And so a lot of these men are doing are rejecting those messages by turning them into messages that they can live healthier lives. So that might mean that they express their emotions, or it might mean that they figure out ways to prioritize their mental and physical health, or they when they are in a conflict, they figure out how to navigate it peacefully, or they are active fathers in their children's lives. I resonate with this approach because I think it helps really prioritize health and well-being of oneself and the community. Suraj Arshanapally [00:11:52]: But another the the other approach that I wanna touch on is one that I started to think about more through the conversations I've been having with other men, and it's a little bit more of an introspective approach. And it requires one to think about their values and what values are important to them and also what values they want to see exemplified and embodied in society. So one example for me is I grew up in a Hindu household. And so in Hinduism, there is one value, how I move through the world using a peaceful approach. So when conflicts arise, I channel this value and I figure out a way to mediate them in a nonviolent peaceful way. And when I think about the values that are important to me, I share them with others. And Then through these conversations, I've learned about other values that are important to other men. Brian Anderson, who I recently had a conversation with for the multicultural man is a great example. Suraj Arshanapally [00:13:07]: I remember when Brian was speaking about his Catholic background and then his role as a father, he spoke about servant leadership being a really integral part of his being and the way he, you know, he moves through the world. And so when he, he spoke about when he thinks about the actions he takes, he for or what decisions he wants to make, he thinks about his children and the community and the impacts that it'll have on them. And that'll help him decide whether he wants to take those actions. And so I've learned a lot about the value systems that are connected to healthy masculinity as well. And and so that's a long answer, but it's the two approaches that I think about when I think about healthy masculinity. The rejection, the negative messages, but also about value system Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:52]: who is the cofounder of Gathering Together. And there's been others, other conversations that you've been collecting since 2023. What have you learned thus far? And what are you taking out of those conversations that are helping to frame your own masculinity? Suraj Arshanapally [00:14:15]: Yeah. So it's been really interesting because I have talked to several men across cultural traditions. And I actually I recently started documenting them in 2023, but I'd been having these conversations since around 2020. And it's been fascinating to learn about the ways that men are thinking about masculinity, or they haven't thought about masculinity and learn in the moment and how their experiences while so culturally diverse and pull from different cultural values and have different experiences, we're able to share a lot of similarities. And when I ask people what it means to be, to be a man that moves through the world in a healthy way, or like what healthy masculinity means. I get a lot of the same answers. It means to be a good person. It means to approach society in a peaceful way and to care about people to be empathetic, and those are values that I really resonate with as well. Suraj Arshanapally [00:15:18]: And so I think for me, something that I have learned from from these conversations is that I need to really do some more introspection on what is important to me. And when something feels off in terms of the socialization around masculinity, like, I feel nervous asking for help in this very particular situation, it's important for me to ask myself why and figure out what the connection to health, whether it's myself or society is. And I think that allows me to approach life in a healthier way. And so if anything, these conversations have taught me that I have a lot to learn. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:04]: Now not every dad, not every man is ready to unpack all of that for themselves. Sometimes it's going to take them some time to be able to have those internal dialogues or find someone that they're willing to talk to about these issues. From the conversations that you've had thus far and introspection that you've done yourself, are there things that men can and maybe should be doing to be able to start moving themselves in that, we'll say, right direction of being able to be introspective that can help them then to better understand themselves, which then allows them to understand themselves as fathers? Suraj Arshanapally [00:16:49]: Yeah. You know, it's a good question. And, you know, I'm not I'm not a father yet, but I thought about this because with this being a podcast centered around fatherhood, you know, what is the connection between healthy masculinity and fatherhood? And one trait that I think about when I think about healthy masculinity is active fatherhood and caregiving. And I believe that this value or aspect of healthy masculinity is really important for us as a society. When someone becomes a father, they don't abandon their value systems. If anything, it's even stronger because now you have little ones who are watching your every move, who are learning from you, and who you were teaching as a father. And so I think if the one piece of advice that I would give, or I would give myself, I should say, who hopes to be a father, is to really think about how I want to show up in the world,...
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The Evolution of a Single Dad: Balancing Sacrifice, Support, and Self-Discovery
06/24/2024
The Evolution of a Single Dad: Balancing Sacrifice, Support, and Self-Discovery
Fatherhood is a deeply personal and transformative journey that challenges individuals in unexpected ways. In the podcast episode of Dads with Daughters, guest shares his profound experiences as a single father to five daughters, shedding light on the complexities and rewards of parenting. Through his candid reflections and discussions with Dr. Christopher Lewis, Rob's story unveils the evolution of his role as a father, from initial fears and struggles to moments of growth and resilience. Embracing Vulnerability: Rob Rohde's admission of neglecting self-care early on as a single father resonates with many parents who prioritize their children's well-being above their own. By falling into the trap of self-sacrifice, Rob recognized the detrimental impact it had on his mental and emotional health. Through support from his family and other men, Rob acknowledged the importance of self-care and the necessity of addressing his own needs while being a pillar of strength for his daughters. Facing Challenges and Self-Reflection: The journey of fatherhood is not without its challenges, as Rob Rohde discovered through personal struggles and moments of feeling lost. His realization of the fractured relationships with his older daughters prompted introspection and personal growth. By asking himself tough questions about his parenting and taking responsibility for his role in the family dynamics, Rob embarked on a path of self-discovery and improvement. Supporting Through Loss and Trauma: The loss of the girls' mother posed a significant emotional hurdle for Rob and his daughters, highlighting the importance of navigating grief and supporting each child's unique needs. Rob's account of being asked to identify his late wife's body by the sheriff's department illuminates the profound depth of his challenges. Despite the traumatic event, Rob's unwavering dedication to his daughters' well-being and his commitment to open communication and support illustrate the resilience of the human spirit in times of adversity. Lessons in Connection and Bonding: Rob Rohde's emphasis on understanding nonverbal cues and fostering meaningful connections with his daughters underscores the power of effective communication and emotional intelligence in parenting. By prioritizing quality time and creating a safe environment for his children, Rob cultivates strong bonds built on trust and understanding. Empowering Other Fathers: Rob's journey as a single father inspired him to become a coach for other dads facing similar struggles, providing personalized support and guidance. By acknowledging the common challenges and complexities of single fatherhood, Rob aims to customize his coaching approach to address individual needs and empower men on their parenting journey. In the realm of fatherhood, each experience is a unique tapestry of growth, challenges, and triumphs. Rob Rohde's narrative exemplifies the transformative power of self-reflection, vulnerability, and unwavering support in navigating the complexities of parenting. As fathers embrace their roles with openness and authenticity, they pave the way for meaningful connections and enduring bonds with their children. By sharing his story and insights, Rob Rohde inspires a community of fathers to embrace their journey with grace, resilience, and an unwavering commitment to supporting their daughters through every twist and turn of life's tapestry. Through vulnerability and self-discovery, fathers can truly become the anchors of love and support that their children need to thrive and blossom. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week and every week I love it. I'm being able to just be here to be part of this journey that you're on. And you're a part of my journey too. I have to tell you about my kids, and I love hearing about the journeys that you're on as well. And I appreciate so much that you come back every week and are able to learn and grow with all of the dads and all of the people that we have on the show. It has been an amazing ride over these last few years as we have had so many amazing guests that have shared their own journey, shared resources and more to help you be that dad that you wanna be for your daughters. And that's important because none of us have all the answers. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]: None of us have to do this alone. And it's important to be able to reach out to learn to be able to be a little vulnerable. Yes. I said that word vulnerability. Yes. Being a little vulnerable and knowing that you don't have to do this alone and that you can reach out. You can learn about other ways of doing things and incorporate things into your own parenting journey that makes sense. Not everything you're gonna hear on every show is gonna make sense for you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:37]: I get that. And what's most important is that you're here, you come back, you listen every week, and you're willing to learn. This week, we've got another great guest with us today. Rob Rode is with us. And Rob is a single dad of 5 daughters. Yes, I said 5 daughters. And and I said single dad. So we're gonna be talking about that as well and the journey that he has been on with his own daughters. I'm really excited to have him on and to have him share some of the journey that he's had. Rob, thanks so much for being here today. Rob Rohde [00:02:10]: Hi, Chris. I am happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:13]: It is my pleasure having you here today. Love being able to talk to you about this journey that you're on. And I wanna turn the clock back in time. I know you've got 5 daughters and your oldest daughters are in their twenties. So adults now, but I wanna go all the way back because I know your oldest are twins. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:28]: Let's go all the way back to that first moment. That first moment when you found out that you're going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head? Rob Rohde [00:02:35]: Wow. Well, my story is actually a little bit different in that my oldest daughters were already born when I met them. So I started dating their mom when they were about 2 years old. And so I, you know, I knew at the time that I started seeing their mom that she had daughters and she had twin daughters. And so if I was gonna make a decision to continue in that relationship and to, go down that path, I I knew that being a father was part of it. And so there wasn't this single moment in time where I realized, oh, you're gonna be a dad to daughters. It was more of a kind of a a slow journey. But I will say this, one of the more kind of unique and exciting things that I get to tell my oldest 2 daughters is that I got to choose to be their dad. Rob Rohde [00:03:22]: I got to choose them specifically. And that's something that's kind of unique and kind of exciting. And so the story is, is that after their mom and I got married, their father, biological father, was never in the picture. And so I wanted to start the process of trying to adopt them. And so after several years of going down that road, I did adopt them. And so, now they are not just mine in spirit, they are fully mine and will always be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:50]: I love that story and the journey that you're on. And and so one I guess one other question is that so you had a few years with just those 2, and then you ended up having your next daughters. And at that point, that had to have been a little bit more of a surprise because of the fact that that you didn't come into the relationship where those daughters were there. So talk to me about that reaction that you had when those next daughters came into your life. Rob Rohde [00:04:17]: It was definitely different, but I I have to tell you, I I was so excited. We did not with my 3rd daughter now, so the one the first one that you're talking about, we did not know whether or not she was going to be a girl or a boy. So that moment came in the delivery room when she was actually born. And so, you know, when I always wanted to have a large family, and I was excited about that. And I was excited for to already have the 2 older girls and now to be kind of starting a expanding that family further. And so the moment that I saw her, it was amazing. I mean, I think the thing that a lot of a lot of people don't tell you is just they talk about the fear, and they talk about the all the worries, and they talk about the stress. But they don't talk really about how you literally fall in love with this little child in a different way, but a similar way to how you you fall in love with a spouse. And that it but it happens so quickly for some of us. And in this situation, it happened almost right away from the moment I saw her. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:23]: Now you just mentioned fear in a lot of dads that I talked to talk about that with having daughters, that there is some fear that went along with that. For you having 5 daughters. What's been your biggest fear in raising your daughters? Rob Rohde [00:05:37]: You know, initially, my biggest fear was just simply fear that I was going to screw them up. You know, I mean, that sounds so simple and so basic, but it was just fear that maybe I wasn't equipped to connect with them in the way that they needed or to or I wasn't patient enough or, you know, I didn't really have all the tools that I needed in order to to really take care of daughters and to to be that type of dad that they needed from me. But I will say that that fear changed significantly as they started to get older. And once I became a single father, that anxiety turned into just into a complete lack of knowing whether or not I had the ability to take care of them on my own, and a feeling of overwhelm and everything that goes along with that. But now that the kids are a little bit older, the anxiety that I face or the fear that I face is more around whether or not I did the work and did the things that I needed to do when they were younger to really build that foundation for them. And whether or not they you know, every dad is going to fear for the safety of their kids, and in particular, their daughters. I think that that's just always there. And there's only so much you can do to protect them as they grow and as they become older. Rob Rohde [00:06:57]: And, you know, your hope is that you have done the work early on so that now that they are in this stage of their life, that they have the tools that they need, they have that sense of self worth and security. They have the love for themselves and the the knowledge that they have value to offer the world. And, you know, you we really just want to raise daughters who are confident, secure, love themselves, and treat others well. And the fear is whether or not we've done our work early on in order to set them up to be successful. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:28]: Now one of the things that you just talked about was that anxiety that you felt, especially as became a single father and the questioning of your own abilities to be able to manage things to to deal with things. I'm sure that during that process, you had to do some things for yourself to be able to manage that anxiety, to get past that anxiety, to be able to then be there for your daughters. Talk to me about that journey for yourself and what you had to do to get yourself in a place where you were able to get to that point of, I'm gonna say acceptance in some ways, but but how it's in getting to that point where you were okay with where you were, but then at the same time, where you were okay with where your daughters were and able to support them for what they needed? Rob Rohde [00:08:15]: Well, so if I'm being fully honest, I did not do a good job of taking care of myself early on. I fell into the trap that so many of us dads fall into, which is trying to be that rock of stability and trying to make sure that we're that pillar for our children. And we put all of our energy and all of our resources into making sure that they have what they need. And we almost do it, or I almost did it, almost like a badge of honor. Like, I'm gonna put my needs to the side and make sure that they have everything they need. I'm gonna always put them first. And I did that to my detriment. And I it took me time to realize that that was not helpful for them, and they were not getting the best version of me when I was trying to go that direction. Rob Rohde [00:08:59]: So the help that I did have, though, from the beginning is I did have a strong support group within my family. I had a group of of relatives, uncles, cousins, my father, other men who were in my corner and who kept me grounded and helped provide me with the confidence that I needed and kept me kind of going in that positive direction. Rob Rohde [00:09:19]: But there was also this period of time where I felt lost, and I felt like I was not doing what to do, and I was not taking care of myself. And when I first became a single father, I went into this trap of I was drinking single father, I went into this trap of, I was drinking too much, I wasn't sleeping well, I was not exercising, not eating healthy. I wasn't doing any of the things that I needed to do to take care of myself. And it really took those men that I, that I spoke about earlier kind of stepping into my life and saying, hey, Rob, you need to make a change, and you need to really take a look at the example you're setting for your daughters and kind of get out of this funk that you're in. And I will say that I did seek out help after that, and I I sought out help in the form of of counselors and mentors and other men, And I just leaned on people and started doing my own work. And I went through this period early on where I was just blaming everybody for everything. And I was blaming my ex wife for maybe saying derogatory things about me, and I was blaming my job for forcing me to work so much. And I was blaming my older daughters because I not appreciating everything I did because my relationship with them was fractured. Rob Rohde [00:10:30]: And we really had a a challenge early on. And so it took me a while to get out of that place of blame and start working on myself as opposed to just pointing the finger outward and pointing the finger at others. And to me, what was this turning point for me is I was listening to the words of a host on a leadership podcast who was talking about a situation where him as a leader fell short on his goals. And he had to report up to his boss, and his boss asked him this question. He asked him, how has your leadership contributed to this result? And I heard those words, and I immediately went to my older daughters. And I turned that back at me and asked myself, how has your parenting contributed to this result? How has your parenting led to these fractured relationships that you're currently in with your older daughters? And that was a moment that really just sunk in. Those were words that just sunk in and really entered into my mind. And I remember sitting alone when I heard this, when I was listening to this. Rob Rohde [00:11:35]: My kids were at their mom's house. I was alone in the house, up in my room, and I remember turning to the mirror and looking at myself and just being disgusted with the person that I had become, disgusted with this person who was blaming everybody else for everything and who was not taking responsibility for my own actions. And I knew I needed to make a change. And so I did. I told myself that I need to be doing things better moving forward. My daughters need a better version of me moving forward. And so to to answer your question, at that point, I became completely engrossed in learning everything I could possibly learn about leadership, parenting, raising daughters, raising sons, which I didn't even have. But just anything I could come up with that would help me be a better parent, a better leader for my family, and really kind of diving back into my own personal growth. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:29]: I appreciate you sharing that because I think that many dads can fall into that trap and fall into that situation where you, as you said, you blame yourself and you start spiraling down that and not every person is gonna be willing to admit that and to deal with it the way that you have. So I appreciate you sharing that and being willing to share that with everyone today. Now, as you were going through that, and going through your own process of being able to get to a better place to be able to then be there for your own daughters. As you go through that yourself, as you're raising your daughters, it's not always easy. There are definite hard points. What would you say has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Rob Rohde [00:13:11]: I would say the hardest part is really recognizing the uniqueness in each individual. And that was especially hard for me starting off with twins who were already 2 years old when I met them, 4 years old when we got married, and 7 when the adoption finally went final. And I kind of had it in my head that, okay, I know how I wanna be a parent. And if I do things a certain way, then it's going to be effective. If I do it from a place of love, then I do it from a place of caring, then it'll be effective. But it really wasn't. The things that I was trying were not working. And you know, there's this uniqueness when you're raising twins, in that the primary person that they turn to for recognition, for support, and for a the person that they wanna please more than anyone else in the world is not their parents. Rob Rohde [00:14:07]: It's each other. And that's a unique dynamic that I didn't appreciate. And even as twins, they're quite different. And so, I will say the hardest thing for me was the recognizing that I needed to be a different parent to each of my children. Same level of accountability and the same level of responsibility for them, but a different person. The way that I connected with them had to be different. The way that I related with them had to be different. And the way that I showed them that I love them and I cared for them had to be different. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:41]: Now you and I have had a conversation at the beginning of our talk today before we went live. And one of the things you shared with me was also a really hard story and something that you had to really work with your daughters on. And that was the loss of their mother or their for your daughters. Talk to me about that and what you had to do as a father to be able to support your daughters through that loss and help them to be resilient through that period. Because at that point, they would have been in their early twenties all the way down to 8. And as you said, you need to understand how you need what the needs are for each child. But the needs of that vast age range is gonna be very different in the loss of a parent. Rob Rohde [00:15:28]: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, that was a difficult it's an understatement to say that that was a difficult time. I was working in healthcare at the time, and I was at work in the middle of the night. And the way that all this happened after there's a series of events that happened that led up to this, without going into all of those details, I received a phone call in the middle of the night on my shift at the hospital I was working at, and it was the sheriff's department, and they were asking me to help identify the body of the girl's mom. And even though there were a lot of...
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Joe Bovell's Legacy of Love and Leadership in Parenting Daughters
06/17/2024
Joe Bovell's Legacy of Love and Leadership in Parenting Daughters
In the realm of parenting, fathers play a pivotal role in shaping their children's lives, especially daughters. The journey of fatherhood is complex, filled with joys, challenges, and continuous learning experiences. In the Dads with Daughters podcast episode featuring , a father of two, a profound discussion unfolded regarding the evolving dynamics of raising daughters. Let's delve into the insightful dialogue and extract key takeaways on navigating the path of fatherhood. Embracing the Journey of Parenthood Joe Bovell's narrative sheds light on the profound transformation that occurs when one becomes a father. The initial emotions of surprise and delight upon discovering the gender of his children set the stage for a journey filled with expectations, fears, and aspirations. Embracing fatherhood as a collaborative effort with his wife, Joe highlights the importance of being present and actively engaging in his children's lives from the moment they enter the world. Navigating Fears and Challenges As daughters transition through different stages of life, fathers like Joe Bovell acknowledge the evolving fears and challenges that come with the territory. From the desire to protect their daughters in their early years to confronting the societal pressures and influences as they grow older, the complexities of fatherhood magnify over time. Joe's exploration of the generational differences and the impact of social media on his daughter's growth provides a poignant reflection on the constant adaptation required in modern-day parenting. Balancing Work, Life, and Parenting An integral aspect of Joe's journey as a father is balancing his professional commitments with his role as a parent. As the CEO of Eco Growth International, Joe emphasizes the significance of quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with his family. Striving to be an engaged and supportive father amidst a busy schedule, Joe's approach reflects the ongoing quest for balance and prioritization in the realm of work-life integration. Drawing Inspiration from Personal Challenges Joe Bovell's upbringing in poverty and adversity serves as a foundation for his parenting philosophy. The resilience and work ethic instilled by his life experiences shape his perspectives on fatherhood and drive him to provide a safe and secure environment for his children. Joe's reflection on the absence of a father figure in his life underscores the profound impact of personal adversities in shaping one's values and aspirations as a parent. Continuous Growth and Reflection One of the most profound insights shared by Joe Bovell is the importance of continuous growth and reflection as a father. Acknowledging the feedback from his children, embracing the changing dynamics as they transition into adulthood, and navigating the fine line between guidance and autonomy, Joe exemplifies the essence of evolving as a parent. The journey of fatherhood is marked by learning on the job, adapting to new challenges, and striving to be the best version of oneself for the sake of one's children. In essence, Joe Bovell's journey as a father provides a poignant narrative on the highs, lows, and intricate nuances of raising daughters. His reflections on fears, challenges, and the continuous strive for improvement paint a vivid picture of the multifaceted nature of fatherhood. As fathers navigate the complexities of parenting, Joe's insights serve as a guiding light, emphasizing the importance of presence, resilience, and a constant commitment to being the best dad one can be in shaping the lives of their daughters. Joe Bovell was a part of Sarah Maconachie's book of stories about fathers called . TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down, talk to you to be able to be on this journey with you. Because I know it is a journey. You know, I've got 2 daughters myself. I know you've got daughters, and you are going through this journey just like I am. You may have really young daughters, you could have teenage daughters, you could have grown and flown daughters, but we're all on a journey to help our daughters to be able to be those women, those strong, independent women that I already mentioned, but that we want them to be in life. And that's why the show exists. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:01]: It exists because I want to help you along this path. I am not an expert, but it is important to be able to walk together in this journey, because we can always learn and grow and be better as fathers. And that's why every week I love being able to bring you different guests, different dads, different people, people with resources, people with different experiences and and on different journeys that can help you to see your own journey of fatherhood in a little bit different way. And by hearing these experiences, my hope is that you're adding some tools to that toolbox that you're carrying with you. And that that will help you in the journey that you're on. This week, we've got another great guest with us today. Joe Bovell is with us today. And Joe is a father of 2. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:56]: He's got a son. He's got a daughter. And we're gonna be talking about the journey that he has been on as a father himself. And I'm really excited to be able to talk to him today. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Bovell [00:02:07]: Welcome, Chris. Thank you. I'm looking forward to this. Well, I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:10]: really excited to have you here today. And I always start the interviews with an opportunity to kinda go back in time. We're gonna turn the clock back a little bit. And I said, you have a son, you have a daughter, and we're gonna focus on your daughter today. But I want you to go back to that first moment that you found out that you were gonna be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Joe Bovell [00:02:27]: Well, I found out as she was born. So it seems to be a bit against the norm now where a lot of people wanna know the sex of their child before well before they're born. We took the decision with both our children to not do that. So so that was a great surprise, and I'm glad we did that. So our son was born first as you touched on. So it was great when I found out I had a daughter because that was the pigeon pear. That was fantastic to have that moment where we said, okay. Let's let's work out. Joe Bovell [00:02:53]: You know, we're being blessed. We've had, a boy and a girl. We had a lot of difficulties through both pregnancies. My wife did, not me, of course. But and she had morning sickness for every single day of each pregnancy up until the day including the day they were born. So we were only ever gonna have 2 children. So the fact that Stephanie was born was, yeah, it was a great delight. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:13]: Now, you know, I talked to a lot of dads, that have daughters, and a lot of the dads talk about that there is fear that goes along with raising daughters. Now, you had a son first, then you had your daughter. Talk to me about what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Joe Bovell [00:03:29]: I think those fears have evolved as she's gotten older. There's certainly the protective mood kicks in in those early years and and her development. But I'd say in the last 5 years, the pressures of social media, expectations of society to act and look in a particular way, that's certainly my greatest fears right now because I can see how it's influencing her how it influences her friend network, and how they communicate with each other is just so different. And I think one of my fears was the generational difference in how I grew up versus how she's growing up, and it is so different. And as a parent, you're trying to manage that sit a situation that you really have little control over. So I think the early stages because we had an established family and have a son first, there weren't as many fears. But I think now that she's interacting with the wider world, the fear has heightened, particularly in the last 5 years. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:25]: So as you talk about the fear being heightened, what is that fear now? Joe Bovell [00:04:29]: It's quite significant, particularly because I think as she's getting older and developing and growing into being a woman, I can see the pressures, societal pressures coming on to her to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to like a certain musician, to be accepted in the group. And how her friends and schoolmates actually interact with each other, and how we can escalate so quickly. So if one person doesn't get invited to a party and that person finds out about it, it sets off this chain of events that really, as I say, escalates into something that gets out of control pretty quickly. And I can see the pressure bearing on her, and then that obviously affects me as a father because you have little to no control over it. And I think it's that I can see that building as she's getting older, and that might change or tap out when she gets to 18 or 19. But at the moment, as a 15 year old, to me, it appears to be at its highest. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:22]: Now there are definitely highs and lows to fatherhood and parenting. There are good times. There's challenging times. Talk to me about what's been the hardest part about being a father to a daughter? Joe Bovell [00:05:35]: It's a really good question because I think there's so many layers. But maybe my first reaction is, in a lot of ways, my daughter has a really close relationship with her mom, and I think that's that's vitally important and not as close to to me. So you have to reconcile that that she is gonna do some more things with her mom because the girl thinks, and they're gonna enjoy that exploration together. And maybe a lot of the interest I have don't sort of resonate with her. So I think it's accepting that you have a particular role to play in your daughter's life, and I might necessarily be the friend or the mate that say mom is. It's more the mentor and that type of role. So relationship shifting from that really close bond to we're still close, but it's not not as close as what it was perhaps 5 years ago. Because she's developing and emerging and and forming her own opinions on life. Joe Bovell [00:06:25]: Right? So I think that's probably the greatest challenge. There's others, of course, but I think that's probably the greatest for me personally as a dad and how I manage that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:33]: I know you're a busy guy. You are the CEO and Managing Director at Eco Growth International. And that alone is a very busy job. And then you have your family, you have your other responsibilities, you're balancing a lot of different things, wearing a lot of hats. So talk to me about balance and what you do to be able to be that engaged dad that you wanna be. Joe Bovell [00:06:55]: Yeah. I think it's about making the most of the time that you have together and having quality rather than quantity. And, look, they've grown up. Steph's grown up with me in this role, you know, half her life. So she's accustomed to me traveling or doing longer working hours or whatever that might be. So that's the norm. I mean, it's pretty normal now when I can go on a trip and she comments and perhaps did I even go away. So and that's not that she didn't miss me, but she's just so used to me not being there. Joe Bovell [00:07:23]: And I think and that's like, I spoke on her in your earlier question about the bond with her mom is closer because she spends more time with her. So it's a really difficult balance, and I I do I wouldn't say I have an issue with it, but I would challenge the notion of work life balance. I don't I don't think there is. Trying to get that balance, I think, is incredibly difficult. And if you can do that, then I'll take my hat off to you. But I've always gone with the moments that really matter, I want to be there. So be that a school assembly or an award or a presentation or a sporting event, to me, that's vital that I'm there, and work absolutely comes second in those occasions. Work is not everything. Joe Bovell [00:08:04]: So that's where I try and make that balanced choice. It's go okay. It I don't know. It sounds like prioritization, but it's actually saying what are the moments that really matter and and being engaged in those moments as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:21]: Now you and I were connected through Sarah McConachie, who you wrote a piece of her new book in working dads and balancing acts. And in that book, you you talk about the fact that your childhood wasn't the easiest. You had a single mom, you you grew up in poverty and adversity. And that helped as you write in your in your, piece, that it really shaped a sense of resilience in you and a work ethic that remains with you today. And in that you talk about the absence of a father figure in your life. So talk to me a little bit about that absence, and how you push through that when you became a father, to be able to define fatherhood for yourself and to be the father that you wanted to be? Joe Bovell [00:09:19]: That was certainly my greatest fear, when we found out my wife was pregnant, was what kind of father would I be? Because I had no I had no benchmark. So I I never met my father at all, so there was no relationship whatsoever. I didn't have any male mentors in my life growing up either. Obviously, I was very close to my mother. But I didn't have that I didn't have anything shaping me in terms of being a father. So when my, son was born, I hadn't even held a baby. And when I had friends who had babies, I'd always avoided it because I always felt I was gonna break them if I held them. But, but now yeah. Joe Bovell [00:10:09]: So moving through that journey, I think you you come back to your own principles of doing what you feel is right. You know that you're gonna make mistakes. I've made I think I've made a lot of mistakes, in my in being a father. And would that have been different if I'd had a father figure in my life growing up? I'm not sure. I always took the position that I was fortunate in not having a father. And the reason I say that because, you know, how many children have, you know, parents who go through divorce or they have a a household that's not safe? And so just because you have a father doesn't necessarily mean it's great. So that was my one of my coping mechanisms, I guess. So I don't know how I became a father. Joe Bovell [00:11:02]: I just it just it was a lot by accident, and I learned on the job. And I think what what I touched on in the chapter was that I just felt that what I've gone through in my life, I did not want to have that repeated. So that was my guiding light in being a father. And like I said, I'm not perfect, and I do certainly things I do differently. But I think, overall, that was the the guide for me to be the father that I am. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:38]: Now I mentioned the fact that in what you wrote, you also talked about growing up in poverty and adversity. How did that shape your perspectives on life and on fatherhood? Joe Bovell [00:11:53]: On the on the life front, it it it shaped pretty quickly that if you wanted something, you had to go and, work for it. You had to you had to earn it. There was no nothing was gifted, and that you had the choice. So you came to a fork in the road that you could go the right way or the wrong way, or you could choose to stay in poverty, you could choose to be uneducated or not be a nice person, or you can actually choose to be the other way. So go the other way. So and we spoke earlier. My career path and life path hasn't certainly been linear, but it's always been guided by a drive that you can't implant into many people, and my kids don't have it. And I think that's really interesting because I've tried to help build resilience with them. Joe Bovell [00:12:43]: So it's difficult if you don't suffer adversity to build resilience. They sort of go hand in hand. So that's only shaped everything, and I started work part time when I was 10 years old, which seems pretty foreign there. Back in the early eighties, that wasn't so uncommon. But we because we had no money or, opportunity and you had friends who were doing things that you couldn't do because you couldn't afford them, you didn't have a choice. Do we go and sell newspapers and be able to be part of that or not? And I haven't been out of work since. So and it probably annoys my kids because in some ways, I have an imposter syndrome. Well, I think I do have an imposter syndrome, not in some ways. Joe Bovell [00:13:20]: And there's a fear of losing what you have, and I'm not sure that'll ever leave me. So I could be a multimillionaire, and I still might feel that it could all be taken away from me tomorrow. So that's good and bad. That certainly goes a great driver, but what it can affect is your ability to enjoy the moment. And I think that's been probably the feedback from my daughter particularly that I'm not enjoying the moment. I'm always thinking a couple of years ahead or I'm thinking about protecting what we have and not enjoying it as much as what we can. As I get older, starting to, loosen up on that a little bit. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:56]: Now you mentioned the fact that as you were growing up, you didn't have a father figure. There were no father figures in your life. You were close to your mother, but you had that lack of a father figure. And as you walked into fatherhood, as you mentioned, hadn't held the baby, you thought you were gonna break the baby. You know, you had a lot to learn and that you kind of figured out what being a father was. Who or what did you turn to to be able to model after without having that father figure in your life to be that father that you wanted to be? Joe Bovell [00:14:29]: I have to say it's my wife. So we had the same commitment to raising a family in a particular way, so we're on the same page. So even at that point, I still didn't have a male mentor. And as you well know, men aren't particularly good at talking to each other or being open in their communication. So dads don't sit around in father's groups like moms do in mother's groups and share their experiences and share helpful advice. Dads almost said it's a badge of honor to not ask for advice, which is not necessarily a good thing. Back in my generation, at least, I think it's improving, and I think there's more content education available to young fathers. So I've had to say my wife because we had a a firm commitment to raising our children in a certain way, and that was the way we wanted to do it. Joe Bovell [00:15:15]: So no. I didn't actually still at that point have a male influence on my life other than what I read or digested online. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:23]: Now you mentioned that in what you wrote that one of the things that you really wanted to do was provide a safe and secure upbringing for your kids, free from the struggles that you faced. So talk to me about how you balanced protecting them while also allowing them to learn and grow from the challenges that they would face as they grew up. Joe Bovell [00:15:45]: The provision of the safe family unit again, I've gotta give my wife credit for that as well. I I can't claim all of that. I think a lot of that happened in the background and that they weren't necessarily aware of that, and perhaps they got given too much. That's probably one of the other struggles I have. And that is there an...
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Doug Veal's Transition: Redefining Roles from Detective to Devoted Dad
06/10/2024
Doug Veal's Transition: Redefining Roles from Detective to Devoted Dad
This week on the Dads with Daughters Podcast, we welcome Doug Veal, a devoted father and past Police Detective. In this episode we dive deep into learning more about Doug's journey and what he had to do to be the dad that he knew that he wanted to be. The Pivot to Parenthood When Doug Veal discovered he would become a father, the ensuing excitement was matched by an awareness of his wife's heart condition. The joy of fatherhood came with a responsibility to pivot his focus from being a police officer to providing for his family during their medical journey. Veal's decision to take parental leave, an unusual step in law enforcement culture, underscored the emerging shift in parental roles and the importance of being present during critical family moments. Taking leave amid the challenges of a demanding career, Veal showed that fatherhood demanded flexibility, courage, and an unabashed willingness to break from tradition. Shaping a Legacy Doug Veal's discernment in prioritizing family well-being over career progression serves as a testament to the evolving nature of fatherhood. Inspired by his belief in being a balanced role model and the potential of his children's future, Veal's journey from the force to becoming a stay-at-home dad exemplifies the sacrifice and adaptability required in modern parenting. He advises fathers to be patient and considerate in their interactions with challenges, knowing that these qualities shape their legacy far beyond tangible achievements. The Power of Community and Support Acknowledging the pressures and complexities associated with his transition, Veal harnessed the support of employee assistance programs and peer support groups to navigate stressful periods. His experiences highlight the crucial role of community in providing different perspectives and shared experiences. Belonging to a network of fathers allows for a collective wisdom that individual experience alone cannot replicate, providing grounding and solidarity in the adventure of fatherhood. Maximizing Family Time In today's world where work encroaches on personal life, Veal emphasizes the importance of boundary setting. Whether it's outdoor adventures or being present from morning till school time, he urges fathers to maximize quality interactions with their children. Veal's proactive approach to fatherhood—choosing meaningful experiences over work commitments—serves as a powerful reminder to dads about the essence of being present and cherishing fleeting moments. Reflecting on Being a Dad In the 'fatherhood 5' segment, Veal refers to fatherhood as an adventure while sharing fond memories like his son's merit for respect. His vision for the future is to be seen as fun, involved, and particularly, available. This segment cements the notion that fatherhood is an evolving journey marked by pivotal moments that shape not only the life of the child but also the personal growth of the father. You can learn more about Doug's journey as a father in the new book by Sarah Maconachie, . TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to walk with you on this journey that you're on. And to be honest, you and I are on this same journey together because I've got 2 daughters, you've got daughters, and it's always important to be able to learn from each other and be willing to learn from each other, but also to learn from others to help us to be the dads that we wanna be. And we do that every week by having some great conversations to delve deeper into what it means to be a dad, but also we get to learn from other dads in the journeys that they've been on to be able to help them to be the dads that they've become. And this week we've got another great guest on the show. You might remember that we had a one of our past guests, Sarah McConachie, was on the show just recently talking about her new book that is out called Work Hard, Parent Hard. And she's got books for dads and moms. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:23]: And we talked about her book for dads. And from talking to her, I got an opportunity to be able to get connected with some of the dads that she connected with in her book. And today we've got one of those dads with us. Doug Veal is with us, and he's a father of 2 sons. And he's going to talk a little bit about some of his own journey, not only with his 2 sons, some of the journey that he went on to go from working. And I'm not going to share too much yet because we're going to be talking about what he did, but working in the police force to becoming a stay at home dad and working with his dad, taking advantage of time to be there for his kids and and really delving a little bit deeper on that. So I'm really excited to have him on. Doug, thanks so much for being here today. Doug Veal [00:02:06]: Yeah. Thank you for having me. I'm really excited. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:08]: I'm excited to have you here as well. And first and foremost, I love being able to turn the clock back in time. So I wanna go back a couple of years, and I wanna turn the clock back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father. What was going through your head? Doug Veal [00:02:24]: I've always wanted to be a dad. I was really, really keen, but I wanted to make sure that we were set up in the best position we could be. And that said, we weren't really planning to have kids as early as we did, and I think it was about 6 months after we got married, to be honest. And it was, yeah, just absolute excitement, and then just that moment of going, oh, okay. Now the things are getting serious. Now we need to plan. So it's a pivotal moment, and it was a case of, alright. How do we well, what do we go from here? So I knew that the impact that it was gonna have on my wife and I was gonna be slightly more complicated than just, that overwhelming joy and excitement because my wife had a heart condition, so we needed to look at how that was gonna impact her health and, what that would mean. Doug Veal [00:03:12]: I think it's the common thing would be, yeah, we had a lot of excitement and a lot of nervousness to go, okay, what happens next? And how do we bring that into our lives? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:20]: Now you just brought up, one of the things that I I know that you dealt with very early on and not only through the pregnancy, but into the birth of your first child, which was that your wife did have some health challenges. She had a heart condition and had to have some significant heart surgery after the birth of your first child. So as a part of that, I know that you had to do some pivoting. You had been working as a police officer for many years, doing work with your government as well. Just very involved in the work that you had done in your career. Talk to me about first and foremost, so at the birth of your child and the health issues of your wife, I know that you had to take a more supportive role during your wife's health challenges. And how did that impact your approach to parenting and work life balance? Doug Veal [00:04:10]: On the lead up, so when Edison was born, he's my my first son. And when he was born, I knew that I'll be taking the time off. I knew that my work was especially replacing the benefits that I had access to allowed me to take that time off, and I took 3 months off. There were some interesting conversations with some detective senior sergeants. At the time, I was working as a detective investigator doing money laundering investigations at state crime level and then moved into corruption invest in a corruption task force. And the discussions initially to take that time off were quite challenging. I was talking to a quite seasoned and, I'd say, old school detective who hadn't really understood the support mechanisms that we like to try and enjoy at the moment. And I'm I'm really glad that we do have access to things such as parental leave. Doug Veal [00:05:02]: And I'm really glad that we've got access to things like parental leave, and we've got those supports and that the decision making for those to access that leave isn't to your immediate supervisor or to your district. It goes beyond that. It's on a more of a government level because being under that umbrella of a government employee. I think it was access or the pivot. So when Edison came along, I was going to be playing a a large role. I took took that time. It was time that I knew that I would like, but it was also time knowing that my wife had a caesarean section. There was some further support that was needed. Doug Veal [00:05:41]: So I really cherish that the month after Edison was born, being able to offer that support to be able to get that really good contact and to get to know my son and actually will rewind a little bit immediately after he was born. Well, the birth itself was quite an interesting birth. I think we had 27 people in the room for a cesarean section, which was quite a dramatic affair. So we had the normal surgery team. We had NICU people because Edison was slightly premature because there was some complications, and then we had a full cardio surgery team on standby to have given a 30% chance that my wife would have a cardiac event immediately following the delivery. So Edison was born, cried, and it was the best thing I'd ever heard, followed by the most scared I've ever been because now came the danger period. So after delivery, Edison went to the NICU and my wife, Nicola, went to the ICU. And I was in an interesting position I hadn't really planned for because do I walk one way or do I go the other way? Do I go to where my wife was or do I go to where my new child was? And I'm not gonna say we're trying no. Doug Veal [00:06:55]: I went I went, to where my son was and making sure that I could jog between the 2 because they were all housed in the same hospital. So that really cemented to me that I needed to take that time to make sure that us as a family unit, we're gonna be having the healing that we needed to be able to get through the next stages. So after 3 months, I did go back to work. And then knowing that after a few months, Nicola would need to have that heart surgery. So I ended up having open heart surgery. Again, that put me in a position of having an extended period of leave. And then almost it was 6 months to the day after the heart surgery, we fell pregnant with our second son, Terrence. That's quite funny. Doug Veal [00:07:38]: I can pinpoint the exact moment. One of them we found out and second of when the dirty deed happened because I was in between army training blocks, and I only came home for a weekend, which is quite an interesting little time peg, to be honest. But it's been quite the journey on the health front and the children front. But as far as making the decision or my decision to to leave placing, there was a few things that had occurred throughout the first pregnancy that I was slightly uncomfortable with as far as decision making and my ability to be able to invest what I normally do, which would be about 60 to 80 hour week because there's exactly what we're doing now. Part of the investigations were overseas. It was a case of you can't let off on the tempo when you're fully involved in an investigation. I wasn't in a position that I wanted to continue doing that. It was a choice that I made to take a step back. Doug Veal [00:08:36]: It's not something that I could've continued down that path in my current career choice. So I'm just saying I'd have to take my foot off the gas on the detective front. My transition to back to uniform. I was promoted after my leave, which was quite good. It was saying that was quite important to me knowing that I could access those entitlements and then that not having a lasting impact on my career after being warned by my detective senior sergeant that it would have an impact. It was quite good that it wasn't the case. However, a 3 panel roster is unforgiving for anyone else out in the law enforcement community and just shift work generally. Knowing that I did have weeks when my boys were quite young not seeing them, because we would have a, you know, starting a shift at 4 PM and then coming home at 2 o'clock to sleep until 10. Doug Veal [00:09:28]: It's not really a family friendly roster. So there was too much impetus on my career at the time, and that needed to change. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:36]: I appreciate you sharing that. Now, one of the things you just talked about was the fact that, you know, as a police officer, there's a culture, there's a expectation in regards to the work that you're required to do and probably some old school mentality versus new school mentality as it comes to thinking about parenting and being present in your kids' lives. You've mentioned the fact that you took some extended parental leave as you were a police officer, and that might not have been the norm at the time in regards to what you were doing. What motivated you to prioritize family time and to set your career on the back seat for yourself as you were focusing and putting the effort on your family versus the career at the time? Doug Veal [00:10:28]: Yeah. And I think this gets to the heart of the issue of of that balance. I've always had quite strong role models. So I looked at how my father was and the parts that I wanted to emulate and then the parts that I didn't wanna emulate, knowing that he's human like everyone. There's there's part, and he was a different situation. But looking at how I could shape my situation and knowing I had access to those lives, but also knowing that I get to shape the reality for my children. Parents have such a large influence about especially early on in what you can expose your kids to, how you can show value, how you can demonstrate those or model behaviors. That you know that your 2 year old, your 3 year old, your 5 year old's gonna emulate. Doug Veal [00:11:14]: So really wanting to set that strong role model and give them a balanced perspective. It's not about just being a champion or being an ideal or just a figure. So I look at who I've looked up to and which leaders and things that I've gone, oh, I wanna be like that person, and then started to really look down and go, well, I like them for 1 attribute or 2 attributes or a behavior, not across a set of behaviors. So I really knew that I needed to balance out and not just be one one figure. So and I think a turning point came to me, and it was an interesting one. I think it hit quite hard. So I got my army photos, and I've got my policing photos, and some parts where I've been at training, and some parts where I've done some other tactical training. And boys being boys, fascinated with guns. Doug Veal [00:12:08]: And then I had my 3 year old come up to me and ask me, basically, oh, so you're a policeman. You shoot people. And I was like, oh, this is a very difficult conversation, knowing that it's a touchy subject. And I'm not gonna go too much into that subject in this podcast. However, it was something that made me reflect and go, I need to really broaden the exposure or or how I present and to set that example for my children. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:35]: Now I know that in what you wrote in Sarah's book, you talked about the importance for you to access support through that journey for yourself being away from work, but also being present at home. Can you talk to me about the support services that you did take advantage of? I know you talked in your writing about employment assistant programs. How did seeking professional help contribute to your well-being during those stressful times that you were having, whether it be at work or at home? Doug Veal [00:13:09]: I've used the employee assistance program a number of times, and when I was able to engage it during the stress that we felt over the, pregnancy and through early childhood, it was a a huge benefit. It's like that I was able to go with Nicola and talk through some of the issues and talk through some of the difficulties that we're facing and trying to really put it in perspective. So looking at larger health concerns, we had a period where we bounced from crisis to crisis and where we actually struggled wasn't in the crisis times. It was in the periods of slightly less crisis because the priorities weren't quite as clear, yet there was still an enormous amount of things to be done. So accessing that support was really helpful in setting those priorities, talking through some things, and then getting beyond the immediate with some of the future planning. Another really good support that we've got, and I'm not sure if it's as prevalent in the US as it is in Australia. We've got dads groups, which are normally a Facebook group and you meet up at a park and it really grounds the fatherhood experience. You look at it and you go, oh, and it takes the edge off of what, yeah, the larger issues because you find out that there's 15, 20 different ways to deal with the same thing. Doug Veal [00:14:28]: For an example, Edison had clubfoot when he was born, and that was such an interesting experience, especially when I was I was taking that time off from work. I'll be taking Edison around the shops, And I'll get people stuff and go, oh, such a good dad and things of that nature. And he was on in a cast and things at that time, which was an interesting experience. And then I'll go out with my wife, and we'll get it just wasn't the same experience for her. It was always questions about how he broke his leg. And it's like, he hasn't broken his leg. So it was concerns about parenting so much more with my wife. And when I was out there, it was a conversation piece. Doug Veal [00:15:09]: So there was nothing but praise, which I found quite odd. Not saying take advantage and have some interesting conversations and enjoy it, but there was a big difference in the way that even saying it as small as going to the shops, the impact that that had. So talking through parts of that. And also I ended up joining a mother's group because I was the primary carer when Edison came. And I was sharing some experiences because my family had fostered for a large period of time. So I've always had kids in the house and quite young kids, which set me up a little bit, quite well for dealing with my kids. However, it's a completely different experience. I think we ended up in the mid nineties as far as the children that came for short stay through our house. Doug Veal [00:15:56]: So we had a range of different children with different backgrounds and experiences that we've worked through. So, yeah, quite interest. So back to the mother's group. So we were talking and we're sharing some experiences, and I could see that there were some people in the group that were getting quite fatigued and their resilience was quite down. And that was one of the huge benefits that we had with both of us being off work at the time or both of us being able to take some time off is that we could really get into some shift work and that wasn't a stranger for me. So I didn't mind doing some night shifts every so often. So going through the mother's grief and just trying to bring a bit of a calming influence of, yes, it will pass. There's a limited amount of things that the baby's going to be crying for and trying to bring something that I understand to be really quite an emotional experience down to, okay, hungry, wind, wet nappy. Doug Veal [00:16:49]: Like there's normally a finite amount of things that can be checked and...
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Recognizing Dads' Role in Raising Daughters: Building Bonds and Nurturing Independence With Sarah Maconachie
06/03/2024
Recognizing Dads' Role in Raising Daughters: Building Bonds and Nurturing Independence With Sarah Maconachie
Fatherhood and Active Participation In this week's Dads with Daughters podcast we got to speak with , a mindset coach and author, the focus was on the importance of active fatherhood in raising empowered daughters. In our conversation, Sarah emphasized the need for dads to be actively involved in their daughters' lives and the significance of being present, supportive, and open in their journey towards raising independent and strong women. Sarah shared her experiences and insights from her own upbringing and her work in advocating for equal parenting roles. Her perspectives shed light on the transformative power of involved fatherhood and the impact it can have on daughters' development. Challenging Stereotypes and Biases Sarah Maconachie's experiences and the stories she shared in her book, "," challenge traditional stereotypes and biases related to parenting roles. Her emphasis on breaking norms that confine fathers to being solely providers and not nurturing caregivers is a powerful message for dads and their involvement in their daughters' lives. It serves as a reminder that stereotypes and gender biases should not dictate the roles that fathers play in their children's lives. The Impact of an Involved Father One of the key takeaways from Sarah's insights is the immense impact of an involved father in a child's life. She highlighted the emotional support, presence, and active participation of her own father, emphasizing how it shaped her and her sisters, propelling them toward successful and fulfilling lives. This perspective underscores the pivotal role fathers play in instilling confidence, self-esteem, and strength in their daughters. It also reflects the idea that fatherhood goes beyond providing financial stability and encompasses emotional, mental, and social support crucial for their daughters' growth. Encouraging Open Communication Sarah's recollections of her father being a pillar of support during emotional upheavals and difficult phases is a testament to the significance of open communication within the parent-child relationship. Her father's approachability and willingness to engage with his daughters on a personal level created a secure environment for them to express their emotions and seek guidance. This highlights the importance of open dialogues and nurturing an environment where daughters feel comfortable confiding in their fathers. It's an essential aspect of fatherhood that fosters trust and empowers daughters to overcome challenges and become resilient individuals. Shifting the Paradigm The insightful conversation between Dr. Christopher Lewis and Sarah Maconachie outlined the need to challenge the existing societal norms and inspire a shift in the paradigm of fatherhood. Sarah's determination to make a change in the space of working parents and advocating for equal parenting roles stands as a beacon for shifting the traditional perceptions of parenting. Her work and dedication are geared towards creating a world where fathers are equally recognized as nurturing caregivers, capable of fostering their daughters' dreams, ambitions, and well-being. As you absorb Sarah's narrative, it becomes evident that empowering dads to be present, engaged, and supportive in their daughters' lives is a critical factor in building a generation of empowered women. Sarah's encouragement for dads to prioritize spending time with their children reinforces the idea that every moment invested in their daughters' lives profoundly impacts their growth and development. In this episode I found that Sarah Maconachie's insights brought to light the necessity of active fatherhood in shaping strong, independent women. Her work not only encourages dads to be present, nurturing, and communicative but also challenges societal norms, promoting gender equality in parenting roles. The takeaways from the podcast serve as a compelling call to action for dads to actively engage in their daughters' lives, fostering an environment where girls can thrive and reach their full potential. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, I love being on this journey that you and I are both on to find ways to be able to be the best dads that we can be, to raise our daughters to be those strong, independent women that we want them to be. And I know, you know, it's not always easy. It there's not Oh, there's going to be bumps in the road. There's going to be times where you are going to hit your head up against the wall, and you're gonna say, oh, my gosh. There has to be a better way. And that's why this podcast is here is to give you resources, allow for you to meet other people, learn from other people, and gain some insights into the journey that they are on as parents, but also learn from them in regards to the journey that they're on in raising daughters or in finding other resources that are out there that can help you to do just that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:20]: Every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different people that have different things that they can share with you. Sometimes it's mom, sometimes it's dads. You know, there's people from across lots of different spectrums. And I am so happy that you come back every week and take a listen in to learn to be a little vulnerable and be willing to open yourself up to learning as well. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Sarah McConachie is with us today. And Sarah is a mindset coach for parents. She is an author. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:55]: She has a brand new book that we're gonna be talking about called . And don't all of us sometimes feel like we're balancing stuff and trying to work day to day and and trying to balance this thing called fatherhood. And when I saw that she had written this book, I definitely wanted to have her on to be able to talk not only about the book, but about her own journey in being a mother to a daughter as well and to kids to be able to bring that perspective in as well. Sarah, thanks so much for joining us today. Sarah Maconachie [00:02:27]: Hi. And thank you so much for having me. I'm very excited to be on here. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:31]: I'm really excited to have you on as well. You know, one of the things that I would love to do before we even jump into the concept of this book that you wrote. So you are a mother of 2 girls and you're a female yourself. I know what it's like to raise daughters myself and what it was like as a father. But for you jumping in to being a mother of daughter, what was going through your head? And I know your oldest is a daughter, so that was your first. Talk to me about that journey for you. And what did you have to do to either prepare yourself to be a mother to a daughter, or what were the surprises that came with it that you didn't expect? Sarah Maconachie [00:03:06]: That's a really good question. I was very excited to have a daughter. I'm one of 3 girls and I had a great upbringing and I love my sisters. And so I was excited to have a girl because I was excited to potentially have what I had when I was growing up. And I think as a female as well, I'm a very determined lady, as are my sisters. All 3 of us have really done very well in life. We've got really good careers, and I'm a bit of a feminist from that perspective. I love gender equality, and I was quite excited to raise a strong, powerful girl. Sarah Maconachie [00:03:44]: I have to say that really excited me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:47]: So talk to me a little bit about your own father. And you said you had a great upbringing. And you and your sisters definitely were given some things to help you to spread your wings, to be able to become the people that you are today. What did your father do specifically that you feel helped to pave the way for you to become the person that you are today? Sarah Maconachie [00:04:09]: The biggest thing, he was present. He was very present. He absolutely adores us all. He absolutely adores his 3 girls. He's a very blokey bloke. My dad. He's a sportsman. He played rugby, golf, squash. Sarah Maconachie [00:04:24]: You name it. He played it. So for him, I think he always wanted boys because the natural, you know, you want the sport, you want this and then the other. And he had 3 girls and it was probably the best thing for him. We all love something that he relates to, so he's got one that loves rugby, and he watches rugby with her. My other sister and I did lots of athletics and did lots of sport ourselves. So he got to do that with us. And the most important thing for him, though, was he was there. Sarah Maconachie [00:04:52]: He was a teacher, so he was at home at dinner time. And my memories of growing up were of us altogether. My dad was very, very present and he was just as involved as my mum was. And he supported us a lot when we went through breakups, boyfriends, friends, this, that and the other. It was actually our dad that we went to because he's a very soft person in that respect, and he was really lovely and really approachable from those emotional rollercoasters that we went on. He was really good at dealing with it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:25]: So talk to me a little bit about you said that when those big emotional times came, you went to your father. And that's not always the case in every in every situation and every family dynamic. So what was it that your dad did to allow for you to feel that he was the person that you could go to when those things came up that opened that door for communication, for dialogue, for you to feel safe to go To him in those moments of need, Sarah Maconachie [00:05:57]: just always, he would always bring it up with us. I mean, mom would know what was going on because moms know everything and she would obviously talk to my dad and then he would come to us and say, this is happening. He'd give us a big hug and he would just tell us that everything would be okay. And it's just a phase in our life and that we have to go through these things. And he was just really caring and really supportive. And he would come to us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:24]: Now from all of this work that your father did in helping you and your sisters to become who you are today, I'm sure that as you grew and flew out of the nest, you and I talked before this, you you've been a world traveler and you have really explored. So talk to me about you leave England, you go to the United States, you end up in Australia. What's the one piece of advice that he gave you that you hold on to today that you look back on and say that was so meaningful? Sarah Maconachie [00:06:59]: The biggest thing was for me, and it's not actually that long ago, moving to Australia. Obviously my mom very upset because I was actually really close. Well, I still am. I've always been very, very close to my mum. I was always the mommy's girl and I'm the one that flew the nest. So she's always struggled with it, understandably. And they came to Australia when I had first met my husband, I think. And I think they could finally see that I was settled, and I've met a lovely man. Sarah Maconachie [00:07:30]: And I think that was a big factor for them. And my dad just loved it here. He absolutely loved it. And I just remember having a chat with him over a few drinks where all the good conversations happen, and he said, I'm just so happy that you're happy. And as long as you're happy, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. I just can see the happiness in you. And for me, that's all I need. And that's always stuck with me because it's true and that's what I would want for my children. Sarah Maconachie [00:07:58]: You just want them to be happy. And although it sacrifices my parents' happiness with me being this far away to a degree, I think that, you know, my dad's able to really remove himself to a degree and be like, I just want you to be happy. And that's all that matters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:14]: Now earlier today, you talked about that you see yourself as a feminist. You're raising daughters now. Talk to me about what did your dad do to support that feminism that you have within yourself? But also, what are you doing to now encourage your own kids? And they're young, and maybe you're not doing that much yet. But what do you hope to do as they get older to inspire that same sense of feminism in them as they get older? Sarah Maconachie [00:08:42]: Look, as I sort of outlined, both of my parents were always very supportive of whatever we wanted to do. I mean, I'm a big dreamer and my mum and dad will often roll their eyes at me and be like, here we go again. But I always achieve what I've say, what I've said I'm going to go out and do. So now the eye rolling has gone down a little bit. But with all 3 of us, they were just supportive of our hopes and dreams. They, you know, encouraged us to go to university. They encouraged us to do what we wanted to do. That was gonna whatever was gonna make us happy. Sarah Maconachie [00:09:13]: They encouraged us to do it, And they gave us good boundaries to make sure we stayed on the straight and narrow. And they both just really raised us to follow our dreams and to do what it was that we wanted to do to make us happy. I think that's the same for me. It's about being able to really express those personality traits that are hard in children, but actually are going to be magical when they're adults. And I notice this with my own daughter, My eldest in particular is very defiant. She really likes to think she rules the roost in this house. And to be honest, she probably does, But she also goes through the city and says, mom, when I grow up, I want to work at the on the top floor of the biggest building. And I'm like, you know what, girl, you go for it. Sarah Maconachie [00:10:00]: And she's very determined. She's going to win her kindy carnival. She is only getting A's. She asked me recently, what happens when you get an f? I don't even know where she's got this from. And I was like, well, you know, it doesn't matter. And she was like, it won't matter anyway, mom, because I'll only get As. She's 4. The determination of this child is just outrageous. Sarah Maconachie [00:10:21]: But, you know, instead of trying to squash that, I try and manage her expectations. But I also am like, you know what? If you've got the determination to go out and get it, then go and get it. I'm not gonna squash that because it's a really great trait to have. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:36]: Now I mentioned the fact that you have a new book that's out called Working Dads and Balancing Acts, and you have another book that called Working Mothers Inspiring Others, but specifically about this book about fathers. And I guess first and foremost, I I love to get the origin stories. As an author myself, I know how much time and effort and passion have to go into the creation of these books. And it takes a lot of time and effort and planning and passion to be able to get to that finish line so that you can get that out into the world. What was it about this topic that really inspired you to want to write this and get this out into the world? Sarah Maconachie [00:11:23]: I need to try not to ramble on for too long when I answer this because it comes from a big piece. So the way that I was raised, as I said, I was raised in a very equal house. And I think that even for my generation, that's quite rare. I remember having a conversation with my sister. I started blogging and writing a lot around working parents, but I wrote a lot about dads as well as moms because I just think that there's so much out there for mothers, but there's just not enough for dads. And there's there's not really a voice for dads, I felt, that really depicted the change in society and the way that things are changing. So I was having this conversation with my sister and I was like, oh, it's really funny that all 3 of hers are in very equal relationships. Our husbands are very involved with our children. Sarah Maconachie [00:12:11]: It's very fiftyfifty in the way that we parent. And in studying mindset, it really does go back to that belief system and how you're raised and that programs, how you then raise your own children and the way that you sort of deliver your own life is very much to do with the environment that you are raising yourself. So all 3 of us have really replicated the way that we were raised, which is amazing. And so we were kind of talking about it and I was like, but it just seems so easy that we are so equal in our household, in our relationship. But I also feel like that's because we're such strong females. We communicate what it is that we need our husbands to do as husbands and as fathers. And that communication piece and that learning piece really has enabled us to foster those relationships and that equality for our own children as well. So it kind of evolved from that, and that way of thinking that I was thinking more and more about dad, particularly in the workplace. Sarah Maconachie [00:13:18]: I'm very passionate about working as a mum and being able to create that balance. And I went through a process that I think a lot of mums do go through where I took a job that was really junior and about a quarter of what I'd previously been earning so that I could have flexibility to be able to look after my children as well as have a career. And as I went through a mindset journey myself and I really regained my own purpose, my own worth, and what it is that I needed for me, I realized how much that actually occurs, especially in women. But to solve the problem with that, there needs to be also work for dad. It needs to be a double edged sword. You can't just say, here you go, women are mothers in the workplace. Here's all the things for you, flexible working, whatever it is that you need. What are you also doing for dads for them to be able to take that load, which many dads actually want to do anyway, and to be able to really create that balance so that women can be doing that working and parenting, but so can dads. Sarah Maconachie [00:14:28]: So it really stemmed from that view, and I just decided to write these books. It just came out of nowhere to be honest, and I was like, I just want stories from mums and dads of their journeys that will help to support and provide advice and guidance for other moms and dads out there that want to work and have that balance of being a parent as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:53]: Now I know in the book you talk to fathers and you talk to a number of different fathers. Talk to me about some of the biggest takeaways as you were talking to them that you incorporated into the book that you hope that people are going to be taking out of reading the book itself? Sarah Maconachie [00:15:12]: Well, the chapters are directly from the dads themselves. So they have shared completely their own stories, which is amazing because it's different voices and it's completely their journeys, which I love. So there's a few things in there that are real takeaways for me. There's one who came who didn't have a father who came from a really difficult upbringing and his journey of trying to navigate fatherhood when he had no role model himself, is really incredible and really moving, but also he shares so much emotion around what he didn't share in terms of his own journey and how scared he was to become a dad because he just didn't know what that looked like and what that was as a role. So that was one real key aspects that I loved. Another one is a partner of...
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Crafting Wonder in Childhood: Lessons from Gregg Behr and Mister Rogers
05/27/2024
Crafting Wonder in Childhood: Lessons from Gregg Behr and Mister Rogers
**Seizing Accidental Moments** Fatherhood is an expedition without a clear map, each phase of our children's lives an uncharted territory waiting to be explored. On today's Dads with Daughters podcast we welcomed to discuss wonder and parenting. Behr, the executive director of the Grable Foundation and a father of two, reflects on the journey that began with trepidation upon learning he was going to be a father to a daughter. Amid fears and dreams, he emphasized his role in ensuring his daughters have 'outrageous confidence' in themselves. This emotional connection to fatherhood resonates with many dads, who similarly navigate gender biases and aspire to protect their daughters from the doubts the world may cast. But Behr offers a perspective shift: difficulties in parenting are universal. Yet, as a 'girl dad,' he feels a unique joy and asserts there’s no hard part to being a father to daughters when the heart focuses on the small, joyous discoveries they bring into life. **The Power of Intentionality** Life's unpredictability can thrust accidental moments of connection to the forefront of our fatherly experiences, as Behr discovered during prolonged periods of single parenting. These unexpected times can surprisingly foster deep bonds and familiarize us with the nuanced layers of our children’s personalities. Dr. Lewis reiterated the importance of embracing these accidental, seemingly mundane moments. These slices of daily life hold the potential for lasting significance in both the parent and child's heart. **Infusing Wonder into Every Day** Shifting gears, the episode delved into Behr's co-authored book ',' inspired by none other than Fred Rogers of 'Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.' Embracing Rogers' vision, Behr shared insights into being a deliberate learner and listener, and the ways in which he integrated these values into fatherhood and philanthropy work. He emphasized the importance of wonder and curiosity, traits often lost as we transition into adulthood. Yet, in mirroring behaviors of joy and wonder for our children, we counter the inevitable dimming of creativity that life tends to impose. **Beyond the Podcast: Living Lessons** The dialogue on 'Dads with Daughters' extended beyond theory, as Behr recounted applying Fred Rogers' wisdom to difficult discussions with his daughters. Whether addressing complex questions about safety and race or fostering daily habits rooted in amazement, Behr embraced the opportunity to wonder and wander through life's maze with his daughters by his side. Dr. Lewis and Behr's exchange serves as a potent reminder: fatherhood, while fraught with challenges, is a terrain ripe with accidental marvels and intentional teachings. The episode epitomizes the podcast's mission to aid dads in nurturing strong, independent women and the reciprocal growth that fatherhood engenders. As we pull away from the microphone and the echoes of Behr's stories and insights fade, we are left with the enduring notion that to be a dad with daughters is to be an architect of wonder, festooning the foundation of fatherhood with loving, intentional moments crafted from the everyday tapestry of life. 'Dads with Daughters' offers a community where such architectural feats are not only recognized but celebrated, as we all strive to be the best dads we can be, helping our daughters ascend into their own era of wonder. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to dads with daughters where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, we come every week and we have great conversations and I love being able to walk beside you as you are figuring this thing out called fatherhood. Every day is a journey, and every phase of life that your kids are in is a journey. And I'm just glad to be able to have these conversations and be able to be a part of it with you. Fatherhood can feel alone at times, but it doesn't have to be. And it is so important to be able to connect with other dads, to be able to create community, to be able to learn and be open to learn about things that may help you to be a better dad. And that's why every week I love being able to bring you different guests, people that have gone before you that are doing this alongside you as well, that have their own daughters and are learning along the way to be able to help you, to be able to give you some perspective, some insights, some things that might help you as you move forward in your own fatherhood journey. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:28]: This week, we've got another great guest with us. Greg Baer is with us. And Greg is the executive director of the Grable Foundation, but he's also a father of 2 daughters. And we're gonna be talking about his own journey as a father, but we're also gonna be talking about the a journey that he had in not only writing a book, but really bringing a new perspective into his own fatherhood journey, which was that looking at the concept of wonder. And we're gonna talk about that. So we'll get to that in just a few moments. But the first and foremost, I am just really excited to have Greg here. Greg, thanks so much for being here today. Gregg Behr [00:02:05]: Chris, I am absolutely honored to be here, and I love how you described figuring it out because I feel like I'm gonna be figuring out fatherhood right in front of you right now. I Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:15]: think you're giving yourself too little credit because I think you're doing some good things, and we're gonna talk about those things. But first and foremost, one of the things that I love doing is turning the clock back in time. And you've got 2 daughters, so I wanna go back. I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Gregg Behr [00:02:32]: I was scared. I think probably like a lot of dads. It's not that I necessarily wanted a boy. We were hopeful for kids. We were hopeful for a healthy child. And when we learned it's a girl, I remember thinking, I don't know anything about girls. I wasn't raised in a family with sisters. Oh my gosh. Gregg Behr [00:02:50]: What am I going to do? And so there was joy about we're pregnant, joy about, the pregnancy going well and worry about what do I need to know? What do I need to learn? I knew enough at the time to know my number one job in their lives is to make sure that they just have outrageous confidence about themselves and what they can do in the world. And that so that that compass has always stayed with me from the very beginning before the moment they entered this world. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:20]: Now I I've heard that before from other dads, from pretty much every father that I talked to, that fear comes with not only fatherhood, but being a father to a daughter. And I guess first and foremost, as you think about that fear, what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Gregg Behr [00:03:36]: Yeah. Chris, I think it was just it was that I didn't know what I didn't know. I think I fast forwarded all the way from 0 to puberty and I'd like to think that I noticed enough about the world to know that there's gender bias and things might be a little bit harder for a girl than it is for a boy. And so I immediately had that, like, I wanna be a bear dad who is, like, really protective of her daughter because she's gonna be amazing, and I want her to have all sorts of possibilities in this world, and I'm gonna fight off all of the gremlins who are going to poison her with doubt or get in her way because she's gonna be every bit of what she wants to be as a boy could be. Like, they seem like silly things to say out loud, but, like, these were thoughts in my head at the time. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:18]: And I think that that goes through a lot of dad's heads. And as you move along, between those different phases in your kids' lives. You learn a little bit more, not only about yourself, but about your daughters. You learn that the differences may not be as different, even though they are. I mean, there there's definite differences there. What would you say has been the hardest part for you in being a father to daughters? Gregg Behr [00:04:40]: There's no hard part. There's honestly, there's just joy. Like the hard part hearkens back to something you said a moment ago. It's just hard being a parent. It's hard being a dad. I can't imagine living in this world without being a girl dad because I'm now the dad of 2 girls. And I will say Chris, we lost a child in between our 2 girls. And so I remember thinking when we had a healthy pregnancy and we were knew we were gonna have a second child, I was actually begging at that point. Gregg Behr [00:05:06]: I'm like, I want a girl. Right? Like, I fell in love with my first little girl, and I knew I'd fall in love with my second little girl. And I guess at the time, we had friends who had babies and young kids, and I was like, boys are crazy. What is wrong with that species over there? And I really wanted a girl. Like, I feel so lucky to have 2 healthy girls. I would have been happy with 10 girls. These young women now they're ages 10 12. They are strong and confident and powerful and fun. Gregg Behr [00:05:35]: They have good hearts, smart brains. Like, I love being around them. I guess I don't know at this point what it would be like to be the dad of a boy, but I feel so blessed to have these 2 girls. And it's just the hard part is just trying to be a good parent every day in the mundane little things in their lives, because it's those mundane things that I know add up to the big things. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:54]: Now with 2 kids, you have to find that balance to be able to create those unique relationships with each of them because each child is unique. Many times when you have more than one child, the personalities are very different. So talk to me about how you've been able to cultivate, how you've been able to work to develop those unique relationships with both your daughters. Gregg Behr [00:06:17]: Chris, I think in some ways, I've I've tried to be deliberate and intentional about this, and in some ways, I've been accidental. So let me explain. So in terms of being deliberate and intentional, even though I'm a workaholic and I probably don't give enough attention to my family, my personal life, my kids, the way that I should, I do try and be deliberate about the time that I spend with them during the time, you know, when I'm able to be home, when they get home from after school, they get home at different hours, their bed routines, and spending some time with them before they go to bed. And also because we have 2, my wife and I are often going in different directions because, So I try and be really deliberate about the time that we have cars together or on the sidelines or in a gym or whatever it might be. And just I try and be really mindful about being alongside them, not as a friend, but as a parent. The accidental part is this. So during these past 2 years, my wife's father, my father-in-law fell he became quite ill and ultimately passed. And I mentioned this to say that he lives a long distance away, half a world away. Gregg Behr [00:07:28]: And so what was thrust upon us as a family was that my wife was gone for long intervals at a time over a 2 year period. And there were, there were many months. I mean, we're talking more than 6, 7, 8 months that it was just me, single working dad with my 2 girls. And I don't wish this on anyone. It's hard. Honestly, Chris, I have no idea how single parents get by in this world having had a small window into that. And I will say this time when there was just the 3 of us, our relationship is so fundamentally different than it was previous to that. And there's a closeness and I really got to know both girls really well because I, you know, I had to spend time whether I wanted to or not. Gregg Behr [00:08:05]: Right? Like, I had to spend time with them in all sorts of household activities, in their school and extracurricular activities, just in their lives in general, in the little chat, you know, mini breaks and things we try to take, in the vacations, or even just walking in the neighborhood. And it's this accidental time that I'm unexpectedly grateful for. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:24]: Accidental time. I love that concept because I think that many times in the small moments when you come home from work and your child asks you to come in or they want to just they ask you to sit down and do something with them. Those can be accidental moments. Those can be those moments that become very important to the child and to you. And as they get older, it's not always easy to find that time, or that they want to spend the time. But it's important to take advantage of that time when they give it to you. Gregg Behr [00:09:00]: Chris, I just wanna celebrate what you just said. Right? Because one one of the things I learned during this period is exactly what we described. Now that we're lucky enough to be back together as a family, it's still noticing those moments, those mundane moments where accidental things might happen or when one of my daughters comes to me and says, hey, daddy. Can you take a break? Or can you play this game with me? And and I'm now much better, although I could always be better. I'm much better about noticing those moments and taking advantage of them. Because I I know that quip that people say all the time that the days are long, the years are short, but until you experience that, you don't really understand that. And so when one of my kids comes to me or if there's a moment, I try and be much more intentional than I was previously about spending that time with them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:43]: It is so important to find that time and to have that special time because as you said, the the years are short. I've come to find that and they go by really fast, especially as your child gets older, they get involved in more things in the years just fly by. And people tell you that, especially when you have young kids and you're like, that's not the case. You know, it's gonna be a heck of a long time until they're 18, a heck of a long time until they're in college. And I got all the time in the world. And then in a blink of an eye, it is over and things change again. So you have to be present in the moment in that regard, because it is fleeting. Even though it may seem long, if you have young children now, it does go by fast. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:28]: And you definitely have to take advantage of that. Now, I know that every father has moments that are memorable, especially moments individually with your children, where you've been able to create those special memories, the special experiences, what have been the most memorable experiences that you've been able to have thus far as a father with your daughters? Gregg Behr [00:10:50]: There are some moments with my girls that we've repeated because they're Monday moments that we've made special. In the fall, it's often the case. I love college football. College football could be on the TV which we can see from the kitchen and my girls and I love making homemade pizzas from scratch or when the snow comes and maybe every time the snow comes now pouring maple syrup on fresh snow and eating that and celebrating that, or just holidays. Like we make big deals in my family of birthdays and holidays like Christmas and New Year's and Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. It's all of those little daily life things. And it's also true that some of our more special times together are when we're unburdened by work or the errands we have to run because we've gone away. Gregg Behr [00:11:36]: You know, we've gotten away for a weekend or we've been able lucky enough, privileged enough to schedule a trip. And even though, Chris, I'm I'm the sort of person that makes lists and I'm pretty deliberate and intentional about my work, When I travel, I like to go trucking. Right? Like, where is this road gonna take us? Or, I just read about this farmer's market in this part of Montreal. Let's go see what it's like. Right? A lot of unplanned time and I feel like those moments of unplanned time end up yielding the most special opportunities. Like, oh, remember we had that cheese or, like, remember we stumbled upon that zipline and we went ziplining over these beautiful mountains. Right? Like, it's those, I feel like, Chris, those most special moments are, you know, maybe it's the deliberate trucking or the deliberate exploration without a road map or a a plan for where we're gonna walk to that day, but it's those moments that I think as a family, we treasure the most. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:29]: The moments that you just talked about and the things that you're reflecting on make me really think about the fact that you are an author of a book called when you wonder you're learning. And in your book, you really dive deep into the concept of wonder, and really bring some of the lessons that mister Rogers brought out into the world in my formative years and the formative years of some of you as well. And I guess first and foremost, as we delve into this, I'm really interested in the concept of this book and the concept of wonder. But I'm also interested in the origin story of this because, I mean, mister Rogers definitely had a strong impact on people of a certain age, we'll say, of people that grew up with his teachings. Some others are just still are were introduced to him after the fact, through reruns and things like that. But what made you and your colleague, Ryan Radetzky, decide that you wanted to delve deeper into what mister Rogers was teaching and how any of us could capture wonder and put it into practice, whether it be a teacher in a classroom, or a father in his own home? Gregg Behr [00:13:47]: Thank you for that question, Chris, or us, what you need to know about me and my coauthor Ryan is that we're kids of Western Pennsylvania. I'm podcasting to you right now from Pittsburgh, which is significant because it's from Pittsburgh that Fred Rogers recorded mister Rogers' neighborhood for nearly 40 years at WQED, America's first public television station. And Fred Rogers himself is a native of Western Pennsylvania. So I mentioned that to say there's something in the water around here. Even though mister Rogers is an American icon, also a Canadian icon, he felt like he was ours. Right? And we had the experience of living in his midst, and and I had the privilege of of knowing him and subsequently his wife. And you mentioned earlier that I work at the Grable Foundation. I work in education philanthropy. Gregg Behr [00:14:33]: And so for a couple of decades now, I've I've been the luckiest kid in Pittsburgh who gets to figure out how to support amazing teachers and librarians and museum exhibit designers in places like schools and libraries and museums trying to make learning experiences better for kids and their parents, families, and caregivers. Great support for the learning landscape all around Western Pennsylvania. And you could imagine in the course of that work, we we, you know, we're trying to make sure we're doing our jobs well. So we're reading a lot about what makes for great learning experiences. And it was about 7 years ago that Ryan and I are reading these articles and peer reviewed pieces that come from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon right in our own yard or the University of Michigan, MIT, Stanford and beyond. And these wickedly smart learning scientists were writing papers that increasingly read to me and Ryan as if they...
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Effective Fatherhood: 5 Stones to Guide Your Journey with Nick Adams
05/20/2024
Effective Fatherhood: 5 Stones to Guide Your Journey with Nick Adams
In today's fast-paced world, the role of a father is evolving, and the importance of actively participating in one's daughter's life cannot be overstated. In this podcast episode, we have an insightful conversation with Nick Adams, a dedicated father of four and author of "." Through this discussion, Nick shares invaluable wisdom and experiences that shed light on the journey of fatherhood. His insights offer guidance on nurturing strong, independent daughters while navigating the complexities of being a father. Let's delve into the key takeaways from this engaging conversation. Fatherhood Defined: Relationship Building As the conversation unfolds, Nick truly encapsulates fatherhood in one word: relationship. This fundamental aspect is at the core of his approach to being a father to his daughters. Recognizing the influential power that fathers possess, Nick emphasizes the significance of focusing on building and nurturing a strong relationship with his children. This insight serves as a cornerstone for fathers looking to make a meaningful impact on their daughters' lives. Navigating Fear and Parental Insecurities Nick's candid reflections on the fears and insecurities he grappled with as he anticipated becoming a father to daughters resonate with many. His honest admission of feeling unprepared and inadequate highlights a common sentiment experienced by numerous fathers. By addressing these fears, Nick offers a relatable perspective that encourages fathers to acknowledge their vulnerabilities while embarking on the journey of fatherhood. Redefining Success as a Father A pivotal moment in the conversation arises when Nick reflects on the indicators of success as a father. His daughters' choices to actively engage in his work and to consider him not just as a father, but as one of their best friends, signify a profound sense of accomplishment for Nick. This reframing of success steers fathers away from external benchmarks and towards fostering relationships and open communication with their children. Individuality and Connection with Each Child Nick eloquently underscores the importance of recognizing and embracing the individuality of each child. Highlighting that what works for one child may not necessarily work for another, he imparts the wisdom of fostering unique relationships with each of his daughters. By valuing and understanding their distinct personalities, fathers are encouraged to tailor their approach to parenting, creating meaningful connections with their children. Balancing Career and Fatherhood With a busy schedule and a career that demands significant attention, Nick reflects on the necessity of finding balance between professional commitments and being an engaged father. His commitment to prioritizing his daughters' key events and establishing a consistent family dinner ritual underscores the significance of being present in their lives. Nick's experiences serve as a reminder for fathers to strive for balance in juggling their various responsibilities. Embracing Imperfection and Making Progress A striking aspect of Nick's insights is his emphasis on embracing imperfections while continuously striving for progress. By navigating the challenges of fatherhood with the mindset of making incremental strides, fathers are encouraged to alleviate the pressure of perfectionism. Nick's wisdom resonates as a reminder that the journey of fatherhood is about growth and connection, rather than achieving flawlessness. Advice for Every Father In a parting piece of advice, Nick extends a guiding principle to all fathers. He underscores the importance of understanding and supporting his children in becoming their authentic selves, rather than shaping them into a predetermined image. This profound insight emphasizes the transformative power of valuing individuality and empowering daughters to embrace their unique talents and aspirations. Nick Adams' profound insights and candid reflections offer a wealth of wisdom for fathers navigating the intricate path of raising strong, independent daughters. His invaluable experiences underscore the significance of relationship-building, the embrace of imperfection, and the quest for progress as fundamental principles in effective fatherhood. By leveraging Nick's insights, fathers can embark on their journey with renewed inspiration, equipped to nurture vibrant relationships with their daughters while striving to be the best dads they can be. Nick Adams' reflections highlight the transformative power of an engaged and empathetic father-daughter relationship, serving as a beacon of wisdom for fathers seeking to nurture meaningful connections with their children while navigating the rich tapestry of fatherhood. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:15]: Welcome back to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to work with you, to talk with you, to be able to be on this journey side by side with you, because it is a journey. Every day is a journey with our daughters. And no matter what age they're at, things are going to change and to be able to walk hand in hand side by side with other dads, learning from them is so important. And that's why I love being able to have this opportunity to talk to you every week because none of us have to do this alone. So often society makes it seem like we do have to, but that is not the case. There are so many fathers that have gone before us that have kids that have grown and flown, that have learned things and can share that learning with you, maybe your neighbor, but it could also be someone on the other end of your earphones. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:19]: And that's why every week I love being able to bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can share those experiences with you and help you along the journey that you're on. This week, we've got another great guest with us today. Nick Adams is with us. And Nick is dedicated to helping men understand the power of living into their strengths and dreams and provides actionable tools for the journey to authentic manhood. He is an author. He's a father of 4. So we're gonna be learning more about him and his journey as a father, and I'm really excited to have him here. Nick, thanks so much for being here today. Nick Adams [00:01:55]: Christopher, it's my pleasure. I'm looking forward. Even as you were introducing the show, I I just feel excited to see some of the phrases you use about connecting, not just when kids are young, but ongoing and having relationship that that's great. I'm excited about the show. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:09]: Well, I'm excited to have you on. And as I said, you're a father of 4. So first and foremost, what I love doing is turning the clock back in time. I know you have 2 daughters. So I'm gonna go all the way back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Nick Adams [00:02:23]: Oh, I mean, honestly, I was terrified because, like, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't really have a great role model as a father. And so I found myself expecting and not just expecting a child, but expecting a girl, which that's like, okay. I mean, at least I sort of understand guys. You know, I've I've never pretended to understand girls. And so, like, wow. It just really was pretty traumatizing. If not traumatized is wrong, it was scary and exciting. Nick Adams [00:02:53]: Oh my goodness. So exciting. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:54]: You definitely don't wanna forget that because your daughters won't let you live that down if that was the case. If you just say it was terrifying. So Nick Adams [00:03:00]: Yeah. It was both. Still is. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:02]: So I wanna hear about the terrifying piece because I hear from a lot of dads that raising daughters, that you definitely run into that there's fear that there's fear that comes with that. What was your biggest fear in raising daughters? Nick Adams [00:03:17]: Well, I mean, really my biggest fear wasn't centered specifically around daughters. It was centered around being a father. And and a lot of it just came from the fact that I didn't feel like I had a very good role model. And, you know, you hear people talking about, oh, you know, my dad told me every day or I heard over and over. This is, you know, a a life lesson I learned from my dad. And I was just like, I really don't have any of those, you know. And so I felt very inadequate and unprepared. And so I think that was my biggest fear because like probably most parents, after you realize you're having a daughter or a son or whatever it is you're having, you're just excited. Nick Adams [00:03:55]: It doesn't matter about the gender as long as I mean, my big thing was as long as they're healthy and we can have a a going forward and things to work out, I'm good. So my biggest fears were really surrounding being a dad. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:06]: So coming into fatherhood without that mentor, without that person that you could look to to say they did it right, and I wanna follow that example. How did you surround yourself or find other people as substitutes to be able to guide you in that journey that you were on? Nick Adams [00:04:24]: Yeah. Unfortunately, when I started down the journey of fatherhood, you weren't doing podcast. And so I couldn't find you. That would have been a great find. But I did just try to find other men who were further along in the journey and watch what they were doing. I was a youth pastor at the time that that I was starting my family and having children. And so I was watching other people raise their kids and I was trying to help them disciple their kids and and just help their kids grow up into healthy people. And so I had the opportunity to watch both what worked and what didn't work and to glean information there. Nick Adams [00:05:05]: I did a whole lot of reading, took classes. And then really, I think observation, that was probably one of the strongest things I had going for me because I was in so many families' lives dealing with their children and getting to to watch them. So I think that was probably one of the best things for me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:21]: Now you have 2 daughters. Every child is completely unique, and they have different personalities. They have different wants. They have different needs. And as you are building those relationships with your kids, you have to keep that in mind. So talk to me about how you had to what you had to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your daughters individually? Nick Adams [00:05:46]: Well, I think you just pointed out what I think is one of the most important pieces, and that is acknowledging it. If you can keep in mind that these are not the same people and what works with 1 will not work with the other, then I think that's a big step forward. And then and and of course, they're not only are they different people, they're at different ages, they're at different stages, they're experiencing life in a different capacity. I mean, my girls are 2 years apart, which is pretty close, but still there's a pretty good difference between being a 4 year old and being a 6 year old, you know. I mean, you've you've not done any kind of school and you are now functioning as a 1st grader and being in the school all day long. And there's just a there's a lot of differences even in a 2 year gap. And if you have a larger gap, it's even more than that. And so I think just acknowledging that and trying to be aware of where your kids are in the process. Nick Adams [00:06:38]: And as as they step over those various hurdles of again, there's a pretty big difference between a 9 year old and an 11 year old or especially when they move on over to 12. You know, you start to have some pretty distinct differences there. So I think being aware of that and consciously focusing on what's their temperament. I don't I don't know if you're familiar with, the book, the 5 love languages. But, you know, I I read that and tried to not just apply it to my relationship with my wife, but also to think about my kids and say, you know, what is their love language? Because that was one of the things I watched as I was watching families and and being a youth pastor was you'd have 2 kids or 3 kids in the same family. And one of them would tell you my parents hate me and they're terrible and this is an awful family. And and you'd have another one and be like, oh my gosh, my parents are so great and and I feel so loved. And you're just like, what is going on? But I think a part of it is that we all experience love differently. Nick Adams [00:07:38]: And so just to your point, if you don't acknowledge that your kids are different and how you interact with them has to be different for them to feel that same level of nurture and love, then you end up with that kind of dynamic where you've got really different experiences coming out of the same home. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:55]: Now as you look at I mean, you're a busy guy. There's You've had a lot of things happen in your life. You run a camp for kids. And being as busy as you are, there's definitely this balance. There's balance that you have to find in your life to be able to do the things that are important to you professionally, but also being that engaged father, especially with 4 kids and having to raise 4 kids that are probably all going in different directions as they're getting older and getting involved in things. So talk to me about balance and how you were able to balance all of that and still be that dad you wanted to be. Nick Adams [00:08:30]: Well, you know, Christopher, I'd love to tell you I did a great job at that. I'm not sure that I did, but I did try. And you know, one of the things that I I talked about in the book is really the goal I don't think is to be perfect. It's to make progress and none of us are gonna do it perfectly. And, and I just, I acknowledge that through the years, I really probably didn't do that balance perfectly. But one of some of the things I really tried to focus on was being at all of my kids' events. I mean, my youngest daughter, I was actually doing a international trip and I missed her birthday. Now, never mind that I sent her to do one of her favorite things and, you know, paid for that to happen. Nick Adams [00:09:13]: And, but I wasn't there. And then when I got back home, I missed it by like 2 days. And when I got back home, we celebrate it. But probably for the next decade, just periodically, she'll remind me that I missed her birthday. You know? And and I just, I just laughed. I'm like, you know, honey, I missed one event out of your whole lifetime. The and that's why that stands out to you. It's because I was at all the other things. Nick Adams [00:09:37]: So but I think that's just super important. You know, my daughters were in gymnastics and they were in dance and there was competitions and there were shows and I just didn't miss any of those. And I really, I think I can say that honestly, I didn't miss any of those because those are just big events for them. And and so to be supportive, nothing was more important than that. And I think what is genuinely true for me is that my favorite thing in life is being bad. Like, there's not anything I do that I get more pleasure out of than being bad. And so that I think communicates to the kids that, you know, I'm not at their ballgame because I have to be there. You know, I'm I'm there because man, I wanna see what happens. Nick Adams [00:10:26]: I wanna watch you play. I wanna support you. I wanna be a part of your life. And so I think there are times yeah. I had to leave for work or I wasn't there every moment of their waking hours, but I did a lot of work to make sure that they were always supported in their events. And the other thing that we did as a family, my girls and my boys are kind of different ages. I got about 10 year age span between them. So I've got 2 sets of children almost. Nick Adams [00:10:54]: But my with the older kids, especially, we had dinner every night as a family. And that just, there wasn't a time that didn't happen when one of my girls was doing gymnastics and she didn't get out of gym until 8:30. None of us ate until she got home 15 to 9. And that's when dinner was because that was important for us to build that kind of connection and relationship. So those are some of the ways that I think I've tried to really balance career and busy and then family. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:26]: Now you mentioned the fact that you had you have a book that's called Being the Dad You Wish You Had, 5 Big Stones for Effective Fatherhood. And I guess, 1st and foremost, as a as someone that has written books in the past myself, I know how much time, effort, patience, and more go into the labor of love that becomes the One of the things that I've done is run some some businesses. I've run Nick Adams [00:11:57]: One of the things that I've done is run some some businesses. I've run businesses and nonprofits. And especially in the business community, I've got 2 construction oriented companies. And I found myself so I work predominantly with men. So I found myself pretty frequently saying to somebody, you know, they're they're a good worker. They've got pretty good skills. They just were raised by wolves. They have and what I always meant by that is they they just have no idea of how to engage with life. Nick Adams [00:12:28]: And although they're not really a terrible person that creates a lot of dysfunction around them because they just don't know how to live life and they didn't get what they needed as children. And I've said that through the years and I've tried to help my my employees and do different kinds of classes and just anything I can do to help kind of mentor and develop them. And so, and I don't think I've been particularly effective with any of that, but I've tried hard. And then one night we were sitting around the dining room table and we were answering conversation starters. And the conversation starter this particular night was if you could change anything in the world, what would it be? And like a bolt of lightning, I knew if I could change anything in the world, I would create effective fathers. Because if I could create effective fathers, I could change the world. And that became kind of the genesis of the book for me, is realizing that really what I wanted to do and what I believe would have the most impact of anything I could do would be to help create a situation where fathers could be more effective. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:33]: In sharing this out into the world, I know that you drew from your own experiences, and you put those experiences into the book. What were some of the biggest takeaways that you really wanted someone to take out of reading this as you walked in? And what are you finding now that it is out in the world and people are are reading it that they are pulling out of it? Nick Adams [00:13:56]: Yeah. I think really one of the biggest things kind of the 2 big things that I would want people to get out of the book and they're not like written as a part of a chapter, they're kinda just, I hope it's there, is that dads are really influential. They're very powerful. Now actually that is one of the chapters, but you know, that they just have a lot of influence. And if you as a father, just focus a little, you're going to make a difference in your kid's life because you have so much ability and so...
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Bruce Chamoff's Journey as a Podcaster, Entrepreneur, and Engaged Dad
05/13/2024
Bruce Chamoff's Journey as a Podcaster, Entrepreneur, and Engaged Dad
Embracing the Journey and Overcoming Challenges In a heartwarming conversation on the Dads with Daughters podcast, a seasoned podcaster and entrepreneur, shared insightful anecdotes about his journey as a father to his now 20-year-old daughter. As fatherhood is a unique and deeply personal experience, Bruce's revelations bring valuable lessons to the forefront, shedding light on the joys, struggles, and growth that come with raising a daughter. Welcoming Fatherhood: The Journey Begins It's not uncommon to feel a mix of excitement and bewilderment upon learning about pending fatherhood. Bruce's recollections of the day he learned he was going to be a father to a daughter paint a vivid picture of the emotions that accompany this pivotal moment. He beautifully captures the blend of enthusiasm and uncertainty that fathers often experience, highlighting the eagerness to embark on the journey of parenthood while simultaneously grappling with the vast unknown that lies ahead. Navigating Fears and Challenges: Insights from a Father's Perspective As Bruce shared his fears and concerns about raising a daughter, he echoed sentiments that many fathers can relate to. The apprehensions surrounding teenage years, the challenge of letting go, and the anxiety about protecting their daughters from potential heartbreak are universal themes. Bruce's candid reflections provide a platform for fathers to recognize and acknowledge their fears while learning to embrace the inevitable challenges that come with guiding their daughters through adolescence. Lessons Learned: Embracing Uniqueness and Understanding Balance One of the most poignant moments from Bruce's narrative revolves around the realization that children, especially daughters, will never mirror their parents entirely. This acknowledgment opens the door to a beautiful journey of comprehension and acceptance. By understanding their daughters' unique traits and embracing the differences, fathers can forge deeper connections, fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding. The elusive balance between work and family life is a feat that many fathers strive to master. Bruce openly shared his experiences, acknowledging the struggle to balance his entrepreneurial endeavors with his responsibilities as a father. His insights underscore the importance of finding ways to integrate family into career pursuits, emphasizing the value of involving children in a father's professional endeavors as a means of nurturing work-life balance. The Impact of Podcasting: A Tool for Connection and Growth Podcasting has been a transformative force in Bruce's life, propelling him to connect with a global community and share his passions. Through podcasting, Bruce discovered a means to weave a rich tapestry of stories—a skill that also enhanced his role as a storyteller in his daughter's life. His experiences serve as an inspiration for fathers to explore creative ways to engage with their daughters, fostering deeper connections through shared interests and joint pursuits. Legacy and Continuation: Parenting and Professional Endeavors In a heartening turn of events, Bruce's professional journey subsequently intertwined with the personal domain, leading to a collaboration with his daughter on the . This fusion exemplifies a harmonious blend of professional success and familial bonds, underscoring the significance of involving children in parents' passions and enterprises. Through this alliance, Bruce not only imparts invaluable skills and knowledge but also lays the foundation for his daughter's professional growth and development. Navigating Fatherhood with Intention and Love Bruce's narrative offers an array of insights and reflections on fatherhood that resonate deeply with fathers from all walks of life. His journey encapsulates the essence of fatherhood—embracing the unknown with open arms, embarking on a path of continual growth, and fostering enduring connections with daughters. His story serves as a poignant reminder that fatherhood is not solely about providing but also about nurturing, guiding, and fostering a legacy of love and understanding. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. You know, every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to talk to you, to walk beside you on this path that you're on in working to be the best dad that you want to be and working to make those meaningful connections that you want to make with your daughters. Why is it important? Well, it's important because you signed up for it. You signed up to be a dad. You signed up to walk on this path to be there with your kids. And sometimes the journey can be lonely. Sometimes the journey can be challenging. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:56]: And being able to learn from other dads, learn from other people, and understand that you're not alone is just part of the battle. I love also being able to bring you different people, different people that have gone through this journey themselves. They are going through this journey themselves and can share the experiences that they've had as a father because you're going to learn from them. And if you open yourself up to it, you'll probably take a few things away from it to be able to help you to be that dad you wanna be and to help you raise that daughter that you wanna raise. This week, we've got another great guest with us today. Bruce Chamoff is with us today. And Bruce is with the World Podcast Network. I love talking about podcasting, but we're not gonna be talking just about podcasting today. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:43]: We're gonna be actually talking about Bruce's experience in being a father to a daughter. He's got a 20 year old daughter That also helps him with podcasting too by go down that pipe that path a little bit. But I'm really excited to have him on, to have him tell his story, and for you to learn from him. Bruce, thanks so much for being here today. Bruce Chamoff [00:02:02]: Hey, thanks, Chris. It was Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:03]: my pleasure. Know, one of the things that I love doing, 1st and foremost, is I love turning the clock back in time. I said that you had a 20 year old daughter. So I wanna turn the clock back maybe 21 years. You know, back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Bruce Chamoff [00:02:19]: Well, I was at work, and my wife called me. Actually, we're not married now, but she called me at the time and she said, are you sitting down? And I didn't think of hearing that she was pregnant. So she said, I said, yeah. I'm sitting down. I'm pregnant. I was excited. I mean, I think every parent gets excited when they hear that, but they're also dumbfounded at the same time. And I had that going through in my mind. Bruce Chamoff [00:02:40]: And then right away, we were talking about names. And that was the whole conversation. And, yes, I was excited. But, you know, that you just wanna be a parent. And you know that the day you hear that you are going to be a parent, you want those whole 9 months to just fly by. And that's what was going through my mind. I'm like, okay. Yes. Bruce Chamoff [00:03:02]: I'm gonna be a dad. Yes. She's pregnant. Perfect. I wish that that 9 months would just come tomorrow. You know? And that was it. But it was a really good journey, that whole thing. I got that new dad book series. Bruce Chamoff [00:03:15]: I forgot who the author was. I was reading that, like, from literally the first week when I found out that I was gonna be a dad and I was prepared. And that was it. You know, the whole family was excited. I mean, you know how that whole thing goes. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:25]: So I talked to a lot of dads and a lot of dads say to me that in having a daughter, there's some fear that goes along with that. You talked about pulling out those books and reading and trying to immerse yourself and learning what you need to learn and trying to figure it out. But as you think about the moments you've had with your daughter and raising your daughter, what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Bruce Chamoff [00:03:47]: What I've been hearing about from most people, and that is, oh, love her right now because when she becomes a teenager, she's not gonna wanna know you. And then you gotta watch out for all the guys. And, of course, I'm thinking, well, I don't really care about that now. We're gonna go through 10 or 12 years of her not me not worrying about that and that's what happened. But when she hit about 13, she was acting like a teenager and that's when everybody says just watch the guys. They're gonna come. They're gonna blow on. I'm like, okay. Bruce Chamoff [00:04:12]: And I believe that's the big fear from Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:14]: It is scary. And now how did you get through that for yourself? Bruce Chamoff [00:04:18]: I mean, really, you can't prepare for that. You just have to go through it. My friend Jay has I forgot how old his daughter is now but it's funny because he was telling me I love my daughter. She says I'm the greatest dad in the world. I'm like, yeah, you know, my daughter told me that too. And after a while, it becomes sort of the opposite when it become a teenager. So just appreciate all the compliments she's giving you right now because those compliments will go away for at least 4 to 5 years, and then they'll come back. And then he said to me, well, I'm playing Roblox with her. Bruce Chamoff [00:04:49]: I said, oh, yeah. I played Roblox with my daughter. He says, they were around back then? I'm like, yeah. They're very big company. They're now public. They have a stock. People are investing in the stocks. Like, I didn't know that. Bruce Chamoff [00:04:58]: I'm like, yeah. I didn't know that either. But I'm now giving him advice that no one gave me because his daughter, I think, is about 5 years younger than mine. So what I went through and honestly, my daughter and I get along really well now. I'm excited to know what's going on in her life. She calls me almost every day. She's working for me on the podcast network. We get along great, and it's amazing. Bruce Chamoff [00:05:19]: I just said, Jay, it's gonna be a little bit of a ride when she becomes a teenager. And I tell all the dads, if your daughter is not a teenager right now and what people are telling you about your love her right now and appreciate all the love that she's giving you because when she becomes a teenager, she's not going to know you. And honestly, most people told me that. All I can say is you can't really prepare for that. All you can do is prepare yourself because you can't change your daughter. Your daughter's gonna go that way. She's gonna be influenced by peer pressure. She's gonna be influenced by other teenagers, and there's nothing you can do about that. Bruce Chamoff [00:05:51]: You can only change yourself as a dad and how you deal with it and just learn to accept it, know it's coming, and also you can take comfort in the fact it's gonna go away a couple years later. And that's what I thought as Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:02]: I mentioned, things are not always easy. As you said, you get into those teenage years and sometimes they could be bumpy, but there's heart there's times that'll go simply, and they just flow. There's times that will be challenging, and you get through those, and you push through those. What's been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Bruce Chamoff [00:06:21]: That's kind of a loaded question. I mean, I would say, probably, another mistake that parents make, and I made this too, and this is what the hardest part is, is trying to get your child, whether it's a son or a daughter, to be exactly like you. And I tell all the dads that's never going to happen. And you know what? My dad got ups. He got upset with me too because I wasn't into the things that he was into. And you have to realize that your child, especially a daughter, will never be like you. They'll have some of those traits. Right? Because they are your kid, but they'll never be exactly like you. Bruce Chamoff [00:06:52]: And, also, the mother, you're whether you're married or not, your co parent is not like you either. So your daughter is going to take some of those traits as well and your daughter is going to take some of the of the traits from your entire family that also might not be you. So the hardest part for me was, okay, determining how is she like me, how is she not like me, and how we actually end up in the middle and accept all those things that she's not like me? And I'm doing it. And it's it's really cool thing because now I'm learning from my daughter. My father told me when I was a kid that daddies know everything. And of course when you're a kid, you don't know much. You don't have an education. So you're going to believe that your father knows everything. Bruce Chamoff [00:07:27]: And then as I started growing up and learning computer programming, I realized my father doesn't know how to program. So now at this point, daddies don't know everything. And now my daughter is teaching me things that I never knew. So it's great. Learn from your kids. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:42]: You definitely can learn from your kids. I find that with my own daughters that I learn things from them, you know, sometimes things that I don't wanna know, but but you definitely are still learning things and growing with them. And and that's important because, you know, the the minute that you turn that off or the minute you're not willing to learn from others and from your daughters specifically, that's gonna close off the relationship. And so it's really important to be able to keep that relationship open in that regard. I know you're a busy guy, and you've got a lot of things going on. You're an entrepreneur. You you have this network that you're doing as well. You're doing a lot of different things, and you've been doing this for quite a few years. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:21]: So as you look at the life that you've had and all the different things that you have done, talk to me about balance and what you had to do, balance the things that you were doing outside of the house and what you were trying to be inside the house, to be that dad that you wanted to be. Bruce Chamoff [00:08:40]: I'll be honest with you. I'm not the best at balancing, and I'm still learning that as I go through my life. Work life balance, I understand is absolutely important in anybody's life. So especially people who work. And I'll be the first to admit that I'm a workaholic. And at times when my daughter was growing up, there were times that I worked so hard that I did neglect her and I was always there for her. I mean, anytime she needed me, I I jumped and stopped what I was doing. But I always worked so hard, and there were times when I said to myself, I just have to stop what I'm doing right now and just be a dad and not be an entrepreneur and not be a workaholic. Bruce Chamoff [00:09:20]: And it's it's hard because you're a workaholic for a reason, you know, it's just like an alcoholic, you cannot stop drinking alcohol that easily and workaholic is the same thing. So I learned to just cut myself off at a certain time. You know, when 5 o'clock came, I said, that's it. I'm done working. I know I have a lot of things to do. Still, I have a lot of unfinished projects that I wanna keep on working on. And it's not just about the work life balance. It's also for your own health and your own stress level. Bruce Chamoff [00:09:49]: If you're a workaholic and you find it hard to stop being that way, my solution is to force yourself to just stop working at a certain time of the day. If you have to set an alarm, which is what I had to do, the alarm goes off and that's it. You stop working and you spend time with your family and that's it. So that's what I've been doing. And, you know, I'm in I'm now in my fifties. So the one thing that's actually in my advantage, like, if if you're in your if you're in the older generation, your circadian rhythm, which is your sleep cycle, shifts to an earlier time of the day, which makes it easy to stop working later on that day. So I used to go from to start working at like 8 o'clock in the morning to now I start working at 4:30 in the morning. And that's easy for me to do, to get up that early. Bruce Chamoff [00:10:34]: But with that said, I also cannot work past 5 o'clock at night. So at that point, if a dad is in that particular age range, I would say probably 40 years in age of up and up, It's easy to get up earlier, to start working and stop working and then spend time with your family. So to me, I think that younger dads will have a hard time with the work life balance than older dads. That's my experience. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:00]: Now I know that I mentioned at the beginning that you're a podcaster. You run this network called The World Podcast Network. You've been podcasting for quite some time, and I am a podcaster. I'm a podcasting fan. And I know what drew me in to this genre. But you've been doing this for longer than I have. So talk to me about what drew you into podcasting from an early point and how that impacted you as an ad. Bruce Chamoff [00:11:28]: When I was in college, I wanted to join the college radio station, and that was Kean University in Union, New Jersey, which at the time was called Kean College. And I graduated in 1988. I love heavy metal. I still do. And my daughter and I have seen a lot of hard rock and heavy metal concerts, which I'm so happy that she was into that music for a long time. And it also made us a little closer having the music connection together. And I wanted to play my favorite heavy metal music, but I couldn't get on to the radio station because it was booked. All the DJs the radio station was just full of DJs and there was no there were no openings. Bruce Chamoff [00:12:07]: So life went on. I graduated college. I've got a I got a degree in marketing, and I got a couple of jobs. 2005 when everybody was buying the iPad, like, almost everybody had an iPad, and I realized podcasting was out there. I ignored it. And then I was in a bookstore and saw from Todd Cochran of the Blueberry Network, the book for introduction to podcasting. Like, oh, this is a real thing because there's a book here. I didn't think twice. Bruce Chamoff [00:12:35]: I just didn't even look at it, and I just took it off the shelf. It was a shiny silver cover with green lettering. You can't miss that among other books. The artwork on the front cover was just there to grab your attention and it did. And I read that book literally within a week. And I'm like, I'm starting my podcast. And I did. And that's when I started my first podcast called the Fresh Music Series which is I finally got to be the DJ to play my music. Bruce Chamoff [00:13:01]: Now I was on Long Island at the time and I went on to Craigslist and put in that I had a podcast. And And because I'm also a musician, I'm a songwriter, and I'm still putting music out. If anybody wants to check my music out on Spotify, it's just look up Bruce Chamble. So I wanted to promote my own music, but I'm like, I'm not gonna be selfish about this. Maybe I could get other podcasters to come on to my podcast. And I put that Craigslist ad out, and literally, I had about 10 bands saying, hey. Play my music. Play my music. Bruce Chamoff [00:13:30]: Play my music. Okay. But you have to first email me that I have your permission that...
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Cultivating Hope: A Dad's Role According to Jesse Bradley
05/06/2024
Cultivating Hope: A Dad's Role According to Jesse Bradley
When discovered he was going to be a father to a daughter after having three sons, he knew this would bring a unique set of delights and challenges. Jesse emphasizes each child as a unique gift, advocating a tailored approach in fostering connections that affirm a daughter's persona, building confidence amidst the ever-present peer pressures. **The Power of Presence and Words** One-on-one interactions form the core of Jesse's parenting strategy, offering a safe space for his daughter to share her thoughts and feelings. He recognizes the formative power of a parent's words and presence, which serve as a bedrock for a child’s development, especially before bed—a time both sacred and profound in the Bradley household. **Positive Reinforcement** In our podcast episode, Jesse shares personal experiences of affirming his daughter's worth and building her confidence, with a reminder to parents about the potency of positive reinforcement. His intentional interactions include daily prayer and reading sessions, maintaining an equitable balance between tenderness and honesty. **Grappling with Challenges** Jesse opens up about his insecurities in not understanding his daughter's world, from hair care to jewelry. He advises parents to lean into these differences and learn from their children, rather than maintaining a distance. Adjusting parenting methods to match the child's pace is also key, as Jesse demonstrates by embracing his daughter's composed approach to life. **Cultivating Hope** On the critical notion of hope, Jesse advocates for relational, habitual, and thoughtful practices to instill a strong sense of optimism in children. These practices are deeply relational, requiring attentiveness and intentional affirmations from parents. **Wisdom for Fathers** Jesse's advice encompasses being 'tough and tender,' encouraging dads to support their children's pursuits without trying to control them. He suggests a reflective approach to one's natural tendencies and emphasizes the significance of an honest and humble approach in parent-child relationships. In our introspective conversation, Jesse Bradley's insights serve as a reminder that fatherhood is a continuous journey marked by growth, learning, and unconditional love. His experiences and guiding principles stand as a beacon for dads navigating the waters of raising daughters in a world filled with emotional and spiritual complexities. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:15]: Welcome back to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. I've told you this before, and I'll tell you it again. You know, I'm a father of 2. My kids are in their teenage years and in college. Your kids are gonna be at different places, but we all are on that journey together as we raise our daughters to be those strong, independent women that we want for them to be successful and to find that path for themselves. It's not always going to be easy. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:53]: The journey is not always going to be a straight line, But it is something that we all go through. And it is so important that we are able to have these conversations and that you can learn and grow from the conversations and the people that we have here every week. I love being able to bring you different people, be people with different perspectives, different fathers, mothers, other people with resources that can help you on this journey, that can help you to make that journey just a little bit easier because you do not have to do this alone. I've said that before and I'll say it again. Fatherhood does not have to be a solo experience. Sometimes it may feel that way. Sometimes you may feel like it should be that way, but it doesn't have to be that way, and it shouldn't be that way. There are so many dads that are out there right next to you, your next door neighbors, the people around you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:45]: And by reaching out, by talking, by sharing, by being a little vulnerable Yes, I said the v word, vulnerable. You can definitely do so much to be able to help yourself to be that dad that you wanna be. Today, we've got another great guest with us. Jesse Bradley is with us today, and Jesse is a speaker. He's an author. He is the lead pastor of of Grace Community Church, and we're gonna be talking to him about being a father of 4, as well as the, some of the things that he does on a daily basis and working with dads, but also working with just people in general. And I'm really excited to be able to have him here and talk about his own experience. Jesse, thanks so much for being here today. Jesse Bradley [00:02:26]: Christopher, it's an honor to join you. I've been looking forward to this. Thanks for all you do to encourage and to equip dads and really parents because we need help. We really do. I'm not joining you as a guest as someone who has all the answers or has it together. We're lifelong learners and parenting is truly an adventure. But we can encourage each other, I think through stories, through things that are working in one home are probably gonna work well in another home. And thank you for connecting dads too. Jesse Bradley [00:02:55]: Because like you said, the temptation I think is to drift, to be isolated. And with isolation, that's never the isolated. And with isolation, that's never the best spot to be. And we wanna come together and you've created community. So thanks for all you do. You've been very dedicated and devoted, and we appreciate it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:10]: Well, I really appreciate you saying that. Now first and foremost, one of the things I love doing is I wanna turn the clock back in time. And I know you've got 4 kids, you've got one daughter, 3 sons, and your daughter's 13 now. So I wanna go back, let's say 14 years. I wanna go back to the very beginning when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Jesse Bradley [00:03:29]: Well, you know, that's an interesting story because we had had 2 boys. We'd also had 3 miscarriages. So we had really been on a roller coaster ride, and that helped us realize that every child is a gift. I believe that with all my heart. Every child is unique, wonderfully made, and truly a gift. Now with our 3rd child, when we showed up to find out, is it going to be a boy or a girl? The assistant who had the view of the picture, the first words out of her mouth were, oh, boy. And that's not probably what you wanna say when it's gonna be a girl because literally she looked at the picture and said, oh, boy. And my mind went to, well, here comes boy number 3. Jesse Bradley [00:04:11]: And then a few seconds later, she said, you're gonna have a girl. And I was like, wait, what? So it was a gender reveal that went one direction, faked us out, head fake, and then we came back and a girl. I knew this was gonna be a really different experience than the boys. Of course, there's a lot of commonalities, but I also knew this would balance our home a little more. With 3 boys right now and a girl, we were intentional to get a girl dog. Just, you know, trying to balance out the home a little bit. But I was excited. My wife had a name in mind, and it just seemed to come together well. Jesse Bradley [00:04:48]: And such a blessing. I'm so grateful for Lily. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:51]: Now each child is unique. You've got 4 kids, and you have to take that time, spend that time to connect on an individual level. When you have 4 kids and you have a daughter, you have 3 sons, what are you doing to make those unique bonds with your kids and especially the bond that you want to have with your daughter? Jesse Bradley [00:05:11]: That's a great question. It's easy to always be in a group, and you really need that one on one time. I like the phrase be intentional because a lot of times your child might not come to you and share everything they need, and they're hoping that you're going to pursue them. And that time for me that's been consistent is before bed. I feel like there's something about that last hour where people are a little more open, honest, share feelings, let their guard down, and that's been consistent for us and we do a couple different things during that time, but sometimes it's playful. We started playing catch with one of her stuffed animals that's round. And then we started keeping score. And eventually, what's our record? And we made it up to a couple hundred, but that was just kind of a fun thing we started doing. Jesse Bradley [00:06:00]: And I thought, okay, my daughter isn't into sports like I was, and that's okay. In fact, she's the exact opposite. I wanted to do sports with teams, scores, balls. She doesn't want anything to do with stress, competition. Like, she would prefer to just go for a run, enjoy a run, or a hike, or something, swimming. She would just swim for hours. She doesn't wanna race, but she would just be in the water for hours. She likes to swim, learn how to swim. Jesse Bradley [00:06:28]: So we're very opposite when it comes to sports. And this is just one of those playful things we did and started to she has a lot of stuffed animals, and I don't even know how we started. But, she learned to catch through that. And that was one thing we did. But more than that, during those times together, I listened to her how she's doing. I try to speak a lot of words of affirmation because especially middle school and even slightly before that, there's a lot of pressure. There's a lot of peer pressure. Sometimes kids tear each other down. Jesse Bradley [00:07:00]: Are you cool enough? How do you look? Do you fit in? And they're bombarded. And sometimes by the end of the day, they can just feel like I don't measure up and you know who I am is just not gonna work. And I try to come in with that voice of affirmation. And let me tell you, children need the affirmation. If you have a critical spirit and you're just always finding the areas that, you know, you don't think they're doing well and you lead with that and you overemphasize that, it tears them down on the inside. Yes. We do need to hold them accountable on some areas and bring out the best in some areas, but a lot of it is the affirmation. And I can just see there's a security with dad's voice. Jesse Bradley [00:07:42]: When I see things, and I'm not saying things just to flatter. I'm not saying things that are half true. Like, sincerely, what I see in her, it's so wonderful. And I put words on it. I don't just have that thought, but I put words on it. It builds up a security for her. And I think what it does is give her confidence that she doesn't have to chase after everything that her peers are chasing after. And she really is one of our children who has seen through the games and seen through some of the, you know, emptiness of just trying to be cool. Jesse Bradley [00:08:18]: And there's been a security and a confidence that she's had. And I I think that the affirmation of parents on her character, on her effort, on her creativity, on her kindness, on her intelligence, like, just all the wide range, you know, her face. One of the things we do before bedtime is is just a short time of prayer, or we like to read. Now we've read read a lot of different stories, but we also read, like, the Bible, and we wanna build her up. And when I think about parenting in that time, and I know I'm focusing on that time before bed, but that's been daily for as long as I can remember. Since she was just an infant, it's every night we're there in that time. And sometimes it's my wife and I. Sometimes it's just me. Jesse Bradley [00:09:06]: Sometimes it's just my wife and the longer one. Both parents are there, but it's just one will stay longer. But that is intentional with every kid. And 1 on 1, that's where they really they don't have to look around and say, okay. Are my siblings listening? What are they gonna think of me? They just pour out their heart. And when they feel safe, create that safe environment where they can talk to you about anything. And if you start that early on, then when the teenage years come, that's already part of the culture and the conversation. They're just gonna keep coming with that. Jesse Bradley [00:09:37]: And when they do, that's a gift. When they share their heart with you, that's a gift. And by being there to listen, sometimes it's not so much what I say, although the affirmation's important. It's just creating that safe place and listening. And as she starts to share about what she's thinking and feeling, just listening to understand, asking questions, drawing her out, She's a little more introverted than we have 2 extroverts, 2 introverts. And the extroverts just start to talk. And with those extroverts, you know exactly where they are. But the introverts, you have to kinda stop, ask them a question, give them time to think, ask them another question. Jesse Bradley [00:10:13]: I'm an extrovert, so that's not as natural as it should be. I think it's important to be quick to listen, slow to speak. I'm often the opposite. I'm quick to speak, slow to listen. So I've got to turn it down, ask questions, be silent, and then ask more questions. I've heard it said, you ask how someone feels. Say, how do you feel? And then you say, well, how do you feel about that? And then you say, well, what are your thoughts on that? You might have to ask a couple times to go deep. But once you create that trust, and all relationships come down to trust. Jesse Bradley [00:10:43]: And with your kids, do they really trust you? And when the trust is there, they open up and they share. And when they do that, that's a gift. And how you respond is important. And I love it that, you know, my daughter has said, I feel like I can, you know, talk about anything. That doesn't mean that she doesn't sometimes try to keep things secret or, like, we have a perfect relationship, but there's a trust that's deep and she shares deeply. One of the most precious gifts she gave me is a little coupon and she said, dad, this coupon is for infinite number of times coming into my room. And I mean, even this week, I got that years ago. It's at my desk. Jesse Bradley [00:11:25]: You know, this coupon's good for infinite visits to my room. Anytime, any and I come into her room and I'll say, well, Lilz, I just came in today because, well, you gave me that coupon for infinite visits. So I'm coming in for a visit and it's kind of playful at this point, but it's so sweet. It's so dear. And but we like to joke around and she has the way the heat is distributed in our house, it's not equal. And she has the warmest room in the house. And in the winter months, you know, in Seattle where there's a lot of rain and so forth, and I just come in there. I'm like, Lils. Jesse Bradley [00:12:01]: And she'll kind of say, do you just come in because I'm a warm room or do you wanna talk to me? You know, we we just play around with that kind of stuff, but we keep it light, we keep it fun, but then we also go deep. It's a both and. And I think a both and is really good. When you can laugh, you can cry, you can share your hurts, you can share what you're excited about, you can pray. Like, the wide range, that is rich. And I know for me, and I'll let you talk a little bit because I just got into these sweet times with my daughter. But when I think about being a dad, yes, there's protection. Yes, there's provision. Jesse Bradley [00:12:39]: Yes, there's the physical activity we do. And there's a lot of different components. But for me, what's close to my heart is the emotional connection and also the spiritual connection. And I think when I consider the fullness of fatherhood, like, how am I involved in all the different parts of her life to build her up, to encourage her? And I think a lot of times, it's when that emotional or spiritual connection happens that we feel the closest. And I like to go there. And that probably ties in, because parenting, I think, really starts when you're a kid, and it's your experiences with your parents, and that shapes you. And you either see things you wanna imitate or you see things that weren't there and you really wanna bring. And I think, for me, it's all connected. Jesse Bradley [00:13:28]: And I love the opportunity to have those times with my daughter. We almost always leave grateful. We leave appreciating each other. We leave those times just feeling joyful. Like, there's a smile, there's a laugh, and it's sweet. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:44]: I appreciate you sharing that. Now I know that in talking to a lot of different dads, there are sometimes some fear that comes with having a daughter, raising a daughter, and every person's fear is a little bit different. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Jesse Bradley [00:14:01]: That's a great question. I would say a couple of aspects. 1 you're right is that I know what it's like to be a boy. I don't know what it's like to be a girl. And when you have a child that's the opposite gender, for example, her hair. I don't know how I don't even have any hair right now. But, like, how do I help her with her hair as a kid? You know? And it's like, oh, dad. That's too hard on my hair, the the snarls and trying to get that worked out. Jesse Bradley [00:14:28]: And how do I talk about jewelry? How do I talk about painting your nails? How do I talk about things that I just wasn't into and I didn't do? And so she's already different in terms of gender, and then she's different in terms of she loves to read. She will go through book after book after book after book. When I was a kid, I felt like reading was very slow. I knew it was good, but that was challenging. She loves to read. She loves to draw. I joked with her that you passed me up at about age 5. You know, she could draw a better picture than I could as an adult. Jesse Bradley [00:15:06]: She's so talented as an artist and her creativity. And I was terrible at drawing. I still am terrible. So when you start adding all these different things up, it can touch on the insecurities that I have as a dad. Or can I really be a great dad if her talents are different, her interest is different, her gender is different, like, all these things are different? How am I going to support her well? These are not my areas of expertise, right? Like, if she wants to talk about a, b and c, I can do that. But she's into a lot of things that I don't know much about. So here's I think a key is don't stay distant in those areas. It's okay that I'm much lower than her, or I don't know much. Jesse Bradley [00:15:52]: Like, when she liked Pokemon as a kid, or she you know, it's like, I don't know anything about Pokemon. Like, Warrior Cats, I don't know anything about that series. But so just, I own it that I don't know anything. Okay. Lils, teach me a little bit about this. And then we turned it into a fun game because with warrior cats, it's like, oh, they all have 2 word names. And so I would say, Lilz, like, would this be a good word? Like thunderpaw, you know, or something like that. And it it just got to be playful. Jesse Bradley [00:16:24]: So that's that's one is realizing that we have a lot of differences, but don't let those differences become a distance where I'm not entering in. And it's okay to come in with a lot of questions and learning and just be playful with it. I think the other thing for me that I found internally is that I naturally wanna protect her a little more. Now sometimes that's good, probably sometimes it's not as good. But with, like,...
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Nurturing Bonds: Joe Lee's Strategies for Raising Strong Daughters
04/29/2024
Nurturing Bonds: Joe Lee's Strategies for Raising Strong Daughters
The Fatherhood Insider: A Gateway to Enhanced Paternal Engagement Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomes fathers to explore the Fatherhood Insider, a hub designed for paternal growth. Emphasizing the importance of active fatherhood, he encourages dads to utilize resources such as course libraries, forums, and expert advice with the singular goal of honing their fathering skills. Joe Lee's Remarkable Transition: From Monotony to Spontaneity Guest Joe Lee, a dedicated father, discusses his structured life and the unique activities he enjoys with his daughter. Be it practicing Taekwondo, computer learning sessions, or ice skating adventures, Joe underscores the essence of breaking routine and imbuing life with spontaneous moments. An Inspirational Journey from an Entrepreneur to Author Joe Lee shares his motivations for penning 'Ripping Off the Mask From Hustler Entertainer to CEO' and his entrepreneurial evolution. Reflecting on the empowering experiences that guided him to authorship, Joe underlines the process of building a support network and navigating the responsibilities of single fatherhood. Fatherhood's Complex Layers in Modern Society As a vigilant single father, Joe addresses the pressing fears and challenges in raising a daughter in today's society. He advocates for attentiveness, support, and open communication as the pillars of a father-daughter relationship. With a fine balance between professional life and parenting duties, Joe strives to provide structure, support, and valuable life insights for his daughter. A Vision of Fatherhood: Protecting and Teaching the Next Generation Envisioning his role as a protector and teacher, Joe Lee hopes to instill resilience and strength in his daughter. He emphasizes the value of fathers being present and actively involved—not just in the big moments, but also in the everyday tasks, like doing their daughters' hair. As a 'girl dad,' his commitment to nurturing and mentoring his daughter shines as a beacon for other fathers who listen to 'Dads with Daughters TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week I love being able to sit down, talk to you, help you, and work with you as you go through this journey that you're on in raising your daughters. I know I've been on the same journey. I'm still on that journey. I'll always be on that journey. Once you're a father, you're always a father. And what's so important is that you never give up. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:46]: You keep moving and you keep working at it because there's gonna be times where it's gonna be hard. There's gonna be times where it's gonna go smoothly, but there is always opportunities to learn, to grow and to be even better. So that's what this show is all about. This show is all about helping you to be the best dad that you can be to help you to connect and engage with your daughters. And that's why I love being able to have these conversations with you every week. I also love being able to bring you different dads, different dads that are doing fatherhood in different ways and bringing you people that have, are from every walk of life, fathers, mothers, other individuals with resources that are gonna help you to be that engaged father that you wanna be. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Joe Lee is with us today. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:35]: And Joe is a father of a daughter. He's got a 6 year old daughter at home. We're gonna talk about his journey that he has had thus far with his own daughter, and I'm really excited to have him here. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Lee [00:01:48]: Thank you, Chris. I appreciate being a part of the show and being on here. The way that you guys, have come along, I think I was set at the beginning stages of that when you started the organization and group on Facebook. So it's a pleasure being here and being a dad myself for the last 6 years. I've always helped other folks with their trials and tribulations prior to me becoming a dad. So it was one of the reasons why I joined your group back then. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:11]: So first and foremost, what I love to do is I love turning the clock back in time. So let's go all the way back to that first moment that you found out that you were gonna be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Joe Lee [00:02:20]: Oh, man. I I said, you know, of all people, why, you know, why do I hit the girl? Right? And but I smiled all the time. I smiled all the time. Like any other father, you wanna have that boy, But, you know, it's been a pleasure, and I see that I've inspired a lot of men when I first started this journey and how I used to talk about her coming into this world. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:41]: So as you think back to the time that you've had with your daughter thus far, I know that when I talk to dads about being a father to a daughter, many people tell me that there's some fear that goes along with it. What's been your biggest fear in raising a daughter in today's society? Joe Lee [00:02:56]: So there's a couple things, to be honest with you, Chris. 1, if I think about my life coming out of New Orleans and the fact of even just raising a kid today, I don't think it's scary. I think it's a matter of being afraid. What could possibly happen? And I say that because I've often been asked and had conversations with dads or women, all of the same. And I talk about the days when we used to walk around the neighborhood at 6, 7, 8 years old. We 2, 3, 10, 15 miles away from home. Today, that's the fear factor. You can't do that anymore. Joe Lee [00:03:26]: Predators will take your daughter or son out of your backyard and draw daylight. It doesn't even matter. That's one of the biggest things, and I think she's taught me a lot more too just in general about life as I've gotten back, as I've always been into the health and fitness side of the house, playing semi pro football, bodybuilding, etcetera, this late stage in the game for me and and by the way, I'll be 53 next week, Chris, just to share a little bit with you. So I still keep myself healthy. But working with her in Taekwondo has, gotten me back into stretching. It has gotten me close to God because she's in private school, and every week she has homework to read a, a verse from the Bible. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:03]: Now raising kids is never easy. Raising daughters is not always easy as well. What's been the hardest part for you being a father to a daughter? Joe Lee [00:04:12]: It's making sure that I'm being attentive. Right? It's making sure that I am supportive, of a female, for 1. I am actively listening, and I'm not just being a dictator because I'm her father, but I'm also fostering open communication. I think it involves setting a positive example that I am empathetic to what she's going through, and I'm finding ways to be resilient to teach her to be resilient. My daughter jumped onto a computer right at the age of 4 months, and she literally crawled over into my lap and was just curious about it. And, you know, she didn't peck on the keyboard. She tried to mimic everything that I was doing, and I'm like, yes. She has that look in her eyes. Joe Lee [00:04:48]: So from there, that helped me with being a father to a female and what I have seen in the prior 15 years of women now becoming more evolved in the corporate America side of things. So it only meant sense for me to think about, hey, how do I best guide my daughter? Because she's gonna need more than just being a female. She's gonna need more than just going to school and to be able to survive out here in this world of, corporate America and in life. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:19]: Now you are busy. You have a lot of things going on. You're doing a lot of different things. And you're trying to also be that engaged dad that you wanna be. Talk to me about balance and how you've found balance in the things that you're trying to do professionally, but also in who you want to be personally for your daughter. Joe Lee [00:05:38]: Yes. So one thing, I have 2 calendars. I manage calendars. Where most people, years before me, may have missed Christmas or some specific holiday or birthday around a making a business deal, I do my best to manage my schedule around her schedule and not the other way around. So just like I have her in Tae kwon which is generally Mondays Tuesdays and every other weekend, in my business calendar that's lined side by side, I plan my business days around her schedule. And that's been a major, major benefactor to me to make sure that we can get what she needs to get and she can get the time with me. As far as balance wise, yes. And where she is today with her academics in a private school that she's in right now, it's great because she's now being challenged. Joe Lee [00:06:26]: The preschool, kindergarten, I was often told, and even her mom was told, your daughter's gonna be something. She's very smart. She's very diligent. And I know with myself, I've been the one that put a lot of that sergeant slaughter, get it done, be detailed because that's how I am in my life. And that has helped me provide that balance with her. So from TaeKwonDo, we come in, we get our structure to study, we get bedtime. I keep her schedule the same as much as possible, but there are times when I do random with her. And then on the weekends, when I have her for longer periods because it's not a school night, yes, that's all broken up. Joe Lee [00:07:03]: She gets that play time in. We get regular television time in. She gets 30 to 45 minutes on her tablet of free time when we have to. When we ride in the car, I make games out of her homework. So for instance, her spelling words, I randomly joke around with her and I said, you can't beat me. I can spell better than you can. Right? So we start playing these games in the car when we're riding. So I balance it all out. Joe Lee [00:07:29]: And, again, the biggest part is is just being spontaneous sometimes. Yes. I'm very structured. Yes. I'm very attention to detailed 90% of the time, but you have to break up the monotony. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:40]: You definitely have to break up the monotony because at times it it does definitely it definitely can overtake you and you have to be able to be engaged with your daughter. How do you find that you are able to connect best with your daughter and what's been the favorite thing that you and your daughter like to share together? Joe Lee [00:08:03]: So I'll answer the second question first. Sharing something together, we do share the taekwondo thing together. We share going to the gym together. She likes go to the playground. But more importantly, when I'm in here doing, exercise in the house, she's right there too, you know, for the average man who can't do push ups on his knuckles. She can do 15 to 20 push ups on her knuckles right now. So that's that's one thing. The second thing is chores. Joe Lee [00:08:24]: When I say it's time to clean up, you know, she's happy to do chores. Ever since she was 2, she has been about doing her chores. Even the preschool days at at preschool, she would fix her little cot and she would stand next to it. And the teachers had often told me that. So those are some of the things. But going to the gym and then sometimes we go to the park. Right? She likes to skate too as well. So we'll in the wintertime, we'll go ice skating. Joe Lee [00:08:48]: So at least twice, during the year. And if we can make it a 3rd time, we'll go a 3rd time. But more, you know, outside of that, she's a barrel of I wanna learn. She has a bunch of that inside of her, and it's her computer. We sit here on our computer side by side. Some nights, I'm working to try to get contracts done. I've set her up to where she can complete her homework, and we're sitting side by side. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:08]: Now I know that just recently you wrote a new book called ripping off the mask from hustler entertainer to CEO. And I guess first and foremost, talk to me about what made you choose to take the time, the effort to write this book, And what are you hoping that people are taking out of the book itself? Joe Lee [00:09:30]: So the main subtitle probably says it all, which is dedicated to succeed against all odds. Born and raised in New Orleans in the early seventies and survived, and I will say survived New Orleans from the 19 eighties to the 19 nineties when I decided to leave in 1991. And all through my life, I have been a hustler. I have had that hustler mentality, which is an enterprising and entrepreneurial mindset and spirit, which is the true definition of what a hustler is. Most people see that term or see that word, and they think from the streets. And while I came from the streets and were born and raised from the streets in New Orleans, which was one of the worst places to live in the 19 nineties. And I left there in 1991. And in 1994, it became the murder capital of the world. Joe Lee [00:10:17]: So with that, the inspiration just came from my lifestyle of helping people, seeing roadblocks that I say that there's a problem to this. We've gotta get up. We've gotta be active. You can change your story. You don't have to travel someone else's journey. Right? It's not the destination that inspires people. It's the journey that inspires everyone. So with that, I've always said, as far back as I could see my dark past is how clear I wanna see my future. Joe Lee [00:10:49]: So I got up and I did that. I became a chameleon in life to see different things in corporate, see different things in the way that I came up, and I said no more. And I'm gonna take control of my life, and that's what you have to do. And so that inspiration was there a long time ago. And so many people along the way say, you need to write a book that got that were able to know me on a personal level and professional level that just said, hey, man. There's something you need to get out. You need to let this out. And in 2016, one of my employees had recommended me to be nominated to do an interview on this, show called Hatch in the city of Aegean Beach. Joe Lee [00:11:30]: And so it was a bunch of business owners, and they were all evolving. And at the time, I said, okay. Alright. I got nominated. And when I start hearing people's stories and I didn't have anything prepared, Chris. I just spoke. And that was the first time that parts of me unlocked that box and got deep into that that several of the people in the room were in tears. And so from there, Chris, I had been thinking about it, and people said, hey. Joe Lee [00:12:02]: You need to do it. And I just I held it off for so long. It just just bit my tongue on that because I'd never wanted to I guess I was just feeling that I didn't have to use my past to succeed in life. And many times along the way, people said, Joe, it's not what you're doing. You need to think about that differently. You accomplished a whole lot, and you don't even know it yet. And so another business owner, a female, by the way, she's been in the same industry, IT, cybersecurity field. Just 2 years ago or two and a half years ago, she said, Joe, you need to write your book. Joe Lee [00:12:33]: I'm gonna hold you accountable. You're gonna write this book. I've known you for a while now. There's some stuff you need to get out. You need to talk because you can pull people together. You can bridge relationships, but something has driven you because you're constantly working. And so that's where it came from. That was the last straw. Joe Lee [00:12:50]: And finally, one day, I just sat down and start writing some stuff. And in here, you know, she'd be like, Joe, I'm gonna pair you with this publisher. And I went back and forth back and forth for about a month or 2, and then finally, I pulled the trigger. And so it took me a year to pull it all together, to be honest with you. Generally, they say you can write a book in about 8, 9, 12 weeks. But it has taken me a year to pull it together, and I finally got it done. And it just went to formatting as of last week. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:12]: Well, congratulations. I know as an author myself, how long it takes. And I would say 8 weeks is pretty quick depending on how long the book is. Joe Lee [00:13:20]: Well, depending on how busy you are too. Right? And that's what I said to my publisher. I said, hey, you're missing something here. I own a company. I can't just sit down and write a book. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:28]: Now, one of the chapters in the book is all about being a girl dad and talking about being a father itself. So I've got a couple of questions after looking through what you've been writing there. So as you think back on your pre fatherhood self, what aspects of your life and identity surprised you the most as you embrace the role of father, particularly to a daughter? Joe Lee [00:13:50]: So that goes that's gonna roll right into the chapter probably before that. If we step back, I took on many roles in life. Right? I took on many roles. And as this economy and world of life has expanded with women growing in culture and in business, I was in the entertainment business. And so for me to be a girl that, again, friends of mine, old past friends of mine was like, I heard you're a girl dad. I heard you're a hands on girl dad. I heard you're doing hair and doing pedicures of all people. Not you, Joe. Joe Lee [00:14:24]: Jolie, girl dad. So, you know, with that, I cannot say that I've ever been disrespectful or physically abused or mentally abused any female that I've ever encountered. Has there been a reaction to something? Yes, possibly. Who knows? But I have never purposely done that. So for me, owning up to the responsibilities and my role as a father, again, it goes back to making sure that I'm giving her what she needs emotionally, being a mentor to her, being a protector, teaching her the ways and means of being a girl as well with the other side of it that comes from her mother, though we're, you know, we're shared households, not in shared households. And so being a dad is really playing that role of an active role model in her life, contributing to her growth, contributing to her development, and her well-being. So just like I can see things on the street when I step out my door every day or have a gauge of a potential accident that might happen if I go right or left. I'm teaching her those things. Joe Lee [00:15:31]: I've been teaching her those things. I'm teaching her the things that she is going to need to succeed in any career that she desires her heart to take in in corporate America and in life. So it also involves just fathering and fostering a strong and positive connection with her. So I nurture her, and I have nurtured her to this day. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:51]: Now you just talked about that you are going through fatherhood as a single dad. Could you elaborate a little bit more on the challenges that you faced while navigating single fatherhood, especially during custody battles and how these challenges shaped your overall journey. Joe Lee [00:16:07]: With that, that came to me. It's like being a new person to a job you've never done before. And you if somebody's giving you the opportunity and you're just gonna take it head on and you're gonna learn, you're going to gather all the information, you're gonna do some research and things of that nature. I think with my situation, one thing that helped me out, Chris, was I spent 10 years in law. I worked my way up from the mailroom to being...
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Joe Cody Discusses IVF, Advocacy, and Raising a Daughter
04/22/2024
Joe Cody Discusses IVF, Advocacy, and Raising a Daughter
Join us as we delve into the gripping narrative of on the Dads with Daughters podcast, where he shares his multifaceted life as an entrepreneur, advocate, and a devoted father. Infertility Journey Joe retraces the trying ordeal that marked the beginning of his fatherhood journey—the quest for parenthood through IVF. He lays bare his family's emotional rollercoaster, marked by failed IVF attempts, a heartbreaking miscarriage, and financial strain amounting to $60,000. Grain Fertility: A Beacon of Hope Amidst the turmoil, Joe's expertise in health policy, coupled with his volunteer work for Resolve, sparked the inception of . The app, enriched by Joe's personal saga, stands as a testament to turning adversity into a beacon of hope, aiding countless individuals in their fertility quests. Empowerment Through Technology Grain Fertility not only simplifies the daunting medical landscape but also fosters understanding and empowerment. It epitomizes Joe's crusade for accessible reproductive healthcare—the service, available in both free and premium versions, embodies the convergence of education, support, and expertise. Fatherhood Through the Lens of Fertility Struggles Joe eloquently articulates how overcoming fertility hurdles has sculpted him into a more present and grateful father. Whether relishing the anticipation of his daughter's future or savoring shared moments at a Frozen musical, he exemplifies the profound appreciation and unshakable love that stem from his experiences. Defining Moments and Lasting Advice In an intimately revealing 'Fatherhood 5' segment, Joe distills fatherhood to its essence: love. He humbly acknowledges his aspirations for his daughter, imparting wisdom to fellow fathers on kindness and the pivotal role of love in parenting. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you, talk to you, to engage with you, to find that commonality that we have in raising daughters in today's society. And I know that each of us are on our own journey. But you know what? We are all on a collective journey because we are all raising daughters. And that's important because all of us come to this with our own backgrounds, but we don't have to do this alone. There are so many other dads around us. And while society may sometimes push us to be that lone wolf per se, that alpha male, that person that is that is being challenged to go alone and do things by yourself. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:10]: You don't have to. And that's what this podcast is all about. This podcast is here as a resource. It's here to help you to go on a journey with all of the dads that are guests, all of the people that are guests to find those resources and find those commonalities, learn something along the way, and help you as you are going through your own journey. Because you don't have to be alone. And you have a community right here. That's here to help you in that journey that you're on every week. I also love being able to have different guests with us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:43]: And why? Because I 1, I like learning from them. But also, 2, I love being able to introduce them to you. So we have dads that come on moms that come on. We have other people with many different resources and it is always a fun time to be able to learn about the journey that they've been on and the things that they have struggled with as well, because I'm sure many of the things that they're struggling with, you're struggling with too. Today, we've got another great guest with us. Joe Cody was with us today, and Joe is a father of a daughter. We're gonna talk about his own journey, and I'm really excited to have him here. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Cody [00:02:18]: Oh, thanks for having me on, Chris. I appreciate it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]: It is my pleasure. Love that you're here, and I'm really excited to be able to learn a little bit more about you. 1st and foremost, we got to turn the clock back a couple of years now. Your daughter is in that age 3 range. So we're going to talk about what it's been like in these these years that you've had with her. So let's turn that clock back in time. What was that first reaction that you had when you first found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:02:46]: My journey is like a lot of people's where we were trying for years to try to have a child get pregnant. We had to go through almost 4 years of infertility treatment, IVF specifically, to try to have our daughter. So when we got that phone call from our reproductive endocrinologist saying that my wife was pregnant, it was an unbelievable feeling. And then the way that IVF process works, you find out much quicker than other people do about the gender of the child and other stuff. So I found out this we were gonna have a baby girl, and I was ecstatic. I was at that point where I didn't really care whether or not I had a boy or girl. I was just so blessed to have a child concerning the journey we had gone through. And then I really started to think through. Joe Cody [00:03:24]: I found myself fast forwarding through decades already where I was thinking about our graduation, about walking right down the aisle, and these other things that dads think about as you go through that process. But then I had to kind of rewind to come back into the moment. So it was really exciting moment for me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:38]: Now, a lot of dads tell me that, especially in raising daughters and you only have a daughter, I only have daughters. So I can't say that I have the same experience and understanding what a father with a son goes through. But a lot of the dads that I talked to that are dads with daughters have said that there's some fear that goes along with being a father to a daughter. What's been your biggest fear in raising your daughter so far? Joe Cody [00:04:04]: I think for me, it is you don't know necessarily what you're doing because you don't have that experience of being a little girl or a woman growing up in today's world. So you think as a a male who has gone through your experiences, you know, that sheds light onto the way that we're going to approach different situations. But understanding that her perspective is gonna be completely different. She's growing up in a completely different time than I did. So is that fear of am I doing things the right way, and am I actually adequately preparing her for what she needs in life later on, knowing that her journey is gonna be complete different than mine? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:39]: There's definitely ups and downs in that journey. It's not always roses. It's not always going to be easy. What's been the hardest part of being a dad to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:04:50]: I think for me, the process going through and having her and then immediately she was born April 2020, so at the very start of the pandemic. So you have a pandemic baby who's born, and you we didn't have a lot of support for that first 6 to 9 months because no one had vaccines yet. Everyone was still trying to figure out what was going on. So we felt really isolated, during that process. We did get to see our parents a few times during it, but for the most part so and a lot of that was trying to figure out what are we doing going through this process. And There are so many small things with little girls that you don't think of as a a male growing up and trying to figure out those things. So I think that was, you know, one of the things that we've just tried to figure out, but constantly trying to remind myself that a lot of us, we don't really know what we're doing. We're kinda figuring this out as we go, and we're doing the best we can, and that's the most we can do. Joe Cody [00:05:45]: And I think if we continue to love and support and provide, everything that she needs, I think we're gonna be just fine. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:52]: Now you've had your daughter in your life now for about three and a half years, and you've had definite experiences. You just talked about the experience that you had right away. There are definite memories, things that you'll remember, things that she'll start to remember as she gets a little bit older. What's been the most memorable experience that you've had thus far as a father to a daughter? Joe Cody [00:06:17]: He is really into pretend and to dressing up and all of those things. And it's very funny because we didn't necessarily push any of those things until, you know, quote, unquote, constructs of what a a girl should be doing. She just naturally gravitated towards those and loves Disney princesses. So for Christmas this year, we actually went to go see the Frozen musical at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC where we live. So for Christmas Eve, that's what we did. It's my wife, Kate, my daughter, and I went out, had the 3 of us then went to dinner afterwards. And it was an amazing time, and she just loved the entire thing. She got to wear her Elsa dress to the musical and knew the songs, and it was a very it was an amazing experience to be able to to see that. Joe Cody [00:07:01]: So that's one of those things that I know I will remember. Hopefully, she does as well, but there are lots of small things too that we've been able to do together. I really am into college football and sports, and she's really started to love watching sports with me, which I haven't tried to push it, but I am kind of to a degree because it's a a really great way for us to be able to bond together. So she'll start chanting. I'm from Missouri originally, so I'm a large Mizzou fan. And so she'll start saying m I z z o u, and she had chanting along and stuff. So it's very funny to be able to see her do that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:33]: I love it. And I'm sure, you know, down the road, you'll have to see, you know, who she's gonna be rooting for for the Super Bowl and beyond and, you know, have some fun along the way. Joe Cody [00:07:41]: Exactly. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:42]: Now, you're a busy guy. You've got a lot of things going on. You're an entrepreneur, but you also are involved in a lot of other things. Talk to me about balance and how you have found balance in your life to be able to be the engaged father that you want to be while still being able to do the things that you need to do to support your family and want to do to be able to move your career forward and the other things that you're doing forward. Joe Cody [00:08:09]: I I think one of the things that I've tried to do is to make it a priority to build it into your schedule. You have to make an effort in order to be there for my wife to be able to help out with stuff. You know, as you're trying to do I'm trying to build a company right now. I've had other jobs. I've been doing nonprofit work. I've been doing advocacy work for the National Fertility Association, all these things. But I always will try to have a few hour window in the evening where after daycare is over or before bedtime, we're doing stuff together. I try not to schedule as many calls as I can. Joe Cody [00:08:41]: Try to be there to be able to play, pick up or drop off 1 of the 2, be there to cook dinner, be there for bath, bedtime. And if there are additional things that have to get done, they get done afterwards. But trying to prioritize that time knowing that we only have a little bit of time while, you know, we're together, and it seems like it's gonna be forever. But in reality, you know, it's speeding along very quickly. So me making it a priority and as I go through the entrepreneurial process or everything else, I constantly tell myself that no matter what we do, it's never gonna be as hard as the process we had trying to have her and trying to remember why we went through everything we did, the the money we spent, the emotional turmoil, and the stuff that I'm doing now and trying to help other people who are trying who are struggling with having kids. I'm doing it so that they can have those memories as well. So trying to prioritize all that's incredibly important to me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:34]: So let's talk about this IVF journey that you and your wife were on. I know that it can be a long arduous journey and definitely challenging, frustrating. And and I know that that journey that you went on has led you to building a new company called Grain Fertility, with an app that that is helping other families that are going through a similar process. So I guess let's talk first about this journey that you were on. And how did that lead you to starting this new company? Joe Cody [00:10:09]: Yeah. So like a lot of couples, when after you get married, you think about wanting to have kids. And we put it off for a few years. My wife is a teacher. She was getting her master's degree at that time considering if she wanted to be a principal. We were gonna buy a house. You know, we're going through the traditional step by step process that everyone says you're supposed to go through. So we didn't really make having a child a priority early on in our marriage. Joe Cody [00:10:29]: But as we started to have problems of experiencing that, it really became apparent that it was gonna be a much more arduous journey. And so that ended up being about three and a half years of infertility treatment that we had. And over that course of that, we had 5 failed rounds of IVF. We had one miscarriage. We had to go to 2 different clinics and spent close to $60,000 out of pocket to go through the entire process. And as I went through that, I kept thinking there has to be a way for us to be able to be able to make more informed decisions and to try to regain a sense of control that you lose as you go through the infertility process. You really feel like you are a passenger in your own journey, and there are so many things you have zero control over as you go through that process. And my background is in health policy. Joe Cody [00:11:15]: I worked on the hill. I worked for consulting firms. Done for 16 plus years in DC trying to work on health policy issues. So I started to volunteer for a a patient organization called Resolve, the National Amp and amphetamine Association, as a way to try to take back some of that control, try to help others use my skill set to try to impact policy at the national level. So that way people who weren't as fortunate as myself who couldn't afford these numerous cycles of the process could try to be able to go through that process in a little easier, more cost effective way. And as we went through that journey together, I realized how common it was that people really struggled in trying to understand everything that's thrown at them as they go through that process. Grain Fertility is the application that I wish that we had as we went through that process. The whole idea was, based off of what my wife did to manage her own information. Joe Cody [00:12:04]: She carried a binder to all of her doctor's appointments, and that was the way that her doctors knew what was going on because those doctors aren't communicating to one another. The patients were the ones who had to take control of that situation. So the application essentially is a way to be able to patients to be able to take some of that control back and to be more empowered and educated as they go through this process. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:22]: So the name, Grain Fertility, talk to me about that. What was it and why why did you call it that? And what is the the symbolic nature of that name for the organization itself? Joe Cody [00:12:35]: Yeah. So for a couple of things. 1, so my my background is in health policy and for the last 7 years I've worked in health IT policy specifically. But a lot of the data that we have in our doctor's office, it's all granular. It's all been siloed away from one of another. So it's not really able to be transformed into something greater. But then I took Latin in high school. And when you look back at the history of agriculture and fertility being tied together, you look at the Greek and Roman goddesses, most of the time, you know, you have Demeter. Joe Cody [00:13:05]: As the goddess of fertility and of grain. So there's this association between both grain and fertility being tied together. And so I really wanted to be able to have a way to be able to symbolize how we're trying to transform that data into something greater to be able to help promote greater fertility for individuals who are struggling with their own journey. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:24]: So let's talk about what this what your organization now is creating. I said you have this app that is out there to help people that are going through this process like you were talking about specifically. And so talk to me about the app, what you've created, how it works, and how it is simplifying the process for individuals as they are going from patient from doctor to doctor as they're going through this process? Joe Cody [00:13:51]: Yeah. So one of the things that we are really trying to achieve is to be able to promote a better sense of education and empowerment for the individual. So this application, Grain Fertility, that is available for download, patients will sign up for it and then we walk them through the process of collecting their health information. We'll help them create a timeline that allows them to visualize their fertility journey in one place and we give them organizational tools that allow them to access the different information they need when they need it. So right now, a lot of patients who are going through fertility treatment or managing any disease really have to go to their doctor's, portal in order to sign up. You log in your information. You'll be able to see some of your information, but it's not really accessible and it's really hard to be able to understand. A lot of times, it's in medical language, acronyms, and other stuff their doctors have written in these clinical notes. Joe Cody [00:14:42]: So not only do we allow that patient to be able to import that information, put it on the application, have it files on their phone, computer, wherever they want, we also provide them with educational resources and tools and connect them with other organizations that help them understand what that means. We we really believe that an educated patient is an empowered patient, and information by itself doesn't necessarily help unless you understand the context of what that means for your own individual case. So we try to provide those resources directly to the patient so that they understand what that information means in context of their own journey, and then they can start to ask their health care provider, what are the things I need to be doing in order to increase my chances of success? What are the things I should be doing? And what are the things that are coming next so I feel more prepared for the journey? Everything doesn't feel like a surprise. All of that starts to snowball into a patient that feels more in control. They know what's coming on. They can make better decisions because they are more informed. Just like in business, I firmly believe that if an individual has more information at their fingertips and they understand what it means, they can make better decisions. Same thing with our health care. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:45]: So if people are interested in this application, is there a cost to it? How do they access it? What are they going to be seeing when they get into...
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Navigating Dad-Daughter Dynamics: Stories from the Ash-Shakoor Family
04/15/2024
Navigating Dad-Daughter Dynamics: Stories from the Ash-Shakoor Family
Today's Dads with Daughters' podcast featured some amazing guests. actor, pastor and father, and his daughter . The discussions revolved around their experiences, highlighting the integral role of fathers in daughter's lives, and providing valuable lessons for dads everywhere. **A Father's Protective Instinct and Balancing Parenthood with a Career** When Aqeel learned he was about to become a father to a daughter, he felt a profound sense of responsibility and protectiveness. He reflected on his initial desire to have a daughter and shared the powerful moment of witnessing her birth. Aqeel also discussed the concerns fathers often face, particularly when it comes to protecting their daughters in a world that can sometimes be unkind. Balancing a busy career with involved fatherhood, Aqeel emphasizes the importance of prioritization, with a three-rule mantra: 'God, family, handle your business.' **The Importance of Father-Daughter Relationships** Jaylah spoke candidly about the evolution of her appreciation for her father's protective nature. As she transitioned into adulthood, she understood the value of having a supportive dad and recognized the unique challenges that come with the territory. Aqeel and Jaylah mutually stressed the significance of a father's presence and guidance in shaping a daughter's sense of self and decision-making abilities. **Communication and Trust - Key Pillars of Parenthood** A crucial topic discussed in the podcast revolves around the essence of communication in building strong father-daughter relationships. Aqeel and Jaylah highlighted the need for clear dialogue, understanding, and a foundation of trust. They emphasized that parents must believe in their children's capabilities and support them in carving their own paths, even when they diverge from expectations. **Building Confidence and Resilience** Aqeel shared an affectionate account of fostering confidence in Jaylah. He recounted his efforts to instill resilience by encouraging her to embrace challenges, including navigating self-doubt at her new school. This mirrors in Jaylah's own aspirations for impact and influence in her endeavors as an influencer and entrepreneur. **The Ash-Shakoor Legacy of Individualism and Success** Aqeel's humble beginnings and his vow at nine years old to achieve success laid a foundation for his parenting approach, focused on teaching his children to believe in themselves without excuses. Jaylah spoke of her father's imprint on her ambition, the value of taking charge, and owning the room, attributing her confidence to the freedom her parents granted her. In conclusion, this episode serves as a powerful testament to the deep bonds, challenges, and triumphs within father-daughter relationships. It's an encouragement for dads to embrace their unique journey with their daughters, supporting them to reach their full potential, and leaving a legacy of love, respect, and understanding. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down and talk to you about the journey that you are on with your daughters. Doug. It is a exciting time. It is a important time, and it is so important for you to be actively engaged in your daughter's lives And being willing to learn along with her and going on this journey along with her as well. Every week, I also love being able to have different people, different people to share their experiences. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:56]: We've had dads on the show. We've had moms on the show. We've had Other people with tons of resources that are sharing those resources with you. And there are special moments when I have an opportunity to be able to have a Father and a daughter on the show, and that's today what we're going to be doing. Today, I've got 2 great guests with us. Reverend Dr. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor is with us today, and his daughter, Jaylah, is with us as well. And I'm really excited to have them here today to talk about Their journey as father and daughter and to learn more from them. Aqeel, Jaylah, thanks so much for being here today. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:01:35]: Thank you much. Thank you. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:01:36]: No problem. Thank you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:38]: Well, I really appreciate you both being here. And I guess first and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time, Aqeel. I want to have you go back. I wanna go all the way back. I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father. To a daughter. What was going through your head? Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:01:55]: Wow. Amazing. That is a trip down memory lane. I will say that. So the journey goes like this. My first son, which is the oldest, his name is Jabriel. And so when I was in the marine corps serving active duty, the One of my gunnery sergeants had a little daughter, and, I was just so marveled that she was, like, 2 years old. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:15]: But she was so affluent, and her Noah. Was just incredible. She can carry on the conversation. I just was, like, from there, so I kept asking him, like, what are you guys doing? He just said he just told me that lesson. Just don't talk baby talk to them when they get older. So I had that in mind, but at the same time, our 1st child was a son. And let me tell you something. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:34]: I think I forgot all about no That I wanted a girl first. So here we are. We're living in Hollywood, Florida. And I tell you, we came home, and I realized that, wow, No. It's finally happening. We've had we're here to have a girl. It was like, wow. Based off of my mother, my mother had boy, girl,. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:02:53]: Which I have been the oldest, and my sister was the youngest. And so I definitely wanted to complete that, at least have a girl and a boy in this lifetime. And now here it was. We're about to bring this little thing right here that we call Jaylah into the world, and it was just Nuts. So amazing. I can still see standing in the delivery room now, and even our oldest son was standing at the foot of the bed too. No He was witnessing her coming into the world as well, and that is just I'm doing a poor job being able to put it into words because I can never find the words for that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:27]: Now I hear from a lot of fathers that especially with daughters that there are times where the There is fear. There's fear in raising daughters, and I hear that a lot from a lot of dads. And I guess for you, what was or is your biggest fear In raising a daughter. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:03:44]: Okay. We already get to the beat of this thing already. Yes. So my daughter and my wife contend that It is the same raising girls as it is boys, and I contend that it's not. There's a lot of protectiveness And no fault of her own, but I just I have always just felt like, you know, that hedge of protection. If I can't be there, no I'm always worried even when she was away in college. From walking through the house at 2 o'clock in the morning, and I think about it, she gets a call at 2 AM in the morning. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:04:20]: And still sometimes now. And she may say, daddy, what in the world is going on? I said, oh, nothing. I'm good now. I just needed to hear your voice. But you just always wonder about something happening. And I and maybe we shouldn't think that way, but, You're just always wondering. With the boys, I feel like the boys, can handle themselves, but, you know, the daughter, the the daughter is everything. She you know, you think of her being left unprotected with no covering. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:04:49]: And, You know, and I gotta tell the truth here. And, you know, Chris, when we think about who we were as little boys, we understand why we were about our little girls. So Definitely. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:02]: And, Jaylah, how does that make you feel? Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:05:04]: Well, you know what? Honestly, if you had been asking me this question probably about about 4 years ago. I'd probably laugh and just think it was a joke. But, in all seriousness, I think now, having grown into, Domino's. A woman. I do think that it's it's very interesting because it's true to it. You know? And I think the older you get, the As a young lady, you start to see the world more. You see men like that. You know? You see me and dad's age. You actually you work with some of the men on dad's age and just in that male group, and you start to pick up on how men think, How they speak, how they view themselves, and how they view others, and women as well. It it does as a woman, I feel like When you get older, it does make you, be a little bit more grateful for that. And I've had the Different, friends and associates and different groups who grew up without fathers, and dads or or what have you. And it's very interesting the To hear the difference in the response to that question. So when you're younger, you always think, oh, oh, sure. You know, if I didn't have my dad, my dad's just controlling me. But now looking back, it's like, wow. You know? If you know, fathers need their daughters, and daughters honestly need their fathers. Yeah. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:06:26]: They really, really, really do. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:27]: Now, Aqeel, 1 question that I have to throw out your way is that you're a busy guy. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:06:33]: Yes, sir. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:34]: And you and I were joking about this before we started today, but you dip your toe in a lot of different water, And you've done a lot of different things in your career. And I guess first and foremost, I wanna what I wanna get into here is the Being as busy as you are, there's a balance that has to happen that you have to have in your life the To be able to be that dad that you wanna be. Talk to me about that road that you had to walk for you to be able to Balance the things that you had going outside of the house, outside of the family unit, and how you balance that with What you wanted to be as a person inside the family unit. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:07:17]: It's easy now that I'm already doing it, and I know the pattern that I set with the children. And I have what we call a three rule priority, and that three rule priority keeps me well balanced. And it goes, god, the Family handle your business. God family handle your business. God, family, handle your business. I am a no nonsense guy when it comes to my family is everything with me, And I teach them all the same. You can do everything in the world. And I hope I'm not jumping a gun here, but they were all raised. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:07:54]: Can't is not in the vocabulary. The I'm trying is not in the vocabulary. You're either doing it or you're not, and you can do. I'm a father that Not just saying cliche is that you can do whatever you wanna do. I'm a realist by saying, no. You can do it if you want to do it. That's just it. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:08:14]: But god, family handle your business. We don't compromise that at any point in life. No And so whether if I get a call and I'm on the road, it's god, family, handle your business. That's how it goes. And it's really as simple as that. And I I even, when I Council people. I talked to him about the same thing, and amazingly, it works. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:33]: And, Jaylah, I guess, as you hear that and, the You know, you think back to being raised in a family that is instilling that in you. Talk to me about what that was like for you as a the Young girl moving into womanhood, becoming a woman, now reflecting back on what you have been taught and how that's helped you or hindered you either way the In helping you to become who you are today. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:08:56]: So, actually, I do love that question because it is twofold. So based the what my dad was explaining is we have always in our household, even with the boys, made it about god. God is the center of everything. He's the head of everything. So the 1st father of the family is always gonna be god, and that relationship is very important because as I'm sure you know, because, you know, you explained you have the Children or child as well. You know that parenting has also been said to be very difficult as well. And having god at the the of everything. Sometimes when you don't understand your children or specifically your daughter, you look for answers too. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:09:34]: So it's not just us as daughters wanting all the answers like, the Why does my dad understand? Like, he doesn't get it. Mom, but she gets it, but dad just won't get it. I really feel like, you know, god holds the answers to relationship building. And a big part of relationship building is the communication piece. I feel like that's where a lot of times, daughters, when they're the Being raised, it's that communication piece. It's why won't dad understand me, or does dad understand me? And then vice versa, does my daughter understand what I'm the because this one thing to say, it it sounds good and and it does come off well, but a lot of time, there's a age gap as well where it's a disconnect. We're still trying to be kids. We're wanting to do what what's going on out in the world, especially when you attend, like, public schooling. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:10:21]: You're faced with different things every day, and the It's tempting, but god being the head and the center of everything is always what kinda draws you back to your roots, the Which in the end, goes based off of how you're raised, you're teaching. And so fast forward to now, it's very eye opening because everything I do in my daily life, it always the back to this one lesson that my dad taught me, and it's to take charge. And now when he first started saying this to me, I think I was probably midway through college. And every time I call them, I'm pumped. I'm in the mood. I'm in the the and I'm like, I'm gonna go ahead here. I'm gonna kill this interview, dad. I got the job or what have you. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:11:01]: And he's always like, listen. The I have nothing else to say. Say your prayers, you know, talk to god about it, and take charge. So recently, you know, it really has been on my mind, and I'm like, the What does it really mean to take charge? You know? And I just feel like as a as a as a female and, you know, as a woman and as a daughter, the To me, it's like owning the room that you're staying in. Whatever room you enter into, own the room. Like, the Like, you don't even have to know my name, but you should get the vibe of what I'm about, who I am, and the value that I hold. But so I think that a lot of times, dads, the They really bring that that foundational piece where it's like, take charge. Like, I am who I am, and I'm owning the room, well spoken. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:11:44]: The Like, you wouldn't even have to know my dad to know that I come from good raising just by speaking to me. So that's just, you know, a little bit of of of basically just his teachings and how They started to affect me over the years into now as, you know, a woman. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:11:59]: You know, Chris, can I just add to that? I'm fighting back the Tears right now. So you're about to get some real tears. I tell you, just hearing that is what every parent wants to hear, all the lessons that you've given in life. And what I have attempted to do, not build a machine, but and by god, this is not excluding my wife. But what I'm saying is is that Doug. What I have attempted to do is to lead by exam. And what I mean what I mean by that is if they see. And they've seen me not use excuses for where I am and the conditions that I'm in that can't work. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:12:36]: Then if I show them that it's possible, that and that's all it is. So I started to say, you know, how we had that phrase, think outside the box. The Well, every time I find those cliches, I add to it. So instead of thinking and and instead of me raising them to think outside the box, I tell them to think beyond the outside of the box. You see, because thinking outside the box has a limitation because once you're outside the box, you stop thinking. So I want you to think beyond the outside of the box, and then You create such a situation that you go from believing to knowing in God that it will work. Now we're not. Aqeel Ash-Shakoor [00:13:13]: Not even talking about manifesting it, but I I stick to if you create it in your mind and you see it in your mind, You can do it, and it happens. And I'll I'll probably end up touching up on that a little bit more. So even to hear her talk, under and I'll I'll back off here, but I didn't have that Great confidence I had like that in school even though I was popular playing sports and everything. It wasn't until I got into the marine corps and got all around the world that I Had to build this up. And so what I realized was that you can be very confident and very assured in yourself without being conceded, and that's what I wanted to instill in them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:49]: So, Jaylah, let's reflect back then. How did your dad help you to find that confidence in your life? You talked about that the In college, it really kind of clicked. But think back to as you were younger and you were growing up with your brothers, what did Aqeel do to be able to help you to find that confident? And I know it's not just Aqeel because I know your mother as well, and I know that she is a part of the team. But talk to me about what your dad did specifically to help you to find that confidence to be the person that you are today. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:14:21]: I Can't honestly say I think it has a lot to do with the freedom of individualism. Parents, you guys talk a lot about the How it's different raising all of your children, whether they're boys or girls, is gonna be different for each one given being their personalities. So I think the the Freedom to have whatever personality we chose was the biggest thing for me. Like, I was more so of you know, I was the only girl. I'm the middle child, the And I was just full of personality. I'm singing this day bouncing all across the house. The next day, I wanted to run outside and be with the boys, and the I really think that it had a lot to do with giving us the freedom to experiment within our personalities. Dies. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:15:05]: And I didn't always get it right. Even, like I said, growing up, I started to have issues with my identity, like, just knowing who I was, being confident in who I was. The And I can say for females, we experience a lot of that due to going to puberty, a lot of things that. Take effect going into our teenage years and then our young adult years. A lot of it has to do with the Just the phases of becoming an adult. And so my biggest thing was growing up, went through this gap in this period of time where I was like, okay. The How do I become the young woman that I wanna be while also adhering to what god will want me to be, what the My parents will be proud of. Let's just be honest there as well. Jaylah Ash-Shakoor [00:15:51]: For me, identity was a big thing, and it was just there were days when I was waking up, and I was just like, I'm just not seeing it. The Like, this can't be life. This can't be what it's like to kinda go through the phases of growing up and understanding who you are, and It took effect in my schooling. It took effect, at home, and there were...
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Steve Steele: A Coach's Journey of Love, Family, and Empowering Daughters
04/08/2024
Steve Steele: A Coach's Journey of Love, Family, and Empowering Daughters
Fatherhood is a journey filled with an array of unique challenges and rewarding moments. In the Dads with Daughters podcast, guest Steve Steele sheds light on his personal journey as a father of four, offering insightful perspectives and valuable advice. From embracing the differences in raising daughters and sons to balancing work as a coach and family life, Steve shares his experiences and the lessons he has learned along the way. Embracing Differences in Raising Sons and Daughters Steve starts by highlighting the differences he observed in raising his son, Simon, and his daughters, Gianna and Shay. He emphasizes that each child is unique, showcasing distinct interests and needs. As a coach, Steve acknowledges the importance of engaging with his children's individual passions, even if they differ from his own. He underlines the significance of being a playful father, actively participating in activities that resonate with his daughters, thus fostering a supportive and understanding environment. Parental Presence and One-on-One Time The significance of one-on-one time with each child resonates throughout Steve's narrative. Given the demands of a coaching career and the challenges of raising four children, finding dedicated time for each child becomes essential. Steve emphasizes both physical and emotional presence, acknowledging that being mentally and emotionally available for his children is as important as being physically present. He shares the value of carving out time for individual interactions, aiming to create meaningful connections and memories with each of his children. The Impact of Strong Family Foundations An essential aspect of Steve's journey as a father is the strong foundation built within his family. He recognizes the immense support and understanding of his spouse, highlighting the significance of effective communication and shared responsibilities. Steve acknowledges the mutual respect and cooperation between partners, emphasizing the importance of showing love and support in front of their children. By fostering a strong marital relationship, he aims to provide his children with a positive example of love, understanding, and collaboration. Work-Life Balance and Role Modeling Balancing a demanding career in coaching with family life presents unique challenges, particularly during the football season. Steve discusses the importance of disconnecting from work-related responsibilities upon returning home, ensuring undivided attention towards his family. He underscores the significance of being emotionally available for his children, setting an example by expressing his emotions and demonstrating a respectful, loving relationship with his spouse. Lessons from Steve: Presence and Love Steve's journey as a father is a testament to the power of love, presence, and understanding. His experiences and insights exemplify the vital role that fathers play in shaping their children's lives. Through his dedication to being present, fostering individual connections, and promoting a strong familial foundation, Steve encapsulates the essence of fatherhood, serving as an inspiration for dads navigating similar paths. As fathers, the lessons learned from Steve Steele's journey serve as guiding principles, emphasizing the significance of establishing strong relationships, fostering individual connections, and prioritizing presence and love in creating a nurturing environment for children. Steve's wisdom allows us to embrace the joys and challenges of fatherhood, reminding us that love, understanding, and presence are pivotal elements in nurturing and raising children to become strong, independent individuals. In conclusion, the wisdom imparted by Steve Steele provides invaluable insights into the multifaceted journey of fatherhood, inspiring fathers to navigate this path with love, dedication, and a profound commitment to being present for their children. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to have a conversation with you, to sit down with you, to the Walk with you on this path that you're on to raise those strong, independent women that you want your daughters to become in the future. And every week, It is definitely such a great opportunity for me to be able to work with you on this journey because all of our journeys are just a little bit different. The way that we father is different, and that's okay. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:55]: There's not one right way to father. We learn that every week through the people that come on the show, and I hope that you learn it from the dads that you are talking to in your own communities And that you talk to on a daily basis because it is important to have community, to build community, to the Create that community for yourself. Now every week, I love being able to have different guests on the show that are walking this journey in a little bit different way. And this week, we got another great guest with us. Steve Steele is with us today, and Steve is a father of 4. He's a teacher. He's a coach. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:32]: He's doing a lot of different things, and his football team just won the championships in, in North Dakota. So we're excited about that as well. And we're gonna be talking to him about the journey that he's been on with his kids, and I'm really just excited to have him here today. Steve, thanks so much for being here today. Steve Steele [00:01:51]: Thanks for having me on. Always great to talk about parenting and, you know, how we can make our daughters' lives as good as they can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:57]: Well, I really appreciate you being here. And first and foremost, I know you have 4 kids and I love the the show by being able to turn the clock back in time. And so I wanna turn the clock all the way back to that first moment that you found out you're going to be a dad To a daughter. What was going through your head? Steve Steele [00:02:12]: I didn't find out until she was born. We didn't find out on any of our 4 kids. We had our our boy, Simon, first. He's 6 now. And then, our second one was was Gianna, and, you know, we we actually were kinda stressing about names. You know, we had 2 boys' names picked out when we got married, and we had no girls' names. So, so it was Kind of one of those, soon as they told us it was a girl, and then we met her, then, we kinda had to figure out a name. So we ended up going with Gianna, and we loved that name, and then we and we obviously Steve Steele [00:02:39]: Loved her ever since. And then, same thing on that third one then, with Shay. Shay's our our 2nd daughter, and then ended up with Seth as our 4th, our little boy. So we've got Boy, girl, girl, boy. And, you know, like I said, it's it's never been so much of a preparation in terms of it being a girl or a boy because we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. We just the a healthy baby, and, we're blessed to have 4 of them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:01]: So as you said, 4 kids. You started with a boy, 2 girls, a boy. Talk to me about what you've learned along the way and some of the differences you've seen in going the From being a dad to a son to then being a dad to 2 daughters and now a son again. So what have you had to do differently in the way that you father As you became a father to a daughter. Steve Steele [00:03:26]: I think, honestly, this is one of those things where your 1st kid and I think everyone kinda says this. Your 1st kid, you're You're trying to be ultra prepared in all these things, and then, yeah, you have the 1st kid and kinda regardless boy or girl, you those books don't really tell you a whole lot once you you're faced with, raising this kid. And and, you know, I think that was a really good thing for us to understand was that, hey, you know, no matter how well you prepare, the You you can't be fully prepared to to drive home from the hospital with that beautiful baby, and then going into having a daughter, you know, everything was just Little bit different. You know, I think baby wise, I don't know that there's people that'll say it's one way. It's it's a little easier to sleep or not easier to the based off of boy or girl. I don't know that we found that. Steve Steele [00:04:05]: But, you know, once they kinda got into that playful age, you know, once they get into the the 2 year olds and stuff like that, then it it's definitely been a little bit different. So I think our boy, obviously, way more right into sports wanting to be like dad and do all these things, and our our the was way more into princesses and everything else. And as a coach, being able to embrace that side and not just be like, well, no. You know, we're only gonna do this, the You know, I'm gonna go play with Simon because I like sports more, which, obviously, I like sports more than princesses, but but still being able to to just go and be the playful dad and and and do the the that she enjoys doing. I think that's been the hardest and most important part to keep tabs on, I think, as you get older. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:43]: It is important. It's important to be able to the Be engaged in the things that, as you said, your kids are really excited about. And it may not be the things that you're excited about, But you can get them to be excited about the things that you're excited about in many different ways. And as you said, the Being a father makes you push yourself in many different directions, and you should be pushing yourself to be able to be engaged in that way. The Now you talked about the fact that your daughter does enjoy some of the girl things, some of the, you know, the Barbies or the dolls, the princess aspects, You know, things like that. But each of your kids is completely unique. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:21]: Talk to me about how you've had to work the To develop those unique relationships with each of your children. Also, the fact that you have a role where, the Especially during the fall, you're gonna be really busy. So how do you build those unique relationships to make sure that your kids know the That you are engaged and you are connected to them individually versus collectively. Steve Steele [00:05:46]: That's honestly been one of the biggest Challenges, I guess, as we've had. 1 from 1 to 2, and 2 to 3, and 3 to 4 is finding that kind of 1 on 1 time. You know, I think everybody the In the mornings, it's mayhem. Everyone's running around, getting dressed, and all that, and bedtime can be kinda similar. So I think finding the times to do things that she likes to do, and, you know, with our 2 year old Shay now, kinda she's starting to get to that age where we're looking to do things that she likes to do now too, you know, because she can have her own interest At this point and then just finding the time to to do them whether or not you wanna do them. You know, I think that's a a common parent thing where you get so tired, obviously, with babies, Especially where you're used to not sleeping, and you obviously got your jobs and all that, where it can be tempting to just get home and and wanna relax, And kinda try and shut the kids out and be like, no. No. I'm tired. Steve Steele [00:06:30]: I wanna do this, or I need to do that. And really just putting that aside and putting the kids first and doing whatever it is that they wanna do Because ultimately, that's how they're gonna know you care and that you love them because you're, you know, the I think they probably still understand. Okay. He's tired. Maybe he had a bad day at work or whatever else. If you're willing to put that aside and and and do what the kids wanna do, then they're gonna understand that you love them and care for them and and ultimately that they're important in your life. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:53]: So one of the things that I'd be interested in learning a little bit more about for you is as you you you did start with a son. You've moved into being a father of 2 daughters. And what have you found so far has been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Steve Steele [00:07:10]: I think the hardest part in a lot of ways is Probably, you know, when they choose things, it it is I mean, again, I I like the Disney movies. My Little Pony is a is a very big favorite of the girls right now, and Super Kitties. And And there are just some shows where I mean, it's it's hard to to want to be interested in some of them. And, you know, the books, we're really big readers, you know, with our family. I think that the Both are that was another big thing that my wife and I were very important on is trying to make sure that they've read a 1,000 books by kindergarten. They have a program here at our local library that all of our the Kids have now done. And then, you know, it really allows you to learn what they like and kinda see the different interests that they have through what books they choose at the library. Steve Steele [00:07:48]: And My Little Pony's just kinda been one, and, Fancy Nancy is another one where the girls really, really enjoy those, and, you know, obviously, again, it's you you read sportsbooks or my son's into Star Wars, and Those are a little bit easier for me to get into when you're reading to them, but really just diving in and and making it being goofy, being silly, and And and kinda making sure that you're having just as much fun reading those books can be a challenge at times. So finding the ways to to kinda let yourself out of that box of What you feel like you might enjoy, and and just being goofy and and having fun with the girls the way that they need to have fun too is is been a challenge, but it's something that I think's Been very rewarding for for both myself and my daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:26]: Now as a coach, in a lot of ways, you are a mentor, you are a dad To many other people in many different ways and how you have to work with the people on your team to be able to get them to the Accomplish what you're hoping for them to accomplish and to work together. How has being a coach helped you In the way that you father. Steve Steele [00:08:50]: You know, I would almost argue it's the opposite in that, you know, really having kids has has made me a better coach. Just in that sense that, you know, I think the the the schematic side of of coaching is is something that you're gonna get from from playing that sport or whatnot, and obviously, from your coaching mentors and all that kind of stuff. But, you know, when you have your own kids and and you You have that love and that caring that it's you really can't understand until you have your own. I mean, then all of a sudden when you're coaching kids, you're you're coaching other peoples. You know that what they love, and they've loved forever, and will love forever. And I think that really kinda changed my my mentality of a lot of ways, and I think that's changed, the My philosophy of coaching a little bit just in that sense that it does make you really focus on the person first, and focus on the good kids and giving them the experience that I would want for my own kids. And, you know, I think that my kids are are fortunate. Steve Steele [00:09:37]: They get to be around the team a lot. You know, all season long, they they're ending up at practice the here and there. One's at one thing, then the rest will be at practice or or vice versa. And the the kids love having them around, and I think it goes both ways in the sense that they also See me being a dad, and understand that, hey, I'm a football coach, but right now my kids are here, and we're not just gonna leave them, and they're gonna be equally as involved as the everybody else because they're here right now, and, you know, some of the the kids do great jobs having fun with our kids, you know, whenever they're at practice, and managers do an awesome jobs with the kids. And the All of our other coaches have kids too, and a lot of them are at practice. So it's a very family friendly atmosphere and, you know, something that I hope benefits the kids as they Obviously, graduate, go on, and and then have families of their own, but also something that I think really benefits our own kids. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:22]: Let's talk a little bit more about the That life work balance because I think that that's challenging for many dads. And as I said, you're a busy guy. You've got a lot of things going on, especially during the football season. And, you know, you're gonna be pulled away from your family in many different ways. And with kids being young, that's not always an easy thing to understand. So Talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to have that balance, to be engaged in that way that you want to be engaged even when you're being pulled away the In that fall term where you're in that football season. Steve Steele [00:10:54]: Yeah. You know, I think this is probably the most important thing, and by no means am I remotely perfect on this. I know I can always be better But, you know, finding ways to disconnect from your phone. I mean, I think that's a huge and important thing where, you know, especially, again, in the coaching world that you're gonna go home, and you're gonna get text From parents and kids and players and coaches and everybody else with questions, some of them are important questions that that need to be answered, some of them are not. I think the the most important thing that we we're trying to do is just put that phone on do not disturb until the kids go to bed. Whenever I get home, it's, you know, hey. This is their time. I've no my time at work. Steve Steele [00:11:26]: I've spent my time at practice. So the kids are gonna go to bed at 7:30, 8 o'clock. They're still young. So if you get home at 6, the giving them that dedicated 2 hours is important. You don't want them to see them for the 2 hours a day that you get to see them where they're seeing you on your phone. So really just making sure that when I am home, the My attention is on them. And like we said, we're trying to find the 1 on 1 time. You know, usually, we kinda let 1 of them stay up after bedtime of the rest of them to kinda spend some of that 1 on 1 time Steve Steele [00:11:51]: Just so that we do get some every week, but, you know, otherwise then once they're all in bed and everyone's happy, then you can try and get back to the phone and and answer some of those questions if they're there. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:00]: Talk to me a little bit about a lot of times this goes down to this goes down to the fact that you have to have a strong foundation the in your family to be able to support your kids and allow for your kids to be able to see that strong foundation too. You talk about the fact that you and your wife are working hard to be able the connect and to help your kids to be strong, but you've got young kids. And having young kids definitely can cause a lot of stress too. And while you're trying to create those strong relationships with your own daughters, you also have to maintain a strong relationship the Inside your family with your significant other. So what have you had to do to be able to maintain that strong relationship with your spouse even when it's stressful, When you're busy, you're being pulled out. When you've got the demands of 4 kids that are all needing something a little bit different. Yeah. Steve Steele [00:12:52]: I mean, first and foremost, I mean, my wife's a champ. I mean, she's Know the right way to describe it, but nothing would function...
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Growing Together: Nurturing Mental Health and Creating Special Moments with Daughters
04/01/2024
Growing Together: Nurturing Mental Health and Creating Special Moments with Daughters
Being a father is a journey full of joy, challenges, and growth. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomed guest , a father of two, to discuss the unique experiences and challenges of raising daughters. Their heartfelt conversation touched on various aspects of fatherhood, including creating special moments, balancing work and family, mental health, and nurturing unique connections with each child as they grow. Let's explore some of the key takeaways and insights shared in this insightful episode. Creating Special Moments and Individualized Experiences Tim Cox emphasized the importance of spending quality time with his 8-year-old daughter, especially with the arrival of her 3-year-old brother. He and his partner make a conscious effort to create separate and special experiences for each child, recognizing their individual needs and interests. This highlights the significance of fostering unique connections with each child and ensuring that they feel valued and cherished. Engaging in activities that resonate with each child, such as playing games, being inspired by educational shows like Bluey, and sharing a love for music and creativity, plays a pivotal role in strengthening the bond between father and daughter. These shared experiences lay a strong foundation for building trust, communication, and lasting memories. It's a testament to the power of quality time spent with children, nurturing their emotional well-being and overall development. Balancing Work and Family The challenges of balancing work and family are a common concern for many fathers. Tim and Dr. Christopher acknowledged the difficulty of managing professional responsibilities while prioritizing family time. Tim, who works in social media for a university, expressed his struggles with finding a balance and not missing out on creating memorable moments with his daughter. This resonates with many fathers who strive to provide for their families while also being actively engaged in their children's lives. It underscores the need for open communication with employers, setting boundaries, and making intentional choices to foster a harmonious work-life balance. Nurturing Emotional Well-Being and Mental Health Tim Cox's candid discussion about his daughter's anxiety and his own experiences with seeking help for depression sheds light on the importance of addressing mental health within the family dynamic. His openness in discussing anxiety and therapy with his daughter demonstrates the value of normalizing conversations around emotional well-being and seeking professional support when needed. Moreover, Tim's journey towards seeking help for his mental health highlights the courage and resilience required to navigate personal challenges while also fulfilling the responsibilities of fatherhood. By sharing his experiences, Tim exemplifies the strength in vulnerability and the impact of prioritizing mental wellness for himself and his family. Evolving Connections with Growing Children As children grow, their needs, interests, and levels of independence evolve. Dr. Christopher emphasized the ongoing parental relationship as children mature, emphasizing the significance of adapting to these changes and nurturing evolving connections. Tim's shared experience of deciding whether to prioritize his daughter's emotional distress over work underscores the nuanced decisions fathers face as they support their children's emotional well-being. This highlights the importance of being present, empathetic, and responsive to the dynamic needs of growing children. Embracing Imperfections and Collective Learning Tim's advice to other fathers to acknowledge their imperfections and learn from others reflects the humility and willingness to grow as a parent. Fatherhood is indeed a collective learning experience, and the willingness to seek guidance, connect with other fathers, and learn from different perspectives enriches the journey of raising empowered daughters. In conclusion, "Dads with Daughters" continues to provide valuable insights and resources for fathers, encouraging them to embrace the joys and challenges of parenthood. Tim Cox's thoughtful reflections and experiences highlight the significance of creating special moments, navigating work-life balance, prioritizing mental health, nurturing unique connections with growing children, and fostering a collective approach to parenting. As fathers engage in these conversations and embrace the journey of fatherhood, they play an integral role in shaping the lives of their daughters and creating enduring bonds built on love, support, and understanding. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, the Raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to Talk to you to be on this journey alongside of you. Because as I've told you many times, I've got 2 daughters myself, and I the feel like I'm learning something every day, and I know that you have the same type of path that you're on. And we're at different phases in our daughters' lives, but that doesn't mean we can't learn from each other and we can't support each other along the way. That's why every week I love being able to sit down with you to be able to talk about issues that are sBeing a father is a journey full of joy, challenges, and growth. In a recent episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomed guest Tim Cox, a father of two, to discuss the unique experiences and challenges of raising daughters. Their heartfelt conversation touched on various aspects of fatherhood, including creating special moments, balancing work and family, mental health, and nurturing unique connections with each child as they grow. Let's explore some of the key takeaways and insights shared in this insightful episode.ometimes the Ones that are not that easy to handle or not that easy to talk about, but sometimes they're lighter issues or things that the We all just deal with in everyday life, but we kinda struggle through it. And I think it's important to Talk about these things to be able to have honest conversations about them so that we can normalize it the And allow for all of us to know that that it's okay. It's okay to talk about these things, to be able to the Engage with other dads about these things, and that's why every week I love being able to bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that have gone through either being a father to a daughter or have other resources or things that they are doing to support dads. Because we have to be able to ask for the help that we need when we need it, and that's why it's so important that we have these every week. This week, we got another great guest with us. Tim Cox is with us. Tim is a father of 2, and we are gonna be talking about Being a dad to a daughter and what that's been like for him. I'm really excited to have him on. Tim, thanks so much for being here today. Tim Cox [00:02:14]: . Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be on this. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:17]: Now I will be honest and say that Tim has been a part of the fathering together family for many years. He was one of the the Initial people that was part of our leadership team and helping us with our Facebook communities, helping us with our videos, and helping us to Doc. To really amp up the way in which we were telling our story, so I am excited that we that I'm finally getting him on the show. The And 1st and foremost, Jim, one of the things that I love doing is turning the clock back in time, and I wanna go all the way back to that the moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: What was going through your head? Tim Cox [00:02:50]: I think I was scared. My daughter is the 8 years old now. I just turned 44 2 days ago. So I was you know, we waited a little later in life. I was 36, I guess, And I was nervous. My wife and I had decided that we weren't going to have children, and we were kind of enjoying our younger days with that. The And then we sort of you know, we had our nieces, and then they started to grow up. Tim Cox [00:03:14]: And then we were like, okay. You know, maybe we do want kids. And so we decided to have a Dyle, and it was definitely nerve wracking. I was trying to read every book I could find. I was trying to find everything . Possible every resource, talking to people. It was it was a a wild time. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:32]: It definitely can be a wild time, especially the As you said, you know, there's no one right way to father, and there's lots of books out there. There's lots of resources out there that you can turn to and other dads that you can turn to as well. Now you talked about having some fear at the beginning of having your daughter. The What would you say has been or is your biggest fear in raising your daughter? Tim Cox [00:03:57]: Well, I'll go with my my first fear first after she was born, And we were getting ready to leave the hospital, and I carried the car seat upstairs. And I was like, how do I put this tiny thing the in this car seat and secure it safely. And the hospitals were like, well, we can't really help you with this because they wanna make sure that they're backed the up in case there was some kind of accident or anything, so they play it safe. And I remember that was we did all the parenting classes and everything like that, and the That was the first thing that I was like, we didn't talk car seats in the parenting class. This fluffy little kid with the big outfit and stuff on, like, how do we Titan and, you know, the car seat enough, and is this hurting the child and all this stuff. And, you know, at that point, I didn't realize that, like, you don't want anything puffy. Like, you know, my kids the Still don't use jackets and car seats. Tim Cox [00:04:48]: And so it was all those kind of things. That was, like, the first fear of being a dad or the first, the like moment of confusion. And I remember I was quickly YouTubing videos to try and see what to do with this car seat. And then but when I look at, like, the Big picture. I want to make sure that my daughter and I have a 4 year old son, almost 4 year old son also, the And I wanna make sure that they grow up to be good people, and I wanna make sure that they grow up caring about other people. And that's my biggest fear is what if I'm not doing enough to give them the tools they need to do that. And I think I believe I am doing enough for that, but that's the Probably my biggest fear in life is just what should I be doing better for my kids to make sure that they have everything they need to succeed? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:37]: So I think one of the things that many dads struggle with is, like you said, you want to raise kids that are kind, that give back, that are doing things the To allow for them to be a part of society in many different ways. Talk to me about what you are doing or the have done to be able to Tim Cox [00:05:58]: do just that. I think we try and read a lot of books that show strong female figures in the books, And we try and have our kids get them give them experiences that put them to give them the ability. Learn about the future and learn what it is to help people and you know? So I think those are, like, the kind of things that we do the most, But still that leaves you to that, am I doing enough? What could I do more? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:24]: And that's never an easy thing to know is the impact that that what you're doing now the And what that impact is going to be 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now. But the little things that you do the Step by step where you may not see an impact right away. You're setting the seed and you're letting it grow. And I think that that's the What's so important for fathers to do is to be consistent and to continue to do the things that you're hoping that they will do in the future. By doing that, as I said, it's planting that seed and it's allowing that to take root. And then as you said, reading books or other things, great concepts, great ideas. Now you now have 2 kids. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:06]: You have a son and a daughter. And with each of your kids, you have to be able to do what You Can to build those unique relationships because each child is very different. Not only do they have different ages and different stages that they're at, That need different types of bothering in many different ways. What are you doing to be able to build that strong relationship the With your daughter. Tim Cox [00:07:30]: I try and I try and do things with her, and I think that's really important to do. There's a lot of the jealousy comes in, especially she's 8. He's 3. She had a long time with just mom and dad Until he came around, we would decided we only wanted 1 child for the longest time, and then we were like, well, maybe we'll have a second one. The And that's how, you know, there ended up being a spread out, which I think is the greatest thing is having that spread because she can be you know, help teach him also. So the things I'm teaching her, she's then teaching him. But, you know, we really want to try and make her feel special. Tim Cox [00:08:12]: So I'll take her somewhere to something that I won't take him. I'll do it during nap to make it easy. My partner does the same. She'll take our daughter to something. I think she's taking her roller skating tonight, and I'll stay home with Jude, my son. And, you know, so I think the big thing is trying to the Separate time and build out time for them to have you as just you. Tim Cox [00:08:36]: So they're not this the forgotten child or they don't become jointed with their sibling at all times so that they still feel special to you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:45]: And are there Specific things that you and your daughter love to do together that are special just for the 2 of you? Tim Cox [00:08:52]: Yeah. We do. We both play a lot of Silly games. Even just the game Marco Polo typically done in a pool. We play in our driveway. The She always cheats, but it's okay. Suddenly, you know, she'll, like, well, they all freeze, and then you have to, like, walk towards the person with your eyes closed. And somehow, she the Always finds me, and she just says I'm bad at it. Tim Cox [00:09:14]: But we do stuff like that. You know, she loves playing. One of her favorite shows is the show Bluey, which the is one of my favorite shows too, and I think every parent of a young child that's watched that show loves that show because it's so real. The And we play games from that show that we learn, like Shadowlands, where you can only step on shadows, and we go for walks around the block. She really likes the music, and we've played guitar together. She's not quite there of knowing what she's playing, but she likes to the Make it up, and she likes to make up lyrics to songs. And me being a musician, and I've played in Torden bands and played in bands the My whole life up until the pandemic, basically, was when I kind of took a break from music. You know, it's fun to see that creativity from her the where we have just like a little kid drum set, and she will sit at it and start playing. Tim Cox [00:10:08]: And sometimes, like, that is a perfect drum beat. The So we have these kind of, like, little things that that we can share that Jude, my son, isn't quite at the age to the Be able to I mean, he bangs on the drums, and he actually does decently on drums too. But he's obviously a 3 year old little tornado running around. The So, you know, my daughter and I, we love to kinda do all these things together that's just kind of us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:36]: It is important, especially when you have kids that Door. Vastly different in ages, and there is that gap. As you said, your daughter had you in her life first, So being able to make sure that there's not animosity there, and we had the same we didn't have as large of a gap, but between our oldest and our youngest, . There always was a little bit of separation, a little bit of animosity that was there that our oldest ended up Dom. Losing that 1 on 1 time in her mind in some aspect, even though we still did many things together just the Between her and us, but it does make a difference, and you have to work hard in that regard. And being a dad is never easy. What would you say has been the hardest Darts. For you in being a father to a daughter. Tim Cox [00:11:23]: I think the hardest part is probably trying to balance work and life the and time with her. Work obviously takes up a lot of time. Days, I feel like, you know, from morning when I make her breakfast . When I, like, kiss her good night at 9, it's the entire day is is done, and we're kinda running around, and there's all sorts of activities. . So I think it's finding ways to chisel out time to spend is important, and I'm not the best the At work life balance where I do social media for university, and I am sitting there and I will the host things at night, like, 11 o'clock at night. And I'm don't always have the best ability to just, like, turn off and be with the the family at all times, but I'm I really try hard to do that. And I think a lot of dads have that same issue, and I think we're all Doc. Tim Cox [00:12:20]: Kind of in the same boat, and a lot of times we'll, you know, act like we're always able always there, you know, because everyone puts the best the Image forward on social media, but we're all in kind of the same thing saying, like, okay. Did I do something with my daughter today? Did I give her a the special moment that she will remember. And I think the biggest thing I try and do is just make sure that that exists. For example, she gave me a book the For my birthday, we celebrated it last night because girl scouts was the night before. So I waited a day for my birthday, and she gave me a book of the top ten reasons I have the best dad. The And the book is adorable, and it shows all sorts of things like I love you because you help me when I get hurt. The And she drew a little picture of me putting a Band Aid on her. She loves when I play with her, and the picture was me as a horse on the ground with her jumping on top of me and the Riding me around. Tim Cox [00:13:14]: And these are the kind of things that I do, and a lot of times I'm very tired, but I'm like, there's gonna be a day that she doesn't wanna play. And one of the saddest things to think about and I carry her around all the time, and she's 8 and I'm £65, and I'm carrying her everywhere I go the When I can or I put her on my shoulders or any of those kind of things. Because as dads, we have to realize there is going to be a day. That you put your child down, you put your daughter down, and you never pick her up again. And it's heartbreaking to think of that. And I can't even . Imagine that day coming, but it's getting closer and closer that she still wants me to comfort her. Tim Cox [00:13:56]: She's daddy's little girl, and it drives my partner Crazy sometimes because she's always like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. But I'm loving it, and I'm trying to just remember that I need to make the Time for this because I don't know when that time is over. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:14]: And it will be over before you know it or at least I'm not gonna say completely over. You're not gonna be able to carry your child eventually because, you know, they do get the Larger, and it becomes a...
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Parenting with Grace: Dan Rose's Approach to Raising Daughters
03/25/2024
Parenting with Grace: Dan Rose's Approach to Raising Daughters
In a special episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, guest joins host Christopher Lewis for a heartfelt conversation about the beautiful and sometimes challenging journey of fatherhood. As fathers to daughters, they share their wisdom and personal experiences, offering valuable insights on building strong, independent relationships with their children. This episode is a reminder that fatherhood is an ongoing journey of growth, grace, and understanding. The Initial Fear and Ongoing Love: Dan Rose vulnerably shares his initial fears and uncertainties when he found out he would be a father to a daughter. Like many fathers, he worried about being overprotective or not doing a good enough job in raising his daughter. This honest admission resonates with many dads, highlighting the common fear of not being able to provide and protect our children adequately. However, as Dan and Dr. Lewis attest, this fear is often replaced by a love that grows and evolves throughout the different stages of a daughter's life. The Unique Bond and Shared Activities: As the conversation unfolds, Dan Rose emphasizes the special bond and shared activities between him and his daughter. It's heartwarming to hear how, despite initial differences, they found common ground through shared interests in pop culture and TV shows, particularly during the challenging time of the lockdown in March 2020. This emphasizes the importance of staying open-minded, adaptable, and finding ways to connect with our children, especially during difficult circumstances. Teaching Gratitude and Building Foundation: A significant takeaway from this conversation is the importance of teaching gratitude and being thankful for what children have from a young age. Dan acknowledges that building a foundation of gratitude in childhood allows for more freedom and less overreaction in parenting during middle and high school years. This essential parenting aspect reminds us of the significant impact that instilling values of appreciation and mindfulness can have on a daughter's development. Responding with Grace and Vulnerability: Dan's emphasis on responding to his children with grace, understanding, and vulnerability rather than judgment or discipline, is a vital aspect of nurturing strong father-daughter relationships. This echo from Dr. Christopher Lewis aligns with the podcast's focus on embracing grace and vulnerability in fatherhood. It's a reminder that by being open, empathetic, and willing to embrace our vulnerabilities as fathers, we can foster trust, openness, and resilience in our daughters. Initiating Honest Conversations and Building Trust: The importance of treating daughters with respect and initiating honest conversations to strengthen the relationship cannot be understated. Dan encourages fathers to respond with love, listen, and learn from their daughters, fostering a relationship built on trust, respect, and understanding. This highlights the significance of creating an environment where daughters feel heard, valued, and supported. Moreover, it emphasizes the role of fathers in providing a safe space for open, honest conversations with their daughters. Conclusion: In this deeply insightful and emotionally resonant episode, ' Dan Rose and Dr. Christopher Lewis remind us that fatherhood is a journey of grace, gratitude, and vulnerability. By embracing these qualities and nurturing open, loving relationships with our daughters, we can empower them to grow into strong, resilient individuals. This episode serves as a powerful testament to the enduring bond between fathers and daughters, and the profound impact of intentional, empathetic parenting. In this episode, Dan Rose's vulnerability and Dr. Christopher Lewis's thoughtful insights offer an invaluable roadmap to fathers everywhere on the profound and transformative journey of raising daughters. Through these conversations, we can glean wisdom and solidarity that enriches our own journeys as fathers. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. The Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you and talk with you about the journey that you're on and really the Go on this journey with you because as you know, I've got 2 daughters myself, and you never stop parenting. You never stop being a father, the And you're gonna continue to learn because the different phases of life that your kids are in are gonna push you in many different ways, ways that you the Right now are probably not even expecting, or if you are older and have kids that are older, you may be looking back and saying, oh, I wish I would have known. The And you could give some good advice too. But I love being able to to sit down, talk to you, have you listen every week because Doug. It is a journey, and it is something that we all can work on to become better at, to just like anything that we do. And by being able to listen to others, to learn from others, and be open to being vulnerable in many different ways and being open to learning and trying new things, you will be able to be that engaged dad that you wanna be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:37]: This week, we got another great guest with us today. Dan Rose is with us, and Dan is a father of 2. He's got both a son and a daughter. We're gonna be talking about his Dog. His experience as a dad of daughters. He is a pastor of a network of house churches and works to Bring his ministry all over Southeast Michigan and works with a number of different communities as well. Dog. So I'm really excited to have him here. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:04]: I've known him for many years, and I'm really excited to be able to talk with him today. Dan, thanks so much for being here today. Dan Rose [00:02:10]: I am glad to be here, man. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:12]: I'm excited to have you here as well. And one of the first things that I always do and love to do is turn the Doc. Back in time. And you've got 2 kids now that are grown and flown. They are older now and out of the house and doing their next the The thing is they are preparing for their journey into adulthood. When you think back to the very beginning and you go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a the Father to a daughter. Dan Rose [00:02:39]: What was going through your head? Abject fear. That was was the first thing. To be our son was born first, and I grew up with the 2 younger brothers, and so figuring out how to be a dad to a son seemed pretty straightforward. And, when we found out we were having a daughter, That was scary. And and yet it was also kind of the sense of just what an honor That it was gonna be to raise a daughter and thinking about what it would mean to be a daddy as opposed to just a dad. And Shortly after Libby was born, Amy was working with college. Amy, my wife, was working with with college students, and She wanted me to to write a little thing for these girls in her bible study about what does it mean to raise a daughter, to be a girl dad, which wasn't a phrase at the time. So for me, it was the this this idea of of being a daddy and being being someone who would be able to take strength and the Give it to my daughter so that as she moved out in this world, that she would be as strong as my son and be able to hold her own because, boy, this world is it's just hard, and it's particularly hard, I think, for women. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:49]: Now you kind of touched on this just a little bit, but you also said that When you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, you were scared, there was fear. What would you say was or is your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Dan Rose [00:04:01]: I think one of my biggest Fears was being too protective, was overprotecting her, making her dependent on me in such a way that She felt like she was gonna have to go through this world needing a man or something along those lines. But then kind of the the the alternative of doing such a a the Poor job that she would not like men at all or that she would be not trusting of men or would fear men or would just have some sort of the Irrational relationship towards men. So kind of a double edged sword there on the fear thing. Too much and too little. Trying to figure out how do you stand on that razor's edge. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:41]: The Now as I said, your daughter now is older, and she has gone off to college and doing some different things. The And I guess as she went through those phases in her own development, as you went through those phases the Throughout her development and you think back to the fear that you said that you did have, how does that look different now that she left the house and gone to that next the phase of her life. Dan Rose [00:05:08]: Yeah. So she just finished her 3rd semester at Michigan State. And so for anyone that's not living under a rock, Last year, they at Michigan State had a campus shooter and knew people who were shot and killed, and her friends knew people. It was one of those things you never think you'd experience. And so now that and there was no way to protect her because she was an hour and 20 minutes from my house. I couldn't go rescue her. And Watching her handle a situation that none of us know how we're going to respond and watching her face that with courage, with a strength that I don't know if I would have. And then to see her move forward from that situation as the semester continued on and Dog. Dan Rose [00:05:55]: As she is continuing to grow, to see her just continue to press on with a tenacity and a strength that comes from a the Deep, deep place. And so as we walked through that whole thing with her last year, it became very clear that she was ready to take this world. And she was strong and resilient and has everything you need to succeed. So it has been fun. It's really been fun to see her to see her just Thrive now in light of of everything that's been going on. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:25]: It's so exciting to hear that. And, you know, I went through a similar thing this fall the When there was a shooter on the campus where my daughter is a freshman, and luckily, she did not know the 1 person that was the Shot and killed, but it still impacts, and you have to deal with that. And for us, you know, she's over 11 hours away. So as you said, you can't rescue. I definitely could not easily rescue, and she didn't need the rescuing either. She dealt with it in her own way and the Showed her resilience in that way, and I think all the students did. And but it's hard. It's hard to take that step back, the Take that and and know that they're on their own, and you wanna just hold them and be there for them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:14]: And I think the The only thing that we could do at the time was make sure she knew that and make sure that she knew that we were there for her and the Go from there and support her in any way that we could. Now one of the things that I am kind of interested in is that, you know, you have 2 children that are different. They're different ages. They have different interests. They're doing different things, and you build those unique bonds the With your children to be able to be engaged with them in many different ways. What is the favorite thing that you and your daughter like the or do that you share together. Dan Rose [00:07:51]: We struggled for a minute. When she was younger, we didn't have a lot of things in common. She is a girly girl, And one of my favorite stories about her is we were helping my mom was a teacher, and we were helping her do the annual move into your classroom bit. And so we're carrying things up the To the classroom, and Libby is taking a stuffed animal, a singular book. My mom says to her she was probably the 4 at the time. And so my mom says, Libby, you can carry more than that. Libby put her hands on her hips, and she said, mom, These arms are made for strapless dresses, not for carrying things. So it's like, okay. Dan Rose [00:08:30]: She did the dance thing. She she lived in a world that I did not understand at all, and quite honestly, a world that my wife didn't understand either. And so So fast forward to March 2020, and the whole world shuts down. And it was It was transformational in our in our relationship. She was a sophomore in high school, and then her and I all of a sudden Started spending every day together, all the time together, and we have discovered that we enjoy the same Similar TV shows. We enjoy a lot of the kind kind of pop culture stuff. So her and I, like, we bond over pop the culture and over kinda knowing who's who out in the Hollywood world and that kind of thing. And, you know, my wife and my son are just the clueless about it. Dan Rose [00:09:21]: They're like they have no idea what's going on. So Libby and I have these inside jokes. We can just and we laugh at Ethan and Amy all the time. The And, and so are there are few people in this world that I enjoy bantering with more than than my daughter. And her sense of comedic timing is just perfect. The She might be the funniest person that I know. And so, honestly, it's just spending quantity time with her because the more time We spend the more the conversation spirals and gets hilarious and and things just get more fun in every single conversation. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:56]: The I love that. And you probably know way more than I do when it comes to some of the pop culture stuff. Dan Rose [00:10:02]: I have to. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:02]: Well and that's just it is that I think that as a father, you the have to be willing to have some grace and know that you that your kids are not gonna always like the The things that you like, they're not going always going to do the same things that you're going to do. You're gonna connect with your kids in different ways. And the I know that you and I were talking before we started about the importance of grace. And when when I know that when you talk about Grace in parenting. It's not the same as grace in religion. So why don't you give me a definition? When you're talking about grace in parenting, why the Has Grace been so important for you as a parent? But first, let's define it, and then talk to me about how you have Incorporated that into the raising of your kids. Dan Rose [00:10:51]: It's funny. If we were having this conversation 10 years ago, 15 years ago, my answer to What is the definition of grace and parenting would be different than it is now? Now, really, once we kinda hit the middle school years Doubt. Was when this definition changed and kinda locked in for me. I would define grace in parenting as maintaining access, the Doing what is necessary to maintain access because it's it's at that time when they're 11, 12, 13 when they're pushing boundaries, when they're they're testing. They're trying to figure out, okay. We've had these rules as as little kids, and now we're we're not quite adults. Everything in their world is changing. Their friends are changing. Dan Rose [00:11:32]: Their bodies are changing. Their emotions are changing. Everything. Dog. And so now they start pushing and testing, and they're and they're separating themselves from us as mom and dad, which is healthy and good. And I see so Doug. Many folks during that time lose access to their kids because their kids break a rule or are disobedient or you know, they no longer are just trying to make mom and dad happy. They're trying to figure out what does their world look like the And how are they going to move through this world? And and so all of a sudden now, it's, I had to ground little Sally Bell. Dan Rose [00:12:11]: For 2 weeks, wouldn't let her see her friends for 2 weeks, took her phone away, all of these things. And so if someone was treating me like that, what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna give them the anymore. I'm gonna shut them out. And so when they got into that middle school, man, it became all about how do I how do we as mom and dad maintain our So that when when those important conversations need to be had, when those hard relationship things that are going on in middle school and high school the are happening that they're coming to talk to us and not going to another 12 year old or a 13 year old with all of their vast wisdom. Dan Rose [00:12:50]: I know. 12 13 year olds have all the answers and know all the things, but maybe maybe we know a little bit more. And so and so we wanted to do everything we could the to maintain access. Now how did that look? Oftentimes, that looked like us making a mistake and then the Apologizing to them for that mistake when we overreacted. It was very rarely that we underreacted. We pretty much always overreacted as parents. And so when we realized that we had overreacted, we would the Come in and apologize. And we would own our mistake as a as a parent in our overreaction, and we didn't do so in a way that the Still spun it back on them. Like, we left because, sure, our overreaction was probably almost always because they didn't do something right, but it still didn't Require the overreaction that we gave. Dan Rose [00:13:41]: And so when we would go in and and apologize and ask forgiveness for overreaction, we wouldn't tie it to their behavior at all. Dog. We owned our own behavior and simply asked for forgiveness of our own behavior in the way that we would want other people to come to us. We began to treat them as more and more as equals. And so now as a result, we have our son is the He's 22. Libby's 20, and our family chats and our texts are they're brutally honest and brutally open, and they hide nothing from us. They've never hidden. As far as we know, there's just there's not a lot that they hide from us. Dan Rose [00:14:19]: And I think about all of the things that we hid from our parents. Our kids haven't seemed to do that, and I think it's because we really sought to do whatever it took to maintain access in their lives. So we defaulted a lot to yes. Can I go to so and so's house to spend yes? Can so and so come to our house and spend the night? Yes. We didn't use grounding as a punishment, and we didn't use taking away their ability to the Connect with others as a form of punishment because we thought that is just critical to our lives as people. We tried to dive in and figure out doc. In those situations, what what was really going on? And a lot of that was grounded when they were 4, 5, 6, 7 years old. And so By the time they got to be 13, 14, 15, those lessons had been learned. Dan Rose [00:15:03]: And so, like, for instance, I think both our kids have had situations where they wanted a particular the thing. Right? Some toy. And we didn't have a lot of money when they were younger, and so we it would cost us to get them this particular toy or this the that they wanted, and then they would respond in the way that 3, 4, 5, 6 year olds would often respond to not having a lot of gratitude. And so instead of Losing our stuff, we would just take that toy back, put it up on the shelf, and say, hey. When you're grateful for this thing that you have, you can have it back. And it would take some time, but they learned that. Right? It was that deeper issue. It wasn't that they're necessarily being disobedient. Dan Rose [00:15:40]: They needed to learn gratitude. They needed to learn To be thankful for the things that they have. And so that one little lesson then translated out to when they were in middle school and high school, no And we didn't we didn't seem to have those same kinds of a lot of...
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Building Positivity: A Dad's Journey to Mentorship and Fitness
03/18/2024
Building Positivity: A Dad's Journey to Mentorship and Fitness
In a heartfelt and candid episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis engages in an inspiring conversation with , the owner of and a dedicated father. As Joe reflects on his journey as both a father and a mentor to middle school-aged children, he emphasizes the importance of perseverance, positivity, and building strong relationships. The discussion delves into Joe's personal struggles, triumphs, and the profound impact of leading by example in fatherhood and fitness. Mentoring and Building Relationships: Joe Martin sheds light on the pivotal role of mentoring, particularly with middle school-aged children, recognizing this age group's vulnerability and potential. He stresses the significance of trusted resources outside the home, like a coach, in connecting with kids and fostering meaningful relationships. Joe's emphasis on building relationships with children through shared activities and finding common ground underscores the powerful impact of positive mentorship. Fitness and Overcoming Challenges: As the owner of Relentless Positivity Fitness, Joe Martin's passion for fitness emanates from his experiences as an athlete, where he battled weight gain and injury during his football career. Through his own fitness journey, Joe not only overcame adversity but also redefined his identity. His journey serves as a testament to the transformative power of perseverance and the impact of modeling a healthy lifestyle for children. Personal Transformation and Resilience: Joe Martin's openness about his past struggles, including arrests and incarceration, offers a poignant insight into his journey of redemption and personal transformation. His determination to change his lifestyle, while initially centered on weight loss, ultimately led to a holistic transformation, reinforcing the importance of resilience in overcoming adversity. Parenting and Fatherhood: The conversation pivots to the challenges and triumphs of fatherhood, with Joe Martin eloquently articulating the emotional journey of watching his son embark on a new chapter at the Air Force Academy. Through his vulnerability, Joe emphasizes the importance of allowing children to fail, sharing personal struggles, and prioritizing one's spouse in parenting. His candid reflections resonated with Dr. Christopher Lewis and emphasized the depth of emotional investment inherent in fatherhood. The Power of Positivity and Community: Joe Martin's dedication to spreading positivity is not confined to fitness but permeates his podcast and book, both titled "." During the conversation, the significance of countering negativity with uplifting narratives and inspiring stories becomes evident. His book, combining personal experiences with lessons on fitness and back pain management, emphasizes flexibility and inspiration over rigid approaches—underscoring the value of a positive mindset. Fatherhood Insider and Community Engagement: Dr. Christopher Lewis invites dads to join the Fatherhood Insider, a valuable resource, and encourages involvement in the . This proactive approach seeks to foster a supportive environment where fathers can learn from each other's experiences, gaining insights and strengthening their roles as active participants in their daughters' lives. The engaging conversation with Joe Martin encompasses the profound impact of mentorship, fitness, and positive parenting. His journey from adversity to resilience, coupled with his unwavering dedication to fatherhood and positivity, serves as an inspiring example to all. By amplifying the importance of building strong relationships, personal transformation, and embracing a mindset of relentless positivity, Joe Martin's narrative resonates deeply with the mission of "Dads with Daughters" in promoting and empowering positive father-daughter relationships. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent Women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. You know, I've got 2 daughters. You've Got Daughters. We're on this fatherhood journey together, and we're doing the things that we can do to be able to be the best dads that we wanna be. And the That comes with work, that comes with some hard work, that comes through the days, the weeks, the months, the years that the You go side by side with your children to be able to help them to be the people that you're hoping that they become, and you don't have to do this alone. I've said that Numerous times, and I will continue to say it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:03]: There are so many other dads out there that are going through the same journey, And they struggle with very similar things, and they go about fatherhood in different ways. And that's why it's so important that we have these conversations, that we sit down, we Dog. Talk about it. We build a community for you to be able to meet other dads, learn from them because there's no one right way the father. There's many different ways that people do father, and you learn along the way. You learn as things change in your life, in your kids' life. And you can learn from the dads around you, but you can also learn from dads through things like this. That's why every week I love being able to Dog. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:42]: Talk with you, sit down with you, and bring you different guests with different perspectives, different experiences that can help You to think about fatherhood in a little bit different way. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Joe Martin is the owner of Relentless Positivity Fitness. He teaches in person as well as online classes. He's won several awards, including Huntsville's healthiest trainer, Huntsville's healthiest male. The Relentless Positivity Fitness was was just recently voted the best place in Huntsville to work out, and his book, the Relentless positivity hit the Amazon's bestseller list. Now we're gonna learn a little bit more about that, but he has a long journey of being a athlete and working in fitness and found also at one point, he was above 50 pounds overweight. And I I think all of us at one point in life can probably look at that and look at ourselves and say, are we where we wanna be, and how is that impacting us as men, But also how is that impacting us as fathers? And it's a it becomes a turning point for yourself, and it was a turning point for Joe too. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:47]: So I'm really excited to be able to to learn from him today, learn from him as a father. He's a father of a son who is just about to go off to the Air Force Academy, and he's gonna grow. He's gonna fly off the nest here to go and do go into the next phase of his life. Doug. So he is going through when I what I told you I was going through last year. So I'm really excited to talk to him, to learn from him, and to share him with you. Joe, thanks so much for being here today. Joe Martin [00:03:14]: Dog. I'm really excited to be here. We talked a little bit before we we started that there's no instruction manual when it comes to being a dad. So what you're doing is so important. Building strong dads out there that can build strong daughters Doc. It's so important. It kinda, you know, that old Frederick Douglass quote talked about it. It's it's much easier to build strong children than it is to fix or or repair a broken man or a Woman. Joe Martin [00:03:32]: I'm in the fitness world, so I've been training women exclusively for 15 years. And a lot of the stuff they're dealing with as adults goes back to childhood. What you're doing right now, helping people cut that off before it ever happens, man. It's so important. So I appreciate what you're doing out there. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:44]: So now I usually start with some conversations to talk about the What it was like to be a father of a daughter. You don't have that experience, but you do have a you were a father of a son. So talk to let's go back a little bit. Let's talk a little bit about that journey that you've been on the And what you've had to learn along the way. So let's turn the clock back. Your son is a senior in high school, and as you think back to that first moment, the first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father, what was going through Doug. Joe Martin [00:04:07]: Man, all the emotions. All of them. You think, oh my gosh. I'm not ready. I'm excited. I need to make more money. I need to be less busy. All these things are going through your head. Joe Martin [00:04:16]: Doc. You don't know what to expect. You know, anytime you you're doing something new, all the fear comes in. Also a lot of excitement, and I was really excited about being a dad. I had amazing parents growing up. So I kinda I got modeled that growing up. I was excited to give it a shot. And I was the 1st in my family to have a kid, man. Joe Martin [00:04:29]: So it's very exciting. I've got 2 brothers and 1 older, 1 younger. So I was, like, kind of the first one. So no one the They couldn't ask my brothers about us, you know, but I've got a lot of people around me that really helped me out. But mainly, it was just the overwhelming thing with excitement and gratitude, just be able to have this chance to be a dad. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:43]: Now fatherhood is never Always roses. It's not always easy. You go through peaks and valleys as you go along. Talk to me about Doc. What you had to go through as a father to be able to be the father that you wanted to be as you went through those peaks and valleys. Joe Martin [00:05:00]: I think a lot of it's, you had a previous guest Docs. Talking about watching your kids fail. How it's it's so hard to do, but man, it's so important. Even watching them hurt themselves. You know, when you tell them over and over, don't do that. Dog. Well, words mean one thing, actions mean another. You know, when they go and I tried to tell you and then you, you know, you touch the burning stove or whatever that version of that for your kid is. Joe Martin [00:05:19]: But That was one I'm just watching them fail. I mean, it's so tough. You wanna put them in this, you know, bubble wrap and send them out the world, and don't get hurt. Don't have to any challenges, but that's not the way the world works. Docs. And that's not how you grow, and that's not how you change. That was a tough lesson to learn. Also with, sports, like, you mentioned I was an athlete growing up. Joe Martin [00:05:35]: My son sports important to him. He's gonna go play Dault Air Force Academy. It's huge opportunity. But just looking back on his journey, when he first started getting a sport, he's telling me, oh, how good I was back in the day. Nobody cares about Dog. Right? Are you sure about how good you were? That doesn't mean anything to these kids. Tell them your struggles. Tell them that, hey, man. Joe Martin [00:05:51]: I had this coach that told me I would never play a down on varsity ever. Tell them I was scared the to death to go out of my 1st varsity game. I thought I was gonna throw up. You know, all these things that share your struggles. That's where they lean in and connect, and they say, oh, okay. Well, I struggle. I'm not very good at this yet. Joe Martin [00:06:06]: The I just started playing this. I don't wanna hear about how good you are. I'm terrible at this. I wanna hear that there's a chance that you struggled and you became better. I think as dads, you kinda wanna, back in the day, talk about how good you are and how you the Throw that football over a mountain back in your day. But if you can if you can share your struggles, I think that was a big lesson that I learned personally that, you know, they're gonna connect with that much more than they are. You talk about how good Door Stuff. And then just, hey, teaching them that your wife, their mother is the most important thing in their world. And you you do that by you modeling I'll tell Joe Martin [00:06:34]: Doc. Tell you this what. I had one of my mentors tell me one time that put your wife on a pedestal and see what child you raise. Put your wife down all the time and see what kind of a person he become. Doc. You could talk like I said, we talked about earlier. All these words are very important, but they can wanna wanna watch what you do with your actions. So if you, you know, put your wife up on a pedestal to show you how important she is, how the She loved all these things, and you continue to date your wife, love your wife, show what love a true relationship looks like. That's what they're gonna do. But if you go the other way, it's Docs. Joe Martin [00:07:00]: What they're gonna do as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:00]: So talk to me about the hardest part that you have found in being a dad to a son and just being a father in general. What's been the hardest part for you? Joe Martin [00:07:08]: I think the hardest part for me is coming Dog. He leaves. And he goes, he's the only child, man. This is, my wife and I's only child. We've been tight since day 1. And and just, you know, that Daily routine and just checking in and doing all these things. And our life pretty much revolves around what he does. His activities, hanging out with him, Doc. Joe Martin [00:07:24]: Seeing him and his girlfriend, what they're doing, going to church together, all these things. I mean, like, 3 fourths of our days revolves around, yo, what's he doing? Yo, man, what's he doing? What are we doing together? What's for dinner? That's a big one around here because he's a he's a big kid, man, so he's always eating. That's gonna be tough. That's what I like I said, our daily routines, his basketball games, his school, dude, his laundry. I'm I'm not gonna lie. I'm not I'm not ready for that one to go away, but there's a lot of thing. I think that's that one's coming up. He's been a pretty awesome kid growing up. Joe Martin [00:07:50]: Probably the ones I've I've shared before the biggest struggle, just watching him fail along the way and have watching him hurt, have his heart broken, you know, when his 1st girlfriend breaks up and those type of things are so hard to go through. Dog. I imagine this one coming up is gonna be big. When you're going through it right now, let me ask you. How's that going for you so far? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:03]: You know, it is different. We but we have 2 kids, so we still have 1 at home, but They both daughters are very different from one another. So my oldest was uber involved in everything. So just like your son, the We got involved in all the things that she did. Whereas my younger daughter is not involved as much Dog. In is involved in very few things that she gets involved in. And because of that, she is just a very different kid. And so There is a sense of loss when you as parents, when you start missing out on the The things that your kids used to do that you spent a lot of time doing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:47]: You have to get over it and you have to keep keep going. And just because they're Not there and not doing those things doesn't mean you can't go to the basketball games or to the you know, if they were in involved in marching band, go to the marching band competitions or Or other things like that, but it's just different. And you have to then adjust, and you have to look at the new normal. And I know it's gonna be very different when the youngest goes off to college, and then we are empty nesters per se. And you're only seeing them when they come home for Breaks or in between terms. I mean, your kid's gonna be going far away from home. My kid went about 11 hours away from home. Dom. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:27]: So we try to stay in contact through things like FaceTime or through weekly check ins, daily check ins, but we let her tell us the what the schedule needs to be and try not to push our agenda of wanting to talk to her. And I'm sure that pretty much every the Parent has to have that kind of a conversation. It has to be willing to let go and step back and be willing to let their kid fly a bit And then let them dictate how much or how little that they do communicate. I found that I was over communicating a little bit. The And my wife came to me and said, our daughter has said that you're sending too many things. And I said, that wasn't my intent. The I was just responding to what she was sending me. Well, she was responding to me because I was sending her something, but I was sending too much. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:20]: So I said, okay. I will step back. I won't say anything, and I will let her take the lead. And it's it's hard to do, Dog. But you have to do it. Joe Martin [00:10:31]: For sure. Yeah. That's what we're looking at. And then who are my wife and I when we don't have kids together? We have to kinda rekindle that and figure out what we look like together as a couple without the kids. So that's gonna be another Docs. When you go to Air Force Academy, you got 6 week to boot camp, 0 communications. That's gonna be something that we struggle with right there. And then he's gonna be super busy, Dog. Joe Martin [00:10:47]: That's part that's how it works. That's how it's supposed to work. Talk about flying out of the nest. That's how it's supposed to work. Right? You graduate high school. You're supposed to go be your own person, and Dog. Probably the best way. Just rip the Band Aid. Joe Martin [00:10:57]: Let's get it going. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:57]: That definitely is ripping off the Band Aid when they fly away and they go for the first time That far away, we had those conversations about you're not gonna be able to come home. You're not gonna be able to constantly be able to just leave for a weekend and take a trip back Because of the expense and the amount of time, and we may see you once or twice the in a term. And that becomes the reality when your child does go far away. But that happens even after they graduate from college or they go the Into the workforce, and they move away if they're not gonna be close to home, and then you have to deal with that too. And you're right, though. You do have to come to that new reality with your with your partner in life the To be able to figure out who you are again and hopefully along the time, along the years that you have been together, That you have built a strong foundation so that when all that time and all that effort that you have put into raising your the Child goes away, and I say go away. It's still there because you're always gonna be a parent, but it's different. And the house is much quieter, and the You're going to have to come up with that new normal so that you still connect and that you then have other things to connect on Outside of all of the effort and time and passion that you put into raising your child. Joe Martin [00:12:17]: I'm not gonna lie. I'm I'm kinda excited to see what it looks like. The My wife jokes around that she's just gonna adopt another basketball player. We'll do it all over again. And I've I've nixed that idea, but she's she might be serious. I'm not sure. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:26]: There's been some families that I know that after their child graduates or leaves, they may have exchange students, or they may do something else Doc. To fill that void, to be able to or or they get involved with mentoring, or they get involved in coaching, or they get involved in something else Doc. That still connects them with youth in different ways because of the void that they feel internally. Joe Martin [00:12:53]: Yeah. I get that. I've been working with kids for a while. Still end up Dom....
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David Samson on Fatherhood: Navigating Challenges and Supporting LGBTQ Youth
03/11/2024
David Samson on Fatherhood: Navigating Challenges and Supporting LGBTQ Youth
As the societal landscape continues to evolve, it's crucial for dads to have open conversations and seek understanding when it comes to supporting youth in the LGBTQIA+ community. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, , a father and advocate for LGBTQIA+ youth, shared his experiences and insights. From fatherhood to the work he does at , Samson shed light on the challenges, triumphs, and the importance of creating a supportive environment for LGBTQIA+ youth. In this blog post, we explore key takeaways from the conversation to provide guidance for dads looking to support their children and other LGBTQIA+ youth. Fatherhood: A Journey of Understanding and Acceptance Fatherhood is often described as a journey, and for David Samson, it’s a journey filled with unique challenges and triumphs. Samson emphasized the importance of creating a supportive community for fathers raising daughters and navigating the complexities of fatherhood. He underlined the significance of not parenting alone and highlighted the need for fathers to engage with other dads for support and guidance. For fathers of LGBTQIA+ youth, Samson’s perspective offers a valuable reminder that parenthood is an ongoing learning process. Each child’s journey is unique, and it’s crucial to provide unwavering love and support no matter what. Samson beautifully articulated the joy and challenges of being a father, touching on profound moments such as the first day his son went to school, demonstrating the emotional layers of parenthood. Supporting LGBTQIA+ Youth: Challenges and Opportunities When discussing his work at Time Out Youth, Samson highlighted the vital support they offer to LGBTQIA+ youth. From mental health services to housing support and community engagement, the organization serves as a beacon of acceptance and advocacy. The issues faced by LGBTQIA+ youth are complex and varied, ranging from homelessness to societal unacceptance. Samson discussed the challenges faced by trans and nonbinary youth, emphasizing the crucial need for understanding and support in today’s society. Through his insights, Samson underscored the impact of the recent years, including the COVID-19 pandemic, on LGBTQIA+ youth. The increased periods of isolation and trauma have highlighted the critical need for supportive environments and understanding from family and the broader community. Dads of LGBTQIA+ youth can leverage resources such as Time Out Youth and PFLAG to enrich their understanding and create safer, more supportive spaces for their children. Embracing Change and Acceptance An essential aspect of Samson’s narrative is the potential conflicts parents may encounter when their children come out. He emphasized the importance of choosing to support and believe in one’s child, even when it challenges long-held beliefs. Samson acknowledged the internal struggles but emphasized the necessity of prioritizing one’s child over preconceived beliefs. Dads in this situation can find solace in resources like PFLAG and Trevor Project, which offer guidance and support in navigating conversations and acceptance. Educating and Advocating A Call to Action for Dads Samson highlighted the importance of being actively involved in youth-serving organizations and advocating for the LGBTQIA+ community. By participating in local prides, engaging with neighbors, and opening conversations about acceptance, dads can foster inclusive communities. Being present and supportive serves as a powerful start to effecting positive change in society. The conversation with David Samson offers valuable insights and guidance for dads looking to provide support and understanding for their LGBTQIA+ children and other youth. As fathers, embracing change, practicing patience, and committing to learning and understanding are essential in creating inclusive environments for all children. By engaging with resources and proactive conversations, dads can empower themselves to be unwavering beacons of love and acceptance for LGBTQIA+ you Navigating fatherhood while supporting LGBTQIA+ youth presents its own set of challenges and responsibilities. However, by acknowledging the significance of acceptance, education, and advocacy, fathers can create an environment that nurtures and uplifts all children, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The conversation with David Samson provides a compelling and informative starting point for fathers to embark on this journey and become stalwart advocates for LGBTQIA+ youth. Through empathy, openness, and a willingness to learn, dads can play a pivotal role in shaping an inclusive world for their LGBTQIA+ children and others in the community. In conclusion, Samson’s insights and experiences highlight the transformative power of loving and supporting one’s children unconditionally, thereby forging a future that embraces and celebrates diversity and inclusion in all its forms. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Doc. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you, to work with you, to be able to talk to you Dog. About this journey that you and I are both on. I've tie told you before, I've got 2 daughters myself. I've been where you are at, And I know that every day is a little bit different, and every day is a journey. The biggest thing here that and I say this over and over again to you is that the You don't have to do this alone. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:54]: It is so important to know that there is a community of fathers out there that you can reach out to, that you can talk to. The You don't have to go alone and think that you have to father alone because that's really lonely, and that is really Docs. It's something that that that a lot of times as society, we've kinda feel like we have to man up. We have to the Figure it out for ourselves and you don't. So that's why it's so important that every week we sit down, we talk, we learn together from other their fathers from other people with many different resources that they're sharing to be able to help you on this journey that you're on. Every week, I also love being able to bring you different guests, the different people that have had different experiences that are fathers that have resources that are here to help you Doc. To be that dad that you wanna be in today, we got another great guest. David Sampson is with us today. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:49]: And David is a father. He is the He lives down in North Carolina, works for a organization called , and we're gonna talk more about that today. The David has worked to raise over $30,000,000 in funds to support nonprofits, but he works with youth to help youth in many different ways. And the And the things that he's doing, especially in the intersection of working with LGBTQ youth, I think is really important because the All of us are working with different kids. Our kids are maybe in that same community, and we have to be able to support our kids no matter what. The So it is important to understand and to know, you know, what David has learned along the way in working with youth, the But also learn about his own experience in being a father as well. So I'm really excited to have him here. David, thanks so much for being here today. David Samson [00:02:41]: Hey. Thanks so much. It's so great to be here and to be able to share some perspective with you and the great folks who are listening and who you're supporting. I really appreciate it. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: I appreciate you being on. And 1st and foremost, we gotta talk about you being a dad because you are a father of a son. I wanna turn the clock back in time. I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out you were going to be a the Father, what was going through your head? David Samson [00:03:01]: I have a 5 year old son. Gosh. When I found out I was gonna be a dad, it was At the end of a very long journey, Jasper was born via surrogacy. So the planning for him to come really was Decades worth of work, honestly. It was, you know, saving money and planning and trying to understand what it meant to be a gay dad in this world. We had just no marriage equality. So we were sort of in the midst of a transition as a country, but I always knew the From the day that, really, I became an adult that I wanted to be a parent. So to have that opportunity to have and and raise such an an amazing boy was a dream come true, no Quite honestly, I remember the 2nd we got the positive pregnancy test, I was just, like, in tears. David Samson [00:03:48]: And I don't think I stopped crying from that point until Dom. The 2nd I held them in my arms for the 1st time, it was really magical. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:56]: Now I have to ask this question because I think the You have that glow and that that magic. As you said, it's magical when you're holding your child for the 1st time, but it's not always roses. It's not always the Positives. The there's ups and downs to parenting, and you have to learn along the way how to balance all of that. Talk to me about what's been the hardest part the for you in being a father. David Samson [00:04:19]: So it's I feel like it's different for every parent. Right? Like, Jasper was the easiest infant. He really was. You know, we sleep trained him. And from the time he was 12 weeks old, he was sleeping 12 hours a night. Like, it was unbelievable. And then he turned 3. And when he turns 3, it was like, oh, This is what everybody is talking about because up until that point, I'm telling you, he was the easiest kid. Even when he learned to walk and, you know, was running around, he was still pretty the Cautious. He didn't you know, wasn't too reckless, didn't injure himself or do anything, but, man, he really found his space when he turned 3. The And kinda since then until now, it's I feel like we've gotten our our punch of tough parenting. So we've learned to set boundaries. We've learned, the Kinda what it means to push back, and we've learned a lot of his tricks along the way. But it's a different experience for everyone, but infant, easy. Toddler, tough. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:22]: So as a father, what would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a child in today's society? David Samson [00:05:28]: Feel like I'm always gonna say the wrong And I think that that is a fear that every parent has. You know, I think back to to my childhood, and there are A lot of things that my parents said to me that stuck. So I always try and pause a little bit before I speak. I listen to him. I try and look at him and and try and figure out what he's going through in that moment and what he actually needs As opposed to looking at him throwing a tantrum on the floor. So, yeah, I feel like just really thinking about the words that come out of my mouth, really Understanding the impact that everything that we say as parents have on our kids. But, yeah, it's a it's a fear I live with every day that I'm gonna traumatize them somehow say the wrong thing. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:14]: I smile at that because I think that I think every father feels that way, that what we say, what we do is going to, as you said, scar them, the Make you know, do something that's going to impact who they become. And I think that it's the Possible that there are things that you can do definitely that could scar them or impact them, but they're pretty resilient. The And they definitely forgive more than and they forget things a lot more so than we do. So just to give you some some perspective. David Samson [00:06:47]: I appreciate that. Yeah. I've learned how to apologize more as a parent than ever than at any point in my life. Like, I've gotten really good at saying I'm sorry to my son because I think that's really important. Right? Because you're always wondering, is this the moment that he's never gonna forgive me for Slightly raising my voice, and I'm like, oh, I just you know, I curl up like a kid in the corner. I really do. I'm like, I want you to be okay. I want you to feel love, and I don't want you to to, you know, to feel this energy that I'm giving off right now in this sort of heated moment. David Samson [00:07:19]: So, yeah, thank you for that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:21]: The Now one of the things that I I just mentioned was the fact that as a parent, as a father, you do have to find that balance for yourself the To be that engaged dad that you wanna be, but then there's also the pull to the work that you do and the things that you do to provide the family as well. So talk to me about balance in thus far how you have had to or what you have had to do To balance both work and raising your son. David Samson [00:07:51]: Yeah. Because he can't do one without the other, Right. As it turns out. And I've had progressive responsibilities in my role here at Time Out Youth. I I started in the midst of the pandemic as the director of development and then the director of advancement. Now I'm the the chief operating officer. So it's not like my my work has gotten less. It's gotten much more. David Samson [00:08:11]: So I find myself really Struggling at times to have the time to to dedicate, but you have to. Luckily, I work for a wonderful nonprofit who understands that work, life balance is incredibly important. They know Jasper. They love Jasper. They see me as a person, first here at Time Out Youth and not a number in, you know, no Some big corporations. So I I'm lucky enough to have a supportive work family who respects my home life. I start my day by getting up with him or he'll crawl into bed with us and curl up for 20 minutes, no If that ever ends, I'm just gonna lose my mind because those are the best moments, but it's really nice to start my day with him. The You know what I mean? I just get to start my day with my son, and it centers me immediately. David Samson [00:09:01]: You know? And then I get up, and I read my work emails, and my brain gets going, and then I have to stop again, and I have to make breakfast for him. And then I have more moments with him in the morning. And then it's no A struggle getting him ready for school and packing his backpack and rushing around and getting out the door, but then more moments in the car. So I think that truly finding those steady moments throughout the day when you're together, even when you're in the midst of, you know, your busiest time at work or whatever it might be. Truly just capturing and having those very few moments with him, even if they might be fleeting, are Incredible opportunities to bond as parents, and I really value them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:44]: It is really important to find those moments, Dom. As you said, the the opportunities to make those specific bonds with your child. Now you have 1 child. Now the What do you do individually as a dad to be able to make that connection, to develop that connection with your son? The Because we know that each child is unique, but that your children may have very different interests in very different ideas of what is fun than what you may think is fun. So what do you do to be able to build that unique relationship the that you want to have with your son. David Samson [00:10:23]: No. You're exactly right. He's into totally different stuff than I was when I was a kid or I am now. I was a music major in college, so I had this, like, grand vision that my son was gonna come out and be a the A pianist or a vocalist or something, and that is not happening, which is sort of heartbreaking for me. My husband bought us a the Piano for my birthday last year. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna teach Jasper how to play the piano. He's gonna sit down with me. Like, You know, like, my mom sat down with me and taught to you know, taught me to play the piano. David Samson [00:10:57]: He doesn't care at all. Nothing. Now he can he knows where middle c is. We've done a few lessons, but he would much rather go do, like, LEGO robotics, which is, like, So far outside of the realm of anything that I was interested in or am interested in. So I feel like for a while, I tried to push him into things that were in my comfort zone, but it has nothing to do with my comfort zone. It's about supporting him and the things that he wants to do and Really fostering that that passion and that fire in whatever it is that he wants. So he's only 5. Right? So we're still in the midst of, like, the Trying to figure out exactly what it is that he likes or what he's good at or what he thinks he's good at. David Samson [00:11:39]: So we still try and push him in as many different directions as we can. But when he latches onto something and when we can kinda see the wheels turning in his head, It's really exciting. And we latch onto that with him, and we get excited for him. And we're already finding ourselves, like, the Pushing him towards the things that he really loves and, you know, just going all in with him as much as we can. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:04]: Well, that's so fun. And and maybe there's some intersection there. Because if he likes the LEGO robotics, you maybe you can do some stop motion type things where you bring music to the robotics that he builds And do something fun like that. David Samson [00:12:18]: Yeah. Look inside the piano lid and see the hammer. Right? Like, yeah, it's super cool. It's all connected. They'll figure it out. We'll help them. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:25]: Now You mentioned the fact that you are or I mentioned the fact that you are a part of Time Out Youth. You talked about that as well and the organization itself. Tell me more about Time Out Youth. I know it's been around since 1991. It's serving LGBTQIA plus youth, but tell me more about the organization, What your mission is and how you're working with youth in many different ways. David Samson [00:12:49]: Yeah. Absolutely. So you mentioned it has been around since 1991, and that's right. The We are the oldest in the Carolinas, and we are also the biggest in the Carolinas. In between, Washington DC and Northern the Florida. Time out youth is the standard of LGBT youth centers on the East Coast. So our mission, is to support LGBTQ the youth by offering vital programs, fostering unconditional acceptance, and creating safe spaces for self expression through leadership, the community support and advocacy. So we do that in a number of ways. David Samson [00:13:23]: Our bread and butter are youth 13 to 24 the Here in the Charlotte Metro region, we have mental health services, free counseling services. We offer really vital housing support the Services here at Time Out Youth. And then we have social interaction space. So 5 days a week, we offer programming whether virtually or in person here in the center. The And then Fridays Saturdays, we have drop ins space. So Friday nights are for our big kids, so 18 to 24. And then Saturdays are for our younger youth who no We're 13 to 18. So on any given day from the time we get here at 10 o'clock up until school's out, We're usually offering housing services, job search functions to our kids who are houseless or have been kicked out of their homes due to unacceptance. David Samson [00:14:12]: So in in that time period, we're really seeing a very specific group of kids. And then in the evenings, it's anyone's guess. These are kids. So we might have 30 or 40 kids who are coming in and just wanna hang out and play video games, or we might be having a trans specific group That evening or talking to our our youth who identify as asexual, any number of...
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Kelly K: A Journey of Faith, Consistency, and Instilling Self-Worth in Daughters
03/04/2024
Kelly K: A Journey of Faith, Consistency, and Instilling Self-Worth in Daughters
In a heartfelt and insightful episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, best-selling author, pastor, and evangelist Kelly K shares his personal journey of parenting, step-parenting, and maintaining faith in the modern world. Joining the host, Christopher Lewis, Kelly K offers valuable advice and wisdom on the importance of consistency, faith, and instilling self-worth in children. Let's delve into the key highlights of this enriching conversation. Consistency in Parenting and Faith: Kelly K underscores the significance of consistency in parenting, emphasizing the need to instill godly principles in children despite the evolving landscape of parenting approaches. His message of open and honest communication, treating children with respect, and nurturing self-worth resonates deeply in today's world. By sharing his personal experiences in guiding his daughter through challenging relationships and finding solace in the teachings of the Bible, Kelly K encourages parents to embrace a steadfast approach in shaping their children's lives. Parenting Daughters and Instilling Self-Worth: Christopher Lewis delves into Kelly K's experience of being a father to daughters, acknowledging the challenges of instilling value and self-worth in them. Through Kelly K's candid narrative of guiding his daughter through difficult relationships and ultimately witnessing her find a godly partner, listeners gain invaluable insights into the complexities of raising strong, independent daughters. This segment serves as a reminder of the pivotal roles fathers play in shaping their daughters' identities and fostering their resilience. Using Social Media as a Mission Field: Kelly K's unexpected journey of utilizing to spread messages of religion and spirituality unveils a fresh perspective on engaging with a younger demographic. By viewing social media as a mission field and voicing the initial hesitance followed by a divine calling to connect with the platform, Kelly K presents a compelling narrative of adapting to novel ways of spreading faith and values. Authentic Content Creation and Faith: Emphasizing the essence of authenticity in content creation for the younger generation, Kelly K touches upon the significance of making biblical truths relatable and comprehensible in today's society. His success on TikTok is attributed to providing a fresh perspective on biblical teachings, underscoring the impact of authenticity and relevance in reaching a global audience through social media. Empowering Through Devotionals and Writing: Kelly K's transition to becoming an author and the motivation behind writing ", a 40-day devotional for a fresh perspective" further exemplifies his unwavering commitment to sharing God's word. Addressing the pressing issue of biblical illiteracy in today's generation, Kelly K's dedication to crafting devotionals that resonate with his audience signifies an empowering endeavor. Navigating Step-Parenting and Family Dynamics: Kelly K's poignant account of his step-parenting journey sheds light on the complexities and rewards of building strong family bonds. His emphasis on displaying love, grace, and mercy towards stepchildren serves as a testament to the transformative power of genuine relationships, offering guidance to individuals navigating similar challenges. Kelly K's profound insights on parenting, faith, and embracing modern platforms to spread meaningful messages serve as an inspiration to parents, step-parents, and individuals seeking to integrate faith into their everyday lives. His unwavering commitment to instilling self-worth, resilience, and values in children resonates deeply, affirming the enduring impact of love, grace, and faith in our journey through parenthood. In conclusion, this episode of Dads with Daughters with Kelly K imparts invaluable wisdom, serving as a guiding light for individuals navigating the intricate roles of parenting, step-parenting, and living a faith-driven life. For more engaging conversations and insights on fatherhood, join the Fatherhood Insider and the . Visit for more information about Kelly K and his transformative work. TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Docs. Really excited to have you back again this week. I love being able to sit down and talk to you every week about the journey that you're on the In raising those daughters of yours. Every week, we have a great opportunity to be able to listen, to learn, to the Walk on this path together. And I say it's a path together because, you know, I've got 2 daughters. I know you've got daughters. You're listening because Dogs. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:48]: You're passionate about your kids, and it is so important to be open to learning because there's no one right way to father. Dog. It's so important that you are open to be able to listen to others and listen to their experiences because you may find some kernels, some things that are Dom. Help you along the journey that you're on as well. I love being able to also bring you different people, different guests, different men, women, Dog. And others that have had different journeys, that they've been on different journeys themselves, that have different experiences and different resources that they can share with you. And today, Dog. Got another great guest. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:27]: Kelly Kaye is with us, and Kelly Kaye is a best selling author, pastor, and evangelist the Whose passion is traveling the world telling people about Jesus. Kelly Kaye has made a huge impact internationally by leveraging social media with daily the Teaching videos on TikTok. Kelly's unique style of speaking and communicating the Bible has captured the heart and attention of 1,000,000. The He's also got a brand new book that he's working on. He's authored a couple of different books including Think About That For a Minute, the Volume 1 and volume 2, get lit, stay lit, spread it, and reckless love revolution. So it's got a brand new book that we're gonna be talking about as well that he's just finishing up, gonna be sending out into the world here very soon. But the Above and beyond that, he and his wife, Lindsay, have 5 children, and 3 of which are daughters. So we're gonna be talking about his own journey the As a father. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]: Kelly Kaye, thanks so much for being here today. Kelly K [00:02:25]: Man, thank you so much for having me. It's an absolute honor. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:28]: It is my pleasure having you here today. And one of the things that I love Dove. Doing. 1st and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time. You've got 5 kids, but we're gonna focus on those 3 daughters that you have. The Think back. We're gonna turn the clock back in time. What was the first reaction that you had when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter? Kelly K [00:02:48]: So first, let me explain. My oldest 2 daughters are actually my stepdaughters. So my oldest daughter is 23. Her name is Brennan, Dog. And then my middle daughter, she's 19. Her name is Avery. And then I have an, 2 year old daughter named Jet. Now I gotta tell you this, though. Kelly K [00:03:04]: Dog. I remember my my wife when we were dating, you know, she asked me, does it bother you that I have 3 kids? And in the moment, it was without hesitation the that I was able to say not at all. It didn't bother me at all because I had the most amazing stepmom in my life that you could ever I'm telling you, she was she raised me since I was 2 years old. Never treated me like I wasn't her child. The always included me. I never felt that she was not my mom. Right? And so I just kinda knew that god gave me her for a reason. And when I started dating somebody seriously that had children, it made sense to me, like, okay, god. Kelly K [00:03:41]: You gave me this stepmom because I'm gonna have to repay the What she gave to me to these other children, I didn't think I was gonna have to do it times 3, but god's got a sense of humor like that. So, honestly, when I found out I was gonna be a dad, it's Dog. Different than most people because, I'd already met these kids. That brings up another issue, though, is that Brennan, when I started dating my wife, Docs. She was 7 years old, and she thought that I was the enemy. She thought that her relationship with her mom and dad the Ended because of me, which that was not the case at all. They've, you know, long been split up before we started dating. But I had to make a choice to say, yes. Kelly K [00:04:19]: I I still wanna do this with her even though she was Making life pretty miserable for all of us for a short amount of time, but I just always knew. Haley, god gave you an amazing stepmom, and it's gonna be your job Docs. To pay that back. So to answer your question, what did I think? I just kinda knew. That's what god wants me to do. He wants me to be a father, and he wants Daughters and to speak their worth and value into them. And it doesn't matter if they have my blood or DNA or not. Dog. Kelly K [00:04:47]: That's what's amazing about God's family is that he picks and chooses. He puts you together for a purpose, on purpose. And so, to be honest with you, I was very Doug. And happy about the task at hand. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:57]: So one of the things that you had talked about was that Brennan and you had the build that relationship because she saw you as that enemy. And there are other dads out there that are stepping into relationships or they're stepping into the That rule of being a step parent, maybe a little bit scared about that as well because of stepping into that, not knowing what to expect. Doc. Talk to me about what you had to do with Brennan to be able to heal that relationship, to build that relationship, to be able to get to a point the Where she didn't see you as that enemy, but saw you as a father. Kelly K [00:05:36]: Absolutely. Domino's. You know, here's the thing. Because I I get it. It it can be intimidating when you come into a relationship and there's already kids there, and you're not the father. Man, I get it. Dom. The first thing that you have to remember and the first thing that I tried to keep on the front of my mind is that I chose them. Kelly K [00:05:52]: They didn't choose me. So a lot of times, we can get into these relationships Dom. Because we love the mom, we love the woman, and then the kids don't really reciprocate that. Well, they didn't choose this, so you need to remember that. So there needs to be a Doubt. Ton of love, a ton of mercy, and a ton of grace for those children because this is brand new to them too, and they didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. They didn't pick you, the So you need to come in with as much grace as you can. So, you know, I let her be herself. Kelly K [00:06:18]: I let her air her frustration. I let her say and do what she needs to do. I mean, within reason. I'm still gonna be the father, and I'm still gonna keep things in line. But at the same time, I gave her space, Docs. And I let her talk about it. I let her tell me how she felt because the truth is I knew because of the relationship I've had with my stepmom that there's gonna come a time in the future Doc. Where she realizes who the dad is. Kelly K [00:06:41]: Yeah. I may not be the biological father, but over the next 20 years or so, Doc. She's gonna see me at every basketball game. She's gonna see me every single day. I'm gonna be the one paying for her supplies for school. I'm gonna be the one taking care of what and and there's gonna come a day where it's gonna Dog. And she's gonna say, oh my gosh. I missed it. Kelly K [00:06:59]: I didn't understand then, but I understand now. And it was when that day came for me, it was so amazing. Dog. And what's really cool now is that Brennan and I are best friends. We are the closest out of all my kids, she and I. Matter of fact, just a couple nights ago, we went to dad daughter date. I took her the dinner. We went shopping. Kelly K [00:07:15]: We went to a movie, and that's just something we love to do together. We have an extremely close and tight relationship now, but Dog. The only reason that we are able to have that is because I allowed her a ton a ton of mercy and grace at the beginning because I knew She didn't choose this. I'm choosing this, and I need to let her develop and come into this on her own. If we come in and try to make them feel awful and tell them how horrible they are for being that way, They don't understand that, and all you're gonna do is divide your family even more, and you're gonna put gaps and drive wedges Dog. Between everyone. So, really, it's just you've got to love them on their level because they're not able to love you at your level yet, and it's just that understanding that's really gonna help bridge that gap. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:56]: The I really appreciate you sharing that. Now I talked to a lot of dads that have daughters. One of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is a fear. The And in the fear for you might have been a little bit different because you're stepping into being a stepdad and dad to a existing family. But the A lot of dads say that there's specifically some fear to raising daughters specifically. What would you say has been your biggest fear In raising daughters. Kelly K [00:08:24]: Oh, man. You know, I think my biggest fear is sending them out in the world with a feeling of being undervalued. Doc. Especially when you you come in as a step parent, they already have this sense of reject rejection. They're already gonna be carrying that around that Dog. My dad, for whatever reason, he left. And I get it, you know, from being from a divorced family as well as I carried around that weight Dog. Forever of what did I do? Why didn't you want me? How come you didn't love me when that's not really the case? So my fear was coming in to this. Kelly K [00:08:54]: Dog. They have this feeling of rejection from their own father. Whether it's validated or not, they're still gonna carry it. I didn't want them to leave the house Dog. At 18, 19, 20 years old still carrying that, that was probably my biggest fear is that I want them to make sure that they know who they are, who god says about them, and that they are worth so much that they don't have to just go give themselves to the 1st person that that wants them because they don't feel any value. That's the last thing I want. Was another daughter that's a statistic the of teenage pregnancy or or just somebody that that just allows themselves to be used. That breaks my heart to see girls and women like that, and that's what I didn't want to put out into the world. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:31]: The Now one of the things that is always interesting for me because as I said, I've got 2 daughters myself. The You've got 5 kids, and every parent of multiple kids has to be very intentional Dog. About what they're doing to build those relationships because every child is completely different, and the You have to understand what those differences are. So talk to me about what did you have to do to build those the Relationships uniquely with every child to be able to be the dad that you wanted to be. Kelly K [00:10:07]: For sure. Well, I mean, again, the Grace, man. If I gotta come back to 1 word over and over, it's gonna be grace. It's understanding each child is different just like you said. They're not all gonna receive love the same. They're not all gonna receive no discipline the same. So it's really spending time getting adjusted to each child, learning their personality, what they enjoy. So what I would do is, you know, with with Brennan, you Dog. Kelly K [00:10:28]: Know, she loves to go to movies, so something I would do special is just make sure I would take time out to to take her to a movie, to take her to dinner. That's what she really enjoys. My son, Chase, Dog. Also my stepson, which I'm referring to them as step kids to you. I've never referred to them as step kids in front of their face or to them not one single time. That's another thing. If the coming into a relationship with kids, do all you can to make them feel like like they are yours. Whether they're calling you dad or not, you refer to them as your kids. Kelly K [00:10:56]: I'm telling you that does something their self esteem. But so just when I was getting to know them, I knew that's what she liked. Chase, on the other hand, he doesn't like to go do movies and stuff like that. Dog. Would have to find other things that he enjoyed. Or if if Avery likes to get gifts, you know, I'll buy her something and bring it to her. It's really just understanding each child is different, what is their love language, and then try to communicate with them on that level. That is gonna be so big. Kelly K [00:11:20]: What we can do, though, as adults and as parents is that the We want to love and speak to them the way that we want to be loved and spoken to. And we don't realize sometimes that that can actually be very damaging if their the Love language is quality time, and they wanna spend time with you, but yours is gifts, and you just show up with gifts all the time. Man, that's great for you. You feel like you're really knocking out of the park, but really all they wanted was Doc. Go to a movie or go to the park or just spend some time. And now that I feel neglected or less valuable to you because you're not the time with them when, really, in your mind, you went above and beyond. Right? You love to buy gifts, so you're showing them love. But it's not about what you want. Kelly K [00:11:57]: Dog. What they need. So it's really spending time getting to know them. I mean, our our generation has this horrible problem of just handing kids a phone or an iPad and tell them to go away. The Don't bother me. Go be on this device. We don't even know our kids. We wouldn't know how to parent them or love them or correct them properly because we don't even know who they are. Kelly K [00:12:14]: The We need to actually spend time getting to know them, and your kids are awesome people. They're amazing. Spend time with them. You will be the with the things that they say, the things that they know, the things that they're picking up on, and it gives you so much insight into their lives and into how Don. To be the correct parent for them, we just ignore that so many times, and then we wonder why we can't relate to our own kids. And, really, for a lot of us, it's our own fault at times. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:37]: The Definitely so true, and it makes me think back to my own kids and and trying to better understand who they are. And I've only got 2. So the Being able to have 5 at at very different ages is definitely a challenge. Now talk to me about about that because the The way that you have to interact, the way that you have to father your 2 year old is gonna be very different than the Your interactions with Brennan. And so having the that very diverse age range of kids and wide age range of kids, the How do you see yourself fathering in a different way, parenting in a different way, and how do you maintain that? Kelly K [00:13:15]: That's a good question. You know, we were pretty intentional About letting the 3 older kids get a little older before my wife and I had children together only because I had this fear the If I have another child, I don't want to love my biological children more than the other 3. Yeah. I mean, there's there's a love there that that it it just it is what it is. You're gonna love your own child different than your stepchildren. There's nothing wrong...
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Insights on Fatherhood, Loneliness, and Parenting 8 Children from JP DeGance of Communio
02/26/2024
Insights on Fatherhood, Loneliness, and Parenting 8 Children from JP DeGance of Communio
Fatherhood is a unique journey that provides an opportunity to shape the lives of our daughters. In a recent episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, , the president of , shared valuable insights on fatherhood, relationships, loneliness, and the importance of community in raising daughters to be strong and independent women. Impactful Moments of Fatherhood In the podcast, DeGance shared his experience as a father to eight children, highlighting the significant impact of fatherhood on his life. He emphasized how his relationship with his daughters has shaped his perspective on parenting. He touched upon the realization of a different connection and relationship with his daughters compared to his sons. Understanding the Unique Bonds DeGance discussed the importance of forming unique relationships with each of his children despite their different personalities and age ranges. He highlighted the significance of spending quality time with each child individually and fostering connections that are tailored to their individual needs and interests. This approach emphasizes the importance of understanding and supporting each child in a personalized manner. Challenges of Raising Daughters The discussion delved into the challenges of raising daughters in the modern world, particularly in terms of relationships, healthy partnerships, and the impact of societal changes on their well-being. DeGance shed light on the implications of the current cultural trends on daughters' perceptions of relationships and the importance of guiding them to discern healthy and meaningful connections. Insights on Loneliness and Community DeGance's organization, Communio, has conducted extensive , uncovering concerning trends in societal well-being. The study revealed alarming insights about the epidemic of loneliness and its impact across different demographic groups. Particularly, the podcast emphasized the importance of community and mentorship among men, highlighting the profound impact of having connections outside the family unit to combat loneliness and reinforce purpose in life. Cultivating Meaningful Relationships One of the key takeaways from DeGance's insights was the emphasis on cultivating healthy, purpose-driven relationships within the family and the broader community. He stressed the significance of modeling a parent-centered home rather than a child-centered one, highlighting the role of the marriage relationship as the foundation for trust and social trust in children. Guiding Fathers to Be Present DeGance shared invaluable advice for fathers, encouraging them to live life with their children and actively engage in their lives. This guidance underscored the importance of being present and actively involved in children's lives, especially during their formative years. In conclusion, JP DeGance's insights provide a comprehensive understanding of the impact of fatherhood, relationships, and community in raising strong daughters. His perspectives on building unique connections with each child, navigating the challenges of parenting, and the significance of community involvement offer valuable lessons for fathers striving to raise empowered and resilient daughters. As fathers, our role in shaping the lives of our daughters extends beyond mere presence. It encompasses creating a supportive and purpose-driven environment, fostering meaningful connections, and nurturing strong, independent women. Through prioritizing father-daughter relationships, active involvement, and community engagement, we can contribute to the holistic development of our daughters and empower them to navigate the complexities of the modern world with confidence and resilience. By embracing the insights shared by JP DeGance, fathers worldwide can deepen their understanding of their pivotal role in raising strong, empowered daughters and actively contribute to their daughters' journey toward a fulfilling and purposeful life. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad who wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, an interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts but, more importantly, with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Docs. Really excited to be back with you again this week. Every week, I love sitting down with you and being able to talk to you about this journey that we're all on called fatherhood. And it is a unique journey in many ways, but it doesn't have to be. There are so many ways in which we can learn and grow from the offered from the people that are around us, from other fathers, and this show is all about connecting you with other people's experiences to be able to help you to be the father that you wanna be and to help you to raise those strong independent women the that you have in your homes. Every week, I love bringing you different guests, different dads, and different other individuals with resources that can help you to do just that. And this week, we got another great guest with us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:12]: JP DeGance is with us today, and JP is the president of Communio. He is also the founder and president. I should say, let me step back. JP DeGance is with us today, and JP is the president and founder of Communio. And we're gonna talk more about the organization and some of the things that they've been finding inside, like, a recent study that just came out about loneliness. And we're also gonna be talking about the fact that he's a father of 8. And I was talking to him before we started today and said that it just kinda blows my mind because I think 2 is enough for me, but 8 is a whole new game. So I'm excited to have him on. JP, thanks so much for being here. JP DeGance [00:01:52]: Hey, Christopher. Thank you for having me. It's great to be here with you. Thank you so much. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:57]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love that we're able to talk about fatherhood and Communio. I guess, 1st and foremost, I wanna turn the clock back in time. I love being able to have this power when when I talk to people and being able to turn the clock back. And I know you've got 8 kids. I'd like to go back to that 1st moment. That first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, what was going through your head? JP DeGance [00:02:20]: You know, for us, it was number 3. And I'll tell you. It was funny. I told my wife brings this up to me all the time. She says, I see, oh, I'm gonna treat, you know, my kids the same. I'm gonna, you know, my son's daughter's gonna be the same. And then, I had my daughter, and I realized, we have a different connection, a different relationship. And I love my girls. JP DeGance [00:02:42]: I've I've we're we're all tied up. Chris for four boys and four girls. It's about as evenly distributed as you can. But being able to bond with my daughters and having daughters, I'm confident, makes me a better a better man. It causes me to want to be more in comparison to my sons, who I'll rough up. I relate a bit differently to my daughters, and it's been beautiful, not great. And my wife has called me out on it quite a number of times that you don't really treat them the same. Later on, I got a quote from my father That I love. He's like, you treat all of your children equally. JP DeGance [00:03:18]: You don't treat them the same. And I think that there's a lot of a lot of wisdom in that. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:23]: I love that. Now a lot of dads that I talk to I talked to a lot of dads over the years, and a lot of dads say to me that having that daughter in their life. Is not only an amazing thing, but it also brings some fear with it as well. And I guess for you, As you look at the fact that you have eight kids four girls and four boys, what has been your biggest fear in raising daughters? JP DeGance [00:03:47]: Nobles. Because of my work, and you mentioned some research that we've been doing, I run an org and a ministry that really seeks to equip churches to champion and encourage healthy relationships, marriage, fatherhood, and healthy fatherhood. And as I've gotten into the data, you can't help but understand That there is a retreat from marriage that's occurring that's gonna affect our sons and daughters, and that means something, especially for our daughters and how they grow and Dom. And and how they discern healthy relationships. I think the culture has cheapened relationships and meaningful relationships. And so coming alongside my daughters to help form them is so that they can know what the healthy guy looks like and how to avoid problematic relationships and toxic relationships, and then form friend groups, right? That reinforces that. Right? My mom used to say, you know, you are. I'm sure I'm not the only one whose mom said this. Right? You are who your friends are, who you associate with. JP DeGance [00:04:51]: You often reflect in terms of your personality and who you are. So those are just some of those things that, you know, recognizing. You know, the reality is is even at Conley, and you think about college, no, today's college is now 60% women, 40% men, and in the last, most recent most recent class. And what that actually mathematically means as a dad is it's gonna be actually harder mathematically for our daughters to find a guy who is of historically speaking woman marries someone of the same academic attainment level. And that means, if her daughters pursue college, it'll become harder to identify someone just because it just becomes a math problem. These are just some of the things I think about. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:30]: Now with eight kids, I know that even with twoo kids, each child is very different. I'm sure that with eight kids, you've got many different personalities and many different perspectives. And as you father 8 children, you have to build those unique relationships with each one of those kids in different ways. How do you do that, and how do you balance being able to build those unique relationships with each of your children, especially based on the age range that we're talking about? JP DeGance [00:06:04]: We spend a lot of time together, a lot of our social time as a family. And the kids enjoy being around each other. These kids we, we fight. The kids fight. Right? The kids argue, and that's all normal. But I will say our 18-year-old, our 17-year-old, and our 15-year-old are strange in that they don't complain when it's family time and we're Doing something social and fun. That said, it's it you're absolutely right. It's critical to find that time where you can spend time together individually with dog. JP DeGance [00:06:34]: A child. So I do a number of things. I travel for work, not infrequently, and so I try to bring one of my kids with me on a work trip Periodically so that there it's just with dad. If I'm going out, I have to go to Montana periodically, and that's a fun place to go and drive around and see the natural wonder of that heart of the country, and I'll do that. I've I've had to go on trips to Denver. I'll take one child. And one of the things that we'll do is try to do different types of rites of passage kind of experiences with our with a kid with our children when they hit a certain age, particularly, like, right before puberty, you know, they go on a trip. With me. JP DeGance [00:07:10]: It's a son who goes with me, and the daughter goes with mom. And we make a trip away, and we do a bit of the bird and the bees, conversations and, you know, how life is gonna be changing and really try to lay the groundwork there. Then when they graduate high school, we've done this once Now. We'll be doing it again this summer. We've taken our oldest. We've just selected that point to be just a trip with an experience that we just do with a high school graduate and celebrate that moment, let them know how important that moment was and their achievement and and and, obviously, in our as a family of 8, really appreciate that time when it's just me and them Or me and my wife and my child. And so those are some of the ways. And then you, you know, every child, you're absolutely right. JP DeGance [00:07:57]: Every child is different. Right? They need different things. Okay. I've grown to notice that my sons and I are studying this area; they want to know If they're competent, they wanna know. If I think that they're competent, they're they're they're effective. They can do they can do things. And so frequently, that's part of how I reinforce the My sons and my daughters so frequently wanna know if, and they range again from age 4 to age 15. They wanna know if they are actually beautiful. Are they being reinforced? I think they're certainly reinforcing your self-image and, Letting her know that Dad knows that they're they're a beautiful young lady, beautiful inside and out, and that's important in a way. JP DeGance [00:08:39]: They react differently, my sons and daughters, on these things, and I've seen that as really important for my daughters. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:45]: We talked about fears and how raising kids can be smooth sailing. It can also be challenging at times. What's been the hardest part for you In being a father to a daughter? JP DeGance [00:08:57]: Yeah. The hardest part of being a father to a daughter. My kids have struggled with dyslexia, sons and daughters. And realized that the traditional school model for us wasn't wasn't working for my daughters. What it wasn't working for my sons. I ended up having a series of conversations with a businessman that I thought very highly of, and he helped me open my eyes to thinking differently about education, particularly educating my daughters. Right? In the end, it led us to decide to alter what we were doing. We ended up Moving into a homeschool model where we could allocate capital for the kind of tutoring they needed and the kind of pace in the areas they needed. JP DeGance [00:09:40]: And that's been a really good thing. I think mom is really good at handling things like ways to dress and what have you. And so I don't have to do much of that. My wife is all over the stuff, and the and the girls, That's been a good thing for us, and the girls, I think, have, with some reluctance, taken to mom's guidance on such Dutch Things. Mom dresses well, and so they see that you can dress beautifully elegantly, and you can also dress modestly in those ways. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:12]: I mentioned that you were the president and CEO of Communio, and you sort of started to talk a little bit about what Communio is and what it focuses on. Tell me more about Communio, and then we'll talk about some of the research. I wanna hear more about the organization first. JP DeGance [00:10:28]: Sure. So we function like as a business to business, a b to b, so to speak, as a business model. So our customers always and everywhere, the local church. Okay. We equip the local church to evangelize through the renewal of healthy relationships, the Marriage, and the family. And a major part of, obviously, that is fatherhood. And so we do that through Coaching churches, training churches, and evidence-based strategies on relationship health. We do help produce No. JP DeGance [00:10:59]: A transformation in the mindset of pastors in the church is that investing in the strength of your marriage or your relationships is something everybody does. If you wanna be healthy, happy, and holy, no. And then that's what that's what one ought to do. And a big thing is part of that message is for men. Right? Heavily, on dads. If I love my children, One of the best ways for me to love my children is, whenever it's possible, to love the mother of my children more than my own children because when I do that, it spills over and has lifetime benefits on our children. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:33]: I mentioned the fact that your organization had been doing some research into loneliness. So talk to me about That and why your organization chose to start doing research on this topic. JP DeGance [00:11:46]: I've been startled like many of the Folks who've who've looked into space; we've got shortening lifespans. We are, as a country, when I was a kid. When you were a kid, people talk futurists saying, you know, maybe we're gonna live to a 100 or maybe a 110 in the future. It'll just be normal. No one ever thought 40 or 50 years ago that people would be short, living shorter and shorter lives. And that's that's where we are, particularly men as of recently, but it's also women. And we're heavily divergent from similar countries. So if you look at other countries of high wealth, we are having a sharp decline in our lifespan. JP DeGance [00:12:20]: That has a heavy relationship to the loneliness problem. In 2008, the first year in the United States, the surgeon general said that we had an epidemic of loneliness, and it's only increased. And so we work with our client churches to a small number of factors, no And one of those is loneliness, and there's something called the UCLA summary loneliness index. It's a 3 question tool that when you use it, depending on how you answer it, no If you score 6 or higher on it, you fit the public health definition of loneliness, which means your lifespan is basically the difference between dying in your the Mid-seventies to dying in your late fifties or, you know, right at sixty. Okay. And that's how significant it is. And and so. JP DeGance [00:13:03]: We wanted to make folks aware of what's going on with it. And, well, one of the things that stuck out sadly is some of the findings were it's not who you think Dog. Is lonely. Right? You would think it would make sense that it's the elderly and it's the widowed are the most likely to be lonely. And the reality is that the loneliest folks in the survey were the never married in their thirties and also the divorced in their thirties. Those were the two loneliest groups. They were lonelier than widows, and there was the loneliest group of widows were widows in their Fifties, which makes sense, and widowers and widows in their fifties, which makes sense. It's premature to have lost a spouse. JP DeGance [00:13:46]: That age, or maybe you're a recent empty nester, and so there's a major life change. But even still, someone who's 30, the 4-year-old who's never married, or 33 who's divorced. They're actually lonelier by a significant margin than those folks and Docs. Making sure, you know, when we talk to our client churches, like, this is something you need to be aware of. Right? Like, this is as a pastor, Doc. If you're talking about the importance of forming a heterogeneous community between singles and married, divorced and widowed, the Young and old. That should be a normal part of life in thinking through how to form those kinds of interlocking communities. The folks can have meaningful relationships and have the kind of purpose that flows from meaningful relationships that undo all of the horrible health effects of loneliness. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:34]: So, a part of the...
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Mack Brock: Faith, Family, and Finding Balance as a Dad
02/19/2024
Mack Brock: Faith, Family, and Finding Balance as a Dad
In a heartfelt and candid conversation on the Dads with Daughters podcast, , a renowned Christian musician, opens up about his fears and hopes as a father raising daughters. Emphasizing the need to protect and nurture his daughters into strong, independent women, Brock highlights the importance of understanding and engaging with each of his three kids in a way that resonates with their unique personalities and interests. Balancing Public and Private Life As both a musician and a parent, Mack Brock acknowledges the challenges of balancing his public persona with his private family life. He discusses the importance of creating a sense of family unity by involving his kids in his work and ministry, providing them with a glimpse into his passion and dedication to music while maintaining a healthy boundary between his public and private life. Embracing Change through Fostering The conversation takes a poignant turn as Brock shares his family's decision to become foster parents. The Brock family's journey began with a temporary foster placement that has since evolved into a long-term arrangement. Mack and his wife have navigated difficult conversations with their biological children about fostering, emphasizing the impact and importance of being adaptable and supportive as a family, irrespective of the changing dynamics. Nurturing Resilience and Emotional Well-being Brock delves into the emotional complexities of fostering and the potential impact of reunification with Z, their foster child, with his biological parents. The family has consciously chosen to shift their mentality from a temporary arrangement to embracing Z as a beloved member of their family, regardless of the duration he stays with them. They discuss the possibility of reunification and the potential need for family and individual child therapy to navigate the emotions and challenges that may arise. Music, Obedience, and Family Unity Mack Brock's music career and success have been a result of taking small obediences to the Lord and being open to opportunities as they arise. His commitment to faith and artistry is interwoven with his dedication to nurturing his family, demonstrating the harmony between his professional pursuits and familial responsibilities. The Brock family's journey reflects the utmost importance of faith, humility, and optimism in overcoming the challenges of parenthood and fostering. Mac Brock's thought-provoking insights and exemplary approach to parenting inspire us to embrace the challenges and joys of nurturing strength, resilience, and compassion in our children, whether biological or foster, amid life's ebbs and flows. His unwavering commitment to music and family shines a light on the transformative power of faith, love, and unwavering devotion in shaping a wholesome and nurturing family environment. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad who wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, an interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts but, more importantly, with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love sitting down with you and going on this journey that you and I both are on in raising those strong, independent women in our lives, and we can't do this alone. We have to have community, we have to be able to listen and learn the stories of other fathers around us. And through those stories, you and I can become stronger fathers ourselves, and we can be more engaged. We can be better intentional fathers to our daughters as well. I love being able to be on this journey with you. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:06]: I love being able to bring you different dads and different people every week from so many different walks of life who are fathering in different ways. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. There's no one right way to father. Every one of us does it a little bit differently, and that's okay. We can learn from each other, though, and know that Even if you started on 1 path toward fatherhood, you can pivot. You can change. You can make adjustments along the way because, Especially as your kids are young, they're gonna be forgiving, and they're going to accept you who you are, but you have to be willing to change too. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:43]: And you have to be willing to move in that other direction and be willing to say, you know what? This is not working. Or, yeah, this is working. And keep going. So this week, we got another great guest with us. Mac Brock is with us, and Mac is a is the CEO of . has 3 kids. He also has a ton of worship songs that you may or may not have already heard, and we're gonna talk about that music too. And that includes Foods, an RIAA-certified double platinum single, Oh Come to the Altar, a platinum-certified Do It Again, which amazingly has over 129,000,000 YouTube views, and a gold track resurrecting that has 49,000,000 YouTube views. I can't even imagine that many YouTube views, But I would love to have that many YouTube views. But we're gonna be talking about his music as well as well as talking about his journey as a father. Mac, thanks so much for being here today. Mack Brock [00:02:41]: So good to be here. I need to correct one thing. It's it's my wife who is the CEO of Proverbs 31. She is the boss lady. I'm just a musician. All I do is write and sing songs. My wife is, like, the superstar, rock star that kinda handles things that are way above my pay grade. Well, I Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:00]: appreciate that because we gotta give credit where credit's due. And, Meredith, keep up the awesome work. Keep rocking it. You can tell Mac is on your side, and we're all on your side. The So Mac, what I love starting these opportunities to talk with an opportunity to turn the clock back in time. Wouldn't that be great if we just had the power to snap our fingers and we could go back? But we're gonna turn the clock back in time to that first moment, that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Mack Brock [00:03:29]: Man, for both of my kids, I have a son first and then a daughter second. And for both of them, I was very wrong on the gender. I thought I was gonna have a daughter first, then I thought for sure I was gonna have another son. And so finding out I was having a daughter, it was just such a little bit panicky because I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to handle girls. I don't know how this it feels very scary and overwhelming. And then when she came, it was even that was even more magnified of like, alright. What am I supposed to do? But over the years, Step by step, day by day, I feel like me and my wife have learned together how to raise our little girl. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:09]: Talking about fear, I talked to a lot of dads. And especially dads with daughters, I hear constantly that there is some fear. There is some fear about stepping into the role of being a father the To a daughter. As you've had your daughter in your life and you reflect back on that, what was your biggest fear or what is your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Dog. Mack Brock [00:04:30]: I think, you know, we naturally have that protection instinct. And so there's just like, I want to protect her from everything. I wanna protect her from the world, the And, and that's not reality. We can do our part, but, eventually, you know, our goal is to raise up women and to raise up strong women who are independent and can go out into the world. And so I think it's still not I don't know if fear is the right word, but it's still on my mind the know my heart a lot of, like, navigating that, and how do I pour continue to pour into her and to steward her magical imagination, her creativity, and then also steward her strength And Steward, we're growing in to be a woman of the lord and and a woman that is confident and believes in herself. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:24]: I did mention you're a father of 3, and you have 3 different kids with different personalities, and different needs. Mack Brock [00:05:31]: All different. Very different. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:33]: As You look at all 3 of your kids, and you look at yourself as a father, I know that even with two kids, I have to Be engaged with my kids in different ways. I have to understand them differently to be able to spend that unique time with them. To be able to build those relationships, what do you have to do to be able to not only, You know, be the father you wanna be, the husband you wanna be, the musician you wanna be, but what do you have to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your kids? Mack Brock [00:06:09]: The Yeah. That's such a good point because it is so wild how vastly different my daughter and my son are, the two oldest. They come from, you know, me and my wife, same DNA, same the Same everything, and they are so different. And so I've had to learn just like everybody, they have different interests, different Hobbies and different ways to connect. And so, for my son, it's a lot of playing Fortnite. It's a lot of we have the same sense of humor, so we'll watch Docs YouTube videos where we'll kinda sit and enjoy something together. And my daughter is so different. For my daughter, it's a lot of Reading stories together or sitting down and playing LEGOs together and just having that kind of playtime. Mack Brock [00:06:53]: Dog. And even, like, bedtime routines are, like, way different between my kids. You know, my daughter really likes to, like, lay in bed and snuggle and talk and tell the stories to each other. My son was kinda never that way. But I've realized, man, this is like a small the Way to build, like, a deep connection with my daughter that is hopefully building and planting seeds and building a foundation that will last, Like, the rest of our lives in our relationship. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:20]: I love that because I think you're right. I mean, I think you have to go with the flow in so many ways, and you have to be willing to understand and get to know your kids, what makes them tick, but also what makes them light up the And add more fuel to that fire while at the same time, as you said, stewarding them the in other directions to be able to help them in many different ways. As you look at the fact I said, you are a musician. You live a public life in that way. People know you and your music, and they at least feel like they know you and know your music. Doc. Me about separating that and being able to live the public life while at the same time Protecting the private life while at the same time having your kids see that public life and understanding Who you are publicly versus privately. Mack Brock [00:08:19]: Oh, I totally know if I even know how to answer that question because I feel at the core of what I do, I'm just like a worship leader. Dog. You know, I don't feel like this, like, big artist or anything like that. Like, For my career, and my calling in life is to Lead worship, and sometimes that's at our local church in Charlotte. But a lot of times, it's me traveling out and going out, you know, across the country and across the world to lead worship in other places. I think a big thing for me that's always been at the forefront is that I've been very careful for my kids not to ever feel like it's ministry and the church that takes their dad away, and that's, like, the bad thing. You know? Like, my dad's a pastor, and he was very, very good about that. Like, I grew up not hating the church because it kept my dad busy. Like, my dad was very, very good at Connecting the family to everything that he was doing, and I tried to do the same. And so, you know, whether it's, like, bringing my kids along no travel with me or whether it's just, like, having open, constant conversations about what I'm going to do or what I get to be a part of. And so for us, it doesn't feel totally like there's this public persona, and then there's this private persona as much as it feels like this is what your dad does. This is his calling in life. This is when he goes out, and he sings about Jesus, and he tells people about Jesus. And my kids, in some respect, get to feel like they're a part of what I do. And so it's not just me going out and doing my job. It's like Doc. Our family is a part of this thing. And even with my wife's ministry and her running Proverbs 31, it's one big, like, unit of, like, this is what our family's calling are these different ministries that we get to be a part of. And I think just having conversations, allowing our kids to feel somewhat a part of that. I don't know. It's been really special and cool for us. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:15]: Now, raising sons and raising daughters are very different things in many different ways, And it takes a different touch. It takes a different perspective and a different way of parenting. What's been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Mack Brock [00:10:34]: I think, going back to what I said earlier, that I want my daughter to be. She's our creative. She's our magical thinker. She lives in, like, this like, her own world of, you know, just constantly creating stories. She's a songwriter. She's only 8, but, like, that's one of the ways that we connect. And so I think, as I said earlier, I think it's like learning to the Steward that and the learning to pour into all the things that make her magical and make her special and the Finding ways to just, like, cultivate and build that into her while at the same time wanting to build strength the in her. And that's one of the things like, my wife is such a strong woman, and she's such a she's just tough. Mack Brock [00:11:17]: And I lean on her of, like, how can we cultivate that in Cyrus' life and in Cyrus is hard. How can we make her have that same kind of bigger that my wife has without the Kind of hardening of the soft parts that Cyrus has? She's such a soft, tender, special spirit. And so it's just navigating those 2 things. Docs. It's tough now, but I think it's gonna be even tougher as she gets older and, like, learning how to just navigate that. I think another hard thing, just to be Totally real, is when you have a busy job and when you have, like, a demanding career, whatever it might be, traveling a lot or just, you know, busy at home. It's those moments where your daughter says like, hey. Mack Brock [00:11:57]: Will you do this with me? I want you, you know, can you come and sit down and play Legos with me? And you're worn out and tired, and you're like, no. Honestly, I just wanna I need to veg out for a minute. And it's hard to say, like, No. I have got to value and treasure these moments that my daughter is like she's verbally requesting, like, I want a connection with you, and it's the putting down your, I guess, your own, like, rest to make sure you're still, like, getting those connections with your kid. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:26]: So important. And I have definitely had those experiences where, as you said, You come home. You're just wiped, and your kid says, will you do this with me? And you just wanna say, I just need to the Sit down. Mack Brock [00:12:42]: And I fail a lot. I'm, you know, I mess I failed that test a lot, but it's something I've been challenging myself with a lot more, too, and just being aware of it And saying like, man, when when your kid is just asking. You know? And it's usually a very simple thing. They're not always asking, like, hey. Will you take me To this or take me to go do this? It's a lot of times it's just like, hey. Will you sit in my room and play with me? Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:04]: As they get older, that's when they say, will you take me here? Will you take me there? Right. Mack Brock [00:13:09]: Right. I'm not quite there yet. Yeah. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:10]: I get that. I completely understand that. So I know that one of the other experiences that you and your wife have had has been in the foster arena and that you stepped a number of years back now into the world of being a foster parent too. And you've had a son come into your life that way. And so talk to me about that journey and what made you and your wife choose to step on that path and bring him into your life. Mack Brock [00:13:42]: Yes. Just a quick rundown. So we have, our oldest son, the biological son, Harvey, he's 12. My daughter, Cyrus, is 8. Then in 2020, we decided, we got our foster parents' license and decided to start fostering. And we got a little boy come to live with us named Z, and he's been with us for about three and a half years now. Mack Brock [00:14:02]: Fostering was always something that was on my wife's heart, and it wasn't really on mine. But it was kind of like, I'll take the classes, and I'll read the books and take it one step at a time, and ultimately, It became a big portion of my heart as well of, like, feeling the call to do that. And yeah. And so it was just a lot of little yeses that ultimately led to, like, the big yes of you get the phone call, and they're like, hey. We have this little boy. He's five months old. Mack Brock [00:14:31]: He needs a place to stay for the immediate future, then we'll figure out what's next. In the immediate future, a week turns into a month, turns into six months, turns into three and a half years. And so that has been, it's been a gift for us. It's been a challenge, obviously. I mean, just having a 3-year-old is a challenge. So that is what comes with the territory. But I think one of the things that is talking about parenting and all that aspect is there's been a lot of the healthy but also, like, difficult conversations with our bio kids of saying like, hey. Like, we're bringing in Doubt. Mack Brock [00:15:06]: This other person that's gonna take a lot of our attention, and he's gonna have a lot of things that we have to focus on. And that's gonna take attention away from you, or that's gonna take the time away from you. And so even just being honest about the realities of fostering or the realities of adding another kid to your family. Those have been healthy conversations. It's also just been the reality of, like, they're difficult. Those are difficult things for kids to go through, and it's led to a lot of, like, just good connections. And I think it's interesting because, for my wife and me, that's something that we say yes to. Mack Brock [00:15:42]: And when we decided to say yes to it, we wanted to bring our kids in, explain to them, here's where we're leaning. We want to make sure y'all feel comfortable with this as well. And they're kids, and so it's not like they can totally create here's my consent, and here are all the things of, you know, all these the arguments or whatever, but they were very excited about it. But it's something we've had to continue to have conversations about throughout the whole journey, and the Three and a half years that Z has been with us continue to...
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From Protectiveness to Empowerment: Dai Manuel's Insights on Parenting and Letting Go
02/12/2024
From Protectiveness to Empowerment: Dai Manuel's Insights on Parenting and Letting Go
In a recent episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, host Dr. Christopher Lewis delved into an insightful conversation with guest , focusing on the unique challenges of fatherhood, maintaining resilience in relationships, and embracing as a means of self-improvement. As the father of two daughters and an advocate for holistic well-being, Dai Manuel shared his experiences as an "on-demand dad" and discussed the emotional journey of transitioning into the empty nest phase. In this blog post, we'll explore the valuable insights and practical advice shared by Dai Manuel on navigating fatherhood, fostering resilient relationships, and pursuing holistic fitness for a fulfilling life. Fatherhood and the Empty Nest Phase Dai Manuel candidly shared his experiences of fatherhood, particularly as his daughters have grown up and moved out of the family home, leaving him and his wife as empty nesters. As a father, he discussed the emotional challenges of letting go and acknowledging the everlasting nature of parenting, even as children grow older and become independent. He highlighted the importance of recognizing the evolving role of a parent and the continuous support needed by children, even into adulthood. Resilience in Relationships The conversation also delved into the impact of empty nesting on the relationship dynamics between parents. Dai Manuel emphasized the need for intentional, consistent, and persistent efforts to build resilience in relationships, especially during the transition to empty nesting. He shared insights on the importance of using specific language and establishing a dedicated weekly date night as effective tools for strengthening the bond between partners. Dai's recommendations of relationship books such as "," "," and "" serve as valuable resources for maintaining healthy and resilient relationships. Navigating Parental Concerns and Relationships Dai Manuel reflected on the challenges of navigating parental concerns, particularly in his youngest daughter's relationship. Drawing from his experience in men's coaching and relationship work, Dai shared a meaningful conversation he had with his daughter about recognizing toxic behaviors in her relationship. He emphasized the significance of stepping in as a father to help children perceive situations that they may not fully understand. Additionally, he recommended the book "" and highlighted insights from it, which played a pivotal role in his conversation with his daughter. Embracing Vulnerability and Whole Life Fitness Dai spoke about the impact of vulnerability in fostering deep connections with his daughters and in his relationships. This vulnerability extends beyond parenting and into his brand new podcast, "The 2% Solution," which focuses on whole-life fitness. He emphasized the significance of engaging in physical, emotional, spiritual, relationship, and financial fitness as essential components of a fulfilling life. The podcast aims to provide actionable strategies that can be implemented in as little as 30 minutes a day, focusing on areas such as releasing trauma, clarifying values, and using fitness as a catalyst for overall well-being. Taking Action for Holistic Well-Being Dai Manuel's encouragement for incorporating a nutrient-dense green smoothie and 30 minutes of brisk walking into daily routines is a practical example of taking action for holistic well-being. He emphasized the positive impacts on sleep, stress management, food choices, physical changes, and metabolism, urging listeners to embrace these simple habits for positive transformation. In summary, Dai Manuel's insights offered a wealth of wisdom on navigating the empty nest phase, fostering resilient relationships, embracing vulnerability, and pursuing holistic fitness. His commitment to supporting fathers and individuals in their pursuit of well-being serves as an inspiration for all. As we navigate the complexities of parenthood and seek personal growth, Dai's advice and experiences serve as a guiding light for creating meaningful connections, building resilience, and embracing holistic well-being through intentional actions. Download Dai's Green Smoothies Learn more about Dai In the spirit of continuous improvement, the Dads With Daughters podcast extends an invitation to join the Fatherhood Insider and the for ongoing support, resources, and connection with fellow dads. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. I am really excited to have you back again this week, every week. I love being able to sit down with you and talk to you about the journey that you're on, share some of my own experiences, and really delve into the things that are challenging you and bringing people to talk to you about the journey that they have had the And things that they can offer to help your journey be even smoother than it may have already been. Every father comes to fatherhood in different ways. There's no one right way to father. We've talked about that numerous times in numerous episodes, Dog. And it's so true because the way that you fathered, the way that I fathered, is going to be just a little bit different. But that doesn't mean that we can't learn from one another. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]: That doesn't mean that we can't be vulnerable with one another and talk about our challenges because there will be challenges. It's not always going to be the Roses. It's not always going to be easy, but if you surround yourself with people who will help you, we'll lift you up. That is only going to help you be a stronger father and be there, more engaged, and a better parent in the end for your kids. Every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different men, different people who have lots of different experiences that they can share with you. This week, I am really excited to be able to bring back the Repeat guest, Di Manuel, who is with us today. Di is a repeat guest. As I said, he was first with us on May 18th, 2020. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:58]: It's been two and a half years. Been quite a while. Things have changed in Dai's life, and we're gonna talk about some of those changes that have happened. We're Doc. We're also gonna be talking about some of the things that he's doing right now to support dads and people to be able to really change their mindset, Dog. Think about not only fitness, wellness, and more but really changing your mindset to moving yourself in the right direction toward whole body fitness. And when I say fitness, it's not just about exercise, so we're gonna talk about that too. Di, thanks so much for being here today. Dai Manuel [00:02:31]: Chris, man, I gosh. The Last time we chatted was, like, a new lockdown. It was. Crazy, right, to think about wow, dude. This is awesome. I mean, it's, no, but it's funny, right, because we're connected online. Right? Like, I see you show up in my feed regularly. I see each other commenting in different groups. Dai Manuel [00:02:49]: So I feel like We've been there all the time. You know? So it's, but it's nice to be here in this formal, wow, return guest. I mean, I'm just honored to be back again. I'm like, wow. Do I have something extra to talk about? I'm sure gonna try. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:03]: Well, as I said, things have changed since the last time we talked. And the last time we talked, your kids were you had one that was graduating. You had another that was still in high school and getting ready to keep going on in high Doc. Since then, they've both been out of the house. They're both doing their thing. They're adulting in their own ways, and now they have grown and flown. And I guess I wanted to talk a little bit about that and some of the new reality for you and your spouse and to talk about some of the things that you've had to do as your kids have moved out of the house to now be able to still be a be their dad, But maybe in a little bit different way. Dai Manuel [00:03:47]: DOD, the acronym. I'm a dad on demand. Alright? Docs. It's quite literally. You know, when I think about it now, my kids, are quick to ask for help when they need it, But that's about it. Otherwise, they're exerting their independence every which way they can. And you know what? Right on. Because I mean, I remember when I was 18 and moving away from home. Dai Manuel [00:04:10]: I moved all the way across the country. You know? At 18, I graduated high school, and I was okay. Peace out. I'm gone. Dog. And I literally went from Toronto, you know, like, on Ontario all the way to Vancouver, which is the furthest I could go on the West Coast. And so I remember the excitement, the exhilaration, but also the fear, right, associated with all that. Now, with my daughters, they're both still in the province, which is awesome. Dai Manuel [00:04:32]: So they're within distance. My one daughter, you know, literally an hour away. My other daughter is about 6 hours away. So I don't see them as much as I'd like to. Of course. That transition from them leaving home, That move-out day, because we moved them. We did. We moved both of them into the universities, one on campus, the other one renting a room and shared home. Dai Manuel [00:04:53]: And just the act of moving them and then driving away. It was really hard. I didn't realize how challenging it was gonna be. I mean, I remember my mom just bawling your eyes out that day that I was leaving to get on the plane to move to Vancouver. Right? Like, I remember just losing it and being like, What's up, Mom? What's wrong with you? You know? Like, don't worry about it. It's not like I'm dying here. I'm just I'm just moving. I get it now. Dai Manuel [00:05:19]: I get it. And, obviously, I didn't bawl like my mom did, but I shed some tears. There was this feeling of a clap and just being all choked up. And that's just the, I guess, part of life. Right? We all process it a little bit differently. It was much harder on my wife, full disclosure. It was definitely more challenging for her, especially when our 2nd daughter moved away because now it was, like, the 20 years of having kids around to no kids around. And what should be the 1st to say that I'm kind of a big kid? Dai Manuel [00:05:44]: But, anyway, I at least clean up after myself. But it's been just an interesting last few months. We're in a great place now. We talk to the kids regularly. We always have a Sunday night Zoom call, all of us on the call. We do message. We have a very active WhatsApp Family feed that we're constantly sharing. We also have a family feed on Instagram for us to share some of the funny posts that we're consuming. Dai Manuel [00:06:04]: And so there's lots of regular the contact still, but it's not that face to face like I was used to. So all that being said, it's just, I hate the cliche, but I'm gonna say it anyways. You know? Such as life, and it just goes on. Right? So but, yeah, that's that's more or less, you know, the update over the last few months because it's it's been interesting. The One Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:22]: of the things that I guess that I wanna follow up on and ask you about there is the fact that you and your wife are now empty nesters, the We're gonna say Right. You're out of the house, and it's just the 2 of you now. And that is a transition for many as you have gone from a dynamic of the 1st 4, then 3, and now just the 2 of you. How has that changed your relationships, and what have you had to do? To be able to fill that gap and maybe even reconnect in some ways now that the kids are not there. Dai Manuel [00:06:56]: Great question, Chris, because I also know that this is well, let's be honest. This is a big issue for a lot of couples. You know? When the kids move out of the house, I mean I, and I hate to say this, but we all sorta know what the underlying Reality is here. And a lot of times, parents stay together until the kids leave the home. I remember my parents, they did that for the longest as they could, but they eventually got to a place where it's like, no. Dog. My dad's mental health, my mom's mental health, they needed to split. But I know that it went on for years, trying to keep the family unit together. Even though the relationship between the parents, you know, was not something to emulate. Dai Manuel [00:07:32]: You know? Like, you could tell there are issues. So this whole piece around relationships and that dynamic constantly variable relationship, this romantic relationship, you know, between my wife and I, I have to be well, then I'm gonna share with you. You know, there's 1 thing that's helped us navigate this really well. And what I mean by that is it's the resiliency to deal with stress. That's what we're all looking to improve In every aspect of life, right, like resiliency, you can make yourself more resilient, being consistent and persistent enough To build up certain tolerances, if you will, or buffers. Right? And what I mean by that is, obviously, if you do some of that exercise and work out fairly regularly, You're gonna be on the far end of healthy. Right? So if you get sick or an injury, you're gonna shift back a little bit, but you might go from being uber-healthy to healthy. So you have a bit more buffer where, you know, some people might be struggling to be healthy. Dai Manuel [00:08:23]: They get a major injury or sickness. Woah. They go to unhealth very quickly. And so it's, again, building up resilience in all these different ways. And when it comes to our relationship, there's one thing that I think's given us a lot of resilience as a couple. And I think we might have shared about this before, but Chris, I use a certain type of language. Anybody who sees my social or hears me talking about my wife, I always say we've been dating for x amount of years. Like, I've been dating my wife now going on 23 years. Dai Manuel [00:08:50]: I am very selective with that language. I'm intentional with that language. Because my wife today, Chris, is very different than the woman I met almost 23 years ago. But if I didn't intentionally, with a lot of diligence and patience, but also a wanting to constantly reconnect. Rediscover all those aspects that are shifting in us if I didn't do that, obviously, that idea of growing apart. Is a reality, but we wanted to grow together, not apart. And for that, we had a dedicated date night that was nonnegotiable. Dai Manuel [00:09:27]: Both of our calendars every week, Saturday night, 5 to 11. Boom. Nonnegotiable. Like, we have friends that call us, and they'll be like, oh, no. It's Saturday night. We can only ask Diane Christie if we ask them as a couple. You know? It's not like one or the other. Dog. Dai Manuel [00:09:42]: But this has been really a godsend for us. You know? Like this dedicated evening every week, doesn't matter how busy life is, the How much chaos is going on around us or for us or into us. Right? We know we have this little oasis to look forward to where we have that intentional energy shared with each of us, between us. And so that has been one thing that has really helped us with the resiliency in our relationship. There are other things as well. For, I recommend people read the 5 love Languages and the four agreements, two great books that I highly recommend, and there's also a book called Conscious Loving. Those are three key relationship books I recommend to anybody and everybody who listens to me, and quite frank, you don't need any other relationship books. If you had those 3, you've got everything covered. Dai Manuel [00:10:26]: The Okay? But that's really it. That piece that's allowed us to sort of sustain that part of us, you know, as a couple. And since the kids have left, It's been even more important to honor that weekly date, if you know what I mean, because it is interesting because it was just so many opportunities for us to do things during the week When the kids are around. When the kids weren't there, all of a sudden, it's like saying yes to, you know, she might come home late after work, or I might do an impromptu workout with a buddy or Go for a bike ride. Like, before, we would have had this time to come together and meet and start preparing dinner, etcetera, and that's not happening as regularly now. And so intentional date night is even more important now than it was when we had kids, which is interesting. And I know some people are thinking, oh, that's Different, but, no, it's true. It really is true. Dai Manuel [00:11:08]: Because I can see how couples grow apart when the kids go away. I really do see that. So we're doing our darndest not to let that happen. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:15]: You talked originally about the kids and how you are letting them fly and that they are they're dads on-demand type of aspect. Dog. Talk to me about what you've had to do to let go because for many men, for many fathers, you want to still be a part of their lives, and you want to stay engaged, but as you said, dad on demand, and you have to give them that space to be able to do the things that they need to do to adult, to learn, to grow, but that's not always easy. So talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to get into that mindset or get yourself in that place where you can let go. Dai Manuel [00:12:00]: Wow. That's a great question. That's a really, really great question. And, you know, I'm like, geez. I wish I could've listened episode that gave me this information before. You know? So with us, actually, I'll bring it back a step for a second. The Wonder, how do I present? Well, I'm just gonna say it as it is. You know? Whatever. Dai Manuel [00:12:19]: I'll let that it'll come out in the wash. My daughter's both dating. Okay? They both had some boyfriends boyfriend. My eldest daughter just went through her 1st big breakup, so she's sort of in that state of being single again and figuring out what that looks like, but she's been in a long-term relationship for over three years with the same guy and great guy. We, like, became part of our family quite literally. And so us as his parents, Obviously, we could be very naive and think, wow. I thought they'd be together forever. You know, it's like she's barely 21. Dai Manuel [00:12:50]: Right? Forget about it. But There was that feeling of wanting to protect them emotionally and psychologically, being there to console them, to protect And guard them against any negative. But that was something that we had to try, and it's been easier for me than my wife. The Okay. She's had a hard time with this because we both have an idea of how she can handle things better. How can you handle the breakup a little bit better? What's the intention? Where are you going after this breakup? Like, really just asking some very specific questions that are challenging, but to also help her be more reflective, But also learn from this experience because that's the thing with kids. And, I...
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From Comedy to Fatherhood: Chris Zito's Unique Parenting Perspective
02/05/2024
From Comedy to Fatherhood: Chris Zito's Unique Parenting Perspective
In a heartwarming and candid episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, the seasoned comedian shares his experiences, triumphs, and struggles as a father. From navigating through his daughter's remarkable accomplishments to supporting her through a significant life transition, Zito's journey as a dad is touching and inspiring. Join us as we delve into the insightful conversation with Chris Zito, exploring his approach to being a supportive father, a dedicated advocate, and a successful entertainer. Becoming a Father at 19 Chris Zito's journey into fatherhood began at the tender age of 19. He openly discusses the initial fear he felt about not being capable of loving his child and the challenges that came with being a young parent. Zito's honest reflections shed light on the anxieties and uncertainties that many young fathers may face, emphasizing the importance of addressing these fears and embracing the journey of fatherhood with openness and resilience. Navigating Fear and Challenges As Chris Zito's children grew and reached different life phases, he grappled with ongoing fear and challenges. He discusses his unique approach to living with and understanding fear, highlighting the significance of staying present and acknowledging past successes in overcoming fear. Zito's wisdom is a source of encouragement for fathers who may be confronting their own fears and uncertainties in the parenting journey. Unique Relationships with Each Child One of the most endearing aspects of Chris Zito's story is the distinctive relationships he has built with each of his children. From a daughter living in an RV to a son living far away with two daughters of his own, Zito's ability to connect with his children under various circumstances is both heartening and relatable. His lighthearted approach to sharing jokes and experiences of fatherhood with his children serves as a reminder of the importance of maintaining strong, supportive connections with kids, regardless of the physical distance. Supporting a Transgender Child A poignant and significant part of Chris Zito's narrative revolves around his daughter's transition. Zito grappled with his initial reactions and fears, ultimately emphasizing the importance of support and understanding for his daughter's journey. He provides a candid glimpse into navigating medical appointments and finding a delicate balance of support and time for his daughter. Zito's experience shines a light on the complexities of parenthood, especially when it entails providing unwavering support for a child going through a significant life transition. Balancing Comedy with Family Life As a seasoned comedian, Chris Zito challenges incorporating his family's experiences into his stand-up material. He acknowledges the delicate balance between honesty and humor, especially when it comes to integrating his daughter's transition into his comedy. Zito's honest portrayal of this balance resonates with many fathers navigating similar professional and personal juggling acts. Chris Zito's journey as a father encompasses a multitude of emotions, challenges, and triumphs. His resilience, unwavering support for his children, and candid storytelling serve as a source of inspiration for fathers everywhere. Through his experiences, Zito underscores the significance of being an engaged and supportive father, especially during adversity and change. His heartfelt anecdotes and wisdom on navigating fatherhood create a heartwarming and insightful narrative for Dads with Daughters listeners to embrace and appreciate. This podcast episode sheds light on Chris Zito's personal experiences and invites fathers to contemplate their journey in raising strong, independent daughters. With humor, compassion, and unwavering dedication, Zito epitomizes the essence of fatherhood - a journey filled with love, challenges, and immeasurable growth. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to actively participate in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, Independent Women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, we're on a journey together. This is an opportunity for us to talk and work with one another. And every week, I love being able to sit down with you and talk about the journey you're on To raise your daughters. And I've mentioned this many times, but as you get older, as your kids get older, there are going to be those phases, those ebbs and flows, the ups and downs, and I love talking to you about this. It's important that we talk about this because there's no one right way to father. There are many ways that you can father, and you can learn about the many people around you, but also, every week, I love being able to have different dads joining us and different people who are joining us that can help you along that journey, and you can learn from them as well. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:20]: This week, we got another great guest. Chris Zito is with us, and Doc. Chris is a father of 4. He definitely has kids that are grown and flown. We're gonna talk about that. But definitely, we're going to have some opportunities to learn from his own experience and help you in the journey that you're on. Chris, thanks so much for being here today. Chris Zito [00:01:37]: My absolute pleasure, Chris. Thanks for inviting me. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:39]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love to start by first being able to have the power to turn the clock back in time. And wouldn't we all like that at at points in time? But I would love to have you go back to that 1st moment. That first moment that you found out you were going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head? Chris Zito [00:02:02]: Well, first of all, I was 18 when I got that news. I was 19 when she was born. You know, I always joke that Dog. I went to college for 1 year. I majored in psychedelic drugs and got my girlfriend pregnant. So it was not the ideal way to begin fatherhood. Dom. But the other thing I always say about her is that she was unexpected but never unwanted. Chris Zito [00:02:22]: Because even growing up, Dog. I knew I wanted to be a father. I wanted to have my own family. I just didn't expect it to start as early as it did. And, of course, I also had no idea exactly what I was in for. Doug. I used to make this joke in my stand-up act about how her parents were freaking out. My parents were freaking out. Chris Zito [00:02:39]: She and I weren't even freaking out as much Docs. Because we had no idea. You know, I said to my dad, we're in love. We don't need money. He said, oh, that's great because you won't have any. And, of course, he was right; the poverty got boring in a hurry, but so that was hard. I didn't know that it was gonna be a girl until she was born. This was before gender reveal parties, and even people found out through ultrasound what the gender was gonna be. But so, for me, it was a typical first-time father. Chris Zito [00:03:07]: Doc, I had no preference. I wanted a healthy child, and so that's what we got. And I should work as I often as I do in just about every conversation. That Baby grew up and today has a Ph.D. Doctor Kagoshawl, as I often refer to her. That's her married name. And so I like to throw because I gotta tell you, Chris. When something like that happens, I blame the parents. Chris Zito [00:03:27]: Like, to take a little credit if something goes Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:29]: right. Right? You definitely wanna do that and take credit where credit where you can, but also help to raise up your daughter and shout from the rooftops, Docs. When things are going well, especially in this world of social media, sometimes that's good, and sometimes that's bad. It's not always a good thing, you know when people tend to see only the positive things that are happening in people's lives, but, you know, it is something that we deal with. Now I know that; as you kinda said, you didn't know what you didn't know. And every dad goes through that as you go into it. And a lot of dads that I talk to talk to me about being fearful, Especially when it comes to having a daughter. So what was your biggest fear in raising daughters? Chris Zito [00:04:11]: Well, I can tell you that while her mother was pregnant. And I had never been a father before. I had this fear that I wouldn't love this kid. I mean, that was something that just kinda came out of nowhere. I honestly thought, well, what if the baby is born and I'm just kinda, nah, whatever? Now, of course, that was not the case. It was much more like love at first sight. It was an immediate connection. It was, as I'm sure you've heard a lot of fathers say, that's up there with the best days of my life, especially her because that's when I became a father. Chris Zito [00:04:38]: But, of course, I Dog. I had this feeling of wanting to protect her and wanting to the early part of her life because I'm a guy in recovery. I'm a recovering alcoholic, And I got sober when she was about 7 or 8. So the 1st part of her life, I wasn't as thoughtful of a father as I would become later on in her life. So a lot of times early in her life, my big fear was that, do I have enough booze in the house because they don't sell anything on Sunday? But I also had a lot of fear of financial insecurity, the Constantly chasing rent, and, I mean, we probably moved every year the 1st 5, 6 years of her life because the rent would go up, And then we'd go out and get a lousier apartment until things started to get better. And when I talk now to young dads, I talk a lot about that fear because I was a young kid. I was derailed in my college career. I didn't have a career. Chris Zito [00:05:28]: I was barely employable. We didn't have any money. But one of the things that I learned as years went by, and I've met so many fathers over the years. And now that I talk to dads, I find that that man becomes a father for the 1st time later in life. Let's say a guy's pushing 40, and he gets the news that he's gonna be a father. He has a career, some money in the bank, and a dog. And when I talk to these guys, they express the same fear that I remember having, and that's what I tell young dads. Like, it doesn't matter your circumstances. Chris Zito [00:05:59]: No, this fear is gonna come up because you always feel like, is it enough? Is it am I giving my kids enough? Am I gonna have enough? Are they gonna be well-fed? They're gonna be well dressed? Are they gonna be well educated? Are they gonna be well prepared to have a successful life? I mean, Those are huge questions. That's a really big thing, and that's what makes the job so important. Those are big, big questions. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:22]: They are big questions, and I think every dad struggles with them. You know, your kid goes off after high school to whether it's to college, whether it's to trade, whether it's to work, And you start to see them spreading their wings a bit, and there's a fear at different points in your kids' lives. The fear that you have when your child is first born, as they go to school for the 1st time, as they get into middle school, as they get into high school, as they go off into college, the Each of those phases, each of those times in their life, the fear is just a little bit different. And then as you're I'm I'm sure, and you can you can the Talk to this a lot more than I can right now. Once your child gets beyond high school and whether they've gone to college or not, then They go out on their own for the 1st time. There's more fear. And so I think that fear doesn't just end for a parent. It's always there. Chris Zito [00:07:18]: Well, that's why I mean, I feel like, you know, we're never gonna be able to eliminate those fears completely. So what I tried to learn how to do, and I learned a lot of this in recovery, is learning about what causes the fear, how to live with the fear, and how to diminish the fear. And the thing about fear is that everybody that you meet, when I talk to dads about their fears, I maybe don't know their specific fear, but I know where it lives because all fear lives in the future. Everything we've ever been afraid of, it's always something that hasn't happened yet. So one of the first things I point out to these dads is we're here together tonight. Every fear you've ever experienced, whether it came true or not, every disaster, every catastrophe, every emergency, every difficult situation you've ever faced, you made it through. You made it through all of those, and the evidence is that you're sitting. We're all here together tonight. Chris Zito [00:08:04]: So we've all made it this far, and that's something that's important to remember when a fear pops up In my day, so first of all, talk a little bit about mindfulness. I don't like to use that word because it kinda conjures up this sort of DATSON. It seems so complicated, but the way I put it is, I'd like to keep my head where my feet are. And so then I'm living in the now. So if I'm in the now, what's gonna happen next, dogs? It isn't as fearful. Doesn't create that fear. The fear comes when I'm thinking about what's gonna happen next so much. Chris Zito [00:08:33]: But if I'm the Keeping my head where my feet are, it's not gonna happen as much. I can stop, and I can pause, and I can remember all the evidence that's behind me that tells me I'm gonna be able the get through whatever's coming next. And that's immensely important to remember. It's so easy to forget when the fear comes up that, oh, yeah. I faced this fear before, and guess what? And you know what? Everything worked out. Maybe not the way I thought it would, but we're still here. So that's the good news. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:58]: That is the good news. Now I mentioned at the beginning that you've 4 kids. Each one of your children is different from one another, and they come, as you talked to me before, from 2 different marriages. And so every father with multiple kids has to be able to develop those relationships in unique ways and maintain those relationships, the has to build them throughout their kids' lives and maintain them throughout their kids' lives. Talk to me about what you had to do as your kids were growing, but even now that they're adults, you have had to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your children. Chris Zito [00:09:33]: Well, they all live in such different situations, too, So it sorta comes naturally. Like doctor Coggeshall, who I mentioned, she and her husband sold their house, and they bought an RV. And they live in an RV. They both work, Doc. Remotely. They're both well-educated. They're both professionals, but they work remotely. And so they live in this RV. Chris Zito [00:09:51]: It's like them in an RV park, And they're the only ones under 70. You know? Almost the only ones under 70. And so whenever I talk to her, it's about that life that she's chosen, And she just sounds so happy doing it. It just blows my mind. I get off the phone with her. I guess she just sounds so happy. You can't ask for more than that. Now my son, who's about to turn 40, has two daughters. Chris Zito [00:10:14]: He's given me two granddaughters. Now that's the great news. The bad news is they live in Pensacola, Florida, and I live in Massachusetts, Dog. I get to see them that often. And he and I talk a lot about being a dad. He's the only one of my children that has children, and so I always joke with them. You know? I always tell them, you know what, Ben? You gotta remember. You come from a long line of dads. Chris Zito [00:10:35]: So make sure that you're, you know, I mean, the name of my podcast, and my talk is Doc. Like it's your job, and so we talk a lot about fatherhood. It was typical. I had that same experience when I became a father. My relationship, the way I saw my father, changed dramatically quickly once I became a father. So he and I talk a lot about His daughters and the younger one I hear from all the time. With today's technology, she sends me these videos on Facebook Messenger, and she'll reach out. And we FaceTime all the time. Chris Zito [00:11:06]: The other one just turned 14, and she has about as much time for me as she has for a dad. So now the ones that are home, my daughter Mackenzie is the 23. She's about to graduate from college. Her big concern is trying to find a job in her field and maybe move out. And so my wife and I tried to reassure her. We don't have a calendar where there's no clock ticking. You know what I mean? I think she feels like the day after she walks to get a degree, her bags are gonna be packed at the front door, so we try to reassure her because I don't know if you've looked at rents out there or you know. I mean, it's it's hard for kids to get out on their own. It's harder than ever. Chris Zito [00:11:41]: And then, the baby is a senior in high school, and she is openly trans. She came out to us about a little over two years ago, And she is just now starting her medical transition. So when you see her, she sort of presents as gender nonconforming, but Dog. She is, and she just signed with a modeling agency because she's 6 feet tall and 140 pounds, so she's built like a runway model and has long, Thick, wavy hair. And so she's been navigating a lot of that, and that's a lot of our conversations are just making sure that She gets to her medical appointments, that all of that stuff is covered, that she understands everything that's happened, that we all understand each other, that she continues to get that sort of support the Hey. We're with you. We don't use her dead name. We had pictures of her when she was little Vincent, and I've asked her multiple times, hey. Chris Zito [00:12:35]: You want me to get rid of these pictures? Dom. Because that's something that because we've, you know, studied up on this, and I don't know. She's very patient with us. She's very relaxed about that sort of stuff. I think that she's kind of like, no. That's, that's that was me. That was me. I'm okay with those pictures. Chris Zito [00:12:51]: So those are the kind of things that we deal with a lot with her. And then, of course, the usual high school Duff. How are your grades? When are you gonna be home? Who are you gonna be with? Trans or not, she's an 18-year-old girl, and so there's still a lot of those same concerns. Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:04]: So talk to me about that because you had 3 other children that conform to the gender that they were at birth. Dog. You have a 4th child that throws a little bit of a curveball, and you and your spouse have figured that out and have worked through that. But others who may be just starting this process may be trying to figure it out for themselves. What does that mean for our family? How do we best support our child? You know, what can we do to be there for them? What did you have to do to be able to get to the point where you're at now . I can see I mean, you are...
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Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men with Sean Harvey
01/29/2024
Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men with Sean Harvey
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, host Christopher Lewis welcomes , the Chief Compassion Officer and founder of the . Sean is passionate about helping men heal their wounds at a soul level to embrace the truth of who they are. He co-founded Project Compassion, a coalition of culture transformation, masculinity, and compassion experts, focusing on working with police departments and military services. Sean recently released his book, "Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men," which serves as a roadmap for men's soul healing and systems change. Sean shares his journey into men's work, a 10-year transformational path that started when he worked for Eileen Fisher, a women's fashion company. He discusses the impact of the company's feminine leadership on men and how it led him to engage in men's work. He also emphasizes the importance of a soul-level approach to healing and compassion, acknowledging that men need to heal unmet needs, limiting beliefs, and past traumas. Christopher and Sean talk about breaking down barriers related to words like "vulnerability" and "compassion," emphasizing the need for an environment where men feel safe to open up. Sean highlights the importance of self-compassion and loving oneself unconditionally as a catalyst for positive change within families. They discuss Sean's book and its guided journey, outlining various components of healing and transformation. The book is an on-ramp for men to engage in meaningful conversations and contribute to the transformation of society's oppressive systems. Sean encourages men to find a community where they can go deep and connect with others to combat loneliness and isolation. In their conversation, they explore how embracing deeper connections, intimacy, and love can lead to healing and transformation, allowing men to become more patient, reflective, and present fathers. They also stress the significance of having a community of men who check in on each other. This episode reinforces the importance of community, compassion, and self-discovery as essential steps for men on their journey to becoming the best dads they can be and healing themselves in the process. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We're figuring this out as we go along. There is no one right way to father, and there's not one right way to go through life as a man as well. And, You know, every week, we have opportunities to be able to talk about this, to be able to delve a little bit deeper into this, to see what each of us can do to be Engaged, present, and be a part of our family's lives. And I do that. We do that Through talking with other guests as well. Christopher Lewis [00:01:01]: And every week, I have the pleasure of bringing different people on with different Experiences coming from different walks of life that are able to provide you with Tools for your own toolbox that can help you to start thinking about things in different ways and potentially framing things in different ways that will help you To be better in all sense of the word. This week, we've got another great guest with us. Shawn Harvey is with us. And Sean is the chief compassion officer and founder of the Warrior Compassion Men's Studio And Symphonia Facilitator Studio. And he is actively involved in contributing to men's work communities around the globe And he's passionate about helping men heal their wounds at a soul level to begin to love the truth of who they are. Sean cofounded the, Project Compassion, a national coalition of culture transformation, masculinity, and compassion experts Developing a compassion centered system change model and consulting approach for police departments and federal law enforcement agencies, Military service security forces and defense. And most recently, he has a brand new book called Warrior Compassion, Unleashing the healing power of men that was just released, and this book really offers a road map for men's soul healing As a catalyst for systems change. I'm really excited to have him on to talk more about the journey that he's been on to help men around the world And about this brand new book, and I'm excited to have him here today. Christopher Lewis [00:02:46]: Sean, thanks so much for being here. Sean Harvey [00:02:48]: Thanks for having me. It's great to be here. Christopher Lewis [00:02:50]: It is my pleasure having you here today. Love what you're doing. Love the the the concept. Like, I wanna turn the clock back in time because You've done a lot of different things that have led you to where you are today. You and I you and I were talking about all the different degrees and all the different aspects and all the things you've done in your career. But I guess first and foremost, as I talked about the fact that that you are the chief compassion officer and founder of Warrior Compassion Men's studio. So talk to me about Warrior Compassion Men's Studio and this work that you've been doing over many years to Work with men at this, maybe I could even say visceral level of being able to talk to men About things that not every man wants to talk about. What led you to that, and what led you into working with men at this level? Sean Harvey [00:03:39]: Well, I, I appreciate the years you've added to the experience. This has really been a 10 year journey. So on my 40th birthday, I was I was As a college professor, I was working on Wall Street. And on my 40th birthday, I gave it all up because I lost my heart and soul in the job, and I resigned. And within 2 weeks, I went to work for a fashion company, Eileen Fisher. And it was there that my whole life turned upside down. It was like it basically Saying yes to that role changed the trajectory of my life and brought me to men's work. So actually working in a women's fashion company brought me to men, which Hey. Sean Harvey [00:04:16]: Hey. I think there were 3 pivotal moments in my experience at Eileen Fisher. 1, I just to get the job, I had gone through an 8 month interview process. And on my 1st day I started the job, my 2 bosses sat me down, and they said they said to me, Sean, we we wanna acknowledge that You have proven yourself in the interview process. We now want you to stop proving yourself and learn how to be who you actually are. When you interviewed with us, you showed us your heart, and you showed us your polish. We hired you for your heart, and we wanna see less of your polish. We don't care about your accomplishments. Sean Harvey [00:04:49]: We wanna see who you are. And so that really, I think, was permission to be able to start going on my own journey. Then they the company sent me to an art for 5 months in Canada To learn how to incorporate the arts in a creative facilitation, and so it's part of my work. And it was the 1st weekend that I was there that I really heard the call to work with men. And and I and I had gone to work for Eileen Fisher to not have to work with men ever again. So knowing that I was being called to work with men. I knew this was above my pay grade, and I knew this was on some sort of spiritual path, and it was more of a calling. And so I just started following the spiritual breadcrumbs. Sean Harvey [00:05:30]: And the third, I became the head of personal transformation and well-being for the company. And I started noticing in the company how men were being transformed by being in an organization, in a company that was 83% women, That was really built on feminine leadership and and the business model was based on feminine energy. And the men would say to me now we would talk about the ways we were changing, It would often start with either my wife said or my girlfriend said that I listen differently. I'm more patient. I stopped needing to do right all the time, and I started to be more curious. I started to express my emotions more freely. And they the men started noticing that they were tapping into their creativity differently, and they were solving problems in new ways. And last, and I think most important, they would tell me they felt more comfortable in their own skin because I think there's a freedom that was allowing men to just kinda come into who they really were. Sean Harvey [00:06:22]: And I said, you know, we need to kinda bottle this and take this out to more men as opposed to the 200 men that work in this company we only accounted for 17% of the organization. And so with that and and there were also a lot of spiritual teachers and guides, and there was A lot of spirituality at work. I knew if we're gonna do real work with men, that's gonna be healing work. It had to be done at the soul level, and that's what led me to seminary. And I went to seminary for the sole purpose of working with men and really creating a men's ministry of sorts, which is essentially what I'm doing. And 2 days after I said my vows, I received the next call, which was to work with police. So I was moving from New York to Asheville, North Carolina, From East Harlem, New York to West Asheville, North Carolina. And it was the chief of police of the Asheville Police Department. Sean Harvey [00:07:09]: There's a video that I received, and then it was Post George Floyd, there was a there was a Black Lives Matter protest. Police were called in. They destroyed a medic tent. They made national news, and this was a Call to reform the department and if if members of the community wanted to be part of police reform efforts. I emailed the next day because in seminar, they say when you hear the call, you say yes no matter what, even if you don't think you're qualified. But because of my credentials and my background, that led to a 1 on 1 with the chief of police. And In our conversation, he asked me 2 things. He had 2 asks. Sean Harvey [00:07:42]: Can I help him deepen the level of compassion for his officers? And can I create conversations between community members and officers that humanize each other for a new relationship going forward? And I said yes It's what I do. And that ask led to a group of us finding each other. And the, you know, members of the FBI, Someone on our team is the former head of the FBI National Academy at Quantico, military officers, culture experts, masculinity folks, And we all came together and formed this national initiative. And as I had started coming into the men's work and started to see that this was My area, you know, working with police, military, defense, and working with really, when I left Asheville moved to DC, and everyone that was reaching out to me, they were they were operating they were working in hypermasculine systems. So police, military, the NFL, all of these places that you could consider male dominated, traditionally masculine or hypermasculine, And really bringing this message of compassion into the fold. And I think at the at the root of of the healing, you call it soul healing, you call it compassionate healing, What is how to help men deepen their level of compassion? Christopher Lewis [00:08:59]: Let's talk about that a little bit because sometimes for men, words can be triggering When you talk about being vulnerable, being compassionate, using some words can throw up roadblocks in front of us As men. And some of that comes from the way that we grew up. Some of it's society. There's lots of different pieces. So Talk to me about in the work that you do, either 1 on 1 or with groups. How do you start to break down those barriers that those words potentially Can build so that you get to the inner core and the inner person underneath. Sean Harvey [00:09:43]: So I would agree that these words can be triggering, and I'm very intentional about the language I use. And because I believe Language can be used to reclaim and reframe. And so if it is trigger triggering or activating, I get curious about what that's about. But at the same time, I I think part of it, For me, that allows me to come into the spaces is is is a combination of energy, the energy I bring in, the invitation I offer, The approach that I take and my story. And I've been able to go to some of the Craziest communities or or or wildest communities where I would not expect to be received, and I'm able to be Dave, I'm able to be heard. In the probably 7 years 7 or 8 years I've been doing this, not 1 person has ever objected to what I'm saying. I've never gotten feed pushback on the message. And I think part of that is my approach. Sean Harvey [00:10:41]: I think part of that is that I speak to the yearning of men that they can't articulate. And I think it's something that men are often craving yearning yearning for. And then when given the right that they can hear, there's a receptivity. I found early on, it's not about the head on collision. It's the drive by. When I've gone to the direct jugular of the issue, That doesn't usually bring bring folks in. But if there's an opening that guys can see themselves in and I think where we are, especially because I I am a I am a queer, progressive New Yorker who works with conservatives and then the right wing echo chamber. And I work with From conservatives to white nationalists and far right extremists on their healing work. Sean Harvey [00:11:26]: And the common thing I hear is that they find me nonthreatening, and they feel safe opening up. So that becomes less about the words I use and more the environment I create For them to be able to feel safe enough to be able to start to explore. And I and I think the other pieces and I I think a lot of a lot of what I've seen And a lot of this type of work is someone showing you the way, which I think can we're like a man to constrict. This is the way to be a man. This is what manhood is. This is the definition of masculinity, and I don't do any of that. I come from a place of I mean, as a professor, I was always using Socratic method. I'm just Always asking the questions. Sean Harvey [00:12:07]: And I believe this is more of an inquiry that for each man to define The definitions for himself based on his own experience, and, also, this is really the work of helping him find his own truth, Not for him to acquiesce to a narrative or a truth that defines sin, where we've had enough folks Giving us in a society, giving us definitions of the should, of how we should be. And I am always saying, let's just break the script and say, alright. So Who are you? And those sorts of things, I think, just create openings for the conversation and also is has to do a lot of bridge building across the conservative and progressive divides. And coming in without an agenda has opened a lot of doors to be able to have those types of conversations. Christopher Lewis [00:12:56]: So one of the things I probably should have asked at the beginning is that you work on healing. Define for me what your definition of healing is and why the men that you're working with or many men may need some healing in their life. Sean Harvey [00:13:14]: When I was writing the book and we were coming up with the title, the book was written out of out of a program at Georgetown. And we talked about this, that For a lot of men, they're hearing the message that they have to change because something's broken. They're broken. Something's broken. And we, you know, we said, no. That's not what it is. Many men are wounded because we're human. The challenge is a lot of us are wounded, but we don't have access to the healing. Sean Harvey [00:13:40]: We don't have access to the ways of connecting, reaching out for self care. When we look at the rates of suicide addiction, violence, Depression, trauma. The numbers for men are are continue to rise and are typically Double or triple more than women. And at the same time, when we start to look at them for police and and military and vets, Those numbers even go higher. And so I think it's that the healing is and what I I define it in the book, healing our our unmet needs, Our limiting beliefs and our shadow. And the traumas we've experienced, the wounds that we faced from early in in our lives as well as Things that happen or the experiences we've had in our lives that we just keep going and and don't deal with it, don't dwell on it, And don't give attention to it and think that everything will be fine. And the reality is it carries with us. So my book really reflects my healing journey, and then I really dissected all the different components from my healing journey That I can be think could be helpful for men could be anything from connecting to nature, finding community with men, Learn relearning how to play to, you know, ex exploring psychedelics, healing the inner child wounds, healing the You know, the list goes on and on of what I incorporate into the book, but it's really just offering a road map of these are different ways you can think about Healing, and you can really be in an inquiry for yourself of what's gonna help you discover your own truth beyond the protective layers that you've created From conditioning and life in general. Christopher Lewis [00:15:20]: I know you work with all types of men. Some are fathers, some are not. For the men that you work with that Our fathers, how do you find that this work helps them to be Either more engaged or more present or more themselves within that family dynamic. Sean Harvey [00:15:40]: I think it's the first thing I said about How what men say how they were transformed Ryan Fisher. They become more patient. They're more patient with their kids. They're more patient with their wives or or partners. They listen differently with with a different level of of understanding. They have an ability to self manage their anger. They're more reflective. And, Ultimately, I believe this work is about deepening your own. Sean Harvey [00:16:03]: When we talk about deepening compassion, what what I'm really talking about 1st, starting with your own self compassion. And, ultimately, what this book is about is helping men learn to love in a new way from and, I just gave a sermon last week. It was called From Love With Conditions to Unconditional Love. And when you can move from an intellectualized version of love with conditions To a visceral experience of unconditional love, that's gonna have a ripple effect in your family and for everyone in your family. Christopher Lewis [00:16:31]: We've been talking about the the book that is out now, Warrior Compassion unleashing the healing power of men. And I know in that book, it is a guided journey. It's It's talking about your own experience, but also the work that you've been doing. As you are putting this book out in the world, I know how much time and effort it takes to write a book. I've I am an author. I know that it is a passion project for many, many hours and many, many weeks and months and sometimes years. So as you put this out into the world, what is your biggest hope in regard to those that are reading this and what you want them to take out of the book. Sean Harvey [00:17:13]: I...
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A Father's Promise: Jonathan Ramirez's Commitment to Breaking the Chains of his Past
01/22/2024
A Father's Promise: Jonathan Ramirez's Commitment to Breaking the Chains of his Past
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast we welcome , a new father, project intern at Icstars in Chicago, and artist. We discussed Jonathan's journey of fatherhood, starting with the emotions and fears that come with being a new dad. Jonathan reflected on the overwhelming love he felt when he first learned he was going to be a father to a daughter. He also shared his concerns about raising his daughter in a world where women can be disrespected and undervalued. His fears included navigating the challenges his daughter might face due to gender bias and helping her through heartbreak. The conversation shifted to Jonathan's vision of introducing his daughter to his culture, family, and values. He emphasized the importance of family and respect and shared his determination to instill these values in his daughter. He recounted his own childhood experiences and how his mother's reliance on family helped them through difficult times. Jonathan also acknowledged the value of respecting and empowering women and wants to teach his daughter that societal norms and gender biases do not define her worth. Jonathan shared some of the unique experiences he had working at a restaurant. Jonathan mentioned how he initiated conversations with patrons who had children, seeking advice on fatherhood. He learned valuable insights, such as the importance of bouncing a crying baby, finding a babysitter, and the significance of balancing work and family life. Jonathan also shared his challenges in balancing his roles as a new father, intern, and restaurant worker. He talked about the struggle of leaving the house to go to work and the strong desire to spend more time with his daughter. Despite the challenges, he developed a routine of bonding with his baby girl after returning home. Jonathan opened up about his past and the anger he once harbored towards his own father. He reflected on his journey to forgiveness and acceptance, realizing that his father was just a human dealing with difficult circumstances. This personal growth has allowed him to become a more positive and loving father to his own daughter. The conversation concluded with the challenging topic of how Jonathan plans to discuss his nine-year prison experience with his daughter in the future. He shared concerns about how to broach the subject and whether to reveal this part of his past. This episode offers you a candid and heartfelt conversation about fatherhood, family, and the challenges and triumphs of raising a daughter in today's world. Jonathan's journey and personal growth provide valuable insights into the complexities and responsibilities of being a father. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Everyone, this is Chris. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be Strong independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have this opportunity every week to be able to talk, to learn, to grow, And to help each other to be better fathers. And I love going on this journey with you because no matter if you have kids that are brand new Or if they're in their teenage years or if they're adults, you're always gonna be a father, and there's always gonna be something that you can learn. Always gonna be something that you can do to be able to stay engaged, stay present, and do all kinds of things to be able to stay in the lives of your kids, And that's what's the most important. I love bringing you different guests, different dads, different people that are walking different paths, But they have things that they can share with you to help you in this journey that you're on. Christopher Lewis [00:01:12]: This week, we've got another great guest with us. Jonathan Ramirez is with us, and Jonathan is a father to a brand new daughter that was born in August of this year. So Brand new dad. He's also a project intern at Icystars in Chicago. He's a freelance Photographer. He's done been doing that a little bit. He's done a lot of different things. We're gonna talk about some experience that he's had working at a restaurant and learning from other dads. Christopher Lewis [00:01:42]: So we're gonna have a great conversation today. Really looking forward to be able to have him here and to share his experience With you, Jonathan Singh. Thanks so much for joining us today. Jonathan Ramirez [00:01:51]: Thank you so much, Chris, for that introduction, and I'm honored to be here. I really, really am. I enjoy Podcast I've watched already. A couple when I heard about it, and I got some great advice through here. Thank you for having me. Christopher Lewis [00:02:04]: Now usually, when I have dads on, they're not always As young of fathers in regards to the fact of having their child just recently but one of the first questions that I love to ask to turn the clock back in time. Now you don't have to turn it back as far probably as some of the some of the dads that I talked to. But let's turn the clock back To that first moment that you found out that you're going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head? Yeah. Jonathan Ramirez [00:02:29]: It's not that far ago. I think I felt the same way When I heard of the heartbeat, like, as soon as they told us the gender, my heart melted. And I was like, I'm stuck. It's over with. I already love Her mom so much, and I do everything, anything I can. I just know that same love was gonna be the same for my daughter. Like, it's gonna be a little mini hurt, And I'm like, I I'm not gonna have time for myself anymore because I I run around now like crazy for Savannah, and now I'm gonna be doing it for Bella Rose for sure. Christopher Lewis [00:03:01]: Now I guess for you so far, as you think about being a father to a daughter, There, I talked to a lot of dads and a lot of dads say that there's some fear that goes along not only with being a new parent, but being a father to a daughter as well. What's your biggest fear In raising a daughter. Jonathan Ramirez [00:03:16]: That's a good question. I've been thinking about that every single day since. There's several fears. Number 1, I've seen so many people just Disrespect women just because they're women. No. Like, just the fact that they're a woman, they all they'll tuck over them or they'll belittle, and In the conversation, I see Savannah when I see my daughter, to be honest. And she is someone that's been spoken over over and over and over. And and her voice Might be small, but she has a lot of value in what she does say because she's incredibly intelligent. Jonathan Ramirez [00:03:49]: She's in College right now, I have to be a psychiatrist, but I see how she's been treated. I've seen how she's been treated by her teachers, her professors, just because she's a female. I've seen how she's been treated by her exes and my own sister as well growing up with her. She's only, like, 2 years younger than me. I mean, I've seen how tough It is for women and the differences for men. And my fear is I don't know how I would explain how to teach her that, how to teach her that, look, What how they see you, how they treat you is not because of the view. It's a social norm that's evolved over time, and I wanna be able to Show her how to overcome that. But not being a female myself, I don't know exactly how she would do that. Jonathan Ramirez [00:04:33]: Like, mine would be theory, not Experience. So I guess that is one of my fears. Another fear is just her coming to me and telling me how heartbroken she is for the 1st time. And I know she's It's only 2 months, but, yeah, I think about it. It's like, man, am I gonna have to go and, like, like, go talk to someone's parents and be like, hey. You check your kid or Something I don't know how far I'm gonna go. I'm gonna be the crazy dad. You know? So I just don't wanna see her with her tears looking at me, looking for A solution, and I don't have one. And I'm afraid that I that when she comes to me for that help, that I'm clueless. I don't wanna be the clueless father. I wanna be like, okay. Let's Let's figure this out together, you know, and let's go find you whatever you need. I think those are probably the fears that I've actually been thinking about. I'm sure there's probably others that I haven't thought about because I'm, you know, a new dad. But for now, these are the things that flag my mind, I guess, every now and then when I think of the future. Christopher Lewis [00:05:33]: One of the things that I would love for you to talk about too is you have a child now, and every person as they enter into fatherhood have To define for yourself what it means to be a father, but then also what it means to be a part of A family, a culture, and being able to inculcate that into your own children and Allow for your children to be able to understand what it means to be a part of the larger family Whether your larger culture. For you, how do you hope to introduce your daughter as she grows older to Your culture, your family, and be able to instill the values that are important to you. Jonathan Ramirez [00:06:20]: So that is one of the main things that I, hold very highly is family, is respect, And, also, I think I was just going to be involved like I usually am because our family is pretty big. And so there's certain parts of our family that have disappeared and fallen off. That's because they just don't feel like they wanna come out to the parties or Not just parties, but get togethers, celebrations, and what have you when the whole family gets together. I did that growing up. Every single Christmas, we went on as as a whole family, like cousins, aunts, uncles. And not only that, When my mom was going through hard times and we couldn't find the rent or we got kicked out of the house or she couldn't get to work because she just got in a car accident. I got in, like, 7 car accidents. Sorry if you're listening to this. Jonathan Ramirez [00:07:12]: But the thing that instilled in us was she was always able to rely on that family. She was always able to call her sister, my aunt or her brother, my uncle, and I seen it with my own eyes how powerful that was. When we didn't have the rent to afford an apartment, I mean, we went to my aunt's house and lived there for a couple months. And that growing up was huge to me. Like, man, this is the power of community. This is the power of family. And I hope I'm not Able to not pay the rent and having to show her that way. But I do wish to show her that family is important by being involved In families that and maybe even helping other family members. Jonathan Ramirez [00:07:55]: Maybe that's the way I can show her. I'm glad you said that because now I have that solution in my head for whenever that does come about. But, another thing is the respect. That is something that a lot of people don't I feel. I don't know. I don't wanna generalize, but I feel like respect has not been a priority A lot of people in recent times around me, around people I talk to. And and that's I wish I could teach her that, but not in a way that I was taught. I guess I would have to ask other fathers because I I don't have the answer how I would do it because I haven't done that experience yet. But the experience that I had, I did not feel like that was the right way to learn respect. And Christopher Lewis [00:08:36]: Do you have any ideas? I know you said you wanna talk to other dads, But you said that there are things that you do not want to pass on. What are some of those things that you don't want to pass on that are, or you're trying to break the cycle In a way Jonathan Ramirez [00:08:49]: I'm gonna give you a little bit of backstory before I answer that question. My mom's a single mom, and I was 4 years old. My brother was 3 years old, And my sister's 1 year old, and my mom is a single mom. And she had to work 2 jobs to afford everything. That was the position I was in when My mom needed help at home. And who is she gonna ask? She's gonna ask her oldest son, and that's me. So I was the one who had to get my brothers and sisters up or sometimes they have to get me up. But most of the time, I was cooking for them, and I was always rushing because my mom was always rushing me, and that's something that stuck with me. Jonathan Ramirez [00:09:25]: I feel like I gained a lot of good things out of that through those experiences. Like, I love being on time. I do not like being late, and it bugs me to the core. I mean, like, team management. I call it team management, but, really, it was just me telling my brothers, god. Let's go. We're going. We're late for school. You know, I'm only a year older than them, And I'm yelling at her, get ready. What are you guys doing? You're gonna get me in trouble with moms. And it has affected me because, like, Savannah is the total opposite. She It's late everywhere she goes, and it bugs me and bugs me to a point where it's not a good thing. It's like, come on, babe. I swear we said we're gonna be there 5 minutes go, and I do not wish to pass that along to my daughter. I don't want that that stress to consume her because she feels that she needs to be on. Savannah is so carefree, and I envy her for that. Jonathan Ramirez [00:10:17]: And I hope our daughter can find a in between, like being on time and respectful, but not stressing overly too much like I do. And the only way I can see that actually Me not actually passing the answer is working on myself. I'm a role model, and I don't wanna be the role model that says and not does. Christopher Lewis [00:10:37]: Appreciate you sharing that. And it's definitely you know, each father, each person that has a child brings their own History, their own baggage, the things that they have to work through, and it's not always easy. And Some people have more than others that you have to be able to work on internally. You have to work with other people on. And as you think about that for yourself, it sounds like you do have some that you're working on and that you're going to continue working on to make sure that That you break that cycle, and and that's a good thing. So I just commend you for doing the work. It's not gonna be easy, But it is a day by day thing that you'll have to work on as you are trying to be that best dad that you wanna be. Jonathan Ramirez [00:11:23]: Thank you so much. Christopher Lewis [00:11:24]: Now I know that You are doing a lot of different things. You are, you know, you're an intern at IC Stars. You are I mentioned you're a photographer, but you also worked a restaurant, I mean, you're you got a lot of plates in the air. You're a dad. You're supporting your your significant other. So talk to me about balance, and how do you balance all of that And still be able to stay engaged with your young daughter. Jonathan Ramirez [00:11:48]: Actually, I have put up the photography hat because I actually do paint and sips. I have my own business, and I am currently trying to only do libraries For free. I wanna turn into a not for profit because libraries were my own my escape as a childhood, and I wanna give back to them. And the way I balance it is so I still work at the restaurant. I work every weekend. So I gotta break down my schedule to Monday through Friday From 8 to 8, I'm a IC stars intern, and I get there an hour early and sometimes more Because I take the bus at 5:30 in the morning. And when I get home, I don't get home till around 9, 9:30 at night. And that's the time as soon as I walk in, I say hi to Savannah, give her a hug, and I let her know that I miss her. Jonathan Ramirez [00:12:42]: Throughout the day, I text her that I love her, and we keep Keep each other updated, but the first thing that I do right after is I hold my baby. And I spend time, 30 minutes to an hour depending on how long I get stuck staring at her because I just love staring at her. I mean, I could get lost just messing with her, just looking at her and Playing with her little hand. She's so tiny, but I know I still have work to do. So I make sure I spend that time So she can see my face. I don't want her, 4 months down the road, be like, who's this guy? I haven't I haven't met this guy yet. So I make sure she sees me every night. I got really great advice I'm a doula. Jonathan Ramirez [00:13:19]: And then she said, when you get home, create that routine with your daughter. And I took that to heart, and I have been trying my very best Every single night I get home to hold my baby right after I give my hug and my kiss to Savannah. Then Saturday, I work a double At Cooper's Hawk, almost every Saturday, and I don't start till 10:30 to 11. So the mornings is my time to be with the baby, and that's when I get to give Savannah a break from Constantly feeding and waking up to put down the baby, that's my time to shine. I I wake up really early every day anyways. So I'll get up early around 5, 6, 7, depending on how I feel. Because Saturday is like the day or depending on if the baby wakes up. But if the baby wakes up that morning, I make sure I'm the one who holds her. I get the baby bottle and I feed her. I let Savannah sleep in basically because she is a notorious person, she before the baby, she would sleep until, like, 3 in the afternoon, and now she can't do it. And I feel so bad. But on those Saturdays, She gets to sleep in, then I go to work. And then when I come back, I do the same thing. I hold my baby right after being with Savannah for a bit. And those Saturday mornings, I also make breakfast because I know Savannah deserves, you know, that treat. Not a treat, but Savannah deserves Me being more involved, and she's doing something incredible for me, and by holding down the house and the things that I can't take care of myself for now. And then Sundays, I try to only take 1 shift at the restaurant, and I try to move it either afternoon or night depending on what we have planned. Like this Sunday, we have a double date with another couple that we had met, and that's another great advice I got from the restaurant. Jonathan Ramirez [00:15:01]: They're like, hey. Remember, you guys are a couple that you need to go on dates and stuff. So since the baby's so young, we met a couple that has also a very young baby. I think their baby is only 7 weeks older than ours. And so we're we're gonna have like a play date for the babies, which they're not really gonna play, but it's more like for us to get together and enjoy some time Together as a group. And and my business, I don't try to over schedule myself because I do have a lot of things on my plate. So for the pan sips, I try to do 1 every 2 to 3 months so I don't overwhelm myself. It's not about the money. Yeah. The money's great, But I need to think about my family. I just I wanna be able to be there and not just support. I wanna actually be there. Christopher Lewis [00:15:45]: So you've been mentioning the restaurant, and I know that that's one of the things that you do as you mentioned, and It takes up quite a bit of time, but as you've been working there,...
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Through the Changing Tides: Paul Glezer's Insight on an Evolving Father-Daughter Relationship
01/15/2024
Through the Changing Tides: Paul Glezer's Insight on an Evolving Father-Daughter Relationship
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast we welcome to the show. The episode focuses on Paul's journey as a father, raising his daughter, and navigating the challenges and joys of fatherhood. Paul Glezer shared his unique journey into fatherhood. He described the moment he found out he was going to be a father and how it made him feel a mix of joy and an out-of-body experience due to the simultaneous passing of one of his musical heroes. Paul also shared his initial reaction to finding out he was going to have a daughter and the overwhelming happiness he felt, envisioning her as "daddy's little girl" and "daddy's little princess." The conversation delved into some common fears of raising daughters. Paul mentioned the fear of not knowing what it's like to be a little girl and dealing with the challenges unique to daughters. He reflected on his experiences of navigating the complexities of fatherhood and appreciated the early development of his daughter's strong personality and ability to engage in conversations and tackle life's questions. As his daughter has grown, Paul shared that they bonded over physical activities. He talks about their shared love for gymnastics and how they trained together using gymnastics rings. He highlights the satisfaction of being able to share those moments and connect on a physical level. The discussion also touched on the peaks and valleys of fatherhood and the challenges Paul faced when his daughter's security and self-esteem were threatened. He emphasizes the importance of guiding and building resilience in children, even when it's emotionally challenging. Regarding the balance between personal and family life, Paul stresses the importance of filling one's own cup and setting personal goals for self-care. By ensuring that they take care of themselves, fathers can be more present for their children and partners. The conversation also explores the "Girl Dad" hashtag and the special bond between fathers and daughters. Paul believes in a unique connection between fathers and daughters, whether it's a perceived phenomenon or reality. He expresses his love and pride in being a girl dad. The episode concludes with a discussion about Paul's initiative, and . He explains how the group focuses on providing advice and support to fathers to help them maintain their physical and mental health, enabling them to be more present for their families. Paul offered advice for dads who are hesitant to change their health and lifestyle habits, emphasizing the importance of starting with easy wins. He encourages them to take small steps and build on their progress over time. The Art of Healthy Dads serves as a valuable resource for fathers looking to improve themselves and their relationships with their families. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Hey, everyone. This is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters, where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. I'm excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, we have an opportunity to be able to connect, to be able to talk, and And be able to walk on this path that we're on together. I've told you in the past, I've got 2 daughters myself. I know you've got daughters if you're here, and Every dad's journey is just a little bit different, and it's important. It's important to be able to connect. It's important to be able to hear these differences and be able to hear the way in which Different dads are fathering because there's no one right way to father. Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]: There's no one right manual for how to be a father, But we can learn from every dad around us, and it may not be easy to go next door and talk to that dad next door And be able to admit when things are aren't going the best, but sometimes you can listen and you can take in some different Thoughts, some different perspectives, and build a toolbox for yourself. And that still doesn't mean that you have to do it alone. It just means that you have an opportunity to be able to learn, to grow, and to be able to help yourself to be able to be that dad that you wanna be. That's what this show is all about. Every week, I love being able to sit down with different people, different dads, different experts that are bringing different types of experiences to the forefront that will help you to be able to be a better father. Christopher Lewis [00:01:52]: We've got another great dad with us today. Paulie Glieser is with us today, and Paulie is a Christopher Lewis [00:01:58]: father of 2. We're gonna be talking about his journey as a father himself. He lives in Melbourne, Australia, and we are I'm really excited to be able to learn from him and his experiences and to welcome him to the show. Paulie, thanks so much for being here today. Paul Glezer [00:02:12]: Thank you so much for having me on the show, Chris. It's an absolute pleasure to be here, and, thanks Making the time in the evening over in Michigan. Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]: Well, I appreciate you giving me some time in the morning where you are that we we found that there's about a 14 hour difference Between where I am and where you are, but I love being able to have dads from all over the world to talk with them Because every dad's journey is a little bit different, and I love starting these conversations with a opportunity to To go back in time, to turn the clock back, we'll say. And I'd like to turn the clock back all the way back To that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter, what was going through your head? Paul Glezer [00:02:53]: Well, firstly, before we delve in, I just wanna Congratulate you and your community on what an incredible document you're preserving for fathers, specifically of of Girls out there and daughters because it's a really special connection between fathers and daughters to be able to grow, develop, and To have, you know, these stories to be able to reference is is really special, so thank you for your contribution. So The moment I found out I was a father was a different time to when I found out I was a a father of a daughter. The moment I found out my wife was pregnant with our child. It was the same day I found out one of my musical heroes passed away. It was a very Weird time that, like, to have that amazing experience of getting that information, I was just overwhelmed with joy. If you were to isolate that and then, there was this kind of, I suppose, out of body experience between this birth and death realm that was going on in my, inner world as well. But then fast forward to the birth of our child Finding out I always said during the gestation period and the the pregnancy, I didn't have a great preference over whether it was a a boy or a girl, Son or daughter. And when we found out that our child was a daughter, we didn't find out previous to the birth. Paul Glezer [00:04:16]: I was just, I don't know. Something within me just was like, I'm so happy. This is a girl. She's gonna be daddy's little girl, daddy's little princess, and I was just overcome with Emotion, overcome, cried for days. Christopher Lewis [00:04:29]: I've talked to a lot of different dads, and dads tell me that not only is there fear in Becoming a father just in general, but there a lot of times for dads with daughters, they say that there's a fear of raising daughters in some ways. What What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? Paul Glezer [00:04:47]: Firstly, I would say my biggest fear of raising children in general has been I've never done this before. And you can't read any manual that is gonna give you a blueprint because you are A complete unique individual, and the fruits of your loin are completely unique individual. So that was, like, completely disarming but liberating In the same way, because I knew that anything I did was gonna be right and wrong depending on how we kind of danced through the sea of life together. And then there was the added complexity of me. I've never been a little girl before, so I don't know what it's like to of the challenges associated with being a little girl, and it's just amazing. You know? I I say at the beginning of her childhood, I always So fatherhood at the beginning is it's there's no doubt. It's it's not easy, but it's simple. You keep your child alive. Paul Glezer [00:05:39]: You sleep when they sleep. You change their nappies. And then once they start to develop these little personalities, all of a sudden, they're Challenging you there, having these opinions on life, and I've got a feeling my daughter had opinions earlier than Some. And it was great to be able to have these conversations with her and to tackle life's bigger questions at an early age. Christopher Lewis [00:06:03]: Now your daughter is 5, and during those years, as you said, your child starts to have their own personality. You start to identify things that make them tick, make them excited, make them happy, make, you know, the things that they enjoy doing. And those may or may not be similar to things that you enjoy doing as well. What would you say is the What are the favorite things that you and your daughter like to share together? Paul Glezer [00:06:30]: I'm a very physical person. I enjoy using my body a lot. And From the moment my daughter was born, she was just glued together really cohesively. She walked early. She ran early. She did sports early. She did everything where she could express herself physically in quite a cohesive manner, and she took that and she ran with it. Pardon the pun. Paul Glezer [00:06:52]: We were able to share That experience of expressing ourselves physically together. I get my gymnastics rings up in the back of our house, And we experience learning different training technique as a father and daughter. We'd experience different gymnastics moves together. Growing up, 80, My daughter was probably more kind of gravitating towards mom for a period of time. I want mom to put me to bed, I feel like I I was sitting on the bench for a little while and just enjoying the supportive role that I had. And this is not a woe is me story. It's just The reality of the way it is and ebbs and flows. And and of late, she's given me the ring in, and she's daddy's little girl of late. Paul Glezer [00:07:34]: And I'm, like, Rolling up my sleeves, and I'm like, okay. This is daddy's time to shine. I want daddy to put me in a bed. And this is gonna come in various different, peaks and troughs and, stages in in life. But right now, I gotta tell you, the connection that I am having with my daughter, Being able to share the small things in life with her has been truly remarkable and also very validating for me because my daughter looks at me and She says, daddy, what do you think? I'm like, yeah. This is nice. Christopher Lewis [00:08:04]: Onto it now because as they get into their teenage years, it might change. You never know. Paul Glezer [00:08:08]: I'm sure. Christopher Lewis [00:08:09]: So as your daughter has has gotten older, as you have already said, there's been peaks and valleys. There's been ups and downs. There's There's different phases, different stages, and with those comes some challenges along the way as well. It's not always going to be easy To be a parent, as we all know, what would you say has been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter? Paul Glezer [00:08:33]: I'll use my, I suppose, my most Recent experiences as guidance. Having any kind of difficulty where my daughter's security as an individual is threatened, and that can be through having being left out of a playing circle between 3 kids for a day. That just goes so deep to my heart, and it Breaks me into a 1000000 different pieces because I'm sitting there thinking, I know what it's like to have experienced something like that in my childhood, feeling unvalidated, Feeling threatened, feeling like you're less than in a social environment. And for your daughter to experience something like that At such a young age, which I'm sure every son and daughter will experience in their life, as the father of a daughter in that protective mechanism that is inbuilt in us, I feel, becomes really, really upgraded and becomes, like, super intent. And then my rational mind comes into play and says, well, this is an exercise of resilience. How is she gonna be able to tackle this? How is she gonna be able to endeavor to be able and our role as parents or my role, I saw as a dad is to be able to guide her, give her examples of how this has affected me in my life in the past, And see how she takes it and runs with it. And it's been incredible to just see how this tiny little baby 5 years ago has developed this, Not just this ability to be able to think independently for yourself, but to be able to look at unique situations And then riff on them and grow before my very eyes. It's remarkable. Christopher Lewis [00:10:08]: I know that you're a busy guy. You know, you are an entrepreneur. Where you are doing a lot of different things and balancing those things, balancing the different hats that you wear As a father, as a husband, all the other hats that you also put on, talk to me about how you balance all of that So that you are present and that you are engaged and able to be there for your daughter. Paul Glezer [00:10:33]: So the one thing I've learned, and I've learned this The difficult way, the uncomfortable way at the beginning of parenthood is I need to be able to fill my own cup up, whatever that looks like, In order to be available for my children, for my partner, for my friends, I need to be able to feel full myself. And feeling full Criteria wise, now can be very different to what it felt like when I was 20 years old. But being conscious of what that looks like, Setting those goals, filling my own cup up, and then knowing that when I'm, coming home from a day at work and I'm with my children and my daughter, I can and this doesn't always happen 100% of the time, but I can put my phone down. I can leave it and just be completely and actually present with my daughter. And I've and I've realized that taking your children on big holidays does not excuse not being present For the small transient moments in their life, I actually feel like those 5 minute bursts of transient Connection consistently put together far more powerful experience for your children than going, I don't know, taking your your children to club med or whatever it might k. Christopher Lewis [00:11:48]: So true. So true. And those little moments add up to big moments, and they and kids reflect back on them. And what I've come to find is you can't get those moments back. And if you are completely checked out, If you're on your phone, if you're not there, if especially when your kids want you to be there, then As they get older and they don't want you to be there, they remember you not being there too. And it's So important to be able to, especially as your kids are young, to invest the time in to build that solid relationship So that as they get older, they know that you're there, that you can always that they can come to you. And as they Stretch their wings and look for more autonomy that they still will come back, and they still want you around Even though they want that autonomy at the same time. Paul Glezer [00:12:49]: I couldn't agree more. Well said. And to me, the the word that comes up when you are discussing something like that is trust. Them trusting you to be attentive, present, and available for them in these times in their life. They may not look or appear to be the most Vulnerable times in a a kid's life that it's like every time you are attentive, it's like a a dollar in the bank, that trust, mechanism that you can flex, that muscle that you can flex between yourself and your daughter. And I think that has a compound interest that you said can probably That probably rates its benefits later on in life as well. Christopher Lewis [00:13:28]: Appreciate you sharing that. Now I've been talking to a lot of dads recently about a hashtag that keeps coming back up. It's been around for many years, and you may see it in your neck of the woods. You may not. But the hashtag girl dad has been around for Quite a few years now. As you hear that, and it may mean something to you, and it may not mean something. But what does that mean to you? What does being a girl dad mean to you? Paul Glezer [00:13:51]: The hashtag Girl tag to me really just it it's hard to explain in words, but to me, there appears to be a very unique and special bond Between a father and his daughter. And, you know, you've got 2 daughters. And I have a daughter and a son, and they're both incredibly special to me. But I can my relationships with both of them are unique, and I definitely see the connection between my daughter and myself. There's something inherent between what a daughter kind of experiences with her father. Whether I perceive it in my own mind Or it's reality. I'm not sure that yeah. I can definitely say that special bond between a daughter and dad. Christopher Lewis [00:14:35]: Well, I appreciate that. Now I mentioned at the beginning that you have been doing some of your own work with other men, with other dads, and you have a group Called the art of healthy dads, and you're working as you said to me prior to us starting to talk, You've been working in kind of physical and mental health spaces and and trying to help dads in other ways. I guess, Talk to me a little bit about this this group that you've started, the Art of Healthy Dads. You know, why did you decide that this was something that you really wanted to to start For yourself, for others, especially as an offshoot to because I know that you also were the founder and owner of Hero Life as well. So talk to me about why you started this group and why was it important for you to start this group? Paul Glezer [00:15:26]: So I I mentioned that when I first Became a father. Well, first, let me rewind a little bit more. A lot of my friends became fathers before I did, and I saw A certain consistency in health decline amongst my friends who became parents, both physically and to a certain extent mentally and emotionally. It was a it's a lot to take on board the transition from not being a parent to being a parent. And I saw that, and I was I thought to myself, From a physical standpoint, I've been a health coach for 20 years, and I thought to myself or at this time, 15. And I thought to myself, there's no way I'm gonna drop the ball on This one. I've got all the knowledge. I've got a lot of experience in training people, All the nuts and bolts associated with nutrition, la la la. Paul Glezer [00:16:16]: Needless to say, I dropped the ball when I became a father. The transition was So far out of left field for me, I really, really struggled with it. And it took me some time for me to pick up the pieces and to understand that This is such a delicate fine balance to being able to give to be able to serve yourself and to be able to give to yourself so you can be available for your...
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Breaking the Silence: Malcolm Newsome's Journey in Addressing Miscarriage and Loss
01/08/2024
Breaking the Silence: Malcolm Newsome's Journey in Addressing Miscarriage and Loss
In this episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we welcome , a children's book author from the Chicago area to the show. We discuss Malcolm's diverse background in software consulting and cybersecurity. They dive into Malcolm's children's book , which is inspired by the loss of two unborn children and reflects his personal journey as a father of five. The conversation explores Malcolm's experiences as a father, especially when it comes to parenting daughters. He shares his initial excitement upon learning he would be a father to a girl and his mental and emotional preparations. They discuss the fears fathers often have when raising daughters and the significance of fostering a unique bond with each child. The episode delves into how Malcolm balances his busy life, including work, writing, and being a father to five children. He emphasizes the intentional decisions he's made to prioritize family time and be present in their lives. Malcolm shares his approach to building unique relationships with his daughters and how he embraces their individuality. He highlights the importance of letting them be themselves and supporting their interests, whether they align with traditional gender norms or not. The conversation takes a heartfelt turn as Malcolm discusses the grief he experienced after the loss of two unborn children and the societal pressures fathers face when dealing with such tragedies. He acknowledges the need for more open conversations about pregnancy loss and offers insights into how he processed his own grief and found support in unexpected places. Malcolm introduces his forthcoming children's book, , which tackles the issue of shattering stereotypes and empowering young girls, especially black girls, to speak their minds confidently. He shares the inspiration behind the book and how he's using it to create a positive legacy for his own daughters and young readers alike. Finally, the episode concludes with a glimpse into the author's personal connection to his books, sharing touching moments when his children experienced and embraced the stories he wrote. Malcolm reflects on the emotional impact of writing these books and how they've strengthened his bond with his family. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Hey, everyone. This is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong independent women. We're excited to have you back again this week. And as always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have a great opportunity every week To be able to talk and walk on this path together of raising daughters. It's not always easy. It's not always going to be that Straight and narrow path, but it's important it's important to have these conversations, to talk, to know that you're not alone, And to know that there are other dads just like you that are struggling through it, that are working through it, that are working to be the best dad that they can be, and that's what this podcast is all about. I love being able to talk with you every week and bring you different guests Bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can help you to be that better dad That you can learn from what they've gone through because every father's journey is just a little bit different, And there's no one right way to father. Christopher Lewis [00:01:24]: So being able to listen to other dads and to connect with other dads is definitely something that All of us need to be able to be the best dad that we want to be. So today, we've got another great dad with us. Malcolm Newsom is with us. And Malcolm's a children's book author from the Chicago area, and he has worked in a lot of different areas. He used to be a vice president of a software consulting firm and now works in cybersecurity. But on top of that, like I said, he's a children's author. We're going to be talking about 1 book that he wrote called Dear Star Baby, and that book is a book that was written After the experience that he had with the loss of 2 unborn children. And we're also going to talk about that. Christopher Lewis [00:02:13]: On top of this, we're going to talk about another book that he has coming out in the near future, and we're going to be learning, of course, more about his own journey as a Father of 5. I'm really excited to have him here. Malcolm, thanks so much for being here today. Malcolm Newsome [00:02:27]: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I really love that intro. So much of what you said is true and resonates with me. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]: Now I know you've got 5 kids, 3 boys, 2 girls. And I'm gonna focus on those girls because, you know, this is the Dads with Daughters podcast. So I want to turn the clock back in time And go to that 1st moment, that first moment when you found out that you're going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Malcolm Newsome [00:02:53]: I actually did not find out Until she was born, and this was very intentional because at the time that she was born, Was just as the gender reveals were gaining popularity, they've been around, but they were really starting to become a much bigger thing where people were doing these much more elaborate gender reveals. And my wife and I made an a very intentional decision in that we did not wanna find out prior to. And This was, I I think, an important decision because as we'll get into, I always saw myself as A dad to girls, and I always wanted a daughter even from my high school days. And so we fast forward. We're in that moment. My wife gives birth, and, you know, it's just it's the it's it's almost those that moment of, like, feeling like Time is slowing down. Everything's in slow motion because I'm waiting for the doctor to say, you have a And it's it's a baby girl. You know, it's one of those that it's it's hard to capture the feeling. Malcolm Newsome [00:04:08]: It's hard to capture the emotion and all of that, But I can see it. You know? I can play it over and over again in my mind, and it's so vivid, but it's also, yes, in slow motion. Christopher Lewis [00:04:18]: Oh, I know that the first 3 kids that you had were boys, and you've now had 2 girls as well. Talk to me about the difference And what you had to do to parent and father and maybe a little bit of a different way for your daughters Dan, you may have had to have done with your sons. Malcolm Newsome [00:04:41]: One of the things that I told myself fairly early on is that I really wanted to kind of avoid the sort of stereotypical or typical mode of raising a girl, like, You know? So I very intentionally would never call her princess, for example. I was not super into, like, Oh, we're gonna do a bunch of girly things. I really did not wanna do that. And To that end, I decided also early on that so when my first son was born, I gave him the nickname mister chairman. And Then my so when my 2nd child was born, I was like, okay. What's what's that nickname gonna be? And so that ended up being mister president. The third one ended up being mister Monarch. And so now we have this this trend of nicknames, and I and I wanted them to have nicknames that were ones that where they could see themselves in positions of leadership and influence and all that. Malcolm Newsome [00:05:45]: And so I I made the decision early that I there like, no. There would be no princess. Like, I'm not using that. And I gave my first daughter The nickname, miss director. And throughout her growing years, I started to realize it doesn't matter what I say because she ends up being girly girl, all about princesses, All about pink and glitter and shiny things and stars, and I'm like, she is who she is, and that was none of my doing because I really tried the hardest I could to to give a different perspective. So, nevertheless, it's fun. In terms of how I parent them differently, I don't know. I it's a hard question to answer From the standpoint of I really have tried my best to mirror what they show me in terms of who they are, even from early ages. Malcolm Newsome [00:06:45]: And so if they're into you know, like I just mentioned with my daughter, if, you know, she's into dolls and stuff like that. So, alright, let's Support that, but she will run outside and play in dirt and play in mud and pick up bugs and all that. And so I'm like, alright. I'm here for that too. Right? And She loves gymnastics and flipping and stuff like that. Alright. I'm here for that. And and so what I try to do is let them be who they are and encourage Who they are to the best of my ability. Christopher Lewis [00:07:16]: Thanks so much for sharing that. You know, one of the things that a lot of dads have daughters tell me is that When they have their daughters, especially if it's a first time dad, but sometimes if it's a first time father of a daughter, that there's some fear, some fear That goes along with raising daughters and stepping into that new role of being a father to a daughter. What would you say has been your biggest fear In raising Malcolm Newsome [00:07:41]: daughters. My biggest fear is knowing that they're growing up in a world in a Society, that is going to devalue them. My biggest fear is evil lurking around the corner. Unfortunately, I rehearse all of the Potential terrible things that happen to women. Everything from cat calls to harassment. And that's not just women, that's girls too. Right? And so that starts at an early age. Those are my biggest fears with regard to raising girls, and so I don't know that that will ever go away, but a lot of the way I parent is to try to plant seeds in them Such that such that they can navigate the cruelties of this world. Christopher Lewis [00:08:25]: Now I mentioned the fact that you're a children's author. You work in cybersecurity. You're a busy guy. You've got A lot of things going on, and you've got 5 kids. You're balancing that. You're you're wearing a lot of different hats. Talk to me about balance And what you had to do to be able to balance all of these things that you do with also being able to be that engaged Father that you want to be. Malcolm Newsome [00:08:50]: Balance is a hard thing for me. I think that ultimately though, usually, the way I answer that question is The way I think about balance is that often means that there's a lot of things I don't do and there's a lot of things that I cannot do, and so I'm I feel like I'm kind of Often or have often, at least in the past, made intentional decisions to preserve family time, to preserve Creative time to preserve reading time, like those sorts of things. And so that means that I don't regularly go out for night Nights on the town just hanging out with buddies. That that means certain things. That means I don't watch a whole lot of TV or spend a whole lot of time on social media So that I can be present, things like that. So these are intentional trade offs that I make. That means I needed to say no to certain opportunities, Again, to preserve family time and preserve the priorities that I have in my life. Christopher Lewis [00:09:45]: Now you mentioned you have 5 kids. I said you have 3 boys and 2 girls. And one of the things that comes to my mind is that every father has to be able to find ways to build those unique relationships with their kids. You've got your 3 boys and 2 girls. Talk to me about what you had to do with your daughters to be able to build those unique relationships With each of them knowing that every child is a little bit different. Malcolm Newsome [00:10:14]: Yeah. That's such a good question. Unfortunately, that my wife Also values that, and we both value this, like, individual connection and individual time With our children, and we and so that is something that we think a lot about. And so what we have done is and we really honestly should do it more than we do, but, Usually, it works out to be a couple times a year. We'll we'll do, like, daddy daughter dates or Mom son dates or whatever or just daddy child date sort of thing where even if it's just going to get like, an intentional going to get ice cream With just one of the kids or something like that that set apart something that we don't normally do to try to have individual alone time with our Kids, and I feel like that's probably been the most helpful thing is because once you sort of get Them away from the normalcy of life, you see different sides of them too. They show up in a different way, and it's it's really kind of fascinating to see. So, yes, we try to do that. Things with my daughters, I've done you know, I mentioned ice cream. Malcolm Newsome [00:11:23]: We've done daddy daughter dances, stuff like that, Pedicure pedicure dates or just going mini golfing, things like that. Just going out to have some fun. Christopher Lewis [00:11:32]: Mentioned at the beginning of the show that you are a children's author. You have a book called Dear Starbaby that you wrote after the loss of 2 unborn children. And I guess first and foremost, What I'd like to do is go back and turn things back just a little bit to have you give me the story. Tell me about the impetus for the book, why you decided you wanted to step into the realm of writing a children's book, But then let's talk about this topic. It's a painful topic. It's a topic that that everybody talks about. Why did you delve into this topic And move into this area to write about this painful topic. Malcolm Newsome [00:12:16]: The moment where I put it together that I feel like I have something to say On this topic was when a fellow publishing colleague posted on Twitter just that She had been struggling with her miscarriage, and it was this sort of, we need to talk about this more, and she was kind of Making a bold stance and sharing about it, and it was that sort of like, yeah, you know, nobody talks about this. And That was true of my own experience where when we suffered our 1st major miscarriage, it was Kind of like all of a sudden, I started to find out, like, oh, this person's experienced that too. Oh, this person. Oh, this person. And then But you don't find out until you're going through it. And hopefully, you've you know? And not everyone finds out like that, but and so it was like, wow. There's this whole mystery To this horror that's happening, estimates of, like, 1 in 4 people. And so I had since our first miscarriage, I had done so much processing and had talked to folks here and there that had also lost babies and struggle to mostly men, and I felt like I had at least in those conversations, I felt like I had a perspective that I wanted to share. Malcolm Newsome [00:13:35]: And where this Also is important as it relates to the daddy-daughter conversations because our first miscarriage was After our 3rd son was born, and the thing that I struggled with the hardest again, going back to the fact that I always wanted A girl. The thing that I struggled with the hardest was, what if that was my daughter? What if that was her and I never get to meet her? And so through that Pain and that grieving process, that processing, I started to realize that for myself, the hardest part of this whole thing was Confronting the fact that I had an expectation of a future reality that now was not going to be that, Now I had to kind of rectify because, at least for me, when I got the news my wife is pregnant, I'm like, okay. It's a done deal. Pregnancy loss was nowhere on my radar, And so so I start organizing my life around these hopes and dreams, this sort of to me, in my mind, it was like an automatic thing. And yeah. So then I had to regroup. And so a lot of that for me is also representative book, the Kind of wondering and wishing the hopes, the dealing with, I wonder what this could have been, but it's not going to be that anymore. That was the hardest thing for me, and that's what I also try to represent in the book, where which I felt like maybe others Would resonate with as well. Christopher Lewis [00:15:03]: No. You're completely right that when you talk about this topic, it's not something that many men talk about. I've heard women talk about it, and it seems like there is community around women that they can find and support for women as they go through That process for themselves, but a lot of men seem to bottle it up. And they don't always Surround themselves with support in that regard. For you personally, as you were going through that for yourself, how did you find support? And how did you find that support and balance that support for yourself while at the same time your wife was dealing with her own loss And you were dealing with that together. So in all of that, you and your wife were grieving. Malcolm Newsome [00:15:50]: I think the reality is I probably would not have done it very well had it not been for a couple of really good folks That I had in my life. And because, let's face it, one of the things about our society is that most of us are taught as men To just like, you gotta move forward. You gotta take care of everything. You gotta make sure the family's good. You gotta make sure there's a sort of sentiment that, at least, I grew up with That that you don't you don't buckle under pressure. You just need to keep going. Right? And I think, at least in my experience personally and my experience talking with other men, is that they've Felt similarly and that it's almost this sort of sentiment that we grew up with that there's no time for grieving. You gotta push through and be the support, And like I said, fortunately, it worked out for me in that the job I had at the time, the woman who was running our HR, I let her know because, you know, I go into work, and I'm like, alright. Malcolm Newsome [00:16:50]: This is what's happening. I need a little bit of time off here, and She recognized correctly, and she asked me if she could connect me with another guy who at the company who had experienced Loss as well. And she got my approval for that. I said, sure. Yeah. I'm happy to check with him and see if he's willing to share all this. And So almost right away, I had another male and somebody that I respected and trusted that I could connect with. He provided resources. Malcolm Newsome [00:17:21]: He he was a sounding board. He was somebody that I could talk to, connect with. And so I felt like I was kinda lucky in that regard Because it's so much the norm that, to your point, men are sort of left out of the equation even today that Men are sort of forgotten about. No one really checks on them, see how you're doing, etcetera, etcetera. But, yes, my experience was kind of, In many ways, the opposite of that, in that I had the I had the good fortune of connecting with this, another man who had dealt with it, and he checked in on me for For some length of time, and that was a beautiful thing. Christopher Lewis [00:17:58]: Now as you and your wife were grieving, you're also a family. And as parents, You're grieving the loss of your child, but you're also parenting your other kids. And they may or may not understand what's going on Depending on how much they knew about the pregnancy upfront....
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Navigating Fatherhood: A Journey of Raising Daughters and Overcoming Mental Health Challenges with Cordan James
01/01/2024
Navigating Fatherhood: A Journey of Raising Daughters and Overcoming Mental Health Challenges with Cordan James
In this episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we welcome , the newly appointed executive director of , a 501(c)(3) organization that is the host of this podcast. Cordan James is a father of three, one of whom is a daughter and he opens up about his journey into fatherhood, sharing his excitement upon learning he would be a father to a girl. He recounts his preparations, both financial and mental, and the steps he took to ensure he was ready to provide and protect for his family, emphasizing the importance of mental health in his journey as a father. Cordan reflects on his past experiences as an army veteran dealing with PTSD and the importance of maintaining his mental well-being as a parent. The conversation also discusses fears that fathers often experience in raising daughters, with Cordan acknowledging the fear of failure and the concern about maintaining a strong bond as his daughter grows older. He highlights the significance of intentional parenting and creating a unique connection with his daughter. Cordan elaborates on the special activities and shared experiences that have strengthened their bond, from touching moments and engaging in activities to volunteering together as a family. The discussion further explores how Cordan balances the demands of work, running his own business, and being the executive director of Fathering Together while prioritizing his family and centering his life around them. Cordan's approach to work and family life allows for effective balance and aligns with the organization's mission. Cordan shares his journey into the Fathering Together communities and the impact they had on his perspective of fatherhood. He attributes his decision to become the executive director to the example set by other fathers and the dedication to fatherhood that he witnessed within the community. He discusses his vision for the organization, emphasizing the importance of equality, breaking the stigma around fatherhood, and supporting fathers in being intentional in their roles. Cordan underlines the significance of fathers knowing they are enough and having a support system to drive positive change in the perception of fatherhood. In conclusion, Christopher acknowledges the ongoing work required to change the perception of fatherhood and praises Cordan for stepping into the role of executive director to lead the organization into its next phase. The episode is a testament to the importance of fathers' roles in parenting and the community's dedication to supporting one another on this shared journey. If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the . The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today! TRANSCRIPT Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]: Welcome to Dads With Daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads, resources, and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, Independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have an opportunity to be able to Talk together, work together to be able to support each other in this journey that we're on in raising daughters. Such an important journey, such an important job that we all have in being fathers of daughters. And I love being able to sit down with you every week, to be able to have these conversations, to be able to work with you and talk to you, to hear from you About the things that you are dealing with, the struggles that you're dealing with, whatever it may be. Every week, I also love being able to bring you different guests. People that are walking this journey alongside you or have resources that'll help you to be an even more engaged dad, A better father in the end. Christopher Lewis [00:01:16]: And this week, we've got another great guest with us. Corden James is with us today. And Corden is the brand new executive director of Fathering Together. We've been talking about Fathering Together for years, And Fathering Together is the five zero one c three organization that this podcast is a part of. And Corden joined our organization, Okay. Actually, quite a while ago, but joined us as the executive director just recently. And we're gonna get to know him a little bit more. But first and foremost, We've got to get to know him more as a father first, Cordan, thanks so much for being here today. Cordan James [00:01:52]: Absolutely. Honored to be here, Chris. Christopher Lewis [00:01:54]: It is my pleasure having you here today. I love being able to talk to different dads about the experiences that they've had. You got 3 kids, one of which is a daughter. I wanna go back in time. I wanna turn that clock all the way back to that 1st moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head? Cordan James [00:02:10]: I was excited. I've always wanted to have my daughter. Just as soon as I found out, I, you know, I started the books and finding out all I could about raising a girl. First of all, just having a baby, period, and what my goals and responsibilities are. And then, you know, from that kind of plan in my legacy as far as being a father to her, getting myself set up and financially stable and my mental health in the right place. And yeah. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]: When you said that you needed to get your mental health in the right place, talk to me about that. What did that what does that mean to you, and what did you have to do to prepare yourself? Cordan James [00:02:40]: Well, Chris, I am an army veteran. I, you know, spent 5 years active duty army. So when I speak of mental health was really making sure that I had my anxiety in check, my PTSD that I experienced at war and just from life, being able to just find my calmness, find my spirituality, And, you know, I think most of all, just being able to to be present for fatherhood. You know? There's no there's no workbook when it comes to raising children, Raising a daughter. I'm used to raising boys, and I think that's a it's a different approach raising a daughter. Christopher Lewis [00:03:14]: As a veteran, as someone that has dealt with PTSD. There are other dads that are dealing with that as well, and some may have Dealt with it and and really worked through it. Others may have set it to the side and are still working through it themselves. Talk to me about the journey that you had to go on and what you had to do to prepare yourself and get through, Like you said, in getting yourself mentally ready, but to work through that PTSD that that you Have in your life. And I say have, because I know that it's a constant journey. But talk to me about what you had, what you have to do on a daily basis, On a regular basis, what you had to do prior to your daughter being born to be able to work through that PTSD. Cordan James [00:04:03]: Absolutely. I think coming home from Iraq, it started off with Therapy. Being able to meet with my VA therapist on a regular basis, setting that up. I would say another important thing for me was, fitness, Being able to to check my health, being on a regular workout schedule, and, you know, some of the other things like doing things for myself. I think after serving in the military, you know, there's 1% of us Serve in the military, so it's not like I'm able to walk around every day with people that who share the same experiences as I do. So that, you know, that vetting myself, Finding security within my own self, getting on a great schedule that took care of me first before I'm able to pour out for my children and my my partner at her mother, you know, that it took reading some books on how to how to speak to children, you know, on how to to get to their level, to bring a level of understanding. The normal development of a child was important for me to understand. Right? Having anxiety and PTSD. Cordan James [00:04:57]: Sometimes, you know, screaming from a child can be very triggering. When you're not able to control the situation, you're not able to calm my child down. Those are things that I faced as a father. Christopher Lewis [00:05:07]: So in having this in your life And having this as something that you're constantly working on. How do you talk to your kids about PTSD And what you're dealing with, because mental health is not easy to talk to anyone about, but let alone when you live with individuals or have people in their life and they don't understand what's going on. So how do you or how have you Been able to talk to your kids about this so that they understand it and that they understand what you're going through. Cordan James [00:05:38]: I think probably the one of the most pivotal times for me was In waking up with my child, kinda had a rough start to to the day, and I was having a very rough time commuting with her. And I had just looked looked in the very back of the seat, and I told her, hey. Hey, baby. Daddy's gotta process something, and it's gonna it's gonna look differently than what you're used to seeing, but I feel like I'm gonna cry. And at that time, I had I had found out about Emotional freedom techniques or tapping. And so I had let her know that if daddy's gonna process something, that I'm okay, but I'm gonna tap and let these emotions out. And I went through that. She asked if I was okay. Cordan James [00:06:12]: I ended I did end up breaking down, having some tears and some some calming affirmations to reassure myself that I was in a safe place And that I was okay. And I think the you know, we talk about modeling as a parent, modeling the behavior of processing my emotion. Right? I set aside time to process it. I did my tapping, which is my self care, right, caring for myself. You know? And I think where most paid off was a few weeks later, I remember hearing her get frustrated, and, I looked over at her, and she actually began to do the exact same tapping that I was doing. And so I think, you know, she's 9 now. I wouldn't say that she necessarily understands PTSD, but she does understand that when there is an emotion, that you process That you feel it so you can heal it. And I think that's been the most powerful thing between us. Cordan James [00:06:57]: It's improved our communication styles. It's improved my ability to say that I'm Sorry for overreacting or or projecting something that I may be feeling onto her. So it's made for a great communication the older that she gets. Christopher Lewis [00:07:10]: Talk to a lot of dads about having daughters, and one of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is that there are fears When it comes to not only fatherhood, but especially fears when it comes to raising a daughter. Now you said earlier that You knew how to raise a son, but that you needed to learn about how to raise a daughter. So as you think about Fear. Can you think about raising your daughter? What was the biggest fear or is the biggest fear that you have in raising your daughter? You know, Cordan James [00:07:39]: I think in all the conversations with other fathers, I think I would have to Echo the fear of failure. I remember some work that we did together a couple years ago, Chris. We asked, what would you not want your children to say about you or about your parenting? Right? And I think being able to be there so, you know, I would never want my children to say that I wasn't there, that I wasn't present, that I constantly use these opportunities to teach Instead of to get to know them, the fear of failure with her, I think, comes from I think everybody loves to tell me that As your daughter grows older, that she's gonna fall away from you, that there's going to be this huge disruption in life and she's not gonna like you. And I think as a young father, that was very daunting That this relationship could dwindle as she gets older. I think it really put it in the perspective of the work that I'm doing with her today, and I call it work because it's very intentional with her. From the way that I speak to her to the way that I stand around her when she was smaller. She's kinda tall now. She's 9 and she's 5 foot. Cordan James [00:08:36]: So she comes to the bottom of my chin. But as she was younger, you know, it it took me getting down to a knee. They say, you know, getting down to their level as you are the Parent, get down to their level, and they might hear you a little bit differently and better and and receive what you're saying more. Little things like that helped me soften my approach with her gave me I you know, it allowed room for more play, more discussion, for more ways to connect, whether it was painting nails together or Playing in the park or our favorite thing to do is literally walking on curbing, walking on the sidewalk and the very you know, the little curves. I don't know why, but we've just always had this little special moment. We can do that for hours and just laugh and, you know, just connect with each other. Christopher Lewis [00:09:16]: Now you have 3 kids. Each one of them is completely unique. They are different points in their lives, and you have to do what you can do to be able to develop those unique relationships With your kids, what do you do to be able to create that unique bond with your daughter? Cordan James [00:09:32]: I think that's a great question. If I had to look on a day to day, I say, Especially now, it's a habit of finding a way to connect with her no matter what. And whether it's when I pick her up from boys you know, if we start in the morning, I take her to boys and girls club. As soon as we wake up, it's very intentional with Hey, baby. How did you sleep? We get our cuddles in. We're very big cuddlers. So, you know, that's something that's part of our security is is Touching and hugging and kissing and yelling I love yous and the music choices, having little dance parties. Those are constants in our home. Cordan James [00:10:02]: That is just part of our Family culture now. So when I say connecting, especially as she gets older nowadays at 9, it's I hosted a sleepover last week. She had her best friend over and, you know, I had a girl's night with them, and then we had a great morning the next day. Their friend left, but Just providing creating new spaces for her to grow. It might be asking something very specific about her day. Definitely don't allow for just the, how was your day? Oh, it was good. Well, I wanna know a little bit more, so I'm gonna ask some questions that are open ended and and joke with her and and find some commonality. I think, at this point. Cordan James [00:10:38]: I appreciate the ways that we connect, and I appreciate the way that it comes back as well. She's definitely a little mama. She'll if dad's sick, she'll look after me. If sometimes she wants to Feed dad while we're eating dinner. She wants to feed me fries or something along those lines. So just those beautiful ways that I would never expect her to do those things for me, but she has it in her heart and in her soul. Other things we've done to connect is, like, community service. A few years ago, we faced a divorce Together and the separation of that in different homes and coparenting schedules, and I found that volunteering together was our biggest Connection. Cordan James [00:11:15]: I didn't have the money in the world to be able to take her to to do everything, but we would go to churches and volunteer our time, setting up pantries, Feeding the homeless, litter pickups. She got very involved in my own work as a mover or even as a mentor. She's been present for all my mentorships And business meetings and and thrills so forth. Christopher Lewis [00:11:38]: Sounds like special bonds and special times and definitely an opportunity to be able to make those connections and memories that will last for a lifetime, which is always exciting and important. You're really busy. You're a busy guy. You have got a lot of things going on. You You're running a business. You're now the executive director of Fathering Together. So there's a lot of things that you're gonna have to balance, a lot of hats that you have to wear. How do you balance work and raising your kids? Cordan James [00:12:04]: It's interesting because if we look at the history of Korten James and fathering together, So about 2019 is when I processed my divorce, and 2019 is when I also found Dads With Daughters. So it has very much led me to be this executive director. And I say that from the sense that since I joined fathering together, I've centered family first. My life today as a entrepreneur and now as the executive director of of Fathering Together, my family is still the center, more so today than it ever has been. I worked more corporate America, and it never fared well. I was always the father that would be present for my daughter didn't go to dentist without me. She didn't go to doctor's It's without me being able to pick up from school or if there's a sick day, I'm present for it. I would say so Over the few years, it's been a I've been able to center around my kids. Cordan James [00:12:56]: As a as a entrepreneur now owning my own business, I can take the day off. We can take a mental health day today. She's 9 now, so she can come to work with me. I have plenty of opportunities where she comes to work with me on a Saturday for a couple of hours and move some boxes my customers and tells my employees that she's the boss of them because her dad's the boss. So just, again, centering family first has has always been the priority, and finally being able to make that come true amongst the fears of not being able to. As a father, again, somebody who has to provide and protect, You can't just drop the job. You can't take large risks that may cost you your time with your children. So it's definitely paid off over these last few years. Cordan James [00:13:38]: Now it's I'm I'm home when I want to be with enough time for her and I. My evenings are set aside and I, and, it couldn't be a better feeling. Christopher Lewis [00:13:48]: You started getting into your journey with dads with daughters, dads with sons, fathering together. Talk to me let's go back to 2019. What was going on that led you to the communities? What how did you find out about the communities, and how did you get involved first as you were joining our communities? Cordan James [00:14:10]: Honestly, I think I might have connected with Brian somehow on Facebook. I don't know if we actually talked to each other or if I found Dads With Daughters first. I'm pretty sure he invited me into Dads With Daughters. And from there, we became friends and talked more, and I finally was able to meet you. And, You know, I think it was just when I look at Dads With Daughters, the Facebook group, I don't even know how many thousands of people were in that. So it was very it was very grassroots. There was new projects. I think we were starting off with Dove Men's Care. Cordan James [00:14:41]: I always recall the self esteem project that we did with them, which was kinda like my 1st intentional thing with my child. I think we talked a lot about fathers knowing their legacy as far as careers, But what is your legacy as a father? So I think it was all those conversations that brought me to a deeper understanding of who I really want to be as a dad. Not just My child's here, and...
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