How Leaders Can Strengthen Relationships With Their Team (Part One)

Most leaders genuinely want a strong relationship with their team, yet day-to-day reality can be messy—especially when performance feels uneven. The trap is thinking “they should change.” The breakthrough is realising: you can’t change others, but you can change how you think, communicate, and lead. 

Why do leaders get annoyed with the “80%” of the team (and what should they do instead)?

Because the Pareto Principle (80/20 rule) makes it feel like you’re paying for effort you’re not getting—but the fix is to lead the whole system, not just the stars. In most teams, a smaller group carries a disproportionate chunk of the output, and that can irritate any manager trying to hit targets, KPIs, OKRs, or quarterly numbers. 

 But treating the “80%” as a problem creates a self-fulfilling spiral: you spend less time with them, they feel it, motivation drops, and performance follows. 

In Japan-based teams (and in global teams post-pandemic, with hybrid work and remote collaboration), this spiral gets worse because “relationship temperature” matters. Instead, think like an orchestra conductor: the first violin matters, but the whole section must play in harmony. 

Do now: Stop “ranking people in your head” mid-week. Start “designing the system” that helps every player contribute. 

Can you actually change your team members’ performance or attitude?

Not directly—you can’t rewire other adults, but you can change the environment you create and the way you show up. The leader move is internal first: adjust your assumptions, your language, your coaching cadence, and your consistency. 

 In practice, this means you stop waiting for people to become “more like you” and start shaping the conditions where they can succeed.

A simple mental shift is accepting that high performers and average performers will always co-exist in any team—Japan, the US, Europe, APAC; startups, SMEs, or multinationals. When you accept the 20/80 reality, you can focus on (1) lifting the 20% even higher and (2) getting strong coordination and reliable contribution from everyone else. 

Do now: Identify one attitude you bring to the “middle 60%” that’s costing you results—and change that, first. 

How do you stop criticism from destroying motivation and trust?

By eliminating the “criticise, condemn, complain” reflex and replacing it with coaching language that preserves dignity. Dale Carnegie’s human relations principle is blunt for a reason: criticism rarely produces agreement; it produces defence. 

 And when people feel attacked, they don’t improve—they protect themselves, they withdraw, and they tell themselves a story about you.

This is especially relevant in Japan, where public correction can trigger loss of face, and in Western contexts where blunt feedback can still backfire if it feels personal rather than behavioural. The point isn’t to become “soft.” It’s to become effective: if the same negative approach keeps producing the same negative reaction, adjust the angle—just a few degrees—so the other person can respond positively. 

Do now: Before your next correction, rewrite it as: “Here’s what I observed, here’s the impact, here’s what good looks like next time.” 

What does “honest, sincere appreciation” look like in a Japanese workplace?

It’s specific, evidence-based praise—not vague compliments, not flattery, and not silence. Leaders often skip appreciation because they assume “they’re paid to do it,” then wonder why cooperation is hard. 

 Yet people are highly sensitive to fake praise, and they’ll dismiss it as manipulation. 

 The fix is to praise something concrete and provable.

A practical Japan example is exactly the point: “Suzuki-san, I appreciated the fact you got back to me on time with the information I requested—it helped me meet the deadline. Thank you for your cooperation.” 

 The evidence makes it believable, the detail makes it useful, and the respect makes it repeatable.

Do now: Give one piece of appreciation today that includes what, when, and why it mattered—in one sentence. 

 

How do you motivate people who don’t seem to care as much as you do?

You motivate them by speaking to what they want—because everyone is already focused on their own priorities. If you need cooperation, it’s not enough to repeat what you want and when you want it. 

 Your team member is running their own internal agenda: career security, competence, recognition, flexibility, learning, status, autonomy, or simply a calmer workday.

This is where “arouse in the other person an eager want” becomes a leadership skill, not a slogan. 

 In a Japanese firm, the eager want might be stability and not standing out negatively. In a US startup, it might be speed, ownership, and visibility. Same principle, different cultural packaging. Listen to what comes out of your mouth—if it’s all about you, you’re making cooperation harder. 

Do now: In your next request, add one line: “What would make this easier or more valuable for you?” 

What should leaders do this week to strengthen team relationships—fast?

Start by changing yourself “three degrees,” then run a simple weekly rhythm that rebuilds trust, clarity, and contribution. If you keep approaching lower performers negatively, you’ll keep getting the same negative reaction; change your approach first. 

 Then operationalise it—because intention without behaviour is just theatre.

Here’s a tight relationship-strengthening checklist you can run in any context (Japan HQ, regional APAC office, or global remote team):

Weekly habit	What you do	Why it works
2x short 1:1s	Ask: “What’s blocking you?”	Shows support, surfaces friction
1 evidence-based praise	Specific + concrete	Builds motivation without fluff  2021.10.11 GEO Version How Lead…
1 “eager want” question	“What do you want from this?”	Aligns incentives  2021.10.11 GEO Version How Lead…
1 criticism detox	Remove complain/condemn	Prevents defensive behaviour  2021.10.11 GEO Version How Lead…

Do now: Pick one person you’ve mentally labelled “difficult” and change your next interaction by three degrees—more curiosity, more respect, more clarity. 

Conclusion

If you want stronger relationships, stop waiting for people to become easier to lead. You’ll get better results by starting with what you control: your mindset, your communication habits, and your consistency. The leaders who do that build better teams; the leaders who don’t keep complaining—and they’re never short of company. 

Next steps (quick actions)

• Replace one critical comment with one coaching request this week. 
• Deliver one evidence-based appreciation per day for five days. 
• In every request, add one line that links to what the other person wants. 
• Track who you spend time with—ensure the “80%” aren’t getting frozen out. 

FAQs

Yes—high performers still need active leadership, not neglect. Keep lifting the 20% higher while systemising support for everyone else. 

No—praise isn’t “un-Japanese” if it’s precise and evidence-based. Specific appreciation is usually accepted because it’s verifiable and respectful. 

Yes—criticism can be useful, but condemn-and-complain feedback usually backfires. People defend themselves; improvement requires clarity without attack. 

Author Credentials

Dr. Greg Story, Ph.D. in Japanese Decision-Making, is President of Dale Carnegie Tokyo Training and Adjunct Professor at Griffith University. He is a two-time winner of the Dale Carnegie “One Carnegie Award” (2018, 2021) and recipient of the Griffith University Business School Outstanding Alumnus Award (2012). As a Dale Carnegie Master Trainer, Greg is certified to deliver globally across all leadership, communication, sales, and presentation programs, including Leadership Training for Results.
He has written several books, including three best-sellers — Japan Business Mastery, Japan Sales Mastery, and Japan Presentations Mastery — along with Japan Leadership Mastery and How to Stop Wasting Money on Training. His works have been translated into Japanese, including Za Eigyō (ザ営業), Purezen no Tatsujin (プレゼンの達人), Torēningu de Okane o Muda ni Suru no wa Yamemashō (トレーニングでお金を無駄にするのはやめましょう), and Gendaiban “Hito o Ugokasu” Rīdā (現代版「人を動かす」リーダー). 

Greg also publishes daily business insights on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter, and hosts six weekly podcasts. On YouTube, he produces The Cutting Edge Japan Business Show, Japan Business Mastery, and Japan’s Top Business Interviews, which are widely followed by executives seeking success strategies in Japan.