03: How to be Kinder (not Nicer), with Dr. Kelli Harding

This is Sara, and I remember the time 20 years ago when I got schooled by a psychoanalyst.  It must have been the fall, because I was supremely agitated that I was having to write, design, and send holiday cards out to a huge list of people all by myself, without the help of my fiancé.  If you know me, you know that cards were a staple of my winter growing up, with cards from my parents’ friends stapled onto long felt ribbons hanging down each doorway, surrounding us with love and smiling faces for weeks on end.  The therapist asked if I could just not do them, if it was annoying me so much, and my instant fury was revealed: Are you kidding? I have to send these cards out, it’s the nice thing to do!!  Cut to the point, and it’s this - nice according to who?  Nice for whom?  Certainly not nice for me if I were going to be resentful and pissy about it.  I came to terms with the fact that I actually just really enjoyed writing and sending cards out to people who warmed my heart that year, and that my partner wasn’t a nice person for not agreeing to send these cards out with me.

 

But it leads us to ask this.  What do we mean by niceness - and what, more importantly, is its not-as-related-as-it-seems and so much more important character trait of kindness?  How can understanding this difference and leaning into kindness help us be better people?

 

What to listen for:

• How a medically trained doctor got into a “touchy-feely” thing like kindness

• The shockingly tremendous impact that kindness has on our individual health and our societal wellbeing

• What’s the difference between niceness vs kindness? 

• Ways to begin practicing more kindness

About our guest:

 

Kelli Harding, MD, MPH, is dedicated to creating a kinder and healthier world for all. An expert in mental health, medicine, and public health, she teaches at Columbia University’s Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons (VP&S) in New York City and is a diplomate of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, also boarded in the sub-specialty of consultation-liaison psychiatry or psychosomatic (mind-body) medicine. Known for making complex scientific research understandable to general audiences, she’s the author of the critically acclaimed book The Rabbit Effect: Live Longer, Happier, and Healthier with the Groundbreaking Science of Kindness. Dr. Harding has appeared on Today, Good Morning America, BBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Prevention, LA Times, Oprah Magazine, Parents, Medscape, Sesame Street Workshop, and The World Economic Forum. Additionally, she has spoken at global events at the United Nations and World Happiness Summits and served on the Boards of Organizations such as the Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) and social media platform Nextdoor. Dr. Harding lives in New York City with her husband and three sons—an eleventh-grader, a ninth-grader, and a sixth-grader, and beloved rescue pup, Athena.

Her next book, Different, co-authored with Sara Blanchard, will be out in Fall 2026.

Website kellihardingmd.com

LinkedIn Kelli Harding MD MPH

Instagram @kellihardingmd