458: How to Have Hard Conversations

Colette Jane Fehr a marriage counselor, EMDR therapist, and author of "The Cost of Quiet." With over two decades of experience helping individuals and couples navigate relationship challenges, Colette specializes in teaching people how to communicate vulnerably and assertively in their most important relationships. 

Episode Overview 

In this powerful conversation, Dr. Debi Silber sits down with therapist and author Colette Fehr to explore why speaking up in relationships is essential for healing, growth, and genuine connection—especially after betrayal. Colette shares her personal journey from childhood trauma to relationship betrayal, and how these experiences shaped her understanding of healthy communication and the devastating cost of staying quiet. 

Key Topics Discussed 

The Origins of Conflict Avoidance 

• How childhood experiences with parental conflict shape our relationship patterns 

• The difference between destructive conflict (screaming, fighting) and constructive conflict (honest, vulnerable communication) 

• Why some people mistake silence and "keeping the peace" for relationship health 

• The concept of parentification and how it impacts adult relationships 

Understanding "The Cost of Quiet" 

• Quiet as a euphemism for conflict avoidance 

• Different forms of conflict avoidance that people don't recognize: 

• Self-silencing and sweeping things under the rug 

• Criticism disguised as "expressing feelings" 

• Bickering about surface issues instead of deeper needs 

• Why avoiding vulnerability doesn't actually protect you from pain 

The Four Bad Communication Report Card Responses (The Four D's and an F) 

1. Dismissiveness - "It's no big deal, why are you so upset?" 

2. Defensiveness - Getting reactive instead of receptive 

3. Distancing - Shutting down, stonewalling, pulling away 

4. Fixing - Problem-solving instead of listening and connecting 

Vulnerability as Strength 

• Why vulnerability is actually the strongest choice you can make 

• How to build the courage to be vulnerable after betrayal 

• Connecting with your inner child before difficult conversations 

• The only way through fear is action—building the vulnerability muscle 

Self-Connected Communication 

• The importance of I-statements over you-statements 

• Connecting to deeper emotional needs beyond surface complaints 

• Speaking from your "core sage self" (wise, loving adult) rather than reactive parts 

• The distinction between being nice (self-abandoning) and being kind (self-honoring) 

When to Speak Up 

• Why waiting longer than 24 hours allows resentment to grow 

• Common excuses that keep us from addressing issues (wrong time, they're tired, etc.) 

• Most conversations don't need to be long—short, clear, vulnerable statements work best 

• You can't control your partner's response, but you can control showing up for yourself 

Building the Assertiveness Muscle 

• Why successful women often struggle with assertiveness in intimate relationships 

• Starting small with low-stakes vulnerable moments 

• The confidence boost that comes from speaking your truth 

• How assertiveness differs from aggressiveness 

The Meta-Conversation Strategy When your partner repeatedly responds poorly to vulnerability: "I notice that I try to bring up things and share my feelings. I'm taking great effort to say things in a way that's tactful and diplomatic, but honest, and it seems like when I do, I get a defensive or dismissive response. I don't really know where to go from here. Have you noticed that? What's going on with you? Are you willing to work on this with me?" 

Signs It's Working 

• Reduction in fear when bringing up difficult topics 

• Growing confidence in expressing yourself 

• Your partner responding with openness rather than defensiveness 

• Feeling closer and more connected after vulnerable conversations 

• Even if they don't respond well—you're getting information faster and can make empowered choices 

After Betrayal: Special Considerations 

• Why vulnerability feels especially terrifying after intimate partner betrayal 

• The connection to Stage 3 of the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (doing the same thing expecting different results) 

• How moving into Stages 4 and 5 requires having uncomfortable conversations 

• Being vulnerable doesn't guarantee you won't get hurt, but not being vulnerable guarantees disconnection 

• Vulnerability helps you discover more quickly what a relationship will or won't give you 

Powerful Quotes from the Episode 

"Being in a relationship is inherently unsafe. It is a risk. But if you're willing to be vulnerable, you're going to find out more quickly what a relationship will and will not give you, and you can make choices that empower and serve your needs." 

"It's actually not about the coffee cup. It's about the fact that lately I feel like I'm communicating with you and you're not hearing me, and that makes me feel inside—my vulnerable part feels like I'm not important to you." 

"You've got to speak up no matter what. I don't care how you were raised, what part of the country, what your personality was, who your partner is. This is something you do for you." 

"Vulnerability is strength, but it is very, very scary. We could be rejected or abandoned. But the only way through fear is by doing—action in the face of fear is what develops the muscle." 

"If your partner is repeatedly not listening, being dismissive, being defensive, then maybe that tells you something about, 'Do I want to invest in this relationship?' But if you're not being vulnerable and clear, then you're contributing to what's not working." 

"The point of feelings, the point of emotion, is that they're information processing signals that point us to our needs." 

"If you're going to bother to try to improve this relationship, we can't have anything better based on just fear of even speaking up." 

Colette's Personal Journey 

Childhood Experience: 

• Idyllic childhood until age 10 when parents' marriage began deteriorating 

• Parents (lawyer mother, doctor father) engaged in epic daily fighting 

• Dealt with parental infidelity and eventual divorce 

• Became parentified—taking on emotional mediator role inappropriate for her age 

• Made meaning that she had to rely on herself because adults couldn't care for her properly 

• Rebelled against Catholic school environment as a way of coping 

First Marriage: 

• Married someone from a conflict-avoidant Southern family 

• Partner was emotionally unavailable and disconnected 

• When she tried to express feelings, received dismissive, defensive, or distancing responses 

• Learned to silence herself to "keep the peace" 

• Marriage failed after having children, leading her to return to graduate school 

Path to Her Work: 

• Bad experience in marriage counseling inspired her to become a marriage counselor 

• Spent 11 years between marriages dating and experiencing significant betrayals 

• Been cheated on by two partners in ways that "gutted" her 

• Now in second marriage of 9 years (together 12 years) 

• Uses EMDR therapy in her practice 

• Wrote "The Cost of Quiet" to provide a preventative roadmap for others 

Practical Takeaways 

1. Connect with your inner child before vulnerable conversations - Acknowledge the fear, reassure yourself you've got your own back no matter the outcome 

2. Use the template for vulnerable communication: 

• Start small with low-stakes topics 

• Use I-statements, not you-statements 

• Speak to deeper needs, not just surface complaints 

• Be specific about what you need 

3. Address issues within 24 hours - Don't let resentment build by waiting for the "perfect time" 

4. Watch for your own conflict avoidance patterns: 

• Are you criticizing instead of being vulnerable? 

• Are you bickering about surface issues? 

• Are you staying silent to keep the peace? 

5. Remember: Vulnerability invites vulnerability - When you show up authentically, you often get authenticity back 

6. Let go of trying to control your partner's response - You can't manage how they'll react, but you can show up for yourself 

7. Apply this skill everywhere - Practice assertive, vulnerable communication in all relationships, not just romantic ones 

Resources 

Connect with Colette Fehr: 

• Website: ColetteFehr.com  

• Instagram: @ColetteJaneFehr 

• TikTok: @ColetteJaneFehr 

• Book: "The Cost of Quiet" (available on her website and wherever books are sold) 

• Podcasts: 

• "Insights from the Couch" (for women at midlife) 

• "Love Thy Neighbor" (all about relationships) 

For Post Betrayal Syndrome® Recovery: 

• Learn more about the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough™ 

• Visit The PBT Institute for resources on healing from betrayal and becoming a Certified PBT Coach or Practitioner 

Episode Themes 

#Communication #VulnerabilityIsStrength #BetrayalRecovery #HealthyRelationships #ConflictResolution #EmotionalIntelligence #Assertiveness #InnerChildWork #RelationshipHealing #SelfAdvocacy #TheCostOfQuiet