326: When People Pleasers Aren't Pleased

In this episode, Heather answers a heartfelt question from a listener named Z about people-pleasing Heather breaks down the root of resentment that often comes from saying “yes” too often — and receiving “no” in return. Through relatable stories and actionable guidance, she empowers listeners to advocate for themselves with confidence and grace.

 

In this empowering episode, you’ll learn:

• The Resentment Cycle of People Pleasers - Z’s question echoes a common struggle: always saying yes, only to feel hurt when others don’t return the favor. Heather explores how this dynamic creates resentment and disconnection — both at home and at work.

• False Consensus and Miscommunication - Heather explains the false consensus effect — the mistaken belief that others see and value things the same way we do. She emphasizes the importance of communicating needs clearly instead of assuming others "just know."

• From Silent Hints to Clear Requests
  Through the story of a high-powered client and her husband, Heather illustrates the danger of hinting instead of asking. Saying “I’d love to go to this concert” is not the same as saying, “Will you come with me?”

• A Better Follow-Up Question - Heather suggests asking, “What would have to change for you to say yes?” as a non-confrontational way to open conversation, gain insight, and gauge someone’s willingness.

• Understanding the Law of Reciprocity - Referencing Robert Cialdini’s “Influence,” Heather unpacks the psychological principle of reciprocity — and how gently reminding someone of past support (without guilt-tripping) can increase the chances of a return favor.

• Power Dynamics and Reciprocity - People in positions of power often feel less pressure to reciprocate. Heather highlights this dynamic and how it explains why some people — especially at work — may not return favors.

• Saying No as a Spiritual Lesson - In one of the episode’s most powerful insights, Heather reframes the struggle as part of your Divine Curriculum. Quoting Marianne Williamson, she suggests that learning to say no is not just practical — it’s part of your personal growth and purpose.

• Recap and Encouragement - Heather closes with a reminder that not everyone sees your effort. Advocate with clarity. Ask with delight. And sometimes, the greatest lesson is how to say no with confidence and self-respect.

In this episode for Libsyn: 

[00:00] - Listener's question about being a people pleaser and handling requests without reciprocity

[00:28] - Personal story about attending a Pearl Jam concert and navigating requests from others

[03:18] - The importance of recognizing when others ask for things and the concept of reciprocity

[04:43] - The significance of understanding what you need and asking for it effectively

[06:48] - The challenge of asking for what you want without feeling guilty or selfish

[08:29] - Reflection on working together and helping each other in professional settings

[09:23] - Feelings of frustration and defensiveness about asking for help

[12:16] - The law of reciprocity and its role in relationships and requests. 

[14:43] - Recognizing the importance of asking for what you need and the role of reciprocity

[15:00] - The value of understanding and respecting others’ boundaries and needs

[16:58] - The significance of the last piece of the reciprocity puzzle

[17:23] - The divine curriculum and its relation to giving and receiving

[18:53] - The importance of saying no and setting boundaries

[20:00] - The value of encouraging others to say yes and the importance of mutual support

[21:50] - Final thoughts on answering questions and ongoing engagement with listeners.

 

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The Elegant Warrior Podcast and content posted by Heather Hansen is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.