The Kryptonite That Kills High-Achieving Men

THE CHALLENGE:

Have you ever struggled with perfectionism or feeling like no matter how well you do something…it seems like it’s not quite good enough? Do you ever place a large amount of pressure and stress on yourself to perform at a high level and you find yourself beating yourself up when you don’t achieve?? Do you ever feel that you can never meet a certain standard you’ve set for yourself?

 

I’ve struggled with this idea of self-doubt, feeling like I’m not good enough, and having to achieve more in order to prove my worth and value as a man…and beating myself up when I don’t achieve “up to par”.

 

As men we all have a need for validation. The definition of validation is…”the act of affirming a person, or their ideas, feelings, actions, as acceptable and worthy”. Every man, including you desires to be affirmed and to feel as acceptable and worthy. Validation is what defines our self-worth and value.

 

THE PROBLEM: “External Validation” (aka Kryptonite)

 

Validation is needed and good, but only if it is coming from the right place and is not dependent on something external from us or outside of our control.

 

More often than not, we seek validation from and depend on validation from the wrong places…from things that are external from us.

-This becomes a setup for dependence on something (similar to an addict dependent on drugs or alcohol)

            - This becomes a setup for future crisis. If we become dependent on the validation, and it leaves, then so does our value & worth

 

-Top 3 things men receive external validation from:

• Success
  • Success becomes a way to soothe our own underlying insecurities. We strive for success in order to validate our worth and value instead of knowing our own intrinsic value and creating success from it. If we don’t achieve our goal or fall short, we end up feeling shame and self-doubt which shows up by beating ourselves up.
• Status
  • Status and influence becomes something we chase in order to feel better about ourselves. The titles and followers, and likes we use to help define our significance. If we don’t get the status, again we will often beat ourselves up OR do anything to get more status…even compromising our character.
• Sex
  • We often times use sex as a way to be validated. We unfortunately feel like ‘conquering another woman’ or performing well in bed will contribute to our feeling of worth and being masculine. This leads to troubled relationships and adultery, because you continue to use what should be an intimate experience as a way to soothe insecurities.

 

Our identity (how we define ourselves) is closely linked to what we get validated by most!!

 

For example, If you are dependent on success as a means of validation, then you will self-identify as a success ONLY IF you succeed at your goal. Unfortunately, the opposite will destroy your self-perception. Meaning, if you don’t succeed or not actively succeeding…then you’ll identify yourself as a failure.

 

 

Ways to determine if you are becoming addicted/dependent on some external validation

• You beat yourself up
  • Feel like a failure if you aren’t succeeding at something
• Succeed at any cost
  • Compromise your character in order to get the success, status, or sex
• Perfectionism
  • Feel like things have to be perfect, and if they aren’t you take mistakes very personal

 

How to Turn Kryptonite into Cure

 

SOLUTION:

1. RECOGNIZE the things you are dependent on for validation:
   1. Ask yourself: “Do I get caught up more with how this makes ME feel or how it will help someone else feel??”
      1. Success: Are you more focused on what you receive from success, as opposed to the service others recieve?
      2. Sex: Are you focused more on how it will make you feel vs how it will make your spouse feel

• Status: Are you more focused on achieving the title and influence vs. the people that you help to earn the status?

2. RECEIVE validation PRIMARILY FROM YOUR IDENTITY as a Son of God
   1. What does God say about you?
      1. Made in the image and likeness of God
      2. Fearfully & Wonderfully made

• More than a conquer

1. Able to do all things through Christ’s strength

1. This doesn’t change!!
2. This is truth
3. This sets you up to CREATE success, elevate influence, and improve relationships (fruit) instead of CRAVING those things to prove you have value…because you now KNOW who you are!

3. Remind others of the same thing
   1. Help others see the same in themselves and it will be reinforced in you.

 

 

ACTION ITEM:

Daily remind yourself of who God says you are. His creation and your identity in him validates you!

 

The result? There will be no circumstance that can stop you! You’ll become unstoppable and unbreakable!

 

If you need help, book a 1:1 Discovery Call with me at https://drbradmd.com