03: The Day That Changed Everything with Denis Marier and John Conlon

Denis Marier welcomes you to the third episode of Groomed, a podcast for male survivors of childhood grooming and sexual abuse, and their loved ones.

 

Statistics state that one in six men have been groomed and sexually abused in childhood. Denis Marier believes that statistic to be higher due to under-reporting as men have traditionally not spoken of their experiences. The highest rates of suicide in Canada are among men from 40 to 49 years old, and suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between the ages of 16 and 24. Childhood grooming and sexual abuse could be the root cause of the majority of these deaths, many of whom take their secrets to their graves.

 

Denis has fought a lifelong battle with suicidal ideation due to the shame and trauma he has been working through, and has survived several attempts. No one else needs to die. What is needed is an open and honest discussion about the topic of men and male survivors of grooming and sexual abuse in order to continue deconstructing the stigma around it.

 

In this episode, Denis continues relaying the story of the grooming and sexual abuse at the hands of a high school teacher and trusted mentor. He opens up about the first attack and the day that changed everything, the day that permanently scarred him and separated his life in two: before the first rape, and afterwards. He then talks about the second rape and the confusion that followed. This episode contains descriptions of sexual assault and contains explicit and triggering content. Listener discretion is advised.

 

Key Takeaways:

[3:11] Denis tells John about the moment in his life when everything changed.

[7:01] 16-year-old Denis, passed out drunk.

[10:01] Denis talks about the confusion and desperation of not knowing what had happened to him.

[12:04] Denis describes going home after the first rape trying to act normal.

[14:12] Denis shares how he wanted to tell his father about what happened with the teacher.

[15:41] Fear causes Denis to keep the secret; fear his oldest brother would retaliate, and fear that his father would blame him for the assault.

[18:42] The day after the first rape, hung over, confused and filled with shame, Denis was taken to the marina by his father who seemed to be looking for the teacher. It was the day Denis began to lie and keep the secret.

[22:39] Feeling dirty and not being able to get past it.

[23:40] Denis confronts the teacher who was terrified, swore it wouldn’t happen again, and threatened to kill himself if anyone found out.

[25:17] The duties of school and student council consume Denis and he begins to let his guard down after the teacher vows it would never happen again. Denis tries to go back to normal and bury what had happened.

[27:40] Six months later Denis was raped by the teacher for a second time.

[32:18] Denis was terrified the teacher had given him AIDS.

[35:41] John realized something had changed in the relationship between Denis and the teacher.

[38:50] Denis decided he wanted to quit the student council but the teacher convinced him it was not a good move for him and promised he would never attack him again.

[42:11] John remembers a trip to Quebec where he realized something was certainly wrong and abusive.

[44:25] Denis shares the statistics with regards to suicide rates.

[46:35] The teacher tried to normalize the relationships between men and boys by talking about examples from the military and history.

[47:53] The perpetrator seduced Denis and made him feel he was in control.

[49:28] Almost discovered during an incident on the boat, the teacher clamps his hand over Denis’ mouth and holds him down so he can’t scream out.

 

Mentioned in this Episode: 

Groomed Podcast

Groomed on Facebook

Groomed on Twitter 

 

Canada Suicide Prevention Services

Victim Services Ontario

Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program 

 

Tweetable and Quotes:

“It was a beautiful, sunny day, September 1, 1984. There’s lots of laughing and lots of jokes, but that was the day that everything changed.” @groomedpodcast

 

“No one else needs to die, what is needed is an open and honest discussion about the topic of men and male survivors of grooming and sexual abuse, in order to continue deconstructing the stigma around it.”

 

“This was my friend, this was my mentor, this was somebody I considered a father figure.” @groomedpodcast

 

“I remember feeling so dirty, and I couldn't get past that.” @groomedpodcast

 

“I felt it was my fault.” @groomedpodcast

 

“Men don’t talk about sexual abuse.” @groomedpodcast

 

“You look at the suicide demographics and the fact that after teenagers, the biggest demographic for suicide is men in their 40’s and early 50’s.”  @groomedpodcast