HFH 001- Introduction and Overview

Hey Everyone!  Scott Milnes here, and welcome to the very first episode of the Healing from Heartache podcast.

I’m looking forward to sharing my experience, strength, and hope with you during your journey, wether it’s a painful breakup, failed engagement or full-blown divorce.

Because if you’re anything like me, when I went through my own confusing divorce and my subsequent breakup about 8 years later.

I desperately wanted to make better decisions, I just didn’t know how.

 

What You Can Expect From The Podcast

 

When you tune into the show, you can look forward to one of three different formats.

1.  Expanded stories from the blog.  I’ll take a recent blog article, read perhaps 2 or 3 sentences, and then really build upon what I was thinking and feeling when I created that post.

2.  Interviews with other relationship experts, wellness experts, life coaches, financial experts, and counselors.

3.  Interviews with real people who have gone through bad breakups and divorce.  What did they learn, what did they do, and most importantly, how would they do it differently?

 

Where It All Started

 

My passion for breakup and divorce recovery was born out of my own painful loss.

I’ve been exactly where you are and I understand first-hand the hurt, confusion, and loneliness of divorce and painful breakups. 

Divorced by age 30, that was a challenging and confusing chapter of life to say the least.  And I made just about every mistake possible.

From partying like a (wanna be) Rock Star, to chasing women (that I wouldn’t know what to do with even if I caught ‘em) to buying a lot of “stuff” I didn’t need, with money I didn’t have, to impress people I didn’t even know.

Life was a mess and I just wanted to feel better, as fast as possible, by any almost any means possible.

As you might imagine, none of it worked.  I quickly found myself hungover, twice as lonely, and 13.79 times deeper in debt (that’s just a general estimate).

In my desperate attempt to feel better, I not only prolonged the pain- I magnified it.

 

And Things Didn’t Get Better From There

 

Over the next few years I stumbled in and out of various relationships, but none of them worked.

Not even close.

Truth was, I was a broken man only capable of another broken relationship.  Time was passing, I was getting older, but I was still “choosing and doing” relationships with the same limited skill-set, and therefore getting the same miserable results.  Ugh!

 

But All Of A Sudden

 

However, about 7 years after my divorce, I rekindled an old romance.

We hadn’t spoken in years, and she reached out to see how I was doing and what I was up to.

I was thrilled beyond words.  You see, she and I always shared a certain spark, but could never seem to hold the relationship together for any solid length of time.  You know- the classic “on-again, off-again”.

And so, in the beginning of 2006, we decided to try it one more time.

Things were great in the beginning (haven’t we all said that before), but it didn’t take too long for some serious cracks to appear in the foundation.

Time had passed, we had both gotten older, but we were still the same people deep inside.

And we had the same limited relational skill-set, and so we were only capable of the same miserable results.  (Are you having a deja vu moment right now? Like you’ve heard (or read) this somewhere before?)

Things continued to get worse, and so about eight months into the relationship, I did one of the hardest things I had ever done.

I broke up with her for what I knew would be the final time.  We never saw each other again. 

 

Back To Square One

 

The weeks that followed were some of the deepest and darkest valleys of my life.

Loneliness, confusion, and heartache were my constant companions, and I seriously doubted it would ever get better.

And even though I was the one that chose to walk away, it didn’t make it any easier.  If anything, it made it harder as I battled the constant “coulda, woulda, shoulda’s” and self-doubt.

I often joke that I’d rather have a broken arm than a broken heart, because at least with a broken arm, I have a pretty good idea when that’s going to heal. 

However, little did I know how close I was to a turning point that would forever change my life.  And for the better! 

About five weeks after the breakup, I was in downtown San Diego having some drinks with a friend.

We were out on the town, and our mission was to party it up and meet some ladies.  You know, just like old times.

I remember dancing (if you can call it that) with this girl and my mind began swirling with all kinds of thoughts.

Things like:

“Dude, you’re almost 40, divorced, a string of failed relationships, and here you are drinking and dancing with strangers….looking for love?  Really??”

“This is what your life has come to??

Trying to find love in a bar?    Again??

Has it ever worked before?”

 

And Then It Happened

 

I felt a strange sensation, as if my mind was shifting into a higher consciousness.  I left the dance floor, walked back to the bar, and pulled up a chair.

And in that moment, on September 17th, 2006 at 12:32 in the morning, I had a profound spiritual awakening.

I realized I had to make a change– A BIG CHANGE- if I was ever to have the life and the love I so dearly wanted.

I realized that there was a greater plan and purpose for my life, and it didn’t involve any of this.

And then a small voice in my heart told me it was time to put down my drink, and walk out of that bar.

And so I did.

The next day I began to reach out to people who I knew would understand the moment of clarity I’d just been given.

Over time, they helped me discover who I really am and what I’m worthy of.

These men and women offered many suggestions- and I took them. 

 

The Gift of Clarity and A True Awakening

 

As the layers of the onion began to unfold, so did a miracle in my life.  I began- for once in my life-  to truly look at my choices and the reasoning behind them.

And from this journey came true growth.  Now, time was passing, AND I was growing.  That’s a pretty good feeling! 

And the equipping process began immediately.

I began to take every class, read every book, and attend every workshop, seminar, and sermon I could find about healthy love.

I desperately wanted to know what real love is, what it isn’t, and how to tell the difference.

 

A Mission To Help Others

 

Over time, my journey has led me to…

become a Certified Marriage Mentor

 

lead the DivorceCare ministry at one of the largest churches in the US

 

and earn a Certificate in Biblical Counseling, that I utilize with my faith-based clients.

But at the end of the day, I’m just a regular guy who got his heart splattered, and then made a lifelong commitment to figure it all out.

Oh yeah, and there’s one other part of the story I wanted to save for last.

 

Hard Work Pays Off

 

After embracing a Season of Singlehood and working on myself for almost 3 years, I re-entered the dating pool.

Except this time, the “software” in my mind was completely different.

The way I looked at women had changed as much as how I looked at myself. And within a few months, I met an amazing woman who would eventually become my wife.  She is truly my greatest earthly blessing.

I often joke that I’m glad I didn’t meet her one day sooner.

Because the plain truth is, I wouldn’t have been ready.

I wouldn’t have healed from my heartache, and would have poisoned the new relationship with my wounds from the past. 

Friends, I truly hope my story is an encouragement to you.

I hope it gives you inspiration and a deep knowing that if you take a different path, you’ll reach a different, and better destination.

Please take a moment and send me an email and share what you’re struggling with.

I read every email and I’d love to hear from you and how I can help!

Take care and I’ll look forward to speaking with you soon!

Change isn’t easy.  If it was, everyone would be living the dream.  Having a coach who takes people from where they are to where they want to be makes all the difference.  Call me today to learn more.

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