98. withhelds and unsaids: horizontal with chosen family (1 of 4)

I love snuggling, sleepovers, storytelling, sex, and stargazing, among other things. So I’ve metaphorically rolled them up in audio form and made you this podcast. Horizontal is Slow Radio. We’re lying down (usually late at night) wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears. It’s like consensual eavesdropping.

During Seasons 1 and 2, I got horizontal with one guest at a time. This is Season 3. Season 3 is mostly comprised of threesomes: myself plus two guests in some kind of relationship with one another. The relationships we’ve explored so far are manager/client, play party co-hosts, men’s group leaders, primary poly partners, monogamous married (soul)mates, and a couple of Wizard friends. 

Typically, each horizontal conversation is between two and three hours long, and divided into two parts — the part ones are available in all the podcast places, and the part twos are available exclusively for my patrons. 

This horizontal conversation took place over the course of five hours. I’ll be dividing it into four parts: the first two: episodes 98 & 99, will be available in all the podcast places, and the last two will be available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts.

To become a patron, go to Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila — at the $7/month tier, you get access to The Full Horizontal, including all the part twos (in this case, threes and fours). You have to click the link or type the exact address into your search engine, because “adult” creators are made unsearchable on Patreon.

I am more committed than ever to independent, uncensored, sex-positive art that makes the world a more intimate place. You can be part of my mission on patreon.com/horizontalwithlila.

In this episode, I lie down with my friend Jillian Richardson, anti-loneliness crusader, creator of The Joy List, author of Unlonely Planet, and Dennis, Lifestyle Designer, co-lead of Personal Development Nerds, her housemate, her chosen family, her brother.

Jillian and I share a mission: to make the world a less lonely, more intimate place. She is a kindred in public vulnerability. A gatherer. A connector.

Jillian is in the business of belonging. It is such important work. Soul-saving work. The Joy List is a weekly compendium of events in New York City that you can go to alone, and leave with a new friend. It is one of the few newsletters that I read every week without fail. I suggest that you sign up for The Joy List on joylist.nyc and follow joylistnyc on social media, even if you don’t live in New York.

In each edition of The Joy List, Jillian shares a brief personal essay about something she’s grappling with, or breaking through. She does this because she’s as committed to authentic communication as I am. She doesn’t want to purport that she has it all figured out. I respect that so much. And even so, I sometimes find myself feeling envious — of her productivity, her diligence, her powerful mission-focus, her myriad invitations, and the adoration of her peers, her audience, and pretty much everyone who comes across her work.

What I really want to do with my envy is connect, understand, motivate, collaborate… and lift each other up. Jillian once said that she felt like we were this GIF of women’s hands continually lifting each other up, over and over and over. And that, I am committed to.

Unlonely Planet: how healthy congregations can save the world is her heart-full book about seeking, curating, and creating the kinds of communities that truly nourish us. I have five words for it:

Buy.

Read.

Gather.

Nourish.

Love.

You can find it, of course, in the Amazon.

Jillian & Dennis have been living together with their other two housemates in mini-community for two years.

Dennis is a curator of many kinds. He designs Community & Wellness strategies for large corporations, experiences for multiple groups in New York City, and events for his beloved Personal Development Nerds (PDN for short). Jillian describes him as the most extroverted person she knows.

PDN was one of Jillian’s first communities in New York (but it’s not where they met — you’ll get that story in a later episode). It’s a gathering of lifelong learners, co-lead by Dennis & Juvoni. Their Main Events consist of brief lectures and breakout conversations. Members are encouraged to bring in their works-in-progress, their nascent presentations, their burgeoning projects, their early iterations — to experiment, and activate, to give and receive feedback. They stand for each other’s growth.

And that is the sense I get from Dennis. Dennis stands for everyone’s growth. He stands for potential, and for possibilities. You can find him @desarkozy on Instagram.

In this, the first episode of our four-part conversation, I clear the air with Jillian after our cancelled sleepover event. I also express how I feel about Dennis. We discuss the difference between being drawn to and being attracted to, the difference between sexual and sensual energy, The Touch Gauntlet, an inner tickle, safeporting... and I share a sexual fantasy that I’m pretty sure is gonna make Jillian uncomfortable.

Come lie down with us for the first time, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.