125. like a vagina wrapped around a pole: quickie with a bisexual femme poet ladyboss

Hello my horizontal lovers, my intimacy investigators, my horizontalists! horizontal is the podcast about sex, love, & relationships of all kinds, recorded while lying down, and usually, while wearing robes.

If you’ve listened to either one of my ‘between two wizard’ episodes, 85. well-hung psychedelic sex wizard / no hookups or 86. you’re trying to porn sex me, or my most magical recent horizontal mashup episodes, 123. this ritual is horizontal, or 124. this horizontal is a ritual, you’ve become acquainted with my Wizard friend, Devin Person.

During both of our horizontal recordings (one in-person, in his former wizard bed in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and the other virtual, mediated by the magic of the interwebz, between Louisville, Kentucky, and Canggu, Bali, Indonesia) a remarkable fact about his relationship surfaced: he and his partner (now fiancé) don’t text. Ever. It’s one of their cherished relationship agreements, a social norm within the co-creation of their dyad. They just don’t text. If they want to communicate with one another, they need to actually pick up the phone, and dial their partner.

Well, that fiancé he doesn’t text with… is our storyteller today.

Typically on horizontal, each conversation is between 3 and 5 hours long and divided into two to four parts. The former half is available for all horizontalists everywhere, and the latter half is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts. With few exceptions, our conversations are languorous and long-form, as though post-coital, or stargazing, or staring out onto the open road in the wee hours of a very long road trip. I consider it consensual eavesdropping.

When you become a patron you receive a key to the horizontal city, unlocking access to over 50 exclusive episodes. Become a patron of the horizontal arts by navigating directly to www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila ... You must click on or type in that link directly, because sex-positive creators are still in quite a bind with social media these days. You can’t just go to Patreon and search my name, or the name of my show, because the search engine pretends all of its mature content doesn’t exist! I guess that makes Patreon sort of like the boyfriend who doesn’t want the world to know that we are dating, but it is the best crowdsourcing subscription service that I know at this moment. So. I take it as an indicator of just how far we still need to go to eradicate sex-negativity, stigma, shame, and taboo.

Usually, my Patreon tiers begin at $7 per month, but this month I’ve opened up ten $5 a month spots for access to The Full Horizontal. Two spot already got snagged before this announcement, so as of this recording there are 8 left. Claim one, and all the horizontality shall be yours.

At the end of each long-form recording, I ask my guest to tell me a story. It can be any tale that falls under the broad umbrella of intimacy. My only requirement is that they have a burning desire to share it with me. Because these stories usually take place in the part twos (or fours) of our recordings, most of you horizontalists never get to hear such tales as being carried down a mountain on the shoulders of a hunky guide, or donating your father’s body to science and then insisting on a connection with the medical students who studied him, or getting married every year — to the same person.

Occasionally, in pre-pandemic times, I’d host horizontal storytelling pajama parties. My launch party in May of 2017 was a pajama party! This quickie was recorded live during Pride Month in June 2019 at horizontal storytelling: the summer pride edition. We all donned rainbow pajamas, noshed on milk and cookies, and curled up together, horizontally, all 50 of us, to listen to the tales of five storytellers from across the LGBTQIA+ community, one after the other.

In this particular quickie, I lie down with Lisa Ann Markuson, also known as LAMARKS, queer cis femme bisexual woman boss, founder + CEO of creative agency Ars Poetica, (which provides, among other things, experiential poetic entertainment for events and happenings). Her woman-owned, inclusive and sustainable business model celebrates the multitalented nature of her artists across entertainment, activist, consulting, and literary landscapes.

She was the co-host, along with Taz, of the National Poetry Month podcast, A Daily Dose of Poetry. I appeared on the show as their April 18th guest, and they wrote me poetic prescriptions for what ailed me in my romantic relationship. LA and her 35 artists have written poetry for celebrities & created a series of handmade poetic talismans to benefit Planned Parenthood.

You can find her, and them, on the interwebz at @arspoetica.us on Instagram.

Come lie down with us at a pajama party in the before-time, at Hacienda Studio in Bushwick, Brooklyn, as LA tells us a tale titled, “In Fact, a Switch Hitter.”