Why You Can't Break Your Money Patterns (The Psychology of Secondary Gains)
Release Date: 06/30/2025
Breaking Money Cycles: When Breaking Money Cycles Means Breaking Relationships
It's Not About The Money
I lost one really deep friendship when I started changing my relationship with money - not because I became a different person or got arrogant, but because I stopped being who they needed me to be. What nobody talks about when breaking money cycles is that sometimes the people closest to you have the most invested in keeping you exactly where you are. This is the conversation I've been avoiding since we started this series because it's messy, it's painful, and it doesn't have a tidy solution. But if you've been setting boundaries and healing your relationship with money, you've probably...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why You Can't Stop Putting Others First With Money
It's Not About The Money
What would happen if you stopped holding all the responsibility with money? If you weren't the rescuer or the provider, the generous one - would people still value you and would you still matter? That may sound like a rather odd question, but right now there are thousands of people searching terms like "Why do I always put others first with money?" and "How do I stop feeling guilty spending money on myself?" because so many of us are trapped in what I refer to as the caretaker money cycle, where your mind and your body have literally learnt that giving money away equals safety, love, and...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Debt, Shame and Forgiveness
It's Not About The Money
If money has been feeling rather heavy for you recently, or maybe you're waking up in the middle of the night worrying about money, I want you to first of all know that you are not alone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you have debts. This episode is specifically about debt and shame, and I'm going to be sharing what happened for me when I was in £35,000 of debt - a story I've rarely told publicly because of the deep shame I carried around it for years. The truth is, debt isn't just about the numbers on a statement; it's about the weight of secrecy, the fear of judgement,...
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Breaking Money Cycles: The Real Reason You Can't Create Consistent Income (It's Not Your Marketing)
It's Not About The Money
What if next month's revenue felt as reliable as your morning coffee? As a financial expert who's helped thousands of business founders to steady their income, I can honestly tell you this: you've already done the hard part - people want what you sell. Let's make the good months stick. Feast and famine cycles aren't personal failures, and it's not even your marketing. It's a pattern that your body and your business have learnt to repeat. Today, I'm going to widen your capacity to receive money, to hold and to give, and pair it with some really simple, practical planning strategies so that...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why You Make Your Worst Financial Decisions When You're Overwhelmed
It's Not About The Money
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by a money decision that you've Googled "best savings account," opened 17 tabs, read 18 articles, and ended up way more confused than when you started? Here's the trap we all fall into: when we're stressed about money, we think the answer is more information - one more podcast, one more YouTube video, one more expert opinion that will finally make it all make sense. But that information is actually making the overwhelm worse. Today, as a former financial adviser with 20 years of experience, I'm showing you what's actually happening in your brain when you try...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why You Hide from Your Numbers (And How to Build Financial Courage)
It's Not About The Money
I've spent the last 10 years trying to find the perfect financial management system for my business and personal finances, and here's what I've discovered: it doesn't matter which system you implement if the one thing avoiding the numbers is you. As a qualified financial advisor and somatic money expert, I can tell you with absolute certainty that financial avoidance has nothing to do with lack of financial education - it's a protection response your body has learned. When you retrain that response, money stops feeling like a threat and starts feeling like simple, neutral information. Today,...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why You Self-Sabotage When Things Go Well
It's Not About The Money
Have you ever achieved a major financial milestone - landed a big client, hit a revenue goal, or finally built up your savings - only to watch yourself systematically self-sabotage it within weeks? Maybe you suddenly took on underpriced work, made an impulsive expensive purchase, or created some drama that torpedoed your success. If this sounds familiar, I need you to understand something crucial: this isn't weakness, it's not a character flaw, and it's not lack of willpower. This is your nervous system literally treating financial success like a threat to your existence. Right now,...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Financial Trauma - The Hidden Cost of Being the Affordable Option
It's Not About The Money
If you've ever caught yourself saying "I don't want to price myself out of the market" or felt that familiar guilt creeping in when considering raising your prices, you're about to discover why being the affordable option is actually a financial trauma response. The hidden cost of undercharging isn't just the money you're leaving on the table - it's the cycle of resentment, exhaustion, and trauma responses that keep you trapped in patterns of unworthiness. In my book "It's Not About The Money," I explore how under-earning often starts as a trauma response where we overwork to prove ourselves,...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why You Feel Broke Even When You Have Money (10-Minute Daily Fix)
It's Not About The Money
Have you ever looked at your bank account and thought "this should feel like enough," yet still felt that familiar knot of anxiety in your stomach whenever money came up? You're absolutely not alone in this experience. This week, I'm diving deep into why you can feel broke even when you have money - and it has nothing to do with the actual numbers in your account. The real culprit? Your nervous system and how it's been programmed to recognise what feels "safe" around money. If you grew up hearing "we can't afford that" or witnessed your parents stress about finances, your body has been...
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Breaking Money Cycles: Why Saving More Money Never Makes You Feel Safe
It's Not About The Money
In this deeply personal episode, I explore why having more money often doesn't make us feel safer, and why this isn't actually a money problem - it's a meaning problem. Drawing from my own experience of nearly losing my youngest son Thomas twice in his first five weeks of life, I reveal how our "not enough" programming around money often stems from our deepest fears about being unprepared when someone we love is at risk. Through my three-zone model of receiving, holding, and giving, I break down how these inherited money beliefs create an exhausting cycle where we work harder but can never...
info_outlineIn this episode, I explore why we get stuck repeating the same frustrating money patterns despite reading books, listening to podcasts, and working on our mindset. Rather than blaming ourselves for being broken or lazy, I reveal the hidden psychology behind these behaviours - the secondary gains that keep us "stuck" because they're actually protecting us in some way.
Episode Highlights:
Understanding Secondary Gains - The Hidden Benefits
- How every financial behaviour, even destructive ones, serves a positive purpose
- Why our unconscious mind creates patterns to keep us safe based on old information
- The concept of secondary gains as "wrapping" around our biggest fears about money
- How protection mechanisms that once served us may no longer be appropriate at 43
- The difference between conscious desires and unconscious protective patterns
My Personal Examples: Undercharging and Protection
- How I stayed in undercharging patterns to avoid rejection and confrontation
- The realisation that "you're too expensive" is about the other person's values, not my worth
- My Thermomix story - how I value different things differently (£800 kitchen gadget vs. high-ticket mentoring)
- The first-class flight dilemma and the guilt around spending £1,500 on comfort
The Four Most Common Secondary Gains Around Money
1. Undercharging Pattern:
- Primary fear: rejection, confrontation, and loss of "nice person" identity
- Benefits: more people say yes, avoiding uncomfortable negotiations, staying accessible
- How it prevents claiming full power and owning your brilliance
- Applies to both business owners and employees negotiating pay rises
2. Chronic Saving Pattern:
- Primary fear: uncertainty and lack of control
- Benefits: feeling protected, being the "responsible one," avoiding buyer's remorse
- How it maintains identity as the sensible person while others are "frivolous"
- The trap of "never enough" despite growing bank balances
3. Money Avoidance Pattern:
- Primary fear: adult responsibility and making wrong decisions
- Benefits: maintaining childlike innocence, having others take responsibility
- How chaos becomes an excuse to avoid goal-setting and risk-taking
- Case study from my recent live coaching demonstration about staying in childlike patterns
4. Overspending/Impulse Pattern:
- Primary fear: making big decisions and planning ahead
- Benefits: instant emotional regulation, dopamine hits, maintaining victim identity
- How it helps avoid future planning (especially challenging for neurodivergent brains)
- My personal pattern of spending everything to avoid making financial decisions
The Identity and Relationship Dynamics
- How money patterns serve our relationships and keep peace
- Client examples: fear of out-earning mentors, maintaining marriage dynamics
- The "struggling artist" or "survivor" story identity
- How staying financially small can protect us from jealousy and judgment
- The secondary gain of maintaining harmony by not threatening others' positions
Spotting Your Own Secondary Gains - Key Questions
- What do you get to avoid when you stay stuck?
- What identity does this pattern allow you to maintain?
- How do your money patterns serve your relationships?
- What would you have to face if this pattern disappeared tomorrow?
- Does the possibility of change feel scary, and why?
Working With Secondary Gains, Not Against Them
- The importance of curiosity over judgment
- How these patterns developed for good reasons and have been trying to protect us
- My approach using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Matrix Re-imprinting
- Combining somatic work with inherited family trauma modalities
- The goal: making your financial future more exciting than the secondary gain
Practical Steps for Change
- Honouring what the pattern has done for you with gratitude
- Speaking directly to the protective parts: "Thank you for keeping me safe"
- Working with the nervous system through gradual, sustainable changes
- Finding healthy ways to meet the same emotional needs differently
- Why incremental price increases work better than dramatic jumps
The Neurodivergent Perspective
- How ADHD and autism traits can make planning ahead feel unsafe
- Why spending everything now avoids future decision-making pressure
- Reference to previous episodes on managing money with ADHD
- protective mechanisms
Chapters
00:00 Understanding Money Patterns and Secondary Gains
09:52 The Impact of Undercharging and Self-Worth
18:33 Exploring Chronic Saving and Money Avoidance
26:03 Transforming Patterns and Embracing Change
Resources:
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