Regrets

On this week’s Keepin It Real, Cam hopes you have no regrets from Thanksgiving. And if you do, that you learn from them.

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Well, how’d it go yesterday? Any family flare ups? Any thoughts you wish you’d kept to yourself? Thanksgiving gatherings are famous for finding people’s boiling points and the election having been just a few weeks ago, some are still gloating and others still licking their wounds. Any regrets from yesterday?

I heard Dan Pink speak last week at a conference in San Francisco. He’s a New York Times best-selling author and his most recent book is called The Power of Regret. I was invited to go backstage to meet him and he told me how he gathered data for the book. He personally read over 60,000 people’s regrets. He solicited them from across the world and people enthusiastically responded. It was almost a catharsis for many respondents, he said. Like people wanted to get their regrets off their chest. He had to cut off submissions he had so many.

Regrets tend to come in four categories, he said in his keynote speech. They’re either Foundation Regrets – where you’re sorry you didn’t do something long ago that would have changed your today – started saving money, read more, gone after the degree, or had a bad feeling about who you were marrying but decided to overlook it. Then there’s Boldness Regret – when you played it safe instead of taking a chance or times when you look back and wish you had spoken up about something. There’s Moral Regrets – You did the wrong thing and it haunts you, something that was very much out of your character. He told the story of a woman who, when she was nine, remembers bullying a girl on the school bus and that behavior has eaten her up ever since. And finally, there are Connection Regrets – when you should have reached out and, instead, let a relationship wither. Whenever you ask yourself “should I call? Should I visit? Should I send a note” the answer, Pink says, is always yes.

Pink also showed a slide that shows that regrets increase over time – the more time goes by, the more the regrets of our past haunt us. And our regrets of today sting worse when we make a poor decision right now. “I should have known I was going to regret this,” we say, kicking ourselves. That, Pink says, is our own wisdom, earned over years, trying to exert itself, but we ignore it.

So, any regrets from yesterday? Anyone important to you storm off in a huff? Or maybe, did you? Apologies always matter. They make you feel better when you apologize and genuinely accepting apologies is part of God’s magic for relationships.

My regrets? Well, I certainly regret the second helping at yesterday’s Thanksgiving meal. I regret the third helping worse. More seriously, I regret losing my temper a few times as a young father. Regardless of whether any of my kids remember it, I can’t forget it. I did the wrong thing and it haunts me. Since my stroke about eighteen months ago, though, I keep regrets in mind. I want to learn from the ones I have and prevent any more.

Something to think about as I fix a turkey sandwich for lunch today.

I’m Cam Marston, just trying to Keep it Real.