EP 125 - The Friend at the End (Reprise) - Part III

This is the third episode in a series based on my upcoming book, The Friend at the End, which tells the story of the major stroke that I suffered in 2011, which very nearly killed me. In the last episode, I had gone down to the pool at our condo for the first day of summer, but I started feeling kind of queasy. My condition worsened, and at one point, to my shock, I lost my eyesight and thought I was going blind.

          I soon realized that not only was I in the midst a truly serious health crisis, I was also having a seemingly telepathic communication with an inner presence of some kind. And this presence kept suggesting to me that I might be in the process of dying. As I began to accept the idea, it casually asked me, “Are you ready?”     That was the end of the last episode. This one begins with my reaction to that unexpected question.

          “Am I ready? What? Am I ready?”  I responded to myself.  

          The question caught me completely off-guard and it really threw me. What I thought had been a theoretical conversation had suddenly become a reality and I felt like I’d been shoved off the boat into a freezing ocean and was now in hostile water, surrounded by unknown dangers.

          Of course, I knew that things were serious. My vision was shot and being involved in a telepathic communication within my own mind was beyond strange, to say the least. But, as distressing as it was, up until then, it was all just talk. Suddenly, these three little words – are you ready - brought me face to face with my own death, and basically, it scared me out of my wits.

          But then, the next thing I knew, my fear quickly turned into anger. And it felt like righteous anger. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. It was a simple as that. Things were going great; I was in the prime of my life and I didn’t see any reason why it should have to end.

          After a few more moments, my survival instinct took over and with a strong sense of resolve, I decided to stand and fight. I was done with this whole death thing and I didn’t want to hear any more about it. Who was this guy, anyway? And why should I listen to him? I would give this unseen and unwelcomed visitor a piece of my mind. 

          “Look, whoever or whatever you are,” I said to whoever or whatever it was, “Now you listen to me. If you’re asking me if I want to die, the answer is no! There is not one atom in my being that wants to die! I don’t want to die. I want to live.”

          Then, having studied the power of crafting a pure intention and clearly expressing it, I decided to make a strong affirmative decree into the universe, of my desire and intention to live.

          “I declare that any and all thoughts and fears of death have no part of me whatsoever. I banish them from my consciousness and negate them entirely. I affirm now and forever, my unshakable oneness with the infinite power of the divine energy that is within me.”

          Then, with every part of my being and from the very depths of my soul, I firmly declared, “I CHOOSE LIFE!!!”

          It felt like I had tapped into the faith that can move mountains, and I could feel the power of my intention resonate out into infinity. There was an inherent rightness to it and it was followed by a deeply profound and satisfying sense of inner peace. 

          “Good answer!” this whatever-it-was said to me a few moments later. “Well done! Very well done indeed!”

          “Wow!” I thought, resting in the afterglow of the affirmation. “Okay!”

          It was all so simple. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground. You align yourself with the integrity of your being, connect with the power of the universe and make your intention clearly known. Then, everything can change in an instant.  

          As I thought about it, maybe this whole dying thing had actually been a test of some kind. And maybe I had just passed through an initiation and would be moving into a greater level of consciousness, with a deeper understanding of life. Anyway, whatever it was, test or not, I felt like I had passed with flying colors. My confidence was back. I was on track and I felt great.

          “So, look,” the presence said, “you’ve obviously done a lot of inner work in your life and it’s clear that you’ve learned a lot. You made a powerful expression of your intent and will to live, and you did it from your heart. Again, well done! Very well done!

          “But David,” it continued calmly, “Although, in its place, there is tremendous power in this kind of method, it’s only valid up to a point. There’s a very important level that’s beyond all that.”

          I didn’t know where things were heading, but suddenly something inside of me said, “Uh-oh.”

          “In the physical world, you do get to choose a lot of things,” it continued. “But you don’t get to choose the length of your life and you don’t get to choose how and when it will end.

          “Some flies live for one day, a butterfly for two weeks. Some trees live for thousands of years and stars like the sun can shine for ten billion. But it’s all just a matter of degree, because this is a realm of impermanence and nothing here lasts. Sooner or later, one way or another, everything here ends.

          “But the source of it all never ends. You can call it God, the Higher Power, or any of the thousands of other terms that people have come up with over the years. Call it what you want, or don’t call it anything at all, but this universal power is what is keeping you alive, as well as the rest of creation. And it will decide when it’s time for you to go.

          “Of course, it’s great that you’re aware of it, but don’t make the silly mistake of thinking that you control it, because you don’t. No one does. It’s not even close. And by the way, you didn’t come here to control it, you came here to surrender to it.”

          It was a short, concise little talk, but it took the wind right out of my sails. My personal power vanished immediately, like a balloon that was burst by a sharp needle. The presence paused a little to let the information sink in and then continued.

          “Now, although you just made a very strong, clear and firm statement, you didn’t answer the question that I asked you. I didn’t ask what you wanted. I asked you if you were ready. So, let me ask you again – Are you ready? And if you’re not, then you better get ready. Because even though on one level, time is just an illusion, on another, it’s very real. And the truth is - you’re running out of it. So, are you ready?”

          The situation had obviously become crystal clear. I had to face facts and let go of the idea that I had any choice left in the matter. That ship had sailed, if it had ever been there in the first place. Clearly, things were in motion now and I had to get my inner affairs in order.

          So, was I ready for this? If this really is the end, would anything major be left undone? Might I have regrets? Or even remorse? Whatever. I had to decide if I was ready and supposedly, time was getting short.

          It seemed like a ridiculously tall order and I had no idea how to approach it. So, I just asked myself, “Okay, so am I ready?” and I waited to see what happened next. 

          Something came to mind immediately. It seemed unfair to me that I should have to die so young. Why such a short life? After all, I was only 62 years old and other than today’s crazy episode, I seemed to be in great health. And it was all so sudden.

          But my thoughts went straight to what happened to my father.  He was only 52 years old when he instantly dropped dead from a massive heart attack, which means that I would still be getting a full ten years more than he got. And talk about sudden, he literally died in a heartbeat. In another moment, the whole unfairness argument went right out the window.

          I relaxed a little and waited to see what came up next. Out of nowhere, I felt an enormous wave of gratitude and relief wash over me. The feeling seemed to exist on its own, with no apparent connection to any form of thought. I just felt incredibly grateful and unbelievably relieved, for no noticeable reason.  

          Then suddenly I realized a critical fact that hadn’t occurred to me before - my life insurance policy was in full force and if I did die, my wife and daughter would be well taken care of after I was gone. The feelings of gratitude and relief suddenly made perfect sense. They had just hit my consciousness before any thoughts of explanation had caught up to them. In reality, I can never overstate how much this fact meant to me at this point in time. The relief was far beyond words.

          As a writer, I had led a somewhat unconventional life and my financial fortunes had ebbed and flowed over the years - sometimes up and sometimes not so up.

          But fortunately, I had always been able to maintain a fairly substantial life insurance policy for them.  To me, this contingency planning had always represented a monument to sane responsibility. From where I was standing now, when it comes to monuments, it made Mt. Rushmore look like a little sand castle.  

          Thank God my wife and daughter would be financially secure after I died! I knew they would be safe after I was gone, and a deep sense of peace came over me.   

          It’s funny looking back on it, but I didn’t feel any anxiety over what would happen to them emotionally after I died. I had learned from experience that death and separation are an inevitable part of life, and we all have a built-in human capacity to recover from them.  I knew that although it would be tough, eventually they’d recover. That’s the just way we’re made.  

          But the fact that they weren’t going to have to face a financial catastrophe on top of the sudden shock and grief was enormously soothing and the gratitude and relief I felt came from the very depths of my being.

          At that point, I felt complete about my external responsibilities in life. As far as being ready, that area was covered and I waited for whatever else came up next. But to my surprise, nothing did. My mind kind of went silent and I seemed to be in a state of nothingness. I continued to wait.

          “Could that be it?” I finally asked myself. “That’s all you’ve got? Come on, here you are, trying to see if you’re ready to die, and all you can come up with are these two things – that you think your life was cut too short and that you’re glad your life insurance policy is in force. That’s it? Nothing else? Come on man, there’s gotta be more.”

          Still, nothing else came up. My mind was a complete blank, which seemed incredible. All my life, it had been churning out thought after thought of never-ending chatter, and now, at this critical moment, all of a sudden it goes radio-silent?

          I was stuck and I felt like something was wrong. It seemed like I wasn’t doing this right and I got worried. “I don’t want to blow this,” I thought, “My God, of all things, I don’t want to be a failure when it comes to dying!”

          “Here, let me help you with this a little,” the voice, or whatever it was, chimed in. It was a pleasant surprise. I had actually completely forgotten all about it and was very happy that it was still there. Once again, I felt how familiar it seemed to be. I couldn’t see it, but I could sense it, like a wise old friend with only my best interests at heart, giving me a kind, reassuring smile.  

          Then, in a most relaxed and casual tone, it asked me, “Did ‘ja learn anything?”