The Gift of the Zombi by Julie Hoverson (with a wink and a nod to O. Henry) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead. 

 

Cast List

Mia - Brenda Dau
Ben - Derek M. Koch
                of Mail Order Zombie
Geek - Glen Hallstrom
Tick - Frankenvox
Chuck - Bob Noble
Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Doris - Julie Hoverson
Sheri - Crystal Thomson
Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson
Voicebox - Beverly Poole
Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich
          & Rish Outfield
          of Dunesteef Audio Magazine
Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson
Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson

Other zombies:  Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson.

Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com)
Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)
Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************************************

GIFT OF THE ZOMBI

 

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben

Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia

Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor

Andy, henpecked zombie (40s)

Doris, Andy's wife (40s)

Geek, a broker (30s)

Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s)

Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s)

Fred, a zombie (any)

Bob, another zombie (any)

Chuck, overseer zombie (any)

Voicebox - mechanical translator

 

ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other. 

/n = normal"mind voice"

/z = "zombie voice"

There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice.

 

Exceptions: 

DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks

GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like

TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice.

 

NOTE:  The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less.  Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside. 

Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand.  Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so.  That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand.

OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

SCENE 1.     MIA'S APARTMENT

SOUND      WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF

SOUND     FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT

MIA/Z     [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically,  punctuating the narrative]

MIA/n     I hate Mondays. 

SOUND     ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING

SOUND     STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC     VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE

MIA/n     It doesn’t help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven’t got Ben his present.

MIA/z     [roar of anger]

SOUND      SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS.

MIA/N     The holidays just bring out the worst in me.

SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE

MIA/N     [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night.  I love the hot pink against my pale skin.  [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang.  They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me.

SOUND     SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES

MIA/n     A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day.

SOUND     [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS. 

MIA/n     Ben's gift is the big problem.  I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap.  There just aren't that many floating around out there.

MUSIC

 

 

 

SCENE 2.     OUTSIDE

SOUND     NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS.

SOUND     STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY

BEN/z     [moans, fighting his way to his feet]

BEN/n     [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night? 

BEN/z     [shake head noise]

BEN/n     Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me--

SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP

BEN/n     For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into.  I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it.  Went whole hog and did the handfast.  It's like always having a piece of her with me. 

[note:  in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands.  zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another]

ANDY/z     [morning]

BEN/z     [yo!  How's it going?]

ANDY/z     [falling moan, ending in a squeal]

BEN/n     Don't I know it!  Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy.  He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night.  Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 3.     MIA'S STAIRCASE

SOUND     BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE.

MIA/z     [distraught moan]

MIA/n     Darn stair carpet.  Darn heels. 

SOUND     FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON

MIA/n     Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap.  Ben loves my little foibles.  He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him.  Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do.

SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON

TED/z     [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive]

MIA/z     [dismissive moan]

MIA/n     Not today, Ted.  I don't have time for any of your nonsense.

TED/z     [moan ending in a squeak/question]

MIA/n     I'm with Ben, Ted.  You know that.  I'm not giving up what I have with him.  He has my hand, and my promise.  He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way.

TED/z     [mournful and pissed moan]

MIA/n     Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe.

MIA/z     [roar/moan as she brushes him aside]

SOUND     STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH

MIA/z     [roar of triumph]

MIA/N     First time!! [made it on the first try!]  This is gonna be a great day!

MUSIC

 

SCENE 4.     OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN

ANDY/z     [cursing groan]

ANDY/n     Come on, Ben.  Doris likes you!  If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it!

BEN/z     [dismissive groan]

SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER

ANDY/z     [dude]

ANDY/N     Dude!  Come on--

DORIS/z     [distant strident squeal]

ANDY/n     Oh, crap!

SOUND     SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING

ANDY/z     [strange gurgling warble]

ANDY/n     [sigh] I lose more tongues that way.

DORIS/z     [strident squeal, closer]

MUSIC

 

SCENE 5.     OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING

SOUND     HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE

MIA/z     [low moan]

GEEK/z     [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!]

MIA/z     [quizzical]

MIA/n     Yeah, what's it to you?

GEEK/z     [you got any to spare?]

MIA/n     No!  I like mine right where they are.

GEEK/z     [get you a good price.  Fingers are always top value.]

MIA/z     [sharp moan of anger]

MIA/n     Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says--

MIA/z     [fuck you]

GEEK/z     [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!]

MIA/n     Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 6.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

[note:  throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under]

MIA     [calling]  Hey babycakes!

BEN     [off]  Yo sweet thang!

SOUND     PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER

MIA     Mm.  Missed you!

BEN     Double that.

SOUND     DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES

MIA     [mild slurp, then hot]  You are such a good kisser. 

BEN     Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to.

MIA     [giggles] 

BEN     Let's walk.  Want to show you something.

MIA     Oh?  Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill.

BEN     You know I'd support you if I could--

MIA     I like looking after my own needs.  [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants.

BEN     Ooh!

MUSIC

 

SCENE 7.     OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE

SOUND     PLODDING FEET

MIA     I should have worn more convenient shoes.

BEN     Sorry!  Almost there.

MIA     What is...it...?  [awe]  Oh!

BEN     I thought you might say that.  Just saw them.  Of course, they're not cheap.

MIA     [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off!

BEN     The heels aren't too high, are they?

MIA     [sigh of ecstasy]  I love stacks...

MUSIC

 

SCENE 8.     OUTSIDE, Later

BEN     [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots.

ANDY     And how much did you say they were?

BEN     More than I've had in living memory.

ANDY     At any one time?

BEN     EVER. 

ANDY     Woah.  Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate.

BEN     [scoff noise]  The mills?  It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then.

ANDY     What, then?  Go out snatching?  That's pretty much your only other option.

BEN     [sighs]  I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow--

ANDY     Woah, there!  You know Doris holds the purse strings!

BEN     If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three.

ANDY     [musing] You know...  That's not a bad idea.

BEN     [disturbed] Serious?

ANDY     Nah.  I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving.  I guess that's love.

BEN     [agreeing hmph]

MUSIC

 

SCENE 9.     TREADMILLS

SOUND     HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER.  DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS

MIA     Hey!

OTHER ZOMBIES     [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia!  Looking good!]

SOUND     MANY PLODDING FEET

MIA     Hey Chuck!  Got a space?

CHUCK     For you?  Always, babe.  Wanna lose the heels first?

MIA     Brought my work shoes.  Just need a moment at the bench.

CHUCK     I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles]  Thank god for velcro, eh?

MIA     Hah!  I have all my fingers.

CHUCK     [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...?

MIA     [chuckles]  Jealous?

MUSIC

 

SCENE 10.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

[note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk]

GEEK     [Psst.]

BEN     What?

GEEK     [heard you were having some money troubles.]

BEN     What's it to you?

GEEK     [I might be able to help you with that.]

BEN     I don't think so.  I don't have anything I feel like selling.

GEEK     [You got some extra fingers.  An entire hand that looks... spare]

BEN     No way. Man!  That's - that's Mia's hand!  I should smack you with it just for suggesting that!

GEEK     [Hey!  I don't want no trouble!  I'm just a businessman!]

BEN     [spits out the word] Businessman.  You're a parts broker. 

GEEK     [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.]

SOUND     SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE

BEN     Wait.

GEEK     [what?]

BEN     What - what's in high demand?

GEEK     [What?]

BEN     I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for?

GEEK     [[chuckles] See?  When you need me--]

BEN     Cut the crap and tell me.

GEEK     [Appendages are always good.  Fingers, noses, ears.  And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.] 

BEN     [gulp]

GEEK     [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition.  Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.] 

BEN     What about parts that - aren't mine?

GEEK     [Stolen parts?  What makes you think I trade dirty?]

BEN     Your type always does.

GEEK     [[pissed again] My type?  My type?  I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.]

BEN     Shit, I--

GEEK     [incoherent roar, as he leaves]

MUSIC

 

SCENE 11.     TREADMILL

AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet

MIA     [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think.  You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head.  Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right?

SOUND     SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL

[vocals have zombie noises under again]

TED     Hey Mia!

MIA     [sigh] Hi Ted.

TED     Funny running into you here.  Shove over?

MIA     Right.  Like I don't do this every day.  No room.

SHERI     Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted.

TED     [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little.  There's space next to you if you make room.

MIA     Sorry, Ted [she's not].  Been saving that for... Sheri.

SHERI     Huh?

TED     Sheri won't mind - will you?

SHERI     I - I guess not...

MIA     Oh, no Ted.  We have girl talking to do.  Bye-bye.  Hop up Sheri.

TED     Fine.  See you at end of shift?

MIA     [muttered] Not if I see you first. 

SOUND     TED FLOPS OFF

MIA     [up]  I don't know what you see in him, Sher.

SHERI     Neither do I.  Pheromones I guess.

MIA     Well, he does smell.

SHERI     [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes.

MIA     [ugh]  Hey, Sher, I gotta problem.

SHERI     Oh?  [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben?

MIA     No!  Why would you say that?

SHERI     Nothing.

MIA     Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound?

SHERI     Um.  The second one.

MIA     Kinda thought so.  O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem?

SHERI     [relieved] Sure!

MIA     I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it. 

SHERI     You mean...um...what you said he's missing?

MIA     Yeah.  All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up.  Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage.

SHERI     You live in a cage?

MIA     He means an apartment. 

SHERI     Oh.  Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one.  You see plenty of missing ones out there every day.

[NOTE:  they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive]

MIA     I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one.  Make him feel like a new man.  I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic?  In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones.

SHERI     They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones.  I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement.  And some of them get freakishly big.

MIA     Well, I found a place to get something real high quality.  Won't look fake at all.  They'll even tint it to match his skin.  And it won't rot or fall off.  Guaranteed to last.  Not even a nibble.

SHERI     It won't make him smell any better.

MIA     No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for.

SHERI     Someone with all their parts?

MIA     Oh, heck.  I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose.

SHERI     [hmm]  I could maybe loan you a little--

MIA     No, this guy charges a bunch.  I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know?

SHERI     Don't go there.  Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila!  You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left.  Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone.

MIA     [sigh] You're probably right. 

MUSIC

 

SCENE 12.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

AMB     SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE

SOUND     FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER

[note     Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene

TICK     You looking for me?

BEN     [gasp] [what?]

SOUND     STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER

TICK     Don't bother - just stand still.

BEN     [you're a - an intact?]

TICK     And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other.

BEN     [moan of acceptance]

TICK     Good.  Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here.

BEN     [slurpy gasp]

TICK     That's disgusting.  But I need a heap like you to front for me.  I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself. 

BEN     [Why me?]

TICK     My source says you're tough and desperate.  And stupid.

BEN     [stifled annoyed noise]

TICK     So maybe he's wrong. 

BEN     [I am desperate]

TICK     [snort]  Fine.  Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash.  On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me.

BEN     [What you need from me?]

TICK     I'll tell you when it comes up.  Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish. 

BEN     [It's illegal.]

TICK     [cajoling] They're nice and fresh.  [impatient] Fine.  Clock is ticking.  Tick tock.  Tick tock.  You even remember what "time" is, maggot?

BEN     [It's almost Christmas.  [beat] I'll do it.]

MUSIC

 

SCENE 13.     TREADMILL

SOUND     TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING

SHERI     You ever wonder what they do over there?

MIA     [lost in a daze] Hmm?  Over the wall?

SHERI      Yeah.  The [awed whisper] In-tacts?

MIA     Don't know.  Don't care.  Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone. 

SHERI     But you do believe in them, don't you?

MIA     Believe in them?  What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night.  They're as real as ... as... shoes. 

SHERI     Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when.

MIA     [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene.  I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything.

SHERI     You believe they carry people off, though?

MIA     Well, yeah - we've all seen that.  They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished.

SHERI     [awed] I saw one once.

MIA     A kidnapping?

SHERI     An in-tact.

MIA     [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air.

SHERI     [agreeing, distant] They are really fast.

MIA     [exasperated] Sheri!  Don't--

SHERI     I did, though!  I really saw one.  Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close.

MIA     [sighs, feels her pain]  Tell me about it?

SHERI     It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person.  Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything.  His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color.  I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away. 

MIA     [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird.

SHERI     [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me.

MIA     Oh, Sheri--

SHERI     Maybe that's why Ted won't love me?  Because I'm horrible inside?

MIA     Aw, Sheri.  [reassuring] We're all horrible inside.  And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one.  He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back.

SHERI     [sniff sniff]

MUSIC

 

SCENE 14.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

SOUND     BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH

GEEK     [you sure you don't want any of them?]

BEN     [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks.

GEEK     [Squeamish?  All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.]

BEN     I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm.

GEEK     [Fresher just means it'll last longer.  Nothing more.  You want your pay or not?]

BEN     [down] Yeah.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 15.     TREADMILL

SHERI     --you know that guy Sam I was dating?

MIA     [worn down] Yeah?

SHERI     And how he was always mouthing off about--

SOUND     WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT

MIA     [heartfelt] Oh yesss!  What a relief!

SHERI     [not getting it] Yeah!  Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam.

MIA     [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben.

SHERI     It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time?

MIA     [transparently lying] Sure!  Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow.

SHERI     What thing?

MIA     [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh--

SOUND     DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS

SHERI     What the--?

MIA     Come on!

SOUND     SLOW PLODDING.  LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING

MUSIC

 

SCENE 16.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

SOUND      SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET

ANDY     [distant] Ben!  Ben!

BEN     [sigh]

SOUND     PLODDING STOPS

BEN     Yeah?

SOUND     ANDY'S FEET APPROACH

ANDY     [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris!  Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken!

BEN     [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean?

ANDY     Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up!  What am I gonna do, Ben?

BEN     Andy, Doris is such a--

ANDY     I know I know.  She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her!  You gotta help me.  I'll do anything!

BEN     Let me take a look.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 17.     ALTERCATION

SOUND     LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS

MIA     What happened?

SHERI     Where's everyone going?

FRED     It's one of the overseers!

MIA     An in-tact?  What happened?

BOB     I seen the whole thing!  He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him!

SHERI     Oh no!

FRED     Oh, yeah!  He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there.

MIA     Isn't anyone helping?

BOB     What are you, some kind of pervert?  This is an [spits out the word] In-tact.  [excited] They're tearing him apart!

MIA     We should get out of here!

SHERI     B-but - They're gonna kill him!

MIA     [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it.  And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns.

SOUND     DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS

SHERI     But what if he's that same one I saw before?

MIA     By now - you probably wouldn't know him. 

MUSIC

 

SCENE 18.     ANDY'S PLACE

DORIS     [squeals piteously]

BEN     Yep, that's a bad one.  Twisted all up like this.

ANDY     Can't we do anything?

BEN     I'm no reconstructor.  Maybe some duct tape and a stick?

DORIS      [Squeals angrily]

ANDY     He's just trying to help, honeybuunny.

BEN     Yeah, chill honeybunny.

DORIS     [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.]

ANDY     [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to!

BEN     Jeez Andy... [sigh]  You'll pay me back?

ANDY     You know I'm good for it!  Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it.

BEN     [down] Sure.  I--

ANDY     Yes?

BEN     [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway.  [up] Here. 

SOUND     PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS

ANDY     What - is it?

BEN     Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it.

ANDY     [very quiet] Oh.  No.  Let's not go completely overboard...

MUSIC

 

SCENE 19.     OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER

SOUND     OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH

MIA     There you are - I was beginning to worry.

SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes"

BEN     [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day.

SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes"

MIA     [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it.

BEN     [muttered] I would if I could.

MIA     Hmm?

BEN     Nah.  Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up.

MIA     They better get her a good big leg.  She goes through so darn many.

BEN     Really? It's happened before?

MIA     Every couple of years.  I think the last time was before you showed up here.

BEN     I am such a sucker.

MIA     Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy.  That'd make anyone feel superior.

BEN     You always know just the right thing to say.

MIA     Can't help it.  We're in tune. 

BEN     Yeah, I guess we are.  About Christmas--

MIA     Don't worry - I love the boots!

BEN     Oh, the boots...

MIA     But only if you can afford them.  If you can't, I might be able to get them myself.  [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though.

BEN     [grim] I'll get them--

MIA     [sorry] I was just teasing.

BEN     Don't worry.  [softening]  Like I said, it's been a really strange day.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 20.     SEWER AGAIN

TICK     [really fast] Yeah what?

BEN     [slow gasp]

TICK     [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed]  What do you want?

BEN     Geek said you have another job?

TICK     Not so much a job as a favor.

BEN     Need money.

TICK     What happened to the packet I gave you before?  Never mind - don't want to know.  [speeding up a bit] Look.  I'm not some magic money tree.

BEN     Oh.

TICK     [slowing again]  See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it.  You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you.  Sound good?

BEN     [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor?

TICK     There you go.  [quick] not so damn stupid after all.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 21.     MIA'S APARTMENT

SOUND     ALARM CLOCK

SOUND      KNOCKED OFF TABLE

MIA     [just like at beginning]  I hate Mondays.

SOUND     DOORBELL RINGS

MIA     Huh?

MIA/Z     coming!

SOUND     BAREFOOT SHUFFLE

SOUND      DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY

MIA/Z     Hold your damn horses!

SOUND      DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN.

SOUND     BODY FALLS

MIA/Z     [annoyed] hey!

SOUND     FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR

MIA/Z     [scared] Who are you--?

SOUND     SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND

VOICEBOX     [mechanical voice]  You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday.

MIA/z     uhhh

VOICEBOX     Yes or no.  We ask yes or no questions.  Answer yes or no.

MIA/z     yesss.

VOICEBOX     Did you take part--

MIA/z     NO!

VOICEBOX     Did you see any of those who did?

MIA/z     [uncertain] no.

VOICEBOX     There was another female with you.  Did it see anything?

MIA     Sheri?

MIA/z     No.

VOICEBOX     Please identify this female.

MIA/z     No.

VOICEBOX     That was not a question.  Identify the female that was with you.

MIA     Yeah, right.

MIA/z     [incoherent moan]

VOICEBOX     Speak clearly.

MIA/z     Naaame isss [incoherent moan]

VOICEBOX     We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate. 

SOUND     STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN

MIA/z     ohh!

MIA     No!  that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening]

VOICEBOX     Last chance.  The name.

MIA/z     Naaame isss shhh-jerry 

VOICEBOX     Jerry?

MIA/z     [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh.

VOICEBOX     Good.  [commanding, disgusted] Let it go.

SOUND     BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR

MIA/z     [moans unhappily]

SOUND     FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY

MUSIC

 

SCENE 22.     SEWER

BEN     You want WHAT?

TICK     Not like you'll miss it.

BEN     I-I don't--

TICK     Hey, take it or leave it.  You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you.  I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me.

BEN     When you need?

TICK     [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when?  You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now!

BEN     Now...

TICK     Tick-tock.

BEN     [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah...

MUSIC

 

SCENE 23.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

MIA/z      [muffled whispered moans]

MIA      Psst!

SHERI     Mia?  What's with the getup?

MIA      Get over here!

SOUND     SHUFFLING

SHERI/z     [whiny querulous moan]

SHERI     What?

MIA      Ok, no one can see us--

SHERI     You look like a clown.

MIA      Shh!  Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you?

SHERI     In-tacts?  No!

MIA      They found me.  They'll find you.  They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot.

SHERI     Gary?  Why?

MIA      No-no-no-no!  I don't WANT to know who did it!  They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me! 

SHERI     [still not understanding it] Why?

MIA      They want to get the one who did it, I suppose!  They'll come after you!

SHERI     How will they know to come for me?

MIA      [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me?

SHERI     Oh!

MIA      So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill!

SHERI     [annoyed moan]

MIA     Well, I wanted to warn you. 

SOUND     MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING

SHERI     What's wrong?  Mia?  You're limping.

MIA     Nothing.  Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on.

SOUND     STUMBLING FEET APPROACH

SHERI and MIA     [gasping moans]

FRED     [gasp]  Oh, hey!  Don't tell anyone I'm here.

MIA      They found you too?

FRED     I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know?

SHERI     We saw it happen.

FRED     Woah!  You better hide.  Least for a while.  They're taking folks again.

MUSIC

 

SCENE 24.     MIA'S APARTMENT 

BEN     Mia?

SOUND     TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN

BEN     [worried now]  Mia?

TED     [off, questioning moan]

BEN     You Ted?

TED     yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer]

BEN     Where the hell's Mia?

TED     She took some stuff and left.  What's it to you?

SOUND     SHUFFLE TURN

BEN     I'm Ben.

TED     Ugh!  What the hell does she see in you?

MUSIC

 

SCENE 25.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE

MIA     [off a bit]  Ben?

BEN     [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What?

MIA     Ben - I'm over here.

BEN     Mia - don't look.

MIA     [almost laughing] What?

BEN     Please.

MIA     All right.  I'll close my eyes.

BEN     Thanks. 

SOUND     SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA

BEN     Why are you hiding?

MIA     I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me.  I don't know.

BEN     They're just full of surprises, aren't they?

MIA     Are they?

SOUND     MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER

BEN     Helluva way to spend the holidays.

MIA     It is Christmas, isn't it?  [beat]  Can I look now?

BEN     No!  [short barking laugh]  I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something.

MIA     I got you something!

BEN     Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed]

MIA     [concerned] What happened?

BEN     Some guy named Gary needed a new face. 

MIA     [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it.

BEN     Actually I did.  Take off your shoes.

MIA     [more panicked than should be] No!

BEN     Don't worry - I'll carry them for you.

MIA     No - I...  I kind of needed to make a trade too. 

BEN     Your leg--?

MIA     I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable.

BEN     Oh.  I hope ... [chuckles]  I hope you got something good for it.

MIA     [laughs a bit] 

SOUND     STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH

MIA     At least you kept your lips. 

BEN     Are you kidding?  Had to keep those - they're my best feature.

MIA     Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again.

SOUND     PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS

BEN     It's beautiful.

MIA     It's latex.  It won't rot or get chewed on by rats.  I think I got the right color, but now -

BEN     It's a fine nose.

MIA     Not too big?  I mean, I never saw you with--

BEN     It's perfect.

MIA     We should get going.  If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to--

BEN     Waitaminute.  Now you have to open yours.

MIA     Oh, you--!

SOUND     UNWRAPPING OF PAPER

MIA     The patent leather!

BEN     Yeah.  You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them--

MIA     It's just the one foot.

BEN     Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it.

MIA     Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip.  [ecstatic intake of breath]  This is the best Christmas ever!

BEN     You know?  I think you're right...  Here, take my hand.

MIA     [teasing sweetly] That's my hand.

BEN     Come on.  [grunt to help her up]

MIA     Which way?

[their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out]

BEN     A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it".  [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment]

MIA     Which wise man was that?

BEN     Um....

MIA     Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man?

BEN     Um - no.  I think it was... Richard O'Brien.

MIA     Who?

BEN     You know, the time warp guy.

MIA     Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months.

CLOSER

 "The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob.  The entire story is inspired by this.