Project Top Hat by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard Reissue of the Week)

once more, we return to the world of zombies....

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson

[warning - foul language]

*******************************************************************

Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.
 

Cast List
Fred - Leonard Streeper
June - Melissa Bartell
Dill - Mark Olson
Chambers - Dave Marshall
Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole
Landon Frost - Chris Barnes
Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson
Doctor - James Sedgwick
Nurse - Rachel Cavic
Interviewer - Russell Gold

Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com
Cover art by Julie Hoverson

INTERLUDES:
Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot
Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic
Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf
Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard
New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis
Life Insurance - Joe Stofko
Big Bob's - Richard Summers
Lecturer - Robert Cudmore
Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson
Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley
Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean
"Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett
Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia
Scam - Rick Lewis
Zombie Lib - Derek Koch
Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown

"What kind of a place is it?
Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?"

***************************************************************************************

 

Project Top Hat

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Landon Frost, TV show host

Pamela Frost, his wife

Fred and June

Doctor Plasmus, top researcher

Chambers - executive

Dill - less important executive

OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

SOUND      computer and lab noises

LANDON     [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble. 

FRED     How can they feed zombies to dogs?

JUNE     Ambulates make the food - prepare it.  It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause."

FRED     As opposed to "just cuz"?  [laughs]

JUNE     Hah.  That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited.

LANDON     [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family. 

JUNE     He's always busy.  Hardly ever gets to see them.

FRED     Oh, boo-hoo.  This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy?

JUNE     Don't forget taking his shirt off...  [chuckle]  But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela.

FRED     So?  He could retire.

JUNE     Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him.

SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF

FRED     [muttered exclamation] Oh shit!

SOUND     CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE

LANDON     [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑

SOUND     SWITCH, TV OFF

DILL     [coming in talking]  We should be able to improve the bottom line.

CHAMBERS     AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.  We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's...

DILL     Unfortunate accident?

CHAMBERS     [grim] Breakdown.

DILL     Ah.

CHAMBERS     I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt.

DILL     If it does, my butt will have your back.

CHAMBERS     What?

DILL     uh... nothing.  Dr. Plasmus is expecting us.

CHAMBERS     Plasmus?  What kind of a name is that?

DILL     Dunno.  I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets".  Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months.

CHAMBERS     [favorably impressed] MMmm.

DILL     And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat!

SOUND     DOOR OPENS

SOUND     MUSIC SCENE CHANGE

TV DUDE     [ON TV]  Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates?

ZOMBIE     Grr.

OLD LADY     [pleased] Cricket!

TV DUDE     Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own?

ZOMBIE2     [weird noise]

MAN     [smug] Cricket.

TV DUDE     Would you ever have them in the house without it?

WOMAN     Around my kids?  Forget it!

KIDS     Just CRICKET!

TV DUDE     Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line. 

TV DUDE      [quiet, rushed]  Results may vary.  Some side effects may occur.  No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.  Not available in all areas.  [up]  Get Cricket today!  Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation.

SOUND     MUSIC

SOUND     WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN

SOUND     ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES

PLASMUS     You're early.

DILL     Uh, no.  It's - um - six?

PLASMUS     It is?  Hmm.  Well, just let me finish this, and--

SOUND     BIG ZAP

CHAMBERS     What are you working on?

PLASMUS     Shh!

DILL     [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn’t multitask. 

CHAMBERS     What?

SOUND     ONE FINAL ZAP

PLASMUS     Done.  He means I do not work and talk.  When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole.

CHAMBERS     Uh, right.  So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now?

DILL     Gestalt isn't--

CHAMBERS     I KNOW.

PLASMUS     It was a bit of a joke?  [small dry chuckle]  Am I right?

CHAMBERS     Yeah.

PLASMUS     I thought as much.  I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.  Oh well.  Could be MUCH worse.  I could have an atrophied hippocampus!  [laughs riotously]

DILL     Uh, yeah.  [toady laugh]

CHAMBERS     That would be unfortunate, indeed.

PLASMUS     [stops laughing suddenly]  But you are not here for pleasantries.  You are here to see what I have wrought!

CHAMBERS     Aha!  So that's the smell in here.

PLASMUS     What?

CHAMBERS     Rot?

PLASMUS     [laughs]

MUSIC      SCENE CHANGE to TV

LANDON     What the fuck do you think you're doing?  You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush!  They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?  Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble? 

SOUND     MUSIC

DILL     So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint]

PLASMUS     Have you forgotten the name again?

DILL     [uncomfortable] No.  no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory.

PLASMUS     You should have warned me.  [sigh]  It is project top hat for a very simple reason--

SOUND     METAL CLANK

CHAMBERS     It looks like a top hat.  Original. 

DILL     And what does it do...?  [hinting]

PLASMUS     Stop doing that. 

DILL     Sorry.

PLASMUS     [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things.

DILL     [muttered] Zombies want things too.  That's part of the problem.

PLASMUS     Shush.  It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood".

CHAMBERS     None of this is news.

PLASMUS     I am setting it up.  So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn’t that improve their value?

CHAMBERS     [interested] Yessss....

DILL     Of course.

PLASMUS     So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands.

CHAMBERS     You specify "Corpse"?

PLASMUS     [pleased] Ah, you caught that.  [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate. 

DILL     You've seen the courtroom reality shows.

MUSIC

COURT REPORT     We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.  Missus Feinman,  Missus Feinman?  How do you feel about the jury's ruling?

MISSUS     Act of god, my eye!  My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck. 

MISTER     [zombie moan]

MISSUS     I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.  [sniffles]

COURT REPORT     [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure.  In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney.

MUSIC

PLASMUS     So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects. 

CHAMBERS     And--?

PLASMUS     Remove the head.  Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it.

CHAMBERS     You remove the head?  [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.  The Top Hat.

PLASMUS     I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.  Yes.  The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller. 

CHAMBERS     Can the body re-animate, without the head?

PLASMUS     Do you know how the ambi-twist works?

CHAMBERS     The what?

DILL     [muttered] The T virus.

PLASMUS     No, no!  That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal! 

DILL     Sorry!  That's what most people [call it].

PLASMUS     I don't want to hear it!  Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.  Animates are gentle.  Like kittens.

MUSIC

COMMERCIAL

AMB     GROCERY SHOPPING

SUSY     Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he?

MOMMY     That reminds me!  We need to pick up some chum!

ROLF     [eager zombie noise]

SUSY     He knows THAT word!

ANNOUNCER     Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand?

MOMMY     Is there a difference?

ANNOUNCER     Just ask Rolf!

ROLF     [sticky zombie eating noises]

SUSY     [laughing] Oh Rolf!

ANNOUNCER     Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum!

MUSIC

CHAMBERS     They're tame enough with the cricket.  If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it.

PLASMUS     And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.  Let me show you.

SOUND     CAGE OPENS

CHAMBERS     [horrified reaction] Oh!

DILL     ugh [bland]

PLASMUS     This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached--

SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK

PLASMUS     We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it.  It was designed for a human frame--

SOUND     COMMOTION OUTSIDE

PLASMUS     What is this?

SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN

JACKIE     All of you!  Over by the wall!  [to june and fred] Get in there!

FRED     Right, of course.

JUNE     Excuse me.  Just - um - going through.

CHAMBERS     Who the devil are you?

JACKIE     I'm the one with the gun!  And I said over by the wall!

DILL     She means it.  Move it!  Move it move it move it....

PLASMUS     But the dog--

SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK

SOUND     GUN SHOT INTO CEILING

JACKIE     And don't get any funny ideas.  I'm not alone.

CHAMBERS     [reasonable and placating]  Tell us what you want.

JACKIE     [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall!

SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK

DILL     Already here!

JUNE     Me too!

PLASMUS     Allow me to-- [take the dog]

JACKIE      Leave that poor thing!

SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK

JACKIE     That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to.

PLASMUS     Ah.  Activists.  [chuckling]

CHAMBERS     Don't mock the woman with the gun!

PLASMUS     Oh.  Of course.

JACKIE     And what's behind here?

PLASMUS     No! Don't!  It's not ready yet!

CHAMBERS     What IS it?

SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS

JACKIE     Mother of god!

MUSIC     SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY

POPSTAR     I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate. 

ZOMBIE     [pathetic moan]

POPSTAR     Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.  Can’t you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help?

MUSIC

CHAMBERS     Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this.

JACKIE     [horrified]  What have you done to this man?

PLASMUS     It is not a man.  It is a corpse.

JACKIE     It's moving.

PLASMUS     There's no one there.  As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of--

CHAMBERS     [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is.

PLASMUS      I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet.

JACKIE     [distracted and horrified] But why?

FRED     Hi-YAH!

SOUND     THUMP, SCUFFLE

DILL     Wow. 

SOUND     GUN GOES OFF

DILL     Stay back!

JUNE     [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred!

SOUND     SCUFFLE ENDS

FRED     Got her.

PLASMUS     Can I have her as a specimen?

JACKIE     You can't do that to me!

PLASMUS     Of course we could.  We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled.

JACKIE     NO!

CHAMBERS     That's a bit much, isn't it?

PLASMUS     [quiet] Drat.  [up] Heh-heh.  Of course.  Just a bit of - intimidation.  Hah.  Hah.

DILL     Right.

PLASMUS     What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.  Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on.

JACKIE     How the hell do you think you're doing that?

PLASMUS     Cutting off the head.  The body is still useful - as you can see.  It can be of service to the living.

JACKIE     The soul isn’t in the brain.  The soul is - the soul.  It will stay around no matter what.

PLASMUS     [derisive laugh]

MUSIC

SOUND     PARTY!

BRANDON     And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd!  They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive!  Whoo! 

ARIA     And the hottest thing this year is head swaps! 

BRANDON     [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria?

ARIA     That's right, Brandon!  You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?  They recently discovered that they can swap heads!  They say it's totally the ultimate!

BRANDON     Unless they sew it on backwards!  Man, that would be a pain in the ass!

ARIA     Yeah, but at least you could see your ass!

BOTH     [LAUGH]

MUSIC

CHAMBERS     Where's security when you need them?

JUNE     I just called them, sir.  Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections.

DILL     Must be how she slipped by. 

JACKIE     You won't get anything from me!

PLASMUS     I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention.

FRED     Gotcha.

JUNE     Oh, me?  Oh all right.

SOUND      SHE CROSSES

JUNE     What was it she was looking at, anyway?  [horrified gasp!]

PLASMUS     What's wrong?

JUNE     [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!  I just thought it - he - it - moved.

PLASMUS     Nonsense.  I haven't even woken the unit yet.  Get along.

JUNE     [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!  Come on!

FRED     What's wrong?

JUNE     [growl] Post traumatic stress!  Get moving!

SOUND     THEY LEAVE

PLASMUS     Some people simply cannot handle pressure.  Come have a look at my human automaton.

CHAMBERS     [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh. 

DILL     Nice physique!

CHAMBERS     You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc?

PLASMUS     [laughs flatly] No.  He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.  His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed. 

CHAMBERS     How did you get him so quickly?  The notice to the family won't even go through--

PLASMUS     [pissed]  I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!  And he is perfect! 

DILL     Ew.

PLASMUS     So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.  Besides.  He is an organ donor. 

MUSIC

INSURANCE     Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?  Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?  We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.  For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body.

MUSIC

SOUND     HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS

FRED     Whew.  Should we go back, do you think?

JUNE     [still bothered] I - I don't know.

FRED     OK, what's going on?

JUNE     Oh, Fred!  This is horrible!

FRED     It was just a gun.  I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway.

JUNE     Not that.

FRED     Then what?

JUNE     That body back in the lab?  That perfectly sculpted torso?  Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder?

FRED     Not my type.  Sorry.

JUNE     [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp]

SOUND     DOOR OPENS

MUSIC

LANDON     [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation. 

SOUND      CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT

LANDON     They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay.  Let's find out why.

MUSIC

CHAMBERS     [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit?

PLASMUS     [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours.

CHAMBERS     [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is?

PLASMUS     [shrug]  I read the driver's license.  Why?

DILL     [confident] We'll fabricate records.  Show it was cremated by mistake.  Apologize.  Give the widow some ashes and a check.

CHAMBERS     Sounds like you've done this before.

DILL     [smug] Things... happen. 

MUSIC

BOB     Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!  We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting--

ZOMBIE     [deep moan]

BOB     To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work.

GIRL ZOMBIE     [sexy moan?]

BOB     Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!  Trade-ins are always given full greybook value.

MUSIC

NURSE     I'm so sorry.  There's been a little mixup.  He's... um... missing.

PAMELA     [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of!

NURSE     But I--

DOCTOR     What seems to be the problem?

PAMELA     Are you the person I should be screaming at?

DOCTOR     Well, I don't know about that--

PAMELA     Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue.

DOCTOR     Just tell me - calmly - what this is about.

NURSE     It's her husband.

PAMELA     My husband's BODY, you mean!  [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]  He's missing.

NURSE     I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu.

PAMELA     AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!  Don't think you can pull that crap on me!

DOCTOR     Celebrity?  What was -uh, is - your husband's name?

MUSIC

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON     This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard.

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN

LANDON     Look at this hand.  Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.  [up]  They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars!

MUSIC

JUNE     Landon Frost!

FRED     What?

JUNE     I swear it was!  It's the snowflake on his shoulder.  He got it for his wife!

FRED     Oh.  That can't be good.  Should we ... tell them?

JUNE     Well...he IS dead.  Nothing'll change that.

SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN

PAMELA     I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over.

DOCTOR     But, but..

PAMELA     First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one.

DOCTOR     Why?

PAMELA     So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence.

SOUND     DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN

FRED     Is that--?

JUNE     [fatalistic] Oh boy!

MUSIC

LECTURER     We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.  With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it. 

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN

LECTURER     If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses.

MUSIC

DILL     [on phone]  So soon?  Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh.

SOUND     PHONE DOWN

CHAMBERS     What is it?

DILL     I - they--

PLASMUS     Quiet, please!  Time to turn it on!

DILL     This may actually be a very bad... thing

SOUND     A COUPLE OF ZAPS

SOUND     RUSTLE

CHAMBERS     Is that it?

PLASMUS     Do you need me to shout "it's alive"?

LANDON     [computer noise, not quite speech]

DILL     Ohhhh boy.

CHAMBERS     Does that thing make it able to talk?

LANDON     [machine, more gobbledygook]

PLASMUS     Ambulates have always been able to talk.  They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.  It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed.

DILL     [prompt] They're how much slower than humans?

PLASMUS     I said not to do that.

DILL     I was just asking,.  Really.

PLASMUS     They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.  That is why they have to be spoken to slowly.

LANDON     [machine] Fuck you!

PLASMUS     [chuckles] Or not.

DILL     [gasp] Is it supposed to do that?

CHAMBERS     I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality.

PLASMUS     I'm sure it is just something programmed in.  My computer expert has quite a sense of humor.

LANDON     [machine]  What the hell is going on?

PLASMUS     [worried now] Or... not.

DILL     This was supposed to make it docile! 

CHAMBERS     At least the thing is tied down.

SOUND     RIP OF RESTRAINTS

PLASMUS     [frightened] Or... not!

MUSIC

TEACHER     Turn to page 40.  The chapter on the ambi-twist.  Amy, will you start?

[grade school students, who read more or less well]

AMY     The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation.

BOBBY     With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people.

CORA     To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful.

DESMOND     But the ambi-twist went a bit awry.

[after a pause]

ELLIE     [whispered] You have to read more.

DESMOND     nuh-uh.  Not my fault it's a short sentence.

ELLIE     Fine!  [ahem]  The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own.

FRANK     Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime.

DESMOND     [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo

EVERYONE     [joking zombie groans]

MUSIC

NOTE     LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT

LANDON     Why so gob-smacked?  Where the fuck am I?

SOUND     THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS

PLASMUS     This is very bad. 

DILL     It's coming over.  Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too?

PLASMUS     [wry]  Of course.  What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders?

LANDON     Is anyone planning to answer me?

CHAMBERS     Look, you.  You've died and are now property.  Just lay back and shut up.

DILL     Oh boy.

LANDON     No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!  If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will. 

PLASMUS     [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies--

SOUND     SHOTGUN RACKING

PLASMUS     I would call this experiment a conditional success.

SOUND     SHOTGUN BLAST

MUSIC

HUSHED MC     And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps.  This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.  Oh!  She's on the first step!  Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.  Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.  [gareth bowley]

MUSIC

SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT

CHAMBERS     Holy cow!

PLASMUS     [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was?

DILL     You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?  I thought we were done for!

CHAMBERS     Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too.

PLASMUS     [dismissive] It's broken,  It's fine.  [up] We must follow it!

CHAMBERS     Get security on all the doors!

DILL     On it.

PLASMUS     Try not to hurt it!

CHAMBERS     Belay that order.  Take that thing down at all costs.  And definitely before it leaves the building!

MUSIC

SURVIVALIST1     I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.  Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit. 

SURVIVALIST2     Hell yeah.  Now on the chart behind me, you see a human--

SURVIVALIST1     or zombie--

SURVIVALIST2     right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.  Those are your standard  targets, right there.  The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone.

SURVIVALIST1     Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE--

SURVIVALIST2     Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it?

BOTH     [laugh]

MUSIC

AMB     HALLWAY

SOUND     ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE

JUNE     Why do I suddenly feel like a job change?

FRED     I'll help with the resume.  Let's scat. 

SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH

JUNE     Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here!

LANDON     Run, you little buggers!  I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open! 

FRED     Holy crap!

JUNE     Ssh!  Maybe it won't notice us!

LANDON     What are you looking at?

FRED     Too late!

JUNE     Please don't hurt us!

LANDON     Hurt?  HURT?  I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits!

FRED     Ruin, I can live with.

SECURITY     Stop right there!

SOUND     ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS

JUNE     Sock troops!

LANDON     [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Turning THEM against ME?

SECURITY     Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat.

FRED     Top hat?  What is he, a Batman villain?

MUSIC

MOVIE ANNOUNCER     He was a normal boring man.

NORMAL MAN     Hey honey - be late tonight.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER     With a normal boring Life.

NORMAL MAN     Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Until the day he died.

NORMAL MAN     Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk.

SOUND     THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE

MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon--

NORMAL MAN     [zombie moan]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER     --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey.

MUSIC

JUNE     [up, yelling] We're not with him!

LANDON     Toady.

JUNE     We DO work at Tammuz.

LANDON     This is Tammuz?

SECURITY     You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.  ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR.

FRED     Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere?

LANDON     My vision is ... strange.  [musing]  Tammuz.  The one place I could never get into...

FRED     Not surprising.

SECURITY     FIVE!  Get him!

JUNE     They won't shoot in here - too many things  might blow up. 

LANDON     What?  Helping me?

JUNE     I love - loved your show.

LANDON     Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon.

SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

FRED     Ow!

JUNE     What the heck?

SECURITY     I said get him, you maggoty turds!  Why are you stopping?

LANDON     huh.  Funny how I knew to do that.

MUSIC

NOTE     Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching.

EDNA     Edna's chum on the go!  Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum.  We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.  Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery! 

MUSIC

PLASMUS     They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!  Checkpoint X-14.  I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down.

SOUND     PHONE RINGS

DILL     I'll catch up.  You guys go on ahead.

CHAMBERS     Hah!  You're not weaseling out that easily.

DILL     One sec [to phone] Yeah?  Oh brilliant.  That's just the cherry on top.

SOUND     HANGS UP CELL

DILL     [annoyed] Guess what?

PLASMUS     [threat] I have a taser here somewhere--

DILL     Okay! Okay!  There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body.  And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to--

CHAMBERS     Oh IS she?  [chuckles]  We might be seeing daylight.  Come on.

MUSIC

NIGERIAN SCAM     With reverence I am contacting you.  I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.  I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead. 

MUSIC

SECURITY     Tell me you saw that, too.

FRED     You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet?

JUNE     Hamlin.

SECURITY     Yeah, that.  Good.  Now when I make my report, you two can back me up.

FRED     Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving.

SECURITY     I don't think so.

JUNE     Not Leaving leaving.  We have to get back to our -uh- posts.

SECURITY     That's different.  I'll give you an escort.

FRED     Oh, boy.

SOUND      DISTANT FOOTSTEPS

PAMELA     You!  You there!  I want a word with you!

FRED     Us?

JUNE     Him.  you.

SECURITY     Oh, me.  Yes ma'am?

PAMELA     You look like someone in charge here.  You will tell me where my husband's body is!

JUNE     Oh that.  He went thataway.

PAMELA     WHAT?

MUSIC

ZOMBIE LIB     If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.  Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.  Liberty for all!

MUSIC

SOUND     SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING

LANDON     I'm done fucking around.  You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side!

COP     I can't!  I-- the door is on autolock!  Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids--

LANDON     You stupid little shit!  I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this--

PAMELA     [off a bit] Landon?

LANDON     Oh my god.  Pamela?

PAMELA     What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head!

LANDON     It's some insane experiment.  I'm dead.

PAMELA     You can still see and hear me?  [wonder]  But you're not slowed?

LANDON     Yes, I--

[REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME]

COP     Sorry, sir, but I have to--

SOUND     SHOT

ZOMBIEDOG     Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying,

COP     Oh, shit.

LANDON     Give me a minute, dear.

PAMELA     [furious] Give me your gun.

LANDON     No need.

SOUND     WHISTLE

ZOMBIES     [attack]

COP     I was - I didn't - oh!

LANDON     Poor stupid animal. 

PAMELA     If not for that thing, you'd be dead.

LANDON     I'll take this.

SOUND     PICKS UP TOP HAT

CHAMBERS     [coming in]  No, we'll take that.  Both of them, in fact.

MUSIC

ZOMBIE MAN     Look at me.  Now look at your zombie.  Now look back at me.  Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?]

MUSIC

FRED     [quiet] back away, quietly.

JUNE     [quiet] If we can just get past the corner...

LANDON     Who the fuck do you think you are?

FRED     Helps that he's keeping their attention.

CHAMBERS     We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back.  YOU, on the other hand, are expendable.

LANDON     And you think I'm afraid of your gun?  If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me.

FRED     [quiet] I'm clear!

JUNE     Just a bit more...

SOUND     GUNSHOT

CHAMBERS     The next one goes into HER.

JUNE     [off] Her?  [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife.

LANDON     You wouldn't.

PLASMUS     You might want to consider--

CHAMBERS     Shut up - this is all your fault anyway.

PLASMUS     But--

LANDON     Get behind me, dearest.

PAMELA     He can't be mad enough to shoot me!

CHAMBERS     Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady! 

LANDON     She doesn’t mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon!

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER     We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.  What precisely was going on?

JUNE     It was pandemonium!  The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger.

Interviewer     Like the pied piper of hamlin?

JUNE     Or like spartacus.

FRED     And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost--

JUNE     We're not supposed to talk about that!

FRED     That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it?

JUNE     That's next week's interveiw - this one is live!

FRED     Oh shit.  Oh!

INTERVIEWER     Now that you've started, you might as well finish.  What happened next?

JUNE     [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive!

MUSIC

SOUND     GUNSHOT

LANDON     Bastards!

SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE

LANDON     [snarl] Bring me THAT one!

PLASMUS     Which?  Oh!

CHAMBERS     Stay back!

PAMELA     [expiring]  Landon?  It hurts!

LANDON     Hold on, dearest.  Keep breathing. 

SOUND     GUNSHOT

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS

CHAMBERS     Get out of my way, you maggots!

FRED     Come ON, June!

JUNE     I have to see how it ends!

SOUND     GUN SHOT

JUNE     [gasp]  Or not!

SOUND     ZOMBIES MOAN

PLASMUS     Let go! don't touch me!  Ew!  Does anyone have some purell?

PAMELA     [very weak]  Landon?  What- [gasp] what are you thinking?

LANDON     Is it hard to implant the top hat device?

PLASMUS     It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become--

LANDON     Take this.

SOUND     CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT

PLASMUS     What do you--?  [realizing] Oh.

MUSIC

INTERVIEWER     But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers?

JUNE     He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial. 

FRED     He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick.

JUNE     He was crying!

FRED     He's a computer.  I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.  Why would it get choked up?

INTERVIEWER     [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.  While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense.

MUSIC

SOUND     CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS

SOUND     [both are clearly computerized]

LANDON     Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us.

PAMELA     We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz.

LANDON     Know this - relief is coming soon.  For now, just walk away, wherever you are.  We'll find you.

PAMELA     And Merry Christmas, everyone.

SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE

SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE

END