Sword Kvetch by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical.

Cast List
Cael - Julie Hoverson
Amalan - Krystal Baker
Mazurin - Gareth Bowley
Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf
Prince Tupin - Abner Senires

Music:  Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen
Editing / Sound:   Julie Hoverson
Cover design:  Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a road through a
dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle"

________________________________________________

 

SWORD KVETCH

Cast:

Mazurin, Evil Wizard

Cael, Amazon Warrior

Tupin, Captive Prince

Gigli, Goblin

Amalan, Magic Sword

OLIVIA      What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell? 

MUSIC

AMB     SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS

SOUND     WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE

SOUND     HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER

CAEL     [sigh] Typical.

AMALAN     What?

CAEL     I could write a ballad already. 

AMALAN     Oh, no.  No, no, no - that's not your job.

CAEL     Shh.  I'm composing. [muttering to self]

AMALAN     [whispered] [sigh] Typical.

CAEL     Evil castle looms ahead....  Hmm...
Nighttime, need to rest my head--

AMALAN     You can't rhyme head with ahead.

CAEL     It rhymes, doesn't it?

AMALAN     [exasperated sigh]

CAEL     [vague threat] I'm getting another sword.

AMALAN     You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me. 

CAEL     [exasperated sigh]

AMALAN     And who could you ever pass me off to?

CAEL     Someone deaf.

MUSIC

AMD     ECHOEY CASTLE

SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN

GIGLI     [coming on]  Master!  Master!

MAZURIN     [distracted]  Mm?

GIGLI     Master!

MAZURIN     Shh-shh-shh.  [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi?

GIGLI     But master--!

MAZURIN     [tsks]  I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust.

GIGLI     [flat] Why?

MAZURIN     It's a vital transmutation.  A change like this could make a great deal of difference!

GIGLI     To a thirsty cockroach?

MAZURIN     No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change--

GIGLI     [sigh] Sir?

MAZURIN     --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture.  And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust!

GIGLI     Good.  Lovely.  Can I report now?  It's kind of urgent.

SOUND     FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC.

MAZURIN     [still distracted]  Uh - what?  Yes, of course, go ahead.

GIGLI     Are you listening?

SOUND     BOTTLE SET DOWN

MAZURIN     [distant]  Of course.

GIGLI     [exasperated] Oh!

SOUND     BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR

MAZURIN     What?  Why did you--?

GIGLI     Listening now? 

MAZURIN     [annoyed]  Yes, get on with it!

GIGLI     Someone is approaching the castle!

MAZURIN     [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses.

GIGLI     It's an Amazon!

MAZURIN     [mildly interested]  Oh, that's different.  [shrug]  Still, the defenses...

GIGLI     The moat monster is in labor.

MAZURIN     I thought it laid eggs.

GIGLI     Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it.  And it's not best pleased about it.

MAZURIN     Oh.

GIGLI     And the man-eating vines--?

MAZURIN     What?  I didn't do--  They're not giving birth, are they?

GIGLI     Think it through?

MAZURIN     What?

GIGLI     Man-eating vines?  Amazon warrior?

MAZURIN     [realizing slowly]  Oh?  Oh!

GIGLI     [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND     HOOFBEATS ON WOOD

AMALAN     Cael, I don't like this.

CAEL     You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle?

AMALAN     [sarcastic]  No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'.  Of course that's what I mean!  There must be a trap--

CAEL     I'll keep my eyes peeled.

AMALAN     Me too.

CAEL     You haven't any eyes.

AMALAN     Don't nitpick.

SOUND     HOOFBEATS STOP

SOUND     TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL

CAEL     [musing]  No reception committee.  No moat monster....  The gargoyles?

AMALAN     They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there.

CAEL     Well, then.

SOUND     DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS

SOUND     POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR

AMALAN     Subtlety.  I like it.

CAEL     It's what I do.

MUSIC

SOUND     DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR

GIGLI     [calling from off] Master!

MAZURIN     Stop banging, Gigli.

SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

GIGLI     [a little closer]  They're at the door!

MAZURIN     Tell them we don't want any.

GIGLI     [almost here] The Amazon?

MAZURIN     Oh, yes.  She got through the defenses--?  Oh, yes of course. 

GIGLI     What are you going to do?

MAZURIN     Oh, the usual.

GIGLI     [sigh, down]  Send me to find out what she wants?

MAZURIN     Good idea.  Let me know what she says.

MUSIC

SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR

AMALAN     If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses.

CAEL     The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle.

AMALAN     They might not know.

CAEL     Yes.  [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out--

GIGLI     [yelling from off, above]  Hail, warrior!

CAEL     Hmm.  Manners.  [up]  Who hails me?

GIGLI     I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer--

AMALAN     [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance?

CAEL     [side of mouth] Shh.  [up]  I have come to face your wizard.  Open the gate.

GIGLI     What is your charge?  Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage. 

AMALAN     Crooking tiers?

CAEL     [tiny sigh]  I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie--

AMALAN     With a minor in [shudder] songwriting...

CAEL     --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer--

AMALAN     [muttered] Ballbuster.

CAEL     [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage.

GIGLI     And my boss is supposed to care - why?

CAEL     The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours.

AMALAN     Excessive.

CAEL     And thus have I come to reclaim him.

GIGLI     Oh!  Right.  Hold on, I'll tell the wizard.

CAEL     Where'd he go?

AMALAN     Ducked behind one of those excrescences.

CAEL     I didn't see any of those.

AMALAN     [exasperated] The gargoyles.

CAEL     So we wait for the wizard to speak. 

SOUND     DRUMMING OF FINGERS

AMALAN     Oh, you're not--

CAEL     "Green and crooked, small and beady"...  [searching for a rhyme] beady?  Beeeee-dy.

AMALAN     Eyes are beady.  He was more... seedy.

CAEL     Ah!  "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady". 

AMALAN     [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND     SCRITCHING OF A PEN

SOUND     SLAPPING FEET RUN UP

GIGLI     [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off]  Sire!  She's here for him!

SOUND     DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS

MAZURIN     Him?  Oh, well.  That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and--

GIGLI     You can't just hand him over!

MAZURIN     Why not?  Then she'll go away.  Problem solved.

GIGLI     [exasperated sigh]  Tradition?  Ring a bell?

MAZURIN     Tradition?  Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like--

GIGLI     No!  But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness.  [muttered]  And so she'll keep him once she gets him.

MAZURIN     Oh.  I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks.  What does tradition say?

GIGLI     I'll make you up some note cards.  Want me to let her in?

MAZURIN     An... Amazon?  Don't they sleep in barns or something?

GIGLI     I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her.  I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner.

MAZURIN     I will?

GIGLI     Tradition.

MAZURIN     [pouting]  Fine.  Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes.

MUSIC

GIGLI     [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly.

SOUND     BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL

AMALAN     Roomy.

CAEL     Kind of dusty, isn't it?

AMALAN     Hard to keep help in an evil castle.

CAEL     [agreeing] Hmm.

SOUND     POOF!

MAZURIN     [booming voice]  Dusty?  Humph!

SOUND     POOF!

SOUND     WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER.

AMALAN     [doubtful]  Impressive?

MAZURIN     [muttered]  Oh, drat.

CAEL     [wiping her face]  Well, that's new.

SOUND     SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF

MAZURIN     [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on.

AMALAN     You could use it, back home.

CAEL     Shh.

AMALAN     You could finally get your quarters clean.

CAEL     Shh!

MAZURIN     What?

CAEL     Nothing.  [declaring]  Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed.  This is my quest.  [snarls]  Do not stand in my way.

MAZURIN     Oh, of course not.

AMALAN     What?

GIGLI     [hissed] Master!

MAZURIN     Huh?  Oh right - as long as-- um, you--

GIGLI     [whispered prompting]  Can overcome my challenges three.

MAZURIN     --Can overcome three challenges.

GIGLI     [muttered]  Close enough.

CAEL     Of course.  Name your challenges.

MAZURIN     [taken completely aback] Oh!  Well--

GIGLI     [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward]  My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days.  Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one.

CAEL     Morning?  Why not start now?

AMALAN     Tradition.

GIGLI     Tradition, milady.

CAEL     Fine.  What now?

GIGLI     Dinner?

CAEL     Hmm.  How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time?

MUSIC

SOUND     RINGING OF CRYSTAL

AMALAN     Well, it's a guy.

CAEL     He's... glass?

MAZURIN     Much less irritating that way.

GIGLI     [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt.

AMALAN     That's a lot of contempt.

CAEL     It’s rather a lot of prince.  Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front.  When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right? 

MAZURIN     That goes without saying--

GIGLI     After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh.  After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him.

CAEL     Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton.  And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him.

MAZURIN     Not really.

AMALAN     Nice.

CAEL     You said something about dinner?

MUSIC

SOUND     DINING

GIGLI     More port, sire?

MAZURIN     [dismissive] Yes, yes.  Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy--

SOUND     CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink

MAZURIN     Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him--

GIGLI     Your port.

MAZURIN     Over there, beside the battlefield.

GIGLI     [exasperated sigh]

SOUND     CUP SET DOWN.

MAZURIN     Where was I, oh yes, slow him--

SOUND     CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW

MAZURIN     --and eventually stop him.

SOUND     MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN

CAEL     [interested] Clever.

MAZURIN     Really?

CAEL     Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target.  So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like--

AMALAN     Garden gnomes?

CAEL     --like so many topiary.  Hmm.  Not bad at all.  I could even write a song about that.

AMALAN     Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass.

CAEL     Shut up.

MAZURIN     I didn't say anything.

CAEL     Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse--

AMALAN     I am not cursed.

CAEL     --of a sword.  It talks to me.

MAZURIN     Do you often hear weapons talk?

AMALAN     [snickers] 

CAEL     No, really.  Here--

SOUND     UNSHEATHES SWORD

CAEL     Say something.  [beat]  [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me.  [muttered] Don't make me look bad.  [up]  When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her.

GIGLI     Your sword is a girl?  Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive?

AMALAN     Big words from a goblin, bub.

CAEL     [heavy sigh] See?

MUSIC

SOUND     WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER

GIGLI      Sleep tight!

SOUND      DOOR CLOSES

CAEL     I can’t believe you would embarrass me that way!

AMALAN     Embarrass you?  Who called who cursed?

CAEL     No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed.

AMALAN     Oh.  That's different.

CAEL     How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now?

AMALAN     Who cares?  He's old.  And evil.

CAEL     He's not that old. 

AMALAN     And evil.

CAEL     [shrug]  That's his job.

MUSIC

SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET

MAZURIN     [roaring] Gigli?

GIGLI     Gurk! [deep breath, then bright]  Yes, master?

MAZURIN     What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that?

GIGLI     I --  I didn't--

MAZURIN     You called her a lummox!

GIGLI     She was... playing you, sire!  I was only defending your--

MAZURIN     What?  Playing what? 

GIGLI     Playing games.  You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever!  You're so smart!"  [normal] blech!  And you--

MAZURIN     [wounded] Of course people listen to me--

GIGLI     I don't.

MAZURIN     [huffy] You're just a familiar. 

GIGLI     [muttered] Don't remind me.  [up]  Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier. 

MAZURIN     What's wrong with that?

GIGLI     [sigh]  You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord. 

MAZURIN     Oh, I really don't--

GIGLI     --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you.

MAZURIN     [gasp of panic]

GIGLI     And when will you ever get anything done?

MUSIC

SOUND     PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL

AMALAN     So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors.  So what?

CAEL     It's dawn.  He said dawn.

AMALAN     Barely.  Sit.

CAEL     Nah.  I'm hyped.  I'm ready for something really difficult.  A good fight.

SOUND     POOF!

MAZURIN     The challenge is--

CAEL     [eager] Yes?

MAZURIN     Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know.

AMALAN     Ri-i-ight.

CAEL     Not gonna happen.

MAZURIN     I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--.

GIGLI     [hissed] Cunning!

MAZURIN     And cunning.

CAEL     And?

MAZURIN     And...?  [thinks] and... meanness?

CAEL     [sigh] And the challenge?

MAZURIN     Right.  You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard.

AMALAN     [eyeroll] Oh, jeez.

CAEL     [skeptical] Are you sure?

MAZURIN     Sure?

SOUND     SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS

MAZURIN     Um... yes.  That's the first challenge.

AMALAN     You wanna tell him, or should I?

CAEL     Ok, here's the deal.  I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster.

MAZURIN     Oh.  [whispered] Would that work?

SOUND     FLIPPING PAGES

GIGLI     Uh--  Yeah.

CAEL     Or I could--

MAZURIN     [whispered] I can go on to another one.

GIGLI     [whispered] Nah.  You can't switch horses in midstream.

CAEL     Is everything all right?

MAZURIN     [up] Just a moment!

AMALAN     Ka-ching!

CAEL     What?

AMALAN     You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard.

CAEL     I still don't think he's all that evil.

AMALAN     He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you.

CAEL     And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops--

MAZURIN     All right.  We've got this settled.

AMALAN     He lets his familiar be part of the decision process?

CAEL     I talk to a sword.  [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard?

MAZURIN     Well. [ahem]  Rather than have to restock my pond--

AMALAN     Boo-yah!

MAZURIN     --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning.

CAEL     What do we do for the rest of the day?

MAZURIN     [at a loss]  uh...  well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop?

AMALAN     Spare me.

CAEL     That would be fascinating.

AMALAN     No really, spare me!

CAEL     While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh.

MAZURIN     Oh, right.  Of course.

AMALAN     Couldn’t you leave me with the blasted goblin?  At least he can hold a conversation.

CAEL     Shut up.

MAZURIN     What?  Oh, right, the sword.  Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa?  Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night--

CAEL     Oh, is that what that was--?

MAZURIN     --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression.

MUSIC

CAEL     [singing, but a bit shaky]
the mighty warrior calms her rage
goes into the castle dark and drear
wond'ring what sort of wicked mage
might be he that liv-ed here
and whether she would see another day!

SOUND     LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

MAZURIN     [admiring] You wrote that just last night?

CAEL     I - I couldn't sleep.  It's not finished.

MUSIC

MAZURIN     I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things.  Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around?

MAZ and CAEL     [CHUCKLE]

GIGLI     [exasperated]  On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop?

MAZURIN     Dine?  But it's hardly even dark out--  Oh!  Well. 

CAEL     No wonder you keep lighting candles.

MAZURIN     I didn’t even notice, I was so caught up--

GIGLI     Din-ner?

MAZURIN     Of course. Of course.  Shall we?

CAEL     [stretching]  I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished.

GIGLI     And your sword?

CAEL     don't be silly.  Swords don't eat.  She's been awfully quiet, though.

AMALAN     I have been trying to ignore you.  You’re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord.

CAEL     What?

AMALAN     And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy.  He's enchanting you.

MAZURIN     Something wrong?

CAEL     No.  [thinking]  Nothing.

MUSIC

GIGLI     Sleep well.  Challenge at dawn.  All that.

SOUND     DOOR SHUTS

CAEL     Check me for magic.

AMALAN     Why?

CAEL     You're the one who said he's enchanting me.

AMALAN     I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker.

CAEL     So you don't really suspect a spell?

AMALAN     I don't see anything out of the ordinary.

CAEL     Whew.  That's a relief.

MUSIC

SOUND     BANGING ON THE DOOR

GIGLI     Rise and shine!  It's dawn.

SOUND     DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

GIGLI     Hello?  Hmm.

SOUND     FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM

GIGLI     Must already be down there...  [mischievous]  We-e-e-ell. 

SOUND     PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS

GIGLI     Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies.  Lace would ride up something fierce.  What's this?

SOUND     PARCHMENT UNROLLS

GIGLI     [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she?  Blah blah blah.  "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!"  [tsks, then truly rueful]  Boss ain't gonna like this.

MUSIC

MAZURIN     The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway?  [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses.

CAEL     OK.  But this one's going to be easy too.

AMALAN     Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp?

MAZURIN     Oh?

CAEL     Course.  I've spent my entire life around the royal stables.  Horses like me. 

MAZURIN     Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more--

CAEL     Nonsense.

MAZURIN     Nonsense?

CAEL     Silly!  First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep.  And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned.  Which way?

MAZURIN     Oh, um, I'll take you there.

SOUND     FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS

CAEL     That would be lovely.  Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help?

MAZURIN     I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but--

CAEL     Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

MAZURIN     But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals--

CAEL     Oh, he's not who I was thinking of.

MAZURIN     What, who, then?

CAEL     Nuh-uh.  Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away.

MAZURIN     [enjoying the byplay]  Shall I guess?

CAEL     Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you.

MAZURIN     All right.  Yes.  You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you.

CAEL     [laughs]  Fine.  You wanna help?

MAZURIN     Me?

CAEL     I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft...

MAZURIN     Oh!  [laughs himself] Oh, yes!

AMALAN     [disgusted] Oh, gods.

MUSIC

GIGLI     No, no, no, no, NO!  She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part?

MAZURIN     You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain.  What do you think of my beard?

GIGLI     Your beard?  Why?

MAZURIN     I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing.

GIGLI     [disgusted] Dashing?

MAZURIN     Makes me look a bit of a rakehell.  Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe?  I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.]

GIGLI     Oh, you moron!  [sigh]  She's supposed to marry the prince.

MAZURIN     [hum cuts out with a gasp]  wh-wh-whatever do you mean?  [Blustering, trying to laugh] What?  Ha-ha-ha.  [losing momentum, starting to wind down]  What did you think I was ... doing?

GIGLI     I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear.  She has to get the prince back and marry him.

MAZURIN     She has to--

GIGLI     Said "Princess Cael" big as life. 

MAZURIN     Oh.

MUSIC

SOUND     CAEL GETTING DRESSED

AMALAN     Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it.  No one likes a smelly Amazon.

CAEL     Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise? 

AMALAN     Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions?

CAEL     Um, yes...

AMALAN     The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes?

CAEL     [overly casual]  Yes.  Did I pack it?

AMALAN     I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?"

CAEL     Drat.

AMALAN     How can you stand him?  He's so dull!

CAEL     Dull?  What do you mean?

AMALAN     I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes.  Turning locusts to aspic.  That was much more boring.

CAEL     It was not.  It's important magic.  He's very clever.

AMALAN     Clever like a fox.  No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it.  I means he's deliberately being disarming,

CAEL     Speaking of disarming...

SOUND     BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND

AMALAN     What are you doing?

CAEL     Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you.

AMALAN     What?

CAEL     No reason I'd need a sword at dinner.  Even with an evil wizard.

MUSIC

SOUND     EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES

MAZURIN     [heartfelt heavy sigh]

TUPIN     [mouth full]  So where's this princess?  She one of those who likes to make an entrance?  Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh?  Is she  hot? 

GIGLI     [muttered] I'd actually forgotten--

SOUND     BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

MAZURIN     [deeply affected - she looks good]  Oh.

TUPIN     [eating stops, swallow] That her?  Man, she's kinda chunky.  And old.

GIGLI     Oh, for a hammer.

SOUND     [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER

MAZURIN     [barely able to talk]  You look - very nice.  Very.

TUPIN     Aren't you a little underdressed? 

CAEL     I - who? [whispered] Who is that?

GIGLI     You don't recognize him? 

CAEL     Oh, the prince!  Greetings, your highness.  So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down. 

MAZURIN     Have a seat, milady?

CAEL     Thank you so much, kind sir.

TUPIN     I don't have to stand.  I'm royalty.

CAEL     What?

TUPIN     That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything.  Princes don't have to stand.

GIGLI     [whispered] Please let me leave, boss.  I'm gonna kill him.

CAEL     I didn't mean anything--

MAZURIN     [whispered] Go, then.

GIGLI     As you command.

SOUND     QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR

TUPIN     Well, you sounded very critical.  I don't put up with that from anybody.  Not even other royalty.

MUSIC

SOUND     DOOR OPENS

AMALAN     Who's there?

GIGLI     Where is it...?

SOUND     SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH

AMALAN     Unhand me!

GIGLI     Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword...  Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle]

AMALAN     Prince Tupin?

GIGLI     Yeah.  What a prize.

AMALAN     That bad?  Is he - of course!  He's awake, isn't he?

GIGLI     Unfortunately.

AMALAN     Oh, man, and I'm missing it. 

GIGLI     If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar.

AMALAN     Nah.  She's under strict orders.

GIGLI     Yeah, I know.

AMALAN     You know.... what?

GIGLI     Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things.  He was really disappointed, you know.

AMALAN     Disappointed?  Your master?  Why?

GIGLI     That your princess will be marrying the prince.

AMALAN     Big whoop.  She has to marry someone.  Besides, it's years off.

GIGLI     Yeah, but he--  Nothing.

AMALAN     He what?

GIGLI     It's kind of amazing, really.  Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell.  And then finding out she's spoken for.

AMALAN     He's interested in the princess?  That's kind of creepy.

GIGLI     Why?  He may be a wizard, but he is a man.

AMALAN     Perv.

GIGLI     Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes.  You should be more supportive.

AMALAN     You're a perv too.  The princess is only 13! 

GIGLI     [blink blink]  She's really tall, then.

AMALAN     Huh?  Have you even seen the princess?

GIGLI     [halting]  Your... lady warrior?

AMALAN     Oh, heck no.  The princess Cael is-- Oh!  You thought my boss was the princess?  Gads!  Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight?

GIGLI     Oh?  Oh!  I've got to tell him!

SOUND     SLAPPY FEET

AMALAN     Wait!  You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up.

GIGLI     [snorts]  He wouldn't know how to begin.  Short of turning her to aspic...

MUSIC

CAEL     With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks.

MAZURIN     [a bit negative] Back?

CAEL     Yes. 

MAZURIN     [grumpy] Why?

CAEL     [a bit deflated]  To... return the horses?

MAZURIN     Oh, of course.  [lying badly] I may not be here.  I have a big trip coming up.  But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep...

CAEL     [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them.

SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN

GIGLI     Sire!  There has been a grave error!

MAZURIN     [sharp]  What?

GIGLI     It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince?

CAEL     He fell asleep.  I think he ate too much.

GIGLI     [chuckles] I'll bet.  Good one, sire.

MAZURIN     What is your news, mannikin?

GIGLI     Ah, yes.  Um, can you come over here, maybe? 

CAEL     I can... leave.

GIGLI     No!  [urging] Master?

MAZURIN     Just spit it out. 

GIGLI     [whispered] She's not the one.

CAEL     Not the one what?

MAZURIN     Not?  What? 

GIGLI     Arrying-may the ince-pray.

CAEL     Your goblin has lost its mind.

MAZURIN     Not marrying the prince?  You're not marrying the prince?

CAEL     Me?  Oh, gods no!!

MAZURIN     But he saw--

GIGLI     Princess Cael is marrying him.

CAEL     Yeah.  She's my cousin.  It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday.  Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then?

MAZURIN     Not you?

CAEL     No.  [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him.  Besides, he's years younger than me.

MAZURIN     Then you can marry anyone you want?

CAEL     Once I successfully complete my quest.  That's kind of why I took it.

MAZURIN     [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind?

CAEL     [suddenly shy]  No.  Why?

MAZURIN     Nothing.  Just--

GIGLI     This is disgusting.  Just kiss her. 

CAEL     But there's a third test--?

MAZURIN     Oh, yes...

GIGLI     [eye roll]  The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win.  Kiss her.

MAZURIN     [excited]  Can we do that?

GIGLI     The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored.  ...And tradition.

CAEL     We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest.  There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back.

GIGLI     Now there's an idea...

MAZURIN     Perhaps an escort would be helpful?  Hmm?

CAEL     ...and a cart.  Then he could sleep the entire trip!

GIGLI     Poor princess.

CAEL     She throws things.  I think they're actually well matched.

MAZURIN     [giddy]  Well, perhaps a toast?

CAEL     And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime.

MAZURIN     Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip.

GIGLI     [disgusted moan]

END