Is He an Addict or Just an A**hole?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? [3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? [7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? [12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already...
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Regaining Trust After Relapse
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past? [4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation? [9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent...
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Healing Attachment Wounds with Troy Love
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Troy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go? [6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying? [10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should know about? [17:09] Will I ever be able...
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Rebuilding Trust Through Connection
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity. [3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments? [4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs? [8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust? [16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is...
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Betrayal Brain with Debbie McRae
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. ...
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Supporting Your Partner Through Their Recovery Is Not Your Job
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play? [7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves. [12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out? [18:56] Acknowledging the...
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Honor Your Boundaries So You Aren’t Betraying Yourself
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace. [5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out? [9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior. [11:32] Healthy goals for a successful...
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When the Betraying Partner is in Recovery Limbo with Debbie McRae
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means. [4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior. [7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery. [9:23] Six...
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Should I Stay or Leave?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment...
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How Can I Rebuild Trust?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? [6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? [10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? [14:04] I...
info_outlineEvery recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?
[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.
[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.
[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.
[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.
[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.
[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.
[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.
[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.
[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.
[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?
[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?
[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.
[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
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“Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”
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“Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”
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“All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”
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“Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”