Is He an Addict or Just an A**hole?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? [3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? [7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? [12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already...
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Regaining Trust After Relapse
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past? [4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation? [9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent...
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Healing Attachment Wounds with Troy Love
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Troy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better. TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go? [6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying? [10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should know about? [17:09] Will I ever be able...
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Rebuilding Trust Through Connection
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity. [3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments? [4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs? [8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust? [16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is...
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Betrayal Brain with Debbie McRae
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. ...
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Supporting Your Partner Through Their Recovery Is Not Your Job
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure. TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play? [7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves. [12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out? [18:56] Acknowledging the...
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Honor Your Boundaries So You Aren’t Betraying Yourself
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace. [5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out? [9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior. [11:32] Healthy goals for a successful...
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When the Betraying Partner is in Recovery Limbo with Debbie McRae
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal. TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means. [4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior. [7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery. [9:23] Six...
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Should I Stay or Leave?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment...
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How Can I Rebuild Trust?
Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction
Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? [6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? [10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? [14:04] I...
info_outlineDr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024.
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language.
[5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field.
[7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field?
[9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field?
[11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field.
[13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult.
[15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point.
[20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them.
[24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process.
[27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break.
[32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment?
[37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn’t he just say so?
[38:12] We just got back together and now I’m experiencing abandonment trauma. What should I be focusing on to feel healthy?
[41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife’s wishes?
[45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field?
[48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery?
[49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don’t check in with her. Is this normal in recovery?
[51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don’t believe it’s real?
[53:45] My husband doesn’t think he’s dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: [email protected]
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
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“We’re not going to do anything perfectly, but if we’re willing, we stand a chance.”
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“You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.”
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“If you’re not engaged you may as well be on another field.”
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“Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse’s pain.”
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“If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re going to get just the opposite.”