#84: Resentment

This week we are talking resentment, iced tea, hand towels and dealing with Shelley’s mic situation.  I promise that is going to go away in future episodes - I didn’t realize that I am touching the mic so much!!!

 

I didn’t realize until about a year ago that resentment is a HUGE part of what he struggles with and has to untangle in his recovery process.  Specifically resentment toward her.  Literally - I had NO clue.

 

Our working definition of resentment:  demands equanimity and justice, used as a weapon, rooted in vows unfulfilled - and finally - projected at another person.  Ultimately - there is an urge (when feeling resentment) for the other person to make it right.

 

I really appreciated when Jason said:  “Resentment is largely connected to our core wounds. The things I resent you most for is most closely tied to the ‘I' that is biggest for me.”  If the core wound is powerlessness - there will be resentment where it feels like there is loss of control, if the core wound is insignificance - there will be resentment where he feels unseen, rejected or misunderstood.

 

We divided resentment into two types for our conversation:  false resentment and valid resentment.

 

False resentment - a projection of resentment onto her, essentially blaming her for the resentment (or deep disappointment) he is feeling.  Three types of false resentment:

- I resent me and project it onto you.

- I’ve violated one of my vows and I’m projecting resentment onto you.

- I’m bargaining and projecting the resentment bubbling up onto you.

 

Valid resentment - legitimate hurt that is not tended to that eventually turns to bitterness and resentment.

 

What’s important is to pause anytime resentment is experienced - and consider what is at the root of it - if it’s valid resentment - we work toward grieving and forgiveness.  If it’s false resentment we work toward naming what is under the resentment, holding off on not blaming her, and rather dealing with what is at the root of the false resentment.

 

False resentment perpetuates the powerlessness, insignificance and incompetence that he is experiencing.  See how we are now chasing our tails?!  Thus - the false resentment is so important to watch for and name.  (I feel like we could also call it toxic resentment.)

 

At the very end of the episode - I ask Jason - is resentment typically used as an excuse for the acting out?  And Jason said yes.  I feel like we opened up another can of worms at the very end.  And to bring these show notes full circle - I just want to go organize my hand towels and wonder why in the world it took me 21 years to see how much his resentment plays into the process.

 

Learning with you, every step of the way.

 

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