#98: The 90/10 Principle
Redemptive Living Radio
The 90/10 principle simply means that 90% of the work of relational rebuilding is a husband’s responsibility post betrayal (+ 100% of a husband’s personal work). That 90% means going first, leading the process, holding the weight of the brokenness in the relationship, engaging, initiating, following through, amending, living forgivable and working on being trustworthy. The 10% that is a wife’s work in the beginning is simply showing up and being a willing participant in the process, grieving, watching, waiting, navigating boundaries and needs, and finding a sense...
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#97: His Processing - Personal Not Private
Redemptive Living Radio
As I listen to the first part of this episode, I am so thankful we aren’t where we were five months ago with our little puppy. I will say - we are still considering getting rid of him because while he is much easier for us than he was five months ago, he is still a LOT. I was giggling with how I was pronouncing words like diarrhea and nope. Don’t mind me! In this episode, we wanted to talk about this concept that his recovery, and more specifically his processing is personal but not private. Jason talks about some men are told that certain things shouldn’t...
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#96: Lying - Part 2
Redemptive Living Radio
We are back with part 2 of the lying episode. We jump in to talking about what helped Jason stop lying: #1 - Brute force effort to be honest as well as brute force effort to fight the addictive voice inside of him. (Jason said he would argue internally with the man he was fighting to become versus the old, addictive self pulling him back.) #2 - He came to a place of determination that he could handle the fall out. Out of this shift came one of Jason’s core recovery mantra’s: I’d rather lose you than lie to you. I chime in (and possibly take the convo in a different direction) and I talk...
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#95: Lying - Part 1
Redemptive Living Radio
We are starting to come to the final bend in the road for Season #7, before we take a break. In this episode - we talk about lying - something that comes up a lot with the gals I connect with on Instagram as well as one of the things that was posted more than once in the question box on IG when I asked for podcast suggestions. What I always say is: women are willing to do the excruciating work of healing from betrayal - but the lying is what becomes an impasse. Here is what we are going to walk through: 1 - What lying looked like for Jason growing up. 2 - Why we lie. 3 -...
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#94: A Story of Fortitude - Part Two
Redemptive Living Radio
Hey Guys - We are so grateful for Emma’s willingness to share her story. This is part 2. SO much richness in this episode - from Thomas’s brokenness and guttural crying to Emma’s vulnerability to the 2nd disclosure and Emma’s awareness of having to move the wall around her heart accordingly. To Thomas’s ultimate willingness and of course - as mentioned in the last show notes: Emma’s fortitude and not accepting less. Emma references a verse that Jason shared with her from Isaiah - hope to the hopeless. She is referring to where it says - “but...
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#93: A Story of Fortitude - Part One
Redemptive Living Radio
We are thrilled to have Emma Berry with us on the podcast today! Emma shares her side of the story with us both this week and next and we are so grateful she was willing to walk us through the ups and downs of her process with her husband, Thomas. (See links below for Thomas’s side of the story, from several seasons back.) Ladies - what I want you to be listening for is the fortitude Emma shows through the ebbs and flows. Fortitude literally means strength under pressure and I believe it’s one of the key ingredients in being able to set boundaries well and also navigate...
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#92: Doing the Work Out of the Wounds
Redemptive Living Radio
On this episode, we wanted to unpack what it looks like for men to do recovery out of the wounds (versus living recovery and not making everything about the wounds). Jason starts with explaining a bit more as to what he means by this: in the addiction (or integrity issue) - men are operating out of the wounds. In other words - the acting out mitigates the pain of the wounds. The same can happen in recovery - the recovery work mitigates (or is driven by) the wounds. I asked Jason to give an example from his own life (from early recovery). For instance - him wanting to be seen (to feel...
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#91: Sure Signs of Progress
Redemptive Living Radio
On the heels of talking about some of the markers that may point toward him not living with integrity (while in recovery) - we wanted to talk about three things that show sure signs of progress: The easiest one to see with our eyes is: humility. This can look like fast acknowledgements and apologies for doing something wrong as well as fast acknowledgment of continued hurtful habits. Bonus: moving from the things I AM guilty for to what I am LIKELY guilty for. Second - personal accountability to include: radical ownership for lack of follow-through, fewer excuses,...
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#90: Signs He May Be Acting Out
Redemptive Living Radio
In this episode, we are talking about signs that he may be acting out. I have a lot of women that wonder (post discovery) - how will I know if he is acting out? What if I miss the signs? This episode is for you - AND - we have one bit of caution: we are NOT trying to insert unnecessary doubt into your mind. What we share here are potential indicators. A collection of things that we have seen as red flags prior to confirmation of his acting out. In addition, you want to look at these as a whole. Okay, here we go - signs he may be acting out:...
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#89: Staying with Dignity
Redemptive Living Radio
We go back to a listener question, this one from IG where a woman asked: how do I stay with dignity when the acting out was so extensive. I’ll be honest - as I listen to this episode, I think there is SO much more we could have shared and we didn’t. I’m making the choice to push it out but read these show notes for some of my additional thoughts that weren’t included in the audio. Where my mind goes initially is to work at untangling any “judgments” (and I don’t say that word in a negative way, think: opinion) or preconceived notions you have about women...
info_outlineHi y’all, you get the B team for the show notes on this episode! Jason here, trying to take up the slack, so these notes will be from my perspective not Shelley’s this time.
Listener Question #1 : How do I help my wife be close to me again?
With this question, we first have to remember that she may not be ready to be close again. If that’s the case, our efforts to draw her close will feel manipulative and selfish. Second, we have to challenge our motives and scrutinize if this is a) about sex, and b) about us. Once we’ve established that she does in fact want to figure out how to be close again, and that we aren’t focused on sexual and physical intimacy, and we’re not making it about us, here are a few things we have to ask ourselves as husbands:
- “am I intentionally creating safety?”
- “am I creating intimacy (especially outside of sexual)?”
- “how can I communicate with my words what I want to communicate with my body?"
Listener Question #2 - 28:15 - What tips do we have for men who can’t see the need for help?
This is a painful question. My hunch is it’s from a wife, whose husband refuses help. If you’re in that boat, I’m sorry. We talk about how this is both a spiritual/faith issue, as well as an arrogance and pride issue.
A short bible study here...We reference the following verse: Matthew 5:48 - "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” The word perfect in this verse is the greek word, teleios, which means "of mind and character, one who has reached the proper height of virtue”. It is often misquoted to mean sinless perfection, which for me (Jason) meant a feeling of perpetual failure. Blah. I love what Charles Spurgeon (an English pastor in the mid-late 1800s) says of this:
"Rise out of ordinary manhood. Get beyond what others might expect of you. Have a high standard. Stretch towards the highest conceivable standard, and be not satisfied till you reach it."
We have to be careful that we don’t become tangled up in the barbed wire of our own ego!
Here are the key takeaways for both husband and wife:
Takeaway for a husband: ask 3 people in your life if they see anything you could work on as a man, a leader, a christian, a husband, etc. and prepare your heart to receive it.
Takeaway for her: is him getting help in this specific area an absolute non-negotiable for her? If so, you’ll need to confront the issue head-on. We reference Matthew 18:15-16 - If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ Nothing about this is pleasant or easy. Husbands, please see that if she is backed into this corner it only serves to add insult to the betrayal injury.
We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #7.
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