49: Coming Out 101

It’s PRIDE Month! 

• There’s no rush
• Take your time 
• Everyone has their process and you have the right to have your own 
• Learn yourself… learn you are. It takes time. I’m still learning things about me
• You have so many levels to learn and discover about yourself

 

Admitting It To Yourself

• When did you first know?
• Understanding your sexuality & attraction (it is a spectrum) 

 

How To Come Out

• Make sure your safety isn’t at risk. 
• • Looking back I did it while I knew I was about to go off to another semester at school
  • Life was screaming at me to do it
  • You get this urge where you don;t want limited love or how you can see people around you be happy but “you can’t” 
  • I know this still happens because I get your messages
  • I found a strength within that said IDGAF. Everyone can go. I only want what’s real. You can have the half love stuff. 
• Plan for safety, and anticipate consequences. Have a backup
• You’ll have a wide range of reactions. Relieved, shocked, understanding, sad, loving, or angry
• Be slow to react. Observe how people treat you and what they say.
• Choosing the right time. Something that's calm, private, and not rushed. 
• Keep the conversation short. If the conversation becomes too emotional, it's okay to walk away.
• You won’t be able to answer every question, comfort every concern, or resolve every worry in the first conversation. 
• Plan what you’ll say. This won’t be an easy conversation so consider writing down what you want to say.

 

How To Respond

• If it goes well, communicate with love and appreciation. Use words like “Thank you for…”  or “I love you so much.” Speak from the heart. 
• If they have questions or are confused, empathize and offer information. Tell them you don’t have all the answers. Be sure to offer some resources to educate.
• If they care enough they will educate themselves too
• If they’re angry or upset, reassure, set boundaries, or end the conversation. Let them know you still love them and don’t want to fight them.  

 

Misconceptions

• The people you come out to easily make the situation about themselves. 
• It has nothing to do with them.
• Do not allow anyone to take this moment from you 
• Disclosing you sexuality is your business 
• • I remember being so harassed about it 
  • Now I know why. 
  • So that I can help you in your process
  • Wishing I had someone to turn to to answer some of these questions 
• If being gay, taught, or caught…. Would the same go for being straight. Shouldn’t I have been influenced to be straight. It's as natural as breathing. 
• Disney movies and shows display it all the time and yet I’m still gay. So if it was taught where did it come from. 
• Even with sexual abuse it doesn’t determine a person’s sexualtiy

 

Common Questions: 

• When did you know?
• When did you tell? 
• Why did you tell? 
• Who was the first person you told? 
• • Why him? 
  • (I didn’t feel safe) 

There was no counseling for young black gay men.

No one sat you down and gave you advice

Aunt Marie would talk to you and tell you things indirectly

 

Pressures 

Had to make up for whatever Greg lacked in

 

Haitians are big on appearance and perception so you feel like you had to over achieve

 

Emotional Aspect

You definitely feel a weight lifted, but the beauty of the community is there's a spectrum and everyone should be respected. If you are fem, masculine, in between, like make up, gowns, or trans. This is your life, your business. Don’t allow anyone to condemn who you are. There is beauty in individuality and it's meant to be celebrated. 

Honorable Mentions

 

Its funny how (Black) families would disown the gay relative, but protect the abusing uncle.

 

Positives: Learn to really love yourself. Felt like all you had was You. Give yourself the risk of losing everything and everybody. Your mindset was at least ‘I Have Me’

 

Didn’t see many openly black gay men, so believed you didnt have many options at finding love. 

 

 But you believed there was more for you. 

 

Informed more about healthy sex practices. But not informed on the emotional haul it has on you.

 

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