Michael: Hello and welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I am Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.
Michael: And we would like to start episode six with our first foray into serious drama.
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“Genetic Asshole”
*The expecting parents are arguing amongst themselves as we open. They don’t acknowledge the receptionist.*
Receptionist: The doctor will be right in...the person you’re here to see…will see you...in a moment...if you care...you’re not listening. Ok.
*The Doctor knocks and enters.
Dr: Nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Hoyt.
Mr: Hey Doc, How ya doin’? Eileen do you wanna sit on the left or the right?
Mrs: (Annoyed exhale) The left.
Mr: Well I would like the seat closest to the window.
*They continue bickering.*
Dr: Would either of you like my seat? I really don’t care.
Mrs: I would. Thank you.
Dr: Oh, you...actually wanna...sit behind...my desk. No problem.
Mr: Sorry doctor. She’s what you in your profession would call--difficult.
Dr: No, no, it’s...it’s quite alright.
Mrs: I’m just gonna move all these files outta the way.
Dr: Oh, could you at least keep them in orrr….
*The doc’s files get tossed aside*
Mr: Just throw them on the floor honey, it’s fine.
Mrs: You were saying?
Dr: Now Mrs Hoyt you are about six months along with what all signs indicate is a healthy, developing boy.
Mr: Oh, thank God.
Mrs: Don’t thank him yet, there’s obviously a “but.”
Mr: I don’t think...is there a but?
Mrs: Of COURSE there’s a but. Have you ever spoken to a human before?
Mr: Don’t get shitty with me just because you’re nervous about YOUR test results.
Mrs: He’s going to be your son too, so--if you want him to come out stupid…
*They bicker with no self-awareness for a few seconds before the Dr interrupts.*
Dr: Mrs. Hoyt was right. There is a “but.” It’s very common, but also very serious.
Mr: (To Mrs--Still bickering) Excuse me, honey, can you let the men talk??
Mrs: Oh my God!
Dr: Your son has a permanent condition. It will not prevent him from leading a full and happy life, however. In fact oftentimes people with his condition are even happier than those without it.
Mrs: Well, what the hell is it!?
Dr: Essentially a genetic typo, if you will.
Parents: Oh my God, etc.
Mrs: That sounds horrifying.
Mr: That sounds terrible.
Dr: It’s a condition called RPD. Which stands for Rectal Personality Disorder. In layman’s terms--your child is destined to be...an asshole. His womb activity confirms it. As you’ve reported, Mrs. Hoyt, he’s exhibiting a lot of...selfish behavior in the womb. You’ve told me before that he kicks if you don’t have truffles and caviar every hour?
Mrs: Yes, that’s true. We joke that he’s a pre-foodie. And he’s so hungry that I can’t eat enough. In fact, I keep losing weight.
Mr: And you mentioned that he kicks if you haven’t eaten in a while.
Mrs: We JUST said that. Are you paying attention?
Mr: Don’t start with me, fatty.
Mrs: I’m pregnant, what’s your fucking excuse, man tits?
Mr: Oh, you go up pants sizes and it’s MY job to keep up with you?
Dr: (Interrupting) And as you know you were developing twins for most of the first trimester.
Mrs: Oh yeah, he took that sibling right out. Ate him up.
Dr: Eliminated his competition, you might say. You see? He wants what he wants, when he wants it. There have been some test studies that have found that in this particular genomic variation, the behavior is unlikely to change. Even outside the womb. Even in...adulthood.
Mr: He’s just gonna have a big appetite? So what?
Dr: It’s more about the motive, the lack of awareness of other people’s wants and needs. His sense of community is the same now as it always will be. His confidence will be unwavering. He will never admit when he’s wrong, even when it’s plain as day.
Mrs: So...intellectually…
Dr: He may excel in school, but...there are specific qualities of an adult asshole that your child is all but guaranteed to have. We’d preempt this with some kind of treatment if we could, but...we’re just not there. Besides, he’d probably be impervious anyway. They’re awfully resilient. That’s why they’re so common.
Mr: Assholes, you mean.
Dr: Yes. Researchers have followed them closely. In all likelihood, your son won’t thank people who hold doors open for him. He’ll snap his fingers at waitresses and call them “sweetie”, he’ll frequently tell perfectly calm people to “Relax. ” And most disturbing, when asked how he’s doing at work, his response will be, “crushing it.”
Parents: Oh my dear God, oh no, etc.
Dr: He’s likely to be a trust fund baby, assuming you two are…
Mr: We’re very successful. I’m usually busy crushing it.
Dr: Indeed. He may go on to be a reality TV producer, or an NRA spokesperson. And when music is on, he will...be pumping his fist.
Mr: But, but…
Dr: There is no “but”, Mr. Hoyt. Not this time.
Mr: You said he’ll be selfish and hate to lose.
Dr: That’s right.
Mr: Maybe he’ll be an athlete?
Dr: If so...he might be a murderer. Think of Wade Boggs… If Wade boggs was OJ Simpson and killed his wife.
Mrs: Oh my God, etc.
Mrs: We’re not like this! How could it possibly be...
Dr: Well, sometimes it does skip a generation.
Mr and Mrs: Oh, good, etc.
Dr: Are your parents assholes?
Mrs: Well, his dad is.
Mr: My father is an asshole. It’s true. He goes by the nickname captain.
Dr: But unfortunately in this case, I’m afraid it did not even skip a generation. Your bloodwork came back positive as well. You’re both assholes.
Mrs: I don’t think that that’s possibly accurate. We’re nice! I am very decent to foreigners.
Mr: Foreigners that have trouble speaking English. American English.
Mrs: I don’t...well, let’s just be fair...speak the...you’re here.
Mr: You’re here. Speak the language. We agree on that Eileen.
Mrs: So we’re right on that.
Dr: May I point out that you’re staying at the Regatta. You’re both wearing Docksiders with no socks.
Mr: Well you wouldn’t wear them with socks, prick.
Mrs: That’s ludicrous.
Dr: And your last name, again, is Hoyt. Sir, your first name is Tucker. I’ll repeat that sir, your full name is Tucker Hoyt.
Mr: The third.
Dr: You played lacrosse didn’t you, sir?
Mr: That’s...it...I’m, who cares! I’m done with this. Just cause (something gets knocked over) you got a fuckin’ (something else gets knocked over) D-R in front of your name, and a fancy white coat, doesn’t mean that I won’t shit on the hood of your car! You don’t think I’ve done that before? I’ve shit on the hood of cars!
Dr: (Over the commotion) I’m actually positive that you have. Again, I have the bloodwork. Bye-bye.
*The door opens. They walk into each other and start bickering again.*
Mrs: (To Mr) No no please, you go first. It’s not like I’m carrying your child or anything like that.
Mr: I have one in the chamber. I have to save it to go shit on this guy’s car.
Mrs: Oh, are you gonna make me watch again like you always do? Of course! Let me just leave the door open! Yeah, that’s fine.
Mr: Yeah, you’re gonna look right in my brown eye as I crest!
*The door closes, leaving the Dr alone.*
Dr: (To himself) Fuckin.’ Assholes.
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“Shower With Mike 3”
V.O: Alright listeners. It’s that time once more. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time...to shower with Mike.
Mike: Michael: Ok. Loofa me. Gotta at least get some of this country apple scent on the four key areas, if you know what I mean. Oooh yeah, that’s good. Gotta get the other one too, of course. Aaaand around back. Might as well get those, too. Can’t be too careful. Alright. Excuse me, I’m just gonna reach past you and grab the regular soap now. If I’m honest, the other stuff just doesn’t feel as effective. Let’s take this number again from the top…
Did you know Slip and falls are one of the leading causes of accidental deaths in the United States? And bathrooms are enemy No. 1. This slick porcelain can lull you into a false sense of confidence. So be careful.
V.O: This has been another installment of Shower With Mike.
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“Columbo Taxes”
V.O: And now we present one minute of Columbo doing his taxes.
Columbo: Ok, alright now this is confusing. Why is this so…? Oh ok. Ten-forty. Do I need a...That’s... U.S individual income ta...wow. One more thing, who writes this stuff? Why can’t it just say “what did you earn? What did you buy?” I shoulda done what I did years ago which is, hire an accountant. I...this is Greek to me. This is just, this is glyphs. This is just like hieroglyphics to me. But not pictures, it’s numbers. So it’s numericals. I mean...they take taxes out already. Why do I have to let you know what I made if you already take out based on what I make? Injured spouse...you can enter injured spouse...she stubbed her toe. She told me to move the ottoman. I didn’t move the ottoman. Uh…
V.O: This has been one minute of Columbo doing his taxes.
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Ted: Up next we have some for you, you guys responded so well on Twitter to our Long Island Hogwarts series, so we’ve basically just lazily re-packaged that and these are ads for another part of the country that are also getting their own satellite Hogwarts campus.
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“Boston Hogwarts”
V.O: : Are you tired of seeing your friends succeed in life while you're stuck in a rut? Are those red pants wearing Harvard cunts giving you a hard time? Check out the Hogwarts Technical school of witchcraft and wizardry at our new Massachusetts satellite campus. You'll enjoy the same magical education people have experienced at the original English campus, but you won’t have to venture outside of the greater Boston area or experience one moment in a new culture. But don’t take it from me. Just listen to these testimonials!
Manny: I was in my car—racing home from a party, where I had just left an upper decker in the master bath of Suzanne O'Connell's mom’s house, and I realized--my life hasn't turned out the way I thought. I'm not even playing outfield for the Sox! I called Hogwarts the next day and now I make floating candles for the dining halls.
MPS: I was co-vice president of the biggest street gang in southie. When I got offered a promotion that was title-only, I resigned and went to Hogwarts. Now I'm in a different gang. The Orda Otha Mutha Fuckin' Phoenix. How do you like 'dem apples?
OG: Hogwarts promises you that when you’re enrolled here, your security is paramount. Our private squad of dementors is supplemented by a whole bunch of middle weight boxers that are past their prime, but still pretty good.
Kelly: I made honor roll in high school. But it was in south Boston, so really all yous needed was an Irish last name. I’ve heard about Boston Hogwarts, and maybe someday I’ll enroll. But right now, being Irish Catholic and living in Southie is all the power my little wand needs. I’d enroll at the British campus...but just to tell them all to go fuck themselves.
Luke: I was an aspiring fashion model with body image problems. So I went to Hogwarts. Now I make puking pastilles, and I never looked better!
GPS: I was at my lowest point. With a long history of punching cops, I had just punched a cop for trying to stop me from punching a cop. I had just punched yet another cop. Then I sent an owl and started at Hogwarts. I would have finished and had a new life but the BPD found me when I went to visit some muggle friends. Now I’m doing 10-15 at Cedar Junction. That’s what you call a paradox.
Ted: I was regularly beaten by my adoptive foster parents. Then I was working as a fuckin’ janitor when Professor Mcgonagall saw me write some shit on a chalkboard. She brought me to a psychologist, made sure I got the help I needed, and enrolled me in Hogwarts. Now I’m a wizard genius and im dating Minnie Driver.
OG: Hey Mrs Costigan! Hey Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! I heard they sent Tim up Sherley way for passing bad checks. Guess the apple really doesn't fall far from his whore mother! How am I doin’? I'm at Hogwarts, you saggy bitch! (Realizes he’s filming) Oh. Enroll in Boston Hogwarts today. Act now and receive four free months of Spotify. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and receive free admission to the farmer’s market at Holy Cross. They got corn. Hogwarts. Get sorted for life.
GPS: I went to Hogwarts. And I got sorted.
Luke: And I got sorted.
Ted: And I got sorted.
GPS: Get sorted.
All: For life.
Kelly: Go fuck yourself.
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Michael: Guys, thank you again so much for listening. We are officially halfway through season one and it is going so fast. Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to Ted’s then-friend Maureen who thought I was gay and hitting on Ted when we first met each other the summer before 9th grade. I really just wanted to be friends with him, but her teenage notions of sexuality confused my haphazard attempts at small talk, with sexual attraction. Ted, You weren’t my type then, and you really aren’t my type now. But kudos to you for not caring either way. Maureen, here’s to you.
Ted: This episode is also dedicated to Steve Carell. Dude, don’t be sad you didn’t win an Emmy for The Office. Those elitist douchebags have to live with their decision. Hopefully someday, you’ll pick yourself up and act again.
Michael: Are you serious?
Ted: What do you mean?
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“Outtakes”
--Genetic Asshole--
Dr: Think of Wade Boggs… If Wade boggs was OJ Simpson and killed his wife.
Mrs: Oh my God. I’ve always loved gloves.
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Dr: Ummm...I went to medical school. I did not go to...psychology...family therapy...any of those schools.
Mr: Ehh, it’s a bunch of bullshit anyway, Doc.
Dr: I’m actually pretty socially inept myself, so this is all making me pretty uncomfortable.
Mr: Ok.
Mrs: Try waking up next to this.
Mr: Hey honey, can you let the men talk?
Mrs: Oh my God!
Mr: The penises have the floor.
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Dr: I’ll repeat that sir, your full name is Tucker Hoyt.
Mr: The third. And my middle name is Thurston.
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Mr: Well, if we look at the LL Bean catalog, and you let me pick three items, then I will pick three items that I like. You don’t get to have veto privileges over what LL Bean items…
Mrs: I absolutely do. The LL Bean catalog is in my name. My maiden name, as a matter of fact, which you know what, quite frankly I’m really liking the sound of lately.
Mr: Oh you know what, OK this is real fun. How ‘bout giving me that ring back that I paid for with my non-maiden name.
Dr: Nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Hoyt.
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Dr: Oh, you...actually wanna...sit behind...my desk.
Mrs: I would. Mmmmmmm.
Michael: It’s just supposed to be, “Mmhmm.” (Laughing) MMMMMMMM.
Kelly: I was settling in.
Michael: Yeah.
Kelly: Feeling the leather on my skin.
Ted: (As Mr) Doctor, does that chair vibrate?
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Mrs: (Lifting) From the knees!
Mr: Ooh!
Michael: (Laughing) “I’m cresting as we speak!”
Ted: I’m cresting! I just turtle-headed a crest.
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Michael: It’s human behavior. Oh, hi Mark!
Ted: Oh, hi Mark!
Gillian: Cool story, Mark!
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Dr: Literally no one’s ever asked me that before.
Mrs: I’ll just sit right here.
Mr: Sorry, Doctor. She’s what you in your profession would call...a bitch.
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Mr: Don’t start with me, fatty.
Mrs: Oh, I’m pregnant. What’s your excuse, man tits?
Mr: Oh yeah, these tits could feed a child, but... (Breaks character) I don’t know where I was going with that.
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Mr: Well I just think the Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer was the best version of the Ford Explorer that they ever made. The interior was very leatherey and it was nice, and it had the words, “Eddie Bauer” on it. I don’t know why you’d fight me on this…
Mrs: I only buy Japanese.
Mr: Oh, you only buy Japanese?
Mrs: I thought you knew that about me. My dad taught me that only Japanese cars…
Mr: Only Japanese cars? Your father…? Oh.
Mrs: Yes. He married a Geisha.
Mr: Oh, you’re talking about your step-mother? Kiyoti?
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Mr: And you mentioned that he kicks if you haven’t eaten in a while.
Mrs: We JUST said that. Are you paying attention?
Mr: Don’t start with me, fatty.
Mrs: I’m pregnant. What’s your fucking excuse, man tits?
Mr: These are pecs, and they’re...awesome.
Mrs: (Interrupting) Small.
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Mrs: I...just...I mean, let’s be fair. You’re here. Right? Participate.
Mr: Yeah, speak the language. We agree on that, Eilleen. We’re not assholes.
Mrs: Make an effort.
Mr: We just are saying, if you come here, speak American English.
Dr: I didn’t bring up foreigners at all. That was just something that you…
Mrs: It was implied.
Mr: Ok. Thanks, Obama.
Dr: Wow.
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--Boston Hogwarts 1--
Luke: Alright, we fuckin’ rollin’?
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Luke: Puking pastill-es. What?
Michael: Puking pastilles.
Luke: Pastilles.
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Luke: Sometimes they annunciate it like…right, they go (Boston accent) that’s what you call a payyradox.
Michael: Yeah they certainly do that.
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Ted: I used to set fires and kill neighborhood pets, you know kid stuff. Then one day I stabbed a giraffe at the Franklin Park Zoo. I had never felt so alive. Subsequently, I enrolled in Hogwarts. So, you know, you never can tell what life holds for ya.
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Michael: (To Gillian) Now go New Jersey with it. Like annoying New Jersey.
Gillian: Isn’t it all annoying?
Michael: Just be Adrianna.
Gillian: Yeah.
Ted: Just start it with, “Christopha.”
Gillian: Yeah. Christopha--I used to be a chimney sweep. Now I clean chimneys for wizard families. It’s pretty much the same job, but my thestral sightings have like doubled.
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“Credits”
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use [email protected]. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.