14 How to manage the emotions of the siblings of an autistic child

As an occupational therapist, I'm often dealing with or having interactions with the siblings of the clients I work with during therapy especially if they are younger in age. I regularly see how excited siblings get when it's time for therapy and their desire to want to participate as well.

Unfortunately, the siblings of the children I work with aren’t always able to participate and this can lead to confusion, frustration, and feeling left out. And this isn’t just limited to just my therapy sessions. These misunderstandings can carry over into doctor appointments, school, and community settings. I’m going to address some commonly reported emotions that siblings of special needs children have and provide you strategies for you to address these feelings. 3 commonly, reported emotions expressed by siblings of special needs children are feeling left out, having to do too much, and inability to express their feelings.

Feeling isolated or left out:

Siblings of special needs children want to participate and be included in all the fun happenings for the family. Don’t we all? This desire to be included is multiplied when their sibling has “fun” therapists who bring fun activities for their sister and brother each week. It’s not just therapies at home. If your child has any specialty appointments outside of the home it can feel like they are missing out on a lot of fun from the outside looking in.

Action Plan:

1. Schedule 1 on 1 time with each child

   • Find a time during the week with 1 on 1 time with your child providing undivided attention

   • Allow your child to express themselves

   • Allow your child to lead the conversation

   • Make it about them and not the other sibling

   • This time could be as short as 10 minutes the important thing is the intention and taking the time to create this space.

2. Communicate with your child

   • Communicate with your child about an perceived disparities

   • Explain at an age appropriate level what therapies are for

   • Begin to explain Autism and how their sibling may need some extra support as we all need various levels supports throughout different phases of our lives.

3. Find ways to make sure all your children feel loved

   • Explore family activities where everyone can be involved.

   • Have each child be able to participate at a level that is appropriate for them.

Feeling like they are asked to do too much/burnout

Siblings often take on caretaker or protector roles of their siblings especially if they are older. Some of these role may be requested by you and others the sibling may feel like its their duty. Once common example is if both children go to school together. Your neurotypical child may see their sibling struggling at school physically, emotionally, or socially and they may feel like they got to protect them from other students or from getting hurt. At home, it’s common for parent’s to feel overwhelmed and ask their child for help. This is not wrong and expected in certain cultures. This can cause frustration and burnout though if these extra tasks become expected or if your neurotypical child has begun to take on a caretaking role for their sibling. This could easily feel unfair and unjust and lead to your child feeling like they can be a kid.

Action Plan:

1. Clarify responsibilities

   • If you notice your child is doing more than what is required make sure to clarify what is a child’s responsibility and what is the parent’s responsibility.

2. Express appreciation

   • Make sure to provide verbal appreciation for the way your kids contribute around the house

3. Self-Check

   • Check-in to see if what you are asking of them is fair

   • Every families values and customs are different

   • Does all your children have the opportunity to explore, learn, and be a kid?

   • Maybe consider ways of possibly expanding your support group if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling like they can’t express their feelings along with confusion, guilt, or embarrassment.

As siblings continue to get older and begin to notice more differences in their siblings behaviors compared to their peers they may feel confused, embarrassed, and that they don’t have space to express themselves. When there isn’t communication and discussion related to the differences between your neurodiverse child and neurotypical child then your neurodiverse child’s behaviors or diagnosis could be perceived as a secret. With this in mind they may also feel like their needs are lesser and that they may not have the right to be “needy”. Also if there is a lack of communication they may not feel like they have the space to express themselves and their frustrations in a healthy manner. 

Action Plan:

1. Communicate

   • Teach them about autism at an age appropriate level

     1. Stemming

     2. Social skills

   • Revisit top from time to time.

   • Allow space to express their honest feelings without judgment and encourage honest communication

2. Consider a counselor and/or support groups

   • If any of your children are showing any distress or struggling consider consulting a mental health counselor. They can help your child express and understand their emotions that can feeling confusing and frustrating.

   • Look for support groups: In Arizona, there is a support group for siblings of children with special needs called Sibshop and it is hosted by Arizona Autism United. These are 1 hour meetings where children ages 7-14 can connect, relate, and talk about their emotions. Currently these meetings are virtual but should return to in-person sessions eventually.

      

Recap: Siblings of special needs children may feel a variety of emotions due to the complex family landscape. Common emotions/feelings include: 1. Feeling left out, Asked to do too much, and inability to express themselves.

1. Feeling Isolated or left out

   • Schedule 1 on 1 time

     • Child led

     • About them

   • Communicate with child

     • Talk about Autism

     • Let them know why there are differences at home

   • Find ways to make sure all your children feel loved

     • Family group activities

2. Asked to do too much 

   • Clarify what's their responsibility and what’s parents. 

   • Words of appreciation go a long way when your children are contributing and helping out.

   • Check in with self to see if what you are asking is fair

3. Unable to express self, confusion, guilt embarrassment

   • Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

     • Teach the siblings about Autism

     • Provide spaces for open communication

   • Consider counseling or support groups like sibshop

Resources:

Sibshops

https://azaunited.org/services/sibshops

Arizona Autism United hosts Sibshops which is held on the first Saturday of each month for neurotypical siblings of children with any type of special need.  Siblings must be between the ages of 7 to 14 to participate. Registration is required and your first session is free! Right now sibshop free and is 1 hour and via zoom until they return back to in-person.

Washington Post Article: 8 things siblings of children with special needs struggle with

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/12/20/8-things-siblings-of-children-with-special-needs-struggle-with/

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