Releasing Unsaid Stories of Grief with Lisa Zega

In this episode, Aaron talks with Lisa Zega, a Grief Specialist and Coach, about releasing stories of grief after divorce, death, and loss of self.

Instagram.com/lisamichellle.legityou

https://www.facebook.com/groups/legityou/?ref=share

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

 

Show Notes

 

:25 Aaron Talks

Not to be a downer, but we are going to be talking about grief…

 

What doesn't work is holding on to your untold stories of grief. and these untold stories of grief stick with us and get played over and over again either in our minds or in our experiences. 

 

If you experienced a major break in relationships, if you've experienced a death in your family, if you've have to move in your life, if you've experienced anything where you have loss and aspect of yourself or your life, it's ok to grief that loss. 

 

We've been told a lie as adults that we're suppose to avoid pain at all costs. We’re taught to rush to a positive mindset without honoring the pain. That somehow being hurt isn't strong. Unlike little kids who are willing to admit their hurt, acknowledge it, cry it out, feel better and move on, adults tend to hide, avoid, compensate, and let our grief go unprocessed. When you do this you actually DON't let go of the past and instead continue to suffer for it. You hold onto it and it becomes a filter you see the world through, and so you will continue to have the experience over and over again. 

 

What we need is to learn to listen to our emotions. How to learn how to learn from our emotions. Process our grief from the past. Welcome the pain, honor what it's there to teach us. Be our younger selves best friend. So we can experience more of the live we want to live. 

 

My guest Lisa Zega is a mother, wife, and coach who experienced the loss of many things. The loss of the connection with her kids, the loss of death of her fiancé, and the loss of herself in her first marriage. 

 

She's a Life Coach now that specializes in helping women process grief on all levels. 

 

As a teenager I met Lisa years ago when she was in her first marriage, and it's always powerful to see people when they step into their full selves after many tragedies.. 

I'll let Lisa tell you the rest.. 

 

3:40 min

What got Lisa into grief coaching

• Recognition of grief

• Unsaid stories from grief that holding us back

• Anything that brings up conflicting emotions is grief

 

3:08 Lisa’s story of grief

• After Lisa divorced, her children stopped talking to her

• Engaged and her fiancé died in a motorcycle accident

• Happening for me rather than against me

• Grief lives rent free put costs us a lot

• When stories are locked inside of us, we can’t imagine a future

 

 

5:15 To Me vs For Me 

• Different forms of grief

• Lisa’s life was “like job in the Bible”

• Processing the loss of relationships and physical connection

 

8 min living life as a victim

• Misconception of being strong

• Therapist tells Lisa the truth

• “Being obedient to your husband” is a great structure for living like a victim

• Being a self righteous victim

 

10:40 min Becoming a coach

• Words and wisdom are always the same thing

• Getting over a break up or a death

• Sadness can be a healing emotion

 

12 min Why is this happening to me ?

• Its a victim question

• The suffering you add to your suffering

• Releasing the why and the idea that there’s something wrong with me

• Being ok with the normal emotional responses

 

14 min - not intellectualizing grief

• Not go sleep with someone to hide the pain

• Allow for the pain without judgment

• Loss is apart of many parts of loss

• Pause for laughter

 

17:30 min Aaron’s story of his parents divorced

• Aaron thinking he caused his parents divorce by bad karma

• Did I wish this upon my family ?

• Having the language of the heart

• Our intellect was not meant to solve for our heart

• In the church a scripture can solve and wish a pain away

• 12 year old Aaron needed a voice to conflicting emotions

18:50 min

• We don’t have emotional language for our grief

• Not Rushing to the good pots without comforting the pain

• Welcome emotions, what are you hear to teach me

• Suffering becomes a choice

 

20:20 min Learning to learn from your emotions

• How to process sadness where there’s an acceptance period

• Clean pain, and then what we make that mean

• Dirty pain is the thought that comes with it

• Tied in with I’m not worthy and there’s something wrong with me

 

22:10 min Lisa never met her biological father

• What little kids do to make sense

• Foundation of rejection and abandonment

• Belief that creates a grief story that

 

23:45 some of the stories that people tell themselves

• “I’m not enough” was Aaron’s story

• We’re all human and going to stay human

• Healing isn’t becoming perfect

• Pause for laughter

• Expansive humans are willing to feel all the feelings

• Otherwise emotions get dulled

 

27 min 

• Your heart speaks a different language than you’re brain

• Being willing to sit with your emotions

• Words are healing once you understand and feel the emotional component

 

28 min Aaron’s story

• Aaron wouldn’t be a coach if he didn’t re-traumatize himself and understand for himself

• Observing yourself as the victim

• Stop the overthinking, it’s a trauma response

• Observing your thoughts set you free

• Shame comes in to re-punish self

• Rehearse the trauma over and over again

 

31:40 min Lisa interviews Aaron

• Aaron had to grieve the loss of that relationship

• Hiding sadness with anxiety

• I need to go grieve the thing from your childhood

• Pain is locked in a closet of a house

• Being your childhood selfs best friend

 

34:30 min 

• Energy of expansion

• Sold the lie that we’re suppose to avoid pain at all cost

• Helping people resolve emotions

• Like a kid processing pain

 

37:20 getting the results of childhood over and over again

• Living in the familiar painful comfort

• Let me tell you about my “was”-band

• We get attracted to people similar energy

 

39 min survive and evolve

• We’re always becoming more of ourselves

• And honest reflection of grieving the lost

• If you don’t grieve the lost you’ll head back to old ways

• Refining more of your true self

• You can only change what you’re aware of

• Rip the band aid of awareness

• Be kind to yourself and let go

 

38:40 creating a life that you have not yet experienced

• Getting comfortable getting uncomfortable

• Every human goes to the familiar

• Creating and allowing new pathway

• Loved

 

44 min Aaron endorses this message

• Let’s not do math of when we met shall we?

• Lisa Comes in swinging with joy

 

45 min Aaron Closes

Thank you for listening.

If you’d like to connect with Lisa you can go to..

Instagram.com/lisamichellle.legityou

Or find her on Facebook 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/legityou/?ref=share

If you are struggling in harmful relationship patterns, overthinking, people pleasing, and self doubt, you can connect with me at

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

You’re listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.