Episode 170: Writing Vivid Descriptions

In this week's episode, we consider eight tips & tricks for writing vivid descriptions.

COUPON OF THE WEEK

This week’s coupon is for the audiobook of GHOST IN THE SURGE, as excellently narrated by Hollis McCarthy. You can get the audiobook of GHOST IN THE SURGE for 75% off at my Payhip store with this coupon code:

OCTSURGE

The coupon code is valid through October 27th, 2023, so if you find yourself needing to listen to something while raking leaves, it might be time for a new audiobook!

00:00:00 Introduction, Writing Updates, and Ad Results

Hello everyone. Welcome to Episode 170 of the Pulp Writer Show. My name is Jonathan Moeller. Today is October the 6th, 2023. Today we're going to discuss how to write vivid descriptions. Before we get into that, let's start off with Coupon of the Week. This week's coupon is for the audiobook of Ghosts in the Surge as excellently narrated by Hollis McCarthy. You can get the audio book of Ghost in the Surge for a 75% off at my Payhip store with this coupon code: OCTSURGE, again that's OCTSURGE spelled OCTSURGE. This coupon code is valid through October the 27th 2023. So if you find yourself needing to listen to something while raking leaves, it might be time for a new audiobook.

Before we get into our main topics or some reader questions, let's have an update on my current writing projects. I am almost done with Ghost in the Serpent. I am hoping actually to have it out a day or two after this podcast episode goes live, then it will be full speed ahead on Cloak of Embers, which it took longer to get to Cloak of Embers than I really wanted. But the Summer of Finishing Things was quite helpful with getting things finished. So now I have time to get back to the Cloak Mage series and Nadia's latest adventures. The audio book of Dragonskull: Talons of the Sorcerer is done, and hopefully that should be turning up on the various audiobook stores before too much longer. So that is where we are with our current writing projects.

And since it's still very early in October, let's have a look back at my ad results for September 2023. September was kind of an odd month from an advertising perspective. From the 19th to the 21st, Amazon had their Stuff Your Kindle promotion that tends to mostly revolve around Kindle Unlimited books. So I hadn't planned much for it because I don't have any Kindle Unlimited books at the moment. However, I had forgotten that I had a few Amazon ads campaigns running for Cloak Mage Omnibus One in the spring, and some of those ads showed up on the Kindle Unlimited books. So those ads kicked into overdrive and spent a lot of money, like way more than I really wanted. On the plus side, it balanced out that the Cloak Mage Omnibus One made back $1.22 for every dollar the runaway ads spent, so it all ended well.

Well, for my Facebook ads, it was once again useful to see that audio books are helpful for advertising. Once you spend the money on the audiobook, it's worthwhile to advertise the ebook because any sales of the audiobook are essentially bonus profit at that point. So here's how the Facebook ads did: Frostborn, I got back $4.38 for every dollar spent and 38% of the profit came from audio. Ghosts, I got $3.08 back for every dollar I spent and 25% of the profit came from audio. For Cloak Games and Cloak Mage, I got back $3.49 for every dollar I spent and the audiobooks didn't sell well enough to make much of a difference. Silent Order, I got back $7.70. But that’s also partly because Pulse Hand came out in September, but even without Pulse Hand still would have been $3.54. Notwithstanding the adventures with the Cloak Mage ads I forgot about, the Amazon ads I did on purpose performed pretty well. For Dragonskull: Sword of the Squire, for every dollar I spent on ads, I got back $3.57 and 16% of the profit came from audio. So that is how my ads performed in September 2023.

00:03:27 Reader Questions

Before we get to our main topic, let's have a few questions from readers. Our first question is from Diana, who asks: Hi, Jon, I'm so sorry to bug you, but my ADHD brain won't let this go, and Google hasn't helped. All the dark Wizards in the Frostborn and Sevenfold Sword and Dragontiarna in the series give each other ironic nicknames, but what is a Theophract? I'm not skilled enough in the English language to figure it out, and apparently neither is Google. Thanks so much for all your books. Thanks, Diana. Glad you're enjoying them. In answer to that, the term Theophract is essentially nonsense. It's basically very bad Greek for a God armor and I picked that name because the Theophract was the apprentice of the warden. So I wanted to hopefully give a subtle indicator that the Theophract was more dangerous than the average dark elven lord.

Our next question is from John who asks: Want to start reading about Nadia, but not sure which book started her series out. Could you give me a hand to let me know? The very first appearance of Nadia is in Cloak Games: Thief Trap, which should be free in ebook form on most of the major ebook stores.

Our final question this week is from Wesley, who says: Hey there. I wanted to ask if there any books or series outside of your own catalog that you would recommend. I've gone through the majority of your works already and have read the Ridmark saga twice. Well, let's see. For indie books, I would recommend William King's Kormak saga, and the Awaken Online series by Travis Bagwell is the best Lit RPG I've read. For science fiction, Timothy Zahn’s Heir to the Empire trilogy, his Icarus Hunt and Icarus Plot books, and his Conquerors trilogy. The Galaxy’s Edge and Forgotten Ruin series by Nick Cole and Jason Anspach are pretty good. For historical mystery. I really like the CJ Sansome books about Tudor era lawyer Matthew Shardlake, so hopefully that should keep you occupied for a short time.

00:05:22 Introduction to the Main Topic of the Week: How to Write Vivid Descriptions

Now let's talk about our main topic this week: how to write vivid descriptions. Let's start off with an anecdote. A long time ago, I was in the process of moving to a new state and attempting to find an apartment. This was very challenging because the rental housing market in the area was limited and expensive. One day during this process, I drove a long way to view a duplex with the rental agent, only discover: 1: that the owner hadn't actually given permission to view the property, so it was all locked up and 2: the property in question was directly next to one of the busiest interstates in that part of the US. But the rental agent I'll give him this, did his best. “I'm going to paint you a word portrait of what this duplex is like,” said the agent. And so I stood there on the front walk trying to hear him shout the description of the duplex over the roar of passing trucks on the nearby freeway. It was right about then and I realized that I was going to have to bite the bullet and buy a house. But that's a story for another day.

If you're a rental agent, painting a word portrait is probably not going to help close the sale. But if you're a writer, it's a vital skill. Because it is important to describe things so that the reader can quickly visualize the characters and setting of your story. A common complaint readers have about a book is that it's difficult to visualize the characters or that the author doesn't adequately explain what things look like. With that in mind, here are some tips for creating vivid and memorable descriptions in your books.

00:06:43 Tip #1: Avoid Info Dumping

#1. Avoid infodumping. Infodumping is the practice of dropping a ton of information on the reader’s head all at once. The most common example is “As you know, Bob” conversations, where the character tells Bob a lot of stuff that Bob already knows for the purpose of relaying plot vital information to the reader. There are better ways to convey this information in the course of the story. It is also possible to inadvertently use infodumping in descriptions.

Let's use an example from the Cloak Mage series: Nadia's favorite dollar store chain, the Dollar Commandant. And here it is: “The Dollar Commandant. The store occupied a parcel of land facing the state highway. The parking lot was assault and had room for exactly 40 vehicles, currently held four pickup trucks, three cars, and two minivans. The Dollar Commandant store stood one story high, 150 feet wide, and 400 feet long. Glass doors opened into the store’s interior. Hanging over the store’s front doors was a painting of the story the store’s mascot, a grinning, grinning mustachioed man wearing an elaborate military uniform and a large hat with a plume on.”

After hearing that, do you have an idea of what the Dollar Commandant store looks like? Yes, you probably do. But was that description somewhat tedious to listen to? Also yes. When writing a novel, it's always best to avoid tedious bits or to cut them out entirely. And if you do that for every single piece of description, people may have a hard time finishing your book. They may not be able to articulate why they found your story boring, but infodumping and descriptions would be a big part of it. I also repeated the word store way too many times in a single paragraph. You can also end up info dumping with character descriptions.

For example, here's Nadia visiting the Dollar Commandant: “Nadia walked across the parking lot to the Dollar Commandant store. She was a Caucasian woman of mixed Russian and Scottish ancestry who stood 5 feet and three inches tall and weighed 120 pounds. She had gray eyes, red tinted brown hair, and was built like either a marathon runner or a distance swimmer. Today she wore steel toe boots, black jeans, a red sweater, and a black wool peacoat.” Long time readers will know that Nadia usually dresses in the coat because her magic tends to drain away her body heat, which causes some odd reactions in summer. More on that below. Once again, you probably have an idea of what Nadia looks like from the description.

However, once again this description was just somewhat tedious to listen to. Why is this a problem? It's bit like extra drag on a car, something that increases the wind resistance, like a damaged side panel jutting out a little bit isn't much of a problem, but probably should be addressed at some point. Too much slows the code down decreases gas mileage, and can even make the car undrivable. Too much tedious description will slow down your story and make it harder to read, much like too much wind resistance on a car. The exception to the scene is where or when you would expect a character to engage in a clinical description.

For example, a law enforcement officer sharing a description of Nadia would say something like “Caucasian female, 5 foot three, 120 pounds, mid 20s, last seen wearing a black coat and black jeans.” Or let's say a commando leader had to plan a raid on the Dollar Commandant store for some reason and then he would likely offer a detailed description of the building to his followers as part of the planning process.

00:09:50: Tip #2: Avoid Laundry Lists

Number Two: avoid laundry lists. A subset of infodumping is the laundry list technique of character description. This happens when you describe a character by listing off what they're wearing. For example, Nadia at the Dollar Commandant again: “Nadia stood in the checkout line. She wore black wool peacoat, red sweater, black jeans, and heavy boots. Her brown leather purse was slung across her chest, her hand grasping the strap.” Again, this is a bit tedious, or if we were to describe the Dollar Commandant cashier in the same way: “The cashier sat on the metal stool behind the counter, a large woman wearing a blue Dollar Commandant polo shirt, enormous hoop earrings, silver and gold bracelets, and red leggings.”

Both descriptions are basically a laundry list of what the characters are wearing without any other details to engage the senses. As writers, we seem to default to laundry list descriptions whenever a character appears. As with infodumping, there's a time and a place for that kind of description, but the problem is that it is boring and doesn't offer much to hold the reader's attention. So how to make descriptions more interesting? Let's take a look at a few methods for writing more vivid descriptions.

00:10:53 Tip #3: Engage Two or More Senses

Number three: engage two or more senses. A rule of thumb for descriptions that will serve you in many situations is to try and engage two or more of the senses whenever possible. Humans, with some exceptions, are primarily visual creatures. Sight is generally the main sense through which we perceive the world. However, the other four senses are constantly running and providing additional information, often on a subconscious level. This means that you can immediately punch up your descriptions by including information about the additional senses. For example, compare this description of the Dollar Commandant store to the one we heard before:

“Nadia stepped through the doors and into the Dollar Commandant store. The blast of the air conditioning hit her in the face, accompanied by the faint odor of toilet bowl cleaner, and she shivered inside her coat. Cluttered aisles of low cost merchandise stretched all the way to the back of the store. A woman in a yellow sundress and flip flops held a sleeping toddler as she sorted through a bin holding plastic beach toys. At the registers, a bored looking cashier sat on a stool and did not look up from her phone. Nadia headed for the hardware aisle, the cheap green carpet rasping against her boots.”

While this may be technically less precise than the first description, it probably created a more vivid picture of the Dollar Commandant store in your mind. The reason is that we managed to engage three senses at once: sight: the description of the cashier, smell: the air conditioning and the toilet bowl cleaner, and hearing: the rasp of the cheap carpet. Perhaps it brought to mind similar stores to the Dollar Commandant that you may have visited.

To use another example, let's redo the description of Nadia above. In this example, the cashier, whose name is Maxine, looks at Nadia for the first time: “Maxine sighed and put down her phone as the customer stepped to the register. She was buying beef jerky and freeze dried fruit of all things. The women was short and wiry and pale, wearing a black wool peacoat that was way too heavy for the weather. Even in the air conditioning, she ought to have been sweating like a toilet tank and smelling like a sweat sock. Instead, her face was dry and she didn't smell much of anything at all.”

In this case, Maxine notices that Nadia isn't sweating, and the absence of odor is what draws her attention. Of course, the description also used similes, which takes us right up to the next tip for improving descriptions.

00:13:02 Tip #4: The Right Amount of Metaphor and Similes

Number four: the right amount of metaphor and similes are your friends. Human communication is basically symbolic, even language itself is a series of symbols intended to convey a specific meaning, like the word laptop is a string of letters which represents a specific sound that humans can make and…in the English language, that specific sound represents a portable computer. So the human brain runs on symbols, which means you can use symbolism in the form of metaphors and similes to help augment your descriptions. Quick rule of thumb: a metaphor is a comparison that uses the verb is in the description.

For example, “The Dollar Commandant is a dumpster.” In this sentence, the Dollar Commandant store isn't literally a dumpster, but the speaker is comparing it to one. A simile, by contrast, uses the word like in the description. “The Dollar Commandant looks like a dumpster.” In both cases, the speaker is expressing disdain through the Dollar Commandant through the use of figurative language, just in slightly different ways. The judicious use of metaphors and similes can enhance your descriptions. For example, here is Nadia again: “Nadia walked across the parking lot to the Dollar Commandant store. She's a short, lean women in a dark coat with eyes like cold grey coins and a smile that is a little too hard to be friendly. The coat was too heavy for the summer day and also loose enough to conceal a shoulder holster.”

In this description, we can use a simple way to help describe the way that Nadia sometimes unsettles people. Or to make it more vivid, we could describe her through Maxine, the cashier's eyes. “The woman stepped up to the register, and Maxine sighed and put down her phone. The customer was buying beef jerky and freeze dried fruits of all things, and Maxine looked her over: short, wiry, and pale and wearing a heavy coat that looked way too hot, but it was an expensive coat, maybe a present for her husband to judge from the wedding ring. Probably some rich girl slumming it in at the Dollar Commandant. Maxine started to speak and the woman's eyes caught her attention, pale and gray and bright like coins in the freezer, and sharp as a knife. Maxine swallowed her smart remark to resolve to get the woman out of the store as fast as possible.”

Careful use of metaphors and similes can improve your descriptions. You don't want to do overdo it, of course. Her eyes were like coins, cold and bright. Her skin was pale as moonlight upon ice, her red tinted brown hair was like the sunset upon a mahogany board. Her teeth were white and even, like, perfectly spaced mints. Too much of that sounds like florid love poetry, or maybe the Song of Songs from the Bible where King Solomon compares his beloved's hair to a flock of goats in the mountains, which was probably more flattering in the early Iron Age Levant than it is today.

00:15:31 Tip #5: Mix and Match to Create a Vivid Description

Number five: mix and match. To create a really vivid description, you can mix and match the techniques we've already described. Try to engage at least two of the senses and mix in a metaphor or simile or two. Let's have Nadia walk into the Dollar Commandant store again. “Nadia walked through the doors. The air conditioning hit her like a slap in the face after the summer heat, and everything smelled faintly of toilet bowl cleaner. Cluttered aisles stretched to the back of the store, their shelves laden with a hodgepodge of low cost merchandise. A bored cashier sat behind the register, eyes on her phone. The woman in a yellow sundress and flip flops held a sleeping toddler in one arm, her expression intent as she dug through a bin of plastic beach toys. It looked like the sort of place where Nadia could walk out with half the store merchandise under her coat. And so long as she was quiet, the cashier wouldn't look up from her phone.”

With this we can create a more vivid description. We have similes, the slap in the face and the looks of the place. We also have engagement with two of the senses, the feel of the cold air and the smell of the toilet bowl cleaner. This will also work with people, of course. Let's take another look at the scene where Maxine notices Nadia for the first time.

“The customer put some beef jerky and freeze dried fruit on the counter, the packaging crinkling and rustling, and Maxine blinked and put down her phone. The woman smiled at her from the other side of the counter, short ,wiry, and pale. She wore a stark black peacoat of all things, and her smile was unsettling. Combined with grey eyes, it made Maxine think of a shark.”

Once again, we have engaged two senses, sight and hearing. We also have an indirect metaphor where Nadia makes Maxine think of a shark. How much description you use is up to you, of course, but in some situations may need to use more, which we'll discuss right now.

00:17:06 Tip #6: More Description is needed in Science Fiction and Fantasy

Number six: more description is needed in science fiction and fantasy. One advantage of anything set in the modern world is they can often get away with using less description, since people immediately know what you're talking about. For example, consider this sentence: “The police officer walked into the McDonald's, the lunchtime crowd easing away from him.” Almost certainly you immediately had a clear picture of the scene. You know what a police officer usually looks like, and you've probably been in or worked at a crowded fast food restaurant during the lunch rush. You could quickly use this to establish the scene and move on to the more interesting parts of the story. If a specific detail requires more elaboration, like the police officer is there to arrest one of the employees or customers, you could spend more time describing the scene, but the point is that for things set in the roughly contemporary world, you can often get away with using less description because the audience will be familiar with the things you are talking about.

However, with fantasy and science fiction, you often don't have this option because you're describing strange and fantastical things that do not exist in the real world. Consider this sentence: “The Orcish warrior walked into the tavern, all eyes turning to face him.” Enough people have seen the Lord of the Rings movies and played World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons that most people will probably have a vague mental image of a hulking green skinned guy walking into a fantasy tavern. Of course, is it a Warcraft style orc come to get a drink? A savage but honorable warrior? Or is it a Tolkienian orc, a corrupted servant of the dark power? It’s when you would start to get really specific or start inventing new concepts that you have to use more description.

Let's take another example from the Cloak Mage series, the anthrophage. In the books, anthrophages are carnivorous monsters that haunt the shadow lands and Nadia winds up fighting them quite often. Since the concept of an anthrophages is something I made-up for the series, I needed to spend a bit more time describing the creature so that people will know what I'm talking about. “The anthrophage prowled toward Nadia. The miserable thing was roughly human shaped, but gaunt, the muscles like bundles of piano wire beneath its mottled gray hide. Black claws jutted from its fingers and toes, and a row of dark spines ran down its back. Yellow eyes glared up at Nadia over a fang filled mouth and a black crater of a nose and the rotting grease smell of the creature’s breath came to her nostrils.” That probably gives you a good idea of what an anthrophage will look and smell like. As with the orcish warrior in the tavern you mentioned above, fantasy and science fiction has moved enough into the mainstream that many people at least have a vague idea of what an orcish warrior, an elven wizard, and a dwarven blacksmith look like, or at least enough not to be totally lost. Someone who only reads, like Jason Bourne style thrillers might get a bit lost picking up a fantasy novel, but if you're writing fantasy, odds are they aren’t your target audience anyway.

However, the more original and unique your concept, the more time you will have to spend describing it, especially if you get really strained with your concepts like, say, the McGuffin of your science fiction book is a thousand sided crystalline prism that exists in multiple universes simultaneously and causes everyone who looks at it to simultaneously see their greatest fear and deepest desire, you're definitely going to have to spend some words describing this thing.

00:20:14 Tip #7: Infuse Characterization into Descriptions

Number seven: infuse characterization into descriptions. It's a kind of rule of thumb in law enforcement and investigation that if five different witnesses see a car accident, you will get five completely different and often contradictory accounts of what actually happened. This is because human perception is quite fallible and can vary based on a thousand different factors, an annoying reality for investigators. But you can use it to your advantage in descriptions by infusing characterization into them. What do I mean by this? How a character describes something in the narrative can also give valuable insight into the character. We've talked about how to make descriptions less boring, and this is an excellent way to do it, engaging multiple senses and using metaphors and similes will make descriptions more vivid, but adding characterization will further intensify the description and also help you illuminate the character.

For example, imagine a homeless man sitting on the curb outside of a gas station. How a character describes the homeless man will probably provide an insight into the character. A woman who has previously been attacked or robbed by a homeless man would react with fear and describe him in threatening terms. A police officer would note details about potential criminal violations and threat assessment. A charity volunteer or social worker might note the man's poor condition and health problems. A covert field operative might realize that the homeless man is, in fact another agent in disguise, or is being paid to act as a lookout for the operative’s enemies. A necromancer would consider the homeless man's viability as a potential undead minion. I am a fantasy writer mostly, after all.

Let's go back to Maxine, the cashier of the Dollar Commandant. If the scene is written from her point of view, we can use her description of Nadia to get a grasp on Maxine's character. For example, let's say Maxine hates her job and is kind of lazy. “She put down her phone with a sigh and looked at the customer. A short, wiry, woman stood on the other side of the counter. She wore an oversized black peacoat, her sharp gray eyes watching Maxine. A small pile of beef jerky and freeze dried fruit sat on the counter, placed there while Maxine had been watching her phone. That coat was way too hot for the weather. Probably some skinny little rich girl who exercised way too much, Maxine decided with disdain, and so was cold all the time, which meant that Maxine had to ring up her stupid jerky.” That gives us a good insight into Maxine while describing the scene. By contrast, let's say Maxine is kindlier and mostly contented with her life. “She put down her phone and smiled at the customer. A short, wiry woman stood on the other side of the counter. She wore an oversized black peacoat, her sharp features arranged in a polite smile. A small pile of beef jerky and freeze dried fruit sat on the counter, placed there while Maxine had been looking at the new pictures of her grandchildren. That coat was way too hot for the weather, and the woman inside it looked almost underfed. Maxine wondered if the poor girl was sick or had some kind of circulatory problem.”

Or let's say that Maxine is actually neither of those things, but is a high end criminal and is working at the Dollar Commandant as part of the scheme that will allow her gang to clear out the safe deposit boxes at the bank across the street. “She put down her phone and smiled at the customer, maintaining the role of a genial cashier, but a prickle of alarm went down her back. An oddly dressed women stood on the other side of the counter, short, wearing oversized black peacoat, black jeans, and steel toed work boots. The coat was more than big enough to hide a shoulder holster, and it was hot enough that the woman should have been sweating beneath the coat, but she wasn't. The women had cold gray eyes and a sharp face. Maxine known some killers in her time, and they all had eyes like that. Had the gang been tumbled? No, they were far enough along that the police would have shown up by now. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Maxine realized that she had frozen for too long and then smiled and started running packages of beef jerky and freeze dried apples over the scanner, resolved to get this customer out the door before she noticed anything amiss.”

Any metaphors and engaging multiple senses can make the descriptions more vivid, but adding characterization to them will make them even more vivid, reveal insight into your characters, and also help move the plot along.

00:24:06 Tip #8: Keep it as Short as Possible

And finally, number eight: keep it as short as possible. How much description should you use? As much as you need, but no more. I'm aware that is something of a tautology, but it's true. You should use as much description as you need to convey what you want to describe, make it as vivid as possible, and then no more. The reason for this is that you are telling the story and you do need to get on with it at some point. Remember our wind resistance metaphor from above? Too much description will slow things down and you might have the reader paging ahead to when the action resumes.

The classic example of this is a romance novel where the heroine and love interests have an…encounter, and then there are pages and pages of surrendering and taking and opening and metaphorical soaring and so forth. Other genres have their characteristic weak points with description as well. A fantasy novel might spend too much time describing a fight scene or a science fiction novel could spend too much time describing an alien creature. Thriller authors sometimes like to show off their research a little too much by describing the protagonist’s firearms in pages and pages of loving detail. Always remember that you are telling a story and it's important to get on with the story. It's good to have vivid descriptions, but you don't want to get bogged down with them.

That rental agent who painted a word portrait of the duplex didn't close the sale. But hopefully these tips and tricks will help you to paint vivid word portraits in your books.

So that is it for this week. Thanks for listening to The Pulp Writer Show. I hope you found the show useful. A reminder that you can listen to all back episodes on https://thepulpwritershow.com. If you enjoyed the podcast, please leave a review on your podcasting platform of choice. Stay safe and stay healthy and see you all next week.