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#276: How to stop taking things personally

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

Release Date: 04/01/2025

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Welcome to Episode 276 of the Thoughtful Leader Podcast!

In this episode, we explore why thoughtful leaders tend to take things personally and how to break free from this habit.

If you find yourself internalising feedback, criticism, or workplace challenges, this episode is for you.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

  • Why thoughtful leaders are prone to taking things personally.

  • The impact of personalizing feedback and criticism on leadership effectiveness.

  • Practical strategies to create separation between personal identity and workplace challenges.

Key Takeaways:

  1. Understand Why We Take Things Personally

    • Thoughtful leaders are introspective and tend to overanalyse situations.

    • Low confidence or comparison to extroverted colleagues can make leaders more vulnerable to negative self-talk.

  2. Examine the Context

    • Write down the factors involved in a situation and assess how many are actually about you.

  3. Extract the Lessons

    • Separate self-blame from constructive learning by asking: What would I do differently next time?

  4. Consider the Other Person’s Motive

    • Most negative interactions are influenced by external factors unrelated to you, like stress or fear.

    • Learn more about the Iceberg Model of Human Behaviour in Episode 209.

  5. Question Expectations

    • Ask yourself whether unrealistic “shoulds” are driving your reactions.

  6. Use Psychological Distancing

    • Describe the situation as if you were a fly on the wall to gain a more objective perspective.

    • Reframe the issue by imagining how you’d advise a respected colleague in the same situation.

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