loader from loading.io

#276: How to stop taking things personally

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

Release Date: 04/01/2025

#304: Is leadership simply about finding the right balance? show art #304: Is leadership simply about finding the right balance?

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, Ben talks about the importance of balance in leadership: knowing when to step in and when to step back. He discusses common traps, like micromanaging or being overly hands-off, and helps leaders identify their “sweet spot” where they can provide enough guidance without stifling independence. Ben offers practical reflection questions and strategies to help you stay balanced, effective, and confident as a thoughtful leader. Resources: .

info_outline #303: Feedback got you down? Introducing The Useful Feedback Journal. show art #303: Feedback got you down? Introducing The Useful Feedback Journal.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, Ben introduces , a digital tool designed to help leaders process, accept, or reject feedback thoughtfully. Drawing from his own painful experience receiving harsh feedback after a workshop, Ben explains how the journal guides you through four stages – Retreat, Reflect, Extract, and Act – to turn feedback into growth rather than frustration. He also shares success stories from pilot users and outlines how journaling can help you track patterns and improve your response to feedback over time. Resources mentioned in this episode: .

info_outline #302: How open should you be with your team? show art #302: How open should you be with your team?

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, Ben explores a common leadership dilemma: how open should you really be with your team? While transparency builds trust, oversharing can create confusion or discomfort. Ben offers practical advice for finding the right balance between honesty and professionalism. He discusses when to share challenges and when to protect your team from unnecessary stress, helping thoughtful leaders navigate openness with self-awareness and confidence. Resources: Brené Brown’s website:  Work with Ben 1:1 – 

info_outline #301: How knowing your values helps build your confidence. show art #301: How knowing your values helps build your confidence.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, Ben explains how knowing your personal values helps you lead with confidence. He shares how values act as a foundation, keeping you steady when challenges arise. Ben reflects on his own experiences and discusses how understanding your values can help you make decisions, handle pressure, and stop second-guessing yourself. He also introduces his small-group Values Discovery Sessions, designed to help leaders uncover their core values and use them to lead more authentically. Spaces are limited to 8 people, so book your spot now using this link: >>> 

info_outline #300: Top tips for dealing with strong personalities. show art #300: Top tips for dealing with strong personalities.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

For the 300th episode, Ben tackles one of the most common challenges thoughtful leaders face: dealing with strong personalities at work. These colleagues may be direct, dominant, or results-focused - all traits that can feel intimidating or frustrating. Ben shares five practical tips, from avoiding direct confrontation to preparing well for interactions, so thoughtful leaders can hold their ground without trying to overcompensate or act like someone else. He reminds us that strong personalities aren’t bad, just different, and that with the right strategies, you can work alongside them...

info_outline #299: Cautionary tales for leaders using A.I. tools. show art #299: Cautionary tales for leaders using A.I. tools.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

AI tools like ChatGPT are everywhere, but what does that mean for thoughtful leaders? In this episode, Ben shares personal examples of using AI for marketing, podcasting, and even gardening - but he also issues a word of caution. Over-reliance on AI risks “deskilling” teams by removing valuable opportunities for learning and mentoring. Drawing on examples from law and medicine, he shows how bypassing junior staff development can have long-term consequences. Leaders can embrace AI, but must balance efficiency with the need to grow capable, confident teams. Resources mentioned in this...

info_outline #298: How to adapt your style at work, without the exhaustion. show art #298: How to adapt your style at work, without the exhaustion.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

Adapting your leadership style is essential but if you’re not careful, it can feel exhausting. In this episode, Ben explains how to shift your style to suit different situations - whether it’s being more direct in a crisis or more outgoing when networking, while keeping it sustainable. He draws on personality psychology research, including insights from Brian Little’s work on “personal projects,” to help leaders recognise when it’s worth stretching themselves and when to restore their energy. The goal: flexible, people-focused leadership that won’t compromise your wellbeing. ...

info_outline #297: Feel like you’re on a rollercoaster? Bring more stable leadership to your team. show art #297: Feel like you’re on a rollercoaster? Bring more stable leadership to your team.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, Ben explores why stability is such a powerful leadership trait. Drawing from his coaching and training experiences, he highlights how inconsistency erodes trust and creates uncertainty in teams. Ben shares his own routines, such as exercise, mindfulness, morning reading, and small rituals that help him maintain calm, dependable leadership, even under stress. He emphasises that your team needs to rely on you regardless of circumstances, and building stability through consistent habits is one of the best ways to lead with confidence. Resources mentioned in this episode: ...

info_outline #296: It’s time to stop owning other people’s problems. show art #296: It’s time to stop owning other people’s problems.

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

In this episode, we look at a common challenge for thoughtful leaders – taking too much responsibility for other people’s problems. Reflection and self-awareness are powerful strengths. But when reflection turns into overthinking and self-criticism, leaders can start to “own” problems that aren’t really theirs to solve. I explore why thoughtful leaders are prone to this, how it increases stress and disempowers both you and your team, and what you can do to set healthy boundaries. You’ll also hear why accountability must stay with the person who owns the issue, not with you as the...

info_outline #295: Is your workplace a consequence-free environment? show art #295: Is your workplace a consequence-free environment?

The Thoughtful Leader Podcast with Ben Brearley

What happens when poor behaviour or performance goes unchecked at work? In this episode, I cover the risks of working in a consequence-free environment, where team members face no real impact for their actions. I share why “trying everything” often fails without accountability, and why feedback, formal warnings, or performance improvement plans can all be necessary tools. Consequences aren’t about punishment – they’re about giving people a reason to change, and creating fairness for the whole team. Resources mentioned in this episode:    

info_outline
 
More Episodes

Welcome to Episode 276 of the Thoughtful Leader Podcast!

In this episode, we explore why thoughtful leaders tend to take things personally and how to break free from this habit.

If you find yourself internalising feedback, criticism, or workplace challenges, this episode is for you.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

  • Why thoughtful leaders are prone to taking things personally.

  • The impact of personalizing feedback and criticism on leadership effectiveness.

  • Practical strategies to create separation between personal identity and workplace challenges.

Key Takeaways:

  1. Understand Why We Take Things Personally

    • Thoughtful leaders are introspective and tend to overanalyse situations.

    • Low confidence or comparison to extroverted colleagues can make leaders more vulnerable to negative self-talk.

  2. Examine the Context

    • Write down the factors involved in a situation and assess how many are actually about you.

  3. Extract the Lessons

    • Separate self-blame from constructive learning by asking: What would I do differently next time?

  4. Consider the Other Person’s Motive

    • Most negative interactions are influenced by external factors unrelated to you, like stress or fear.

    • Learn more about the Iceberg Model of Human Behaviour in Episode 209.

  5. Question Expectations

    • Ask yourself whether unrealistic “shoulds” are driving your reactions.

  6. Use Psychological Distancing

    • Describe the situation as if you were a fly on the wall to gain a more objective perspective.

    • Reframe the issue by imagining how you’d advise a respected colleague in the same situation.

Resources Mentioned:

Connect with Ben Brearley:

🎧 Enjoyed this episode? Leave a review and share it with fellow thoughtful leaders! Your support helps spread the message of better leadership.