197: We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

I’ve said before in past episodes how much I value feedback from people like you. In today’s show, for example, I share a listener reaction to a show from awhile back. It illustrates the concept that when it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. But before we get into the challenging comments from this listener, and how they could very well apply to your life, here’s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Here you’ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I’m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button. Then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Season seven is coming to a close

Before we get into today's episode about the challenging comments from a listener, there’s a housekeeping matter I need to tell you about. You are listening to episode 197 at the moment, and if my math is right, episode number 200 will be upon us in just a few weeks. That will bring us to the end of season seven of You Were Made for This.

I’m then going to take a break from these weekly podcasts to work on a few things I’ve been wanting to do in order to serve you better. I plan to take some of the content of our 200 episodes, update the material where needed, and re-purpose some of it in written form. Maybe in video as well. I don’t know. I have more ideas than I have time to implement them. Well, see.

Having said this, I don’t want to take a break from staying in touch with you. Even though there will be no new episodes for a while after #200, we can still stay connected by occasional emails now and then. If you’ve been getting my Wednesday email about that week’s podcast, you’re good to go. There’s nothing more you need to do.

But if you’re not getting my Wednesday email, I’d like you to join my email list so I can stay in touch with you about the things I’m working on - and what I’m learning about relationships. Just go to johncertalic.com/follow to sign up.

Often I come across stories I think you would find interesting, and sending you an email about them from time to time would be the easiest way to get them to you since the podcast will be in hiatus for a time.

Back to our regularly scheduled program

Last fall, someone I’ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. But if  your are driving, or otherwise preoccupied, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

We don’t know what we don’t know

“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

I’ll have more to say about Emily’s comments later, but for now I’ll say she’s experiencing the challenge many of us face when we don’t know what we don’t know.

So what does Emily’s response to an episode that first dropped 2½ years ago have to do with you?

What it has to do with you is that at one time or another you will have people in your life who feel the same way Emily does. Friends, family members, maybe one of your own children! Maybe even you. People experiencing what Emily is going through challenge us in how to relate and care for them.

For the past 194 episodes of this podcast we’ve talked about relationship skills and principles in one form or another. So I’d like us to try something. Let’s use Emily’s story to put into practice what you’ve learned about relationships. Let’s use her situation as a case study of what to do when we don’t know what we don’t know.

To begin, how do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared? Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments? I’m really interested in your thoughts on this one. Let’s see what all of us can learn in how to relate to someone like this.

Leave your thoughts in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or send them to me in an email. (j[email protected]) If you want to remain anonymous, that’s fine, just let me know.

Now, I know many of you are driving while you listen to the podcast or you’re doing other things like folding laundry, shoveling snow, or finally putting away your Christmas decorations. So I’ll repeat what Emily said so you can think about how you would respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.

How would you respond to Emily?

Listen carefully to what goes on inside of you as you hear her comments, and then what would you do or say if she said the following:

“I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.’

“I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.”

We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

“Now almost 40 years old, I’m so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any real, close friendships.

“I don’t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don’t even know how personal relationships work. I don’t know how often you’re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it’s my reality! I don’t know how to make and keep friends.

“I’m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don’t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.”

I’ve got some thoughts of my own about Emily’s comments, but I’ll wait to share them until after I hear from you.

If you forget everything else from today’s episode, here’s the one thing I hope you remember

We don’t know what we don’t know is often the case when it comes to relationships, especially when we’re lonely. We all need each other to show us what we don’t know. To tell us what’s true about us when we can’t see it ourselves.

Closing

In closing, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s topic about we don’t know what we don’t know, and how it applies to the listener comments from Emily.

Well, that’s it for today. If there’s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.

And don’t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I’ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today’s shows

063: Six Reasons Why We’re Not More Curious About People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

All past and future episodes:  JohnCertalic.com

Last week’s episode

196: How Will You Be Remembered?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.