Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

Just two hyper-critical English majors talking some pretty big game about The Wheel of Time. Co-hosts Emily and Sally gather around their kitchen table each week to serve you up a full fantasy feast of oft-misremembered summary, hot analysis, scraps of literary theory, and a whole lot of hating Rand.

Episode 303: How Many Eight-Year-Olds Does It Take to Tie a Tourniquet? 09/30/2024

Episode 303: How Many Eight-Year-Olds Does It Take to Tie a Tourniquet? Why are children on this battlefield? Inquiring minds want to know. We talk about Belinda, Brando Sando Power Activate, Berelain's Herspital, Demandred's Balefire Gun, Shendla's Snipe List, Upgrading to a Lesbian Warder, and Artur Hawkwing as a Mean Bisexual. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/33250567

Episode 302: Demandred's Situationship 09/23/2024

Episode 302: Demandred's Situationship Somehow Demandred has time to ... date? We're confused. As we dive deeper into chapter 37, we talk about Chad Galad's Autistic Rizz, Logain Believes in Logain, Canonical "It" Pronouns, Fantasy Slurs, and whether upping the stakes is effective anymore. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/33163477

Episode 301: Rhuarc Has Been DILF-Certified 09/09/2024

Episode 301: Rhuarc Has Been DILF-Certified He's also been Taken (TM) by Graendal, so that's bad, but it's nice to know he's hot. Also in this episode: Girl Don't Touch Your Face, Siuan Is Retiring Tomorrow, Uno the Chaperone, X-Men Talents, and Pevara's Stanley Cup. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32967142

Episode 300: Q&A Round-up 09/02/2024

Episode 300: Q&A Round-up We're taking a break from the Last Battle to look back — and forward — using your fine, prime vintage questions in this extra-special, extra-long episode. Also, we decide who we'd f***, marry, and kill between Ishamael, Moghedien, and Asmodean (answers may surprise you). /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32858642

Episode 299: The Alpacalypse 08/26/2024

Episode 299: The Alpacalypse We start this episode with a long talk about swinging and end with llama-based horror. The first section of ch. 37 includes Freak TikTok, Classic Man Behaviors, Anxiety Telepathy, and a Boring Hell Dimension. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32736907

Episode 298: The Flavor-Blasted Lands 08/19/2024

Episode 298: The Flavor-Blasted Lands We're so close to the Last Battle proper! For ch. 35–36, we discuss Quadrutiary Characters, the Stupidest Faile Decision of All Time, the Second Yeeting of the Horn of Valere, the Last Map, and Unspeakable Broth Facts. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32631842

Episode 297: Olympic Boob Athletes 08/12/2024

Episode 297: Olympic Boob Athletes It's ch. 33–34, and at this point we are begging for Slayer to have an anime makeover and become a compelling villain. We talk about Bullying/Objectifying Men, Ocean's FedEx, the Third Gavroche Episode in a Row, and Double Lobotomies. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32537497

Episode 296: Taken by Wolves (Erotic) 07/29/2024

Episode 296: Taken by Wolves (Erotic) Is this book romantasy all of a sudden? Ch. 31–32 have that Old Man Love Story, Trebuchet v. Trebuchet, Traveling Zoom Calls, Beefing It at the Finish Line, Bryne's Cry for Help, and Galgan's Lingerie. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32325737

Episode 295: Candlemaker Seppuku 07/22/2024

Episode 295: Candlemaker Seppuku Ch. 28–30 are frustrating and repetitive. We talk about Lan's Lobotomy, Edgelord Moridin, Cringe Gateways, Logain's Dramatic Entrances, Mr. Gavroche, and how the Impotence Metaphor Has Gone Too Far. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32243722

Episode 294: The First-Ever Thawed Wife 07/15/2024

Episode 294: The First-Ever Thawed Wife Ch. 26–27 have us thinking that maybe some wives would be better off fridged. We also talk about Gawyn's Thousand Typewriters, Egwene with a Steel Chair, Boob Honks, Letting Evil Bashere Cook, and Deus Ex Fallen Raken. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/32147202

Episode 293: Lanfearance 07/01/2024

Episode 293: Lanfearance It's both Lanfear-appearance and Lanfear-interference (same thing). For ch. 24–25, we talk about the Rod Holder, Theoden King Wannabes, the Power of God and Anime, the Moridin Pieta, and we ask: Where's the Jingle-Jangle of It All? /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31955557

Episode 292: The Cringe to Gay Forsaken Spectrum 06/24/2024

Episode 292: The Cringe to Gay Forsaken Spectrum Ch. 22–23 may make real Wheel of Time scholars out of us. We talk about the Shemandreds, a "Phantom Menace" Version of Demandred, how Lanfear's Job Here Is Done, the Failed Evil Plans Badge, and Moiraine's AK-47. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31860222

Episode 291: Jingle Jangle It's the Dark One 06/10/2024

Episode 291: Jingle Jangle It's the Dark One He's just a little guy! Anyway, for ch. 20–21, we're Going Off the Map (in a bad way). Also, Demandred Is a Dumpling, Egg's Got That Dog in Her, It's Lobotomy Tent: Part Two, and Androl Fails to Ocean's Eleven Us. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31674237

Episode 290: Happy Pride to Bald Hair 06/03/2024

Episode 290: Happy Pride to Bald Hair Okay, his name's Baldhere, but Bald Hair is funnier. For ch. 18–19, we talk about how Everybody Hates Jonny Fairplay, the Definition of Tragedy, Rand's Identity Theft, Agelmar Almost Using the Pope Slur, Gawyn's Incest Panic, and Mat's Princess Diaries Moment. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31573147

Episode 289: R.I.P. Deepe 05/28/2024

Episode 289: R.I.P. Deepe For ch. 16–17, we go through some of Wheel of Time's Worst Hits: Grass and Manslaughter (It's Ecofascism!), He's Got That Horse In Him, Dark One Gunk, Min's Two Tasks, and Rand's Orpheus Swag. It's a cringe compilation, y'all. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31488572

Episode 288: R.I.P. Rand's Hand (But Not Mat's Eye) 05/20/2024

Episode 288: R.I.P. Rand's Hand (But Not Mat's Eye) Those disability politics just can't be consistent, huh? For ch. 14–15, we talk about Sidekick Gaul, Getting ROOTED, Willpower Saving the Day, A Bit of Actual Romance, and Don't It Always Seem to Go? /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31377097

Episode 287: R.I.P. Perrin's 94 Dead Relatives 05/14/2024

Episode 287: R.I.P. Perrin's 94 Dead Relatives For ch. 11–13, we talk about Mmsexy Tingling, Retconning Mat's Time in Ebou Dar, Mazrim Taim's Supervillain Resume (he got the job!), Lanfear Closure, Padan Fain Un-Closure, the Trolloc Meat Grinder, and the Hater Zone. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31282762

Episode 286: R.I.P. Bulen 05/06/2024

Episode 286: R.I.P. Bulen Who's Bulen? Who cares? For ch. 9–10, we talk about Helvetica Lord of the Rings, the Epic Highs and Lows of Warfare, Citing Scripture ("Artemis Fowl"), Captain Planet Narishma, Lan's End, Basement Time with Androl, and French Mime War Profiteering. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31137298

Episode 285: R.I.P. The Entire City of Caemlyn 04/29/2024

Episode 285: R.I.P. The Entire City of Caemlyn Ch. 7–8 take us into the next stage of this book: prolonged warfare. We talk about Rebel With Claws, UN Meeting Bouncer, a Damocles' Sword but Positive, the Bond of Brotherhood, the Horn of Valere Heist, and our Upcoming Bones Podcast. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/31025558

Episode 284: R.I.P. Darlin's Sanity 04/22/2024

Episode 284: R.I.P. Darlin's Sanity Ch. 5–6 take us to the fantasy U.N. summit, and it could only be more Jordan-ish if there were nude women for no reason. We talk about Official Court Spankings, the Aiel as Cops, Rand's Unrealistic Goals, Egg Throwing Shoes, and the Literal Four Horsemen. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30909068

Episode 283: R.I.P. Those "Unconscious" Asha'man 04/15/2024

Episode 283: R.I.P. Those "Unconscious" Asha'man Chapters 3–4 are here! We talk about Sports Polyamory (the ideal polyamory), "Frankenskank," Characters' Wild Priorities, Rand and Moridin Touching "Balefire," Checking Off Romance Boxes, and Women's Piss Mazes. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30821608

Episode 282: R.I.P. Talmanes (PSYCH!) 04/08/2024

Episode 282: R.I.P. Talmanes (PSYCH!) We're off to a pretty slow start with ch. 1–2. We get more of Rand's Weird Era, not to mention his Deadbeat Dad Era (the cat's in the cradle ...), plus the Arousal/Anger Constant, Black Tower Propaganda, Androl Is Bella Swan, and a whole lot of Genre Confusion. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30723773

Episode 281: R.I.P. Darrell K. Sweet 04/01/2024

Episode 281: R.I.P. Darrell K. Sweet We read the prologue (yes, the entire prologue) of AMoL and talk about pacing and heroism, plus Sally's Psychic Powers, Rand's Tibetan Sky Burial, New Sword Move: Piss Your Pants, the Sequel to "The Village," and the Myrddraal Breakroom. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30617508

Episode 280: Don't You Want to Rescue Me? 03/19/2024

Episode 280: Don't You Want to Rescue Me? We finish up ToM with celebrations of Gawyn's Puka Shell Necklace, Pevara's Hut, the Tower of Ghenjei Locksmith, Graendal's Turbo Hell, and Olver's Mail Fraud, while condemning how ultimately pointless Moiraine's "death" was. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30430793

Episode 279: A Creepily Slow Rendition of "Bad Romance" 03/11/2024

Episode 279: A Creepily Slow Rendition of "Bad Romance" Welcome to the Tower of Ghenjei! Is that David Bowie? For ch. 53–55, we talk about the Need to Be Told "No," Gay Old Dens, Helm's Deep Recruitment, the Finn Serving You-Know-What, Dune Box Mist, and Melodramatic Screaming. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30315163

Episode 278: The 9/11 Episode of "Bones" 03/04/2024

Episode 278: The 9/11 Episode of "Bones" For ch. 50–52, we talk about Elayne's Bobby Fischer Political Move, her Pet Frenchmen, Libel/Slander Against Lews Therin, the Little Sun Tzu in Emily's Brain, Uber Driver Perrin, and B. Sanderson's Inversion of Terry Pratchett's "Boots Theory." /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30214283

Episode 277: Babies Channeling 02/26/2024

Episode 277: Babies Channeling You know, like balefire, from their eyeballs? Like laser vision? Anyway. For ch. 48–49 we discuss how Everything is the Aiel's Fault, Rand's Mega Sperm, Asmodean Moiraine, and the Cowboy Lightbringers. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30105813

Episode 276: Hashtag Love Wins 02/19/2024

Episode 276: Hashtag Love Wins Ch. 45–47 are great for representation: representation of insufferable politicians (Elayne), men who wear unnecessary disguises (Galad), "cool" nerds (Androl), men who hate the club (Perrin), and people who should just be murdered (Mazrim Taim, Tuon). /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/30011168

Episode 275: King Virgin and Queen Slut 02/12/2024

Episode 275: King Virgin and Queen Slut Who wants to bet on whether this title ends up censored? For ch. 42–44, we talk about Feelings Impermanence, Marriage Bumpers, Prince Loser, the New Kardashians, and Failed Nostalgia. /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/29899098

Episode 274: Perrin's Feelings Exhibition 02/05/2024

Episode 274: Perrin's Feelings Exhibition Despite the title, ch. 39–41 are action-packed (though sadly there is no battlefield kissing). Discussion includes: We Need More Explosions, Getting Right with God, IKEA Pack-It-Up Forges, Galad's Deprogramming, and Who Is Nakomi Plaza? /episode/index/show/everybodyhatesrand/id/29797728

Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

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