Hand in Hand Parenting: The Podcast

When children's behavior is difficult, parents need support, good information, and practical tools to reduce stress, understand their child's emotions, and build cooperation and warm connection in the family. Join Elle Kwan and Abigail Wald as they share the Hand in Hand Parenting approach with useful examples and stories from real parents like you.

Am I Doing This Right? 07/18/2023

What to Do When Your Child is Hitting 07/11/2023

Parenting After Separation: Revolutionary Ideas to Support Kids Through Divorce 07/04/2023

Does Birth Order Make a Difference? 06/27/2023

Helping Tweens and Teens Feel Heard: How to Respond Well When Your Older Child Needs to Let Off Steam 06/26/2023

Reset Your Day With Roughhousing With Special Guest Lawrence Cohen 06/24/2023

Keeping Connection Strong With Your Tween or Teen With Kirsten Nottleson 06/20/2023

Rebuilding Connections: How to Repair With Your Kids After Losing Your Cool 05/31/2023

The Guilt-free Parent: How to Let Go of Guilt and Navigate Your Parent Journey With Compassion 05/23/2023

Finding the Fun: Get Strategies for More Fun and Laughter in Your Daily Life With Kids 05/16/2023

How to Shift the Seriousness and Stress of Parenting and Have More Fun Instead 05/09/2023

How to Shift the Seriousness and Stress of Parenting and Have More Fun Instead It’s natural to want to react quickly as a parent. Whether your child has spilled their juice all over the carpet, or they’re refusing to do their homework, a first instinct is often to scold or discipline them – even if you made 100 vows not to. However, today hosts Emily and Kathy talk about an alternative approach that might seem a bit unconventional at first. It’s a way you can really close the gap between being the happy, free parent you want to be, and the angry, frustrated parent that so often pops out of your mouth. (It happens to us all!) This week, Emily and Kathy are discussing how to stop angry, reactive responses using laughter or silliness. And although it might sound a bit silly, this technique can actually be incredibly effective in reducing stress and tension, both for you and your child. Sometimes all it takes is a quick burst of humor or silliness to turn a frustrating situation into a fun and lighthearted one. This kind of playful redirection doesn’t always come easy. After all, being a parent is a serious job, and it can be hard to let go of our adult responsibilities and just be silly. That’s why Emily and Kathy also share simple ways to identify and redirect your frustrations, with plenty of ideas you can try out to get started. After all, when you are laughing with your child – that’s one less thing to stress about. Tune In To Hear: How laughter actually helps you to access your thinking, responding brain so you don’t blurt out hurtful words or say things out of anger. Why it’s helpful to identify the sensations you feel when you begin to get triggered, so you can take action quickly. A primer on the flight/fright/freeze system that tangles our thoughts and actions. Many playful responses you can try right away, as soon as you feel frustration starting. Why you should learn to love potty humor as much as your kids do! /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083910

5 Ways to Finally Overcome Yelling 04/17/2023

Why Is It So Hard to Stop Yelling? 09/20/2022

Why Is It So Hard to Stop Yelling? Is your parent template set to “yell” and “lose it” - and how can you de-program these go-to reactions? You might think Hand in Hand tools sound great – on paper. In real life, getting present, being patient, and setting kind limits? That can be really hard! Research says that in tough moments parents often default to a sort of “response template” they absorbed growing up. The thinking goes that if you got yelled at as a child, yelling is very hard to give up – especially in tense moments. If your brother or sister was mean or hit you, you may find yourself losing it when you see your children repeating similar behaviors. If your parents set no limits, attempting to set them with your kids can send you into overwhelm. The truth is, childhood affects how you were parented. And this is why deprogramming what you picked up feels difficult. This week Emily and Kathy share how Hand in Hand’s tool, Listening Partnerships helps parents break old patterns and responses. This powerful one-to-one tool really helps identify triggers and overcome them. So you can respond how you want, even when your children’s behavior gets hard. Tune In To Hear: How letting loose on your current frustrations about parenting or your child’s behavior clears it from your system so you can go back to your kids more playfully and with patience. The “I Quit” exercise that blasts away overwhelm, parent guilt, or stress. Using your own tantrums to shift old patterns and reactions. Why when you can catch default patterns and override them, you retrain your brain and create new go-to ways to respond. Why standing up and forgiving yourself is so important when you want to stay calm around behavior, set limits, or hold space for your child’s feelings. The secret powers of a safe space and “you are good,” thinking for shifting old hurts and current tensions, and how this helps you find the freedom to parent respectfully. Discover why your child’s behavior can trigger your own sense of powerlessness so you lose it, and one tool you can use to change that reaction. The three keys to a powerful Listening Partnership. /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083765

This Is a Better Solution Than Self-care for Parents 09/16/2022

Stop Threats and Bribes If You Want to Build More Cooperation 09/13/2022

Stop Threats and Bribes If You Want to Build More Cooperation This connection-first approach is far more effective than threats or bribes. Most parents don’t intend to threaten or bribe. But it’s easier to do than you may think. Take a look: “If you don’t tidy up the blocks now, you can’t go to the park.” “How about you just put the blocks in a pile for now…and tidy them later. Otherwise we’ll be late for the park.” “If you tidy the blocks up now, we can go to the park – and maybe even get an ice cream.’ “If you don’t tidy the blocks, I won’t let you play with them later.” “Tidy up right now, or time out.” Consequences. Negotiations. Bribes or rewards. Punishments. They are all threats. The threat comes as soon as a parents bigness or authority is used to force a child. But how well do these methods work when you want your children to cooperate? Maybe once or twice. If you are here reading this, you probably found they fail after a few tries. Your child starts questioning or bargaining or fighting back. Often, things end in a power battle, with your child in tears on the floor. Then? Yelling or timeouts. Or maybe you just relent. Trying to get things done using these methods is draining for parents. Confusing for kids. And doesn’t feel good for either side. It’s a kind of powerlessness that eats away at good relationships. But there is another way to build cooperation so that chores are not, well, a chore. Because aren’t we all more eager to pitch in when we feel good and connected? In this week’s podcast Emily and Kathy show you how connection can help you build cooperation and get things done. And how you can put connection first to build that cooperation. These methods not only feel more playful and enjoyable – they also sit better in your heart. Tune In To Hear: Why threats are based in fear and powerlessness and how to turn that around Using connection as preventative medicine, and why this is so effective before you make a request Mock threats, playful dares, and other great ways to inspire cooperation How using play when you feel powerless can be empowering What about authority? Why setting limits and building cooperation this way can feel counter-intuitive Go-to stress reducers to use when you feel frustrated – silent yelling, opera asks and accents Why creating a family culture of silliness, play and mistake-making builds long-term trust and connection /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083715

How to Set Limits Without Anger & Punishments (and Still Get Things Done) 09/06/2022

How to Use Little Limits Stop a Child's Whining, Neediness & Pestering 08/31/2022

How to Use Little Limits Stop a Child's Whining, Neediness & Pestering What these behaviors really mean, and how to see them off without blowing your top. Whining… Pestering… Days when everything has to be “just right” for your child. These behaviors can be very triggering and really push on a parent’s buttons. Unless they know how to read the behavior. In this podcast, Kathy and Emily jump into “pretexts,” (behavior that asks for a limit). They share how these pretexts are kind of like your child’s emotional system asking for a reset, and how pretexts show up in behaviors like teariness, neediness, perfectionism – when a child has to have everything “just so,” – and whining. Plus how you can use a little limit to your advantage – and your child’s – to stop the behavior before it drives you to your last nerve and results in a big meltdown. Little limits are the ideal solution if your child has been a little off-track for days… …If it feels like they have something bothering them but you just aren’t sure what. And if you’d like a gentle way to restore easygoing cooperation and see your child happy again! Join Emily and Kathy and discover how you can use little limits to handle a child’s pretext – and curb their whiny, needy, or pestering behavior. Tune In To Hear: The little-known connection between stuck emotions and your child’s whining, pestering, perfectionism and other offtrack behaviors. How saying no to a small thing your child whines or complains about gives them space to clear a deeper upset – and how that shows up in easier behavior. Yes! There’ll be smiles and cooperation again soon! Don’t be surprised if your child has a big hearty cry over something really small. Why kids can get deeply upset over little things – and why it can be good for both of you. Identifying when your child needs a little limits: What does their behavior signal to you, plus, when is a good time to hold your limit or say no to a request? All about “emotional splinters”: Why setting little limits is like pulling an emotional splinter out early, so there’s less inflammation to treat later. Common times for pretexts. Which of these annoying behaviors crop up in your family? Try overcoming them using this little limit approach. Got a big event coming up? How to set limits early when you want things to go easier later on. /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083640

Three Steps to Setting Good, Effective Limits (Step 1) 08/23/2022

Three Steps to Setting Good, Effective Limits (Step 1) Emily and Kathy introduce step one of Hand in Hand’s 3-step strategy for setting limits: Listen, Limit, Listen. Backtalk and power struggles aren’t fun for anyone. So it’s easy to get stuck dancing around when and how to set a limit. What happens when you ask your child to turn off the TV and they don’t? A second request? A lecture? A criticism that they never listen? What if your child negotiates for another five minutes. Or tells you their friend watches for hours? Hmmm. Could you, should you, change your plan? No wonder lines around limits get blurry. And boundaries are repeatedly pushed. In this podcast, Emily and Kathy share Hand in Hand’s simple three-step strategy for setting effective limits. These limits take away second-guessing and indecision. They actually allow you a pause before setting a limit, and a little space for experimentation. So that when you do set a limit you aren’t conflicted. You know the need, boundary and expectation. Plus, these limits are respectful of parent and child. Which is why kids do listen to them. Ready to stop wondering about when you should set a limit? Or what to do if your limit goes unheard? Hear how Emily and Kathy explain this simple three-step strategy for setting limits, and get your introduction to the first step: Listen. Tune In To Hear: Why taking a minute to tune in gives you vital information before you set your limit. Sweetie, what’s the plan?” – and other ways to check in with your child without conflict. How to step back from triggering thoughts and responses when your child doesn’t immediately comply. Making use of your pause: Do you want to set a limit and what’s the best way right now? Respecting boundaries on both sides – why setting limits this way puts connection, and your relationship, first. What about when you don’t have time? Emergency measures when you just have to be somewhere or get something done. How to avoid the patient, patient, patient, blow up and lose it pattern. /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083545

Surprise Cures for Arguing, Whining and Backtalk 08/16/2022

Surprise Cures for Arguing, Whining and Backtalk Treating this verbal off-track behavior as defiance doesn't help it stop. Read on to learn what you can do instead. Logic and negotiation are great skills for kids to possess. But when your child uses these “little lawyer” skills to try and get out of a limit you set, it can be compelling, convincing – and very draining. One minute you are sure of yourself and your boundaries and the next you’re second guessing. Or maybe you just want them to do as you asked and lose it when they don’t. If this back-and-forth conflicts resonates, this week’s podcast is for you. Emily and Kathy explain how very often this kind of arguing, backtalk and whining response is not at all rooted in true logic or reason – no matter how convincing it sounds. Also, it isn’t simply defiance. In fact, surprise! This kind of response has more in common with tantrums and meltdowns. And when you can reach under the behavior to a child’s true need, the backtalk and whining will shift. Your child will show up more generous, cooperative and actually reasonable. Discover how. Listen in to this podcast and learn some surprise cures to shift whining, pushback, reasoning and negotiation – without being driven to your last nerve. Tune In To Hear: Why whining, backtalk and even the most compelling negotiation is more like a tantrum or big cry than you might imagine. How to recognise when your child is really practicing their negotiation skills and the times when their feelings are driving a verbally aggressive response. Understanding where verbal offtrack behavior and verbal aggression comes from. But where’s the “discipline”? Learn why these responses are connecting and effective, not permissive. Why your child doesn’t even like responding like this! One way to test your child’s signals to see if they are off-track. Why overfilling your child’s real need can solve the backtalk. How a playful response can quickly shift offtrack verbal behavior /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083520

What if Asking Why Your Kids Won't Listen is the Wrong Question? 08/09/2022

What if Asking Why Your Kids Won't Listen is the Wrong Question? Re-evaluating how we think about “misbehavior,” when kids don’t do as we ask. Emily and Kathy look at the common parenting question, “Why won’t my kids listen,” from a whole new angle… …From inside the brain of an upset, disconnected child. It’s what you could think of as an “emotional emergency,” that stops kids listening and cooperating. And when you can see misbehavior from this angle, it becomes a whole different thing other than button-pushing behavior. Kathy explains how she mis-interpreted her son early on, and used everything from reasoning and explaining to yelling as she tried and tried – unsuccessfully – to get him to listen. And Emily talks about the mental pictures she uses to stay calm and anchor her children when they hit this emotional emergency state. It’s this warm openness that helps move a child from feeling stuck and upset. Then they can recover their good sense of thinking and natural willingness to be involved and help. The process is insightful, trust-building and deeply supportive of the caregiver/child relationship. Which is why it cannot be compared to usual go-to methods like star charts, rewards, and timeouts. Listen in today to find out how moving from the question “Why won’t my kids listen,” to “Why CAN’T my kids listen,” changes everything you thought you knew about kids, cooperation, and setting limits. And how it can help create deep understanding that fosters a child’s sense of good judgment and cooperation. Tune In To Hear: Why explaining, reasoning, bargaining and rewards have such little effect when a child is already signaling they are off-track. Understanding the brain’s different processing systems and how they relate to behavior. Getting clear on the difference between having a child listen and having them obey. Why “If they could, they would,” is a helpful phrase when a child gets stuck and reactive. Why physical connection can be a crucial first step when you see your child is stuck. Overcoming the backlog of frustration and your own need to have a child do what you ask right away so you can show up authentically and reach a child on their emotional level. Combining warmth, few words, and a firm limit is the key for getting back on track. The emotional system and how it senses non-verbal communication. Why a child can’t listen when their systems hit an emotional overload. Why calming a child is not the ultimate goal. How to move a child from “emotional emergency,” with barely any words. /episode/index/show/handinhandparenting/id/40083450