Style With Intention Podcast

A podcast about finding happiness at the intersection of personal style and personal development.

#40 - Letting Go To Find Yourself, with Renee Carlson 06/25/2019

#39 - Living A Life of Travel and Adventure with Judy Hughes 06/20/2019

#38 - Yoga Is Not A Weapon, with Dr. Dawn Davis 05/28/2019

#37 - Creating a Business Out Of Messy, Real Life With Rene Carlson 05/21/2019

#36 - Letting Go Of Control When You’re Parenting Teens with Dr. Dawn Davis 05/14/2019

#35 - How Smart and Successful Women Get and Keep Relationships, with Dr. Sharon Cohen 05/08/2019

#34 - Creating Holistic Personal Style With Elysha Lenkin 04/16/2019

#33 - Shifting Your Identity To Have More Of What You Want 04/09/2019

#32 - How To Overcome Worried Thinking with Dr. Dawn Davis 04/02/2019

#31 - Getting Sober With Renee Carlson 03/27/2019

#30 - USE SOCIAL MEDIA TO BRING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT INTO FOCUS 01/30/2019

#29 - Feng Shui Solutions With Kerri Gray Miller 01/15/2019

#28 - How Your Environment Defines Your Personal Style 12/11/2018

#27 - Ways Your Home Decorating Project Gets Stuck and How To Fix Them 12/04/2018

#26 - Are You Playing Small? 11/27/2018

#25 - Blindspots In Your Home and The Subconscious Messages Your Home May Be SendingTo You 11/14/2018

#24 - How To Find Your Calling 11/13/2018

#23 - Like She Owns The Place - with Cara Alwill Leyba 07/12/2018

#22 - Reprogram Your Subconscious So You Can Feel Genuinely Happier 04/24/2018

#22 - Reprogram Your Subconscious So You Can Feel Genuinely Happier A step-by-step method for choosing the way you want to feel and accessing genuinely happier feelings. You can reprogram your subconscious in as little as 17 seconds. The biggest takeaways from this episode: Why you can't "just relax" or "calm down." A step-by-step method to experience the feelings you want to have. The control you do have over your subconscious feelings. A faster and easier to go from a low vibration to a high vibration. Hey there, Thanks for being here today! Welcome to the Today's episode is all about wrangling your subconscious to give you the conscious experiences you want to have. Feelings of contentment, eagerness, optimism, and joy. as I share everything I've learned about the way our subconscious deals with emotions and how you can take control and access the better emotions you want to feel. When we understand how something works - it's easier to manage. This is the science behind our feelings! Our bonus content this week gives you the specific steps you can take to get into a better feeling state, so be sure to download the one-page worksheet which will teach you by clicking . As always, my goal is to make it quicker and easier for you to access more ease, joy, and intention in your life...because happy looks really, really good! If you’re new to podcasts, check out our for everything you need to know about downloading and listening to podcasts from your iPhone. If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #22 HOW TO REPROGRAM YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS SO YOU CAN FEEL GENUINELY HAPPIER Welcome to the Style With Intention podcast, where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and today I’m going to share with you a trick I discovered. It’s literally something you can do every single time you are starting to notice feelings that you don’t want to have. This it s way to literally re-program your subconscious - and it’s more than just “think your happy thoughts” and believe that everything will all be okay. That doesn’t work for me. And if you’ve been trying to just be positive, you have probably found that it doesn’t work for you either. I know how ridiculous it is to say that to someone who’s feeling down. Just saying the words doesn’t work - but I’ve found that this technique really works for me when I’m feeling down. We’ve talked on this podcast about energetic vibration - and how that is tied to what you experience in your conscious reality. When you’re in a low mood, you can get sort of stuck in that low energetic vibrational place. I know what it’s like to be in a low mood. When things are challenging with my kids, particularly, I found myself getting down and a little blue. I knew I should just get out and go for a walk to try to shake off the mood, but honestly, I didn’t feel like it. I was just sort of stuck in my blue mood and needed a way to get myself out of it that didn’t take a lot of effort. I also noticed that there were times in my life when I could feel the higher energetic vibration. Sometimes, it had to do with what was going on - like after a really great meeting with a client or spending a great weekend with the beau. But there were times when a good feeling would seem to materialize out of nowhere and I wanted more of that. I’d find myself smiling at a thought or sort of car-dancing when as Earth, Wind, and Fire song came on the radio. Yes, I’m a girl who still loves all of the 80’s R and B and disco - from Al Jerreau to Rick James to The Commodores. Yes, I love them all. And you can’t stop me from dancing if they’re playing - but we can’t always be blasting Boogie Wonderland, now can we? I was interested in figuring out how to get more of that good feeling more of the time. If it came out of nowhere and felt so real that I could feel it in my body, I thought we must be able to summon it or conjure it up somehow. It was in listening to a recording of in which they were simply asking a person whether they would rather feel “happy” or “sad,” Discouraged” or “encouraged,” bored” or “passionate” - and it gave me the idea to make this into a meditative process for myself. says that it takes a minimum of 17 seconds of pure thought to activate the vibrational energy - and if you can string together several sessions of 17 seconds of pure, focused feeling and thought - you can actually make the vibration strong enough to start manifestation of those feelings and thoughts. If you can increase the time up to 68 seconds, you’re really getting into a powerful place of managing your thoughts and energetic vibration. Being down is a very low vibrational frequency - and it helps to have this process to follow without having to think. It’s a way of just “being” in the feeling you would rather be having. You know I’m not a doctor and I’m just sharing what I’m learning along the way - but if you’re feeling a little blue or stressed out or discouraged -- or if you just want to know what it feels like to actually raise your vibration - I invite you to give this a try. I am excited to share this with you because it’s something anyone can do, anytime, anywhere. And you don’t have to like 80’s R&B and you don’t have to dance. In fact, I start this exercise right where you are. In your own funky town - the blue place full of feelings you don’t really want to be having. Here’s how it works: Instead, of jumping right to the happy feeling you want, my suggestion is the create the real good feelings you want to have in baby steps. This is based on my understanding that you have to feel a feeling, really feel it in your body, for your brain to accept it. Simply saying happy things to yourself doesn’t work - as anyone who’s been told to “just relax” or “calm down” or “get happy” can tell you. That doesn’t work. To me, it feels like the feeling it just outside of my reach. When I say things like that to myself, it just doesn’t stick. (and yes, I do believe that choosing to intentionally smile instead of frown, can help your body produce the chemicals that lead to a happier feeling - but this is an even fast route to genuine good feelings.) At the end of this episode, I’m going to do this with you - right on this recording, so you can queue it up anytime you need a little boost. We’re going to do it together and I’m going to guide you so you can learn to do it for yourself. I’ve also made a one-page worksheet called for this episode's to get you started on your own. You can use the words on this one-page sheet to get all the benefit I am going to describe to you now. Or you can take my example and create something that is unique for you. Usually, I do this first thing in the morning but I also do it whenever I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed. For instance, if I feel like my work is sort of a struggle. Or I’m feeling distracted or getting down about something. It only takes a few minutes and you can do it whenever and as many times it it makes sense for you. I use the Timer function on my iPhone and a list of words - first a word that identifies the feeling I don’t want, and then a word that is the opposite of that word. I think this will make more sense as I show you how it works. First I set my timer to 17 seconds - but I don’t start it yet. I start by just sitting still, closing my eyes, and letting myself feel the bad feeling just for a few seconds - for example struggle. I don’t fight it, I just sort of get into it for a few seconds, instead of resisting it - just for a few seconds. In the example of “struggle” - first, I might imagine how it feels when I’m working on a podcast and can’t get the right words to say what I want to say. I’m at my desk and staring out the window and panicking a little that I’m wasting time and I’ve got other things to do and my shoulders are hunching up and I’m getting tighter and tighter. I sit in “struggle” just until I can really feel it - and then I imagine the opposite. The opposite of struggle would feel like ease to me. At this point, I press the Start button and imagine the same scenario if ease were there instead of struggle. I close my eyes and for a full 17 seconds, I really try to get into the opposite feeling. I let this word and the feelings associated with it just wash over me, like a warm shower. In my mind, I imagine specific examples of how it would feel - how it would show up in my life, what my body would feel like if I had the opposite feeling. When there’s ease, I can’t type fast enough because the words just flow out of me. I get into this feeling and try to really feel my fingers flying across my keyboard, typing, typing typing. And I try to feel how satisfying it feels when my words come out so easily and just make sense. I’m excited about the things I want to say and new insights I come to as I write and I think and before I know it - I’ve got a podcast written and ready to go. Then I imagine myself sitting down to record it and I feel how the words just flow so naturally out of my mouth. It feels so good to get it done so easily. By now the 17-seconds have gone by and the alarm has chimed. Optimally, you move right on to the next unwanted emotion word and it’s opposite word. The more times you spend 17 seconds imagining and really getting into the positive emotion, the better and better you will feel. If you can increase the time you focus on the positive emotion from 17 to 34 and then to 51 all the way to 68 that’s awesome - the more solidly you will be reprogramming your subconscious to feel the way you want to feel and activating that vibrational energy in your life. You are giving your brain the actual body-experience of those emotions you want to be having. You are reprogramming your brain’s neural pathways to be more comfortable and familiar with the positive emotions than the negative emotions. I’ve been doing this as a meditation in the morning and I can tell you it is making a huge difference for me all day. I feel much more settled and more aligned with the lighter, happier, easier feelings I want to have inside. I’m more aware when I’m not in a mindset that is helpful to me too - now that I know I can just go through this exercise to get access to the feelings I would rather have. If you’d like to try this, stop what you’re doing for a second. Pause this recording and get yourself to a place where you can take a few minutes to sit quietly by yourself. I’m going to guide you through this with my own timer - all you have to do is imagine the words I’m telling you and try to feel the feelings in your body as I talk. Really dig in to the sensations as much as you can. Give yourself over to this for a few minutes and I guarantee you will feel better after. Okay - are you ready? For a few seconds, I want you to get into the feeling of “worried” Now put aside worried and get into the feeling of “confident” for 17 seconds. Hopeful or sure Anxious or optimistic Anxious or excited Embarrassed or proud Now...open your eyes and sort of let it sink in. How do you feel? I know when I do this exercise and really feeling the feelings, I feel lighter and freer when I’m done. And everything seems a little easier. I find that I get more done and generally feel better - sort of easy and on top of things - all day. In the , I’m sharing this list of words so you can try this immediately. It’s just a way to focus your feelings. And even though it’s sort of nice to just have a pre-made list and jump in, but I encourage you to make your own list. There might be particular bad feelings that seem to plague you all the time and you might have different words to describe the your feelings. Your list doesn’t have to be in any special order - it just has to be words that help you really conjure up the feelings so you can feel them in your body. I hope you got a really good feeling from this little exercise! Come on over to the Style With Intention Podcast website and send me a note or follow me on Instagram @AnnieKipStyle - I’d love to know how this worked for you! I’m always looking for ways to get into that good feeling state that I want to live more of my time in and share them with you - because I know that’s where all the good stuff in life happens for all of us! Until next week, keep setting up your life so that it naturally helps you feel more the way you want to feel everyday, because happy looks really, really good! Bye, bye for now! Click here to get the FREE one-page worksheet: LINKS: For more info on Abraham Hicks - http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php All about changing your brain - https://www.fastcompany.com/3045424/what-it-takes-to-change-your-brains-patterns-after-age-25 Header image by: Erol Ahmed Download the BONUS CONTENT here: /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6488340

#21 - Stories That Might Be Holding You Back 04/17/2018

#21 - Stories That Might Be Holding You Back Our lives are filled with the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of our lives - but our stories might actually be creating our experiences. You can shape your experiences by managing the stories you tell yourself. The biggest takeaways from this episode: Why we tell ourselves stories. How to know if you're telling yourself a story. The 2 ways that our stories can undermine us. How to use stories for your benefit. Hey there, Welcome to the I'm so glad you're here! Today's episode was inspired by a real-life experience I had with a friend last week. Sometimes, it takes another person's perspective to show you something about yourself - which is what this episode is all about...seeing ourselves more clearly. to learn about the stories we tell ourselves. Everyone does this! It's how we make sense of the world - but is can become a problem if we never stop and challenge our assumptions. As always, my goal is to use what I'm learning to help you. I wrap up this episode with some thoughts on making your stories work better for you - to help you feel happier...because happy looks really, really good! If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #21 STORIES THAT MIGHT BE HOLDING YOU BACK Welcome to the Style With Intention podcast, where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and today we’re talking about stories. Not the stories you find in books and magazines or on Netflix. I do love a good story but today, we’re actually talking about the stories that we tell ourselves. These are the stories we make up - to help us make sense of our lives. You know you’re telling yourself a story when you’ve interpreted something that happened (like when you decide what someone else’s motives were) and when you’ve given something meaning, or sort of mentally declared an absolute (like “I always get sick” or “people are selfish”). I do this, you do this, we all do this. Our stories are a way for us to make sense of what goes on in our daily lives and to explain why things are the way they are. We all feel better when we understand why things happen and it makes us feel more in control when we can put our experiences into a category or give ourselves a reason for why things happen. But I believe that this is a chicken and egg sort of problem - that the stories we tell ourselves can actually be creating our conscious experiences. This was really made clear to me the other day, when I was on a walk with a friend. We had the same experience, but we came away with totally different stories about what happened. On our walk, we came upon a little boy who had set up a table in his front yard and was selling some little pieces of art that he’d made. They were these things called “God’s eyes” and I remember making them in elementary school - you wrap yarn in and around two Popsicle sticks in a cross and it makes a pretty pattern. This boy was selling them for 50 cents each and he had few set out on his table. Normally, my policy is to buy from kids who are industrious enough to set up a stand in their front yard - I want to support them so whether it’s lemonade or pet rocks or artwork or whatever - I will always buy one thing from them - but I didn’t have any money with me. My friend only had a $20 in her pocket, but she decided to give him the money in exchange for everything he had out on the table. The boy took the money, closed up his shop, and went inside. As we were walking away, she wondered aloud whether the little boy realized that she had just given him such a gift - $20 for a few God’s eyes! His reaction wasn’t over the top, the way she sort of expected it to be. She said she was hoping to make this little boy feel like he was a really great artist and she hoped that making that much money would encourage him to keep making art. She thought his parents, when they realized he had a $20 bill, would probably be really grateful that a total stranger had come by and given their son so much money for his art. Her “story” was totally different from mine. I was thinking that the little boy didn’t react because he was feeling like he was getting away with murder - he got $20 for some little God’s eyes that he didn’t even put much effort into. I was thinking about how it sort of skews kid’s expectations - when people overpay kids - sort of like when everyone gets a trophy, just for showing up. I was also thinking that the mom was probably annoyed that she had thought their son was all set with an activity that would occupy him for a few hours, outside on a sunny day, but now that he sold all his goods, he was probably back inside playing video games or bored and looking for something to do. It was so funny to us to realize that we saw it so differently. We each interpreted the events based on our own experiences and hopes and worries. We came away with totally different “stories” that seemed completely true and real to each of us. It’s so interesting, but it also show how our stories can be limiting and that they can get in our way. There are 2 ways that our stories can undermine us: #1 We don’t even realize that we are telling ourselves a story. We are completely unaware - that the way we interpret the world is really just our unique perspective. My friend is an artist and she wants kids to be more creative and feel good about making art. She also wanted to give the kid a memorable experience, thinking how she would feel if she were that little kid. She thought the parents would see her generosity - the same way she saw the situation. My belief is that we should encourage and support kids who set up stands and sell things - but that we shouldn’t give extravagant rewards and skew their expectations. I think that kids will benefit more from the experience of working for what they get and that giving them too much money too easily, sets them up for disappointment and frustration later, when they see that the real world doesn’t work this way. My friend and I were amazed at how different our stories were around this one same experience. We assumed that we saw it the same way, until we started talking about it. Most of the time, it doesn’t even occur to us to second-guess our stories - we assume that there is no other way to see the situation, than the way we see it. Not stopping to notice whether we are telling ourselves a story can really undermine our ability to work together with other people and develop relationships. Seeing another person’s point of view is essential to understanding each other, to finding new ways to solve problems, negotiating win-win solutions, and just having compassion for each others experience of the world. We don’t have to all see things the same way, but the more we can be aware that we tell ourselves stories and allow for other people’s different interpretations of same events, the more we can understand each other. The second way that “stories” can undermine us, is: #2 We believe our stories are absolutely true. Not only do we not realize we are telling ourselves stories and creating meaning and context around an experience, but we just believe it’s the truth. We feel this way, so we believe it is so. As we’ve discussed on this podcast many times - Feelings are powerful, but they are not fact. For example, you can feel and therefore believe you are totally safe when you are actually in grave danger - and the opposite is true as well. Just because we feel something, does not make it true. We feel so many things all day long and those feelings become thoughts - and if we don’t check in and challenge our assumptions, they become the stories we tell ourselves. Our daily lives are filled with the stories we tell ourselves and those stories are creating our experiences. For example, I have a really grumpy neighbor. We’ll call him Mr. Grumpypants. He is super obsessed with the property line between our houses. He’s gotten it into his head that the neighbors who abutt his land are trying to infringe on his property. Now, our neighborhood is sort of open - the yards sort of flow into each other and we have a lot of those little rock walls that you see all over New England, showing approximately where the property lines are, but not a lot of fences. People are generally relaxed about the “line” and seem able to work it out if it seems like someone has made a mistake. Mr. Grumpypants has told himself a story that is creating his experience. He believes that he has to be on guard and is constantly looking for evidence that people are moving into his space. This frames how he spends his time - measuring and carefully staking the line and putting up strings to show where the line is. Going out in his yard, anytime I’m outside to check on what I’m doing. We have a really friendly neighborhood and we look out for each other - bringing food when people are sick, picking up packages and shoveling each other’s driveway when it snows if people are away. But Mr. Grumpypants is not friendly and the story he has told himself is making him more and more paranoid and isolated. I’ve actually put up a hedge to give myself some privacy and to minimize my exposure to his negativity. The hedge has now grow tall and is blocking the sun in his backyard, so the story he has told himself has created a real life situation where he has more and more reasons to be grumpy. Mr. Grumpypants believes his story that people are out to get him and so he looks for proof that this is true. He misinterprets and makes assumptions about other people’s motivations, and his conscious experience is filled with evidence that his story is true. So, if stories are this powerful, why not use them to make your life better? You know, none of the stories we tell ourselves are necessarily true. They aren’t fact or even rational all the time. We make them up based on our own experiences, our fears, our worries - yet we walk around every single say, believing our stories and acting upon them. So, why not choose a story that helps you be happier? Instead of believing that the person who cut you off in traffic did it on purpose, you could just as easily believe that they didn’t realize that they did it. Instead of telling yourself the story that you’re bad at public speaking and that you’re going to be nervous, you could just as easily believe that your presentation is going to go well. I wonder how that might positively affect your experience. Maybe you would still be nervous while you’re speaking, but you wouldn’t waste time focusing and worrying about it beforehand. And maybe you would actually be less nervous. Instead of telling yourself the story that your day is going to be crappy, you could just as easily believe that something wonderful is going to happen to you today. A positive expectation has so much more potential for creating a happy experience than a negative expectation. I think we tend toward the negative stories because we don’t want to be disappointed. Or wrong. But you’ll have a much better chance of having a good experience if you choose to believe the stories that make you feel happier. We can tell ourselves stories which will actually benefit us - giving us less stress, more positivity, and a sense of eager hopefulness. Tell yourself the story that other people mean well. Tell yourself the story that you are special and capable of big things. Tell yourself the story that everything that happens is working together for your good. Developing this outlook can only help you. The negative stories are definitely not helping. Throw yourself into this practice and I bet you’ll start to see evidence that your positive stories are true. Tomorrow morning, tell yourself a story that it’s going to be a really good day. Diligently look for proof that it’s true - and find evidence that what you really want to be true is true...that people are kind, that you are unique and special, that the world is a good place and wonderful things are waiting right around the corner for you… Put your focus on this story and I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to find evidence to support it, just as easily as you can find evidence to support any other less helpful story you tell yourself. Come drop me a note on the podcast website - - and let me know how you’re changing the stories you tell yourself. Until next week, keep on making your life more the way you want it to be. Bye, bye for now! _____ Be sure to download the Bonus Content for this episode! Header image by: Dmitry Ratushny Notes: /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6488338

#20 - Plan To Make Your Past Something To Smile About 03/21/2018

#20 - Plan To Make Your Past Something To Smile About We're going to look at our lives from the perspective of our past - 20-30 years from now - and think about whether we are happy with how we lived. The biggest takeaways from this episode: Why it's never too late to make start making your past something to smile about. How trying to keep things the same can get in your way. Why age is a privilege. Questions to ask yourself about how you want to live. Hey there, Thanks for being here today! Welcome to the In today's episode, we're going to look at our lives from the perspective of our past - 20-30 years from now - and think about whether we are happy with how we lived. Ever since I decided to get divorced (way back in 2003), I've been thinking about my life this way. I decided that I would like to look back, as an 80-year-old, and say to myself "well, THAT was an interesting ride!" rather than looking back and saying to myself, "wow, you were a really good compromiser!" for the questions you can ask yourself to more quickly get into this frame of mind and think about whether you're living the way you want to live - and whether your life will be something that yoou look back on and smile about. As always, my goal is to make it quicker and easier for you to access more ease, joy, and intention in your life...because happy looks really, really good! If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #20 PLAN TO MAKE YOUR PAST SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT Welcome to the , where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and I’m so glad you’re here today! Today, we are stepping into the perspective of your future self and we’re looking at our past and deciding if we lived the way we wanted to live. Time goes by so quickly - often we don’t want to look at the reality of that or our past - and that our days are whizzing by and they’re adding up into years. We don’t see ourselves as middle-aged - it just doesn’t feel like that! In fact, I hesitate to use that word when I’m titling an episode. Even me - I used to feel sorry for people whose kids had gone off to college. You know, I wondered - what they do all day? It just seemed sort of sad without the purpose of young kids and getting them off to school. Do they have anything to do? Are they drifting? I saw their wrinkly knees and their gray hair and I wondered - are they depressed? How could they let themselves go like that? And now I know that age is just a number - right? Well, the numbers don’t lie - 50 is half-way to 100. I resisted this fact for awhile. I put a lot of time and effort into holding onto the appearance of youth - and I was losing the battle! You know one day I was commiserating with a friend about color oing our hair. There were reasons we felt we had to keep doing it: So other people wouldn’t think we looked old. So random men would think we were pretty - which we realized was really ridiculous, because we really only cared what our partners. Then we also thought we do it because we don’t want our kids to be embarrassed of us. It was ridiculous. It wasn’t who we wanted to be. It certainly wasn’t who I wanted to be. And literally after that conversation, I stopped coloring my hair. I considered it my 50th birthday present to myself. We all do things that make us feel the way we used to feel. Everyone has their own strategy - it could be hair coloring, it could be exercising, it could be flirtations, fast cars, designer clothes, competition, or distracting yourself. There are lots of perfectly acceptable ways to cope and it’s all good until it doesn’t feel right anymore. At this point, we have a sense that we might be losing our chances to make our lives good. Sometimes, there’s a sense of urgency to that - and we feel like we need to make decisions and make changes, so we don’t lose our opportunity to finally make our lives the way we want them to be. People do all kinds of crazy (and not so crazy things) at midlife - like quitting their jobs, moving the the country, leaving their relationships, and buying stuff that makes them feel good. They hold on really tightly sometimes, not wanting things to change. They resist what “those young people are into” and they don’t want to get involved with the “new technology.” They stick to routines more than ever and they’re angry sometimes that the world is changing around them. They’re hoping they can maintain the status quo, which can end up feeling sort of restrictive and controlling to the people around them. And sometimes, that brings about changes in their relationships, and their jobs, and their friends that they are trying so hard to avoid. This is a time for clarification for all of us. We all have to look at ourselves and decide if this is how we want our lives to be. No one want to look back with regrets. We’re standing in this unique place where we can look back at the past and see how we didn’t actually appreciate how young we were 10 years ago, and we can look forward and see that someday, we might wish for the way we feel right now, in spite of the wrinkles and the gray hair and the aches and pains. I’d like to suggest that age is a privilege. It gives us the unique ability and perspective to choose our battles. To figure out what really matters. We don’t have to resign ourselves to becoming irrelevant and invisible, just because we’re at middle age. Time is going by, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We’ve lived long enough to see that, no matter how hard things might seem - even when the stock market crashes - we will get through them. All good things do show up, out of nowhere sometimes, when we least expect it. It’s taken this many years to become who we are. Now is the time to really zero in on what we like about ourselves and what we want. Refining our vision, we can finally be who we want to be. We can own it! When our kids were little, we had to put our needs aside. We couldn’t even lift our heads up to look around and think about our lives. The days were so long, I remember, but looking back, the years were short. It’s okay now to think about what we want. We’ve paid our dues in a way. Yeah, my kids still need me. I think they’ll always need us and we’ll always want to be there for them, but the endless little league games are no more. And those school concerts, which were so tortuous, and driving to activities is behind us. We can start to kind of pick our heads up and look around and take stock. What’s going to be next for us? Who do we want to be in our kids lives? What’s the trajectory we’re on, because we will probably become more of the way we already are, unless we choose to do something different. The next half of our lives could be the best half. What if we genuinely believed that? How would that change how you live everyday? What do you think that would do for your mind and opening it up to new possibilties and new opportunities and solutions you’d never considered before? What would that do for the moments? How would you live them differently? Would you appreciate them more? Would you walk away from fights? Would you love more? This podcast is about creating a life that’s based on feeling great - and all the benefits that naturally come from that - confidence, style, deep connections, self-awareness, manifesting, and feeling happy every day. It’s about living the truth - choosing what you do and think intentionally and owning your own brilliance. I have plenty of insights and tips and real life stories and interviews coming up, but this is an evolving project and I always want to hear from you - what you do and don’t like, and what serves you best. I’m sort of on a mission to make middle-age our new prime. Figure out what your vision for yourself is and figure out how you’re going to make it real. Start with how you want to feel - start with yourself. This is the sweet spot. Become the person who lives that life you see for yourself and the possibilities will open up. It’s never too late. The truest “you” you can be, is the best gift you can give your family and friends. On the podcast, we’ll keep strategizing about what would move the needle toward happier. We’ll tease out what’s weighing you down, we’ll figure out how to get the gumption to do what the thing we think we cannot do. Together, we’ll look at what requires us to dig deep, when it’s worth it, and what you need to let go of sometimes. We’ll figure out where you can shine and what you can do to shine more. And let your enthusiasm just sweep you along. The things you’ve been putting off may be the most rewarding. The solutions may surprise you with their elegant simplicity. Whatever it is you do, do it for yourself at this point in your life. In the end, there is only you. You’re solely accountable for your one small life. Let’s walk away from all the years of striving, and start to enjoy and embrace who we’ve become - and get excited about where we’re headed next. It’s about time. When your past is all you have left, will you smile at yourself? Let’s make sure you do! _____ Be sure to download the Bonus Content for this episode! /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6381774

#19 - How To Give Up The Struggle and Just Be 03/21/2018

#19 - How To Give Up The Struggle and Just Be Struggle and effort are not helping you get what you want. The faster, easier way to have what you really want is to get crystal clear about how it would feel to already have whatever it is that you want - and literally step into that feeling to bring the actual experience into your life. The biggest takeaways from this episode: How struggle and effort don't really help - and actually gets in your way. Why feelings matter more than actions. The difference between "being" and "doing." A faster and easier way to get what you really want than struggle. Hey there, Thanks for being here today! Welcome to the Today's episode is all about giving up the struggle. Stopping the go, go, go of "doing" things to get where we want to go and have what we want to have. There's a faster, easier way - and that is "being." I share what this looks like in my own life and give specific examples that I'm sure you'll relate to. My personal experience with giving up struggle and getting into a really positive "being" state has been remarkable. It's just a whole lot easier. I find that I get more done, without noticing the time go by - and, I'm now noticing that, when I'm not in this state, everything feels like a slooooow slog. for three questions you can ask yourself to more quickly get into the genuine feeling of already having what you want - so you can be in alignment with the experience of it and have this experience in your life. Our bonus content this week expands on those questions, so be sure to download it by clicking . As always, my goal is to make it quicker and easier for you to access more ease, joy, and intention in your life...because happy looks really, really good! If you’re new to podcasts, check out our for everything you need to know about downloading and listening to podcasts from your iPhone. If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #19 HOW TO GIVE UP THE STRUGGLE AND JUST BE Welcome to the , where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and I’m so glad you’re here today! Today, we’re talking about how to stop the struggle - the feeling that you have to try really hard, and concentrate, and focus, and put all kinds of effort into getting what you want. It could be struggle in your business - to get clients, or maybe you want to get a promotion or strike out on your own. Or maybe you just figure out your calling - you know what you’re good at. It could be your relationship - you want it to be better, you want to talk it out, hash out the issues and be clear and understood once and for all. This is totally me - I used to think that if I could just get the beau to understand what I’m saying and what I mean and what I need - everything would be okay. The conventional wisdom is that we have to work really hard to get what we want. We have to wait. We have to sacrifice. I’ve felt that way myself - and it doesn’t feel good. And the more I’m in that state of mind, the more it weighs on me and gets heavier and heavier. I hate feeling that way, so I came up with a plan and it involves 3 questions that I ask myself. I’m sharing those 3 questions today because these 3 questions will literally take you out of that heavy, sluggish, effortful feeling that you have when you’re struggling and plop you right into a state which is light and hopeful and exciting - and it’s much more likely to give you what you want. It starts with this premise. That there’s a big difference between “being” in alignment with what we want and all the “doing” that we find ourselves caught up in everyday. This is really important to understand. We are so busy and bombarded with info and to-do’s and we even tend to distract ourselves with wine or food or social media and we think that we’re getting somewhere when we’re really working hard and pressing through the difficulties and fighting against everything that we don’t like in the world - but really we’re just struggling. And I don’t think the struggle is helping anyone. Especially if you are going through a transition or wanting to make a change in your life - or if you’re coming through a crisis and re-orienting yourself and figuring out what your future looks like - I would warn against resigning yourself to feeling bad. Whenever there’s a vacant spot in our lives - the tendency is to fill it up, often with struggle or effort or longing for something different. You know - like when you’re kids are going off to college - it’s a really busy and exciting time, maybe a little sad for you or maybe somewhat of a relief - but then, they’re gone and there’s kind of a vacant spot. We often fill it with lots of activity and “doing”. The grit required for a graceful life - isn’t always hard work, sacrifice, and struggle. The work of it - is sometimes the strength it takes to let go of the struggle. To find the easier, more peaceful way. Instead of going hard at it, what would it be like to step back, sit in the emptiness, even if it’s uncomfortable - and take a minute and figure out how you want to feel in this new situation Figuring out what you want - and then getting in the actual feeling state of “being” there already is how regular people like you and me can do manifesting. And manifesting is the opposite of struggle. Manifesting is just a fancy name for working with your subconscious to create the conscious experiences you want to have in your life. Effortlessly. Even more simply put - it all starts with and comes back to how you feel. Which is really exciting to me - because we have control over how we feel. We can do things that will help get into the feeling we want to have. Working hard at something and doing things that look like what we want, but don’t actually feel the way we want to feel is still just struggle. Just because you’re going to parties every night of the week, doesn’t mean you’re actually happy. Just like doing yoga or exercising obsessively doesn’t necessarily mean you’re at peace with yourself and healthy. The “doing,” in and of itself, isn’t going to help you. It’s only useful if it helps you actually get into the real, authentic feeling state that you want to be in. Effortlessly “being” is the key to manifesting. Not the effortful, active, struggle of “doing.” Today, I’m going to explain what that looks like and I’m giving you 3 really important questions you can ask yourself, which will help you get your subconscious on board with where you want to “be” so you can have what you want without the struggle. It’s fascinating to me to think that we are always manifesting - because, let’s face it - we are always in a state of “being” - whether we are deliberate about it or not. Your emotional state is somewhere right now. Hopefully, somewhere near happy or content or eager or hopeful or excited - but even if it’s bored, or impatient, or discouraged - you’re in a state of “being” and experiencing a feeling. Our subconscious thoughts and feelings are the things that create our conscious experience. Most of the time, it just takes a little mindfulness to identify your feeling state - it starts with noticing when you actually have a feeling that you do or don’t like. So often, we just brush past our reactions and especially any unpleasant feelings - sometimes so fast that we hardly notice them, but we may end up at the end of a day or a hard week feeling exhausted and depleted - without realizing why. Sometimes, it takes going to therapy - which is a big effort. It is in the “doing” category - but even while you’re doing, you’re also being. You can do hard things, with an open, hopeful, loving heart. I did many years of therapy when I was deciding whether or not to get divorced and then after I got divorced. I wanted to talk about parenting and make sure that I wasn’t continuing destructive patterns. There were so many unpleasant things to look at - it would have been so much easier to not go each week - but those uncomfortable, unpleasant things would still be in my subconscious if I didn’t dig them up and process them. I see why people avoid therapy, but I am so glad I looked at those icky feelings. I saw where I was repeating behaviors, unconsciously doing things that were unproductive and sometimes hurtful to other people. It was no picnic let me tell you, but I’m glad I did it. Looking back, it was like taking a college-level class all about me. It was a compare and contrast study of the way I was currently “being” and what was causing the dissonance or disconnect from who I want to be. The experience changed the way I “am” - the way I think and the way I see things. To intentionally manifest what you want, your deep down feelings and energy have to be a match to the thing you want - as if it were already in your life. You have to be so crystal clear about how it would feel - how you would “be” if that thing that you want was in your life, that it feels easy and natural. When you’re aligned with something, you almost take it for granted. Sort of like the sun coming up - you know it’s going to happen in good time and you don’t have to put in any effort at all to make it happen. These are the 3 questions you can ask yourself to help you get into a state that is aligned with what you want. As you ask each question, to yourself, take the time to sit with your answer. If you’re a journal person, you can write what comes to your mind. The important thing is to really flesh it out with as many details as you possibly can, until you can actually feel it in your body. If you find yourself smiling involuntarily, while you’re doing this - you’re really doing it right! Here are the Question #1 - Who is an imaginary person who has what I want? Think about what they do first thing in the morning, what they wear, what they eat, how they spend their day, how they spend their evening, what their home looks like. Question #2 - How would it feel if, for the past year, I already had this in my life? What would the last year look like? How would I look, how would I act, how would I feel? Question #3 - What can I do, right now, this week to get the feeling of having what I want? The way we live everyday - everything we know and think and do and all the choices we make in a day all the interactions we have with other people - make us feel a certain way. The little choices along the way add up to how we experience the world. There’s a lot less effort involved in manifesting than people may realize. It isn’t about just thinking really, really hard about something. That’s in the “doing” category. In fact, it turns out that the effort of making yourself “think” really, really hard about something may actually be getting in your way. If you are in a state of longing for something, you won’t get the thing you want - you’ll only get more of what you already feel in your heart - the longing for it. The deal with manifesting is that you get more of what you are already feeling - not what you fervently want. That is why I suggest using the to help you conjure up the feeling of having what you want - rather than sitting down and creating a strategy and a plan and working hard to make it happen. For example, we’ve all had a friend desperately wants to meet someone and get married, but they keep connecting with people who cheat, or don’t want to commit, or who aren’t appropriate for one reason or another. Sometimes, they step up their efforts - asking friends to set them up, going out all the time hoping to meet the right person, working at it like it’s their job - and, yet, they never find a good partner. That is, until they give up the hunt. When they relax and resign themselves to being alone and content and happy within themselves, that is when it often happens. Sometimes people will deliberately try to be okay not having someone in their life, so they will attract someone. If they’re only taking time alone for the purpose of attracting someone and filling in a void in their life - and are actually miserable by themselves, it just doesn’t work. It only works when they’re in an authentic, solidly happy emotional state. They aren’t bitter or angry or discouraged. They’re happy with themselves and open to new experiences and new ways of being happy - to the point where they don’t require someone in their life to be happy - and bam! A perfect mate appears! You can’t cheat your subconscious feelings - they run the show. This is manifesting in action - Being really, truly happy in a genuine, grounded way - attracts another happy, grounded person. It isn’t that complicated! This is where I think your style choices can be a really useful tool to make your life more the way you want it to be. You can make choices that will help you truly feel the way you want to feel. The goal is to figure out how you want to feel first - and then make choices that help you get there. I’ve been doing this consciously and unconsciously all my life. You have been too, whether you realize it or not. For instance, I’ve learned that my emotional state is affected by what I wear. Wearing leggings and a sweatshirt for many days in a row can start to bring me down a little mentally and emotionally. The beau just says I like to be fancy - but wearing nice clothes actually helps me access a part of myself that is more confident and solid. It might sound superficial, but this isn’t about materialism or designer clothes or acquiring things - it’s much more deep than that. The difference between doing and being - is that I’m not struggling. I’m not doing it to impress other people and I’m certainly not equating wearing nice clothes with my worth. It’s about how it makes me feel. The “doing” effort of getting out of my sweats helps me “be” in an emotional state that feels better - more like myself. The same is true of the way I’ve decorated my home - it isn’t huge and it isn’t expensive - but it is filled with things that make me happy. I have white slipcovered sofas - even though I have a big brown dog, named Luna - because I like how they go with everything in case I want to change things up and I really like knowing I can wash and bleach the heck out of the slipcovers if they get dirty - it puts my mind at ease. It feels good to me. It’s different for everyone - you might need to go for a run to feel your best, or have a bouquet of flowers on your desk or a yummy lunch to look forward to - it’s just important to know your own quirks and to notice how you’re affected by different choices - how they make you feel - and accept them so you can work with them. really helps with this. I went into this more in episode #2 - for those of you unfamiliar with what I call Whispers - they are the little flashes of insight that you get from your heart. They can be really subtle, but if you practice listening to them, they will help you figure out what makes you truly happy. The Whispers help you notice both what feels good and what brings you down. Maybe drinking a green smoothie makes you feel really good about yourself. Maybe being in a neat and tidy space feels extra good to you. Or maybe listening to music brings you up. When you know what works for you, you can intentionally access the feelings you want to have. And this podcast is good example of getting into alignment - I consciously took steps that felt aligned with being a podcaster - not just wishing and hoping to be a podcaster someday. Just like anyone else who doesn’t know what they’re doing on a new project - I started in some really low level emotions - like insecurity and self-doubt - but I’ve done things that help me “be” where I want to be - I bought a good microphone, I chose music that felt like “me,” I’ve dedicated time to creating a professional podcast that I am proud to tell people about. I took action before I was totally comfortable, yes, but every step was something that helped me to “be” in the feeling of already having what I wanted. So my challenge to you is this: what is it that you want for yourself? How would you behave and what would you be doing if this were already a conscious reality in your life. Do you want a job you love? What would that look like? How could you “be” in that state already? Well, you could put on clothes that you might wear to an office and setup coffee dates with people who have jobs that sound interesting to you. You could spend time each day, networking and gathering resources and applying for jobs, as if this were your full-time job already. You could get yourself into the mindset of enjoying the journey - of the adventure and excitement of figuring out what you want to do. Can you see the difference between that approach and the mindset of being bummed that you don’t have a job, complaining to friends that there’s nothing available, not bothering to get dressed or leave the house because you don’t have a job yet, and hating the process of looking for a job. Search for a job this way - and you’ll probably get a whole lot more frustration and discouragement - and if you find a job, it’s likely to not be much fun. For instance, if you want to manifest a more fit body - you have to get into the mindset of someone who is already fit. Be that person - by doing the things they do, make the food choices they would make. Assume the role of a fit person and live your life as if it is already true - you can essentially reprogram your subconscious beliefs. Focusing on what you consider to be “reality” can get in the way. When you say “hey, but I’m not fit, and I’m too tired to go for a run, and besides, I don’t like green smoothies” it doesn’t help you - because, of course, this takes you out of alignment with manifesting a more fit body. What about if you just want a better relationship? How would a person in the kind of relationship you want to have act? What would they be thinking about? What would they naturally do? How would they treat their partner? Being who you want to be - a kind, loving person with all your heart, not just conditionally to get a certain desired reaction or outcome - is the way to get what you want. It won’t work to be manipulative. You can’t do nice things, hoping someone else will be nice back. It has to be genuine and real. It has to come from real, generous feelings that are a result of who you are. Why let another person drag you down. If you’ve got subconscious resentments or fears and are holding back - figure out what those are for yourself. Not for anyone else. Get into alignment with what you really want - be the person you want to be - and see how that opens up possibilities. You don’t know what kinds of good things are waiting for you, right around the corner. We can’t possibly fathom all the good that is available in this universe, just waiting for us to get into a better groove - to get into alignment with it. We can do, do, do. But in the end - being is what will make the biggest difference. You have to “be” in the feeling of it first - not the wanting of it or wishing for it or... /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6276297

#18 - Midlife - Let's Make It The New Prime 02/20/2018

#18 - Midlife - Let's Make It The New Prime Midlife is a topic many of us would rather not think about - but I'm on a mission to make midlife the new "prime!" Today, I'm sharing why you should be excited about whatever's next for you and how you can make your life more the way you want it to be. The biggest takeaways from this episode: Why holding on to the past doesn't work. How changing how you think of midlife is powerful. The idea that your second half might be your best years yet. How the truest "you" is the best gift you can gift you can give. Hey there - I'm so glad you're here today! In today’s episode, I'm talking about a topic a lot of us would rather avoid - midlife. I've been thinking about what I thought midlife would be like and what it actually IS like, now that I'm solidly here in my 50's. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be - and in fact, I'm kind of excited about it! In this episode, I'm encouraging you to get excited about whatever's next for you as well. We all have a choice - to step into midlife with fear or with the expectation that these will be our best years yet. The for today's episode will give you even more ways to think about your future and what you want for yourself. Today, I'm sharing some of the good things that come with midlife, how to change your perspective on midlife, and how I'm on a mission to make midlife the new "prime"! Today’s is a list of "10 Great Books To Read At Midlife" that I have put together from my personal collection. These books are non-fiction - some might be considered "self-help" and others are just insightful. They've helped me through the years and I turn to them again and again for guidance and perspective. If you'd like to find a new way of looking at the second half of your life, I think you'll find some encouragement and new ways of seeing in these old favorites of mine. Check out our for everything you need to know about downloading and listening to podcasts from your iPhone. If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #18 Midlife - Let's Make It The New Prime Welcome to the Style With Intention podcast, where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and today we’re stepping into the perspective of our future self - and looking at our past and deciding if we lived the way we wanted to live. Time goes by so quickly. Often we don’t want to look at the reality that our days are whizzing by and adding up to years. We don’t see ourselves as in “midlife.” It just doesn’t feel that way. Midlife? Shhh - no one wants to hear talk like that. I used to feel sorry for the people whose kids had all gone off to college. What did they do all day? They just seemed kind of sad to me. Without purpose now. Drifting. With their wrinkly knees. I wondered - are they depressed? How could they let their hair go gray and gain weight like that? Age is just a number, right? Well, the numbers don’t lie - 50 is halfway to 100. I resisted this fact a while. I put in a lot of time, effort, and money to hold onto the appearance of youth. And I was losing the battle. One day, I was commiserating with a friend about coloring our hair. There were reasons we felt we had to keep doing it: So other women wouldn’t think we looked old. So random men would think we were pretty. So our kids wouldn’t be embarrassed of us. It was ridiculous. This wasn’t who I wanted to be. So I stopped. It was my birthday present to myself when I was 50. We all do things that make us feel the way we used to feel. Everyone has their own strategy. Hair color. Exercise. Flirtations. Fast cars. Clothes. Competition. Wine. There are lots of perfectly acceptable ways to cope. It’s all good until it doesn’t feel right anymore. At this point, we have a sense that we might be losing our chance to make our lives good. Sometimes, there’s a sense of urgency to making decisions and making changes. People do all kinds of crazy (and not so crazy) things at midlife - like quitting jobs, leaving relationships, buying stuff that makes them feel good. Or they hold on tight. Not wanting any change. They resist what the “young-people” are into, they don’t want to get involved in new technology, they stick to routines more than ever and are angry at the world changing around them. They’re hoping they can maintain the status quo - which can end up feeling restrictive and controlling to the people around them - and sometime bring about the changes in relationships and jobs and friends they are trying so hard to avoid. This is a time of clarification for all of us. No one wants to look back with regrets. We are standing in a unique place where we can look at the past and see how we didn’t appreciate how young we were 10 years ago - and look forward to see that, someday, we might wish for the way we feel right now, in spite of the aches and pains. I’d like to suggest that age is a privilege - it gives us the unique ability and perspective to choose our battles and figure out what really matters. We don’t have to resign ourselves to becoming irrelevant and invisible. Time is going by - that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We have lived long enough to know that, however hard things might seem, we will get through them. And good things sometimes show up out of nowhere. It has taken this many years to become who we are. Now is the time to really zero in on it. Refine your vision. Finally be who you want to be. Own it. When the kids were really little, we had to put our needs aside. We couldn’t even lift our heads up to look around at times - the days were long. It’s okay to think about what we want now. We’ve paid our dues. Sure, the kids still need us - they always will - but the endless Little League games, school concerts, and driving to activities are almost behind us. We can start to pick our heads up and look around to take stock. What will be next? For us. Who do we want to be in our kids’ lives? What is the trajectory we are on - because we’ll probably become more of the way we already unless we intentionally choose to do something different. The next half of our lives could be the best half. What if we genuinely believed that our best years are ahead of us. What do you think that would do for your mind- and opening it up to new possibilities, different opportunities, and solutions you’d never considered before. What would that do for your moments? Would you appreciate them more? This podcast is about creating a life that’s based on feeling great - and all the benefits that naturally come from that - confident style, deep connections, self-awareness, and feeling happy everyday. . It is about living the truth, , and owning your brilliance. I have plenty of insights, tips, interviews, and real life stories coming up - but this is an evolving project and I always want to hear from you - what you like and don’t like - I want to know what serves you best. I'm on a mission to make midlife the new “prime.” If you aren’t happy with your life, this is the time to make it better. Figure out what your vision for yourself is and work out how you are going to make it real. Starting with yourself and how you feel inside. Not how you wished you felt - how you genuinely feel. That is the sweet spot. Become the person who lives that life you see for yourself - and possibilities will open up. It’s never too late. The truest “you” is the best gift you can give your family and friends. We’ll keep strategizing about what would move the needle toward happier. We’ll tease out what’s weighing you down? How to get the gumption to do you do that thing you think you cannot do? Together, we’ll look at what requires you to dig deep. What you need to let go of. We’ll look are where you shine and what you can do to shine more. What would it be like to stop pushing so hard and let your enthusiasm sweep you along? The things you have been putting off might be the most rewarding. Whatever it is, do it for yourself. In the end, there is only you. You are solely accountable for your one, small life. Any age can be your prime. Let’s walk away from all the years of striving and start to enjoy and embrace who we have become and get excited about where we are headed. It’s about time. When your “past” is all that you have left, will you smile at yourself? Let’s make sure you do! ___ This week’s Bonus Content is my list of - I’m well into my 50's now and I’m re-reading a lot of these. They’re gems and full of attitude adjustment kinds of lessons. They have been just what I've needed over the years, to refocus my thoughts onto the positive feelings I want to live with everyday. We’re stepping into our prime with style around here - and bringing our friends along for the ride makes it all the better. Please forward this to a friend who needs to hear this message - or maybe a little encouragement right now - they will thank you! Until next week - keep makin’ things look the way you want to feel, because happy looks really, really good! Bye, bye for now! Be sure to download the Bonus Content! "10 Great Books To Read At Midlife" /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6276278

#17 - Develop Deeper Adult Friendships With These 3 Qualities 02/13/2018

#17 - Develop Deeper Adult Friendships With These 3 Qualities Friendship is 100% voluntary - that's what makes it so wonderful! - and also the thing that pushes it lower on the priority list, when life gets busy. It seems like friendship should be easy at this point - but that's not always the case. Listen in to today as I share 3 essential qualities you can cultivate to maintain and deepen your adult friendships. The biggest takeaways from this episode: How friendship is important for your health. Why friendship gets more difficult as we get older. The qualities adult friendships must have to keep growing. Why your friendships deserve your attention, even when you're busy. Hey there, Thanks for being here today! Welcome to the Today, we’re going to dive into adult friendships. This is a topic that I've thought and read a lot about - and struggled with too. "Friendship" is one of those things that we assume should be easy at this point in our lives, but it doesn't always feel that way. Adult friendships can feel vulnerable and tricky to navigate - but there's scientific evidence that friendship is really important to your physical and mental well-being - so it's worth it!. In this episode, I'm sharing 3 important qualities you can cultivate to to maintain and deepen your adult friendships. I recorded this episode a couple of weeks ago - but, this week, I had some real life lessons in the value of adult friendships. This last week was a doozy for me. Some unexpected changes in my relationship with the beau really threw me for a loop - and when I reached out to friends, they were there for me. I've had to rely on friends more than usual during this time and I can't imagine going through this without them. It's never too late to make new friends and develop close friendships! as I share how the 3 qualities of friendship play out in adult friendships. I've seen how it works in my own life and an excited to share my insights with you. As always, my goal is to make it quicker and easier for you to access more ease, joy, and intention in your life...because happy looks really, really good! If you’re new to podcasts, check out our for everything you need to know about downloading and listening to podcasts from your iPhone. If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #17 DEVELOP DEEPER ADULT FRIENDSHIPS WITH THESE 3 QUALITIES Welcome to the , where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love. We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good! I’m your host, Annie Kip, and I’m so glad you’re here today! Today we’re talking about adult friendships. Did you know there is a single question which can predict whether you will be alive and happy at age 80? Ask yourself, “Is there someone in your life whom you would feel comfortable phoning at 4 in the morning to tell your troubles to?” If you answered “yes” you’ve got a really good shot at being not just alive, but also happy, into your 80’s. If you’re answer is”no” your chances are much, much lower for being happy and alive into your 80’s. But it’s never too late to change that. This info is from the that started in 1938 and followed the physical and emotional health of 200 men, who are now well into their 90’s. When the man who led the study for many years, George Vaillant, was asked what he’d learned from the study, his response was simply “That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.” That’s pretty powerful. We all enjoy having friends, but I doubt we are all aware of how having friends is actually vital to our health and well-being. Some of you may know that I’ve moved 8 times in my adult life. Each place I’ve moved, I had to establish new friendships. I didn’t really anticipate that I would be moving so many times, so I really invested myself into the friends that I made in each new place. Every single time, it was really, really hard to leave the people I had became close to and every single time, it was hard to make new friends again - but looking back, I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have ended up with really wonderful friends all over the country. I’m one of those people who always feels super lucky just to be included. I don’t take it for granted that people want to be friends with me and I always feel like I’m not quite as good a friend to other people as they are to me. My friends tell me this isn’t true, but still, there’s a little insecure part of me that feels like I’m the lucky one to have such great friends! I’m a bit of an introvert - I’m fine at parties and I do love socializing -- but I’m not totally comfortable reaching out. I can get lost in my work, head down, stuck in my office, day in and day out - and before I know it, weeks have gone by and I haven’t reached out to anyone. Luckily, I have old friends who know to just drop by my house - and they know I’m always happy to make coffee and chat anytime. But to make new adult friends, I’ve really had to go outside my comfort zone. A few years ago, I saw a woman at the gym who I knew of from around town , but her kids were older than mine, so we never matched up in school and we didn’t have the same circle of friends. I don’t know what possessed me one day, but I walked up to her and introduced myself - and told her I’d always admired her, was interested in her work as a coach, and wondered if she wanted to have coffee someday. To make a long story short - we made plans and I accidentally stood her up, which was a terrible way to start a friendship. Luckily, she gave me another chance and we finally met up for coffee. We had coffee again, then walked together, talked about our work, then eventually our families and relationships, and she’s now one of my very close friends. I didn’t even realize how much we had in common and how much we would enjoy being friends. I just took a chance, put aside my worry that I would seem like a weirdo, and followed a hunch. I’m so glad I reached out to her - because otherwise, I wouldn’t have this sweet friend in my life. Making friends is something that seems like it should come naturally - and it does sometimes - but more often it feels vulnerable and awkward and scary. I’m not totally comfortable doing it, but I think it’s worth it. In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about the 3 characteristics that are critical for adult friendships to flourish - consistency, vulnerability, and positivity. We’ll talk about how you can develop these characteristics and take a look at how they look in real life adult friendships. These characteristics will help you, not only maintain your old friendships, but also attract new adult friends as well. This episode is perfect for you if you’re feeling as if you’d like to deepen the friendships that you already have or be the kind of person who attracts new friends. The first characteristic is consistency. Old and new friendships need some amount of consistent interaction beyond “likes’ on Facebook to maintain their closeness and grow. Either get-togethers in person or phone calls or even emails. Some degree of regular, personal interaction is critical to keeping friendships alive. It seems to me that middle-age is the hardest time to maintain and grow friendships. Having consistency in a friendship was a lot easier when we were younger. My social life used to sort of revolve around the sports and the activities that my kids did - I made friends with the women who were also waiting for swimming lessons and I got to know people while we watched our kids play endless games of little league. There were regularly scheduled reasons for interacting because of carpooling and school events and volunteering. There was a built-in consistency - we were in closer, day-to-day touch with each other because our kids were friends with people that lived in our neighborhood - we could grab a quick coffee while the kids played - it didn’t have to be a big, planned event to get together and catch up a little. We had more involvement with each other in a sort of accidental way. The same was true in college - you almost couldn’t help making friends in college because your peers were always right there. We had time to make friendships, get to know each other, and build trust. If you’re about my age, you’re busy with kids and your own career and time for friendship might feel like a luxury - and it might be sort of lower on your priority list just because you have so many other obligations and there’s only so much time in the day. But this is the magic of friendship - it’s based on choice. It’s a completely voluntary relationship. The fact that it isn’t obligatory is what makes it so special. The friends who we choose to make time for on a consistent basis are the ones we become closest to. When you have a new friend, you have to follow up and make plans again to keep the friendship growing. Consistency is the key to friendships because, especially when you’re a busy adult, it has to be a mutual choice to be available for each other, to make space in our lives for each other, and to rely on each other. Which leads me nicely into the 2nd characteristic of deep adult friendships - which is vulnerability. I’ve talked a lot about vulnerability on this podcast - particularly in - and vulnerability is a critical element of adult friendships. Again, when our kids were little, there was some built-in vulnerability, because we shared a lot of the same issues and concerns. Our marriages, money worries, how the kids were getting along in school, whether or not they made the team, and who was feeling left out. With little kids, we most often has little problems. And the stakes were lower, most of the time. In middle-age, we’re a little older, we’ve got bigger kids, and we’ve often got bigger problems. Sometimes embarrassing problems we don’t want to tell people about. Kids get into trouble, do stupid things, they sometimes treat us - their parents - very badly. We sometime have serious relationship issues or health issues. It’s a lot more vulnerable to share our concerns and issues when they scare us or hurt us. And the issues can feel like a reflection on us too - we wonder if we messed up somewhere along the way. When the stakes are much higher, we might be more inclined to just keep our problems to ourselves and put on a brave face. It’s just easier. Especially if we don’t have the consistent day to day contact, no one wants to dump a bunch of bad news on their friends. Ironically, friendships can help us get through the tough, painful times - if we’re willing to be vulnerable - but being vulnerable feels risky because it could lead to rejection and more pain - so people avoid it. This is how we start to drift apart - we stop sharing. We don’t rely on each other. To keep that from happening - we have to make intentional effort to keep being connected. We have to allow a balance of give and take and both parties in a friendship have to be willing to take a chance, to share the tough stuff, to be real. If only one party is willing to be vulnerable - things get out of balance. It can be very painful and make us feel like we’re the only ones floundering, if we share and the other person doesn't. The key is that you have to let the other person “give” to you as well. You have to “take” sometimes - and that’s super vulnerable. If you’re always the one doing the giving, you might feel good about yourself, but you won’t build a great friendship. Both parties have to be willing to be vulnerable - because you can’t have a deep friendship without that balance. This is a time in our lives where we get to pick who we are friends with. When our time becomes scarce, and the problems and issues become bigger and more painful - we really need to be picky about who we are friends with. The third important element of deep adult friendships is positivity. On top of consistency and vulnerability, the thing we need most from our friends is positivity. We want to know that, even when we do share our biggest vulnerabilities, that our friends will lift us up. A consistent and reliable friend is someone you know you can count on, when you’re not at the top of your game. As we said at the beginning of the podcast, this is the friend you can call at 4 in the morning to share your troubles. The close friends we have had for a long time hold our history, they know our families, and they’ve been there through the disappointments, the losses and the heartaches - as well as the celebrations and milestones. These good friends are able to help us see past our own low moments. They help us remember that we really do love our partners, even when they annoy us or let us down. They know we love our children, even when they do stupid things and we swear we’re going to disown them. They help us regain our confidence when we have a setback or lose our jobs or get dumped. They see the best in us when no one else can. We feel good about ourselves after spending time with a positive friend. And that doesn’t mean they just flatter us or tell us what we want to hear. Our closest friends are the one who can actually tell us what we don’t want to hear. They can help us see our blind-spots - because looking at yourself and seeing things you don’t like is extremely vulnerable. Having a friend who believes in you, even in your ugly moments is a real friend. In the book, (which I will also link to in the show-notes), the author says that the most intimate, trusting friendships are distinguished not by how the friends respond to each other’s disappointments and losses, but by how they react to each other’s good news.” Being positive and happy for each other is a huge contributor to connection in a friendship. Your true friends are the ones you call when things go right! Because, oddly, being happy for yourself is quite vulnerable. I’ve thought about this a lot - and I’ve found that this is really true - we only share the very happy and the very sad feelings with our truest, closest friends - the ones who are consistently there for us, the ones who are willing to be vulnerable as well, and the ones who give is a really positive feeling. So there you have it - the 3 characteristics that create deep adult friendships are consistency, vulnerability, and positivity. In real life, this is what it looks like. #1 Consistency - which means finding ways to have regular, in-person contact. You can do this by setting a regular coffee date, or phone call, or forming a group that meets on a regular basis. Doing this episode has made me look at where I do and don’t have consistency in my friendships. It’s reminded me that I used really enjoy being in a book club and a ladies dinner group that I was a part of when I lived in Portland, Oregon and that I’d like to get something like that going where I live now. Especially if you’re an introvert like me, it helps to build more consistency into my friendships and socializing. #2 - Vulnerability - which means really sharing the truth of who you are and balancing that with allowing other people to help you. Not always putting on a brave face. Admitting when things are a little hard for you. Letting friends come over for coffee, even if your kitchen is a mess and you haven’t showered. Asking a friend to help you with something or just listen. In looking at my friendships, I see that the ones I feel closest to are the ones who have let me be there for them. And the ones who have been there for me. It’s a really important balance. Especially in a new friendship, being vulnerable a little at a time is ideal. This gives you a chance to build up consistency and establish that “give and take” that will create the balance that is needed for true friendship. #3 - Positivity - those people who add to our lives in really positive ways. They are there for us consistently, they hold our vulnerabilities - but they also help lift us out of ourselves, they remind us of what’s good about us and about our lives. They’re interested in us and want to know and understand us. They listen. They see the best. The celebrate whatever makes us happy. These are the friends who we want to spend more time with because we just feel so dang good after hanging out with them. I hope you feel good after listening today! To wrap this up - I want to share one more thought. There’s a nurse, named , who worked with dying patients for many years. She wrote a book about the regrets she heard people talk about on their deathbeds - and one of the top 5 regrets people had was not keeping in touch with friends. Many years ago, I called my good friend Erica, at 3 a.m., because my dog had died and I didn’t know who else to call. She was there for me, without missing a beat. I want to be that kind of friend. I hope you have a friend like that in your life. And if you don’t, it’s not too late to start being that person and building a friendship that will be that for you. I get how hard it is to stay in touch - especially during this really busy season of our lives - but I’ve realized, after doing this episode, that it’s pretty simple. Be consistent, be vulnerable, and be positive. I’ve gotten a lot of ideas for ways that I can create better friendships in my own life and I hope you have too! I’d love to hear from you, anytime - I share a lot of insights over on Instagram @AnnieKipStyle - just send me a DM or make a comment on my posts. Thanks for listening today! Until next week - bye, bye for now! LINKS TO RESOURCES: Book: Book: Book: Header image by: Jose Gonzalez /episode/index/show/stylewithintention/id/6253370

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