You Can't Make It Up

Because mankind's capacity for abject stupidity is limitless

Cliche Machine 05/17/2016

Cliche Machine Find us at 2kenscomedy.com /episode/index/show/twokens/id/4375852

No Gelt No Blog 12/14/2015

No Gelt No Blog Find us at 2kenscomedy.com /episode/index/show/twokens/id/4016735

TGIWTF? Fridays – #280 12/28/2014

TGIWTF? Fridays – #280 Happy 6th Birthday to Us! It’s also my birthday (talk about your imperfect storms :/). So ring out the old year – and save your bacon with the ex. Here’s one last stocking stuffer to coax her/him back into your bed life. 280 shows and counting! Plus a holiday drunk driving tip and more Stupid Criminal tricks! Music: […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3263383

Up On Blocks – #279 12/02/2014

Up On Blocks – #279 For the perv on your list Heard about Foxy Blox? They’re all the rage in cell block A this Christmas. Billed as an adult toy for kids, the ‘Lego’ Strip Club Set feels as icky as it looks. Who the hell thought THIS is a good idea? By the way, the strip club has a Walter White inspired […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244568

Bird Brains – #278 11/25/2014

Bird Brains – #278 Why booze was invented Google ‘dysfunctional family.’ Odds are the photo was shot on Thanksgiving. Why do we do this year after year? To drink ourselves numb, stupid! We found the absolute Turkey Day from Hell! Could’ve happened at your house. I got your butterball right HERE! How do I thaw a fresh turkey? Which end of the […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244571

Spin – #277 11/18/2014

Spin – #277 A perception tree grows… New Haven CT is known as the Elm City. Historically it is crime-ridden, in spite of recent stats to the contrary. Ranked #7 among America’s “most dangerous” mid-sized cities, the image isn’t going away. Solution? Plant feel-good news. Comcast may have a new slogan… Can You See Us Now? Everyone’s favorite [cough] cable giant wants […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244572

Road Trip! – #276 11/11/2014

Road Trip! – #276 Must be a full moon… Stuff 11 kids in a Honda? You’d think a grade school math teacher would know better. But hey, when you’re Jones’n for Goldfish, what’s a gal to do? Get off her lawn, too! 94 year olds are cranky and don’t give a rats patoot who knows it. Not your ideal character witness for a great grandson […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244573

Polarization Day? – #275 11/05/2014

Polarization Day? – #275 Eenie, meanie, minee, mo … November 4th, America. You have work to do. Let’s meet the candidates: City of St. Louis sanctions child labor. Trick or Treat?! Rich white dude tells his NBA team he’s learning Hoodish Yiddish. Inn fines brides and grooms when wedding guests leave bad reviews. Dog leads cops to drug dealing master. Good boy! […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244574

$!@%^ Auto Correct! – #274 10/28/2014

$!@%^ Auto Correct! – #274 FMW .. FML! No one is immune but as alibis go that’s a FAIL! Lawless in Waldo Welcome to the speed trap capital of the Deep South. Y’all come back now, here? New Jersey blows (0.08) The Garden State needs a new slogan. How about DUI State? 2Kens have a solution. Wanna hear it? Listen to the […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244575

Hard Cider – #273 09/30/2014

Hard Cider – #273 Step lively campers, lots of ground to cover before nightfall. We’ll visit a double-secret social network ONLY for fat cats, take in a Japanese science exhibit your kids will love (once the stink wears off), learn about the push to arm the blind; we agree- great idea!, and sample a new parenting app that might replace fantasy football for […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244576

God Hates Dicks – #272 09/01/2014

God Hates Dicks – #272 We’d pay anything to see this! Say one thing for Aussie comic and TV host, Adam Hills. Boy knows how to taunt hate mongers. Dangled a big old carrot over the WBC and the self-promoting jack asses snapped it up. Lemme get this straight. WBC versus ISIS?! Good luck storming the castle, boys. Mr. Hills, u da […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244577

NSA Wants You! – #271 08/04/2014

NSA Wants You! – #271 They already know … Where you live, how much you spend, what you dream about – and fear – and the names of every lover you’ve ever had. So if America’s Top Spooks want to hire you, how tough can the interview be? Details on today’s show. Need a reference? Put me down. Good luck. ~ Ed. Tennessee tag sale […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244578

Aromatherapy – #270 07/28/2014

Aromatherapy – #270 Don’t look now… No, really. FOX 46 in Charlotte, NC will do anything to suck draw in young eyeballs. Bodily functions? You bet! Send in the clown reporter Jon Dick and cue the wind machine. WJZY, you stink! Look up… Independence Day fireworks. How apropos. A prison escape straight out of Hollywood. Plus music from Shovels […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244579

Fat Guys in the Woods – #269 07/14/2014

Fat Guys in the Woods – #269 Survivor: Hell Grab the pork rinds and grease the remote, loser single guy. Date Night hasn’t looked this promising since Wal-Mart’s 2-for-1 big busted, blow-up doll sale. Fat Guys In The Woods premiers August 10th at 10 EDT. Say NO to fatherhood …or raise illiterate kids. The only two ways to prevent what happened to the late George Ferguson from […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244580

Fuhgeddaboudit! – #268 07/01/2014

Fuhgeddaboudit! – #268 All mobbed up and nowhere to pray… Pope Francis has big ones. He actually tossed the Italian Mafia out of the Catholic church. Bada Bing! Sally Field took far less risk hurtling the down the highway with that maniac Bandit. Hell, flying nuns are safer. We salute you, oh Patron Saint of PR. Good thing you’re immortal. Other crap […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244582

Summer Kampf – #267 06/18/2014

Summer Kampf – #267 Say a prayer for Life Savers Ministries. Talk about misguided marketing. The ‘Bama church group, looking to recruit more kids, quoted Hitler and the Bible on the same billboard. Shut up, devil! Say hello to his little friend… Ma, can I have the car? Sure son, but don’t forget: clean undies. Cops who pulled him over […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244583

#266 How Do You Say Corona in French? 05/05/2014

#266 How Do You Say Corona in French? Loan Shark, ‘Ma’am We go away for a few months and return to find everyone drinking Corona. For the record: Cinco de Mayo happened when the fuming French stormed into Mexico over 150 years ago to collect a debt. In Pesos. Really? So while you chug your sixth frozen Margarita, be glad a Sicilian didn’t hold the note. […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/3244584

#265 Bumpers & Bloopers 12/31/2013

#265 Bumpers & Bloopers We can’t do stupid without you! We close out 2013 the way we began: ogling some rear– er– bumpers in search of inspiration. Found it! Our Fun With English segment proves the art of publishing without editing is now rectal viral. That’s our noose. Stay stupid out there. We get down with funky NYE music from PsychoVoyager and that just […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2613562

#264 Stupid x 5 12/23/2013

#264 Stupid x 5 2Kens to Papa Duck Talk about irony. The Dynasty patriarch blows out his own candles on our birthday! Buh byeeeee! (listen for our lovely parting gift ;-)) Paul Simon said it best Looking for ways to end your marriage (and nobody gets hurt)? Stupid.com can help. Or get creative with your gift and see how fast the locks change. Why […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2603518

#263 Dance of the Tryptophan Fairy 11/28/2013

#263 Dance of the Tryptophan Fairy Cleanup in aisle 9 125 years have passed since Hanakkuh and Thanksgiving last converged. Big dilemma. Can we spin the dreidel at Grandma’s once the pumpkin pie is gone? No one alive knows if that’s kosher. Another meshuga thing? The damned stores are open– Black THURSDAY, really? Pity the poor retail drones. Doors swing open and […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2572449

#262 We Don’t Need No Education 11/04/2013

#262 We Don’t Need No Education The revolution will not be televised Train wrecks and local TV news. We watch because the oral surgeon is booked and Jersey Shore got cancelled. FOX stations excel at pain. Thick as a brick Pink Floyd Florida Tour. Comin’ to a skuul nar yew. Every week, a new box of chocolates. Music from Swamp Cabbage. […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2535362

#261 Funnyside Up 10/28/2013

#261 Funnyside Up Goodies galore in our Halloween edition. Some advice? Don’t stiff the tricksters. Some may heave eggs raised in the Amazon. Also a bad idea to let your kids write your obit. Last show of the month means another freshly, half-baked batch of Fun With English. Debut music this week from Indie rock duo Arrows and Sound, and a solo project from a […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2526690

#260 *$%^&#@! Technology 10/14/2013

#260 *$%^&#@! Technology iStupid… Know what the barista geek behind the Genius Bar really thinks? Mash PLAY, assuming you can read. Sweeney Todd, Act II … We bite the hand that bleeds us. You listening, Skype? Musical guest… if you like James Taylor and John Prine you’re gonna groove on L.A.’s Ted Brown! We feature two tracks off the New Zealand native’s newest […] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2508268

#259 Geezer News 10/07/2013

#259 Geezer News The Early Show Join us at the anchor desk as a Charlotte TV station brings back a 91-year old legend to read ... um ... wait. Nap time. Leisure craft or Getaway vehicle? You decide. We're peeing our pants. This is one dumb sonofabitch! Music from Portland's own Anna Lombard. Her new debut solo album Head [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2499000

#258 Wax On Wax Off 09/30/2013

#258 Wax On Wax Off Postal ポルノ A Japanese police chief got lucky when a naughty catalogue showed up with his name on it. Poruno is taboo in the House uh Land of the Rising Sun. Direct mail porn! Who still gets it that way? Buyer beware A house for sale advertised not to last long, a dominatrix mouse, stupid password help from [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2490027

#257 Autumn (with an *) 09/23/2013

#257 Autumn (with an *) Crab apples ... Happy Fall. Now get off our lawn! TV news takes another bashing, this time from a media critic who needs a diaper change. Spoonful of ... Don't know which is funnier, the chimney sweep (or whatever the hell he was doing) or the name of the guy leading the "Confined Space Rescue Team." You [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2482260

#256 IT Fright Desk 09/09/2013

#256 IT Fright Desk This week we explore the source of a fair share of your insanity and ours: technology! Good thing we’re not, like, addicted to it. Wait until you hear this batch of actual workplace tech trouble calls. Helicopter parent? We found an app to get you hovering higher than any mom or dad in the 'hood. Oh, lazy lover [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2465819

#255 Walmart: Can we put you on layaway? 09/02/2013

#255 Walmart: Can we put you on layaway? Attention Walmart shoppers: Free wedding cake in Aisle 9. You know we don't make it up. Plus ~ 2Kens Public Enemy #1 .. a road sign after our own hearts .. a fresh batch of Fun with English .. and three bozos who forgot the key to getting away with a crime is getting away. Enjoy the show! Special musical guest: Jim Armstrong! Toronto's [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2457555

#254 Ah, the good old days 08/26/2013

#254 Ah, the good old days Fish were jumpin... Summer's dog days dwindle and we long for a time when life was easier. When everyone knew their place. If only Stepford Wives were real (and came with a generous trade-in allowance). One last vacation postcard. Our #1 all-time fan favorite. Be glad penguins don't fly. /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2449222

#253 Dixie Dimwits 08/19/2013

#253 Dixie Dimwits You must be a ... Apologies to the greatest dang Southern rocker and fiddler extraordinaire, Charlie Daniels, but it's been a coon's age since we whistled the South's Gonna Do It Again. Note: teeth not optional Let's enjoy some of the language - verbal and musical - you would only hear on the highways and [...] /episode/index/show/twokens/id/2440544

You Can't Make It Up

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