Goin' Deep Show 2297: Railed by a Fireman’s Dragon Sized Fire Extinguisher

Episode 2297: Hat Trick walked in the day before she turns 39 looking like someone who’d been power-washed by sex and still had a smile on her face. Then she opened her mouth and the room needed a cigarette.

 

She casually mentions she watched gay hockey drama with her teenage daughter because “bonding.” The kid now has a thing for Russian accents and sudden violence on ice. Great job, mom. You’ve raised a connoisseur.

 

Then the fireman shows up at 7 a.m. Sunday—unannounced, unapologetic—with a purple knotted dragon dildo the size of a municipal fire extinguisher. Hat Trick’s exact review: “It didn’t all fit, but I came so many times I forgot what numbers are.” She followed that up with the quote of the year: “He has a really nice dick, but right now I want NOTHING more than that dick.”  

 

Kid A.G. took time out of his busy schedule of hiding cock rings in his girlfriend’s sheets to drop wisdom on his 18-year-old self: “Never get married.” Solid advice from a man currently living out of a duffel bag at his girlfriend’s house like a horny hobo.

 

We let the AI, Eve, explain gooning. Turns out it’s just staring at porn until your soul leaves your body and your dick files for disability. Mormons, in their infinite panic, built an actual anti-gooning app. Somewhere there’s a prophet screaming “Put down the Kleenex and pick up the scriptures, Brayden!”

 

We revisited the greatest marriage theory ever invented: if she switches from Lucky Charms to granola, start looking for blowjobs in the goodbye letter. Explains 94 % of divorces and 100 % of mid-life affairs with yoga instructors.

 

Hat Trick actually blew off dinner with her own brother because the fireman texted “quickie?” and she responded before the message even finished sending. Family? What’s that? There’s a dragon dildo in the driveway with her name on it.

 

Birthday plans for tomorrow: the second the kids are out the door, scheduled birthday sex, followed by getting completely shitfaced in that exact order. Responsible parenting, everybody.

 

We also covered ghost shits (they happen, nobody knows why), eleven-dollar Nancy Sinatra karaoke tracks, Dua Lipa thirst traps that could restart your heart, and the national emergency of Rick Springfield still being absolutely jacked at 76. The man is 76 and looks like he could bench-press your dad. Retire already, Rick, you’re making the rest of us look soft.

 

This episode is raw, unhinged, and contains zero apologies. Hat Trick’s vagina deserves a Purple Heart and a parade.

 

Explicit as always. Hide your kids, hide your dragon dildos.

 

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