Episode 146--The heart of the childless not by choice during the holidays

Hello, and welcome to episode 146 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. This is the December 2022 episode. Our holiday episode! Thanks for stopping by! Well, the last two months the podcast has been on hiatus, and I am happy to be back!

What is today’s show about?

Childless not by choice during the holidays!

Over the last few years, I have talked to us, reminded us, of how to be, how to do, as childless not by choice people during the holidays!

 

Thank you Patreon contributors:

I would like to take a moment to thank the people who make a financial contribution to the platform on a monthly basis, my Patreon Contributors. 

Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, my podcast host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, etc. So thank you very much!     

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                                               Or

 

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Body of episode:

 

• Thank you to the listeners from different countries.  A great big thank you to all of my listeners all over the world. From Australia to Tanzania, from China to Luxembourg, from Ghana to America. From India to Austria. You all are tuning in and listening! Thank you! 

I continue to be humbled!

I would also like to thank those who reached out to me via Messenger and email. I am so glad the podcast is helping you. Please keep listening!

 

• Episodes coming up in 2023.

So, I am working on more great episodes for 2023! I feel like 2022 had a theme of health. We talked about food, diet, well-being, exercise, mental health, and all the things that strengthen us from the inside out. I did not plan a theme for 2023, but I feel like it will come together beautifully just like 2022. 

In the meantime, sit with me for a few, and let’s talk.  

The heart of the childless not by choice during the holidays.  I don’t know about you, but I can feel the feelings creeping in right around October. I start to feel un-holiday-ish. I tell myself that I will not celebrate this year. I’m just not up for all the pomp and circumstance of it all. 

But as November rolls in, the month of Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I try to get myself in the mood. And the thing is, I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving gives me a chance to cook and bake. Christmas typically gives me a chance to catch up with family and friends.

Getting into the festive mood takes work these last few years though. I had that childish anticipation all the way through adulthood. But it has dimmed, and I know that it is at least in part because my mom is gone. And we all have heard how the holidays can magnify loss. It’s true, they do magnify loss.

If you are going through and dealing with the same feelings, don’t ignore them. Recognize them, admit them to yourself, and take them one day at a time. But don’t allow your feelings to dictate your decisions. That is one thing my dad told me years ago. Feelings change. So when you are making your decisions about how to spend your holidays, be intentional. Intentional: it is our keyword for this episode because intentionality is very important. And it is different from than intention. You see, we can intend to do something and never get around to it. But intentional means we are making decisions actively. We are actively involved in our decision-making and in our decisions.

Sometimes we have to intentionally show up at the gatherings, sometimes it feels like we have no choice. We have elderly family members whom we do not know how many more family gatherings we will spend with them. And then at the other end of the spectrum, we have young family members with whom we would like to build a positive relationship. 

But I have said this before, there is nothing wrong with making different plans once in a while. Life is short. It’s short for everyone.  

The thing about making different plans for the holidays or any other time is that we have to then stand by them. We have to practice standing by our decision once we have made our plans. The way to stand by plans and decisions is to weigh those plans and decisions carefully. Weighing, deciding, and then standing.  

I think we get better at weighing, deciding, and then standing as we mature. 

You know life is filled with disappointments. And sometimes we may have wished we had made different decisions, but the fact is, no one is perfect.  All we can do is the best we can do.  

We have to decide to make certain decisions about our lives. We don’t know how much time we have. Any of us. 

So thinking about ourselves more does not mean we are selfish. Everyone is living their lives. Are they selfish for caring for their spouses, children, their work-life balance? They wouldn’t think so. I don’t think so.   

It is definitely OK and healthy, to care for ourselves, to consider ourselves. To love ourselves. To speak kind words to ourselves, and practice makes perfect.   

 

      Here are five ways we can love, consider, and protect ourselves:   

• Look in the mirror every morning as you wash your face or put on your makeup, and smile at yourself.
• Say kind words to yourself, even when you have messed up. Never, never, never call yourself names, even in jest. Never. 
• Do not allow others to call you names, even in jest. If someone is calling you names and says they are joking, be aware.
• I realize some of you live in parts of the world where pushing back can be dangerous. If you are not able to push back on the name-calling or mistreatment, practice speaking silently to yourself and saying ‘I do not receive that.’ Do not allow negativity into your spirit, your heart, or your mind. You would be surprised to know how much unchecked negativity is affecting you. Do not receive it. 
• Do something kind for yourself on a regular basis. The women in my Facebook group know that I buy myself flowers on a regular basis. I work from home, so in the midst of all my office stuff, I get to glance over at my flowers every once in a while. They bring me a moment of joy as I work. Do something. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant.   

When the world, our world, realizes we have only good, positive intentions for ourselves, they will eventually come to realize that they are getting nowhere trying to get us to ‘come around'. That is why it is important for us to know ourselves, to respect ourselves, to be kind to ourselves. 

If you don’t like and respect you, it will be difficult for others to like and respect you, even your own family members. 

Consider this: if we are doing what everyone else wants us to do all the time, are we happy? Are we living our best, most joyful, and relevant lives?

You know, I did not know what gaslighting was until just a few years ago. But once I found out about it, I realized there were times during my life when I had been gaslit! I am glad I can now recognize it for what it is, and can act accordingly. Acting accordingly when being gaslit means recognizing it when it is happening, trusting your gut that it is happening, and then standing firm in the love and protection you created for yourself. I put an article in the show notes that defines gaslighting, and explains how to recognize it. Check it out. It’s intriguing. 

And no, I did not take a sudden left turn and changed the subject. Gaslighting can happen to anyone. But it I believe we are more susceptible when we are heartbroken, grieving, and unaware of how worthy we are.  We all as human beings have been through a lot these last few years.      

We have suffered some form of loss, and then on top of that loss a pandemic. Some of us are still dealing with brain fog and other effects of COVID.  I am dealing with serious brain fog. But honestly, I don’t know if it is COVID  or being a woman of a certain age, or both. Either way lets practice those five things I mentioned earlier, especially as we head into a fresh new year. Let’s practice being intentional. 

Closing:

Be sure to check out the show notes. I put some links in this episode's show notes that I believe you will like. For instance, there is an article here on the definition and effects of gaslighting. There is a link to my Only One in the Room interview. It’s always cool to be interviewed!

Thanks again to those who reached out to me during hiatus. You made my day!  Remember, be kind to yourself! 

 

See you in January!

Articles/links of interest:

https://punchng.com/court-dissolves-14-year-marriage-over-childlessness/

Video interview of my guest appearance on The Only One In The Room Podcast: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlD8pPwm88c

 

Article on the definition and the effects of gaslighting 

 https://www.ananiasfoundation.org/gaslighting/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA99ybBhD9ARIsALvZavVGy2VRJhIZTWHsOBEFyrsuskUlywx_TwnYtS_cVrsCjtF2qwWuh24aAgC0EALw_wcB

Episode quotes:

Be intentional.

Five things we can do to love, consider, and protect ourselves.

Practice speaking silently to yourself…do not allow negativity into your heart and your mind.

Say kind words to yourself.

Special thank you to:

All of the wonderful listeners of the Childless not by Choice podcast! 

All of the guests of the podcast!

All of the wonderful patrons of the platform!

My contact information:

Website: www.childlessnotbychoice.net and www.civillamorgan.com
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