Episode 148--Beg, Plead, Bargain, Repeat!

 

Hello, and welcome to episode 148 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world, reminding you, us, that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.  

Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!  

 

What is today’s show about?

Beg, Plead, Bargain, Repeat!

 

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Body of episode:

I begged, plead, and bargained with God for a family. I wanted at least one kid, a boy. It was always a boy. I even had a name picked out.

You know, it is important not to tell people your business. It was so long ago so I don’t know  I don’t know why I mentioned the name out loud, but one day I did. 

The first time I heard the name I felt an instant connection. I started researching the meaning, the definition and found it quite fitting for all I had been going through. The tons of fibroids, all of the myomectomies, the crying myself to sleep. The name reaps up painful memories of a challenging part of my journey. 

Someone named one of her children that very name. It broke my heart. Honestly, I kinda felt somewhere deep down at that time, that I would not be having a child. But there was still a tiny window of hope. If that makes sense.  

I worked at a certain company years ago where I recall all the young moms planning day trips to child-friendly locales. I wasn’t jealous, I thought it was beautiful. It was their way of getting their little people out of the house and getting themselves out of the house as well. All of these young women got along, so they wanted their kids to get along. Nothing wrong with that. But of course, I remained silent. I had nothing to contribute, even to say what a beautiful idea, could possibly make me a target. 

I remained stoic, staring at my computer, as they all buzzed around me making their plans.

I know some of you are in that part of the journey right now. And all I can tell you, as trite as it may sound, ‘this too shall pass’. It really will. And the other thing I will tell you is don’t pretend. Yes, it’s OK to smile through your day if that’s what you do, but please go to therapy. 

At that point in my life, I had not gone to therapy yet. In fact, it was just before I went. Please go to therapy. Do nice things for yourself as often as you can during this time. Go to the beach, go to your favorite coffee shop, your favorite museum, or whatever makes you happy. And tell yourself every day, that you are worthy. You are not a second-class citizen. You are here for a reason. Remind yourself of all the good things about you, and work on whatever you need to work on to make yourself an even better human. That’s for you to know and to work on. 

I am no longer dealing with children issues, I guess it’s grandchildren issues now. I mean it is never going to end, so the best thing we can do for ourselves is to belong to Community, the childless not by choice community. It has grown so much over the last few years. There is a place for you no matter where in the world you are.   

You know, as I recall the times of crying myself to sleep, as I listened to my biological clock tick, tick, tick.  Begging God to answer my prayers, as things got progressively worse. And then the time came for me to have a hysterectomy. No answer. No response. Those are times that I look back on with a modicum of pain, but I am still here, so I believe my life events have strengthened me. In fact, empowered me. I know the same can be for you. Just hang in there no matter where in the journey you are. 

That boy’s name. I won’t mention it. Maybe one day I will. But not today. It is a powerful name. You may try to figure it out. Be my guest. Hint: It’s not a person’s name, but it could be. 

You know, I can say that my childless not by choice experience is based on this name. I got nothing out of my life that I expected or wanted. The life I wanted, expected, was somehow sacrificed. Yes, the name is very fitting. 

I had to make the decision to push through. To not be bitter. To decide not to be bitter. It is an actual choice, a decision. It doesn’t just happen.   

If you don’t make the decision, the results of life will make the decisions for you. And life’s choices, and decisions, are not usually good. We have to literally wash the lemons, cut them up, squeeze them into cold water, with some vanilla or lemon essence, and some sugar. YOu have to literally make the lemonade. Make the best of the life you have been given.  

Before I let you go, I want to read this poem to you. I was searching for a notebook to take notes for a course I am taking. Knowing me I figured I had to have an unused notebook somewhere. I happily found the notebook I needed, and there was a folded piece of paper sticking out. It’s dated June of 2004.  

 

Research links:

2004 poem I wrote and just found on the back of a notebook on Sunday, January 15, 2023:

I don’t care how light or dark my baby is, I just want a baby.

I just want him to be healthy.

‘Ten fingers, ten toes, two feet, two hands, and a nose!

Two eyes, two ears; if it's a girl, enough hair for her bows.

Dimples on her cheeks like grandma, or a dimple in the chin like me and grandpa.

Kicking around when she has a pamper change, rolling over which starts her independence stage.

A girly girl, or a boy full of energy; either one, it does not matter to me.

I’ll take one of each at the same time, that would be a sight to see.

Everyone loves twins you see, especially me!

–Civilla (June 2004).      

Episode quotes:

‘Do the best you can with what’s left of your heart.’-Civilla

'The journey does not end, the terrain changes.'-Civilla 

Articles/links of interest:

https://www.yicaiglobal.com/news/one-tenth-of-chinese-women-are-childless-up-from-6-cpdrc-says

 

https://people.com/parents/chelsea-handler-explains-why-she-doesnt-want-kids/#:~:text=Chelsea%20Handler%20is%20ruling%20out,see%20children%20in%20her%20future.

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