Communicate with Confidence: Tips for Graduate Student Success

Effective communication isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a core skill for success in graduate school and in life. In the latest Victors in Grad School episode, "Communicating Your Needs with Confidence," Dr. Christopher Lewis and Reilly Chabie tackle a challenge every grad student encounters: advocating for yourself and expressing what you truly need to thrive.

Reilly Chabie, a regular contributor, dives deep into why communication matters—not only academically but across every dimension of wellness. She introduces listeners to the "balancing act" every student faces, emphasizing the Eight Dimensions of Wellness (emotional, environmental, physical, etc.) and how imbalances can directly impact our ability to communicate effectively.

Stress, a common companion for grad students, gets special attention. Reilly details how physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms of stress can interfere with clear communication—reminding us that a little stress is normal, but chronic stress can sow confusion and erode confidence. Knowing yourself and recognizing when stress is impacting your communication is the first step toward improvement.

The podcast unpacks common barriers to effective communication. From emotional dysregulation and lack of trust, to power dynamics, cultural differences, imposter syndrome, and assumptions, Reilly paints a honest picture of challenges students face daily. She references “The Four Horsemen” communication pitfalls (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), illustrating why learning new healthy habits is vital.

Listeners are guided through the spectrum of communication styles—passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. The goal? To build assertive communication skills that foster respectful dialogue and collaborative problem-solving. Reilly provides actionable tips: plan ahead, create the right environment for conversations, use “I” statements, pay attention to nonverbal cues, and actively listen—not just talk.

Perhaps most compelling is the discussion around boundaries. Setting and communicating personal limits is crucial to self-advocacy and maintaining healthy relationships in grad school.

If you’re navigating group projects, research collaboration, or simply balancing multiple life roles, this episode is packed with insights and practical advice. Whether you’re a new student or a seasoned grad, you’ll find wisdom that applies beyond the classroom.

Ready to advocate for yourself and build confidence in your communication? Listen to this episode and start your journey toward more effective, fulfilling conversations—both in and outside grad school.

---

Looking for actionable communication resources? Don’t miss this episode—you’ll be glad you did!

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:01]:
Welcome to Victors in Grad School, where.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:03]:
We have conversations with students, alumni and.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:
Experts about what it takes to find success in graduate school.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:11]:
Hello and welcome. Thanks so much for being here today. I'm Dr. Lewis, the director of graduate programs here at the University of Michigan, Flint. Really excited that you're here today because today we're going to be talking about a really important topic. We're going to be talking about about the importance of communicating and advocating for yourself. Because as a graduate student, you definitely have to be able to advocate for yourself and you gotta be able to talk to people and tell people what you need to be able to be successful in this graduate school journey that you're on. And today we got a great guest with us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:51]:
Riley Chaby is with us again. And I'm really excited to have Riley here today to talk about this really important topic with you. So I'm going to turn it over to her. Riley, thanks so much for being here today.

Reilly Chabie [00:01:02]:
Absolutely. Thank you so much for the introduction, Dr. Lewis. I appreciate it. And as Dr. Lewis mentioned, communicating your needs is a crucial part of not only being a graduate student, but also just kind of existing in the world. So I hope today's presentation is helpful in all contexts of your life. To kind of get started, we'll go over a brief overview as to what you can expect.

Reilly Chabie [00:01:26]:
We're going to talk a little bit about something I like to call the Balancing act of just being a Graduate Student. That'll come up here shortly. I'm going to talk about why does communication matter? Just kind of brief things that are related to you as a graduate student, but also just why communication matters in the grand scheme of life. We're going to talk about some barriers that we might experience for effective communication. And then we're going to learn how to communicate with confidence, some tips, tricks, things to kind of consider in order to navigate these challenges. All right. It would not be a CAPS presentation if we didn't talk a little bit about the eight dimensions of wellness. If you've ever seen any of my presentations before, you have definitely seen me talk about these dimensions.

Reilly Chabie [00:02:18]:
And interestingly enough, most of U of M Flint's Division of Student affairs programming focuses and aims to provide supports that relate to these eight dimensions of wellness, which interest. Interestingly enough, my conversation today does relate to the eight dimensions of wellness. So very briefly, the eight dimensions of wellness essentially creates a visual representation of all of the aspects that make us up as a person. So we all have. And kind of looking at the wheel on my screen Here we all have emotional connections, we have environmental connections, physical connections, so on and so forth. And all of these areas require our attention at any given point during our day to day functioning. That kind of leads into this balancing act that while you're functioning as a graduate student, you are absolutely trying to balance all of these dimensions in a way that makes you kind of feel fulfilled, makes you feel like you're achieving the things that you want to achieve, and ultimately you utilize these to kind of guide your everyday decisions. Now, a big part of this is that if any of these dimensions are feeling a little out of whack or we feel like we're not engaging in them as much as we would like to, that does disrupt our general functioning, which can very easily lead to a lot of different frustrations and truthfully plays a large role into why we struggle with communicating the things that we need.

Reilly Chabie [00:03:59]:
Right. That I might not know that I'm physically hurting until I really think about it. It. And if I don't take care of that physical nature, I might be more irritable or you know, struggling in a particular area and having a hard time communicating that. So it's helpful to kind of put this into context with our communication patterns and this knowledge will kind of help us. What's the right word? It's going to help us identify what needs we actually have and really play into the types of communications that we need to provide. So kind of keep that in mind as we move forward here. I also want to touch a little bit on stress symptoms specifically, because if we're considering how the eight dimensions of wellness allow us to function, and when one of them isn't being focused on as much or is struggling in some context, we ultimately will experience some level of stre.

Reilly Chabie [00:05:03]:
And the symptoms and kind of definitions on your screen here also help us to see when our communication is not being effective. Right. That if we're not communicating as deeply or as importantly as we'd like to be, we might experience chronic stress. So a brief definition of stress. This is our physical, emotional and cognitive reactions to certain demands, threats, or just changes in our daily routines. And I bet you anything as a graduate student, you have a lot of changes going on on your day to day experience. Whether you're in classes, going to work, studying, maybe taking care of kiddos, just trying to navigate all of these different roles, you absolutely are going to have differences and changes in your routine when these things happen, though, we might experience some level of stress. I think it's important to note that general levels of Stress or are actually pretty okay.

Reilly Chabie [00:06:05]:
Stress can be a really big motivating factor in how we navigate the world and ultimately leads to kind of doing our best work. Sometimes that, you know, for example, if I was stressed about giving this presentation, I might work really hard to provide you the best material. Right. And make sure that I'm providing things that would be helpful for this. But the issue becomes when we experience these stress system, excuse me, symptoms intensely and chronically. So it's not just a here and there experience, but more so it's every day or every other day, or it's so intense that we feel like we can't function in a way that helps us navigate the world. So some of the things that you want to look out for are your physical symptoms. So those could be sleeping problems, muscle aches, headaches, frequent colds.

Reilly Chabie [00:07:02]:
Our immune system is affected by our stress levels or increased heart rate. Emotionally, you might notice some anxiety, depression, loneliness, low self esteem. And then cognitively or kind of in our mind, we might experience memory concerns, worrying about things constantly, difficulties concentrating, and possibly poor judgment and impulse control. This one in particular will relate to our communication patterns in just a second. So just kind of keep that in mind as we move forward here. So with some of those stressors in mind, I think it's helpful to kind of consider how communication really plays into our experience and why it's important that we're experiencing these things. So communication is a fundamental component of relationship building. I mean, it's kind of the center of our universe, right? We have to communicate in order to navigate these things.

Reilly Chabie [00:08:07]:
Having effective communication or working on your communication will reduce your overall stress, which relates to our previous slide, talking through some of those stressful things. Having effective communication will absolutely help your groups, people that you're communicating with, or just general organizations work more cohesively and lead to better productivity, which absolutely plays a role in your life as a graduate student. If you're doing group projects, doing research, working in a lab, whatever it might be, it also helps to build your confidence and it helps you advocate and it ultimately helps you build trust with the people that you're working with or engaging with in a way that really makes life feel more fulfilling. You know, the more that you practice your communication skills and the more you work toward identifying the things that you need to communicate, the easier it is, no matter what setting you're in. And then lastly, it does reduce levels of conflict, and I'm talking about conflict in all of the different areas of your life, whether that's in romantic Relationships, friendships, co worker relationships, anything like that. It prevents misunderstandings due to lack of clarity or miscommunications in some way. So if we're effectively communicating, we're absolutely moving in the right direction. Keep these things in mind as we navigate the skills that we're going to talk about later, because those skills are what we practice so that we can gain these effective communication skills.

Reilly Chabie [00:09:45]:
Let's shift a little bit into communication barriers. Obviously, communication is not just a simple thing that we do every single day. In some ways it is. For example, I'm communicating with you right now, and this is relatively simple, but it's not always gonna look that way. And I think it's helpful to go through some of the barriers or things to kind of consider that might be affecting the way that we navigate these conversations. So I want you to take a moment and I'll briefly pause for you to think about this. I want you to think about what some of your barriers are to effective communication, because there's lots of them. There's no perfect list, but take a second and just kind of reflect on what barriers you foresee in your day to day.

Reilly Chabie [00:10:40]:
Now, as you think about those things, I'm going to list off a few and talk through some of my thought process around struggles with communication. One big area of communication barriers is our emotional dysregulation. So take a second and think of a time when you were feeling really overwhelmed. Maybe you were experiencing stress, maybe something was really confusing to you and you started to feel really irritated. And maybe you were asking yourself, why am I even bothered by this? What's going on in my life where I'm feeling this frustrated? Right? Those things are starting to come up in your mind. This might lead to heightened emotional states. Maybe we're feeling extra angry or extra sad, or really struggling to kind of navigate this area of our life. And that type of emotional dysregulation absolutely makes it difficult to be clear, concise, and communicate effectively.

Reilly Chabie [00:11:42]:
Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we really don't mean, or we end up crying during a conversation and feel like we can't get a word out, or our anger is so hard that we prevent other people from adding to the conversation. All of these different things relate to emotions, dysregulation, and we want to kind of keep that in mind as we navigate these challenges. We're also going to want to consider our locations or spaces. There are definitely some places that are not conducive to a good conversation. For example, I'm not going to have a conversation about how my friend upset me the other day at a really loud concert. That doesn't really make any sense. So we're going to want to consider some of the best places to have these conversations and consider how that plays into the context of the conversation. Trust or distrust absolutely plays a role here.

Reilly Chabie [00:12:41]:
That if you trust somebody, you're probably going to be more likely to be vulnerable and talk about things that are bothering you or advocate for your needs. If you're not so trusting or you're struggling to see how a person can be trustworthy, we might be more restricted in terms of what we want to talk about, which might lead to miscommunication, it might lead to resentment. A lot of detriments happen when we don't trust the people that we're talking to. So keep that in mind too. That effective communication works really well with people we trust. So that means we need to build trust by practicing communication skills. It's kind of a reciprocal relationship. We also want to consider some power dynamics here.

Reilly Chabie [00:13:27]:
As a graduate student, you might be working with a boss or a professor or other people that maybe kind of are above you in terms of your hierarchy at your work or in school. And then you might also have your own employees or other people that you're maybe supervising, et cetera. We want to make sure that based on these power dynamics, we're effectively communicating without increasing that awareness of the power differential. That, yes, there's a reason that we have that power differential, but that can make things more or less uncomfortable. When trying to communicate something. It might be difficult to communicate to a professor about something, or it might be really easy to talk to a supervisee about something. So trying to navigate it based off of that, we also might want to consider cultural differences. Obviously, the way that I communicate is going to be much different than somebody in a different cultural background, maybe somebody who speaks a different language than I do.

Reilly Chabie [00:14:31]:
We really want to have that be part of our lens when we're communicating. We don't want to be disruptive or assume that people are going to communicate the same way with us, especially based on those cultural differences. So being mindful of that or noticing how it might affect the receiving end of that, that me saying something to somebody might be misinterpreted based on those cultures. Cultural differences. Imposter syndrome also plays a role in this. And what I mean by imposter syndrome is it relates to our confidence or our feelings about whether or not we can communicate that perhaps we feel like we're not able to speak up because we feel like we don't know what we're talking about. Or we assume people are kind of viewing us in a way where we don't belong. So we end up not communicating concerns and kind of leading to some of those stressful symptoms.

Reilly Chabie [00:15:28]:
So that absolutely can play a role. But the hope through this presentation is that we build some skills that can kind of change that aspect. Information overload is a big barrier to communication. Obviously, when we're taking in a lot of information, we have to process all of that. Like our brain has to work through that information and then that stimulus in order to figure out how to respond or figure out how that applies to our experience. So if there's a lot coming at us, for example, in a lecture or in another format, we might have a hard time synthesizing those thoughts and communicating in a way that's effective, that's clear. Or we just might be confused as to what we're talking about in the first place. So that can absolutely be a barrier.

Reilly Chabie [00:16:14]:
And we kind of have to navigate that by seeking clarification or moving through it differently. Misunderstandings or miscommunications are a big piece to communication barriers. That is, if somebody is regularly misunderstanding you or you feel like there's been a miscommunication, a lot of that relates to clarity and conciseness. Or sometimes people feel like they have to kind of navigate these conversations in a filtered way where they're only taking bits and pieces of what you're saying and kind of misconstruing it. So misunderstandings are very, very common, but they absolutely can contribute to the difficulties here. And then the last one that I want to touch base on are assumptions. We can't assume that people know what we're talking about, right? We have to communicate things clearly. And even then, there still might be some difficulties.

Reilly Chabie [00:17:12]:
So something that we want to consider here is that no matter how we're communicating or no matter what we think of other people or doing, doing something related to a conversation, we need to be prepared for any assumptions we might hold, and also the assumptions they might hold about us. And nobody can read your mind, right? So we don't want to assume that they're just going to get it right away or that without communicating that they're going to help you in the way that you need. So assumptions definitely play a role here. And once again, not an exhaustive list of barriers, but a really good overview of things that we might be experiencing. I also want to talk about a very unique type of communication barrier. So Gottman, both Julie and John, they're a married couple. They created a type of couples therapy that focuses on just communication. Right.

Reilly Chabie [00:18:10]:
And one thing that I really loved about what they provided in this training for other therapists is something called the Four Horsemen. Now, I'm not talking about the four Horsemen of the apocalypse. I know that's really common, but I'm actually talking about the Four Horsemen in terms of communication patterns. Gottman noted that there are four types. There's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Now, their work relates mostly with couples, but this can apply in a variety of contexts. So based off of what you see on your screen here, criticism, as the name implies, is criticizing one's character. You know, telling them that they're selfish doing, criticizing the things that they're doing, which is much different than setting a complaint.

Reilly Chabie [00:19:01]:
There's contempt, which is that true level of disrespect where you're name calling with the ultimate goal of making a person feel worthless. There's defensiveness, which is a response to the criticism, where we feel wrongly accused so we might try to defend ourselves and only focus on that. And then there's stonewalling, which is a response to that very negative contempt where individuals will shut down, they will withdraw, they'll feel numb, and they just won't communicate at all. So these are also barriers to communication. And if we're experiencing any level of them, utilizing the skills we'll talk about later will kind of counteract that. But a big part of this is that it takes a lot of practice. Gottman notes that these barriers are kind of rooted in our previous experiences. So we kind of have to unlearn them and learn new things in order to navigate it.

Reilly Chabie [00:20:01]:
So I thought I would bring that in because I think it's kind of an interesting message mix to some of the other barriers. And I feel like these represent a good combination of what couples or friends or other relationships might be experiencing. So other versions of communication barriers. So we've talked about all of the things that ultimately can keep us from communicating effectively. We've also talked about maybe some of the stressful experiences that might coincide with limited conversations or limited communication experiences. I think it's really helpful to consider what types of communications are we actually looking at here when thinking of communication. I'm thinking of four particular types of. And we're going to focus mostly on the verbal and nonverbal.

Reilly Chabie [00:21:04]:
But these definitely apply to written and visual communication types as well. But verbal, obviously, is about spoken words, so that's what I'm communicating with you right now. We also have non verbal, which most people know as our body language, our facial expressions, and ultimately this nonverbal communication is what's supporting the verbal communication. So for example, all of my hand gestures perhaps are emphasizing the spoken words that I'm talking about here today. I'll also note another key part of nonverbal which relates to our communication skills are the concepts of our tone. So if we're, you know, having an attitude, for example, or talking maybe really angrily or really loud, that can kind of relate to how people receive our communication and it might also change the way we feel about that communication. So it's kind of a challenge there. Written communication includes emails, texts, social media posts and requires a bit of like that spelling and grammar consideration.

Reilly Chabie [00:22:20]:
So as a grad student, I bet you anything you're sending lots of emails or texting out to groups or maybe posting on social media. And it matters how we communicate and our verbal and nonverbal play into this as well, especially if we're posting videos and those types of things. We also have visual communication, which is through like images, graphs or symbols. So if you've ever seen a presentation where they have like bar graphs or things like that, that plays into our communication as well because it's a way for us to interpret information. So like I said, we're going to focus mostly on the verbal and the nonverbal piece here. But these do apply to especially written communication, even though we might not be able to have non verbals apply to our written communication. So getting into kind of the nitty gritty of communication here. So thinking about our verbal communication and honestly our nonverbal as well, we want to look at the four styles of communication which as I was doing research for this, I felt like this was kind of interesting as I think sometimes we will kind of fall in all of these categories in some way, or maybe we're very much focused in one area as opposed to another.

Reilly Chabie [00:23:46]:
It just kind of depends, right? So something that we want to kind of consider here are the passive aggressive, the combination which is the passive aggressive and the assertive communication styles. So starting with the left hand side with our passive communication styles, individuals who are passively communicating have a really hard time saying no. They're often apologetic, saying sorry for multiple things, kind of feeling more shy or inward. They struggle to speak up in a variety of contexts and are often agreeable even when something doesn't sit right with them. So they're very much kind of taking a backseat to conversations and navigating the world. And this is actually the type of communication where we are going to experience the most miscommunication errors. Simply because people who are passively communicating are often not sharing their feelings, they're not speaking up in these contexts. So we have to kind of consider that in this process here too.

Reilly Chabie [00:24:53]:
Interestingly enough, passive communication styles relate heavily to our nonverbal communication. So they might be more than likely communicating in a way that is non verbal, Whether that's through hand gestures, maybe it's through their posture, maybe you're seeing limited eye contact, things like that. That's the type of passive communication that we might see from somebody in this style. Shifting gears into the aggressive side of things, this one is a stark difference to the passive communicator. Aggressive communicators have zero concerns about communicating their issues, their feelings, their thoughts, and all of the struggles that they have. In fact, they are likely to be loud, they have angry tones in terms of their nonverbal communication. They might have some intense eye contact, and they just genuinely don't care about what's going on around them. They tend to interrupt people.

Reilly Chabie [00:25:59]:
They might have some intense eye contact, they might be insulting. Just very dominant in this area. This one can be challenging to navigate both from the communicator side of things, but also the person receiving. But a good thing to kind of keep in mind here is that when somebody is kind of being aggressive toward us in this communication style, we once again can use our communication style through calmness or through just kind of stability to kind of navigate that challenge. Shifting into the passive aggressive. This is a combination of the passive and the aggressive. As the name implies, what's distinct about this is that individuals in this category are passive outwardly, meaning they're going to be very agreeable. They're gonna kind of seem content on the outside.

Reilly Chabie [00:27:01]:
They're not necessarily going to be fully communicating, but they might add bits and pieces there. So kind of level outwardly, but they have aggressive motivations when it comes to their actions, right? So, for example, somebody might outwardly be very agreeable, say, yep, that sounds like a good idea, but their actions say otherwise. When they start to maybe do things inappropriately per what was agreed upon, they often can be seen as manipulating the situations based off of this passive aggressive technique. And we kind of struggle with this one because this is the communication style that often uses sarcasm or the silent treatment, which can kind of elicit some really uncomfortable feelings for the person that's trying to communicate with them. So once again, A decent combination between the two, but we're going to notice some of those differences, especially in terms of their actions. And then lastly, the most ideal approach for communication is the assertive approach. So this creates a balance between being able to kind of express your thoughts in a take charge type of way, while also creating a very safe and non judgmental, balanced space for other people to add their thoughts and to feel like they are comfortable enough to do so. People with an assertive communication style often know what their limits are in terms of what they can take on.

Reilly Chabie [00:28:38]:
They're always willing to kind of challenge themselves and navigate the world differently, but they absolutely will tell you no if they can't do something. However, they do this in a very respectful way. They understand that communication plays a large role in how a team navigates a problem or how relationships are developed. So they're really focused on creating a collaborative a space so that all people can be involved in the process. Once again, this is the ideal and sometimes we're going to practice really well in this area. Other times we might fall into some of the other categories. It just really depends on the situation and where we're at. So I think it's helpful to kind of take the communication styles here and see how you fit into that.

Reilly Chabie [00:29:26]:
Do you notice yourself shifting between these areas or do you kind of find yourself within one? And if you're kind of outside the assertive zone, maybe thinking about ways that you can shift your communication approach so that you might relate more to the assertive style as opposed to the others. So just brief overview of the communication styles. So kind of keep that in mind as we look at our skills here. All right, so we have talked a lot about certain communication styles. We've talked about barriers, We've talked about the symptoms that we might experience or the struggles that might happen if we're not not communicating effectively. And I think it's helpful now to shift gears into how does that translate into our actual actions related to communication? Because once again, communication is more than just talking. It's about creating this space and this dynamic where a collaborative approach can kind of help navigate the issues at hand. So first and foremost, we're going to go ahead and start with identifying our needs.

Reilly Chabie [00:30:32]:
If we go back to the previous slides about the eight dimensions of wellness, or perhaps talking a little bit about some of those barriers, those might be indicators as to the types of things that we need.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:47]:
Right.

Reilly Chabie [00:30:48]:
So maybe a few examples of what we need might include asking for help on something, a common thing that I've Utilized, especially when I was a graduate student, was asking for extensions or extra support on an assignment. So that might be a need of yours. We might also think about a need for maybe support in terms of childcare. We might have needs. Regarding how we navigate a work stressor, lots of different needs kind of come up. And if you think about the eight dimensions of wellness and you notice that, like, let's say, for example, our financial stress is increasing, we might notice that we have needs within that area, such as financial counseling or figuring out how to make a budget that we're going to need to communicate and kind of effectively navigate. Once we've identified like a need, we might also look at explaining an issue that we're having as part of our needs, because it's not just simply asking for something, but it might be you're struggling to understand material, right? So you explain what you're struggling with, and that can be a need. Maybe you're explaining an issue between yourself and your partner, whether that's like a group partner or your spouse or somebody in your life.

Reilly Chabie [00:32:18]:
Explaining an issue is just the same as identifying a need for help simply because you're able to open up about your emotional experiences. And that's an important part of building relationships, which, if we remember, is a positive thing to come from effective communication. We also might identify a need like addressing a limit. So when I'm talking about limits, I'm talking about if we've reached this kind of peak level of functioning in a particular area, that's a limit, right? So, for example, a limit that I hold might be that I do not play on my phone before I go to bed, up to like one hour before then, right? That's a limit for me that if I'm playing on my phone right before I go to sleep, I'm absolutely not going to be able to go to sleep as fast as I would like to. So addressing a limit is also a need. Now, when communicating to somebody about that, you are essentially using something called boundaries, which I will talk about in a little bit. But boundaries are our way of communicating those limits and kind of creating consequences on what happens if somebody exceeds that limit or pushes you past that limit. All right, so you've identified that need, right? You've identified the thing that you want to communicate.

Reilly Chabie [00:33:41]:
A big tip here, once you've identified that thing, and I didn't necessarily put it in the slide, but it's very important, is that you plan ahead prior to this conversation. We don't want to jump into a conversation if even Though we've identified a need, we don't actually know what we're looking for. Right. So, for example, if I need help on an assignment that's pretty vague, what specifically do I need help on? What question on the worksheet, what criteria of the rubric, what style do I need to submit my references for? What does that look like? What is the specifics of that need and plan, how you want to communicate that, how you want to say that? Obviously, if we kind of have a bullet point list of maybe some of the points that we want to make, examples of why you have that need, that might be helpful for the person you communicating to, to better understand and get some context around why you're having that conversation in the first place. So planning ahead really helps here. Obviously, I know that that might not always happen, but it is helpful in this context if we can do that. We're also going to want to think about creating the right space to have these conversations. Like I said earlier, we want to make sure we have limited distractions.

Reilly Chabie [00:35:06]:
Having a really emotionally vulnerable conversation with somebody is not going to fare well at a concert or if I'm in class listening to a lecture. Those things have distractions. They're not appropriate for certain things. Which. Speaking of, think of the context of the conversation. Am I going to have a conversation about how I'm concerned that. That my friend is maybe talking to another friend inappropriately in front of, you know, the audience here? Right. Like, would I talk to you about that? Probably not.

Reilly Chabie [00:35:53]:
Even though it's an important conversation that needs to be had, I'm not going to be talking about it in the midst of my presentation here. So think of the context of the conversation and identify a space that works there. Part of creating that space as well is identifying who your audience is. Who are you talking to? It's going to be much different to be talking to a friend as compared to what it's like talking to a professor. There might be certain words or lingo or kind of funny things that you might add to a conversation with your friend that would not be appropriate for how you're communicating with your professor. I'm not necessarily going to tell a joke to my professor unless the context called for it. So we want to keep that in mind as we navigate creating that space. So once you've identified that need, maybe you planned ahead and then you've created that space where you figured out where and when and who you're talking to.

Reilly Chabie [00:36:54]:
We want to communicate it. Right? So first and foremost, we are going to Build our confidence in communicating when we're coming from a place of confidence, right? That because I planned ahead, I'm ready to talk about my feelings, specifically, my experiences specifically. Which relates to the second bullet point here, which is using I statements. So I bet that I statements kind of feels a little nostalgic in a way that I remember kind of learning this in kindergarten. Like the I feel or I think or I have noticed this is really crucial to communicating your needs because we don't want to place blame on people. We don't want to indirectly accuse somebody of doing something when we don't have the full understanding of what's going on in the front first place. Right? So utilizing I statements and building confidence around practicing, like, I feel angry when this thing happens, or I have noticed that this thing has happened before and this is how it's made me feel. Right? The more we practice that and the more we kind of come in tune with our own feelings and thoughts, the more confidence we have.

Reilly Chabie [00:38:18]:
And we're not talking about the actions of the other person. We're only focusing on our experience, which is really the only thing we have control over in that moment. We also want to keep an eye out when we're communicating these things using I statements. We want to keep an eye out for our nonverbal communication, right. That some things we want to keep in mind are, do we have good eye contact? Right. We're not directly staring into their soul, but we're also not averting our gaze when trying to talk about something important. Right. We want to have a little bit of that confidence, good posture, right.

Reilly Chabie [00:38:54]:
With our shoulders square, a little bit back, as straight as it can be. We don't want to necessarily be hunched over or in other predicaments there. We also might want to limit crossing our arms or kind of creating an inadvertent barrier. Right? Because sometimes that can give off a sense of discomfort or you're blocking the conversation, those types of things. That. That might be kind of a comfort thing for some people, but if we avoid that, we're kind of moving toward showing with our body language that we're open to communication and ready to have what is called a conversation, as opposed to just. Just, I'm giving you this information and that's it. We also absolutely want to check our tone, right.

Reilly Chabie [00:39:45]:
That we're not necessarily coming from an angry space or we don't want to be too quiet or too timid in that process. We want that tone to be stable and precise. We also definitely want to keep an eye out on our emotional levels. Right? So let's say you start a conversation keeping all of these things in mind. You're talking about your I feels, your I thinks, explaining the situation. But as the conversation is going on, you're getting too heated, right? You're maybe getting more frustrated. You're maybe not necessarily thinking about what the other person is saying, but more so thinking about what you're going to say next in response or how are you going to defend yourself. That's a great indicator that you might need to take a step back, acknowledge that that conversation is not going to go as well as we would like it to.

Reilly Chabie [00:40:37]:
It might not be as effective because our thinking and our thought patterns are going to be affected by that. We're not going to think as clearly. So it is okay to note like, whoa, I'm feeling a little overheated here. I'm actually going to take a five minute break. Let's come back to this conversation in a second. That may sound weird, but that's actually really effective in helping people not only process information, but also to reduce a lot of that emotional dysregulation which we talked about earlier when considering emotional barriers or, excuse me, communication barriers. And then the last piece that I want to consider here is, yes, communication and the way that you are saying something through your verbal and nonverbal communication is very crucial to communicating your needs. But the other part of this that is just as important is your active listening skills, right? It's not like you're just talking to a wall and you're expressing something to that wall and then it's left there, right? People that you're talking to are going to respond, they're going to have feelings, they're going to be practicing these skills just like you are.

Reilly Chabie [00:41:45]:
Right? So we want to engage in our active listening skills. And what I mean by active listening is we need to pause and really take in the information that they're giving us. That if they say I feel sad or I feel embarrassed or some variation of that, we absolutely want to take that in and use that as an opportunity to reflect for them. Right? So if I say to you I feel angry when you don't let me know that you're coming home late from work. So if I express that to you, that's your opportunity to reflect back, saying, oh, when I don't communicate to you that I'm coming home late, that makes you angry and maybe makes you feel worried about me. Right. That's kind of a summary or a reflection of what I just said that tells me that you're listening and that you've actually noticed the specifics of what I've told you. Right? And it gives you both a chance to really process and kind of get that critical thinking and problem solving part of your brain running.

Reilly Chabie [00:42:51]:
So just as much as communicating your needs is important, listening to the experiences of others really makes for that reciprocal and mutual conversation to go the way that you want it to. So we have a couple more slides left, and with some of those communication skills in mind, things that you want to consider. I wanted to circle back to the boundaries piece, which is a specific type of communication that can be used in any setting, even outside of being a grad student. I actually used this image in one of my previous presentations because I think it's helpful to note that boundaries are very similar to those eight dimensions of wellness where we're identifying boundaries. Within these different areas, you might have some emotional boundaries, maybe some conversational boundaries, like perhaps you don't want to talk about certain topics or with a particular person, you're not willing or are willing to communicate certain feelings, maybe some physical boundaries, etc. These are just as important to maintaining our confidence with needs, right? Because there are going to be instances where we've met those limits and this is what we need to communicate. Maybe we didn't have these effective conversations previously before we've met that limit, but now's the time to do so. And practicing this skill helps us kind of build confidence in what we're feeling, and it also helps us kind of establish our own identity and how we want to navigate our world.

Reilly Chabie [00:44:27]:
Right? Because these boundaries are based off of your values, the things that you care about, and communicating them lets people know what you do care about and the things that you want to do in order to maintain that connection. So as we wrap up here, I just want to offer a couple of things that might be helpful in your journey with communication in winter 2026. So starting sometime in January, I will be hosting again our Healing Heart Circle, which is a relationship support group where we do talk about more in depth. Some of these considerations I also have here our CAPS Instagram page. This is really helpful just for general material on mental health, and feel free to let us know if there's some communication things you want to see through reels or other postings. So feel free to check that out. And with that, that's all that I have for you today on communicating your needs with confidence. Feel free to scan this QR code to let me know how I did, or if there was any material that maybe you wanted me to discuss.

Reilly Chabie [00:45:29]:
And I can have that for next time. Thank you so much, everybody.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:45:32]:
Thanks, Riley. Really appreciate you sharing all of this today. We have recorded it so we will make sure that it goes live and is shared with everyone because we want everyone to have an opportunity to be able to learn and grow and work on those communication skills, to be able to, as I said at the beginning, better advocate for themselves. But this has been amazing. Riley, thank you so much for sharing this today, for being here, and for sharing all this amazing, all these amazing resources. And I look forward to having you back again very soon.

Reilly Chabie [00:46:09]:
All right, thank you so much, Dr. Lewis. Bye everybody.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:46:12]:
The University of Michigan Flint has a full array of master's and doctorate programs if you are interested in continuing your education. Whether you're looking for in person or online learning options, the University of Michigan Flint has programs that will meet your needs. For more information on any of our graduate programs, visit umflint.edu graduate programs to find out more. Thanks again for spending time with me as you prepare to be a victor in grad school. I look forward to speaking with you again soon as we embark together on your graduate school journey. If you have any questions or want to reach out, email me at flintgrad officemflint. Eduardo.