Episode 35: 4 Reasons the Unfaithful Avoid Hard Conversations
Release Date: 01/09/2025
Episode 57: What are No Lose Decisions In Infidelity Recovery?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this provocative and practical episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down one of the most transformative concepts in affair recovery: No-Lose Decisions — the courageous choices that move you forward no matter the issue or the outcome. Most unfaithful partners feel trapped by shame, fear of failure, and all-or-nothing thinking. But today’s conversation shows why growth is always possible when you choose honesty, courage, transparency, and connection… even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s new, and even when it doesn’t go perfectly. Through real examples,...
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Episode 56: HEALING FROM SECRET INTRIGUE
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam take an unflinching look at how to heal one of the most deceptive forces blocking recovery after infidelity — secret intrigue. What begins as seemingly curiosity or emotional “buzz” moments can quietly evolve into a pattern that sabotages integrity, intimacy, and repair. Whether you’re five days or five years into recovery, intrigue can remain a threat to your healing — and this episode breaks down how to recognize it, stop it, and build the emotional and relational resilience that real recovery requires. 🎧 What...
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Episode 55: INTRIGUE: The Silent Saboteur of Healing and Connection After Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn’t what you think it is? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpack how "intrigue" quietly destroys connection, fuels secrecy, and sabotages healing long before an affair - or any kind of sexual or emotionally intimate acting out - ever begins. You’ll learn how seemingly insignificant, subtle thoughts and behaviors can become powerful dopamine loops that reinforce shame, self-betrayal, and emotional disconnection. This honest conversation exposes how intrigue starts, why it feels so intoxicating, and...
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Episode 54: What Are The Consequences of People Pleasing For the Unfaithful?
Ask the Unfaithful
“Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters.” In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James and Sam reveal how people pleasing critically affects the Unfaithful and the steps to stopping it and living a new life where energy is focused on relationship repair and growth. 👉 If you’re an unfaithful partner, this conversation will help you see how people pleasing isn’t harmless. It drains your energy, blurs your identity, disrupts recovery and arrests trust rebuilding by de-prioritizing your betrayed partner. You’ll discover: ✅...
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ATU Shorts SE5: Helping the Unfaithful Move From "Not It!" to "Got it!"
Ask the Unfaithful
On today's episode of “Moving from Not It to Got It,” Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the “Not It” phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity. The reality is, “Not It” causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to: blocking all...
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Episode 53: 10 Ways the Unfaithful's Distorted Thinking Destroys Hope
Ask the Unfaithful
Stinking Thinking is more than just negative self-talk—it’s the distorted, automatic thought patterns that block empathy, sabotage trust, and keep both the unfaithful and the betrayed partner stuck in cycles of pain. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how “stinking thinking” shows up after infidelity: • The 5 categories of distorted thoughts • How these toxic beliefs re-traumatize the betrayed partner • The devastating psychological effects on the unfaithful • Why distorted thinking erodes the relationship and prevents repair • Practical tools to...
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Episode 52: Entitlement in the Unfaithful: From Demanding to Devotion
Ask the Unfaithful
Entitlement is the silent killer of recovery after infidelity. When an unfaithful partner comes from a position of entitlement, it poisons trust, sabotages healing, and deepens betrayal trauma. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how adult entitlement shows up in the unfaithful partner, why it destroys safety and trust, and what it takes to break free from it. 👉 For betrayed partners: You’ll hear why entitlement makes you feel invisible, invalidated, and unsafe—and why your pain is real and justified. 👉 For unfaithful partners: You’ll learn how entitlement fuels...
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Episode 51: 4 Ways Shame and Avoidance Sabotage Healing from Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
Shame and avoidance are two of the most powerful forces keeping unfaithful partners stuck after betrayal. In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we uncover how these patterns silently sabotage healing—for both you and your relationship—and what you can do to change it. 🔍 In this episode, we cover: ✅ 4 ways shame and avoidance show up in recovery ✅ Why emotional honesty is essential for rebuilding trust ✅ The 5 core steps to building shame resilience ✅ How to use the R.E.A.L. Method to share emotions without harming your partner ✅ Common pitfalls that can derail recovery—and...
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Episode 50: The Arousal Template: Identifying Triggers and Blindspots
Ask the Unfaithful
In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James take a deep dive into one of the most misunderstood—and most important—concepts in infidelity recovery: the Arousal Template. Too often, betrayed partners and unfaithful partners alike are left wondering: Why did this happen? Why do I keep making destructive choices? Can these unhealthy patterns ever change? This episode delivers answers—by unpacking: ✅ What the Arousal Template actually is and why it’s so critical to understand ✅ How early life experiences shape your unconscious sexual and emotional triggers ✅ Why...
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Episode 49: Was the Unfaithful Really in Love with the Affair Partner?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences in the aftermath of infidelity: limerence. Often confused with love, limerence is an obsessive, fantasy-fueled state that can hijack recovery and prolong betrayal. If you’ve ever felt “addicted” to your affair partner or struggled to break free—even when you know the relationship is destructive—this episode is for you. Join Sam and James as they explore: • What limerence really is (and what it’s not) • How emotional and sexual affairs can become neurologically addictive...
info_outlineWhy do we unfaithful seem so committed to avoiding hard conversations, especially those about our infidelity or addiction? Why does it feel to the betrayed, that we just can't seem to discuss anything emotionally difficult or anything that presents us in a negative, less than perfect light? The truth is, you betrayed are right, we do avoid hard conversations and are massively apprehensive to discuss our infidelity. But why do we do it? What's going on behind the scenes?
This toxic avoidance of ours causes many problems for the betrayed parters, often times leaving them feeling undermined and worried that we are returning to our old self-centered selves, with no real desire to heal or change. It also comes off as us wanting to avoid our partners like they’re the plague and says we don’t care enough to hold their pain and don’t want to help them heal, leaving them feeling desperately alone, wounded and uncared for.
We say we want to heal and want the relationship, but the betrayed feels lost in a sea of mixed signals from us. These conflicting messages continue to leave our partner feeling wickedly off balance, underminded and just plain confused. In order to help the betrayed feel safe, we must learn to focus on what we do and not just what we say as these mixed messages continue to retraumatize the betrayed. Our acting close yet pulling away creates an emotional rollercoaster amongst an already emotional firestorm set ablaze by your private, double lives.
As we discuss these reasons and signs today, we hope the you both, unfaithful and betrayed feel not only seen, but identified and validated in both your pain and confusion. As we say time and time again, there is a better way and there is hope for your situation. If you're reading this and if you have breath in your lungs, it's not too late for you and your own healing. We don't know about your relationship but we do know about you and your own purpose, healing and future. Don't give up on you and don't give up on your own process. If you don't yet have a process, contact us at asktheunfaithful@gmail.com and we'll help you find and develop a process specific to you and your story.
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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com
Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com
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Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast
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