Ask the Unfaithful

The Ask The Unfaithful Podcast, is a safe place for both Unfaithful and Betrayed Partners to find hope and healing. This podcast draws on both our personal and professional experience to provide expert insight into the mind of the Unfaithful, and how their behaviors traumatically affect the life, heart and even brain plasticity of Betrayed Partners. Ask the Unfaithful is hosted by two Unfaithfuls in long-term recovery, James and Sam: Therapist and coach James Annear who co-owns CORE Relationship Recovery with his wife, Sharon Rinearson. They have been helping couples recover from the traumatic impacts of infidelity, sexually compulsive behaviors and addiction for over a decade. Formerly with Affair Recovery and now host of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam has been producing videos for almost 10 years and helping to care for those in crisis due to infidelity and addiction for almost 15 years.

Episode 43: What People-Pleasing Does to the Betrayed Partner 05/01/2025

Episode 43: What People-Pleasing Does to the Betrayed Partner People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation. In marriages or relationships, this can mean: o Constantly putting family, friends, or co-workers first. o Leaving the primary partner, aka the betrayed partner, feeling like an afterthought. Post infidelity, people pleasing is not only difficult but toxic for the entire recovery process. It often times feels like yet another betrayal to the betrayed partner. When an unfaithful partner prioritizes pleasing others outside the primary relationship, the betrayed partner who doesn't people-please can experience significant emotional and relational harm, including resentment, distrust, and loss of intimacy, as their needs and boundaries are consistently disregarded. This not only undermines all efforts at restoration, but continues to leave the betrayed partner confused and lost in the aftermath of not only the initial affair, but the feelings of isolation, despair and insignificance due to the unfaithful refusing to prioritize the betrayed above all others. The simple truth is, it doesn't need to be this way. We hope today not only validates the betrayed but gives words to feelings possibly never expressed. For you the unfaithful, listen carefully as we talk through how your actions can make things worse, not better. And.....know that there is a better way. To Healing, James and Sam ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/36384755

Episode 42: How Excessive Self-Protection by the Unfaithful is Toxic After Infidelity is Discovered 04/18/2025

Episode 41: Why Do the Unfaithful Take Things Personally? 04/04/2025

Episode 41: Why Do the Unfaithful Take Things Personally? Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something is wrong with us, or you the betrayed are unhappy with us, or we consider ourselves worthless. Additionally, we unfaithful are masters at making every conversation about us, our feelings, our disagreeing with your concerns or our need for validation. But sadly, we were the ones who went outside the marriage and if anyone has a right to take things personally, it's the betrayed. Today, we explore a variety of both intriguing but also complex reasons why we unfaithful take things so personally in life and in recovery work. While none of these serve as excuses or justification to be reactive, defensive or insecure they are reasons that can explain our behavior and help ultimately lead to personal healing and restoration. To refuse to admit we struggle with any or all of these issues is to remain blind to our own need for personal reflection and individual recovery work. If you're an unfaithful, perhaps it's time to reflect upon the above 8 causes of hyperreactivity in your life? Maybe it's time to consult an expert on whether these issues and more are not only prevalent in your life, but are also impeding any progress you're trying to make with your partner, your family or even just yourself? While you may relate to all of them or just some of them, rest assured that doesn't disqualify you from the potential to heal or find personal transformation. The answer is not always working harder, but smarter. There are in fact, reasons the unfaithful are reactive and resort to defensive tactics when their character flaws are discussed. And.....while a safe atmosphere is key, it's vital we are able to be safe for open dialogue and honest discussion on how our choices have wounded so many. Today you'll hear just that: open and safe dialogue into the mind, heart and inner workings of the unfaithful spouse. We See You Because We Are You. James and Sam ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/36002565

Episode 40: What is Toxic Negativity & What Can Be Done About It? 03/20/2025

Episode 40: What is Toxic Negativity & What Can Be Done About It? Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in general, often dismissing or disregarding any positive experiences or perspectives. It manifests as constant complaining, pessimism, and an inability or refusal to see the good in anything, including ourselves. This type of negativity can also include being excessively critical, judgmental, or even emotionally draining for those around the person displaying it, especially in the relationship attempting to heal from infidelity or addiction. Toxic negativity is massively alienating and wounding because it: Drains Emotional Energy: Constant negativity can leave others feeling emotionally exhausted. It’s hard to engage in conversations or relationships when every topic is met with criticism or hopelessness. Inhibits Growth and Problem-Solving: Focusing on the negatives prevents individuals from seeing solutions or opportunities for improvement. Instead of working through challenges, toxic negativity leads to a feeling of 'stuckness' and helplessness, which if not guarded against can allow for an unfaithful to regress into a 'victim mindset, further exacerbating the recovery process. Affects Mental Health: Being surrounded by or adopting a toxic-negative mindset can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and relapse. It reinforces feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, making it difficult for the unfaithful to feel hopeful or positive about their own lives and recovery process. Damages Relationships: When toxic negativity is persistent in the life of the unfaithful, it can drive partners, spouses or family members away. The recovery process flourishes on actions, empathy and intentionality. Consistently negative approaches and behavior undermines the entire foundation of repair work. Reinforces a Cycle of Hopelessness: The more an unfaithful focuses on insufficiency or unworthiness, the more vulnerable they become to discouragement, victimization of themselves and alienation of their betrayed partner. This limits growth and change, keeping them trapped in a negative feedback loop which is toxic for everyone. Today you'll find a way out of toxic negativity and practical help for making a fresh start in your own recovery work as well as your relationship's, right now. In Hope, James and Sam ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/35797225

Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery 03/06/2025

Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!" We just have such a hard time as unfaithful, making the connection between broken promises and sirens going off in the heart and mind of the betrayed. "Well, if you can't commit to something as small and easy as the aforementioned items, how can I know you'll stay committed to the bigger things like saying no to temptation and refraining from flirting or acting out again?" answers the betrayed. "If you can't take seriously the small things, how do I know you'll take seriously the larger, bigger items like therapy, relapse prevention and lifelong sobriety?" says the betrayed. And....quite honestly, they are right in their concerns. But why you may ask? Today we'll share just why it's vital to be a man or woman of keeping your word. Unfaithful, take it from both of us, if you want your betrayed to eventually trust you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually respect you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually start to soften and find more compassion for you, keep your word. Yes, even in the smallest of items. Keeping your word displays character. Keeping your word displays integrity. Keeping your word displays a heartfelt commitment to sobriety. Keeping your word shows a commitment to building a safe life for ourselves and for our partner. We the unfaithful don't always see it this way, but respectively, we're not the ones with betrayal trauma. We hope today is a palatable lesson on how to slowly but surely win back the heart, respect and even trust of the betrayed. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/35556875

Episode 38: 6 Essentials to Maintaining Momentum in Relational Recovery 02/24/2025

Episode 38: 6 Essentials to Maintaining Momentum in Relational Recovery Today on the podcast, we discuss and define relational recovery while also addressing how to stay motivated as an unfaithful and how can you keep the momentum going for both the short term and long term. The fact is, it takes grit and perseverance to do relational recovery work. From moodiness to frustration, to confusion and despair, relational recovery is not for the faint of heart. You may be asking, "Does an unfaithful actually need a reminder on why to stay motivated? Don't they know what's at stake?" Yes, unfaithful need both reminders and guideposts on what they are actually working towards. With any journey, exhaustion is a thing. Frustration can also creep in, and if we unfaithful don't have a few necessary ingredients, we run the risk of losing our way and giving up. There are several challenges to this type of relational recovery that require an open dialogue if they are going to be diffused and overcome. But how do you know what to look for? What are signs of fatigue, disinterest or relapse in recovery work? How do you keep the momentum going and how do you avoid burnout both as an unfaithful and as a betrayed? Today is a great reminder of what we're fighting for and how we can actually fight. Not with each other, but fight burnout, disillusionment and despair. Learning how to fight is vital if the unfaithful is going to continue to press forward, keeping their eyes on the road ahead, while also being compassionate for the wake of consequences they face daily. The enemy is certainly not the betrayed, despite how many reminders, triggers and intrusive thoughts may arise in the heart and mind of the betrayed. The enemy is avoidance, exhaustion and ignorance. Today we do all we can to help combat these forces while also providing hope for those trying to save both their own lives and their relationships. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/35399385

Episode 37: Why Is the Unfaithful So Hot and Cold? Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic 02/11/2025

Episode 37: Why Is the Unfaithful So Hot and Cold? Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful seem so hot and cold? One minute they're pursuing the betrayed, showing signs they are 'all in.' The next minute, they seem aloof and selfish, if not downright resistant and cantankerous that anyone would ask anything of them. It's as if they protest and complain about having to do any work at all, only to appear to possibly 'get it' the next day, week or month. Traci Pedersen calls this activity “A repetitive/cyclic push-pull dynamic in a relationship that is characterized by alternating patterns of drawing a partner close (pulling), leading to emotional turbulence and instability.” The back and forth can can leave the betrayed feeling unsure and uncared for, not to mention rejected and even retraumatized. But why do we do it? What's going on in side of us? What leads us to react this way to 'our person' when it appears so confusing and belittling? After all, we've made choices that have devastated you the betrayed, why would we ever be half in, or back and forth or ambivalent? The truth is we unfaithful are lost in a sea of confusion, disconnected from empathy and compassion. We slide into the push-pull dynamic out of Insecurity about our capability to be intimate and vulnerable. We also typically live and function in an anxious or avoidant attachment (aka pre-occupied or fearful-avoidant) styles. We struggle to have any form of healthy self-empowerment and continue to regress, harming everyone in our path, causing everyone close to us to feel confused and uncertain. Today we'll help both the unfaithful and betrayed understand why this dynamic exists and how to not only overcome it, but eradicate it from both the unfaithful and the betrayed's lives and recoveries. There is hope for both parties to not only understand this dynamic but overcome it. As always, if we can help in any way please reach out to us at [email protected]. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/35236675

Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed 01/23/2025

Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed How do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves? Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human wrecking balls, using and destroying everyone in our path." The very instance of betrayal can leave the betrayed feeling they were never really loved and were just used to fuel the unfaithful's narcissism. From emotional detachment to distancing and isolation to manipulation and coercion, is it any wonder the betrayed partner struggles to believe they were or are still wanted by the unfaithful? When our words and actions don't match and we refuse to follow through on promises or even the slightest of commitments, we leave our betrayed partner feeling not only confused but hopeless for long term change and healing. When the overall tone of an unfaithful is an apparent unwillingness to be loving, empathetic or sacrificial, what is the betrayed left to believe? In today's episode, we'll discuss both subtle and not so subtle behaviors as well as outline a list of red flags to look for which describe the heart and mindset of the unfaithful. We know that not all unfaithfuls are the same and not all unfaithfuls are using their partners or spouses. However, as you listen and process through today's information, use it as once again a litmus test to determine your mental and emotional health as an unfaithful partner. Use it as a yardstick to see where your sincerity and commitment to restoration measure up. You just might be surprised at where you land? We wish the best for each of you in your own recovery and desperately hope for your relationship's healing. Not all marriages or relationships can be saved, but every person committed to personal restoration has a chance. A chance to break free of old patters and find new purpose, meaning and hope. Remember, time does not heal all wounds...it's what you do with the time that matters... ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/34964820

ATU Shorts SE4: James' Journey: A Message of Hope 01/23/2025

Episode 35: 4 Reasons the Unfaithful Avoid Hard Conversations 01/09/2025

Episode 35: 4 Reasons the Unfaithful Avoid Hard Conversations Why do we unfaithful seem so committed to avoiding hard conversations, especially those about our infidelity or addiction? Why does it feel to the betrayed, that we just can't seem to discuss anything emotionally difficult or anything that presents us in a negative, less than perfect light? The truth is, you betrayed are right, we do avoid hard conversations and are massively apprehensive to discuss our infidelity. But why do we do it? What's going on behind the scenes? This toxic avoidance of ours causes many problems for the betrayed parters, often times leaving them feeling undermined and worried that we are returning to our old self-centered selves, with no real desire to heal or change. It also comes off as us wanting to avoid our partners like they’re the plague and says we don’t care enough to hold their pain and don’t want to help them heal, leaving them feeling desperately alone, wounded and uncared for. We say we want to heal and want the relationship, but the betrayed feels lost in a sea of mixed signals from us. These conflicting messages continue to leave our partner feeling wickedly off balance, underminded and just plain confused. In order to help the betrayed feel safe, we must learn to focus on what we do and not just what we say as these mixed messages continue to retraumatize the betrayed. Our acting close yet pulling away creates an emotional rollercoaster amongst an already emotional firestorm set ablaze by your private, double lives. As we discuss these reasons and signs today, we hope the you both, unfaithful and betrayed feel not only seen, but identified and validated in both your pain and confusion. As we say time and time again, there is a better way and there is hope for your situation. If you're reading this and if you have breath in your lungs, it's not too late for you and your own healing. We don't know about your relationship but we do know about you and your own purpose, healing and future. Don't give up on you and don't give up on your own process. If you don't yet have a process, contact us at [email protected] and we'll help you find and develop a process specific to you and your story. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/34789500

Episode 34: Finding Healing During Holidays & Anniversaries 12/19/2024

Episode 34: Finding Healing During Holidays & Anniversaries For the couple endeavoring to heal from infidelity or addiction, the holidays can be not only confusing, but disorienting and highly triggering. From reminders to intrusive thoughts, to confusion over what once was to questions about what was real or what was fake, it can be a gruesome time that couples learn to dread. However, with an expert driven plan and strategy, even couples new to the recovery process can gain ground and develop momentum during the holidays or painful anniversary dates. Instead of winging it, both spouses can utilize a strategy that provides a framework of compassion and empathy for what both parties may be facing during an unsettling time. While both parties face unique nuances, the truth is, they need each other if they are going to make it through the holiday season or process through anniversary dates. While it may seem impossible to believe, the holiday season doesn't have to be paralyzing and you don't have to just 'suffer through the holidays.' Today you'll find a concrete, step by step plan for both parties to find peace, healing and actual tools to apply to both situations and events. We highly encourage you to take notes and apply these expert driven principles from survivors of infidelity and betrayal. Remember, you're not alone and you're not without hope and you're not without a proven plan that has helped hundreds of couples make it through what seems like an insurmountable time. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/34522315

Episode 33: 5 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in the Unfaithful 12/06/2024

Episode 33: 5 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in the Unfaithful Is your spouse or partner emotionally immature? What qualifies as emotional immaturity in the life of the unfaithful and isn't an affair a significant marker of emotional immaturity? Today we'll share and break down the understanding that emotional immaturity is the tendency to express – or even bury emotions without restraint. Emotional immaturity can also be excessive emotions for situations that can be severely out of control or needlessly amplified for the situation. This kind of emotional reactivity can destroy trust, respect and connection which undermines the entire goal of restoration and reconciliation. While the desire to heal may be communicated, shouted or vehemently expressed by the unfaithful, without a commitment to work through emotional immaturity, all efforts at healing will prove null and void Today we venture out into the waters of what constitutes emotional immaturity and how to address it in either your own life or your partner's life. We can both attest to the fact that emotional immaturity is almost always a precursor to infidelity and/or addiction and absolutely has to be healed and addressed if any unfaithful hopes of living a sober or at the very least, healthy life. The betrayed partner hopes and dreams of an unfaithful partner who although emotionally immature at the time of the affair(s), ultimately decides of their own will to do the work required to mature, heal and repair when possible. The betrayed also yearns for an unfaithful, male or female, that decides to take ownership not only of the affair or the addiction, but the massive amounts of collateral damage caused by their emotional immaturity. In today's hard hitting episode you'll hear not only the 5 signs of emotional immaturity, but also practical solutions that can be implemented to bring about healing, maturity and repair. If you're an unfaithful, take today's podcast as a lifeline to the next step of your healing. If you're floundering, today may be a new compass of which to rely on for clarity, growth and new life for you and your relationship. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/34312190

Episode 32: When Is It Time for a Therapeutic Separation? 11/20/2024

Episode 32: When Is It Time for a Therapeutic Separation? Have you ever gone through a 'therapeutic separation?' Looking back, do you think you needed one after discovery? Maybe you're contemplating one now for you and your spouse or partner? The reality is, a therapeutic separation doesn't have to be just a mere prelude to a divorce. If done right, it just may save your marriage, preserve your family and pave the way to healthier communication, redeemed intimacy and even restored trust. When it comes to separations, many are forced to just 'wing it' and do whatever they think will get the job done. The problem lies in what is the job they think a separation will do? What is the desired outcome and how do you achieve that outcome? Should it be an 'in-house' separation or should it be in separate residences? How can you tell? What are the deciding variables to consider? Today we'll discuss not only these variables and metrics that deserve discussion and evaluation, but lay out a plan for any couple in crisis or gridlock who are looking for a guide to a therapeutic separation. We'll discuss how to decide if a separation is right for you, goals of the separation, the need for a mission statement and what not to do in this difficult situation. Rest assured, you don't have to wing it. You don't have to try and reinvent the wheel and go blindly into this minefield that may actually make things worse if done hastily. There is indeed hope for any couple trying to heal from infidelity or addiction and a therapeutic separation may be the hinge on which the marriage eventually turns. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/34055256

ATU Shorts SE3: Terminal Uniqueness - The Value of Surrender 11/19/2024

Episode 31: Breaking the Reaction Cycle of the Unfaithful 11/09/2024

Episode 31: Breaking the Reaction Cycle of the Unfaithful In healing from infidelity, the unfaithful can often times be hostile and reactive early on in the healing process. So much so, we can fall prey to what we've identified as 'The Reaction Cycle of the Unfaithful.' From guilt and shame to anger and resentment to defensiveness and rage, we can resort to these emotions and more as we push our partners and spouses away, further wounding and even sabotaging the entire process. It's at this point that the betrayed will think to themselves, "But, they were the ones that went outside the marriage.....why are they being so reactive? Shouldn't WE be the ones who are allowed to be reactive?" But why are we so reactive? Is it childhood? Is it just shame? Is it guilt turned inward? Today on Ask the Unfaithful, we look deep into the heart and mind of the unfaithful in an attempt to understand why we can be so reactive and unsafe in our own recovery journey. We identify signs of the reaction cycle, how the cycle may have started and how to eventually break free and find a new, healing pathway of humility and ownership. Just because we've fallen prey to this cycle, doesn't mean we're doomed to repeat it for the entirety of relationship or marriage. However, without an intervention and new way of thinking and addressing the cycle, we're going to stay stuck, alienating our partners, spouses and even ourselves. Today's podcast not only identifies the cycle but provides a framework for breaking free of it's power, creating emotional resilience and identifying the underlying emotions that started the cycle in the first place. For more help including coaching or information about working with James or Sam as well as attending an intensive please email us at ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33861347

ATU Shorts SE2: How to Feel & Deal with Your Feelings 11/02/2024

Episode 30: 3 Warning Signs the Unfaithful Isn't Committed to the Betrayed 10/24/2024

Episode 29: Communication Style the Betrayed Need from the Unfaithful 10/17/2024

Episode 29: Communication Style the Betrayed Need from the Unfaithful Previously on Ask the Unfaithful, we discussed four harmful and toxic communication styles of the unfaithful. If you haven't watched or listened to last week's podcast on those particularly wounding communication styles, we'd like to highly encourage you to listen to that podcast asap. Whether a precursor or follow up to today's session, we're confident you and your partner will be able to find not only a better way of communicating after listening, but greater intimacy and respect overall for each other as human beings and as partners going through the recovery process. Today we'll be sharing the #1 style of communication the betrayed need from the unfaithful, as well as what it sounds like, looks like and even feels like for the betrayed. Have you ever wondered what expert level communication looks like and sounds like from an unfaithful? Have you ever wanted a playbook to utilize when communicating with your betrayed partner? After hearing today's podcast we're confident you'll have a plan and playbook you can use on a daily basis, even during the toughest of times. As most of us know by now, great communication is an artform and it's learned through gritty practice, failure, misunderstanding, eventual success and an ever changing cycle of needs and wants from both our partners and ourselves. Today's discussion can serve as a litmus test for every unfaithful partner wanting to develop a communication style rooted in compassion, respect and kindness while also taking into account the needs of a betrayed partner wrestling with betrayal trauma. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33507062

Episode 28: 4 Harmful Communication Styles of the Unfaithful 10/11/2024

Episode 28: 4 Harmful Communication Styles of the Unfaithful If we unfaithful are honest with ourselves, we'll have to admit that we can not only be harmful in our communication styles but also selfish, egotistical and irrational at times. From narcissistic tendencies to blame shifting and deflecting, to shaming and yelling, we just miss the mark time and time again. We often times think we're not being that harmful and we're just communicating but a deeper dive reveals that we're actually making things worse not better, reverting to problematic communication styles we've learned from childhood or early adulthood. What may feel normal or familiar to us is possibly devastating and wounding, fueled by ignorance and ego, reinforcing to our partner or spouse that we are indeed, not safe. For the unfaithful and betrayed alike, there can be confusion as to what is harmful and what is simply explanation, communication and emoting. Whether you're an unfaithful or a betrayed, today's podcast will go to great lengths to shed light on four harmful styles that we unfaithful use that are both harmful and problematic to both their partner and perhaps even their children and family members. If you're using one or all of these styles, make no mistake about it, you're harming your partner and actually harming yourself. When we act out or when we regress, we harm ourselves and remain stuck in patterns that quite possible, may have created the infidelity and addiction in the first place. It doesn't have to be this way. There is a better way to communicate and we as unfaithful don't have to revert to these styles of communication which only delay the entire healing process and erode any efforts to rebuild trust. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33413267

Episode 27: What Are the Two Most Overlooked Keys to Recovery? 10/04/2024

Episode 26: 5 Signs of Emotional Intelligence 09/25/2024

Episode 26: 5 Signs of Emotional Intelligence How emotionally intelligent are you? What about your partner or spouse, how emotionally intelligent are they? What even is emotional intelligence and why do we need it and how does it help us? Before we can assess either ourselves or our partner, we must have a reference point for what emotional intelligence is, what it looks like and even what it sounds like. A safe and usable definition is 'the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and to understand, and be compassionate about the emotions of people around you.' Easier said than done we know but it is possible to increase our emotional intelligence and develop the ability to respond to our partner in a more loving, empathetic and attuned way. In fact, if we're going to heal from infidelity or addiction and we're an unfaithful, we absolutely must increase our emotional intelligence. Today we discuss 5 signs of this emotional intelligence while also providing blueprint for increasing, developing and even practicing our emotional intelligence as it relates to both ourselves and the betrayed partner and the overall recovery process. We're confident that if implemented with intentionality, diligence and compassion, your ability to be not only emotionally intelligent with your partner or spouse will improve but so will the your ability with your loved ones. We invite you to listen carefully today with a heart and mind of self-reflection and humility, paying close attention to the insight and guidance we provide for improving your emotional intelligence as you heal from infidelity. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33199472

Episode 25: 6 Signs of an Emotional Affair 09/25/2024

Episode 25: 6 Signs of an Emotional Affair "Was it actually an emotional affair?" "Was I really sharing too much with them?" "I didn't know I was crossing lines with them, how was I supposed to know....maybe you're just overreacting?" These statements and more continue to permeate session after session with therapists, infidelity coaches and even clergy members trying to help couples decide if the actions of an unfaithful was emotional infidelity or not. For some the jury is out and for others, the lines are crystal clear, black and white and undebatable. These definitions of emotional affairs vary among clinicians and 'helpers' but today on Ask the Unfaithful we do our best to point a way through the malaise of confusion, justification and despair. We'll be discussing 6 different signs you are either in an emotional affair, were in an emotional affair or concerningly, may be heading towards one now. We know most of our audience members have already been through the devastation of infidelity and/or addiction and if you've found us, you've probably already experienced this life altering trauma. But today, with our heartfelt compassion and respect, we'll provide critical insight into both what constitutes an emotional affair, what can be seen as unsafe behavior by an unfaithful and how to stop it before it escalates even more. If you're involved in a friendship that may not actually be crossing lines yet is your partner's radar, today's podcast sheds light on how to ascertain whether or not you or your partner are in emotional or relational danger and how to rescue yourself. As always, you can reach us at [email protected] or by leaving a comment here at Ask the Unfaithful. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33199467

Episode 24: What are 4 Damaging Ways the Unfaithful Seek Attention? 09/25/2024

Episode 23: What are 5 Smokescreens the Unfaithful Use to Deflect? 09/25/2024

Episode 23: What are 5 Smokescreens the Unfaithful Use to Deflect? Have you ever considered the possibility that we, the unfaithful, massively deflect? If you're a betrayed partner, we're quite positive you've seen us utilize a smokescreen time and time again. You may have even laughed or rolled your eyes at the mere question. It's as though we launch smokescreens to deflect, diminish and even disrupt the conversation to alleviate any guilt or responsibility on our part. We also utilize smokescreens in an effort to manipulate and turn attention away from our actions and on to the things you, the betrayed, may have done in our opinion as unfaithful to justify our actions. Yes, we can be that unhealthy and that unsafe. If you're an unfaithful, we hope today's podcast shares critical insight into what you may be subconsciously doing to deflect attention away from you and your own choices and place responsibility on your betrayed partner. We've both done it and we get it. We'd never resort to shaming you for something we've both done time and time again in the early stages of our own journey. However, it doesn't have to be this way. Your betrayed partner does not need to suffer anymore damage than they already have and you don't need to cause yourself anymore harm than you already have by acting out, lashing out and placing the blame on your partner for your choices. We have a choice on whether or not we utilize smokescreens or choose to be vulnerable, open and honest about our feelings, choices and actions. We hope you'll make a better choice today to end your smokescreens and get radically honest with yourself and your partner. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33199407

Episode 22: What are the 5 Stages of Change for The Unfaithful? 09/25/2024

Episode 22: What are the 5 Stages of Change for The Unfaithful? Did you know there are actual stages of change we as human beings go through before we arrive at true change? Did you also know there are stages we unfaithful partners go through both before, during and after our affair or problematic sexual behaviors? As both an unfaithful and a betrayed, it's imperative we have a knowledge of and understand these stages of change if either we or our partner are going to change and set ourselves free from addictions or behaviors that are reducing our lives to heaps of regret, shame and upheaval. Maybe like we were at one time, you too are struggling to understand how to find freedom, healing or breakthrough? Maybe you've tried to change, only to arrive at frustration, anger and even more self doubt? Or perhaps like us, you tried to change, found some momentum then seemingly out of nowhere, you lost that momentum and all you worked for came crashing down around you? Alternatively, maybe you were finding yourself wanting to let your guard down at your partner's apparent growth, only to find that shortly after their newfound momentum, they relapsed. After our own hard fought battles, the last people to shame any unfaithful partner would be us. However, the truth is, there is a better way and there is a proven way to change ourselves and yes, there is a way to set ourselves free from what feels like massive humiliation and hopelessness. We don't have to live in constant up's and down's, constant promises to change only to never truly gain momentum. Today you'll hear a breakdown of five stages of change for the unfaithful partner in an attempt to help both sides of infidelity or addiction find a playbook to utilize for healing and long term transformation. ------ Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com Contact us: [email protected] Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingp... Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157 Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery /episode/index/show/8e1106a8-3530-4552-a732-0917d7a3602f/id/33199387

Episode 21: 5 Communication Mistakes the Unfaithful Make 09/25/2024

Episode 20: 10 Reasons Why the Unfaithful Self Sabotage 09/25/2024

Episode 19: What are the Signs of Denial in the Life of the Unfaithful? 09/25/2024

Episode 18: What are the Consequences of Betrayal for the Unfaithful? 09/25/2024

Episode 17: What is Parental Enmeshment and How Does it Affect Affair Recovery? 09/25/2024

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