Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed
Release Date: 01/23/2025
Episode 57: What are No Lose Decisions In Infidelity Recovery?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this provocative and practical episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down one of the most transformative concepts in affair recovery: No-Lose Decisions — the courageous choices that move you forward no matter the issue or the outcome. Most unfaithful partners feel trapped by shame, fear of failure, and all-or-nothing thinking. But today’s conversation shows why growth is always possible when you choose honesty, courage, transparency, and connection… even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s new, and even when it doesn’t go perfectly. Through real examples,...
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Episode 56: HEALING FROM SECRET INTRIGUE
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam take an unflinching look at how to heal one of the most deceptive forces blocking recovery after infidelity — secret intrigue. What begins as seemingly curiosity or emotional “buzz” moments can quietly evolve into a pattern that sabotages integrity, intimacy, and repair. Whether you’re five days or five years into recovery, intrigue can remain a threat to your healing — and this episode breaks down how to recognize it, stop it, and build the emotional and relational resilience that real recovery requires. 🎧 What...
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Episode 55: INTRIGUE: The Silent Saboteur of Healing and Connection After Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn’t what you think it is? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpack how "intrigue" quietly destroys connection, fuels secrecy, and sabotages healing long before an affair - or any kind of sexual or emotionally intimate acting out - ever begins. You’ll learn how seemingly insignificant, subtle thoughts and behaviors can become powerful dopamine loops that reinforce shame, self-betrayal, and emotional disconnection. This honest conversation exposes how intrigue starts, why it feels so intoxicating, and...
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Episode 54: What Are The Consequences of People Pleasing For the Unfaithful?
Ask the Unfaithful
“Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters.” In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James and Sam reveal how people pleasing critically affects the Unfaithful and the steps to stopping it and living a new life where energy is focused on relationship repair and growth. 👉 If you’re an unfaithful partner, this conversation will help you see how people pleasing isn’t harmless. It drains your energy, blurs your identity, disrupts recovery and arrests trust rebuilding by de-prioritizing your betrayed partner. You’ll discover: ✅...
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ATU Shorts SE5: Helping the Unfaithful Move From "Not It!" to "Got it!"
Ask the Unfaithful
On today's episode of “Moving from Not It to Got It,” Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the “Not It” phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity. The reality is, “Not It” causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to: blocking all...
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Episode 53: 10 Ways the Unfaithful's Distorted Thinking Destroys Hope
Ask the Unfaithful
Stinking Thinking is more than just negative self-talk—it’s the distorted, automatic thought patterns that block empathy, sabotage trust, and keep both the unfaithful and the betrayed partner stuck in cycles of pain. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how “stinking thinking” shows up after infidelity: • The 5 categories of distorted thoughts • How these toxic beliefs re-traumatize the betrayed partner • The devastating psychological effects on the unfaithful • Why distorted thinking erodes the relationship and prevents repair • Practical tools to...
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Episode 52: Entitlement in the Unfaithful: From Demanding to Devotion
Ask the Unfaithful
Entitlement is the silent killer of recovery after infidelity. When an unfaithful partner comes from a position of entitlement, it poisons trust, sabotages healing, and deepens betrayal trauma. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how adult entitlement shows up in the unfaithful partner, why it destroys safety and trust, and what it takes to break free from it. 👉 For betrayed partners: You’ll hear why entitlement makes you feel invisible, invalidated, and unsafe—and why your pain is real and justified. 👉 For unfaithful partners: You’ll learn how entitlement fuels...
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Episode 51: 4 Ways Shame and Avoidance Sabotage Healing from Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
Shame and avoidance are two of the most powerful forces keeping unfaithful partners stuck after betrayal. In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we uncover how these patterns silently sabotage healing—for both you and your relationship—and what you can do to change it. 🔍 In this episode, we cover: ✅ 4 ways shame and avoidance show up in recovery ✅ Why emotional honesty is essential for rebuilding trust ✅ The 5 core steps to building shame resilience ✅ How to use the R.E.A.L. Method to share emotions without harming your partner ✅ Common pitfalls that can derail recovery—and...
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Episode 50: The Arousal Template: Identifying Triggers and Blindspots
Ask the Unfaithful
In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James take a deep dive into one of the most misunderstood—and most important—concepts in infidelity recovery: the Arousal Template. Too often, betrayed partners and unfaithful partners alike are left wondering: Why did this happen? Why do I keep making destructive choices? Can these unhealthy patterns ever change? This episode delivers answers—by unpacking: ✅ What the Arousal Template actually is and why it’s so critical to understand ✅ How early life experiences shape your unconscious sexual and emotional triggers ✅ Why...
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Episode 49: Was the Unfaithful Really in Love with the Affair Partner?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences in the aftermath of infidelity: limerence. Often confused with love, limerence is an obsessive, fantasy-fueled state that can hijack recovery and prolong betrayal. If you’ve ever felt “addicted” to your affair partner or struggled to break free—even when you know the relationship is destructive—this episode is for you. Join Sam and James as they explore: • What limerence really is (and what it’s not) • How emotional and sexual affairs can become neurologically addictive...
info_outlineHow do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves?
Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human wrecking balls, using and destroying everyone in our path."
The very instance of betrayal can leave the betrayed feeling they were never really loved and were just used to fuel the unfaithful's narcissism. From emotional detachment to distancing and isolation to manipulation and coercion, is it any wonder the betrayed partner struggles to believe they were or are still wanted by the unfaithful?
When our words and actions don't match and we refuse to follow through on promises or even the slightest of commitments, we leave our betrayed partner feeling not only confused but hopeless for long term change and healing. When the overall tone of an unfaithful is an apparent unwillingness to be loving, empathetic or sacrificial, what is the betrayed left to believe?
In today's episode, we'll discuss both subtle and not so subtle behaviors as well as outline a list of red flags to look for which describe the heart and mindset of the unfaithful. We know that not all unfaithfuls are the same and not all unfaithfuls are using their partners or spouses. However, as you listen and process through today's information, use it as once again a litmus test to determine your mental and emotional health as an unfaithful partner. Use it as a yardstick to see where your sincerity and commitment to restoration measure up.
You just might be surprised at where you land?
We wish the best for each of you in your own recovery and desperately hope for your relationship's healing. Not all marriages or relationships can be saved, but every person committed to personal restoration has a chance. A chance to break free of old patters and find new purpose, meaning and hope.
Remember, time does not heal all wounds...it's what you do with the time that matters...
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