Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed
Release Date: 01/23/2025
Episode 61 - Rebuilding Trust: The Missing Key The Unfaithful MUST Know
Ask the Unfaithful
One of the most overlooked drivers of infidelity isn’t desire, entitlement, or opportunity — it’s broken self-trust. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam dive deep into lack of self-trust in the unfaithful partner and why it quietly shapes secrecy, defensiveness, avoidance, over-sharing, resentment, and relational instability long before betrayal ever occurs. This episode is not about excusing infidelity. It’s about explaining the internal dynamics that make betrayal more likely — and recovery harder — when the unfaithful partner cannot trust their own instincts,...
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Episode 60: Is The Unfaithful's Self Care Really Self Indulgence?
Ask the Unfaithful
Are you truly practicing self-compassion… or actually slipping into self-indulgence? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam break down one of the most misunderstood parts of infidelity recovery: the razor-thin line between healthy self-care and avoidant, self-protective behaviors that harm relational repair. We explore: ✔ The key differences between self-compassion and self-indulgence ✔ How shame loops derail accountability ✔ How “self-care language” is often used to avoid discomfort ✔ Why the betrayed instantly feels the difference ✔ The impact of emotional...
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S6: NEW BEGINNINGS - The Hidden Turning Point For the Unfaithful In Betrayal Recovery
Ask the Unfaithful
In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James speaks directly to those who have betrayed their partner and are ready to become someone different. He unpacks what real new beginnings require. You’ll learn what a new beginning is not, what it is, and how to build a life your partner could eventually trust again. This message is for: • Those standing at day one after discovery • Those who have relapsed and want to commit anew to their recovery and • Those in steady recovery wanting to take the next step: to recommit and level up their growth Because new beginnings aren’t declared....
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Episode 59: 7 WAYS THE UNFAITHFUL MISHANDLE THE BETRAYED'S DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
Ask the Unfaithful
In this dynamic episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James unpack disenfranchised grief—the deep, invisible grief the betrayed partner experiences after infidelity. This is grief with no rituals, no casseroles, no support, and no social permission to hurt. Instead, betrayed partners often suffer in silence while navigating shame, fear, shattered identity, and the loss of safety, trust, and future dreams. James and Sam break down why this grief is misunderstood, how it shows up in emotional waves, cognitive looping, hypervigilance, withdrawal, and overwhelming internal conflict, and detail...
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Episode 58: LIMERENCE: CAN THE DAMAGE EVER BE REPAIRED?
Ask the Unfaithful
Limerence is one of the most misunderstood - and devastating - experiences in infidelity recovery. In this episode, James and Sam break down what limerence actually is, how it distorts reality, why the unfaithful become trapped in its neurochemical illusion and, most importantly: whether the damage limerence causes can truly be repaired. Drawing from decades of professional experience and personal insight, they explore how limerence forms, how it rewrites the narrative of the primary relationship, the way it blindsides betrayed partners, and how couples can rebuild when fantasy has overtaken...
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Episode 57: What are No Lose Decisions In Infidelity Recovery?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this provocative and practical episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down one of the most transformative concepts in affair recovery: No-Lose Decisions — the courageous choices that move you forward no matter the issue or the outcome. Most unfaithful partners feel trapped by shame, fear of failure, and all-or-nothing thinking. But today’s conversation shows why growth is always possible when you choose honesty, courage, transparency, and connection… even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s new, and even when it doesn’t go perfectly. Through real examples,...
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Episode 56: HEALING FROM SECRET INTRIGUE
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam take an unflinching look at how to heal one of the most deceptive forces blocking recovery after infidelity — secret intrigue. What begins as seemingly curiosity or emotional “buzz” moments can quietly evolve into a pattern that sabotages integrity, intimacy, and repair. Whether you’re five days or five years into recovery, intrigue can remain a threat to your healing — and this episode breaks down how to recognize it, stop it, and build the emotional and relational resilience that real recovery requires. 🎧 What...
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Episode 55: INTRIGUE: The Silent Saboteur of Healing and Connection After Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn’t what you think it is? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpack how "intrigue" quietly destroys connection, fuels secrecy, and sabotages healing long before an affair - or any kind of sexual or emotionally intimate acting out - ever begins. You’ll learn how seemingly insignificant, subtle thoughts and behaviors can become powerful dopamine loops that reinforce shame, self-betrayal, and emotional disconnection. This honest conversation exposes how intrigue starts, why it feels so intoxicating, and...
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Episode 54: What Are The Consequences of People Pleasing For the Unfaithful?
Ask the Unfaithful
“Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters.” In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James and Sam reveal how people pleasing critically affects the Unfaithful and the steps to stopping it and living a new life where energy is focused on relationship repair and growth. 👉 If you’re an unfaithful partner, this conversation will help you see how people pleasing isn’t harmless. It drains your energy, blurs your identity, disrupts recovery and arrests trust rebuilding by de-prioritizing your betrayed partner. You’ll discover: ✅...
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ATU Shorts SE5: Helping the Unfaithful Move From "Not It!" to "Got it!"
Ask the Unfaithful
On today's episode of “Moving from Not It to Got It,” Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the “Not It” phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity. The reality is, “Not It” causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to: blocking all...
info_outlineHow do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves?
Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human wrecking balls, using and destroying everyone in our path."
The very instance of betrayal can leave the betrayed feeling they were never really loved and were just used to fuel the unfaithful's narcissism. From emotional detachment to distancing and isolation to manipulation and coercion, is it any wonder the betrayed partner struggles to believe they were or are still wanted by the unfaithful?
When our words and actions don't match and we refuse to follow through on promises or even the slightest of commitments, we leave our betrayed partner feeling not only confused but hopeless for long term change and healing. When the overall tone of an unfaithful is an apparent unwillingness to be loving, empathetic or sacrificial, what is the betrayed left to believe?
In today's episode, we'll discuss both subtle and not so subtle behaviors as well as outline a list of red flags to look for which describe the heart and mindset of the unfaithful. We know that not all unfaithfuls are the same and not all unfaithfuls are using their partners or spouses. However, as you listen and process through today's information, use it as once again a litmus test to determine your mental and emotional health as an unfaithful partner. Use it as a yardstick to see where your sincerity and commitment to restoration measure up.
You just might be surprised at where you land?
We wish the best for each of you in your own recovery and desperately hope for your relationship's healing. Not all marriages or relationships can be saved, but every person committed to personal restoration has a chance. A chance to break free of old patters and find new purpose, meaning and hope.
Remember, time does not heal all wounds...it's what you do with the time that matters...
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