Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed
Release Date: 01/23/2025
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack five critical signs that the unfaithful partner has not yet reached authentic, pro-active remorse. Whether you’re the one who broke trust and are unsure how to go about truly changing, or you’ve been betrayed and are searching for clarity, this episode is is packed with insight, compassion, and clear markers of where real healing begins. Together, we’ll explore what correctable issues point to a need for the unfaithful to reach a true desire to change and genuine remorse. Most importantly, you will discover what true sorrow and...
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In Episode 47 of Ask the Unfaithful, we continue the conversation from last week’s powerful session on judgment—but this time, we’re unpacking a major roadblock to healing after infidelity: criticism. Whether it’s self-criticism, perceived criticism from your partner, or full-blown judgment, this cycle quietly poisons recovery. And unless you know how to name it, reality-check it, and interrupt it, you’ll keep getting stuck in the same emotional loop—withdrawal, pursuit, shutdown, repeat. This episode is raw, practical, and packed with actual scripts and mindset shifts for...
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Judgment is one of the most hidden—but most powerful—forces keeping recovery stuck. In this episode, we take a deep dive into malignant self-judgment—the toxic inner dialogue that convinces unfaithful partners they are irredeemable, unworthy of love, and incapable of change. We explore how internalized shame, perceived judgment, and self-condemnation erode emotional safety, block empathy, and shut down intimacy. More importantly, we offer tools to help you reframe, reconnect, and rebuild—starting with how you see yourself. In this episode: • The 4 kinds of judgment in recovery...
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Fear is part of being human—but when you’ve betrayed someone you love, fear can become a wall between you and the emotional honesty your partner needs to heal. In this powerful episode, we explore how emotional inhibition, shame, and fear-based expectations keep unfaithful partners stuck—and what it takes to break through. You’ll learn how to challenge fear, dissolve shame, and start showing up with truth, vulnerability, and presence. Healing doesn’t require perfection—it requires courage, responsibility, and a willingness to risk connection again. 🔑 In this episode: • What...
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People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation. In marriages or relationships, this can mean: Constantly putting family, friends, or co-workers first. Leaving the primary partner, aka the betrayed partner, feeling like an afterthought. Post infidelity, people-pleasing is not only difficult but toxic for the entire recovery process. It oftentimes feels like yet another betrayal to the betrayed partner. When an unfaithful partner prioritizes pleasing others outside the...
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People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation. In marriages or relationships, this can mean: o Constantly putting family, friends, or co-workers first. o Leaving the primary partner, aka the betrayed partner, feeling like an afterthought. Post infidelity, people pleasing is not only difficult but toxic for the entire recovery process. It often times feels like yet another betrayal to the betrayed partner. When an unfaithful partner prioritizes pleasing others outside...
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"Imagine building a fortress so strong that not even you can leave it." In our quest as unfaithful to protect ourselves from pain, rejection, or failure, we sometimes build walls so high that they don't just keep harm out—they keep life out, AND our betrayed partners. While self-protection is a natural and often necessary response to past hurt, excessive self-protection can quietly sabotage connection, growth, and authenticity. It can also further complicate the healing process a couple must go through to save their relationship or themselves. While some self protection is...
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Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something is wrong with us, or you the betrayed are unhappy with us, or we consider ourselves worthless. Additionally, we unfaithful are masters at making every conversation about us, our feelings, our disagreeing with your concerns or our need for validation. But sadly, we were the ones who went outside the marriage and if anyone has a right to take things personally, it's the betrayed. Today, we explore a variety of both intriguing but also complex...
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Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in general, often dismissing or disregarding any positive experiences or perspectives. It manifests as constant complaining, pessimism, and an inability or refusal to see the good in anything, including ourselves. This type of negativity can also include being excessively critical, judgmental, or even emotionally draining for those around the person displaying it, especially in the relationship attempting to heal from infidelity or addiction. Toxic...
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In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!" We just have such a hard time as unfaithful, making the connection between broken promises and sirens going off in the heart and mind of the betrayed. "Well, if you can't commit to something as small and easy as the...
info_outlineHow do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves?
Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human wrecking balls, using and destroying everyone in our path."
The very instance of betrayal can leave the betrayed feeling they were never really loved and were just used to fuel the unfaithful's narcissism. From emotional detachment to distancing and isolation to manipulation and coercion, is it any wonder the betrayed partner struggles to believe they were or are still wanted by the unfaithful?
When our words and actions don't match and we refuse to follow through on promises or even the slightest of commitments, we leave our betrayed partner feeling not only confused but hopeless for long term change and healing. When the overall tone of an unfaithful is an apparent unwillingness to be loving, empathetic or sacrificial, what is the betrayed left to believe?
In today's episode, we'll discuss both subtle and not so subtle behaviors as well as outline a list of red flags to look for which describe the heart and mindset of the unfaithful. We know that not all unfaithfuls are the same and not all unfaithfuls are using their partners or spouses. However, as you listen and process through today's information, use it as once again a litmus test to determine your mental and emotional health as an unfaithful partner. Use it as a yardstick to see where your sincerity and commitment to restoration measure up.
You just might be surprised at where you land?
We wish the best for each of you in your own recovery and desperately hope for your relationship's healing. Not all marriages or relationships can be saved, but every person committed to personal restoration has a chance. A chance to break free of old patters and find new purpose, meaning and hope.
Remember, time does not heal all wounds...it's what you do with the time that matters...
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