Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery
Release Date: 03/06/2025
S6: NEW BEGINNINGS - The Hidden Turning Point For the Unfaithful In Betrayal Recovery
Ask the Unfaithful
In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James speaks directly to those who have betrayed their partner and are ready to become someone different. He unpacks what real new beginnings require. You’ll learn what a new beginning is not, what it is, and how to build a life your partner could eventually trust again. This message is for: • Those standing at day one after discovery • Those who have relapsed and want to commit anew to their recovery and • Those in steady recovery wanting to take the next step: to recommit and level up their growth Because new beginnings aren’t declared....
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Episode 59: 7 WAYS THE UNFAITHFUL MISHANDLE THE BETRAYED'S DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
Ask the Unfaithful
In this dynamic episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James unpack disenfranchised grief—the deep, invisible grief the betrayed partner experiences after infidelity. This is grief with no rituals, no casseroles, no support, and no social permission to hurt. Instead, betrayed partners often suffer in silence while navigating shame, fear, shattered identity, and the loss of safety, trust, and future dreams. James and Sam break down why this grief is misunderstood, how it shows up in emotional waves, cognitive looping, hypervigilance, withdrawal, and overwhelming internal conflict, and detail...
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Episode 58: LIMERENCE: CAN THE DAMAGE EVER BE REPAIRED?
Ask the Unfaithful
Limerence is one of the most misunderstood - and devastating - experiences in infidelity recovery. In this episode, James and Sam break down what limerence actually is, how it distorts reality, why the unfaithful become trapped in its neurochemical illusion and, most importantly: whether the damage limerence causes can truly be repaired. Drawing from decades of professional experience and personal insight, they explore how limerence forms, how it rewrites the narrative of the primary relationship, the way it blindsides betrayed partners, and how couples can rebuild when fantasy has overtaken...
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Episode 57: What are No Lose Decisions In Infidelity Recovery?
Ask the Unfaithful
In this provocative and practical episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James break down one of the most transformative concepts in affair recovery: No-Lose Decisions — the courageous choices that move you forward no matter the issue or the outcome. Most unfaithful partners feel trapped by shame, fear of failure, and all-or-nothing thinking. But today’s conversation shows why growth is always possible when you choose honesty, courage, transparency, and connection… even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s new, and even when it doesn’t go perfectly. Through real examples,...
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Episode 56: HEALING FROM SECRET INTRIGUE
Ask the Unfaithful
In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam take an unflinching look at how to heal one of the most deceptive forces blocking recovery after infidelity — secret intrigue. What begins as seemingly curiosity or emotional “buzz” moments can quietly evolve into a pattern that sabotages integrity, intimacy, and repair. Whether you’re five days or five years into recovery, intrigue can remain a threat to your healing — and this episode breaks down how to recognize it, stop it, and build the emotional and relational resilience that real recovery requires. 🎧 What...
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Episode 55: INTRIGUE: The Silent Saboteur of Healing and Connection After Infidelity
Ask the Unfaithful
What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn’t what you think it is? In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpack how "intrigue" quietly destroys connection, fuels secrecy, and sabotages healing long before an affair - or any kind of sexual or emotionally intimate acting out - ever begins. You’ll learn how seemingly insignificant, subtle thoughts and behaviors can become powerful dopamine loops that reinforce shame, self-betrayal, and emotional disconnection. This honest conversation exposes how intrigue starts, why it feels so intoxicating, and...
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Episode 54: What Are The Consequences of People Pleasing For the Unfaithful?
Ask the Unfaithful
“Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters.” In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James and Sam reveal how people pleasing critically affects the Unfaithful and the steps to stopping it and living a new life where energy is focused on relationship repair and growth. 👉 If you’re an unfaithful partner, this conversation will help you see how people pleasing isn’t harmless. It drains your energy, blurs your identity, disrupts recovery and arrests trust rebuilding by de-prioritizing your betrayed partner. You’ll discover: ✅...
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ATU Shorts SE5: Helping the Unfaithful Move From "Not It!" to "Got it!"
Ask the Unfaithful
On today's episode of “Moving from Not It to Got It,” Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the “Not It” phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity. The reality is, “Not It” causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to: blocking all...
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Episode 53: 10 Ways the Unfaithful's Distorted Thinking Destroys Hope
Ask the Unfaithful
Stinking Thinking is more than just negative self-talk—it’s the distorted, automatic thought patterns that block empathy, sabotage trust, and keep both the unfaithful and the betrayed partner stuck in cycles of pain. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how “stinking thinking” shows up after infidelity: • The 5 categories of distorted thoughts • How these toxic beliefs re-traumatize the betrayed partner • The devastating psychological effects on the unfaithful • Why distorted thinking erodes the relationship and prevents repair • Practical tools to...
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Episode 52: Entitlement in the Unfaithful: From Demanding to Devotion
Ask the Unfaithful
Entitlement is the silent killer of recovery after infidelity. When an unfaithful partner comes from a position of entitlement, it poisons trust, sabotages healing, and deepens betrayal trauma. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how adult entitlement shows up in the unfaithful partner, why it destroys safety and trust, and what it takes to break free from it. 👉 For betrayed partners: You’ll hear why entitlement makes you feel invisible, invalidated, and unsafe—and why your pain is real and justified. 👉 For unfaithful partners: You’ll learn how entitlement fuels...
info_outlineIn the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!"
We just have such a hard time as unfaithful, making the connection between broken promises and sirens going off in the heart and mind of the betrayed.
"Well, if you can't commit to something as small and easy as the aforementioned items, how can I know you'll stay committed to the bigger things like saying no to temptation and refraining from flirting or acting out again?" answers the betrayed.
"If you can't take seriously the small things, how do I know you'll take seriously the larger, bigger items like therapy, relapse prevention and lifelong sobriety?" says the betrayed.
And....quite honestly, they are right in their concerns. But why you may ask? Today we'll share just why it's vital to be a man or woman of keeping your word.
Unfaithful, take it from both of us, if you want your betrayed to eventually trust you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually respect you again, keep your word. If you want your betrayed to eventually start to soften and find more compassion for you, keep your word.
Yes, even in the smallest of items.
Keeping your word displays character.
Keeping your word displays integrity.
Keeping your word displays a heartfelt commitment to sobriety.
Keeping your word shows a commitment to building a safe life for ourselves and for our partner.
We the unfaithful don't always see it this way, but respectively, we're not the ones with betrayal trauma.
We hope today is a palatable lesson on how to slowly but surely win back the heart, respect and even trust of the betrayed.
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