Bonus: Biblical Mini-Golf
Apocrypals
For the first time in ten years, Theophiloi -- and the first time ever during the lifespan of this very podcast -- Chris and Benito are in the same place, actually hanging out with each other! What better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than by playing three full courses of Bible themed mini-golf? Join us as we recount our experience at Lexington, Kentucky's own Fairway to Heaven and pitch our own ideas for hagiographic Putt-Putt. Plus we spend like ten minutes trying to figure out if they have mini-golf in Malta. I didn't edit a second of this.
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117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)
Apocrypals
Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him! Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End...
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116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)
Apocrypals
O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange,...
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115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)
Apocrypals
CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth...
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114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)
Apocrypals
If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early...
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113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
Apocrypals
Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism! Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount...
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112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country
Apocrypals
Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus:...
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111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)
Apocrypals
Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised, we're back with an in-depth look at 1 Chronicles, and while that may be the most boring part of the entire thing, we're doing our best to make it interesting. Or possibly to tear it down and debunk it, depending on who you ask. Topics of discussion: Benito's academic qualifications, a review from Chris's mom, a dubious number of Eisner awards, true facts about Benito's secret catholic...
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Multipals 06: Dr. Justin Sledge
Apocrypals
It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.) Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New...
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Multipals 05: Dr. Alexiana Fry
Apocrypals
You know, theophiloi, the topic of trauma in Bible might not seem like something that would lead most people to an extensive discussion of James "Logan" "Wolverine" "Patch" "Lucky Jim" Howlett, but, well, you know how we are. In this special installment of our Multipals series, we're joined by Dr. Alexiana Fry for a delightful discussion that is wide-ranging even by our standards. Join us as we travel from Copenhagen (or "C'pnhawghw," apparently), to the Princess Bar in Madripoor and all points between with the author of Trauma Talks in the Hebrew Bible! Topics of Discussion: The Patch Eras...
info_outlineYou may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in this one and we’re going back to our favorite metaphorical bar.
Topics of Discussion: The New Neo-Normal, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers, BrotherMania, Benito's shocking and world-shattering opinion of "Unchained Melody," an innocuous phrase that I do not enjoy saying, Nazarites, a truly sick burn on ol' Howie Lovecraft, Dagon's door rules, the secret 11th Plague, sub-par goldsmithing, an indeterminate number of melted faces, Castlevania II, Doeg the Edomite, a technique for identifying men that shows that quite frankly they have always been terrible, Carl Dean, To Da Dome, Goliath Facts, the Secret Chord Moratorium.
Hymnal: "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers
Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.