Apocrypals
A podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible but try not to be jerks about it. Join comics writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they journey through the Good Book from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.
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117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)
02/18/2025
117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)
Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him! Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End Dan McClellan, the statistics of death by cow, John Wick: Ad Bestias, the impact of the Babylonian exile on the development of the Torah, Solomonsplaining, the common currency/new ages of comics, a whole lot of Hog Talk, Rob Liefeld's The Covenant, Azazel (NOT Nightcrawler's dad), Zera the Cushite's alleged army, avoidance of seeking the Baals, incurable nasty butt disesase, the hands-on God of P, the Neko King, Chris just fully giving up, an eight year-old with Biblically bad vibes. Hymnal: An instrumental track whose name escapes me for some reason, "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)
12/22/2024
116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)
O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange, featuring, with no exaggeration, the perfect present. Topics of discussion: Benito gets existentially Terminator'd, Every Yule Lad Ever, Dracula Christmas, a desperate plea for those sweet sweet advertising dollars, Dr. Curt Connors (the Lizard) vis-a-vis the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, The Pinnacle of 70s Face, Orthodox April, Biblically rancid vibes, the Firstborn Opener of the Secret Womb, Deku, presents. Hymnal: "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Bad Religion, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)
10/27/2024
115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)
CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth wildest part of this entire story. Topics of Discussion: a very professional false start, the John Wick of Cows, goblin solidarity, Chris's dubious namesake, hell-adjacent areas, Arrakis (desert planet), the Morph Ball, Heinz MayoChup™, disrespecting Stolas, the Morrison run, taberna festivulorum, foot stuff. Hymnal: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Celine Dion, "Christina the Astonishing" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)
10/03/2024
114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)
If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings by Tom de Bruin, disrespecting St. Thecla, the relative ease of being murdered by lions, things to say when you see cows, the theological benefits of crossword puzzles, proof once again that the Laadder Match is a Christian specialty, dinocracy, Hilarianus, the Techno-Organic Virus, the Sanavivarian Gate, Heaven and the Salt & Pepper Diner, the efficiency of the German language, a long-awaited return trip to the bar. Hymnal: "22 (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift, "The Winner Takes it All " by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
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113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
09/05/2024
113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism! Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount of poetry, an opinion on narrative that I simply do not understand???, Merimath the Stone of Deceit, gods of metal, idolators: cool and chill?, graven images of Super Saiyan Goku, the Ultimate Power, the Biz, Namor the Sub-Mariner, big Jernathan energy, Maharba, the Author of All Lies, the Angel Factory, the (eternal and unceasing) song of the summer, "feet," wings in low places, an off-model but suspiciously familiar serpent. Hymnal: "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" by Elton John, "Dancing Queen" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
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112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country
08/17/2024
112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country
Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus: presents! Topics of Discussion: The gifts of a hatsman, Benito Says: I Love Book, Tobit Detours by Elisabeth Mehl Greene, a quick aside about that book by that guy, Lethal Larry Hama, manualism, Fast Lane, a fair fact-checking of Relevant Magazine, two comic book icons, jazz cigarettes, a mention of the curséd Twitty Bird, panty raids: why?, the Siege Perilous, Death Wish 3, Drugs Plus, Moon Knight Style!, the Lizard (Curt Connors) and what he did, a rare instance of Benito fully breaking, the Darkhold, "the Apparatus," that one M&Ms ad from the '80s, Darkchylde and Aphrodite IX, Crystals: Threat or Menace? Hymnal: "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd, "O Holy Night" by Handmaster Herdling (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQOXqvusZfhZSdcVqX4_x6g) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)
08/09/2024
111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)
Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised, we're back with an in-depth look at 1 Chronicles, and while that may be the most boring part of the entire thing, we're doing our best to make it interesting. Or possibly to tear it down and debunk it, depending on who you ask. Topics of discussion: Benito's academic qualifications, a review from Chris's mom, a dubious number of Eisner awards, true facts about Benito's secret catholic Bible college seminary past, a bad baby name, These Uncircumcised Men, Jasho Beam!, All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Gadites, a rare instance of the Apocrypals working blue, the interesting peculiarities of God manifesting physically in the mortal world, a special chair that Chris doesn't know about, Joyeuse, a downgrade from Wack to Weird, My Brother, My Bread, And Goliath. Hymnal: "He-Man" by Ludacris, "Take A Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Apocrypals is usually edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown, but Chris did this one. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 06: Dr. Justin Sledge
02/05/2024
Multipals 06: Dr. Justin Sledge
It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.) Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New Bible Drop; Forbidden coneys; the 36th Chamber of Qabalah; The messiah’s hype man; Sixty pages on three words; The art of harmonisation; Pugilists of faith; Schrodinger’s Gnosticism; Running for the deep, mystical border; God’s Hulk (complimentary); The hedge against cultural imperialism; The Twelve (derogatory). Hymnal: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 05: Dr. Alexiana Fry
12/13/2023
Multipals 05: Dr. Alexiana Fry
You know, theophiloi, the topic of trauma in Bible might not seem like something that would lead most people to an extensive discussion of James "Logan" "Wolverine" "Patch" "Lucky Jim" Howlett, but, well, you know how we are. In this special installment of our Multipals series, we're joined by Dr. Alexiana Fry for a delightful discussion that is wide-ranging even by our standards. Join us as we travel from Copenhagen (or "C'pnhawghw," apparently), to the Princess Bar in Madripoor and all points between with the author of Trauma Talks in the Hebrew Bible! Topics of Discussion: The Patch Eras Tour, the Text of Terror, Cortado and Toast, Taco Bell (not a sponsor but ABSOLUTELY COULD BE), the Big Oh No, the juiciest fictional goss, the reprint of the origin of Jebus, cover for rippin’, imminent domain: middle seat edition, the two types of yoga (regular and non-wrestler), words of power, Shrek and trauma, #GlorificationofMartyrdom, Boober and the Second Death. Hymnal: "Friends Forever" by Puffy AmiYumi, "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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110: The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))
10/30/2023
110: The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))
Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine. No, really. That's what the movie is about. Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?" Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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109: Chris and Benito's Bible Bonkers (The Didache)
10/11/2023
109: Chris and Benito's Bible Bonkers (The Didache)
You there, Theophiloi! What day is to-day? Wait, what? OCTOBER?! Well, I guess we did miss it, then, and the spirits took their sweet time teaching us the true meaning of Approximate Week. Oh well, time is an illusion and regular publishing schedules are a prison. Either way, we're back with a brand new episode covering the Didache and talking about our mutual birthsday! Topics of Discussion: In Burger King as in life, an X-Change of Swords, the Holy Spirit guides you to ol’ Deuts, RIP to a One, everyone should be having fun, Sigma Scripture, great news for chihuahuas, Magic Arts & Filthy Talking: Together Again, the Pepsi of Baptism, making a meal of the Eucharist, …You might be a False Prophet. Hymnal: "Come With Me" By Sean "Didache" Combs Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 04: Tony Burke and Janet Spittler
08/20/2023
Multipals 04: Tony Burke and Janet Spittler
Don't worry, Theophiloi! You still have some time to leave coffee out for a werewolf and decorate your anti-arousal thorn bush for Approximate Week (observed). We're bumping back our celebrations to once again bring you a Chill Hangout Sesh with some of our multipals! This time, it's the oft-mentioned Drs. Janet Spittler and Tony Burke, a pair of experts in New Testament Apocrypha that I personally mostly just ask about Wolverine from the X-Men. Topics of Discussion: NASCAR: it really works!™, the noncanon canon, Just Some Gospels, a few apocalypses is plenty of apocalypses, the Comically Extended Death of the Herods, Johnnys Thunderson and Bapto, Jesus and the first chain letter, Jeezey and the Bandit II, Bible Team-Up #1-7, Toxic Mark Gospels_Manual_V9_Revised_Final.pdf, a consensus of one (onesensus), remembering the yellow guy from cartoons. Hymnal: "Hand on the Needle" by Brent Hagerman. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 03: Anne Thériault
07/16/2023
Multipals 03: Anne Thériault
Do you wanna party, Theophiloi? I sure hope so, because the Multipals series continues with another of our rowdy friends: Anne Thériault (from Ontario), who joins us to talk about her work writing about St. Dymphna and the podcast And Also Some Women, focusing on the women of the Bible. Sadly, I don't believe we get around to talking about a certain saint who called down lightning and completely wrecked some blood-thirsty seals, but to be fair, you already have a podcast for that. She also talks about her favorite episodes of this show, because look, we all need to be cheered up these days and I'm no exception. Topics of Discussion: Bilingual wordplay, going full youth pastor, French Canadian cursing that won't violate our Clean tag, go transubstantiate yourself, the bagel culture war, a bad history thing, the fruit circle of Hell. the Lady Saint Hydra, Hugh Grant’s secret name, The boarders of Geel, the greater part of a skeleton, just saying -isms, most is excellent, Composite Mary-Man. Hymnal: "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Bocephus. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 02: Aaron Higashi
06/23/2023
Multipals 02: Aaron Higashi
Don't be jealous, dear Theophiloi; just because we have some new friends doesn't mean we still don't love you just as much! In this episode, we're talking to another luminary of Biblical TikTok, Aaron Higashi! And look: I'll read the Didache eventually. I've just got a lot on my plate right now, and we have to find out what the Biblical scholarly consensus is on Wolverine's best costume! Check out Aaron's TikTok at: https://www.tiktok.com/@abhbible Topics of Discussion: A Handsomest-Man-off, OnlyPostles (dang it we should've called it OnlyPals), theatres of study, a new grudge (Huey Lewis riff), careers in Bible and other dreams, the best kind of sword, objectively dope sky wizards, doing violence to the text, super-turbonerds, superstars of theology, Send Benito To The Moon For Ever, prying meaning and joy from the jaws of life. Hymnal: "We''re Gonna Be Friends" by the White Stripes. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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Multipals 01: Dr. Dan McClellan
04/20/2023
Multipals 01: Dr. Dan McClellan
Hello, friends and neighbors, and welcome (uh, back?) to a brand new sub-series: Multipals! In these episodes, we're going to be sitting down with guests to talk about Bible and, most likely, Wolverine from the X-Men. To kick things off, we've got the Main Dude of Bible Studies TikTok, Dr. Dan McClellan, here to talk to us about how he tries to clear up misconceptions about the Bible and theology, and why it's very important to wear a t-shirt with Lobo or Venom on it while you're at it. That's right, y'all: we finally found someone else who likes to talk about Bible and will admit to being really into Todd McFarlane's Spawn. Make sure to check out Dan at and on TikTok @maklelan! Topics of Discussion: Beard guidelines vs. Beard Law, the battle against misinformation, snakes (literal), a weird rock, the new hotness in being wrong, God's wife, a record number of tetragrammatons, Disciple Babies, Crisis On Infinite Sources, Inserting the Ark (not like that), adjusting the lens of your theology, a divisive binary concerning Uncanny X-Men #268, so-and-so go on Apo. Hymnal: "Deep Fried Frenz" by MF DOOM Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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108: Skip This One (The Book of Hosea)
11/27/2022
108: Skip This One (The Book of Hosea)
Look, Thephiloi, you don't actually have to skip this one (it's actually one of my personal favorites, tbqh) but I'm gonna warn you up front: we were in a PRETTY SILLY MOOD when we were recording this one. Come for the discussion of Hosea's prophecies of ruin for the iniquitous and faithless houses of Israel and also how much he just really hates his own wife, stay for our extended discussion of that one ghost from Ghostbusters, a film they showed to children on television. Topics of Discussion: A child’s pronunciation, what is (and more importantly is not) a Christmas song, the issue of royal turnover, the opposite of boredom, the days of the balls, the original middle panel, the sin of raisin cakes, two kinds of wine, that one ghost, a hungry prophet, a silly dove move, advice for the Memphis Grizzlies. Hymnal: "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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107: Hellmensch (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov, vol. 2)
11/13/2022
107: Hellmensch (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov, vol. 2)
You there, Theophiloi, what day is to-day? What? It's mid-November? Well, we keep the spirit of Halloween in our hearts year round on this podcast, so we're going ahead with our annual tradition of Haints 'n' Saints with a second pair of stories starring Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer, the Master of the Good Name! Join us as the Besht Around takes on an evil antisemite with an army of dinosaurs and Ninth House Bone Monsters and then turns his attention to a somewhat low-key intervention in a swamp monster murder plot. And don't worry: it ain't a real cat. Topics of Discussion: Jack Black’s latest star turn, being a Dune Guy, Adrian Brody being surprisingly ripped, the origins of the piñata, Fire-Lions and Figer-tires, loose bones, microwaves that make monsters, the final boss is hogs, why it’s good to know The Name, purifying yourself in the waters of lake Minnetonka, writing your sins on the driveway, beware of the Sin Blob, don’t anger a body of water, Denny O’Neill is defensive, David Blaine: Professional Liar, Orphan Orange and other wild Otter Pop Lore. Hymnal: "What's New Pussycat" by Tom Jones, "Toccata in D Minor" by Richard Elliot Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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106: A Serious Goku Move (The Second Book of Kings)
10/30/2022
106: A Serious Goku Move (The Second Book of Kings)
Welcome to Season 2 of Apocrypals, dear Theophiloi! You know, like how every podcast does 103 regular episodes and then takes an extremely planned break of several months before returning, refreshed and renewed? It happens all the time, and it's honestly weird that you haven't heard of it. Anyway, what better way to celebrate our return than with 2 Kings, a book that is more wildly violent than every Mortal Kombat put together. Join us for a story that has multiple people exploding, our second instance of a dude being whisked up to Heaven to hang out with God, and of course, the infamous Biblical murder bears. You're 39 in the hole, Elisha. Topics of Discussion: A series of unfortunate events (no, really), Chris's brand-new Bible tattoo (no, REALLY), a bad look, bird poop economics, a death scene that leaves a truly perplexing quantity of body parts behind, a bold statement that might anger the "woke mob," Zedekiah's Bad Day, the Tingler. Hymnal: "Two Kings" by Tenacious D, "Mamma Mia" by by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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105: Approximate Week V: RaVager
08/12/2022
105: Approximate Week V: RaVager
No spoilers, Theophiloi. It's our birthday we're covering a text that listeners have been requesting for five years. Hymnal: "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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104: Previously, On Bible (The Epistle to the Hebrews)
08/01/2022
104: Previously, On Bible (The Epistle to the Hebrews)
And what more can I say, Theophiloi? By faith, we recorded a podcast about the Epistle to the Hebrews, which some dweeb thought was written by Mr. Paul even though it doesn't start with a lengthy introduction about how Paul wrote it. We tackle a mostly yikesless text that pretty much recaps the entire Book up to this point by summing up the Justice League of the Bible! Topics of discussion: The Worldwide Weather Wreport, the Mꙮratꙮrium, why you should give me personally $316, Messiah (lv. 81) vs. Uriel (lv. 81) and Michael (lv. 87), Dracula, a galaxy brain take on which religion is correct, Esau getting Ethered. Hymnal: "Justice League Unlimited" by Michael McCuistion, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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103: Sucky James (The History of Joseph the Carpenter)
07/03/2022
103: Sucky James (The History of Joseph the Carpenter)
I suspect, dear Theophiloi, that there is no stepfather in all history more overshadowed than poor Joseph, the humble carpenter whose competition for his Son's affection was in fact the Almighty God. It's a pretty rough role to fill — especially when the kid you're raising keeps using holy ghost powers to murder and/or resurrect your neighbors' kids — but the tradeoff is a long life in which one is never sick or has a toothache. Turns out that baby aspirin ain't no joke. Listen in as we discuss the history of Jesus's put-upon Topics of Discussion: Persona 5 (again), Ma and Pa Kent, the many terrible ways in which Jesus refers to his Earth parents, the Bowtie Fallacy, A. Wife, Herod's Evil, Enoch & Elijah & Tabitha & an Australian Woman. Hymnal: "Common People" by Pulp, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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102: Napalm Toots (The Lives of St. Martha of Bethany and St. Margaret of Antioch)
06/13/2022
102: Napalm Toots (The Lives of St. Martha of Bethany and St. Margaret of Antioch)
The Book of Job is famously one of history's biggest bummers, Theophiloi, so in this episode, we're going with something that always brings us joy: women fighting dragons. It's Martha of Bethany and Margaret of Antioch, two blessed saints with adventures worthy of the airbrushed side of a custom van! Topics of Discussion: A review of a bad review, a review of Chris's mom, Martha Wayne's pearls, the Stone Cold Stunner, the Tarasque (CR 30). Hymnal: "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce, "SOS" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17 Note: Chris's audio is choppy in some spots due to a recording problem, it is not the fault of editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.
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101: The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy (The Book of Job)
04/21/2022
101: The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy (The Book of Job)
Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people, Theophiloi? Well, we've found the answer in the Book of Job, a literary classic and/or utter failure, and it's pretty simple: God's indifference is indistinguishable from God's wrath. That's... kind of a weird idea to show up in Bible, though, so join us as we spend an hour unpacking it along with the long-suffering title character and the Creator of the Hippopotamus. Topics of Discussion: (sigh) the weather, Benito's patreon which I want to make clear does not support Chris (but is still worth it), hiring an editor for the show, the Inverse Pascal's Wager, Old Man Elohim, interchangeable children, chaos dragons, dinosaurs in the creation museum. Hymnal: "When I Needed You" by Canadian superstar Carly Rae Jepsen from the critically acclaimed 2015 album Emotion, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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100: Escape From Flesh Island (The Gospel of Judas)
03/05/2022
100: Escape From Flesh Island (The Gospel of Judas)
No man knoweth the hour or the day, Theophiloi, but our 100th episode is at hand! In celebration of our centennial, we take on one of our most requested texts: the recently discovered Gospel of Judas! Join us as we settle the argument about Judas Iscariot once and for all. Is He Man or Monster or…. is he both? Topics of Discussion: The Crime Bible, Who Picked Acts?, Irenaeus of Lyon, GEORGE CLOONEY IS LEARNING COPTIC, Jesus L-ing HAO (PGFE), a joke that I literally forgot the meaning of between recording the show and editing it, One Punch Man’s friend, the one tiny fact of the world that Chris has actually influenced, the One Above All, spoilers for Persona 5, Apocryphoes. Hymnal: “100 Days, 100 Nights” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
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99: For Sale, Baby Legs, Not Attached (The First Book of Kings)
01/30/2022
99: For Sale, Baby Legs, Not Attached (The First Book of Kings)
You’ve heard of Solomon, right, Theophiloi? The king so wise that he once threatened to cut a baby in half? Well, if you were looking for more examples of this famous wisdom, we have some bad news for you: it sure as heck ain’t in Bible. Instead, we get a lot about decorative gourds and a little about bathing in blood in One Kings as we kick off a new year on the show! Topics of Discussion: A busy start to 2022 TYOOL, the Queen’s DBZ phase, a hot political take, “The Big Game,” a really fun thing listeners do about Benito pronouncing Hebrew that is just so fun for us, a human slanket, a comic that really s*cks, Solomon’s extremely cool chair, Ahab (Earth-616). Hymnal: “King of Kings” by Mötorhead, “Take A Chance on Me” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.
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98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)
12/23/2021
98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)
We suspect, Theophiloi, that it has been as much of A Year for you as it has been for your humble Sons of Thunder, so please forgive us for skipping the lengthy and intense reading we would’ve done for Hanukkah in favor of going right to a much easier Christmas episode to finish out the year. We’re diving back into the shallow pool that is Jack Chick’s hateful ouvre with three “classic” holiday themed tracts: The Missing Day, Holy Night, and Humbug! They’re real bad!
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97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)
12/02/2021
97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)
Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew’s friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it’s a good show anyway. Promise.
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96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)
10/24/2021
96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)
Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It’s the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we’re reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It’s exactly as rad as it sounds.
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95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)
10/10/2021
95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)
I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement.
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94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)
09/26/2021
94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)
Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn’t recognize a statue of Jesus.
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