A podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comics writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they journey through the Good Book from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.
info_outline 88: A Miserable Pile of Secrets (The Da Vinci Code Commentary) 05/09/2021
88: A Miserable Pile of Secrets (The Da Vinci Code Commentary) We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT?
info_outline 87: Crisis On 18,000 Earths (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 2) 04/18/2021
87: Crisis On 18,000 Earths (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 2) We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little Bit Louder Now.
info_outline 86: God Junior (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 1) 04/04/2021
86: God Junior (The Third Book of Enoch, Part 1) Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tackling the infamously brain-melting Third Enoch!
info_outline 85: Old Clootie (The Life of St. Dunstan) 03/21/2021
85: Old Clootie (The Life of St. Dunstan) As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes!
info_outline 84: Just One More Thing (The Life of St. Columba) 03/07/2021
84: Just One More Thing (The Life of St. Columba) You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint.
info_outline 83: Speedrun Tactics (The Book of Jubilees, Part 2) 02/21/2021
83: Speedrun Tactics (The Book of Jubilees, Part 2) We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere!
info_outline 82: Sedeqetelebab! (The Book of Jubilees) 02/07/2021
82: Sedeqetelebab! (The Book of Jubilees) As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important things of which you might've heard.
info_outline 81: Sometimes It's Just Sucky (Paul's Letter to the Ephesians) 01/24/2021
81: Sometimes It's Just Sucky (Paul's Letter to the Ephesians) It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint!
info_outline 80: The Deadliest Skambush of Them All (The Book of Judges) 01/10/2021
80: The Deadliest Skambush of Them All (The Book of Judges) CONTENT WARNING: The text covered in this episode contains a scene of sexual assault, discussed starting at 1:38:00.
info_outline Bonus: Bill Bless Us, Every Ted (Christmas Gift Exchange 2020) 12/21/2020
Bonus: Bill Bless Us, Every Ted (Christmas Gift Exchange 2020) Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! We've wrapped up the show for the year, but before we get to these last few days of kicking back with a nice hot chocolate and a cup of coffee for St. Lucy, we're inviting you to join us for our Christmastime gift exchange. Plus: a very, very short apocryphal text about Baby Jesus bustin' up rocks!
info_outline 79: Marys Christmas (The Infancy Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew) 12/13/2020
79: Marys Christmas (The Infancy Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew) Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary.
info_outline 78: MACCABEES (the Fourth Book of Maccabees) 11/29/2020
78: MACCABEES (the Fourth Book of Maccabees) Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's.... hello.
info_outline 77: The Blessed Voltrons (The Lives of St. Catherine and St. Barbara) 11/15/2020
77: The Blessed Voltrons (The Lives of St. Catherine and St. Barbara) Advent continues apace, Theophiloi, and we're celebrating with two of the most famous and popular lady saints, St. Barbara and St. Catherine! Babs and Cathy are here to visit total ruination upon the devil (who, sadly, does not actually appear in these stories) using explosions of various sizes. I'm not gonna lie, it gets a little grim, but c'mon. You know how most saints became saints by now, right?
info_outline 76: Filling the Room (The Life of St. Martin) 11/01/2020
76: Filling the Room (The Life of St. Martin) If you thought the Song of Solomon was going to be a tough one for us to get through with our "Clean" tag intact, Theophiloi, brace yourselves for the Life of St. Martin. With a translation that almost has to be purposefully nasty, we're kicking off Advent with the 100% true and factual story of Martin of Tours, the saint who cured the sick, raised the dead, and ruined at least one funeral. Plus: the Devil! Like... a lot of the Devil!
info_outline 75: Lazer Babies (The Apocalypse of Peter) 10/18/2020
75: Lazer Babies (The Apocalypse of Peter) Happy Halloween, DRACULA-philoi, and pre-SCARE to have your sins counted as we descend once more into HELL! Specifically the Hell described in the Apocalypse of Simon "The Rock" Peter, in which everyone's favorite teen apostle describes the many punishments that await sinners of varying quality in the afterlife. Let BOO-nito SCREAM-o and CRYPTS Sims (should've thought of that one for the show) guide you on a harrowing journey full of ironic punishments and laser babies. THRILLER EYES!
info_outline 74: Howl of the Ostrich (The Books of Micah and Nahum) 10/04/2020
74: Howl of the Ostrich (The Books of Micah and Nahum) If you've ever read Bible and thought "hey, this is great but I wish it had dudes just unleashing straight metaphorical fire on workers of iniquity," then allow your humble Sons of Thunder to introduce you to Micah and Nahum. What these two prophets lack in verbosity, they more than make up for in sheer scorching anger. Just wait'll you get to Nahum 3:19, Theophiloi. It's wild.
info_outline 73: Be Courageous! (The Book of Joshua) 09/20/2020
73: Be Courageous! (The Book of Joshua) Happy New Year, Theophiloi! That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah time, and we are 100% Done In 5781™. Also done? Joshua, whose journey to become the second Moses is going to take him down the path of mass murders and detailed land allotments, which is basically what the entire Old Testament is if you really get down to it. Get ready to break down the walls and Be Courageous, because we've got some neck-steppin' to do! It's the podcast that you can still hear, even to this day.
info_outline 72: Cold Brew Paul (Paul's Letter to the Galatians) 09/06/2020
72: Cold Brew Paul (Paul's Letter to the Galatians) One half of your humble Sons of Thunder is joining you from real-for-real quarantine, dear Theophiloi, but that won't stop us from griping our way through our first canonical New Testament book of this calendar year. What might stop us is Mr. Paul in prime form, declaring himself to know more about Jesus than anyone on Earth or in Heaven, but we try to get through it in an episode that could best be described as "adversarial." On the other hand, we do find out that the Bible says gender is fake.
info_outline 71: Approximate Week Chapter 3: Parabellum (The War Scroll) 08/23/2020
71: Approximate Week Chapter 3: Parabellum (The War Scroll) If you seek birthdays, Theophiloi, prepare for war — the War Scroll, that is! As we celebrate the Approximate Week between our two personal nativities, we dive into the Dead Sea Scrolls for the first time to find out all about the best of seven series between the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness. Please note that these Sons of Light are not, like, half-angels or whatever, but they do write some extremely dope things on their swords.
info_outline 70: Two Firkin Bored (The Letter of Aristeas) 08/09/2020
70: Two Firkin Bored (The Letter of Aristeas) Having trouble sleeping, Theophiloi? Well here's an evangelion for you: this episode covers a letter written by the most boring person to ever cover a miracle. Get ready for intense table measurements, detailed MapQuest directions to Judea circa 250 BCE, and some day one philosophy class nonsense. It's the thrilling story of the Septuagint and the curse upon those who would alter it, which is mentioned maybe once in a document that is roughly eight thousand pages long.
info_outline 69: Thirst Corinthians (The Lives of St. Mary of Egypt and St. Pelagia) 07/26/2020
69: Thirst Corinthians (The Lives of St. Mary of Egypt and St. Pelagia) Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting their way out of a tower. For Episode Nice, however, we're covering two women who took things in the opposite direction by having all the adult fun they possibly could and then chilling out once they were finished. Believe it or not, they have way more agency in their stories than you might expect.
info_outline 68: Scent of a Jesus (The First, Second, and Third Apocryphal Apocalypses of John) 07/12/2020
68: Scent of a Jesus (The First, Second, and Third Apocryphal Apocalypses of John) Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses. Join us as we learn about the church's many metaphorical body parts and witness a world-shattering kick from an angel. Plus: a truly wonderful etymology.
info_outline 67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew) 06/28/2020
67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew) Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things.
info_outline 66: JeSuS With Two Cool Ses (The Acts of Thomas and his Wonderworking Skin) 06/14/2020
66: JeSuS With Two Cool Ses (The Acts of Thomas and his Wonderworking Skin) Pack your bags, Theophiloi, because we're going on a trip to India with Thomas, the Second Christ, who works hard and flays harder. Thanks to Dr. Tony Burke and his new book, New Testament Apocrypha Volume 2, hitting shelves this summer, we're taking a look at one of the weirder apostolic adventures, newly translated by Janet Spittler and Jonathan Holste.
info_outline 65: Adonai is Ichiban! (The Book of Deuteronomy) 06/03/2020
65: Adonai is Ichiban! (The Book of Deuteronomy) Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. Join us as Deuteronomy offers up a bunch of stuff we've already read, and a record YPP score (yikes per page). We gotta eat the vegetables before we get to Judges, folks.
info_outline 64: Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually (Bible Adventures and the Wisdom Tree catalogue) 05/18/2020
64: Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually (Bible Adventures and the Wisdom Tree catalogue) It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by Nintendo of America, and barely approved by the LifeWay Christian Store, it's the extremely dubious catalogue of "Biblical" video games by Wisdom Tree. Join us as we spend a Sunday Funday waging Spiritual Warfare on some Bible Adventures. Don't forget Baby Moses!
info_outline 63: Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither (The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort) 05/06/2020
63: Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither (The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort) You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son of Man's Best Friend! Join us for the very official St. Roche "Pronounced Rock" Johnson and his li'l buddy Breadstick (patron saint of dogs) and the extremely disavowed St. Guinefort (patron saint of actually being a dog for real).
info_outline 62: Oh, the Jews' Manatees! (The Book of Numbers) 04/19/2020
62: Oh, the Jews' Manatees! (The Book of Numbers) One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest directions to the Promised Land, though, is some truly wild stuff, including the return of one of our favorite Biblical tropes, the talking animal that no one seems to think is odd in the slightest. Join us, but make sure to brace yourself for a whole lot of skantent.
info_outline 61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch) 04/05/2020
61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch) Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it's all completely normal Bible stuff.
info_outline 60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias) 03/22/2020
60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias) We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jesus, who was then sent to do a bunch of murders and be tortured in the City of the Man-Eaters. Or you could be Matthias, about whom nothing is known other than that he had to pretend to think he was a cow for about a month.