115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)
Apocrypals
CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth...
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114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)
Apocrypals
If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early...
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113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)
Apocrypals
Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism! Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount...
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112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country
Apocrypals
Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus:...
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111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)
Apocrypals
Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised, we're back with an in-depth look at 1 Chronicles, and while that may be the most boring part of the entire thing, we're doing our best to make it interesting. Or possibly to tear it down and debunk it, depending on who you ask. Topics of discussion: Benito's academic qualifications, a review from Chris's mom, a dubious number of Eisner awards, true facts about Benito's secret catholic...
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Multipals 06: Dr. Justin Sledge
Apocrypals
It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.) Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New...
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Multipals 05: Dr. Alexiana Fry
Apocrypals
You know, theophiloi, the topic of trauma in Bible might not seem like something that would lead most people to an extensive discussion of James "Logan" "Wolverine" "Patch" "Lucky Jim" Howlett, but, well, you know how we are. In this special installment of our Multipals series, we're joined by Dr. Alexiana Fry for a delightful discussion that is wide-ranging even by our standards. Join us as we travel from Copenhagen (or "C'pnhawghw," apparently), to the Princess Bar in Madripoor and all points between with the author of Trauma Talks in the Hebrew Bible! Topics of Discussion: The Patch Eras...
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110: The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))
Apocrypals
Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine. No, really. That's what the movie is about. Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire...
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109: Chris and Benito's Bible Bonkers (The Didache)
Apocrypals
You there, Theophiloi! What day is to-day? Wait, what? OCTOBER?! Well, I guess we did miss it, then, and the spirits took their sweet time teaching us the true meaning of Approximate Week. Oh well, time is an illusion and regular publishing schedules are a prison. Either way, we're back with a brand new episode covering the Didache and talking about our mutual birthsday! Topics of Discussion: In Burger King as in life, an X-Change of Swords, the Holy Spirit guides you to ol’ Deuts, RIP to a One, everyone should be having fun, Sigma Scripture, great news for chihuahuas,...
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Multipals 04: Tony Burke and Janet Spittler
Apocrypals
Don't worry, Theophiloi! You still have some time to leave coffee out for a werewolf and decorate your anti-arousal thorn bush for Approximate Week (observed). We're bumping back our celebrations to once again bring you a Chill Hangout Sesh with some of our multipals! This time, it's the oft-mentioned Drs. Janet Spittler and Tony Burke, a pair of experts in New Testament Apocrypha that I personally mostly just ask about Wolverine from the X-Men. Topics of Discussion: NASCAR: it really works!™, the noncanon canon, Just Some Gospels, a few apocalypses is plenty of apocalypses, the Comically...
info_outlineI don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints ’n’ Saints. Plus: Math!
Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It’s Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God’s Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks.
Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/)
Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246
Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17